In part 5 chapter 4 of Crime and Punishment, on the way to Sonya's, Raskolnikov still debates confessing to her, but he knows he must. He asks her if she would choose a bad man like Luzhin to die, if it would save her family. Sonya says, says it is an impossible question, and she doesn't know God's plan for Luzhin. She asks, who has made me a judge to decide who is to live and who is not to live? Raskolnikov admits this question is really about himself, and he's looking for forgiveness.
He feels a flash of hate for her, but when he sees the love in her eyes, he realizes he is in fact confusing the two feelings. Raskolnikov reveals details only he could know about his crime, asking Sonia to guess who the murderer is again and again until she realizes the truth. He sees Lizaveta's and Sonia's faces transposed. Sonia cries out, there is no one, no one in the whole world now so unhappy as you. She She embraces him and asks him what he has done to himself.
He softens, asking her not to leave him. Sonya vows to follow Raskolnikov to Siberia, presuming he will confess. He implies that he's not sure he will.
She asks why he did it. At first Raskolnikov says he did it for the money, but he changes his course and says he could have supported himself but refused out of spite. He explains his exceptional man theory, admitting that he killed for himself alone. rather than for his family or the greater good of society.
He explains, I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man, whether I can step over barriers or not. His failure shames him. Yet again, Raskolnikov stops short of admitting full responsibility. I murdered myself, not her.
But it was the devil that killed that old woman, not I. Sonya urges Raskolnikov to bow down and kiss the ground to show show remorse, then go confess his crime to the police. She alludes to the story of Lazarus.
If Raskolnikov confesses, God will send you life again. Raskolnikov thinks he can live with his crime, but Sonia knows it will overwhelm him. He reverts to wanting to hide his crime, arguing that the police lack the evidence to catch him. He is unnerved by the intensity of Sonia's love and thinks he actually feels worse.
Sonia offers him her cross to wear, but he says he will take it later. when he goes, as Sonya says, to meet his suffering.