[Music] maybe the Father the Son the Holy Ghost amen hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb jesus holy mary mother of god pray for us in yah mother of divine grace her name of the Father Son and Holy Ghost amen just a few things to start out with first as you should have gotten in a handout for the schedule for the retreat stick around after the Sunday Mass if you can because there will be a plenary indulgence to the blessing that's attached and also trying to observe silence degree as you can you can talk with your spouse but try and do it in such a way it doesn't disturb other people of course usually usually on marriage retreats that's the last person they want to talk to all right also if you haven't made a general confession or if you have questions about how to make one I'll be half did happy to discuss with you see see should have put out a list or a piece of paper where you can sign if you want to come see me now you can come see me either as a couple or individually if you want to just talk about some particular spiritual matter or if you want to go to confession or something of that sort I have a handout some of you have already seen this I'm sure some of you haven't there isn't this is a 12 which I gave a few years ago which deals with marital roles which I'm not going to spend too much time on this here in this retreat except for in so far as how to in each Bettina in each particular role how to obtain perfection in that role I'm not going to be spending too much time and try to delineate the roles only because hopefully you already know what it is but it'll come out a little bit in the course of this this retreat also feel free to walk around into the scenery around here is quite good it's a great place to walk if you need spiritual reading there you have to be rather selective though there is stuff along the inside here in the wall and the said this hall that along the walls there's some spiritual reading if you didn't bring any minute dish into this but be very careful what you pick out of there some of its good some of it you have to be careful with okay the first talk I want to give is on the nature of marriage given the Supreme Court ruling today it seems almost inevitable in the offing that they're going to strike down marital laws defining marriage between one man and one woman of course I think it's coming even though they say no it's not but I think it is marriage is defined in different ways by different people but the church has a very concise definition marriage is a sacrament of the new law so it's one which Christ instituted by which a man and a woman contract or enter into contract of bodily rights now what that means is that when you get married you actually even though it doesn't say that too much you know I'll take it for richer and poorer in sickness and in health for better for worse just last weekend that it was at a at a marriage in that there was the priest gave the homily and was talking about one married couple and the woman something happened to her husband and they said well you know you could give divorce and she said no I married for better for worse and we just happened to get worse so imagine there's some people think I got the worst end of it but hopefully that's not the case all right and I guess I hope you don't think that the point is is that marriage has a two-fold aspect there's a natural aspect of it which is on the level of justice which we'll talk about here in a little bit then the second part is on the sacramental level and both the natural aspect of the natural finality and ordering actually comes under the sacramental aspect a contract of course is a matter of justice there is a lot of talk today in shifting the discussion of the nature of marriage from a contract to one of a covenant now there's a bit of a difficulty that I find in trying to make that shift one is that it states that marriage is founded in love not really marriage is actually founded in justice which we'll see here in a minute while love is an important part of the necessary part of marriage and hopefully you love your spouse the fact of the matter is is that it's not an essential part of marriage it is it's a it's a necessary but it's not an essential part of marriage what's he slits and what's the essential part of marriage is that you render justice to your partner because that's the nature of the contract when you got married you conceded bodily rites to the other individual which means that you have to not only render the marital debt but you also have to render the things that go with conceding bodily rights to your spouse which we'll see a little bit later that it comes down for instance in the case of a husband when he gets married when a guy who in a guy marries a wife and becomes married he has to not only render the marital debt but he has to take you she has a right for him to go use his body to support her so that she properly raise the children at home that's a right that she has now it's ironic that in the age of feminism women are trying to claim all sorts of rights other than the one that they actually have they have a right to stay home unless like every other right it's not absolute so there can be circumstances where she may have to actually work but she has a right to stay home to raise the children or to take care of the domestic affairs because that's a proper role but the point is it's a matter of right and on the other hand he has a right not only for her to render the marital debt but also that she stays home and takes care of his children and her children so he actually has that right so we'll talk about this a little bit later but there's a distinction between bed and board it's not just rendering the marital act in the bed there is more to it than that there is what's called the board which means she has a right to be supported to the degree of choose you know obviously circumstances can happen and he may not be able to do it given the current economic circumstances or whatever but she has a right to be supported and to be able to be freed so that she can take care of the children he on the other hand has a right to come home to his wife now this is obviously this is rooted in roles but it's a matter of what the contract is and this is actually governed by the natural law the point is is that by switching it to try and switch the language to covenant what happens is is that the legal aspects or the justice aspects the rights that people have are diminished justice means that once you contract the person has bodily rights over the other individual once the marriage is contracted and that means injustice the person has to render the marital debt at every reasonable request every reasonable request does mean every time just means reasonable request so you can't it's not the type of thing that you can say well I got a headache or I want to go plough the field or whatever if the person makes a reasonable request it has to because why they have a right to it justice also means that you cannot use the miracle goods to manipulate each other or to punish each other which very often happens in marriage one of the partners does something so the like for instance the wife will do something she'll go out and buy a set of curtains that the husband's a little annoyed with so what does he do he punishes every by giving their the silent treatment or by refusing to have any discussion with or even to render the miracle debt completely in fact it's a moral sin the theologians will tell you that's a Molson to manipulate the spouse by using that or to actually refuse it is a mortal sin when it's reasonable of course it has to be reasonable marriage so so in other words it's a contract so the relationship that they have is actually rooted in justice that justice is in the will and that means that if you're going to love the spouse or if you're going to render justice you will actually will for them what is due to them so it's still a matter of what you have to will it but that means that in the will it makes that willing or Tibetan to render to them what's due to them a little easier if you love them obviously and so as a result that's one of the principle reasons why for instance st. Paul says you know husband love your wall eyes see why that is later in the men's part of the thing but the the point is is that it makes it easier to will the good for the other individual v it also makes it easier if you understand that there's a matter of justice and that you're bound in this person you can also make it a little easier if you have a bit of virtue particularly benign eighty and benevolence benevolence is willingness to disposition by which you will other people good particularly those who are close to you and benign it is the word is the actual you do the good for the other individual so people who are unwilling to do good things for themselves smiles don't have benign Amy we'll talk about a little bit more about that later but that means that if you're going to render somebody there do you have to have some degree of benevolence because what's due to them is some good thing and so as a result you have to be have some benevolence when you're married so its first rooted in justice and that means that insofar as it's rooted in justice marriage is an at what we call a natural law institution now what the natural law is is that God in making human nature designed him to function in specific ways by the faculties and the nature that he gave them we see this with a dog for instance a dog goes around it barks it bites and things like that it doesn't go around engaging in rational discourse even the little chihuahua has to be spruced up a little bit on TV so the point is is that the human nature on the other hand is designed for specific kinds of ends or designed for specific kinds of actions God intended us to behave in a specific way this means in relationship to marriage that it's based on three things then the proper use of the body and relationship to the other individual the justice to render towards them so that so the first is on the level of the body the second is on the level of the will that's justice and the third is on the level of reason because why you can't get married unless you can at least understand what you're getting yourself into okay so it's based upon the natural law this means also that marriage is ordered towards giving God glory through the bringing of souls into the world to worship Him in other words marriage by its its principle and in its principle goal is the bringing about of children now that doesn't mean if somebody doesn't have children that somehow there's something wrong morally wrong with them of course all it means is is that God had established marriage so the people would propagate propagate and that's precisely why he made it and he designed our faculties to be able to do that so that is and so it's going towards his glory we'll see that a little bit later but it's done by bringing souls into the world this this primary and therefore is primary it means that the principal reason people get married is to have children you know people you hear this from time to time people who will say things like well we're getting married well you know when you can have children well we're not ready yet we're going to wait a few years well then you're not ready to get married that's the basic gist if you're not prepared from the day that you get married start having children then you're not ready to get married because that's the principle end of this of this contract that you're getting into the second one of course the second end of marriage is the mutual love and support the spouses now this second end of marriage is not the same thing as the second end of the conjugal act there's been a lot of blurring of distinctions as of late you'll hear people say well you know they'll say well the secondary end of the conjugal act is the mutual love the spouses no it is not that's the third end the second end of two primary ends of course the conjugal act are Union and procreation procreation being the principle and it means to that procreation is Union and those are the two principle ends so the having children is the principle and Union is the second physical Union doesn't talk about love the church isn't it up until recently the church never talked about love being the secondary end of marriage they did always talk about it as an end of marriage and a necessary thing that don't get me wrong I'm not trying to downplay marital love that's not my point my point is is to put it in the proper understanding but put it in the proper context so the primary end of marriage is having children the primary end of conjugal life is having children the secondary end of marriage is mutual love and support of the spouses that is they help support each other help each other to fulfill their duties and their states in life the then the second and secondary end of the conjugal act is Union and then the third end of the conjugal act and marriage or the secondary or the third end of the kondal Act is mutual love that's its primary and that's this that's the third end just so we have that in context because what's happened is in our sentimental and sappy culture people have elevated the love dimension to the top and so why do people get love how I get laughter sorry we're game area not well that's a good reason to want to get married but you should be getting married because you want to have children you want to start raising a family now obviously many of you are old enough to do this but just so that you know and that many of you are old enough to know that that children are the natural effect of this which seems to be more and more denied lately so there's that's the natural aspect it's a matter of justice render the other person their due it's based in natural law and it has these ends and these ends are determined again by the way God designed us so as a result if we the natural law is one of those things that if we don't follow the natural law then we will in a chiral trajectory of that that is unhappiness why well it's analogous to when you just when you build a car you build it in such a way so that I put gas in the gas tank and oil in the engine and if I do all the things that's suppose if I treat the car right then it'll run properly because I'm doing what it's designed to do if I put water in the gas tank well eventually the engine is going to quit or it's going to start acting where or if I get under the hood and I start yanking things out then eventually the things not go run profit or run very poorly it's the exact same way as it is with human beings god designed some specific way if you and that means he meant it to function in a specific way and if you go in and you start being sterilized to do various things there's like the thing doesn't function properly and eventually people end up unhappy and and yet and this also goes all this also applies to in marriage selfishness is a serious problem it's a serious problem because we're all affected by original sin but it can become a big problem within the context of marriage and so as a result this is one of the reasons why the legal aspects that are so important I'm basing it only on love well then when they love evaporates there goes my marriage but if I'd been doing this as okay I haven't contracting responsibilities and obligations in relationship and so the person then thus then there is a foundation for the permanency of the marriage marriage is a sacrament what marriage does as a sacrament as it raises the natural law institution so the from the very beginning from when Adam and Eve were walking around he got had established marriage as an institution from the very beginning and they didn't have the sacrament of matrimony sacrament of matrimony didn't begin until Christ came and so as a result there was a natural law institution and they're still actually is a natural institution for those who are unaware of the gospel and unable to make to contract the sacrament because of whatever reason so they are able to ensure still into a natural law of marriage but it's forbidden to Catholics of course Catholics have to be married sacramentally otherwise even the natural law aspects of the Church considers null all right so what the church does what God does is he takes this natural law institution and then he raises it to the level of a sacrament and what does that mean it means that the heat there's a confer love a sacrament no sad sacrament is an outward sign so you exchange vows instituted by Christ to give grace so it's actually order towards actually giving you grace the natural law institution as such is only dispositive towards grace if I follow the natural law God will that dispose it disposes me towards receiving grace but it doesn't give me grace whereas once you're married you actually get a sanctifying grace to help you to sanctifying an actual grace to help survive the marriage the actual grace the two principal effects of actual grace are to enlighten the mind and strengthen the will that means that if you have the sacrament of matrimony you're receiving the graces from that sacrament the sacrament of course is ordered towards permanency and the and the fidelity that you pledged as a vow helps you to fulfill that then it gives you the actual strength of will to be able to do that and if you dispose yourself then the grace becomes more operative and it's much more easier to will the permison to remain within the confines of your marriage but it also means that throughout the course that once you contract the sacrament of matrimony you can perpetually until the per person dies until the spouse dies you can continually draw sanctifying groups not only sanctifying grace but actual grace in order to keep yourself on the straight and level course in the will and you can also it also enlightens the mind which means that it will help you to see what's necessary to help each other to help to survive within the context of of the modern world of course most people simply do not draw off their sacramental Grace's properly it is usually within the usually within most marriages the natural dimension to it just completely dominates and the supernatural dimension is not even you know paid too much attention to this also means that when God raised it to a supernatural level he did specifically intended to use matrimony and order directly towards the salvation of each other souls so what does this mean it means that God gives grace through the sacrament in order for the spouse mutual spouses be able to save their own soul and save the soul thirsteth out of the spouse and this is important because in the end when we say that the natural law in the natural institution the primary end is having children in the supernatural level which is even more primary the primary end is the salvation of each other souls so you probably figure yourself I'm having a real hard time saving my soul around this file second to note that what this means is if you're having a difficulty in marriage saving your soul you're finding it difficult then what it means is is that a you're not drawing enough on the sacramental graces and be you don't have that you're not working on the requisite virtues see are you offering up the suffering that your spouse's causes you for the sake of the other spouse that actually comes up a little bit in the talk that I handed out but most people fail to offer up adequate prayers and sufferance whether South's praying isn't enough you know Christ said you know the Apostles go out and they couldn't cast out these some of the demons and Christ said well you know some demons have to be cast out by prayer and fasting well that is actually the same case the context of marriage some spouses just require fasting and praying in order to bring them around now on the other hand it can also be that if your spouse is causing new problems the problem might be on your side so whenever you see and this is this is a point revealing to people if you are perfectly sanctified now sanctified perfection consists in excellence and grace you have a lot of Grey's in the adornment of the soul all of the virtues so you're perfectly virtuous in every way that's sanctified perfection if your spouse does something that annoys you then that is assigned to you that you are weak in some virtue there's some virtue you're lacking whether it's patience or long suffering or whatever the case may be your your your likeness whereas if you had perfect virtue it didn't matter what your spouse would do you'd have perfect end with equanimity we didn't mean what you wouldn't be concerned if they did something rather odd but it just means that you could take with perfect equanimity and then when they did these things you would be able to have the clarity of mind to look at your spouse and say okay I cease having a difficulty with this I have to do this in order to help them or anytime he does something that annoys me I'm going to offer it up for him if you get into that habit then two things happen one you're actually married in grace for the guys we can actually provide it here in the state of grace so you're actually helping them the second thing is that you're building virtue and so as time goes on it becomes easier and so the different the difficulty of your with your spouse becomes less of a difficulty for you at least and then lastly the other thing that does too is is that it helps you to have a more positive aspect or the outlook on your spouse cause you're actually doing something good for them rather than the minute they do something you know interiorly spouses usually little older get pretty good at mastering the interior irritation so the suspense because they know if they verbalize it it's just going to boil things up and it gets worse and things go downhill but the point is is that unless of course you're perfectly virtuous both of you and so then you may not have any of these problems but original sin being what it is most people suffer from these things and so it's important that we actually view our spouse in the proper way that is to recognize that it's your duty to actually help your spouse save his or her soul when you stand before God and you might have committed sins because of your spouse your spouse isn't going to be there to defend you and you're not going to be able to point fingers at your spouse you're going to have to pay for you're going to have to pay the price for it on your own on the other hand if you didn't do what you're supposed to do your spouse gets to stand there and accuse you of not helping them out in the proper circumstances although they probably won't have to do that because God will reveal it anyway they will see it but the point is is that you have to make sure that you're taking responsibility for any difficulty within the context your family on your own this salvation of the souls becomes the primary and over all others grace also aids one the sacramental Grace's directly order towards fulfilling the bowels so fidelity to the other spouse and also in miracle and in with respect to the justice aspects it helps you to ruin render those aspects but it also helps the person to fulfill their duties according to their state in other words because they're married now there's certain responsibilities Fulton sheen used to say that there are two ways in which somebody grows up either by suffering or by responsibility I heard that from somebody I have to give them credit wherever they may be but the point is is that marriage brings responsibility and suffering so if you rise to the occasion and take the responsibility for those things that you're supposed to fulfill your duties and that's based upon your roles if you fulfill that then you'll mature but if you don't if you're really unwilling to take on the responsibilities and there's a certain amount of a maturity and the second if you're unwilling to accept the suffering that goes along in marriage which may not even come as the result of your spouse may become because of children or just things outside your marriage or whatever fron willing to suffer those things you're never going to be properly mature in fact I argue that ultimate rarity ultimately consists of sanctified perfection which means that a person just simply has all the virtues because if a person is perfectly mature then they will simply put up with any difficulty that comes along with equanimity they don't react they don't throw a tantrum like a kid they don't get angry just ordinate Lee so as a result the person who is mature is the one who actually reaches a certain level of it's the Saint that's what it is the person who reaches a certain level of sanctified perfection and in marriage one of the principal ways in which you bro holy is through the defects of your spouse and many of you heard me say this before but the circumstances merit saying it again one time a spiritual director wrote to saint john of the cross and said hi hi okay these also said this this happened to Padre Pio st. Padre Pio yeah they sent a spiritual director he sent a letter to to st. John to the cross and said she was a nun she said I could become a very holy nun if it wasn't for the rest of the nuns in the convent well the same thing actually applies in the context of marriage I'm sure many people think I could be much holier if it wasn't for my spouse or children or circumstances whatever Oh st. John of the Cross gives the perfect answer he writes back he says it's quite the contrary it's the defects of the other nuns which become the moments of your growing in virtue and holiness through suffering and that's precisely how will you have to view it in the context of the family obviously you don't want your spouse to be a wrench so that you can become holy it's not the point the because it is true too that the virtues of the other individual to aid and support each other it helps both of them but at the same time you have to look at the defects within the context of your marriage as actually aiding if you look at it with the proper perspective and this grace helps you to fulfill your duties and to help you to always do what's necessary in the context of your spouse and so you can draw on the sacramental grace it's not just on the day of your wedding but every single day of the rut in your life until both died one of them dies marriage of course also st. Thomas says that fidelity of course which is exclusivity that is you exclusively are with one spouse this fidelity is both on the level of the natural law and it's also on the level of the sacrament because once you contract the sacrament there is one instance in which the sacrament of matrimony can actually be dissolved by the Pope and that is when it hasn't been caught when the marriage has have not been consummated then for a just and good reason the spouses can actually have the marriage dissolved most people don't know that there was actually a case it's kind of interesting there was a case of a guy who was trying to get an annulment and he he and his wife had five kids and he argued that he should be able to get an annulment based on the fact that the marriage was never consummated and he got it because actually got the discipline he got it dissolved that marriage result because they had all the children before they contracted the sacrament of matrimony so the point is the point is is that when is the point the point is is that this fidelity that the sacrament is ordered towards perfect fidelity and this fidelity is not merely just with respect to the conjugal act but even if affections you should not be looking to have to have your any other the romantic affections and things like that with anyone any other person you know you hear this business when people say well I'm married so that means I can look and not touch now you can't even look if by look you mean actually allowing your affections to fall on somebody else just as a priest the perfection for a priest consists in not only forgoing the good of marriage but you gain perfect detachment from them it also means for the spouse is that their affections become perfectly detached in relationship to other people at least in the context of the marriage so that is that they can only allow their affections to fall upon their spouse and this also means with respect to thoughts as well the ring of course in marriage is a sign of bondage it's about you're bound together now and you've bound together as one insofar as you become not only one flesh in the conjugal act that's part of it and Joseph you should be seeking to become one in heart of course in the sense of to perfect virtue you can grow in love towards each other which incidentally if you want your spouse to love you more become virtuous because Aristotle says that friendship and love ultimately st. Thomas's love is based upon some good or virtue that you see in the individual if you don't think your spouse loves you enough become more virtuous and it'll actually draw the spouse into loving you more but this this ring this this bond bones went together to become one of heart and so that you can faithfully execute the things that are necessary as heads of your children obviously those of you have had children know clearly that you kind of get this triangulating that goes on with children you go to the mom mom can I go out right now so then they sneak off dad can I go out tonight yeah if you can go out so you have to be very careful about that in the sense of not to be suspicious of your children although that tends to come naturally with having them but you do have to you do have to try an act together cohesively and coherently for the good of the family and also love st. Thomas says that the natural one of the natural effects of love is union become one and that is the person seeks union with the beloved and as if you really love your spouse then it means that not necessary that you want to spend all your time together but that you will always want to act together with one mind and one heart in the context of the family and also act together and so far as is good for each other this sacrament of marriage also helps one in chastity now it is a common misperception that once you're married you don't have to observe chastity on schism sir chastity is the virtue in the canoe possible appetite if that part of us which desires conjugal relations and it moderates that it keeps it toned down and keeps it moderated what this means is is that obviously for a priest or for someone who's single that means you have to have perfect chaste you have to perfect moderation you can't give in to the father the desires in any way whatsoever in the context of marriage it means that the conjugal act has to be governed by the natural law in other words it has to be moderated according to do circumstances and due mode we'll be talking about that with the men and you know an end and it has to be taken to consideration the good of the other spouse and things like that so once you get married it's not just license in this regard there is actually a chastity so that they can actually go grow through chat in fact Saint Agustin says that one of the principal ends of marriage is to help each other to overcome lost so that they that it's properly directed and that they can overcome this together grace of course helps to sustain the trials of marriage which mean on a circular from each other as I mentioned which is life in general this grace of the sacrament grace also helps to seek self detachment what self detachment is is that one has a certain indifference regarding oneself but that doesn't mean that one just lets oneself get walked on it's not the case at all what it means is is that the person doesn't really care so much what happens to them as long as the right thing is done so in other words the self detachment is ultimately ordered more perfectly tortured charity that is I want to love and do what's necessary for the sake of my spouse and for those around me and so what happens is through this grace if we continue to work on the self detachment through that grace of the sacrament and the people that are married can actually gain a great deal of self detachment 99 percent of marital problems stem from lack of self detachment because either people are too attached to the way they spend money they're too attached to the way the things are arranged in the home they're too attached towards certain behaviors on the side of their spouse or their attached to certain something in them which of the spouse doesn't satisfy their irritated and so as a result if a person gains perfect self detachment it will greatly smooth over the things in marriage now that doesn't mean that if one spouse becomes perfectly the attached to somehow or another the other spouse just turns wonderful no but it does aid a great deal through charity because you don't become self detached just for no reason whatsoever we're not Buddhists we're actually Christians of course Catholics which means that our self detachment is ordered towards we don't love ourselves except insofar as we love God now what that means is that we're not attached to self or ultimately attached to God charity is not love of God and love of neighbor now many of you heard me ramble about this but it's important again to bring this up in this context charity is love of God and love of neighbor for the sake of God it's not just loving your neighbor Christ said look at the Gentiles do as much no that's not charity is love of neighbor for the sake of God now that means that in the context of the of your marriage that perfect love of spouse consists of perfect charity which means you don't love your spouse for natural reasons you don't love them with a natural love you love them at the supernatural it which means you love them for no other reason than willing to get willing the good for God which comes the good of your spouse I'm going to talk about that more later about the virtues but this is one of the principal ends of self detachment you have to become detached if you're going to become perfect within the context of your marriage and it's also self detachment of course is necessary just to live together because you can't you don't have complete pull over anything anymore once you're married there's always a certain amount of give-and-take and it's also the case with respect to finances there has to be a great deal of detachment regarding finances obviously to this grace aids one in fulfilling the other duties of the state which I of the state of marriage which I have not talked about but it's important to do two three things within the confines of marriage courts pray together but we'll talk more about that later you also have to in the context of the virtue of prayer you have to so you have to pray you have to do you have to do penances for each other and for the sake of your children which it comes out in that time and the third is you have to be striving actively for the perfect four virtues which means you better know what the virtues are you need to get books and read the things in order to know what the actual virtues are you can learn a lot about it through the lives of saints but you need to know what the virtues are because it's only through virtue that the marital life is smoothed out if you don't have virtue your marital life is simply going to be difficult and it's bad it's that simple so the moral historians is obey the natural law which comes up for which virtue does and always have fidelity to the graces that God sends you in the confines of marriage these Grace's come they give these little inclinations the person sees this would be the better thing to do now Petitte of lis they may not want to do it but you have to hold on to those graces and if you're always faithful to those graces and if you're striving for virtue your marriage can be much smoother than it may be it already is or if it's already smooth you can greatly aid each other spiritually which of course the end is to save you each other's souls if you'll kneel I'll give you a blessing Benedict sewed a omnipotentis Patri civilians but it assumptions supervisor - - Sam fair you