Transcript for:
Exploring Elie Wiesel's "Night" and Its Themes

Night by Ellie vissel they called him moisha the beetle as if his entire life he had never had a surname he was the Jack of all trades in a Hasidic House of Prayer the stable the Jews of seget the little town in Transylvania where I spent my childhood were fond of him he was poor and lived in utter penury as a rule our townspeople while they did help the needy did not particularly like them moisture the beetle was the exception he stayed out of people's way his presence bothered no one he had mastered the art of rendering himself insignificant invisible physically he was as awkward as a clown his wave-like shyness made people smile as for me I liked his wide dreamy eyes gazing off into the distance he spoke little he sang or rather he chanted and the few snatches I caught here and there spoke of divine suffering of the Shekinah in Exile where according to Kabbalah it awaits its Redemption links to that of man I met him in 1941. I was almost 13 and deeply observant by day I studied talmud and by night I would run to the synagogue to weep over the destruction of the Temple one day I asked my father to find me a master who could guide me in my studies of Kabbalah you are too young for that maimonides tells us that one must be 30 before venturing into the world of mysticism a world fraught with peril first you must study the basic subjects those you are able to comprehend my father was a cultured man rather unsentimental he rarely displayed his feelings not even within his family and was more involved with the welfare of others than with that of his own kin the Jewish community of seget held him in highest esteem his advice on public and even private matters was frequently sought there were four of us children Hilda the eldest then Baya I was the third and the only son sippora was the youngest my parents ran a store Hilda and Baya helped with the work as for me my place was in the house of study or so they said there are no cabalists in seget my father would often tell me he wanted to drive the idea of studying Kabbalah from my mind in vain I succeeded on my own in finding a master for myself in the person of moisha the beetle he had watched me one day as I prayed at dusk why do you cry when you pray he asked as though he knew me well I don't know I answered troubled I had never asked myself that question I cried because because something inside me felt the need to cry that was all I knew why do you pray he asked after a moment why did I pray strange question why did I live why did I breathe I don't know I told him even more troubled and Ill at ease I don't know and from that day on I saw him often he explained to me with great emphasis that every question possessed a power that was lost in the answer man comes closer to God through the questions he asks him he'd like to say therein lies true dialogue man asks and God replies but we don't understand his replies we cannot understand them because they dwell in the depths of our souls and remain there until we die the real answers Elisa you will find only within yourself and why do you pray moisha I asked him I pray to the God within me for the strength to ask him the real questions we spoke that way almost every evening remaining in the synagogue long after all the faithful had gone sitting in the semi-darkness where only a few half-burnt candles provided a flickering light one evening I told him how unhappy I was not to be able to find and seget a master to teach me the Zohar The kabbalistic Works the secrets of Jewish mysticism he smiled indulgently after a long silence he said there are a thousand and one Gates allowing entry into the orchard of mystical truth every human being has his own gate he must not air and wish to enter the orchard through a gate other than his own that would present a danger not only for the one entering but also for those who are already inside and moisture the beetle the poorest of the poor of seget spoke to me for hours on end about the kabbalah's revelations and its Mysteries and thus began my initiation together we would read over and over again the same page of the Zohar not to learn it by heart but to discover within the very essence of divinity and in the course of those evenings I became convinced that moisture the beetle would help me enter eternity into that time when question and answer would become one and then one day All Foreign Jews were expelled from seget and moisture the beetle was a foreigner crammed into cattle cars by the Hungarian police they cried silently standing on the station platform we too were crying the train disappeared over the horizon all that was left was thick dirty smoke behind me someone said sighing what do you expect that's War the deportees were quickly forgotten a few days after they left it was rumored that they were in Galicia working and even that they were content with their fate days went by then weeks and months life was normal again a calm reassuring wind blew through our homes the shopkeepers were doing good business the students lived among their books and the children played in the streets one day as I was about to enter the synagogue I saw moisture the beetle sitting on a bench near the entrance he told me what had happened to him and his companions the train with the deportees had crossed the Hungarian border and once in Polish territory had been taken over by the Gestapo the train had stopped the Jews were ordered to get off and on to waiting trucks the trucks headed toward a forest there everybody was ordered to get out they were forced to dig huge trenches when they had finished their work the men from the Gestapo began theirs without passion or haste they shot their prisoners who were forced to approach the trench one by one and offer their necks infants were tossed into the air and used as targets for the machine guns this took place in the Gleason Forest near colony how had he moisture the beetle been able to escape by a miracle he was wounded in the leg and left for dead day after day night after night he went from one Jewish house to the next telling his story and that of malka the young girl who laid dying for three days and that of Toby the tailor who begged to die before his sons were killed Moshe was not the same the joy in his eyes was gone he no longer sang he no longer mentioned either God or Kabbalah he spoke only of what he had seen but people not only refused to believe his tales they refused to listen some even insinuated that he only wanted their pity that he was imagining things others flatly said that he had gone mad as for moisha he wept and pleaded Jews listen to me that's all I ask of you no money no pity just listen to me he kept shouting in synagogue between the prayer at dusk and the evening prayer even I did not believe him I often sat with him after Services listened to his tales trying to understand his grief but all I felt was pity they think I'm mad he whispered and Tears like drops of wax flowed from his eyes once I asked him the question why do you want people to believe you so much in your place I would not care whether they believe me or not he closed his eyes as if to escape time you don't understand he said in despair you cannot understand I was saved miraculously I succeeded in coming back where did I get my strength I wanted to return to Saget to describe to you my death so that you might ready yourselves while there's still time life I no longer care to live I am alone but I wanted to come back to warn you only no one's listening to me this was toward the end of 1942. thereafter life seems normal once again London radio which we listened to every evening announced encouraging news the daily bombings of Germany and Stalingrad the preparation of the second front and so we the Jews of seget waited for better days that surely were soon to come I continue to devote myself to my studies talmud during the day in Kabbalah at night my father took care of his business and the community my grandfather came to spend rosh hazana with us as to attend the services of the celebrated Reb abortion my mother was beginning to think it was high time to find an appropriate match for Hilda thus past the year 1943 spring 1944. Splendid news from the Russian front there could no longer be any doubt Germany would be defeated it was only a matter of time months or weeks perhaps the trees were in bloom it was a year like so many others with its spring its engagements its weddings and its births the people were saying the Red Army is advancing with giant strides Hitler will not be able to harm us even if he wants to yes we even doubted his resolve to exterminate us annihilate an entire people wipe out a population dispersed throughout So Many Nations so many millions of people by what means in the middle of the 20th century and thus my elders concerned themselves with all manner of things strategy diplomacy politics and Zionism but not with their own fate even moisture the beetle had fallen silent he was weary of talking he would drift through synagogue or through the streets hunched over eyes cast down avoiding people's gaze in those days it was still possible to buy immigration certificates to Palestine I had asked my father to sell everything to liquidate everything and to leave I'm too old my son he answered too old to start a new life too old to start from scratch in some distant land Budapest radio announced that the fascist party had seized power the Regent miklos horvy was forced to ask a leader of the pro-nazi nilis party to form a new government yet we still were not worried of course we had heard of the fascists but it was all in the abstract it meant nothing more to us than a change of ministry the next day brought really disquieting news German troops had penetrated Hungarian territory with the government's approval finally people began to worry in earnest one of my friends moisha kayam Berkowitz returned from the capital for Passover and told us the Jews of Budapest live in an atmosphere of fear and Terror anti-semitic acts take place every day in the streets on the trains the fascists attack Jewish stores synagogues the situation is becoming very serious the new spread through Saget like wildfire soon that was all people talked about but not for long optimism soon revived the Germans will not come this far they will stay in Budapest for strategic reasons for political reasons in less than three days German army vehicles made their appearance on our streets anguish German soldiers with their steel helmets and their death's head emblem still our first impressions of the Germans were rather reassuring the officers were bulleted in private homes even in Jewish homes their attitude toward their hosts was distant but polite they never demanded The Impossible made no offensive remarks and sometimes even smiled at the lady of the house a German officer lodged in the Khan's house across the street from us we were told he was a Charming Man calm likable and polite three days after he moved in he brought Mrs Khan a box of chocolates the optimists were jubilant well what did we tell you you wouldn't believe us there they are you're Germans what do you say now where is their famous cruelty the Germans were already in our town the fascists were already in power the verdict was already out and the Jews of seget were still smiling the eight days of Passover the weather was Sublime my mother was busy in the kitchen the synagogues were no longer open the people gathered in private homes no need to provoke the Germans almost every rabbi's home became a House of Prayer we drank we ate we sang the Bible commands us to Rejoice during the eight days of Celebration but our hearts were not in it we wish the holiday would end so as not to have to pretend on the seventh day of Passover the curtain finally Rose the Germans arrested the leaders of the Jewish community from that moment on everything had happened very quickly the race toward death had begun first edict Jews were prohibited from leaving their residences for three days under penalty of death moisha the beetle came running to our house I warned you he shouted and left without waiting for a response the same day the Hungarian police burst into every Jewish Home in town a Jew was henceforth forbidden to own gold jewelry or any valuables everything had to be handed over to the authorities under penalty of death my father went down to The Cellar and buried our savings as for my mother she went on tending to the many chores in the house sometimes she would stop and gaze at us in silence three days later a new decree every Jew had to wear the yellow star some prominent members of the community came to consult with my father who had connections at the upper levels of the Hungarian police they wanted to know what he thought of the situation my father's view was that it was not all Bleak or perhaps he just did not want to discourage the others to throw salt on their wounds the yellow star so what it's not lethal poor father of what then did you die but new edicts were already being issued we no longer had the right to frequent restaurants or cafes to travel by rail to attend synagogue to be on the streets after six o'clock in the evening then came the ghettos two ghettos were created in seget a large one in the center of town occupied four streets and another smaller one extended over several Alleyways on the outskirts of town the street we lived on serpent Street was in the first ghetto we therefore could remain in our house but as it occupied a corner the windows facing the street outside the ghetto had to be sealed we gave some of our rooms to relatives who had been driven out of their homes little by little life returned to normal the barbed wire that encircled us like a wall did not fill us with real fear in fact we felt this was not a bad thing we were entirely among ourselves a small Jewish Republic a Jewish Council was appointed as well as a Jewish police force a welfare agency a labor committee a health agency a whole governmental apparatus people thought this was a good thing we would no longer have to look at all those hostile faces endure those hate-filled stares no more fear no more anguish we would live among Jews among Brothers of course there still were unpleasant moments every day the Germans came looking for men to load coal into the military trains volunteers for this kind of work were few but apart from that the atmosphere was oddly peaceful and reassuring most people thought that we would remain in the ghetto until the end of the war until the arrival of the Red Army afterward everything would be as before the ghetto was ruled by neither German nor Jew it was ruled by delusion some two weeks before Shavuot a sunny spring day people strolled seemingly Carefree through the crowded streets they exchanged cheerful greetings children played games rolling hazelnuts on the sidewalks some schoolmates and I were in Ezra Malik's Garden studying A talmatic Treatise night fell some 20 people had gathered in our Courtyard my father was sharing some anecdotes and holding forth on his opinion of the situation he was a good storyteller suddenly the gate opened and Stern a former shopkeeper who was now a policeman entered and took my father aside despite the growing Darkness I could see my father turn pale what's wrong we asked I don't know I've been summoned to a special meeting of the council something must have happened the story he had interrupted would remain unfinished I'm going right now he said I'll return as soon as possible I'll tell you everything wait for me we were ready to wait as long as necessary the courtyard turned into something like an anti-chamber to an operating room we stood waiting for the door to open neighbors hearing the rumors had joined us we stared at our watches time had slowed down what was the meaning of such a long session I have a bad feeling said my mother this afternoon I saw new faces in the ghetto two German officers I believe they were gestapo since we've been here we have not seen a single officer it was close to midnight nobody felt like going to sleep though some people briefly went to check on their homes others left but asked to be called as soon as my father returned at last the door opened and he appeared his face was drained of color he was quickly surrounded tell us tell us what's happening say something at that moment we were so anxious to hear something encouraging a few words telling us that there was nothing to worry about that the meeting had been routine just a review of welfare and health problems but one glance at my father's face left no doubt the news is terrible he said at last and then one word transports the ghetto was to be liquidated entirely departures were to take place Street by Street starting the next day we wanted to know everything every detail we were stunned yet we wanted to fully absorb the bitter news where will they take us that was a secret a secret for all except one the president of the Jewish Council but he would not tell or could not tell the Gestapo had threatened to shoot him if he talked there are rumors my father said his voice breaking that we are being taken somewhere in Hungary to work in the brick factories it seems that here we're too close to the front after a moment's silence he added each of us will be allowed to bring his personal belongings a backpack some food a few items of clothing nothing else again heavy silence go and wake the neighbor said my father they must get ready the Shadows around me Rouse themselves as if from a deep sleep and left silently in every direction for a moment we remained alone suddenly Bhatia Reich a relative who lived with us entered the room someone is knocking at the sealed window the one that faces outside it was only after the war that I found out who had knocked that night it was an inspector of the Hungarian police a friend of my father's before we entered the ghetto he had told us don't worry I'll warn you if there's danger had he been able to speak to us that night we might still have been able to flee but by the time we succeeded in opening the window it was too late there was nobody outside the ghetto was awake one after the other the lights were going on behind the windows I went into the house of one of my father's friends I woke the head of the household a man with a gray beard and the Gaze of a dreamer his back was hunched over from Untold nights spent studying get up Sir get up you must ready yourself for the journey tomorrow you'll be expelled you and your family you and all the other Jews where to please don't ask me sir don't ask questions God Alone could answer You For Heaven's Sake get up he had no idea what I was talking about he probably thought I had lost my mind what are you saying get ready for the journey what Journey why what's happening have you gone mad half asleep he was staring at me his eyes filled with Terror as though he expected me to burst out laughing and tell him to go back to bed to sleep to dream that nothing had happened it was all in jest my throat was dry and the words were choking me paralyzing my lips there was nothing else to say at last he understood he got out of bed and began to dress automatically then he went over to the bed where his wife lay sleeping and with infinite tenderness touched her forehead she opened her eyes and it seemed to me that a smile crossed her lips then he went to wake his two children they woke with a start torn from their dreams I fled time went by quickly it was already four o'clock in the morning my father was running right and left exhausted consoling friends checking with the Jewish Council just in case the order had been rescinded to the last moment people clung to Hope the women were boiling eggs roasting meat to Preparing cakes sewing backpacks the children were wandering about aimlessly not knowing what to do with themselves to stay out of the way of the grown-ups our backyard looked like a Marketplace valuable objects precious rugs silver candlesticks Bibles and other ritual objects were strewn over the dusty grounds pitiful relics that seems never to have had a home all this under a magnificent Blue Sky by eight o'clock in the morning weariness had settled into our veins our limbs our brains like molten lead I was in the midst of prayer when suddenly there was shouting in the streets I quickly Unwound my phylacteries and ran through the window Hungarian police had entered the ghetto and were yelling in the street nearby all Jews outside hurry they were followed by Jewish police who their voice is breaking told us the time has come you must leave all this the Hungarian police used their rifle butts their clubs to indiscriminately strike old men and women children and cripples one by one the house is emptied and the streets filled with people carrying bundles by 10 o'clock everyone was outside the police were taking roll calls once twice 20 times the heat was oppressive sweat stream from people's faces and bodies children were crying for water water there was water close by inside the houses the backyards but it was forbidden to break rank water mother I'm thirsty some of the Jewish police surreptitiously went to fill a few jugs my sisters and I were still allowed to move about as we were destined for the last Convoy and so we helped as best as we could at last at one o'clock in the afternoon came the signal to leave there was Joy yes Joy people must have thought there could be no greater torment in God's hell than that of being stranded here on the sidewalk among the bundles in the middle of the street under a blazing sun anything seemed preferable to that they began to walk without another glance at the abandoned streets the dead empty houses the gardens the tombstones on everyone's back there was a sack in everyone's eyes tears and distress slowly heavily the procession Advanced toward the Gate of the ghetto and there I was on the sidewalk watching them file past unable to move here came the chief Rabbi hunched over his face strange looking without a beard a bundle on his back his very presence in the procession was enough to make the scene seem surreal it was like a page torn from a book a historical novel perhaps dealing with the Captivity in Babylon or the Spanish Inquisition they passed me by one after the other my teachers my friends the others some of whom I had once feared some of whom I had found ridiculous all those whose lives I had shared for years there they went defeated their bundles their lives in tow having left behind their homes their childhood they passed me by like beaten dogs with never a glance in my direction they must have envied me the procession disappeared around the corner a few steps more and they were Beyond The Ghetto Walls the street resembled Fairgrounds deserted in haste there was a little of everything suitcases briefcases bags knives dishes banknotes papers faded portraits all the things one planned to take along and finally left behind they had ceased to matter open rooms everywhere gaping doors and windows looked out into the void it all belonged to everyone since no longer belongs to anyone he was there for the taking an open Tomb a summer sun we had spent the day without food but we were not really hungry we were exhausted my father had accompanied the deportees as far as the ghetto's gate they first had been herded through the main synagogue where they were thoroughly searched to make sure they were not carrying away gold silver or any other valuables there had been incidents of Hysteria and harsh blows when will it be our turn I asked my father the day after tomorrow unless things work out a miracle perhaps where were the people being taken did anyone know yet no the secret was well kept night had fallen that evening we went to bed early my father said sleep peacefully children nothing will happen until the day after tomorrow Tuesday Monday went by like a small summer cloud like a dream in the first hours of dawn intent on preparing our backpacks on baking Breads and cakes we no longer thought about anything the verdict had been delivered that evening our mother made us go to bed early to conserve our strength she said it was to be the last night spent in our house I was up at dawn I wanted to have time to pray before leaving my father had risen before all of us to seek information in town he returned around eight o'clock good news we were not leaving town today we were only moving to the small ghetto that is where we were to wait for the last transport we would be the last to leave at nine o'clock the previous Sunday scenes were repeated policemen wheeled in clubs were shouting all Jews outside we were ready I went out first I did not want to look at my parents faces I did not want to break into tears we remained sitting in the middle of the street like the others two days earlier the same hellish Sun the same thirst only there was no one left to bring us water I looked at my house in which I had spent years seeking my God fasting to hasten the coming of the Messiah imagining what my life would be like later yet I felt little sadness my mind was empty get up roll call we stood we were counted we sat down we got up again over and over we waited impatiently to be taken away what were they waiting for finally the order came forward March my father was crying it was the first time I saw him cry I had never thought it possible as for my mother she was walking her face a mask without a word deep in thought I looked at my little sister Sephora her blonde hair neatly combed her red coat over her arm a little girl of seven on her back a bag too heavy for her she was clenching her teeth she already knew it was useless to complain here and there the police were lashing out with their clubs faster I had no strength left the journey had just begun and I already felt so weak faster faster move you lazy good for nothings the Hungarian police were screaming that was when I began to hate them and my hatred remains our only link today they were our first oppressors they were the first faces of hell and death they ordered us to run we began to run who would have thought that we were so strong from behind their windows from behind their shutters our fellow citizens watched as we passed we finally arrived at our destination throwing down our bundles we dropped to the ground oh God Master of the Universe in your infinite compassion have mercy on us the small ghetto only three days ago people were living here people who owned the things we were using now they had been expelled and we had already forgotten all about them the chaos was even greater here than in a large ghetto its inhabitants evidently had been caught by surprise I visited the rooms that had been occupied by my uncle Mendel's family on the table a half-finished bowl of soup a platter of dough waiting to be baked everywhere on the floor there were books had my uncle meant to take them along we settled in what a word I went looking for wood my sisters lit a fire despite her fatigue my mother began to prepare a meal we cannot give up we cannot give up she kept repeating people's morale was not so bad we were beginning to get used to the situation there were those who even voiced optimism the Germans were running out of time to expel us they argued tragically for those who had already been deported it would be too late as for us chances were that we would be allowed to go on with our miserable Little Lives until the end of the war the ghetto was not guarded one could enter and leave as one pleased Maria our former maid came to see us sobbing she begged us to come with her to her village where she had prepared a safe shelter my father wouldn't hear of it he told me and my big sisters if you wish go there I shall stay here with your mother and the little one naturally we refuse to be separated night no one was praying for the night to pass quickly the stars were but Sparks of the immense conflagration that was consuming us were this conflagration to be extinguished one day nothing would be left in the sky but extinct stars and unseen eyes there was nothing else to do but go to bed in the beds of those who had moved on we needed to rest to gather our strength at Daybreak the Gloom had lifted the mood was more confident there were those who said who knows they may be sending us away for our own good the front is getting closer we shall soon hear the guns and then surely the civilian population will be evacuated they worry lest we join the partisans as far as I'm concerned this whole business of deportation is nothing but a big farce don't laugh they just want to steal our valuables and jewelry they know that it's all been buried and that they'll have to dig to find it so much easier to do when the owners are on vacation on vacation this kind of talk that nobody believed helped pass the time the few days we spent here went by pleasantly enough in relative calm people rather got along there no longer was any distinction between rich and poor notables and the others we were all people condemned to the same fate still unknown Saturday the day of rest was the day chosen for our expulsion the night before we had sat down to the traditional Friday night meal we had said the customary blessings over the bread and the wine and swallowed the food in silence we sensed that we were gathered around the familial table for the last time I spent that night going over memories and ideas and was unable to fall asleep at dawn we were in the street ready to leave this time there were no Hungarian police it had been agreed that the Jewish Council would handle everything by itself our Convoy headed toward the main synagogue the town seemed deserted but behind the shutters our friends of yesterday were probably waiting for the moment when they could loot our homes the synagogue resembled a large Railroad Station baggage and tears the altar was shattered the wall covering shredded the walls themselves bare there were so many of us we could hardly breathe the 24 hours we spent there were horrendous the men were downstairs the women upstairs it was Saturday the Sabbath and it was as though we were there to attend services forbidden to go outside people relieved themselves in a corner the next morning we walked toward the station where a convoy of cattle cars was waiting the Hungarian police made us climb into the cars 80 persons in each one they handed us some bread a few pails of water they checked the bars on the windows to make sure they would not come loose the cars were sealed one person was placed in charge of every car if someone managed to escape that person would be shot two gestapo officers strolled down the length of the platform they were all smiles all things considered it had gone very smoothly a prolonged whistle pierced the air the wheels began to grind and we were on our way lying down was not an option nor could we all sit down we decided to take turns sitting there was little air the lucky ones found themselves near a window they could watch the blooming Countryside flit by after two days of travel thirst became intolerable as did the Heat freed of normal constraints some of the young let go of their inhibitions and under cover of Darkness caress one another without any thought of others alone in the world the others pretended not to notice there are still some food left but we never ate enough to satisfy our hunger our principle was to economize to save for tomorrow could be worse yet the train stopped in kashau a small town on the Czechoslovakian border we realized then that we were not staying in Hungary our eyes opened too late the door of the car slid aside a German officer stepped in accompanied by a Hungarian Lieutenant acting as his interpreter From This Moment On You are under the authority of the German army anyone who still owns gold silver or watches must hand them over now anyone who will be found to have kept any of these will be shot on the spot secondly anyone who is ill should report to the hospital car that's all the Hungarian Lieutenant went around with a basket and retrieved the last possessions from those who chose not to go on tasting the bitterness of fear there are 80 of you in the car the German officer added if anyone goes missing you will all be shot like dogs the two disappeared the doors clanked shut we had fallen into the Trap up to our necks the doors were nailed the way back irrevocably cut off the world had become a hermetically sealed cattle car there was a woman Among Us a certain Mrs schachter she was in her 50s and her ten-year-old son was with her crouched in a corner her husband and two older Sons had been deported with the first transport by mistake the separation had totally shattered her I knew her well a quiet tense woman with piercing eyes she had been a frequent guest in our house her husband was a Pious man who spent most of his days and nights in the house of study it was she who supported the family Mrs schachter had lost her mind on the first day of the journey she had already begun to moan she kept asking why she had been separated from her family later her sobs and screams became hysterical on the third night as we were sleeping some of us sitting huddled against each other some of us standing a piercing cry broke the silence fire I see a fire I see a fire there was a moment of panic who had screamed it was Mrs schachter standing in the middle of the car in the faint light filtering Through the Windows she looked like a withered Tree in a field of wheat she was howling pointing through the window look look at this fire this terrible Fire have mercy on me some pressed against the bars to see there was nothing only the darkness of night it took us a long time to recover from this harsh Awakening we were still trembling and with every Screech of the wheels we felt the abyss opening beneath us unable to still our anguish we try to reassure each other she is mad poor woman someone had placed a damp rag on her forehead but she nevertheless continued to scream fire I see a fire her little boy was crying clinging to her skirt trying to hold her hand it's nothing mother there's nothing there please sit down he pained me even more than did his mother's cries some of the women tried to calm her you'll see you'll find your husband and Sons again in a few days she continued to scream and SOB fitfully shoes listen to me she cried I see a fire I see Flames huge flames it was as though she were possessed by some evil spirit we tried to reason with her more to calm ourselves to catch our breath than to soothe her she is hallucinating because she's thirsty poor woman that's why she speaks of flames devouring her but it was all in vain our Terror could no longer be contained our nerves had reached a Breaking Point our very skin was aching it was as though Madness had infected all of us we gave up a few young men forced her to sit down then bound and gagged her and silence fell again the small boy sat next to his mother crying I started to breathe normally again as I listened to the rhythmic pounding of The Wheels On The Tracks as the train raced through the night we could begin to doze again to rest to dream and so an hour or two past another scream jolted us the woman had broken free of her bonds and was shouting louder than before look at the fire look at the Flames Flames everywhere once again the young men bound and gagged her when they actually struck her people shouted their approval keep her quiet make that mad woman shut up she's not the only one here she received several blows to the Head blows that could have been lethal her son was clinging desperately to her not uttering a word he was no longer crying the night seemed endless and by Daybreak Mrs schachter had settled down crouching in her Corner her blank gaze fixed on some Far Away place she no longer saw us she remained like that all day mute absent alone in the midst of us toward evening she began to shout again the fire over there she was pointing somewhere in the distance always the same place no one felt like beating her anymore the heat The Thirst the stench the lack of air were suffocating us yet all that was nothing compared to her screams which tore us apart a few more days and all of us would have started to scream but we were pulling into a station someone near a window read to us Auschwitz nobody had ever heard that name the train did not move again the afternoon went by slowly the doors of the wagon slid open two men were given permission to fetch water when they came back they told us what they had learned in exchange for a gold watch that this was the final destination we were to leave the train here there was a labor camp on the site the conditions were good families would not be separated Only the Young would work in the factories the old and the sick would find work in the field confidence soared suddenly we felt free of the previous night's Terror we gave thanks to God Mrs schachter remained huddled in her Corner mute Untouched by the optimism around her her little one was stroking her hand dusk began to fill the wagon we ate what was left of our food at 10 o'clock in the evening we were all trying to find a position for a quick nap and soon we were dozing suddenly look at the fire look at the Flames over there with a start we awoke and rushed to the window yet again we had believed her if only for an instant but there was nothing outside but Darkness we returned to our places shame in our souls but fear gnawing at us nevertheless as she went on howling she was struck again only with great difficulty did we succeed in quieting her down the man in charge of our wagon called out to a German officer strolling down the platform asking him to have the sick woman move to a hospital car patience the German replied patience shall be taken there soon around seven o'clock the train began to move again he pressed against the windows the Convoy was rolling slowly a quarter of an hour later it began to slow down even more Through the Windows we saw barbed wire we understood that this was the camp we had forgotten this is schachter's existence suddenly there was a terrible scream Jews look look at the fire look at the flames and as the train stopped this time we saw Flames Rising from a tall chimney into a black sky Mrs schachter had fallen silent on her own mute again indifferent absent she had returned to her corner we stared at the flames in the Darkness a wretched stench floated in the air abruptly our doors opened strange looking creatures dressed in striped jackets and black pants jumped into the wagon holding flashlights and sticks they began to strike at us left and right shouting everybody out leave everything inside hurry up we jumped out I glanced at Mrs schachter her little boy was still holding her hand front of us those flames air smell of burning flesh it must have been around midnight we had arrived in birkenau the Beloved objects that we had carried with us from place to place were now left behind in the wagon and with them finally our illusions every few yards there stood an SS man his machine gun trained on us hand in hand we followed the throng an SS came toward us wielding a club he commanded men to the left women to the right eight words spoken quietly indifferently without emotion eight simple short words yet that was the moment when I left my mother there was no time to think and I already felt my father's hand press against mine we were alone in a fraction of a second I could see my mother my sisters moved to the right Sephora was holding mother's hand I saw them walking farther and farther away mother was stroking my sister's blonde hair as if to protect her and I walked on with my father with the men I didn't know that this was the moment in time in the place where I was leaving my mother and sabora forever I kept walking my father holding my hand behind me an old man fell to the ground nearby an SS man replaced his revolver in its holster my hand tightened its grip on my father all I could think of was not to lose him not to remain alone the SS officers gave the order form ranks of fives there was a tumult it was imperative to stay together Hey kid how old are you the man interrogating me was an inmate I could not see his face but his voice was weary and warm 15. no you're 18. but I'm not I said I'm 15. fool listen to what I say then he asked my father who answered I'm 50. no the man now sounded angry not 50 you're 40. do you hear 18 and 40. he disappeared into the darkness another inmate appeared unleashing a stream of invectives sons of why have you come here tell me why someone dared to reply what do you think that we came here of our own free will that we asked to come here the other seemed ready to kill him shut up you or I'll tear you to pieces you should have hanged yourselves rather than come here didn't you know what was in store for you here in Auschwitz you didn't know in 1944 true we didn't know nobody had told us he couldn't believe his ears his tone became even harsher over there you see the chimney over there do you see it and the Flames do you see them yes we saw the flames over there that's where they will take you over there will be your grave you still don't understand you sons of don't you understand anything you'll be burned burned into a cinder turn into ashes his anger changed into Fury we stood stunned petrified could this just be a nightmare an unimaginable nightmare I heard Whispers around me we must do something we can't let them kill us like that like cattle in the slaughterhouse we must revolt there were among us a few tough young men they actually had knives and were urging us to attack the armed guards one of them was muttering let the world learn about the existence of Auschwitz let everybody find out about it while they still have a chance to escape but the older men begged their sons not to be foolish we mustn't give up hope even now as the sword hangs over our heads so taught our Sages the wind of Revolt died down we continue to walk until we came to a Crossroads standing in the middle of it was though I didn't know it then Dr Mengele the notorious Dr Mengele he looked like the typical SS officer a cruel though not unintelligent face complete with monocle he was holding a conductor's baton and was surrounded by officers the Baton was moving constantly sometimes to the right sometimes to the left in no time I stood before him your age he asked perhaps trying to sound paternal I'm 18. my voice was trembling in good health yes your profession tell him that I was a student farmer I heard myself saying this conversation lasted no more than a few seconds it seemed like an eternity the Baton pointed to the left I took half a step forward I first wanted to see where they would send my father were he to have gone to the right I would have run after him the Baton once more moved to the left a weight lifted from my heart we did not know as yet which was the better side right or left which road led to prison and which to the crematoria still I was happy I was near my father our procession continued slowly to move forward another inmate came over to us satisfied yes someone answered poor Devils you're heading for the crematorium he seemed to be telling the truth not far from us Flames huge Flames were rising from a ditch something was being burned there a truck Drew close and unloaded its hold small children babies yes I did see this with my own eyes children thrown into the flames is it any wonder that ever since then sleep tends to elude me so that was where we were going a little farther on there was another larger pit for adults I pinched myself was I alive was I awake how was it possible that men women and children were being burned and that the world kept silent no all this could not be real a nightmare perhaps soon I would wake up with a start my heart pounding and find that I was back in the room of my childhood with my books my father's voice tore me from my Daydreams what a shame a shame that you do not go with your mother I saw many children your age go with their mothers his voice was terribly sad I understood that he did not wish to see what they would do to me he did not wish to see his only son go up in flames my forehead was covered with cold sweat still I told him that I could not believe that human beings were being burned in our times the world would never tolerate such crimes the world the world's not interested in us today everything is possible even the crematoria his voice broke father I said if that's true then I don't want to wait I'll run into the electrified barbed wire that would be easier than a slow death in the flames he didn't answer he was weeping his body was shaking everybody around us was weeping someone began to recite kaddish the prayer for the Dead I don't know whether during the history of the Jewish people men have ever before recited kaddish for themselves [Music] may his name be celebrated and sanctified whispered my father for the first time I felt anger Rising Within Me why should I sanctify his name the almighty the Eternal and terrible Master of the Universe chose to be silent what was there to thank him for we continued our March we were coming closer and closer to the pit from which an infernal heat was Rising 20 more steps if I was going to kill myself this was the time our column had only some 15 Steps to go I bit my lip so that my father would not hear my teeth chattering ten more steps eight seven we were walking slowly as one follows a hearse our own funeral procession only four more steps three there it was now very close to us the pit and its flames I gathered all that remained of my strength in order to break Rank and throw myself onto the barbed wire deep down I was saying goodbye to my father to the whole universe and against my will I found myself Whispering the words may his name be exalted and sanctified my heart was about to burst there I was face to face with the angel of death no Two Steps From The Pit we were ordered to turn left and herded into barracks I squeezed my father's hand he said do you remember Mrs schachter in the train never shall I forget that night the first night in Camp that turned my life into one long night seven time sealed never shall I forget that smoke never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky never shall I forget those Flames that consumed my faith forever never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes never shall I forget those things even were I condemned to live as long as God himself never the Barrack we had been assigned to was very long on the roof of few bluish skylights I thought this is what the anti-chamber of Hell must look like so many crazed men so much shouting so much brutality dozens of inmates were there to receive us sticks in hand striking anywhere anyone without reason the orders came strip hurry up Rouse hold on only to your belt and your shoes our clothes were to be thrown on the floor at the back of the Barrack there was a pile there already new suits old ones torn overcoats Rags for us it meant true equality nakedness we trembled in the cold a few SS officers wandered through the room looking for strong men if Vigor was that appreciated perhaps one should try to appear sturdy my father thought the opposite better not to draw attention we later found out that he had been right those who were selected that day were incorporated into the Saunder Commando the Commando working in the crematoria Baylor Katz the son of an important Merchant of my town had arrived in birkenau with the first transport one week ahead of us when he found out that we were there he succeeded in slipping us a note he told us that having been chosen because of his strength he had been forced to place his own father's body into the furnace the blows continued to rain on us to the barber belt and shoes in hand I let myself be dragged along to The Barbers their Clippers tore out our hair shaved every hair on our bodies my head was buzzing the same thought surfacing over and over not to be separated from my father freed from the Barber's clutches we began to wander about the crowd finding friends acquaintances every encounter filled us with joy yes Joy thank God you are still alive some were crying they used whatever strength they had left to cry why had they let themselves be brought here why didn't they die in their beds their words were interspersed with sobs suddenly someone threw his arms around me in a hug you heal the sageta rebs brother he was weeping bitterly I thought he was crying with joy and still being alive don't cry you heal I said don't waste your tears not cry we're on the threshold of death soon we shall be inside do you understand inside how could I not cry I watched the darkness fade through the bluish skylights in the roof I no longer was afraid I was overcome by fatigue the absent no longer entered our thoughts one spoke of them who knows what happened to them but their fate was not on our minds we were incapable of thinking our senses were numbed everything was faded into a fog we no longer clung to anything the instincts of self-preservation of self-defense of Pride had all deserted us in one terrifying moment of Lucidity I thought of us as damned Souls wandering through the void Souls condemned to wander through space Until the End of Time seeking Redemption seeking Oblivion without any hope of finding either around five o'clock in the morning we were expelled from the Barrack the capos were beating us again but I no longer felt the pain a glacial wind was enveloping us we were naked holding our shoes and belts in order run and we ran after a few minutes of running a new Barrack a barrel of foul-smelling liquids stood by the door disinfection everybody soaked in it then came a hot shower all very fast as we left the showers we were chased outside in order to run some more another Barrack the storeroom very long tables mountains of prison Garb as we ran they threw the clothes at us pants jackets shirts in a few seconds we had cease to be men had the situation not been so tragic we might have laughed we looked pretty strange meerkats a Colossus wore a child's pants and Stern a skinny little fellow was floundering in a huge jacket we immediately started to switch I glanced over at my father how changed he looked his eyes were veiled I wanted to tell him something but I didn't know what the night had passed completely the morning Stars Shone in the sky I too had become a different person the student of talmud the child I was had been consumed by the Flames all that was left was a shape that resembled me my soul had been invaded and devoured by a black Flame so many events had taken place in just a few hours that I had completely lost all notion of time when had we left our homes in the ghetto and the train only a week ago one night one single night how long had we been standing in the freezing wind one hour a single hour 60 minutes surely it was a dream not far from us prisoners were at work some were digging holes others were carrying sand not as much as glanced at us we were withered trees in the heart of the desert behind me people were talking I had no desire to listen to what they were saying or to know who was speaking and what about nobody dared to raise his voice even though there was no guard around we whispered perhaps because of this thick smoke that poisoned the air and stung the throat we were herded into yet another Barrack inside the Gypsy camp we fell into ranks of five and now stop moving there was no floor a roof and four walls our feet sank into the mud again the waiting I fell asleep standing up I dreamed of a bed of my mother's hand on my face I woke I was standing my feet in the mud some people collapsed sliding into the mud others shouted are you crazy we were told to stand do you want to get us all in trouble as if all the troubles in the world were not already upon us little by little we all sat down in the mud but we had to get up whenever a capo came in to check if by chance somebody had a new pair of shoes if so we had to hand them over no use protesting the blows multiplied and in the end one still had to hand them over I had new shoes myself but as they were covered with a thick coat of mud they had not been noticed I thanked God in an improvised prayer for having created Mud In His Infinite and wondrous universe suddenly the silence became more oppressive an SS officer had come in and with him the smell of the Angel of Death we stared at his fleshy lips he harangued us from the center of the Barrack you are in a concentration camp in Auschwitz a pause he was observing the effects his words had produced his face remains in my memory to this day a tall man in his 30s crime written all over his forehead and his gaze he looked at us as one would a pack of leprous dogs clinging to life remember he went on remember it always let it be Graven in your memories you are in Auschwitz and Auschwitz is not a convalescent home it is a concentration camp here you must work if you don't you will go straight to the chimney to the crematorium work or crematorium the choice is yours we had already lived through a lot that night we thought that nothing could frighten us anymore but his harsh words sent shivers through us the word chimney here was not an abstraction floated in the air mingled with the smoke it was perhaps the only word that had a real meaning in this place he left the Barrack the capos arrived shouting all Specialists locksmiths Carpenters electricians watchmakers one step forward the rest of us were transferred to yet another Barrack this one of stone we had permission to sit down a gypsy inmate was in charge my father suddenly had a colic attack he got up and asked politely in German excuse me could you tell me where the toilets are located the gypsies stared at him for a long time from head to toe as if he wished to ascertain that the person addressing him was actually a creature of Flesh and Bone a human being with a body and a belly then as if waking from a deep sleep he slapped my father with such force that he fell down and then crawled back to his place on all fours I stood petrified what had happened to me my father had just been struck in front of me and I had not even blinked I watched and kept silent only yesterday I would have dug my nails into this criminal's flesh had I changed that much so fast remorse began to gnaw at me all I could think was I shall never forgive them for this my father must have guessed my thoughts because he whispered in my ear it doesn't hurt his cheeks still bore the red mark of the hand everybody outside a dozen or so gypsies had come to join our guard the clubs and whips were cracking around me my feet were running on their own I tried to protect myself from the Blows By hiding behind others it was spring the Sun was shining Fallen five by five the prisoners I had glimpsed that morning were working nearby no Garden sight only the chimney Shadow lulled by the sunshine in my dreams I felt someone pulling at my sleeve it was my father Come On Son we marched Gates opened and closed we continue to March between the barbed wire at every step white signs with black skulls looked down on us description warning danger of death what irony was there here a single place where one was not in danger of death the gypsies had stopped next to a Barrack they were replaced by SS men who encircled us with machine guns and police dogs the March had lasted half an hour looking around me I noticed that the barbed wire was behind us we had left the camp it was a beautiful day in May the fragrances of spring were in the air the sun was setting but no sooner had we taken a few more steps than we saw the barbed wire of another camp this one had an iron gate with the overhead inscription our bite mocked fry work makes you free Auschwitz first impression better than birkenau cement buildings with two stories rather than wooden Barracks little gardens here and there we were LED toward one of those blocks Seated on the ground by the entrance we began to wait again from time to time somebody was allowed to go in these were the showers a compulsory routine going from one Camp to the other several times a day we had each time to go through them after the hot shower we stood shivering in the darkness our clothes had been left behind we had been promised other clothes around midnight we were told to run faster yelled our guards the faster you run the faster you'll get to go to sleep after a few minutes of racing madly we came to a new block The Man In Charge was waiting he was a young Paul who was smiling at us he began to talk to us and despite our weariness we listened attentively comrades you are now in the concentration camp Auschwitz ahead of you lies a long road paved with suffering don't lose hope you have already eluded the worst Danger The Selection therefore muster your strength and keep your faith we shall all see the day of liberation have faith in life a thousand times Faith by driving out despair you will move away from death hell does not last forever and now here is a prayer or rather a piece of advice Let There Be camaraderie among you we are all brothers and share the same fate the same smoke hovers over all our heads help each other that is the only way to survive and now enough said you are tired listen you are in Block 17. I am responsible for keeping order here anyone with a complaint may come to see me that is all go to sleep two people to a bunk good night those were the first human words no sooner had we climbed into our bunks than we fell into deep sleep the next morning the veteran inmates treated us without brutality we went to wash we were given new clothing they brought us black coffee we left the block around 10 o'clock so it could be cleaned outside the sun warmed us our morale was much improved a good night's sleep had done its work friends met exchanged a few sentences we spoke of everything without ever mentioning those who had disappeared the prevailing opinion was that the war was about to end at about noon we were brought some soup one bowl of thick soup for each of us I was terribly hungry yet I refused to touch it I was still the spoiled child of long ago my father swallowed my ration we then had a short nap in the shade of the block that SS officer in the muddy Barrack must have been lying Auschwitz was after all a convalescent home in the afternoon they made us line up three prisoners brought a table in some medical instruments we were told to roll up our left sleeves and file past the table the three veteran prisoners needles in hand tattooed numbers on our left arms I became a7713 from then on I had no other name at dusk a roll call the work Commandos had returned the Orchestra played military marches near the camp entrance tens of thousands of inmates stood in rows while the SS checked their numbers after the roll call the prisoners from all the blocks dispersed looking for friends relatives or neighbors among the arrivals of the latest Convoy days went by in the mornings black coffee at midday soup by the third day I was eagerly eating any kind of soup at six o'clock in the afternoon roll call followed by bread with something at nine o'clock bedtime we had already been in Auschwitz for eight days it was after roll call but waiting for the Bell announcing its end suddenly I noticed someone passing between the rows I heard him ask who among you is visel from siget the person looking for us was a small fellow with spectacles in a wisened face my father answered that's me vissel from seget the fellow's eyes narrowed he took a long look at my father you don't know me you don't recognize me I'm your relative Stein already forgotten Stein Stein from Antwerp rizelle's husband your wife was Roselle's aunt she often wrote To Us in such letters my father had not recognized him he must have barely known him always being up to his neck in communion Affairs and not knowledgeable in Family Matters he was always elsewhere lost in thought once a cousin came to see us in seget she had stayed at our house had eaten at our table for two weeks before my father noticed her presence for the first time no he did not remember Stein I recognized him right away I had known Rozelle his wife before she had left for Belgium he told us that he had been deported in 1942. he said I heard people say that a transport had arrived from your region and I came to look for you I thought you might have some news of rizel and my two small boys who stayed in Antwerp I knew nothing about them since 1940 my mother had not received a single letter from them but I lied yes my mother did hear from them Rizal is fine so are the children he was weeping with joy he would have liked to stay longer to learn more details to soak up the good news but an SS was heading in our Direction and he had to go telling us that he would come back the next day the Bell announced that we were dismissed we went to fetch the evening meal bread and margarine I was terribly hungry and swallowed my ration on the spot my father told me you mustn't eat all at once tomorrow is another day but seeing that his advice had come too late and that there was nothing left of my ration he didn't even start his own me I'm not hungry he said we remained in Auschwitz for three weeks we had nothing to do we slept a lot in the afternoon and at night our one goal was to avoid the transports to stay here as long as possible it wasn't difficult it was enough never to sign up as a skilled worker the unskilled were kept until the end at the start of the third week our blockout test was removed he was judged too humane the new one was ferocious and his aides were veritable monsters the good days were over we began to wonder whether it wouldn't be better to let ourselves be chosen for the next transport Stein a relative from antorp continued to visit us and from time to time he would bring a half portion of bread here this is for you Elisa every time he came tears would roll down his icy cheeks he would often say to my father take care of your son he's very weak very dehydrated take care of yourselves you must avoid selection eat anything anytime eat all you can the weak don't last very long around here and he himself was so thin so withered so weak the only thing that keeps me alive he kept saying is to know that resell and the little ones are still alive or it not for them I would give up one evening he came to see us his face radiant a transport just arrived from Antwerp I shall go to see them tomorrow surely they will have news he left and we never saw him again he had been given the news the real news evenings As We Lay on our cots we sometimes try to sing a few Hasidic melodies akibo dremere would break our hearts with his deep grave voice some of the men spoke of God his mysterious ways the sins of the Jewish people and the Redemption to come as for me I had ceased to pray I concurred with job I was not denying his existence but I doubted his absolute Justice Akiba drummer said God is testing us he wants to see whether we are capable of overcoming our base instincts of killing the Satan within ourselves we have no right to Despair and if he punishes us mercilessly it is a sign that he loves us that much more well versed in Kabbalah spoke of the end of the world and the coming of the Messiah from time to time in the middle of all that talk a thought crossed my mind where is mother right now and Sephora mother is still a young woman my father once said she must be in a labor camp in Sephora she's a big girl now she too must be in a camp how we would have liked to believe that we pretended for what if one of us still did believe all the skilled workers had already been sent to other camps only about a hundred of us simple laborers were still left today it's your turn announce the block secretary you are leaving with the next transport at 10 o'clock we were handed our daily ration of bread a dozen or so SS surrounded us at the gate the sign proclaims that work meant freedom we were counted and there we were in the countryside on a sunny Road in the sky a few small white clouds we were walking slowly the guards were in no hurry we were glad of it as we were passing through some of the villages many Germans watched us showing no surprise no doubt they had seen quite a few of these processions on the way we saw some young German girls the guards began to tease them the girls giggled they allowed themselves to be kissed and tickled bursting with laughter they all were laughing joking and passing love notes to one another at least during all that time we endured neither shouting nor blows after four hours we arrived at the new camp Una the iron gate closed behind us the camp looked as though it had been through an epidemic empty and dead only a few well-dressed inmates were wandering between the blocks of course we first had to pass through the showers the head of the camp joined us there he was a stocky man with big shoulders the neck of a bull thick lips and curly hair he gave an impression of kindness from time to time a smile would linger in his gray blue eyes our Convoy included a few 10 and 12 year olds the officer took an interest in them and gave orders to bring them food we were given new clothing and settled into two tents we were to wait there until we could be incorporated into work Commandos then we would be assigned to a block in the evening the Commandos returned from the work yards roll call we began looking for people we knew asking the veterans which work Commandos were the best and which block one should try to enter all the inmates agreed Buna is a very good camp one can hold one's own there the most important thing is not to be assigned to the construction Commando as if we had a choice our tent leader was a German an Assassin's face fleshy lips hands resembling a wolf's paws the Camp's food had agreed with him he could hardly move he was so fat like the head of the camp he liked children immediately after our arrival he had bread brought for them some soup and margarine in fact this affection was not entirely altruistic there existed here of veritable traffic of children among homosexuals I learned later he told us you will stay with me for three days in quarantine afterward you will go to work tomorrow medical checkup one of his aides a tough looking boy with Shifty eyes came over to me would you like to get into a good Commando of course but on one condition I want to stay with my father all right he said I can arrange it for a pittance your shoes I'll give you another pair I refuse to give him my shoes they were all I had left I'll also give you a ration of bread with some margarine he lights my shoes I would not let him have them later they were taken from me anyway in exchange for nothing that time the medical checkup took place outside early in the morning before three doctors Seated on a bench the first hardly examined me he just asked are you in good health who would have dared to admit the opposite on the other hand the dentist seem more conscientious he asked me to open my mouth wide in fact he was not looking for Decay but for gold teeth those who had gold in their mouths were listed by their number I did have a gold crown the first three days went by quickly on the fourth day as we stood in front of our tent the capos appeared each one began to choose the men he liked you you they pointed their fingers the way one might choose cattle or merchandise we followed our Capo a young man he made us halt at the door of the first Block near the entrance to the camp this was the orchestra's block he motioned us inside we were surprised what had we to do with music the orchestra was playing a military March always the same does dozens of Commandos were marching off in step to the work yards the capos were beating the time left right left right SS officers Pen in Hand recorded the number of men leaving the orchestra continued to play the same March until the last Commando had passed then the conductor's Baton stopped moving and the orchestra fell silent the Capo yelled fall in we fell into ranks of five with the musicians we left the camp without music but in step still had the march in our ears left right left right we struck up conversations with our neighbors the musicians almost all of them were Jews Juliette a pole with eyeglasses and a cynical smile and a pale face Lewis a native of Holland a well-known violinist he complained that they would not let him play Beethoven Jews were not allowed to play German music Hans the young man from Berlin was full of wit the foreman was a pull franic a former student in Warsaw Juliette explained to me we work in a warehouse of electrical materials not far from here the work is neither difficult nor dangerous only idec the Capo occasionally has fits of Madness and then you'd better stay out of his way you are lucky little fellow said Han smiling you fell into a good Commando ten minutes later we stood in front of the warehouse a German employee a civilian the Meister came to meet us he paid as much attention to us as would a shopkeeper receive in a delivery of old rags our comrades were right the work was not difficult sitting on the ground we counted bolts bulbs and various small electrical parts the Capo launched into a lengthy explanation of the importance of this work warning us that anyone who proved to be lazy would be held accountable my new comrades reassured me don't worry he has to say this because of the Meister there were many polish civilians here and a few French women as well the women silently greeted the musicians with their eyes frantic the foreman assigned me to a corner don't kill yourself there's no hurry but watch out don't let an SS catch you please sir I'd like to be near my father all right your father will work here next to you we were lucky two boys came to join our group yossi and Tibi two brothers from Czechoslovakia whose parents had been exterminated in birkenau they live for each other body and soul they quickly became my friends having once belonged to a Zionist Youth Organization they knew countless Hebrew songs and so we would sometimes hum Melodies evoking the gentle Waters of the Jordan River and the Majestic sanctity of Jerusalem we also spoke often about Palestine their parents like mine had not had the courage to sell everything and emigrate while there was still time we decided that if we were allowed to live until the Liberation we would not stay another day in Europe we would board the first ship to Haifa still lost in his kabbalistic dreams Akiba jumaire had discovered a verse from the Bible which translated into numbers made it possible for him to predict redemption in the weeks to come we had left the tents for the musician's block we now were entitled to a blanket a wash bowl and a bar of soap the blockile test was a German Jew it was good to have a Jew as your leader his name was alfons a young man with a startingly wisened face he was totally devoted to defending his block whenever he could he would organize a cauldron of soup for the young for the week for all those who dreamed more of an extra portion of food than of Liberty one day when we had just returned from the warehouse I was summoned by the block secretary a7713 that's me after your meal you'll go see the dentist but I don't have a toothache after your meal without fail I went to the infirmary block some 20 prisoners were waiting in line at the entrance it didn't take long to learn the reason for our summons our gold teeth were to be extracted the dentist a Jew from Czechoslovakia had a face not unlike a death mask when he opened his mouth one had a ghastly vision of yellow rotten teeth seated in the chair I asked meekly what are you going to do sir I shall remove your gold crown that's all he said clearly indifferent I thought of pretending to be sick couldn't you wait a few days sir I don't feel well I have a fever he wrinkled his brow thought for a moment and took my pulse alright son come back to see me when you feel better but don't wait for me to call you I went back to see him a week later with the same excuse I still was not feeling better he did not seem surprised and I don't know whether he believed me yet he most likely was pleased that I had come back on my own as I had promised he granted me a further delay a few days after my visit the dentist's office was shut down he had been thrown into prison and was about to be hanged it appeared that he had been dealing in the prisoners gold teeth for his own benefit I felt no pity for him in fact I was pleased with what was happening to him my gold crown was safe it could be useful to me one day to buy something some bread or even time to live at that moment in time all that mattered to me was my daily bowl of soup my crust of stale bread the bread the soup those were my entire life I was nothing but a body perhaps even less a famished stomach the stomach alone was measuring time in the warehouse I often work next to a young French woman we did not speak she did not know German and I did not understand French I thought she looked Jewish though she passed for Aryan she was a forced labor inmate one day when IDK was venting his Fury I happened to cross his path he threw himself on me like a wild beast beating me in the chest on my head throwing me to the ground and picking me up again crushing me with ever more violent blows until I was covered in blood as I bit my lips in order not to howl with pain he must have mistaken my silence for defiance and so he continued to hit me harder and harder abruptly he calmed down and sent me back to work as if nothing had happened as if we had taken part in a game in which both roles were of equal importance I dragged myself to my corner I was aching all over I felt a cool hand wiping the blood from my forehead it was the French girl she was smiling her mournful Smile as she slipped me a crust of bread she looked straight into my eyes I knew she wanted to talk to me but she was paralyzed with fear she remained like that for some time and then her face lit up and she said an almost perfect German bite your lips little brother don't cry keep your anger your hate for another day for later the day will come but not now wait clench your teeth and wait many years later in Paris I sat in the Metro reading my newspaper across the aisle a beautiful woman with dark hair and dreamy eyes I had seen those eyes before Madam don't you recognize me I don't know you sir in 1944 you were in Poland in Buna weren't you yes but you worked in a Depot a warehouse for electrical parts yes she said looking troubled and then after a moment of silence wait I do remember idec the Capo the young Jewish boy your sweet words we left the Metro together and sat down at a cafe Terrace we spent the whole evening reminiscing before partying I said may I ask you one question I know what it is am I Jewish yes I am from an observant family during the occupation I had false papers and passed as Aryan and that was how I was assigned to a forced labor unit when they deported me to Germany I alluded being sent to a concentration camp at the Depot nobody knew that I spoke German it would have aroused suspicion it was imprudent of me to say those few words to you but I knew that you would not betray me another time we were loading diesel motors onto Freight cars under the supervision of some German soldiers idec was on edge he had trouble restraining himself suddenly he exploded the victim this time was my father you old loafer he started yelling is this what you call working and he began beating him with an iron bar at first my father simply doubled over under the blows but then he seemed to break into like an old tree struck by lightning I had watched it all happening without moving I kept silent in fact I thought of stealing away in order not to suffer the blows once more if I felt anger at that moment it was not directed at the Capo but not my father why couldn't he have avoided idex Wrath that was what life in a concentration camp had made of me frantic the foreman one day noticed the gold crown in my mouth let me have your crown kid I answered that I could not because without the crown I could no longer eat for what they give you to eat kid I found another answer my crown had been listed in the register during the medical checkup this could mean trouble for us both if you don't give me your crown it will cost you much more all of a sudden this Pleasant and intelligent young man had changed his eyes were shining with greed I told him that I needed to get my father's advice go ahead kid ask but I want the answer by tomorrow when I mentioned it to my father he hesitated after a long silence he said no my son we cannot do this he will seek revenge he won't dare my son unfortunately franic knew how to handle this he knew my weak spot my father had never served in the military and could not March in Step but here whenever we moved from one place to another it was in step that presented frantic with the opportunity to torment him and on a daily basis to thrash him savagely left right he punched him left right he slapped him I decided to give my father lessons in Marching In Step In keeping time we began practicing in front of our block I would command left right and my father would try the inmates made fun of us look at the little officer teaching the old man to March hey little general how many rations of bread does the old man give you for this but my father did not make sufficient progress and the blows continued to rain on him so you still don't know how to march in Step you hold good for nothing this went on for two weeks it was untenable we had to give in that day frantic burst into Savage laughter I knew it I knew that I would win kid better late than never and because you made me wait it will also cost you a ration of bread a ration of bread for one of my pals a famous dentist from Warsaw to pay him for pulling out your crown what my ration of bread so that you can have my crown frantic smiled what would you like that I'd break your teeth by Smashing your face that evening in the latrines the dentist from Warsaw pulled my crown with the help of a rusty spoon frantic became Pleasant again from time to time he even gave me extra soup but it didn't last long two weeks later all the polls were transferred to another camp I had lost my crown for nothing a few days before the polls left I had a novel experience it was on a Sunday morning our Commando was not required to work that day only idec would not hear of staying in the camp we had to go to the depot this sudden enthusiasm for work astonished us at the Depot Isaac entrusted us to frantic saying do what you like but do something or else you'll hear from me and he disappeared we didn't know what to do tired of huddling on the ground we each took turns strolling through the warehouse in the hope of finding something a piece of bread perhaps that a civilian might have forgotten there when I reached the back of the building I heard sounds coming from a small adjoining room I moved closer and had a glimpse of idek and a young Polish Girl half naked on a straw mat now I understood why idek refused to leave us in the camp he moved 100 prisoners so that he could copulate with this girl it struck me as terribly funny and I burst out laughing idic jumped turned and saw me while the girl tried to cover her breasts I wanted to run away but my feet were nailed to the floor Ida grabbed me by the throat hissing at me he threatened just you wait kid you will see what it costs to leave your work you'll pay for this later now go back to your place a half hour before the usual time to stop work the Capo assembled the entire Commando roll call nobody understood what was going on a roll call at this hour here only I knew the Capo made a short speech an ordinary inmate does not have the right to mix into other people's Affairs one of you does not seem to have understood this point I shall therefore try to make him understand clearly once and for all I felt the sweat running down my back a7713 I stepped forward a crate he ordered they brought a crate lie down on it on your belly I obeyed I no longer felt anything except the lashes of the whip 1. 2 he was counting he took his time between lashes only the first really hurt I heard him count 10 11. his voice was calm and reached me as through a thick wall 23. two more I thought half unconscious the Capo was waiting 24 25. it was over I had not realized it but I had fainted I came to when they doused me with cold water I was still lying on the crate in a blur I could see the wet ground next to me then I heard someone yell it had to be the Capo I began to distinguish what he was shouting stand up I must have made some movement to get up but I felt myself fall back on the crate how I wanted to get up stand up he was yelling even more loudly if only I could answer him if only I could tell him that I could not move but my mouth would not open at idex command two inmates Lifted Me and led me to him look me in the eye I looked at him without seeing him I was thinking of my father he would be suffering more than I listen to me you son of a swine said idek coldly so much for your curiosity you shall receive five times more if you dare tell anyone what you saw understood I nodded once ten times endlessly as if my head had decided to say yes for all eternity one Sunday as half of our group including my father was at work the others including me took the opportunity to stay and rest at around 10 o'clock the siren started to go off alert the blackout test had gathered us inside the blocks while the SS took refuge in the shelters as it was relatively easy to escape during an alert the guards left the watchtowers and the electric current in the barbed wire was cut the standing order to the SS was to shoot anyone found outside his block in no time the camp had the look of an abandoned ship no living soul in the alleys next to the kitchen two cauldrons of hot steaming soup had been left untended two cauldrons of soup smack in the middle of the road two cauldrons of soup with no one to guard them a royal Feast going to waste Supreme Temptation hundreds of eyes were looking at them shining with desire two Lambs with hundreds of wolves lying and wait for them two Lambs without a Shepherd free for the taking but who would dare fear was greater than hunger suddenly we saw the door of block 37 open slightly a man appeared crawling snake-like in the direction of the cauldrons hundreds of Eyes Were Watching his every move hundreds of men were crawling with him scraping their bodies with his on the stones All Hearts trembled but mostly With Envy he was the one who had dared he reached the first cauldron Hearts were pounding harder he had succeeded jealousy devoured us consumed us we never thought to admire him poor hero committing suicide for a ration or two or more of soup in our minds he was already dead lying on the ground near The Cauldron he was trying to lift himself to the cauldron's rim either out of weakness or out of fear he remained there undoubtedly to muster his strength at last he succeeded in pulling himself up to the rim for a second he seemed to be looking at himself in the soup looking for his ghostly reflection there then for no apparent reason he let out a terrible scream a death rattle such as I had never heard before and with open mouth thrust his head toward the still steaming liquid we jumped at the sound of the shot falling to the ground his face stained by the soup the man writhed a few seconds at the base of the cauldron and then he was still that was when we began to hear the planes almost at the same moment the Barrack began to shake they're bombing the Buna Factory someone shouted I anxiously thought of my father who was at work but I was glad nevertheless to watch that factory go up in Flames what Revenge while we had heard some talk of German military defeats on the various fronts we were not sure if they were credible today this was real we were not afraid and yet if a bomb had fallen on the blocks it would have claimed hundreds of inmates lives but we no longer feared death in any event not this particular death every bomb that hit filled us with joy gave us renewed confidence The Raid lasted more than one hour if only it could have gone on for 10 times 10 hours then once more there was silence the last sound of the American plane dissipated in the wind and there we were in our Cemetery on the horizon we saw a long trail of black smoke the sirens began to wail again the end of the alert everyone came out of the blocks we breathed in air filled with fire and smoke and our eyes Shone with hope a bomb had landed in the middle of the camp near the Apple plots the assembly point but had not exploded we had to dispose of it outside the camp the head of the camp the lageral test accompanied by his Aid and by the chief Capo were on an inspection tour of the camp The Raid had left traces of great fear on his face in the very center of the camp lay the body of the man with the soup stains on his face the only victim the cauldrons were carried back to the kitchen the SS were back at their posts in the watchtowers behind their machine guns intermission was over an hour later we saw the Commandos returning InStep as always happily I caught the side of my father several buildings were flattened he said but the depot was not touched in the afternoon we cheerfully went to clear the ruins one week later as we returned from work there in the middle of the camp in the Apple plots stood a black Gallows we learned that soup would be distributed only after roll call which lasted longer than usual the orders were given more harshly than on other days and there were strange vibrations in the air cats off the Lego test suddenly shouted ten thousand caps came off at once cover your heads ten thousand caps were back on our heads at lightning speed the camp gate opened an SS unit appeared and encircled us one ss every three paces the machine guns on the watchtowers were pointed toward the Apple plots they're expecting trouble with berjuliak two SS were headed toward the solitary confinement cell they came back The Condemned man between them he was a young boy from Warsaw an inmate with three years in concentration camps behind him he was tall and strong a giant compared to me his back was to The Gallows his face turned toward his judge the head of the camp he was pale but seemed more solemn than frightened his manacled hands did not tremble his eyes were coolly assessing the hundreds of ss guards the thousands of prisoners surrounding him The Lager out test began to read the verdict emphasizing every word in the name of reich's fuhrer him prisoner number stalled during the era according to the prisoner numbers condemned to death let this be a warning and an example to all prisoners nobody moved I heard the pounding of my heart the thousands of people who died daily in Auschwitz and birkenau in the crematoria no longer troubled me but this boy leaning against his Gallows upset me deeply this ceremony will it be over soon I'm hungry whisper Juliette at a sign of the leg or I'll test a lager Capo stepped up to the condemned youth he was assisted by two prisoners in exchange for two bowls of soup the Capo wanted to blindfold the youth but he refused after what seemed like a long moment the hangman put the Rope around his neck he was about to Signal his aids to pull the chair from under the young man's feet when the latter shouted in a strong and calm voice Long Live Liberty my curse on Germany my curse my the Executioner had completed his work like a sword the order cut through the air caps off ten thousand prisoners paid their respects cover your heads then the entire Camp block after block filed past the hanged boy and stared at his extinguished eyes the tongue hanging from his gaping mouth the capos forced everyone to look him squarely in the face afterward we were given permission to go back to our block and have our meal I remember that on that evening the soup tasted better than ever I watched other hangings I never saw a single victim weep these withered bodies had long forgotten the bitter taste of Tears except once the obra Capo of the 52nd cable Commando was a Dutchman a giant of a man well over six feet he had some 700 prisoners under his command and they all loved him like a brother nobody had ever endured a blow or even an insult from him in his service was a young boy a Bible as they were called this one had a delicate and beautiful face an incredible sight in this camp in Buna the people were hated they often displayed greater cruelty than their Elders I once saw one of them a boy of 13 beat his father for not making his bed properly as the old man quietly wept the boy was yelling if you don't stop crying instantly I will no longer bring you bread understood but the Dutchman's little servant was beloved by all his was the face of an angel in distress one day the power failed at the Central Electric Plant in Buna the Gestapo summoned to inspect the damage concluded that it was sabotage and they found a trail it led to the block of the Dutch obracapo and after a search they found a significant quantity of weapons the Ober Capo was arrested on the spot he was tortured for weeks on end in vain he gave no names he was transferred to Auschwitz and never heard from again but his young people remains behind in solitary confinement he too was tortured but he too remained silent the SS then condemned him to death him and two other inmates who had been found to possess arms one day as we return from work we saw three Gallows three black Ravens erected on the Apple plots roll call the SS surrounding us machine guns aimed at us the usual ritual three prisoners and chains and among them the little people the sad eyed angel the SS seemed more preoccupied more worried than usual to hang a child in front of thousands of onlookers was not a small matter the head of the camp read the verdict all eyes were on the child he was pale almost calm and he was biting his lips as he stood in the shadow of the Gallows this time the lager Capo refused to act as executioner 3ss took his place the three condemned prisoners together stepped onto the chairs in unison the nooses were placed around their necks Long Live Liberty shouted the two men but the boy was silent where is merciful god where is he someone behind me was asking at the signal the three chairs were tipped over total silence in the camp on the horizon the sun was setting capped off screamed the Lego test his voice quivered as for the rest of us we were weeping cover your heads then came the March past the victims the two men were no longer alive their tongues were hanging out swollen and bluish but the third rope was still moving the child too light still breathing and so he remained for more than half an hour lingering between life and death writhing before our eyes and when we were forced to look at him at close range he was still alive when I passed him his tongue was still red his eyes not yet extinguished behind me I heard the same man asking for God's sake where is God and from within me I Heard a Voice answer where he is this is where hanging here from this Gallows that night soup tasted of corpses the summer was coming to an end the Jewish year was almost over on the eve of Rush Hashanah the last day of that cursed year the entire Camp was agitated and every one of us felt the tension after all this was a day unlike all others the last day of the year the word last had an odd ring to it what if it really were the last day the evening meal was distributed and especially thick soup but nobody touched it we wanted to wait until after prayer on the Apple plot surrounded by electrified barbed wire thousands of Jews anguish on their faces gathered in silence Knight was falling rapidly and more and more prisoners kept coming from every block suddenly able to overcome time and space to will both into submission what are you my God I thought angrily how do you compare to this stricken Mass gathered to affirm to you their faith their anger their defiance what does your Grandeur mean Master of the Universe in the face of all this cowardice this Decay and this misery why do you go on troubling these poor people's wounded Minds their ailing bodies some ten thousand men had come to participate in a solemn service including the blockile test the capos all bureaucrats in the service of death blessed be the almighty the voice of the officiating inmate had just become audible at first I thought it was in the Wind blessed be God's name thousands of lips repeated the benediction bent over like trees in a storm blessed be God's name why but why would I bless him every fiber in me rebelled because he caused thousands of children to burn in his Mass graves because he kept six crematoria working day and night including Sabbath and the holy days because in his great might he had created Auschwitz birkenau Buna and now so many other factories of death how could I say to him blessed be thou Almighty master of the universe who chose us among all nations to be tortured day and night to watch our fathers our mothers our brothers end up in the furnaces praised be thy holy name for having chosen us to be slaughtered on thine altar I listened as the inmate's voice Rose it was powerfully yet broken amid the Weeping the sobbing the sign of the entire congregation all the Earth and universe are gods he kept pausing as though he lacked the strength to uncover the meaning beneath the text the melody was stifled in his throat and I the former Mystic was thinking yes man is stronger greater than God when Adam and Eve deceived you you chased them from Paradise when you were displeased by Noah's generation you brought down the flood when Sodom lost your favor you caused the Heavens to rain down fire and Damnation but look at these men whom you have betrayed allowing them to be tortured slaughtered gassed and burned what do they do they pray before you they praise your name all the creation Bears witness to the greatness of God in days gone by Rosh Hashanah had dominated my life I knew that my sins grieved the almighty and so I pleaded for forgiveness in those days I fully believe that the salvation of the world depended on every one of my Deeds on every one of my prayers but now I no longer pleaded for anything I was no longer able to Lament on the contrary I felt very strong I was the Accuser God the accused my eyes had opened and I was alone terribly alone in a world without god without Man Without Love or Mercy I was nothing but ashes now but I felt myself to be stronger than this Almighty to whom my life had been bound for so long in the midst of these men assembled for prayer I felt like an observer a stranger the service ended with kaddish each of us recited kaddish for his parents for his children and for himself we remain standing in the Apple plots for a long time unable to detach ourselves from The Surreal moment then came the time to go to sleep and slowly the inmates returned to their blocks I thought I heard them wishing each other a Happy New Year I ran to look for my father at the same time I was afraid of having to wish him a happy year in which I no longer believed he was leaning against the wall bent shoulders sagging as if under a heavy load I went up to him took his hand and kissed it I felt a tear on my hand whose was it mine his I said nothing and nor did he never before had we understood each other so clearly the sound of the Bell brought us back to reality we had to go to bed we came back from very far away I looked up at my father's face trying to glimpse a smile or something like it on his stricken face but there was nothing not the shadow of an expression defeat Yom Kippur the day of atonement should we fast the question was hotly debated to fast could mean a more certain more rapid death in this place we were always fasting it was Yom Kippur year round but there were those who said we should fast precisely because it was dangerous to do so we needed to show God that even here locked in hell we were capable of singing his praises I did not fast first of all to please my father who had forbidden me to do so and then there was no longer any reason for me to fast I no longer accepted God's silence as I swallowed my ration of soup I turned that act into a symbol of rebellion of protest against him and I nibbled on my crust of bread deep inside me I felt a great void opening the SS offered us a beautiful present for the new year we had just returned from work as soon as we passed the Camp's entrance we sent something out of the ordinary in the air the roll call was shorter than usual the evening soup was distributed at great speed swallowed as quickly we were anxious I was no longer in the same block as my father they had transferred me to another Commando a construction one where 12 hours a day I hauled heavy slabs of stone the head of my new block was a German Jew small with piercing eyes that evening he announced to us that henceforth no one was allowed to leave the block after the evening soup a terrible word began to circulate soon thereafter selection we knew what it meant an SS would examine us whenever he found someone extremely frail a muscle man was what we called those inmates he would write down his number good for the crematorium after the soup we gathered between the bunks the veterans told us you're lucky to have been brought here so late today this is Paradise compared to what the camp was two years ago back then Buna was a veritable hell no water no blankets less soup and bread at night we slept almost naked and the temperature was 30 below we were collecting corpses by the hundreds every day work was very hard today this is a little Paradise the capos back then had orders to kill a certain number of prisoners every day and every week selection a merciless selection yes you are lucky enough be quiet I beg them tell your stories tomorrow or some other day they burst out laughing they were not Veterans for nothing are you scared we too are scared and at that time for good reason the old men stayed in their Corner silent motionless hunted down creatures some were praying one more hour then we would know the verdict death or reprieve and my father I first thought of him now how would he pass selection he had aged so much our blackout test had not been outside a concentration camp since 1933. he had already been through all the slaughterhouses all the factories of death around nine o'clock he came to stand in our midst octung there was instant silence listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you for the first time his voice quivered in a few moments selection will take place you will have to undress completely then you will go one by one before the SS doctors I hope you will all pass but you must try to increase your chances before you go into the Next Room try to move your limbs give yourself some color don't walk slowly run run as if you had the devil at your heels don't look at the SS run straight in front of you he paused and then added and most important don't be afraid that was a piece of advice we would have loved to be able to follow I undressed leaving my clothes on my cot tonight there was no danger that they would be stolen TB and Yosi who had changed Commandos at the same time I did came to urge me Let's Stay Together it will make us stronger yossi was mumbling something he probably was praying I had never suspected that yossi was religious in fact I had always believed the opposite Tibi was silent and very pale all the block inmates stood naked between the rows of bunks this must be how one stands for the last judgment they are coming three SS officers surrounded the notorious Dr mangala the very same who had received Us in birkenau the blackout test attempted a smile he asked us ready yes we were ready so are the SS doctors Dr mangala was holding a list our numbers he nodded to the block out test we can begin as If This Were A game the first to go were the notables of the block the Steuben I'll test the capos the foreman all of whom were in perfect physical condition of course then came the ordinary prisoners turns Dr mangala looked them over from head to toe from time to time he noted a number I had but one thought not to have my number taken down and not to show my left arm in front of me there were only Tibi and yossi they passed I had time to notice that Mengele had not written down their numbers someone pushed me it was my turn I ran without looking back my head was spinning you are too skinny you are too weak you are too skinny you are good for the ovens the race seemed endless I felt as though I'd been running for years you are too skinny you are too weak At Last I arrived exhausted when I had caught my breath I asked yossi and Tibby did they write me down no said Yosi smiling he added anyway they couldn't have you were running too fast I began to laugh I was happy I felt like kissing him at that moment the others did not matter they had not written me down those whose numbers had been noted were standing apart abandoned by the whole world some were silently weeping the SS officers left the blockout test appeared his face reflecting our Collective weariness it all went well don't worry nothing will happen to anyone not to anyone he was still trying to smile a poor emaciated Jew questioned him anxiously his voice trembling but sir they did write me down at that the blockout test vented his anger what someone refused to take his word what is it now perhaps you think I'm lying I'm telling you once and for all nothing will happen to you nothing you just like to wallow in your despair you fools the bell rang signaling that the selection had ended in the entire camp with all my strength I began to race toward block 36 Midway I met my father he came toward me so did you pass yes and you also we were able to breathe again my father had a present for me a half ration of bread Bartered for something he had found at the Depot a piece of rubber that could be used to repair a shoe the Bell it was already time to part to go to bed the Bell regulated everything it gave me orders and I executed them blindly I hated that Bell whenever I happen to dream of a better world I imagined a universe without a bell a few days passed we were no longer thinking about the selection we went to work as usual and loaded the heavy Stones onto the freight cars the rations had grown smaller that was the only change we had risen at dawn as we did every day we had received our black coffee a ration of bread we were about to head to the work yard as always the blockout test came running let's have a moment of quiet I have here a list of numbers I shall read them to you all those called will not go to work this morning they will stay in Camp softly he read some 10 numbers we understood these were the numbers from the selection Dr mangala had not forgotten the blockout test turned to go to his room the ten prisoners surrounded him clinging to his clothes save us you promised we want to go to the depot we are strong enough to work we're good workers we can we want he tried to calm them to reassure them about their fate to explain to them that staying in the camp did not mean much had no tragic significance after all I stay here every day the argument was more than flimsy he realized it and without another word locked himself in his room the Bell had just rung form ranks now it no longer mattered that the work was hard all that mattered was to be far from the Block far from The Crucible of death from the center of hell I saw my father running in my direction suddenly I was afraid what's happening he was out of breath hardly able to open his mouth me too me too they told me too to stay in the camp they had recorded his number without his noticing what are we going to do I said anxiously but it was he who tried to reassure me it's not certain yet there's still a chance today they will do another selection a decisive one I said nothing he felt time was running out he was speaking rapidly he wanted to tell me so many things his speech became confused his voice was choked he knew that I had to leave in a few moments he was going to remain alone so alone here take this knife he said I won't need it anymore you may find it useful also take the spoon don't sell it quickly go ahead take what I'm giving you my inheritance don't talk like that father I was on the verge of breaking into sobs I don't want you to say such things keep the spoon and knife you'll need them as much as I will see each other tonight after work he looked at me with his tired eyes veiled by despair he insisted I am asking you take it do as I ask you my son time is running out do as your father asks you our Capo shouted the order to March the Commando headed toward the camp gate left right I was biting my lips my father had remained near the block leaning against the wall then he began to run to try to catch up with us perhaps he had forgotten to tell me something but we were marching too fast left right we were at the gate we were being counted around us the din of military music then we were outside all day I plotted around like a sleepwalker Tibby and Yosi would call out to me from time to time trying to reassure me as did the Capo who had given me easier tasks that day I felt sick at heart how kindly they treated me like an orphan I thought even now my father is helping me I myself didn't know whether I wanted the day to go by quickly or not I was afraid of finding myself alone that evening how good it would be to die right here at last we began the return Journey how I longed for an order to run the military March the gate the camp I ran toward block 36. were there still miracles on this Earth he was alive he had passed the second selection he had still proved his usefulness I gave him back his knife and Spoon Akiba drumer had left us a victim of the selection lately he had been wandering Among Us his eyes glazed telling everyone how weak he was I can't go on it's over we tried to raise his spirits but he wouldn't listen to anything we said he just kept repeating that it was all over for him that he could no longer fight he had no more strength no more faith his eyes would suddenly go blank leaving two gaping wounds two Wells of Terror he was not alone and having lost his faith during those days of selection I knew a rabbi from a small town in Poland he was old and bent his lips constantly trembling he was always praying in the block at work in the ranks he recited entire pages from the talmud arguing with himself asking and answering himself endless questions one day he said to me it's over God is no longer with us and as though he regretted having uttered such words so coldly so dryly he added in his Broken Voice I know no one has the right to say things like that I know that very well man is too insignificant too limited to even try to comprehend God's mysterious ways but what can someone like myself do I'm neither a sage nor a just man I am not a saint I'm a simple creature of Flesh and Bone I suffer hell in my soul and my flesh I also have eyes and I see what is being done here where is God's mercy Where's God how can I believe how can anyone believe in this God of Mercy poor Akiba drumer if only he could have kept his faith in God if only he could have considered the suffering a Divine test he would not have been swept away by this election but as soon as he felt the first chinks in his faith he lost all incentive to fight and open the door to death when the selection came he was doomed from the start offering his neck to the Executioner as it were all he asked of us was in three days I'll be gone say kaddish for me we promised in three days when we would see the smoke rising from the chimney we would think of him we would gather ten men and hold a special service all his friends would say kaddish then he left in the direction of the hospital his step was almost steady and he never looked back an ambulance was waiting to take him to birkenau there followed terrible days we received more blows than food the work was crushing and three days after he left we forgot to say kaddish winter had arrived the days became short and the nights almost unbearable from the first hours of dawn a glacial wind lashed us like a whip we were handed winter clothing striped shirts that were a bit heavier the veterans grabbed the opportunity for further snickering now you'll really get a taste of camp we went off to work as usual our bodies Frozen the stones were so cold that touching them we felt that our hands would remain stuck but we got used to that too Christmas and New Year's we did not work we were treated to a slightly less transparent soup around the middle of January my right foot began to swell from the cold I could not stand on it I went to the infirmary the doctor a great Jewish doctor a prisoner like ourselves was categorical we have to operate if we wait the toes and perhaps the leg will have to be amputated that was all I needed but I had no choice the doctor had decided to operate and there could be no discussion in fact I was rather glad that the decision had been his they put me in a bed with white sheets I had forgotten that people slept in sheets actually being in the infirmary was not bad at all we were entitled to good bread a thicker soup no more Bell no more roll call no more work from time to time I was able to send a piece of bread to my father next to me lay a Hungarian Jew suffering from dysentery he was Skin and Bones his eyes were dead I could just hear his voice the only indication that he was alive where did he get the strength to speak don't Rejoice too soon son here too there is selection in fact more often than outside Germany has no need of sick Jews Germany has no need of me when the next transport arrives you'll have a new neighbor therefore listen to me leave the infirmary before the next election these words coming from the grave as it were from a faceless shape filled me with Terror true the infirmary was very small and if new patients were to arrive room would have to be made but then perhaps my faceless neighbor afraid of being among the first displaced simply wanted to get rid of me to free my bed to give himself a chance to survive perhaps you only wanted to frighten me but then again what if he was telling the truth I decided to wait and see the doctor came to tell me that he would operate the next day don't be afraid he said everything will be all right at 10 o'clock in the morning I was taken to the operating room my doctor was there that reassured me I felt that in his presence nothing serious could happen to me every one of his words was healing and every glance of his carried a message of Hope it will hurt a little he said but it will pass be brave the operation lasted one hour they did not put me to sleep I did not take my eyes off my doctor then I felt myself sink when I came to and opened my eyes I first saw nothing but a huge expanse of white my sheets then I saw my doctor's face above me everything went well you have spunk my boy next you'll stay here two weeks for some proper rest and that will be it you'll eat well you'll relax your body and your nerves all I could do was follow the movements of his lips I barely understood what he was telling me but the inflection of his voice soothes me suddenly I broke into a cold sweat I couldn't feel my leg had they amputated it doctor I stammered doctor what is it son I didn't have the courage to ask him doctor I'm thirsty he had water brought to me he was smiling he was ready to walk out to see other patients doctor yes will I be able to use my leg stopped smiling I became very frightened he said listen son do you trust me very much doctor then listen well in two weeks you'll be fully recovered you'll be able to walk like the others the soul of your foot was full of pus I just had to open the sack your leg was not amputated you'll see in two weeks you'll be walking around like everybody else all I had to do was wait two weeks but two days after my operation rumors swept through the camp that the Battlefront had suddenly drawn nearer the Red Army was racing toward Buna it was only a matter of hours we were quite used to this kind of rumor it wasn't the first time that false prophets announced to us peace in the world the Red Cross negotiating our Liberation or other fables and often we would believe them it was like an injection of morphine only this time these prophecies seemed more founded during the last nights we had heard the cannons in the distance my faceless neighbor spoke up don't be deluded Hitler has made it clear that he will annihilate all Jews before the clock strikes 12. I exploded what do you care what he said would you want us to consider him a prophet his cold eye stared at me at last he said wearily I have more faith in Hitler than in anyone else he alone has kept his promises all his promises to the Jewish people that afternoon at four o'clock as usual the Bell called all the block out tests for their daily report they came back shattered they had difficulty opening their mouths all they could utter was one word evacuation the camp was going to be emptied and we would be sent to the rear where to somewhere in deepest Germany to other camps there was no shortage of them when tomorrow night perhaps the Russians will arrive before perhaps we knew perfectly well they would not the camp had become a hive of activity people were running calling to one another in every block the inmates prepared for the journey ahead I had forgotten about my lame foot a doctor came into the room and announced tomorrow right after Nightfall the camp will start on its March block by block the stick can remain in the infirmary they will not be evacuated that news made us Wonder were the SS really going to leave hundreds of prisoners behind in the infirmaries pending the arrival of their liberators were they really going to allow Jews to hear the clock strike 12. of course not all the patients will be finished off on the spot said the faceless one and in one last swoop thrown into the furnaces surely the camp will be mined said another right after the evacuation it will all blow up as for me I was thinking not about death but about not wanting to be separated from my father we had already suffered so much endured so much together this was not the moment to separate I ran outside to look for him the snow was piled high the Block's Windows veiled and frost holding a shoe in my hand for I could not put it on my right foot I ran feeling neither pain nor cold what are we going to do my father didn't answer what are we going to do he was lost in thought the choice was in our hands for once we could decide Our Fate for ourselves to say both of us in the infirmary where thanks to my doctor he could enter as either a patient or a medic I had made up my mind to accompany my father wherever he went well father what do we do he was silent let's be evacuated with the others I said he didn't answer he was looking at my foot you think you'll be able to walk yes I think so let's hope we won't regret it Elisa after the war I learned the fate of those who had remained at the Infirmary they were quite simply liberated by the Russians two days after the evacuation I did not return to the infirmary I went straight to my block my wound had reopened and was bleeding the snow under my feet turned red the blackout test distributed double rations of bread and margarine for the road we could take as much clothing from the store as we wanted it was cold we got into our bunks the last night in Buna once more the last night the last night at home the last night in the ghetto the last night in the cattle car and now the last night in Buna how much longer would our lives be lived from one last night to the next I didn't sleep through the frosty window panes we could see flashes of red cannon shots broke the Silence Of Night how close the Russians were beating them and us one night our last there was whispering from one bunk to the other with a little luck the Russians would be here before the evacuation Hope was still alive someone called out try to sleep gather your strength through the Journey it reminded me of my mother's last recommendations in the ghetto but I couldn't fall asleep foot was on fire in the morning the camp did not look the same The Prisoner showed up in all kinds of strange Garb it looked like a masquerade we each had put on several garments one over the other to better protect ourselves from the cold poor clowns wider than tall more dead than alive poor creatures whose ghostly faces peaked out from layers of prisoners clothes poor clowns I tried to find a very large shoe in vain I tore my blanket and wrapped it around my foot then I went off to wander through the camp in search of a little more bread and a few potatoes some people said we would be going to Czechoslovakia no to gross Rosen no to glyphics no two two o'clock in the afternoon the snow continued to fall heavily now the hours were passing quickly dusk had fallen daylight disappeared into a gray mist suddenly the blackout test remembered that we had forgotten to clean the block he commanded four prisoners to mop the floor one hour before leaving camp why for whom for the liberating Army he told us let them know that here lived men and not pigs so we were men after all the block was cleaned from top to bottom at six o'clock the bell rang the death knell the funeral the procession was beginning its March fall in quickly in a few moments we stood in ranks block by block night had fallen everything was happening according to plan the searchlights came on hundreds of ss appeared out of the darkness accompanied by police dogs the snow continued to fall the gates of the camp opened it seemed as though an even darker night was waiting for us on the other side the first blocks began to March we waited we had to await the Exodus of the 56 blocks that preceded us it was very cold in my pocket I had two pieces of bread how I would have liked to eat them but I knew I must not not yet our turn was coming block 53 block 55 block 57 forward March it snowed on and on an icy wind was blowing violently but we marched without faltering the SS made us increase our pace faster you traps you flea ridden dogs why not moving fast made us a little warmer the blood flowed more readily in our veins we had the feeling of being alive faster you filthy dogs we were no longer marching we were running like automatons the SS were running as well weapons in hand we looked as though we were running from them the night was Pitch Black from time to time a shot exploded in the Darkness they had orders to shoot anyone who could not sustain the pace their fingers on the triggers they did not deprive themselves of the pleasure if one of us stopped for a second a quick shot eliminated the filthy dog I was putting one foot in front of the other like a machine I was dragging this emaciated body that was still such a weight if only I could have shed it though I tried to put it out of my mind I couldn't help thinking that there were two of us my body and I and I hated that body I kept repeating to myself don't think don't stop run near me men were collapsing into the dirty snow gunshots a young boy from Poland was marching beside me his name was Zalman he had worked in the electrical material Depot in Buna people mocked him because he was forever praying or meditating on some talmudic question for him it was an escape from reality from feeling the blows all of a sudden he had terrible stomach cramps my stomach aches he whispered to me couldn't go on he had to stop a moment I begged him wait a little Zalman soon we will all come to a halt we cannot run like this to the end of the world but while running he began to undo his buttons and yelled to me I can't go on my stomach is bursting making effort to Solomon try I can't go on he groaned he lowered his pants and fell to the ground that is the image I have of him I don't believe that he was finished off by an SS for nobody had noticed he must have died Trampled Under the feet of the thousands of men who followed us I soon forgot him I began to think of myself again my foot was aching I shivered with every step just a few more meters and it will be over I'll fall small red flame a shot death enveloped me it suffocated me it stuck to me like glue I felt I could touch it the idea of dying of ceasing to be began to fascinate me to no longer exist to no longer feel the excruciating pain of my foot to no longer feel anything neither fatigue nor cold nothing to break rank to let myself slide to the side of the road my father's presence was the only thing that stopped me he was running next to me out of breath out of strength desperate I had no right to let myself die what would he do without me I was his sole support these thoughts were going through my mind as I continued to run not feeling my numb foot not even realizing that I was still running that I still owned a body that galloped down the road among thousands of others when I became conscious of myself again I tried to slow my Pace somewhat there was no way these human waves were rolling forward and would have crushed me like an ant by now I moved like a sleepwalker I sometimes closed my eyes and it was like running while asleep now and then someone kicked me violently from behind and I would wake up the man in back of me was screaming run faster if you don't want to move let us pass you but all I had to do was close my eyes to see a whole world pass before me to dream of another life the road was endless to allow oneself to be carried by the mob to be swept away by blind fate when the SS were tired they were replaced but no one replaced us chilled to the Bone our throats parched famished out of breath we pressed on we were the masters of nature the masters of the world we had transcended everything death fatigue our natural needs we were stronger than cold and hunger stronger than the guns and the desire to die doomed and rootless nothing but numbers we were the only men on Earth at last the morning star appeared in the gray sky a hesitant light began to hover on the horizon we were exhausted we had lost all strength all illusion the commandant announced that we had already covered 20 kilometers since we left long since we had exceeded the limits of fatigue our legs moved mechanically in spite of us without us we came to an abandoned Village not a living Soul not a single bark houses with gaping Windows a few people slipped out of the ranks hoping to hide in some abandoned building one more hour of marching and at last the order to halt as one man we let ourselves sink into the snow my father shook me not here get up a little farther down there's a shed over there come I had neither the desire nor the resolve to get up yet I obeyed it was not really a shed but a brick Factory whose roof had fallen in its window panes were shattered its walls covered in soot it was not easy to get inside hundreds of prisoners jostled one another at the door we finally succeeded at entering inside two the snow was thick I let myself slide to the ground only now did I feel the full extent of my weakness the snow seemed to me like a very soft very warm carpet I fell asleep I don't know how long I slept few minutes or one hour when I woke up a frigid hand was tapping my cheeks I tried to open my eyes it was my father how he had aged since last night his body was completely Twisted shriveled up into himself his eyes were glazed over his lips parched decayed everything about him expressed total exhaustion his voice was damp from tears and snow don't let yourself be overcome by Sleep Elisa it's dangerous to fall asleep in snow one falls asleep forever come my son come get up get up how could I how was I to leave this warm blanket I was hearing my father's words but their meaning escaped me as if he had asked me to carry the entire shed on my arms come my son come I got up with clenched teeth holding on to me with one arm he led me outside it was not easy it was as difficult to go out as to come in beneath our feet there lay men crushed trampled underfoot dying nobody paid attention to them we were outside the icy wind whipped my face I was constantly biting my lips so that they wouldn't freeze all around me what appeared to be a Dance of Death my head was Reeling I was walking through a cemetery among the stiff and corpses there were logs of wood not a sound of distress not a plaintiff cry nothing but Mass Agony and silence nobody asked anyone for help one died because one had to no point in making trouble I saw myself in every stiffened corpse soon I wouldn't even be seeing them anymore I would be one of them a matter of hours come father let's go back to the shed he didn't answer he was not even looking at the Dead come father it's better there you'll be able to lie down we'll take turns I'll watch over you and you watch over me we won't let each other fall asleep we'll look after each other he accepted after trampling over many bodies and corpses we succeeded in getting inside we let ourselves fall to the ground don't worry son go to sleep I'll watch over you you first father sleep he refused I stretched out and tried to sleep to doze a little but in vain God knows what I would have given to be able to sleep a few moments but deep inside I knew that to sleep meant to die and something in me rebelled against that death death which was settling in all around me silently gently it would seize upon a sleeping person steal into him and devour him bit by bit next to me someone was trying to awaken his neighbor his brother perhaps or his comrade in vain defeated he lay down too next to the corpse and also fell asleep who would wake him up reaching out with my arm I touched him wake up one mustn't fall asleep here he half opened his eyes no advice he said his voice a whisper I'm exhausted mind your business leave me alone my father too was gently dozing I couldn't see his eyes his cap was covering his face wake up I whispered in his ear he awoke with a start he sat up bewildered stunned like an orphan you looked all around him taking it all in as if he had suddenly decided to make an inventory of his Universe to determine where he was and how and why he was there then he smiled I shall always remember that smile what world did it come from heavy snow continued to fall over the corpses the door of the shed opened an old man appeared his mustache was covered with ice his lips were blue it was Rabbi eliyahu who had headed a small congregation in Poland a very kind man beloved by everyone in the camp even by the capos in the blockout test despite the ordeals and deprivations his face continued to radiate his innocence he was the only Rabbi whom nobody ever failed to address as Rabbi in Buna he looked like one of those prophets of old always in the midst of his people when they needed to be consoled and strangely his words never provoked anyone they did bring peace as he entered the shed his eyes brighter than ever seemed to be searching for someone perhaps someone here has seen my son he had lost his son in the commotion he had searched for him among the dying to no avail then he had dug through the snow to find his body in vain for three years they had stayed close to one another side by side they had endured The Suffering The blows they had waited for their ration of bread and they had prayed three years from Camp to Camp from selection to selection and now when the end seemed near fate had separated them when he came near me Rabbi ilyahu whispered it happened on the road we lost sight of one another during the journey I fell behind a little at the rear of the column I didn't have the strength to run anymore and my son didn't notice that's all I know where has he disappeared where can I find him perhaps you've seen him somewhere no Rabbi eliyahu I haven't seen him and so he left as he had come a shadow Swept Away by the wind he had already gone through the door when I remembered that I had noticed his son running beside me I had forgotten and so I had not mentioned it to Rabbi eliyahu but then I remembered something else his son had seen him losing ground sliding back to the rear of the column he had seen him and he had continued to run in front letting the distance between them become greater a terrible thought crossed my mind what if he had wanted to be rid of his father he had felt his father growing weaker and believing that the end was near had thought by this separation to free himself of a burden that could diminish his own chance for survival it was good that I had forgotten all that and I was glad that Rabbi eliyahu continued to search for his beloved Son and in spite of myself a prayer formed inside of me a prayer to this God in whom I no longer believed oh God Master of the Universe give me the strength never to do what Rabbi eliyahu's son has done they were shouting outside in the courtyard night had fallen and the SS were ordering us to form ranks we started to March once more the dead remained in the yard under the snow without even a marker like Fallen guards no one recited kaddish over them Sons abandoned the remains of their fathers without a tear on the road it snowed and snowed it snowed endlessly we were marching more slowly even the guards seemed tired by wounded foot no longer hurt probably Frozen I felt I had lost that foot it had become detached from me like a wheel falling off a car never mind I had to accept the fact I would have to live with only one leg the important thing was not to dwell on it especially now leave those thoughts for later our column had lost all appearance of discipline everyone walked as he wished as he could no more gunshots our guards surely were tired but death hardly needed their help the cold was conscientiously doing its work at every step somebody fell down and ceased to suffer from time to time SS officers on motorcycles drove the length of the column to shake off the growing apathy hold on we're almost there courage just a few more hours we're arriving in glivitz these words of encouragement even coming as they did from the mouths of our assassins were of great help nobody wanted to give up now just before the end so close to our destination our eyes searched the Horizon for the barbed wire of glivitz our only wish was to arrive there quickly by now it was night it had stopped snowing we marched a few more hours before we arrived we saw the camp only when we stood right in front of its gate the capos quickly settled us into the Barrack there was shoving and jostling as if this were the ultimate Haven the gateway to life people trod over numbed bodies trampled wounded faces there were no cries only a few moans my father and I were thrown to the ground by this rolling tide from beneath me came a desperate cry you're crushing me have mercy the voice was familiar you're crushing me mercy have mercy the same faint voice the same cry I had heard somewhere before this voice had spoken to me one day when years ago no it must have been in the camp Mercy knowing that I was crushing him preventing him from breathing I wanted to get up and disengage myself to allow him to breathe but I myself was crushed under the weight of other bodies I had difficulty breathing I dug my nails into unknown faces I was biting my way through searching for air no one cried out suddenly I remembered the ick the boy from Warsaw who played the violin in the Buna Orchestra Juliette is that you Elisa the 25 whiplashes yes I remember he fell silent a long moment went by Juliette can you hear me Juliette yes he said feebly what do you want he was not dead are you all right Juliette I asked lest to know his answer than to hear him speak to know he was alive all right Elisa all right not too much air tired my feet are swollen it's good to rest but my violin I thought he'd lost his mind his violin here what about your violin he was gasping I I'm afraid they'll break my violin I I brought it with me I could not answer him someone had laid down on top of me smothering me I couldn't breathe through my mouth or my nose sweat was running down my forehead and my back this was it the end of the road a silent death suffocation no way to scream to call for help I tried to rid myself of my invisible assassin my whole desire to live became concentrated in my nails I scratched I fought for a breath of air I tore at decaying flesh that did not respond I could not free myself of that mass weighing down on my chest who knows was I struggling with a dead man I shall never know all I can say is that I prevailed I succeeded in digging a hole in that wall of dead and dying people a small hole through which I could drink a little air father are you there I asked as soon as I was able to utter a word I knew that he could not be far from me yes a voice replied from far away as if from another world I'm trying to sleep he was trying to sleep could one fall asleep here wasn't it dangerous to lower one's guard even for a moment when death could strike at any time those were my thoughts when I heard the sound of a violin a violin and a Dark Barrack where the dead were piled on top of the living who was this madman who played the violin here at the edge of his own grave or was it a hallucination it had to be Juliette he was playing a fragment of a Beethoven concerto never before had I heard such a beautiful sound in such silence how had he succeeded in disengaging himself to slip out from under my body without my feeling it the darkness enveloped us all I could hear was the violin and it was as if Julie X Soul had become his bow he was playing his life his whole being was Gliding Over the strings his unfulfilled hopes his charred passed his extinguished future he played that which he would never play again I shall never forget Juliet how could I forget this concert given before an audience of the dead and dying even today when I hear that particular piece by Beethoven my eyes close and out of the darkness emerges the pale and Melancholy face of my polish comrade bidding farewell to an audience of dying men I don't know how long he played I was overcome by sleep when I awoke at Daybreak I saw Juliette facing me hunched over dead next to him lay his violin trampled and eerily poignant little corpse we stayed in glyvids for three days days without food or water who were forbidden to leave the Barrack the door was guarded by the SS I was hungry and thirsty I must have been very dirty and disheveled to judge by what the others looked like the bread we had brought from Buna had been devoured long since and who knew when we would be given another ration the front followed us we could again hear the Cannons very close by we no longer had the strength or the courage to think that the Germans would run out of time that the Russians would reach us before we could be evacuated we learned that we would be moved to the center of Germany on the third day at dawn we were driven out of the Barrack we threw blankets over our shoulders like prayer shawls we were directed to a gate that divided the camp into a group of ss officers stood waiting a word flew through our ranks selection the SS officers were doing this election the week to the left those who walked well to the right my father was sent to the left I ran after him an SS officer shouted at my back come back I inched my way through the crowd several SS men rushed to find me creating such confusion that a number of people were able to switch over to the right among them my father and I still there were gunshots and some dead we were LED out of the camp after a half hour March we arrived in the very middle of a field crossed by railroad tracks this was where we were to wait for the Train's arrival snow was falling heavily we were forbidden to sit down or to move a thick layer of snow was accumulating on our blankets we were given bread the usual ration we threw ourselves on it someone had the idea of quenching his Thirst by eating snow soon we were all imitating him as we were not permitted to bend down we took out our spoons and ate the snow off our neighbor's backs a mouthful of bread and a spoonful of snow the SS men who were watching were greatly amused by the spectacle the hours went by our eyes were tired from staring at the Horizon waiting for the liberating train to appear it arrived only very late that evening an infinitely long train composed of Ruthless cattle cars the SS shoved us inside a hundred per car we were so skinny when everybody was on board the Convoy left pressed tightly against one another in an effort to resist the cold our heads empty and heavy our brains a whirlwind of decaying memories our minds numb with indifference here or elsewhere what did it matter died today or tomorrow or later the night was growing longer never ending when at last a grayish light appeared on the horizon it revealed a tangle of human shapes heads sunk deeply between the shoulders crouching piled one on top of the other like a cemetery covered with snow in the early Dawn light I tried to distinguish between the living and those who were no more but there was barely a difference my gaze remained fixed on someone who Eyes Wide Open stared into space his colorless face was covered with a layer of frost and snow my father had huddled near me draped in his blanket shoulders Laden with snow and what if he were dead as well I called out to him no response I would have screamed if I could have he was not moving suddenly the evidence overwhelmed me there was no longer any reason to live any reason to fight the train stopped in an empty field the abrupt halt had awakened a few slavers they stood looking around startled outside the SS walked by shouting throw out all the dead outside all the Corpses the living were glad they would have more room volunteers began the task they touched those who had remained on the ground here's one take him volunteers undressed him and eagerly shared his garments then two gravediggers grabbed him by the head and feet and threw him from the wagon like a sack of flower they were all shouting around come on here's another my neighbor he's not moving I woke from apathy only when two men approached my father I threw myself on his body he was cold I slapped him I rubbed his hands crying father father wake up they're going to throw you outside his body remained inert the two gravediggers had grabbed me by the neck leave him alone can't you see that he's dead no I yelled he's not dead not yet and I started to hit him harder and harder at last my father half opened his eyes they were glassy he was breathing faintly you see I cried the two men went away 20 corpses were thrown from our wagon then the train resumed its Journey leaving in its wake in a snowy field in Poland hundreds of naked orphans without a tomb we received no food we lived on snow it took the place of bread the days resembled the nights and the nights left in our souls the dregs of their Darkness the train rolled slowly often halted for a few hours and continued it never stopped snowing we remained lying on the floor for days and nights one on top of the other never uttering a word we were nothing but frozen bodies our eyes closed we merely waited for the next stop to unload our dead there followed days and nights of traveling occasionally we would pass through German towns usually very early in the morning German laborers were going to work they would stop and look at us without surprise one day when we had come to a stop a worker took a piece of bread out of his bag and threw it into a wagon there was a stampede dozens of starving men fought desperately over a few crumbs the worker watched the spectacle with great interest years later I witnessed a similar spectacle in Adam our ship's passengers amused themselves by throwing coins to the natives who Dove to retrieve them An Elegant Parisian lady took great pleasure in this game when I noticed two children desperately fighting in the water one trying to strangle the other I implored the lady please don't throw away any more coins why not said she I like to give charity in the wagon where the bread had landed a battle had ensued men were hurling themselves against each other trampling tearing at and mauling each other beasts of prey Unleashed animal hate in their eyes an extraordinary Vitality possessed them sharpening their teeth and nails a crowd of workmen and curious passers-by had formed all along the train they had undoubtedly never seen a train with this kind of cargo soon pieces of bread were falling into the wagons from all sides Spectators observed these emaciated creatures ready to kill for a crust of bread a piece fell into our wagon I decided not to move anyway I knew that I would not be strong enough to fight off dozens of Violent Men I saw not far from me an old man dragging himself on all fours he had just detached himself from the struggling mob he was holding one hand to his heart at first I thought he had received a blow to his chest then I understood he was hiding a piece of bread under his shirt with lightning speed he pulled it out and put it to his mouth his eyes lit up a smile like a Grimace illuminated his Ashen face and was immediately extinguished a shadow had laid down beside him and this Shadow threw itself over him stunned by the blows the old man was crying Mir my little mirror don't you recognize me you're killing your father I have bread for you too for you too he collapsed but his fist was still clutching the small crust he wanted to raise it to his mouth but the other threw himself on him the old man mumbled something groaned and died nobody cared his son searched him took the crust of bread and began to devour it he didn't get far two men had been watching him they jumped him others joined in when they withdrew there were two dead bodies next to me the father and the son I was 16. in our wagon there was a friend of my father's meerkats he had worked as a gardener in Buna from time to time and had brought us some green vegetables less undernourished than the rest of us detention had been easier on him because he was stronger than most of us he had been put in charge of our wagon on the third night of our journey I woke up with a start when I felt two hands on my throat trying to strangle me I barely had time to call out father just that one word I was suffocating but my father had awakened and grabbed my aggressor too weak to overwhelm him he thought of calling meerkats come come quickly someone is strangling my son in a few moments I was freed I never did find out why this stranger had wanted to strangle me but Days Later meerkats told my father I'm getting weak my strength is gone I won't make it don't give in my father tried to encourage him you must resist don't lose faith in yourself but meerkats only groaned in response I can't go on I can't help it I can't go on my father took his arm and meerkats the strong one the sturdiest of us all began to cry his son had been taken from him during the first election but only now was he crying for him only now did he fall apart he could not go on he had reached the end on the last day of our journey a terrible wind began to blow and the snow kept falling we sensed that the end was near the real end we could not hold out long in this glacial wind the storm somebody got up and yelled we must not remain sitting we shall freeze to death let's get up and move we all got up we all pulled our soaked blankets tighter around our shoulders and we tried to take a few steps to shuffle back and forth in place suddenly a cry Rose in the wagon The Cry of a wounded animal someone had just died others close to death imitated his cry and their cry seemed to come from Beyond the Grave soon everybody was crying groaning moaning cries of distress hurled into the wind and the snow the lament spread from wagon to Wagon it was contagious and now hundreds of cries Rose at once the death rattle of an entire Convoy with the end approaching all boundaries had been crossed nobody had any strength left and the night seemed endless meerkats was moaning why don't they just shoot us now that same night we reached our destination it was late the guards came to unload us the dead were left in the wagons only those who could stand could leave meerkats remained on the train the last day had been the most lethal we had been a hundred or so in this wagon 12 of us left in it among them my father and myself we had arrived in buchenwald at the entrance to the camp SS officers were waiting for us we were counted then we were directed to the Apple plots the orders were given over the loudspeakers form ranks of fives groups of 100 five steps forward I tightened my grip on my father's hand the old familiar fear not to lose him very close to us stood the tall chimney of the crematorium's furnace it no longer impressed us it barely drew our attention a veteran of buchenwald told us that we would be taking a shower and afterward be sent to different blocks the idea of a hot shower fascinated me my father didn't say a word he was breathing heavily beside me father I said just another moment soon we'll be able to lie down you'll be able to rest he didn't answer I myself was so weary that his silence left me indifferent my only wish was to take the shower as soon as possible and lie down on a cot only it wasn't easy to reach the showers hundreds of prisoners crowded the area the guard seemed unable to restore order they were lashing out left and right to no avail some prisoners who didn't have the strength to jostle or even to stand sat down in the snow my father wanted to do the same he was moaning I can't anymore it's over I shall die right here he dragged me toward a pile of snow from which protruded human shapes torn blankets leave me he said I can't go on anymore have pity on me I'll wait here until we can go into the showers you'll come and get me I could have screamed in Anger to have lived and endured so much was I going to let my father die now now that we would be able to take a good hot shower and lie down father I held father get up right now you will kill yourself and I grabbed his arm he continued to moan don't yell my son have pity on your old father let me rest here a little I beg of you I'm so tired no more strength he had become childlike weak frightened vulnerable father I said you cannot stay here I pointed to the corpses around him They too had wanted to rest here I see my son I do see them let them sleep they haven't closed an eye for so long they're exhausted exhausted his voice was tender I howled into the wind they're dead they will never wake up never do you understand this discussion continued for some time I knew that I was no longer arguing with him but with death itself with death that he had already chosen the sirens began to wail alert the Lights Went Out in the entire Camp the guards chased us toward the blocks in a Flash there was no one left outside we were only too glad not to have to stay outside any longer in the freezing wind we let ourselves sink into the floor the cauldrons at the entrance found no takers there were several tiers of bunks to sleep was all that mattered when I woke up it was Daylight that is when I remembered that I had a father during the alert I had followed the mob not taking care of him I knew he was running out of strength close to death and yet I had abandoned him I went to look for him yet at the same time a thought crept into my mind if only I didn't find him if only I were relieved of this responsibility I could use all my strength to fight for my own Survival to take care only of myself instantly I felt ashamed ashamed of myself forever I walked for hours without finding him then I came to a block where they were Distributing black coffee people stood in line quarreled a plaintiff voice came from behind me a leisure my son bring me a little coffee I ran toward Him Father I've been looking for you for so long where were you did you sleep how are you feeling he seemed to be burning with fever I fought my way to the coffee cauldron like a wild beast and I succeeded in bringing him back a cup I took one gulp the rest was for him I shall never forget the Gratitude that's shown in his eyes when he swallowed this beverage the Gratitude of a wounded animal but these few mouthfuls of hot water I had probably given him more satisfaction than during my entire childhood he was lying on the boards Ashen his lips pale and dry shivering I couldn't stay with him any longer we had been ordered to go outside to allow for cleaning of the blocks only the sick could remain inside we stayed outside for five hours we were given soup when they allowed us to return to the blocks I rushed toward my father did you eat no why they didn't give us anything they said that we were sick that we would die soon that it would be a waste of food I can't go on I gave him what was left of my soup but my heart was heavy I was aware that I was doing it grudgingly just like Rabbi eliyahu's son I had not passed the test every day my father was getting weaker his eyes were watery his face the color of dead leaves on the third day after we arrived in buchenwald everybody had to go to the showers even the sick who were instructed to go last when we returned from the showers we had to wait outside a long time the cleaning of the blocks had not been completed from afar I saw my father and ran to meet him he went by me like a shadow passing me without stopping without a glance I called to him he did not turn around I ran after him father where are you running he looked at me for a moment his gaze was distant otherworldly the face of a stranger it lasted only a moment and then he ran away suffering from dysentery my father was prostrate on his cot with another five sick inmates nearby I sat next to him watching him I no longer dared to believe that he could still elude death I did all I could to give him hope all of a sudden he sat up and placed his feverish lips against my ear Lisa I must tell you where I buried the gold and silver and the seller you know and he began talking faster and faster afraid of running out of time before he could tell me everything I tried to tell him that it was not over yet that we would be going home together but he no longer wanted to listen to me he could no longer listen to me he was worn out saliva mixed with blood was trickling from his lips he had closed his eyes he was gasping more than breathing for a ration of bread I was able to exchange cots to be next to my father when the doctor arrived in the afternoon I went to tell him that my father was very ill bring him here I explained that he could not stand up but the doctor would not listen and so with great difficulty I brought my father to him he stared at him then asked curtly what do you want my father's sick I answered in his place dysentery that's not my business I'm a surgeon go on make room for the others my protests were in vain I can't go on my son take me back to my bunk I took him back and helped him lie down he was shivering try to get some sleep father try to fall asleep his breathing was labored his eyes were closed but I was convinced that he was seeing everything that he was seeing the truth in all things another doctor came to the block my father refused to get up he knew that it would be of no use in fact that doctor had come only to finish off the patients I listened to him shouting at them that they were lazy good for nothings who only wanted to stay in bed I considered jumping him strangling him but I had neither the courage nor the strength I was riveted to my father's Agony my hands were aching I was clenching them so hard strangle the doctor and the others to set the whole world on fire my father's murderers but even the cry stuck in my throat on my return from the bread distribution I found my father crying like a child my son they're beating me who I thought it was delirious him the Frenchman and the Paul they beat me one more stab to the heart one more reason to hate One Less Reason To Live the leisure Elisa tell them not to beat me I haven't done anything why are they beating me I began to insult his neighbors and they mocked me I promised them Bread soup they laughed then they got angry they could not stand my father any longer they said because he no longer was able to drag himself outside to relieve himself the following day he complained that they had taken his ration of bread while you were asleep no I wasn't asleep they threw themselves on me they snatched it from me my bread and they beat me again I can't go on my son give me some water I knew that he must not drink but he pleaded with me so long that I gave in water was the worst poison for him but what else could I do for him with or without water it would be over soon anyway you at least have pity on me have pity on him his only son a week went by like that is this your father ask the block call test yes he's very sick the doctor won't do anything for him he looked me straight in the eye the doctor cannot do anything more for him and neither can you he placed his big hairy hand on my shoulder and added listen to me kid don't forget that you are in a concentration camp in this place it's every man for himself and you cannot think of others not even your father in this place there's no such thing as father brother friend each of us lives and dies alone let me give you good advice stop giving your ration of bread and soup to your old father you cannot help him anymore and you're hurting yourself in fact you should be getting his rations I listened to him without interrupting he was right I thought deep down not daring to admit it to myself too late to save your old father you could have two rations of bread two rations of soup it was only a fraction of a second but it left me feeling guilty I ran to get some soup and brought it to my father but he did not want it all he wanted was water don't drink water eat the soup I'm burning up why are you so mean to me my son water I brought him water then I left the block for roll call but I quickly turned back I lay down on the upper bunk the sick were allowed to stay in the block so I would be sick I didn't want to leave my father all around me there was silence now broken only by moaning in front of the block the SS were giving orders an officer passed between the bunks my father was pleading Sun water I'm burning up my insights silence over there Bart's the officer Elisa continued my father water the officer came closer and shouted to him to be silent but my father did not hear he continued to call me the officer wielded his club and dealt him a violent Blow To The Head I didn't move I was afraid my body was afraid of another blow this time to my head my father groaned once more I'd heard Elisa I could see that he was still breathing in gasps I didn't move when I came down from my bunk after roll call I could see his lips trembling he was murmuring something I remained more than an hour leaning over him looking at him etching his bloody broken face into my mind then I had to go to sleep I climbed into my bunk above my father who was still alive the day was January 28th 1945. I woke up at dawn on January 29th on my father's cot there lay another sick person they must have taken him away before Daybreak and taken him to the crematorium perhaps he was still breathing no prayers were set over his tomb no candle lit in his memory his last word had been my name he had called out to me and I had not answered I did not weep and it pained me that I could not weep but I was out of Tears and deep inside me if I could have searched the recesses of my feeble conscience I might have found something like free at last I remained in buchenwald until April 11th I shall not describe my life during that period it no longer mattered since my father's death nothing mattered to me anymore I was transferred to the children's block where there were 600 of us the front was coming closer I spent my days in total idleness with only one desire to eat I no longer thought of my father or my mother from time to time I would dream but only about soup an extra ration of soup on April 5th the wheel of History turned it was late afternoon we were standing inside the block waiting for an SS to come and count us he was late such lateness was unprecedented in the history of buchenwald something must have happened two hours later the loudspeakers transmitted an order from the camp commandant all Jews were to gather in the Apple plots this was the end Hitler was about to keep his promise the children of our block did as ordered there was no choice Gustav the blockout test made it clear with his Club but on our way we met some prisoners who whispered to us go back to your block the Germans planned to shoot you go back and don't move we returned to the block on our way there we learned that the underground resistance of the camp had made the decision not to abandon the Jews and to prevent their liquidation as it was getting late and the confusion was great countless Jews had been passing as non-jews the legarl test had decided that a general roll call would take place the next day everybody would have to be present the roll call took place the leg or commandant announced that the buchenwald camp would be liquidated 10 blocks of inmates would be evacuated every day from that moment on there was no further distribution of bread and soup and the evacuation began every day a few thousand inmates passed the Camp's gate and did not return on April 10th there were still some twenty thousand prisoners in the camp among them a few hundred children it was decided to evacuate all of us at once by evening afterward they would blow up the camp and so we were herded onto the huge oppa plots in ranks of five waiting for the gate to open suddenly the sirens began to scream alert we went back to the blocks it was too late to evacuate us that evening the evacuation was postponed to the next day hunger was tormenting us we had not eaten for nearly six days except for a few stalks of grass and some potato peels found on the grounds of the kitchens at 10 o'clock in the morning the SS took positions throughout the camp and began to herd the last of us toward the Apple plots the resistance movement decided at that point to act armed men appeared from everywhere bursts of gunshots grenades exploding we the children remained flat on the floor of the block the battle did not last long around noon everything was calm again the SS had fled and the resistance had taken charge of the camp at six o'clock that afternoon the first American Tank stood at the gates of buchenwald our First Act is free men was to throw ourselves onto the provisions that's all we thought about no thought of Revenge or of parents only of bread and even when we were no longer hungry not one of us thought of Revenge the next day a few of the young men ran into Weimar to bring back some potatoes and clothes and to sleep with girls but still no trace of Revenge three days after the liberation of buchenwald I became very ill some form of poisoning I was transferred to a hospital and spent two weeks between life and death one day when I was able to get up I decided to look at myself in the mirror on the opposite wall I had not seen myself since the ghetto that from the depths of the mirror a corpse was contemplating me the look in his eyes as he gazed at me has never left me [Music]