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LOUISE ERDRICH
I was the first one to drive a convertible on my reservation.
And of course it was red, a red Olds. I owned that car along
with my brother Henry Junior. We owned it together until
his boots filled with water on a windy ni ght and he bought
out my share. Now Henry owns the whole car, and his
younger brother Lyman (that's myself), Lyman walks every -
where he goes.
How did I earn enough money to buy my share in the first
place? My one talent was I could always make money. I had a
touch for it, unusual in a Chippewa. From the first I was dif -
ferent that way, and everyone recognized it. I was the only
kid they let in the American Legion Hall to shine shoes, for
example, and one Christmas I sold spiritual bouquets for the
mission d oor to door. The nuns let me keep a percentage.
Once I started, it seemed the more money I made the easier
the money came. Everyone encouraged it. When I was fifteen
I got a job washing dishes at the Joliet Cafe, and that was
where my first big break happe ned.
It wasn't long before I was promoted to busing tables, and
then the short -order cook quit and I was hired to take her
place. No sooner than you know it I was managing the Joliet.
The rest is history. I went on managing. I soon became part
owner, and o f course there was no stopping me then. It
wasn't long before the whole thing was mine.
After I'd owned the Joliet for one year, it blew over in the
worst tornado ever seen around here. The whole operation 104 I GROWING UP ETHNIC IN AMERICA
was smas hed to bits. A total loss. The fryalator was up in a
tree, the grill torn in half like it was paper. I was only sixteen.
I had it all in my mother's name, and I lost it quick, but be -
fore I lost it I had every one of my relatives, and their rela -
tives, to dinner, and I also bought that red Olds I mentioned,
along with Henry.
The first time we saw it! I'll tell you when we first saw it. We
had gotten a ride up to Winnipeg, and both of us had money.
Don't ask me why, because we never mentioned a car or any -
th ing, we just had all our money. Mine was cash, a big
bankroll from the Joliet's insurance. Henry had two checks
a week's extra pay for being laid off, and his regular check
from the Jewel Bearing Plant.
We were walking down Portage anyway, seeing the sigh ts,
when we saw it. There it was, parked, large as life. Really as
if it was alive. I thought of the word repose, because the car
wasn't simply stopped, parked, or whatever. That car
re posed, calm and gleaming, a FOR SALE sign in its left front
window. The n, before we had thought it over at all, the car
belonged to us and our pockets were empty. We had just
enough money for gas back home.
We went places in that car, me and Henry. We took off
driving all one whole summer. We started off toward the Lit -
tle Kn ife River and Mandaree in Fort Berthold and then we
found ourselves down in Wakpala somehow, and then sud -
denly we were over in Montana on the Rocky Boy, and yet
the summer was not even half over. Some people hang on to
details when they travel, but we did n't let them bother us and
just lived our everyday lives here to there.
I do remember this one place with willows. I remember I
lay under those trees and it was comfortable. So comfortable.
The branches bent down all around me like a tent or a stable. CRO SSING 105
And quiet, it was quiet, even though there was a ; powwow
close enough so I could see it going on. The air was not too
still, not too windy either. When the dust rises up and hangs
in the air around the dancers like that, I feel good. Henry was
asleep with his arms thrown wide. Later on, he woke up and
we started driving again. We were somewhere in Montana,
or maybe on the Blood Reserve it could have been any -
where. Anyway it was where we met the girl.
All her hair was in buns around her ears, that's the first thing
I noticed about her. She was posed alongside the road with
her arm out, so we stopped. That girl was short, so short her
lumber shirt looked comical on her, like a nightgown. She
had jeans on and fancy moccasins and she carrie d a little suit -
case.
"Hop on in," says Henry. So she climbs in between us.
"We'll take you home," I says. "Where do you live?"
"Chicken," she says.
"Where the hell's that?" I ask her.
"Alaska."
"Okay," says Henry, and we drive.
We got up there and never w anted to leave. The sun
doesn't truly set there in summer, and the night is more a soft
dusk. You might doze off, sometimes, but before you know it
you're up again, like an animal in nature. You never feel like
you have to sleep hard or put away the world. And things
would grow up there. One day just dirt or moss, the next day
flowers and long grass. The girl's name was Susy. Her family
really took to us. They fed us and put us up. We had our own
tent to live in by their house, and the kids would be in and
out of there all day and night. They couldn't get over me and
Henry being brothers, we looked so different. We told them
we knew we had the same mother, anyway. : 106 I GROWING UP ETHNIC IN AMERICA
One night Susy came in to visit us. We sat around i n the
tent talking of this and that. The season was changing. It was
getting darker by that time, and the cold was even getting
just a little mean. I told her it was time for us to go. She stood
up on a chair.
"You never seen my hair," Susy said.
That was true. She was standing on a chair, but still, when
she unclipped her buns the hair reached all the way to the
ground. Our eyes opened. You couldn't tell how much hair
she had when it was rolled up so neatly. Then my brother
Henry did something funny. He we nt up to the chair and
said, "Jump on my shoulders." So she did that, and her hair
reached down past his waist, and he started twirling, this way
and that, so her hair was flung out from side to side.
"I always wondered what it was like to have long pretty
hair," Henry says. Well we laughed. It was a funny sight, the
way he did it. The next morning we got up and took leave of
those people.
On to greener pastures, as they say. It was down through
Spokane and across Idaho then Montana and very soon we
were ra cing the weather right along under the Canadian bor -
der through Columbus, Des Lacs, and then we were in Bot -
tineau County and soon home. We'd made most of the trip,
that summer, without putting up the car hood at all. We got
home just in time, it turned ou t, for the army to remember
Henry had signed up to join it.
I don't wonder that the army was so glad to get my brother
that they turned him into a Marine. He was built like a brick
outhouse anyway. We liked to tease him that they really
wanted him for his Indian nose. He had a nose big and sharp
as a hatchet, like the nose on Red Tomahawk, the Indian
who killed Sitting Bull, whose profile is on signs all along the CROSSING I 107
North Dakota highways. Henry went off to training camp,
came home once during Christmas, then the next thing you
know we got an overseas letter from him. It was 1970, and he
said he was stationed up in the northern hill country. Where -
abouts I did not know. He wasn't such a hot letter writer, and
only got off two before th e enemy caught him. I could never
keep it straight, which direction those good Vietnam soldiers
were from.
I wrote him back several times, even though I didn't know
if those letters would get through. I kept him informed all
about the car. Most of the ti me I had it up on blocks in .the
yard or half taken apart, because that long trip did a hard job
on it under the hood.
I always had good luck with numbers, and never worried
about the draft myself. I never even had to think about what
my number was. But He nry was never lucky in the same way
as me. It was at least three years before Henry came home. By
then I guess the whole war was solved in the government's
mind, but for him it would keep on going. In those years I'd
put his car into almost perfect shape. I always thought of it as
his car while he was gone, even though when he left he said,
"Now it's yours," and threw me his key.
"Thanks for the extra key," I'd said. "I'll put it up in your
drawer just in case I need it." He laughed.
When he came home, thou gh, Henry was very different, and
I'll say this: the change was no good. You could hardly expect
him to change for the better, I know. But he was quiet, so
quiet, and never comfortable sitting still anywhere but al -
ways up and moving around. I thought back to times we'd
sat still for whole afternoons, never moving a muscle, just
shifting our weight along the ground, talking to whoever sat
with us, watching things. He'd always had a joke, then, too, 108 I GROWING UP ETHNIC IN AMERICA
and now you couldn 't get him to laugh, or when he did it was
more the sound of a man choking, a sound that stopped up
the throats of other people around him. They got to leaving
him alone most of the time, and I didnt blame them. It was a
fact: Henry was jumpy and mean.
I' d bought a color TV set for my mom and the rest of us
while Henry was away. Money still came very easy. I was
sorry I'd ever fought it though, because of Henry. I was also
sorry I'd bought color, because with black -and -white the pic -
tures seem older and fa rther away. But what are you going to
do? He sat in front of it, watching it, and that was the only
time he was completely still. But it was the kind of stillness
that you see in a rabbit when it freezes and before it will bolt.
He was not easy. He sat in his chair gripping the armrests
with all his might, as if the chair itself was moving at a high
speed and if he let go at all he would rocket forward and
maybe crash right through the set.
Once I was in the room watching TV with Henry and I
heard his teeth click at something. I looked over, and he'd
bitten through his lip. Blood was going down his chin. I tell
you right then I wanted to smash that tube to pieces. I went
over to it but Henry must have known what I was up to. He
rushed from his chair and shov ed me out of the way, against
the wall. I told myself he didn't know what he was doing.
My mom came in, turned the set off real quiet, and told us
she had made something for supper. So we went and sat
down. There was still blood going down Henry's chin, bu t he
didn't notice it and no one said anything even though every
time he took a bite of his bread his blood fell onto it until he
was eating his own blood mixed in with the food.
While Henry was not around we talked about what was go -
ing to happen to him. There were no Indian doctors on the CROSSING 109
reservation, and my mom couldn't come around to trusting
the old man, Moses Pillager, because he courted her long ago
and was jealous of her husbands. He might take revenge
through her son. We were afraid that if we brought Henry to
a regular hospital they would keep him.
"They don't "fix them in those places," Mom said; "they just
give them drugs."
"We wouldn't get him there in the first place," I agreed,
"so let's just forget about it."
Then I thought about the car.
Henry had not even looked at the car since he'd gotten
home, though like I said, it was in tip -top condition and
ready to drive. I thought the car might bring the old Henry
back somehow. So I bided my time and waited for my chance
to interes t him in the vehicle.
One night Henry was off somewhere. I took myself a
hammer. I went out to that car and I did a number on its un -
derside. Whacked it up. Bent the tail pipe double. Ripped the
muffler loose. By the time I was done with the car it looked
worse than any typical Indian car that has been driven all its
life on reservation roads, which they always say are like gov -
ernment promises full of holes. It just about hurt me, I'll
tell you that! I threw dirt in the carburetor and I ripped all
the elec tric tape off the seats. I made it look just as beat up as
I could. Then I sat back and waited for Henry to find it.
Still, it took him over a month. That was all right, because
it was just getting warm enough; not melting, but warm
enough to work outside.
"Lyman," he says, walking in one day, "that red car looks
like shit."
"Well it's old," I says. "You got to expect that."
"No way!" says Henry. "That car's a classic! But you went
and ran the piss right put of it, Lyman, and you know it don't
deserve that. I kept that car in A -one shape. You don't re -110 I GROWING UP ETHNIC IN AMERICA
member. You're too young. But when I left, that car was
running like a watch. Now I don't even know if I can get it
to start again, let alone get it anywhere near its old con -
dition."
"Well you try," I said, like I was getting mad, "but I say it's
a piece of junk."
Then I walked out before he could realize I knew he'd
strung together more than six words at once.
After that I thought he'd freeze himself to death working on
that car. He was out there all day, and at night he rigged up a
little lamp, ran a cord out the window, and had himself some
light to see by while he worked. He was better than he had
been before, but that's still not saying much. It was easier for
him to do the things the rest of us did. He ate more slowly
and didn't jump up and down during the meal to get this or
that or look out the window. I put my hand in the back of the
TV set, I admit, and fiddled around with it good, so that it
was almost impossi ble now to get a clear picture. He didn't
look at it very often anyway. He was always out with that car
or going off to get parts for it. By the time it was really melt -
ing outside, he had it fixed.
I had been feeling down in the dumps about Henry
around t his time. We had always been together before.
Henry and Lyman. But he was such a loner now that I didn't
know how to take it. So I jumped at the chance one day
when Henry seemed friendly. It's not that he smiled or any -
thing. He just said, "Let's take that old shitbox for a spin."
Just the way he said it made me think he could be coming
around.
We went out to the car. It was spring. The sun was shining
very bright. My only sister, Bonita, who was just eleven years
old, came out and made us stand together fo r a picture. CROSSING 11
Henry leaned his elbow on the red car's windshield, and he
took his other arm and put it over my shoulder, very care -
fully, as though it was heavy for him to lift and he didn't
want to bring the weight down all at once. "Smile," Bonita
said, and he did.
That picture. I never look at it anymore. A few months ago, I
don't know why, I got his picture out and tacked it on the
wall. I felt good about Henry at the time, close to him. I felt
good having his picture on the wall, until on e night when I
was looking at television. I was a little drunk and stoned. I
looked up at the wall and Henry was staring at me. I don't
know what it was, but his smile had changed, or maybe it
was gone. All I know is I couldn't stay in the same room with
that picture. I was shaking. I got up, closed the door, and
went into the kitchen. A little later my friend Ray came over
and we both went back into that room. We put the picture in
a brown bag, folded the bag over and over tightly, then put it
way back in a closet.
I still see that picture now, as if it tugs at me, whenever I
pass that closet door. The picture is very clear in my mind. It
was so sunny that day Henry had to squint against the glare.
Or maybe the camera Bonita held flashed like a mirror,
blin ding him, before she snapped the picture. My face is right
out in the sun, big and round. But he might have drawn
back, because the shadows on his face are deep as holes.
There are two shadows curved like little hooks around the
ends of his smile, as if to frame it and try to keep it there
that one, first smile that looked like it might have hurt his
face. He has his field jacket on and the worn -in clothes he'd
come back in and kept wearing ever since. After Bonita took
the picture, she went into the house and we got into the car.
There was a full cooler in the trunk. We started off, east, to -112 I GROWING UP ETHNIC IN AMERICA
ward Pembina and the Red River because Henry said he
wanted to see the high water.
The trip over there was beautiful. When e verything starts
changing, drying up, clearing off, you feel like your whole
life is starting. Henry felt it, too. The top was down and the
car hummed like a top. He'd really put it back in shape, even
the tape on the seats was very carefully put down and glued
back in layers. It's not that he smiled again or even joked, but
his face looked to me as if it was clear, more peaceful. It
looked as though he wasn't thinking of anything in particular
except the bare fields and windbreaks and houses we were
passin g.
The river was high and full of winter trash when we got
there. The sun was still out, but it was colder by the river.
There -were still little clumps of dirty snow here and there on
the banks. The water hadn't gone over the banks yet, but it
would, you c ould tell. It was just at its limit, hard swollen,
glossy like an old gray scar. We made ourselves a fire, and we
sat down and watched the current go. As I watched it I felt
something squeezing inside me and tightening and trying to
let go all at the same time. I knew I was not just feeling it my -
self; I knew I was feeling what Henry was going through at
that moment. Except that I couldn't stand it, the closing and
opening. I jumped to my feet. I took Henry by the shoulders,
and I started shaking him. "Wake up," I says, "wake up,
wake up, wake up!" I didn't know what had come over me. I
sat down beside him again.
His face was totally white and hard. Then it broke, like
stones break all of a sudden when water boils up inside them.
"I know it," he says. "I kno w it. I can't help it. It's no use."
We start talking. He said he knew what I'd done with the
car. It was obvious it had been whacked out of shape and not
just neglected. He said he wanted to give the car to me for CROSSING I 113
good now, it was n o use. He said he'd fixed it just to give it
back and I should take it.
"No way," I says, "I don't want it."
"That's okay," he says, "you take it."
"I don't want it, though," I says back to him, and then to
emphasize, just to emphasize, you understand, I t ouch his
shoulder. He slaps my hand off.
"Take that car," he says.
"No," I say. "Make me," I say, and then he grabs my jacket
and rips the arm loose. That jacket is a class act, suede with
tags and zippers. I push Henry backwards, off the log. He
jumps up and bowls me over. We go down in a clinch and
come up swinging hard, for all we're worth, with our fists.
He socks my jaw so hard I feel like it swings loose. Then. I'm at
his rib cage and. land a good one under his chin so his head
snaps back. He's dazzle d. He looks at me and I look at him
and then his eyes are full of tears and blood and at first I
think he's crying. But no, he's laughing. "Ha! Ha!" he says.
"Ha! Ha! Take good care of it."
"Okay," I says. "Okay, no problem; Ha! Ha!"
I can't help it, and I start laughing, too. My face feels fat
and strange, and after a while I get a beer from the cooler in
the trunk, and when I hand it to Henry he takes his shirt and
wipes my germs off. "Hoof -and -mouth disease," he says. For
some reason this cracks me up, a nd so we're really laughing
for a while, and then we drink all the rest of the beers one by
one and throw them in the river and see how far, how fast,
the current takes them before they fill up and sink.
"You want to go on back?" I ask after a while. "Mayb e we
could snag a couple nice Kashpaw girls."
He says nothing. But I can tell his mood is turning again.
"They're all crazy, the girls up here, every damn one of
them."
"You're crazy too," I say, to jolly him up. "Crazy Lamar tine
boys!" 114 GROW ING UP ETHNIC IN AMERICA
He looks as though he will take this wrong at first. His
face twists, then clears, and he jumps up on his feet. "That's
right!" he says. "Crazier 'n hell. Crazy Indians!"
I think it's the old Henry again. He throws off his jacket
and starts springing his legs up from the knees like a fancy
dancer. He's down doing something between a grass dance
and a bunny hop, no kind of dance I ever saw before, but nei -
ther has anyone else on all this green growing earth. He's
wild. He wants to pi tch whoopee! He's up and at me and all
over. All this time I'm laughing so hard, so hard my belly is
getting tied up in a knot.
"Got to cool me off!" he shouts all of a sudden. Then he
runs over to the river and jumps in.
There's boards and other things in the current. It's so high.
No sound comes from the river after the splash he makes, so
I run right over. I look around. It's getting dark. I see he's
halfway across the water already, and I know he didn't swim
there but the current took him. It's far. I h ear his voice,
though, very clearly across it.
"My boots are filling," he says.
He says this in a normal voice, like he just noticed and he
doesn't know what to think of it. Then he's gone. A branch
comes by. Another branch. And I go in.
By the time I get out of the river, off the snag I pulled myself
onto, the sun is down. I walk back to the car, turn on the high
beams, and drive it up the bank. I put it in first gear and then
I take my foot off the clutch. I get out, close the door, and
watch it plow soft ly into the water. The headlights reach in as
they go down, searching, still lighted even after the water
swirls over the back end. I wait. The wires short out. It is all
finally dark. And then there is only the water, the sound of it
going and running and going and running and running.