Sinder's Apology and Reflection

There’s nothing I can say to make this better, but I will try my best to properly convey my feelings, frustrations, and mistakes. I’d like to explain my point of view and apologize to each party affected. Redacted has been my co-content creator since I began making content, managing all aspects of what I do, and being a major part of why I’m here. We have also been in a relationship since the start of my endeavors. It’s no secret that many vtubers choose to keep their public and personal lives separate, and I’m no different. As of yesterday he is no longer working with me, and I have not extensively discussed any of this with him. Where our personal situation goes from here will be figured out between us privately. I never intended to mention us publicly, but given that the claims are out there, I want everyone to know I’m taking this seriously. After years of working on everything together, his hyper business oriented outlook warped my view of what it is I should be doing, and what should be important to me as I navigate this career path. I have a terrible work life balance as it is, and being around projects and streams all day every day made me lose sight of the point. It took all of this happening for me to realize this behavior isn’t normal or healthy, and it’s not an outlook I want to have. This doesn’t absolve me of the things I’ve willingly done wrong and went along with, or the way I’ve treated people who were fully undeserving. In regards to Nanoless, for the majority of the time working with her, Red was the one almost solely doing the communication about new plans and negotiations through his private DMs. Nano had a project server we were all a part of where the actual art and models were worked on, but the conversations were focused around the work itself. I was not fully aware of the extent of Red’s manipulation over Nano’s commission decisions, and I should’ve been more diligent in my oversight. Everytime I had been told that Nano had agreed to work on a new commission with me, it had been willingly and with excitement. From my point of view it was that she genuinely wanted to be working on these things. I wanted to work with Nano as much as I possibly could, making her art the face of my brand. We had come to the conclusion that it’d be in my best interest to talk with Nano about making more time for my projects by negotiating with her to cut out other work. This was wrong for us to push onto her, and it was wrong to the other creators who wanted the chance of working with her. There was only one specific creator we were responsible for naming and pressuring Nano into reconsidering projects with, not an entire list. Of her own volition, Nano cancelled a large portion of her model commissions last September. However the claim that I was just using her is wrong. I’ve always treated Nano with respect, and as my friend. I did give her a lot of work, and we did everything we could to accommodate her schedule if she needed more time or a break, and even helped her with her own project payments multiple times. I’ve invited her on my stream, I’ve sent her my merch and things she’s made for me, and I was always open to talking to her about things outside of our projects in the instances we would message each other. Regarding the exclusivity deal made between them, I had no part in the direct negotiations of their eventual agreement, and I had no knowledge of Bao and Cotton being included in this list. If I had known my friends were included I would’ve said something to put a stop to it. I was only aware of it being about one person, who I was unfairly pursuing. When Nano had messaged me about this agreement almost a month later I was under the assumption this was only about Silvervale. I was upset and my initial messages to her were very guilt trippy, but I wasn’t going to force Nano to do anything she wasn’t okay with and tried reassuring her that I was okay with her decision. Nano had also never come to me as seriously and professionally as her document was looking to address the issues she had with either of us, or to terminate our partnership. I had no idea there was even a conversation about Shylily recently between Red and Nano until reading her document. It’s true I had confided in Red that lately I hadn’t been hearing from Lily like I had in the past and was worried something was wrong, but that’s as far as it went, and he took it upon himself to try digging for more info. And I was never even aware Nano was ever planning to work on a model for another of my friends, Giri. I do not condone anything about what Red said about Bao in these dms either, and him using “we” and “our” in this context is abhorrently incorrect and I believe was done to gain greater credibility behind what he was saying. Yes, Red and I were initially upset when Bao hired my editor, and I took it personally when I shouldn’t have. I felt as if maybe my content wasn’t good enough, or like I wasn’t paying enough for his work. But I accepted it and was happy for him for getting that bag and supporting one of my friends at the same time. And yes, I was also upset when Sac, the Boss Rush MV editor, had told us that he won’t be working on any future projects with us and would instead be working exclusively for Bao. But Red got it in his head that it was Bao’s fault that it happened, and seemingly held a grudge against her for it. He was very passionate about Boss Rush and the potential future projects around it, but he told me without an MV editor as talented as Sac, the future projects wouldn’t reach the same heights, so he created this headcanon that’s laid out in those dms. I wasn’t convinced this was the case, but it’s my fault for never speaking with Bao about these things directly to clear things up, and letting it spiral to the point it got to. Every comment here about her own music, guilt tripping, and claims about our shared feelings towards her are disgusting, and I honestly don’t know why he thought this way about my close friend beyond the resentment over those two things, or why it was worth sabotaging her over. The “it’s just business” screenshot of my dms with Nano’s document was from November of 2023, and I’ll go into my thought process of everything I said here. What Red was trying to explain to Nano is that if everyone has a model by her, then the innate value of her models overall are diminished by there being an oversaturation of that type of model out there. If everyone in the world had a vtuber model done by her, then the value of having her model wouldn’t be the same as if there were only a handful of them, which he viewed as a negative for me. I understand where he was coming from with this, but in the vtuber space this isn’t something we should’ve pursued. Nano has an amazing skill where she’s able to draw each of her vtuber children uniquely, so I was never upset seeing new model siblings. In many cases I was there cheering them on at their debuts, and looking to collab with them as “sisters” when I could. Me saying “it’s just business” was referring to my acceptance of Nano’s business decisions, whether she chose to work with me or not. This was not in reference to anyone’s model being cancelled, further explaining to her that it’s okay if she chooses not to work with me. I can understand where the next part can sound manipulative, but my intention was to reminisce about the journey we had together up to this point, since at this time I wasn’t sure if this is where Nano and I would stop working together as frequently as we had been, and I’d have to look for a new model artist. I then encourage her to work on projects she’s excited about while I talk with Red to find a project that would work with her schedule. When talking about Silvervale I need to start at the beginning. Before I was Sinder I was a pink, cherry blossom girl named Tashi that did ASMR content. When the vtuber boom happened in 2020, I knew I wanted to join in. Red and I contacted an artist in October and they were set to start my vtuber design by December. The plan was to take my cherry blossom persona Tashi and make her a pink and white wolf girl vtuber. In November of that same year, Silvervale revealed her sakura wolf redesign. I had heard of Silvervale earlier that year, but I didn’t watch her streams at all. We knew we had to pivot before we were stuck with a design that would just be a copy of one of the most popular vtubers at the time. Like I’ve explained many times on my stream, I knew I wanted to be a wolf girl, so I mixed my love of Okami and metal music into the design and came out with a hellhound. My name was originally going to be Ember, but Red came up with the name Sinder since it was a mix of sin + cinder, both hell and fire themed. It was only a coincidence that it ended up being similar to Silver. I was genuinely interested in pursuing a friendship with her, and drew fan art myself of us together. On the other hand, Red was in my ear the whole time saying how great working together would be, since again, he’s been the business oriented side of my brand. Since I started streaming I have been ruthlessly compared to Silvervale, being called the discount version of her. I was accused of copying her design, copying her personality, even copying her laugh of all things. And there was a large number of people who were diehard believers in the fact that I “stole” all of these attributes maliciously for my own gain, citing the art I posted of us together calling her an “inspiration”, when in reality this was referring to the decision to become a hellhound. The only time Silvervale was mentioned in the original designing of my character was when we explained why we were pivoting to something else, and there were no references of her character involved. I grew more and more resentful of Silver over time, between the constant belittling of myself, a controversy around my first waifu cup, and other incidents, even though she herself never interacted with me directly. And it was also that fact that made me insecure, like I wanted to know if she believed all of these things or not. It really felt as if she didn’t like that I even existed in the same space. So at the point I was working with Nano consistently we brought up not making any more models for her. If a vtuber model is how everyone recognizes you, then it’d be harder to compare us directly if we no longer look alike or have that shared similarity. It was a wrong and selfish decision, but it made me feel better, and that’s why it was a constant topic with Nano. Red pushed for this harder than I ever did because he knew how it affected me for years, but no matter what the outcome was I wasn’t going to walk away from working with Nano. Silver was completely undeserving of this treatment, and it was my own insecurities that led me to making this choice. I became unapologetically evil towards her due to no direct action of her own. There’s no excuse for any of this. Moving on from Silvervale, let me talk about Spite. Once again, I had no involvement or knowledge of Red bringing up Spite to Nano in 2023. My only personal involvement with excluding someone specific from working with Nano was Silver. My design sheet and outfit were finished and made public at the very start of 2021. The first thing she mentions is a debut teaser in 2022 that was apparently posted on the same day as her original debut, which I honestly don’t know if at the time this was intentional or not. I don’t know when I first discovered Spite, and it could’ve been after she debuted. When I first debuted I was very possessive of my design details. I had made it a year and a half since my design sheet was finished and public to having a full vtuber debut as I watched everything grow and change from the sidelines, and I didn’t want anyone else to capitalize on my concept before I could. Soon after my original debut I remember Spite getting an update to her model that made it seem like she more closely resembled me, including fire added to her model. Without evidence, I saw it and thought she must have copied me, but I never did anything about it other than voice my frustrations to Red. I didn’t want to start drama with anyone, and I didn’t have ownership over fire as a design detail. The references for the ripped shirt and shorts outfit on my bikini model was given to Nano in June of 2022, with the purpose of having a coverup outfit that would be safe for Twitch. The merch art she’s referring to was designed around my concept of my fire changing blue. The fact that the rest of the art was grayscale was the artist’s choice since it was going onto the back of a hoodie, and I didn’t have a say, or at least I didn’t counter that being the final decision. There was no intention to deliberately look like Spite with this piece. Unfortunately both my angel and sleepy outfits being similar to outfits Spite has done in the past was just a coincidence. I had always planned to one day make an angel counterpart to my demon outfit when it was being made in 2023, and my original ref sheet laid the groundwork for that idea. I’ve never liked theming anything around my brand in a religious light, so I chose to make my angel form more Greek valkyrie than biblical, which also gives it a similar look to my demon form. The sleepy outfit was a last minute decision to pivot from a fully new 3.0 model because I had the opportunity to work with GamerSupps on an AFK flavor. Spite never should’ve received the hate comments over her outfit, or any comments comparing us, or belittling her because of my existence, and I never advocated for anyone to do so, especially given my experience. Spite also brought up another creator who reached out to her about their experience with me, and I can only assume it’s NyanTales. They are an ASMRtist who at one point posted a hellhound oc for one of their upcoming ASMR videos, and it was undoubtedly created using me as a reference. This was right after my debut, and like I said, I was very protective of my design elements being unique to me and I overreacted. Shortly after, I apologized and they agreed to adjust the character design and I thought the matter was settled. At the very start of my online career I was a GFE ASMRtist. Before I started my channel I had gotten into listening to roleplay audios myself. I had always been a shut in throughout highschool and college and I wasn’t happy with where my life and relationship were at the time. After uploading my first few audios my channel started growing fast. This was the first time I was inundated with so many people wanting to know me and talk to me, and I got lost in the excitement of it all, not fully coming to terms with these messages being because of the kind of content I was making. I was immature and inexperienced with how to conduct myself online. I have never had many irl friends and had met Rayne doing ASMR. I quickly became comfortable chatting with him about everything, divulging my grievances about my personal life when I shouldn’t have. I cheated on my boyfriend with Rayne in these conversations, flirting and sexting. I used Rayne for emotional comfort and sexual fantasy while I let my real life relationship collapse. It was about my dissatisfaction with my personal life and escaping into messages with someone else who I found through content focused around GF & BF RP. It was never about climbing the ladder with Rayne, and I find that being his takeaway from why I moved on baffling. By the time I was ready to debut as Sinder, I wanted to leave that in the past. Still to this day I regret my decisions and have been living with it since, and I was lucky to be able to mend my relationship after this. And lastly I want to address Peaches. This is a very big problem I have, and I’m sure many others in my position do too. At the end of the day I am one person. I am one person working on multiple projects, with multiple companies, talking to dozens of people, and streaming for hours almost every day. I’ve never had a big social battery and I get tired very easily when interacting with people. I haven’t had much energy at all over the past year, leading to me taking frequent naps. I’ve rarely been able to keep up with my closest handful of friends on a frequent basis, let alone everyone else. Red has always been a big help in keeping up with things, but he doesn’t do everything. I’m so sorry I made you feel forgotten, Peaches. I’ve always cherished your friendship, and I was so incredibly excited to meet you in Paris. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, and I’ve never thought to purposely drop you just because I could. I’m sorry. I know I’ve made a lot of people feel forgotten or ignored. It’s so easy to get caught up in projects, or what I’m doing, while I have the energy to do it, that people fall by the wayside. I understand the feelings of those who resent me over this, and all I can say is I’m sorry. I don’t deserve to be able to contact everyone involved directly to personally apologize, so I’ll do it here in the chance they read it. To Nano: I’m so sorry I let things get to this point or even entertained the thought of you working exclusively with me. That’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t be here without you, and I wouldn’t have been able to do most of what I've already done without you. I felt overly attached to our relationship over the past 4 years, and loved your work so much that I wanted to make *myself* exclusive to your art, and should have never sought those feelings to be reciprocated. Everything you’ve ever worked on for me was always so perfect and I lost sight of how everyone else around me would have felt. I had no intentions of pressuring you into anything, but looking back on my clouded judgement, I can see how my messages felt that way. When I talked about how my models helped you improve, I meant that as looking back on how far we’ve come together. We’ve been friends for so long and cheered each other on when we both started growing and getting more opportunities like plushies, figures, etc. You had been my exclusive artist for full live 2D models for the majority of my time as a vtuber, and of course I would have been sad if you didn’t want to continue that relationship, but in all our other private dms, I was okay with you ultimately doing what was best for yourself. I saw you as someone I trusted and loved and wanted to make sure you were still taking care of yourself with all the projects you took on, mine or otherwise. I never saw you as just a business partner. I thought I was reassuring you that I’d always be understanding if you wanted to move on to other projects. I genuinely appreciated our friendship. I always saw you as a close friend, and I’m sorry for what I put you through. To Bao: Since the start, I’ve always admired you and how genuine you’ve always been to everyone. I wouldn’t be here without you, either. I'm disgusted with myself for buying into the narrative that my friends were "competition". I've never had such genuine friendships in my life. Especially with you, we've gotten to know each other so well online and in person. You’ve already been through so much and the last thing I'd want to do is cause more harm. But I did. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner about these ideas that were put into my head. I wish we would've been able to talk about this, too. I didn't know about the severity of things that had been said and theorized about my own friends behind my back until now. It's my fault for not realizing the things Red was saying about you. The countless friendships I've made here within the last several years mean so much more to me than him and the "business" side of things, and his way of thinking. No amount of popularity or money means more to me than the relationships I've built in this community. I've always been myself, whether that be on stream or in person, and I hope the friends I've made can understand I'd never condone this behavior or any of the things that were said about my friends. I've always wanted everyone around me to thrive and find happiness. I can't stress enough how disappointed I am that I didn't see this sooner, until it got to a breaking point. I’m sorry, Bao. To Sac: I loved getting to chat with you in person and absolutely loved all the hard work you put into the Boss Rush song. I was so grateful to hear you were on board to edit the MV. I don’t remember exactly why the stream got pushed back, but I definitely wouldn’t have put the blame on you knowing about how soon the deadline was when you started working on it. I was so thankful for your willingness to complete the project despite everything, and the quality of how it turned out was incredible. I can’t believe how Red talked about you especially after all the effort you put in for me. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened. To Cotton and Lily: I’m so sorry you had to get dragged into this. It’s my fault I let it get this far, but I hope you can believe me when I say I had no knowledge of Red bringing you up in Nano’s DMs. I just learned about all this myself and there could have been so many other friends affected by the narrative that things always had to be competitive. If I knew Red was trying to exclude specific friends in this exclusivity deal, I would have spoken up. None of my friendships are worth sacrificing over an art piece. I loved being your friend and all the memories we’ve shared, and I hope someday you can forgive me for allowing this to happen. To Silver: Since the start, I loved that I saw someone else sharing so many similar interests to me, and I thought maybe someday we could talk about it all and be good friends. I was blinded by all these hate comments around me calling me your lesser half. I hate the person I’ve become towards you. I tried reaching out some time ago to try to start up a friendly conversation to change things and make things right, say hi to you at conventions, and support your endeavors, but despite all that I was still being eaten alive by my own doubts and fear or harassment. I was pressured by the community as a whole to try reaching out to collaborate since I got these messages so often comparing us, and I hoped we could work something out. The photo of me at the meet and greet was taken candidly and I thought it looked so cute, and I posted it without asking you which was wrong of me. I was so wrong for letting everyone get in my head about all these malicious feelings. I’m so sorry for any opportunities I’ve taken away from you. I’m sorry, Silver. To Spite: I’m sorry I had assumed things about your design that weren’t true, and I’m sorry you’ve been harassed by commenters needing to compare us. And I apologize for the way Red spoke about you to Nano. You didn’t deserve any of this, Spite. I’m sorry. To Peaches: I’m sorry if I made it seem like I was ignoring or ghosting you. I was so happy we had the opportunity to meet in person, and I was apologetic with how busy things were for me at the time. I wanted to spend more time with you, but as I got more and more DMs and messages, everything became so overwhelming. I’ve always had a low social battery and that made it so hard for me to keep up to date with all my friends. I’ve never had any ill feelings towards you and I still don’t. To Rayne: You were the first person I met as an ASMRtist, during a time where I was immature and vulnerable. I ended up being consumed by the content I was making and it led me to making awful decisions I still think about and regret. I was not in a good spot at the time. I’ve hated myself for this kind of behavior and it took a long time for me to move on from what happened. I have no excuses. I’m sorry you were dragged into my drama, and I’m sorry how I made you feel after I just wanted to close the book on things. I’m sorry to my Pyro Pups and my mods for expecting me to lead by a better example than this. I’m sorry to the vtuber community for looking towards me as someone to aspire to. I’m sorry to Kaizer, who’s put his heart and soul into everything he’s ever done for me, and not even talking to you about how I felt. I’m sorry to the dozens of artists that have put their hard work into me. And I’m sorry to the rest of my friends who I’ve let down. I’ve led a bad example, and I don’t expect forgiveness. I’ve made many mistakes over my 5 years on the internet. I’m only one person, living the one life I get for the first and only time, like everyone else. As I said at the start, I ended up developing an extremely unhealthy work/life balance, and the harm Red has caused with the way he viewed things is irreparable. The way I’ve been perceiving things lately is not how I want to view the world moving forward, and this goes to show there’s a lot I need to address and improve if I’m to continue being a creator. I’m devastated that the friendships so special to me may, understandably, never be mended again. I love my job and I love all the friends I’ve had. Thank you for reading. - Sinder

There’s nothing I can say to make this better, but I will try my best to properly convey my feelings, frustrations, and mistakes.

I’d like to explain my point of view and apologize to each party affected.

Redacted has been my co-content creator since I began making content, managing all aspects of what I do, and being a major part of why I’m here. We have also been in a relationship since the start of my endeavors. It’s no secret that many vtubers choose to keep their public and personal lives separate, and I’m no different. As of yesterday he is no longer working with me, and I have not extensively discussed any of this with him. Where our personal situation goes from here will be figured out between us privately. I never intended to mention us publicly, but given that the claims are out there, I want everyone to know I’m taking this seriously. After years of working on everything together, his hyper business oriented outlook warped my view of what it is I should be doing, and what should be important to me as I navigate this career path. I have a terrible work life balance as it is, and being around projects and streams all day every day made me lose sight of the point. It took all of this happening for me to realize this behavior isn’t normal or healthy, and it’s not an outlook I want to have. This doesn’t absolve me of the things I’ve willingly done wrong and went along with, or the way I’ve treated people who were fully undeserving.

In regards to Nanoless, for the majority of the time working with her, Red was the one almost solely doing the communication about new plans and negotiations through his private DMs. Nano had a project server we were all a part of where the actual art and models were worked on, but the conversations were focused around the work itself. I was not fully aware of the extent of Red’s manipulation over Nano’s commission decisions, and I should’ve been more diligent in my oversight. Everytime I had been told that Nano had agreed to work on a new commission with me, it had been willingly and with excitement. From my point of view it was that she genuinely wanted to be working on these things. I wanted to work with Nano as much as I possibly could, making her art the face of my brand. We had come to the conclusion that it’d be in my best interest to talk with Nano about making more time for my projects by negotiating with her to cut out other work. This was wrong for us to push onto her, and it was wrong to the other creators who wanted the chance of working with her. There was only one specific creator we were responsible for naming and pressuring Nano into reconsidering projects with, not an entire list. Of her own volition, Nano cancelled a large portion of her model commissions last September. However the claim that I was just using her is wrong. I’ve always treated Nano with respect, and as my friend. I did give her a lot of work, and we did everything we could to accommodate her schedule if she needed more time or a break, and even helped her with her own project payments multiple times. I’ve invited her on my stream, I’ve sent her my merch and things she’s made for me, and I was always open to talking to her about things outside of our projects in the instances we would message each other. Regarding the exclusivity deal made between them, I had no part in the direct negotiations of their eventual agreement, and I had no knowledge of Bao and Cotton being included in this list. If I had known my friends were included I would’ve said something to put a stop to it. I was only aware of it being about one person, who I was unfairly pursuing. When Nano had messaged me about this agreement almost a month later I was under the assumption this was only about Silvervale. I was upset and my initial messages to her were very guilt trippy, but I wasn’t going to force Nano to do anything she wasn’t okay with and tried reassuring her that I was okay with her decision. Nano had also never come to me as seriously and professionally as her document was looking to address the issues she had with either of us, or to terminate our partnership. I had no idea there was even a conversation about Shylily recently between Red and Nano until reading her document. It’s true I had confided in Red that lately I hadn’t been hearing from Lily like I had in the past and was worried something was wrong, but that’s as far as it went, and he took it upon himself to try digging for more info. And I was never even aware Nano was ever planning to work on a model for another of my friends, Giri. I do not condone anything about what Red said about Bao in these dms either, and him using “we” and “our” in this context is abhorrently incorrect and I believe was done to gain greater credibility behind what he was saying. Yes, Red and I were initially upset when Bao hired my editor, and I took it personally when I shouldn’t have. I felt as if maybe my content wasn’t good enough, or like I wasn’t paying enough for his work. But I accepted it and was happy for him for getting that bag and supporting one of my friends at the same time. And yes, I was also upset when Sac, the Boss Rush MV editor, had told us that he won’t be working on any future projects with us and would instead be working exclusively for Bao. But Red got it in his head that it was Bao’s fault that it happened, and seemingly held a grudge against her for it. He was very passionate about Boss Rush and the potential future projects around it, but he told me without an MV editor as talented as Sac, the future projects wouldn’t reach the same heights, so he created this headcanon that’s laid out in those dms. I wasn’t convinced this was the case, but it’s my fault for never speaking with Bao about these things directly to clear things up, and letting it spiral to the point it got to. Every comment here about her own music, guilt tripping, and claims about our shared feelings towards her are disgusting, and I honestly don’t know why he thought this way about my close friend beyond the resentment over those two things, or why it was worth sabotaging her over.

The “it’s just business” screenshot of my dms with Nano’s document was from November of 2023, and I’ll go into my thought process of everything I said here. What Red was trying to explain to Nano is that if everyone has a model by her, then the innate value of her models overall are diminished by there being an oversaturation of that type of model out there. If everyone in the world had a vtuber model done by her, then the value of having her model wouldn’t be the same as if there were only a handful of them, which he viewed as a negative for me. I understand where he was coming from with this, but in the vtuber space this isn’t something we should’ve pursued. Nano has an amazing skill where she’s able to draw each of her vtuber children uniquely, so I was never upset seeing new model siblings. In many cases I was there cheering them on at their debuts, and looking to collab with them as “sisters” when I could. Me saying “it’s just business” was referring to my acceptance of Nano’s business decisions, whether she chose to work with me or not. This was not in reference to anyone’s model being cancelled, further explaining to her that it’s okay if she chooses not to work with me. I can understand where the next part can sound manipulative, but my intention was to reminisce about the journey we had together up to this point, since at this time I wasn’t sure if this is where Nano and I would stop working together as frequently as we had been, and I’d have to look for a new model artist. I then encourage her to work on projects she’s excited about while I talk with Red to find a project that would work with her schedule.

When talking about Silvervale I need to start at the beginning. Before I was Sinder I was a pink, cherry blossom girl named Tashi that did ASMR content. When the vtuber boom happened in 2020, I knew I wanted to join in. Red and I contacted an artist in October and they were set to start my vtuber design by December. The plan was to take my cherry blossom persona Tashi and make her a pink and white wolf girl vtuber. In November of that same year, Silvervale revealed her sakura wolf redesign. I had heard of Silvervale earlier that year, but I didn’t watch her streams at all. We knew we had to pivot before we were stuck with a design that would just be a copy of one of the most popular vtubers at the time. Like I’ve explained many times on my stream, I knew I wanted to be a wolf girl, so I mixed my love of Okami and metal music into the design and came out with a hellhound. My name was originally going to be Ember, but Red came up with the name Sinder since it was a mix of sin + cinder, both hell and fire themed. It was only a coincidence that it ended up being similar to Silver. I was genuinely interested in pursuing a friendship with her, and drew fan art myself of us together. On the other hand, Red was in my ear the whole time saying how great working together would be, since again, he’s been the business oriented side of my brand. Since I started streaming I have been ruthlessly compared to Silvervale, being called the discount version of her. I was accused of copying her design, copying her personality, even copying her laugh of all things. And there was a large number of people who were diehard believers in the fact that I “stole” all of these attributes maliciously for my own gain, citing the art I posted of us together calling her an “inspiration”, when in reality this was referring to the decision to become a hellhound. The only time Silvervale was mentioned in the original designing of my character was when we explained why we were pivoting to something else, and there were no references of her character involved. I grew more and more resentful of Silver over time, between the constant belittling of myself, a controversy around my first waifu cup, and other incidents, even though she herself never interacted with me directly. And it was also that fact that made me insecure, like I wanted to know if she believed all of these things or not. It really felt as if she didn’t like that I even existed in the same space. So at the point I was working with Nano consistently we brought up not making any more models for her. If a vtuber model is how everyone recognizes you, then it’d be harder to compare us directly if we no longer look alike or have that shared similarity. It was a wrong and selfish decision, but it made me feel better, and that’s why it was a constant topic with Nano. Red pushed for this harder than I ever did because he knew how it affected me for years, but no matter what the outcome was I wasn’t going to walk away from working with Nano. Silver was completely undeserving of this treatment, and it was my own insecurities that led me to making this choice. I became unapologetically evil towards her due to no direct action of her own. There’s no excuse for any of this.

Moving on from Silvervale, let me talk about Spite. Once again, I had no involvement or knowledge of Red bringing up Spite to Nano in 2023. My only personal involvement with excluding someone specific from working with Nano was Silver. My design sheet and outfit were finished and made public at the very start of 2021. The first thing she mentions is a debut teaser in 2022 that was apparently posted on the same day as her original debut, which I honestly don’t know if at the time this was intentional or not. I don’t know when I first discovered Spite, and it could’ve been after she debuted. When I first debuted I was very possessive of my design details. I had made it a year and a half since my design sheet was finished and public to having a full vtuber debut as I watched everything grow and change from the sidelines, and I didn’t want anyone else to capitalize on my concept before I could. Soon after my original debut I remember Spite getting an update to her model that made it seem like she more closely resembled me, including fire added to her model. Without evidence, I saw it and thought she must have copied me, but I never did anything about it other than voice my frustrations to Red. I didn’t want to start drama with anyone, and I didn’t have ownership over fire as a design detail. The references for the ripped shirt and shorts outfit on my bikini model was given to Nano in June of 2022, with the purpose of having a coverup outfit that would be safe for Twitch. The merch art she’s referring to was designed around my concept of my fire changing blue. The fact that the rest of the art was grayscale was the artist’s choice since it was going onto the back of a hoodie, and I didn’t have a say, or at least I didn’t counter that being the final decision. There was no intention to deliberately look like Spite with this piece. Unfortunately both my angel and sleepy outfits being similar to outfits Spite has done in the past was just a coincidence. I had always planned to one day make an angel counterpart to my demon outfit when it was being made in 2023, and my original ref sheet laid the groundwork for that idea. I’ve never liked theming anything around my brand in a religious light, so I chose to make my angel form more Greek valkyrie than biblical, which also gives it a similar look to my demon form. The sleepy outfit was a last minute decision to pivot from a fully new 3.0 model because I had the opportunity to work with GamerSupps on an AFK flavor. Spite never should’ve received the hate comments over her outfit, or any comments comparing us, or belittling her because of my existence, and I never advocated for anyone to do so, especially given my experience.

Spite also brought up another creator who reached out to her about their experience with me, and I can only assume it’s NyanTales. They are an ASMRtist who at one point posted a hellhound oc for one of their upcoming ASMR videos, and it was undoubtedly created using me as a reference. This was right after my debut, and like I said, I was very protective of my design elements being unique to me and I overreacted. Shortly after, I apologized and they agreed to adjust the character design and I thought the matter was settled.

At the very start of my online career I was a GFE ASMRtist. Before I started my channel I had gotten into listening to roleplay audios myself. I had always been a shut in throughout highschool and college and I wasn’t happy with where my life and relationship were at the time. After uploading my first few audios my channel started growing fast. This was the first time I was inundated with so many people wanting to know me and talk to me, and I got lost in the excitement of it all, not fully coming to terms with these messages being because of the kind of content I was making. I was immature and inexperienced with how to conduct myself online. I have never had many irl friends and had met Rayne doing ASMR. I quickly became comfortable chatting with him about everything, divulging my grievances about my personal life when I shouldn’t have. I cheated on my boyfriend with Rayne in these conversations, flirting and sexting. I used Rayne for emotional comfort and sexual fantasy while I let my real life relationship collapse. It was about my dissatisfaction with my personal life and escaping into messages with someone else who I found through content focused around GF & BF RP. It was never about climbing the ladder with Rayne, and I find that being his takeaway from why I moved on baffling. By the time I was ready to debut as Sinder, I wanted to leave that in the past. Still to this day I regret my decisions and have been living with it since, and I was lucky to be able to mend my relationship after this.

And lastly I want to address Peaches. This is a very big problem I have, and I’m sure many others in my position do too. At the end of the day I am one person. I am one person working on multiple projects, with multiple companies, talking to dozens of people, and streaming for hours almost every day. I’ve never had a big social battery and I get tired very easily when interacting with people. I haven’t had much energy at all over the past year, leading to me taking frequent naps. I’ve rarely been able to keep up with my closest handful of friends on a frequent basis, let alone everyone else. Red has always been a big help in keeping up with things, but he doesn’t do everything. I’m so sorry I made you feel forgotten, Peaches. I’ve always cherished your friendship, and I was so incredibly excited to meet you in Paris. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, and I’ve never thought to purposely drop you just because I could. I’m sorry. I know I’ve made a lot of people feel forgotten or ignored. It’s so easy to get caught up in projects, or what I’m doing, while I have the energy to do it, that people fall by the wayside. I understand the feelings of those who resent me over this, and all I can say is I’m sorry.

I don’t deserve to be able to contact everyone involved directly to personally apologize, so I’ll do it here in the chance they read it.

To Nano:
I’m so sorry I let things get to this point or even entertained the thought of you working exclusively with me. That’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t be here without you, and I wouldn’t have been able to do most of what I've already done without you. I felt overly attached to our relationship over the past 4 years, and loved your work so much that I wanted to make *myself* exclusive to your art, and should have never sought those feelings to be reciprocated. Everything you’ve ever worked on for me was always so perfect and I lost sight of how everyone else around me would have felt. I had no intentions of pressuring you into anything, but looking back on my clouded judgement, I can see how my messages felt that way. When I talked about how my models helped you improve, I meant that as looking back on how far we’ve come together. We’ve been friends for so long and cheered each other on when we both started growing and getting more opportunities like plushies, figures, etc. You had been my exclusive artist for full live 2D models for the majority of my time as a vtuber, and of course I would have been sad if you didn’t want to continue that relationship, but in all our other private dms, I was okay with you ultimately doing what was best for yourself. I saw you as someone I trusted and loved and wanted to make sure you were still taking care of yourself with all the projects you took on, mine or otherwise. I never saw you as just a business partner. I thought I was reassuring you that I’d always be understanding if you wanted to move on to other projects. I genuinely appreciated our friendship. I always saw you as a close friend, and I’m sorry for what I put you through.

To Bao:
Since the start, I’ve always admired you and how genuine you’ve always been to everyone. I wouldn’t be here without you, either. I'm disgusted with myself for buying into the narrative that my friends were "competition". I've never had such genuine friendships in my life. Especially with you, we've gotten to know each other so well online and in person. You’ve already been through so much and the last thing I'd want to do is cause more harm. But I did. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner about these ideas that were put into my head. I wish we would've been able to talk about this, too. I didn't know about the severity of things that had been said and theorized about my own friends behind my back until now. It's my fault for not realizing the things Red was saying about you. The countless friendships I've made here within the last several years mean so much more to me than him and the "business" side of things, and his way of thinking. No amount of popularity or money means more to me than the relationships I've built in this community. I've always been myself, whether that be on stream or in person, and I hope the friends I've made can understand I'd never condone this behavior or any of the things that were said about my friends. I've always wanted everyone around me to thrive and find happiness. I can't stress enough how disappointed I am that I didn't see this sooner, until it got to a breaking point. I’m sorry, Bao.

To Sac:
I loved getting to chat with you in person and absolutely loved all the hard work you put into the  Boss Rush song. I was so grateful to hear you were on board to edit the MV. I don’t remember exactly why the stream got pushed back, but I definitely wouldn’t have put the blame on you knowing about how soon the deadline was when you started working on it. I was so thankful for your willingness to complete the project despite everything, and the quality of how it turned out was incredible. I can’t believe how Red talked about you especially after all the effort you put in for me. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened.

To Cotton and Lily:
I’m so sorry you had to get dragged into this. It’s my fault I let it get this far, but I hope you can believe me when I say I had no knowledge of Red bringing you up in Nano’s DMs. I just learned about all this myself and there could have been so many other friends affected by the narrative that things always had to be competitive. If I knew Red was trying to exclude specific friends in this exclusivity deal, I would have spoken up. None of my friendships are worth sacrificing over an art piece. I loved being your friend and all the memories we’ve shared, and I hope someday you can forgive me for allowing this to happen.

To Silver:
Since the start, I loved that I saw someone else sharing so many similar interests to me, and I thought maybe someday we could talk about it all and be good friends. I was blinded by all these hate comments around me calling me your lesser half. I hate the person I’ve become towards you. I tried reaching out some time ago to try to start up a friendly conversation to change things and make things right, say hi to you at conventions, and support your endeavors, but despite all that I was still being eaten alive by my own doubts and fear or harassment. I was pressured by the community as a whole to try reaching out to collaborate since I got these messages so often comparing us, and I hoped we could work something out. The photo of me at the meet and greet was taken candidly and I thought it looked so cute, and I posted it without asking you which was wrong of me. I was so wrong for letting everyone get in my head about all these malicious feelings. I’m so sorry for any opportunities I’ve taken away from you. I’m sorry, Silver.

To Spite:
I’m sorry I had assumed things about your design that weren’t true, and I’m sorry you’ve been harassed by commenters needing to compare us. And I apologize for the way Red spoke about you to Nano. You didn’t deserve any of this, Spite. I’m sorry.

To Peaches:
I’m sorry if I made it seem like I was ignoring or ghosting you. I was so happy we had the opportunity to meet in person, and I was apologetic with how busy things were for me at the time. I wanted to spend more time with you, but as I got more and more DMs and messages, everything became so overwhelming. I’ve always had a low social battery and that made it so hard for me to keep up to date with all my friends. I’ve never had any ill feelings towards you and I still don’t.

To Rayne:
You were the first person I met as an ASMRtist, during a time where I was immature and vulnerable. I ended up being consumed by the content I was making and it led me to making awful decisions I still think about and regret. I was not in a good spot at the time. I’ve hated myself for this kind of behavior and it took a long time for me to move on from what happened. I have no excuses. I’m sorry you were dragged into my drama, and I’m sorry how I made you feel after I just wanted to close the book on things.

I’m sorry to my Pyro Pups and my mods for expecting me to lead by a better example than this. I’m sorry to the vtuber community for looking towards me as someone to aspire to. I’m sorry to Kaizer, who’s put his heart and soul into everything he’s ever done for me, and not even talking to you about how I felt. I’m sorry to the dozens of artists that have put their hard work into me. And I’m sorry to the rest of my friends who I’ve let down. I’ve led a bad example, and I don’t expect forgiveness. I’ve made many mistakes over my 5 years on the internet. I’m only one person, living the one life I get for the first and only time, like everyone else. As I said at the start, I ended up developing an extremely unhealthy work/life balance, and the harm Red has caused with the way he viewed things is irreparable. The way I’ve been perceiving things lately is not how I want to view the world moving forward, and this goes to show there’s a lot I need to address and improve if I’m to continue being a creator. I’m devastated that the friendships so special to me may, understandably, never be mended again.

I love my job and I love all the friends I’ve had. Thank you for reading.
- Sinder

Transcript for:Sinder's Apology and Reflection

Transcript for:
Sinder's Apology and Reflection