how to talk to anyone by Leo Louns is one of the most practical books for mastering human connection the book shares 92 little techniques to build better relationships by making people feel seen heard and drawn to you without being fake a quick note before we dive in this video is created in cooperation with another book summary channel called Antidote if you enjoy this video and would like to see more summaries similar to this one then check them out link in the description part one you only have 10 seconds to show you're a somebody more than 80% of someone's first impression of you comes from how you look and how you move not what you say in those first few seconds your posture energy and body language send loud signals confident nervous forgettable impressive it happens fast and it happens automatically so how do you make that first snapshot work in your favor technique one make your smile feel personal a smile can say more than a thousand words but only if it's the right kind of smile see not all smiles are equal a nervous giggle weak a fast flash feels fake a tight polite expression cold to really connect to make someone feel like they matter don't smile the instant you see them that makes it feel automatic like you'd smile at anyone who crosses your path whether you're meeting someone at a networking event walking into a room or just running into an old friend pause for just a second look at their face take them in let them feel seen then and only then let your smile appear that tiny delay does something powerful it makes your smile feel real personal earned meant just for them and people feel that in fact that half-second pause can make the difference between a nice and wow I felt a connection because when your smile doesn't feel automatic it feels authentic technique two hold eye contact a little longer want to come across as more intelligent trustworthy and charismatic without saying a word use your eyes research shows that people who maintain steady eye contact during conversation are seen as more competent and confident because real focus is rare most people glance nod shift and blink through conversations but if you want to stand out you maintain eye contact the idea imagine your eyes holding theirs like Velcro soft but hard to pull away you don't just watch while they speak you hold their eyes a moment longer even after they've finished and when it's time to look away don't break eye contact too suddenly let it drift gently like a ribbon slowly coming loose this small act creates a big impression it makes people feel truly seen it builds a quiet sense of connection and in a world full of distractions that kind of attention leaves a mark technique three make someone feel seen in a crowd imagine you're standing in a small group at a party someone's telling a story but your attention is elsewhere across the circle one person catches your eye you're watching how she reacts not staring just holding her eyes a moment longer than expected she notices you don't say anything but the message is clear you're the one I'm paying attention to even in a crowd you stand out that quiet focus stays it stirs something because sometimes connection doesn't start with words it starts with a look that doesn't let go and science backs it up studies in non-verbal communication show that sustained eye contact increases heart rate raises levels of fenylthylamine the brain chemical linked to feelings of love and desire and triggers emotional arousal in other words that steady eye contact triggers a real physical response it builds attraction and emotional intensity but a word of warning used wrong this can backfire if there's no mutual interest it comes off as intense awkward even a little arrogant so pay attention to their vibe a softer way to use it maintain normal eye contact during the conversation but after the speaker finishes a point turn your focus back to your target and let it rest on them for a moment it's subtle it's strategic and when it works they really feel it technique four use posture to project confidence confidence isn't just something you feel it's something people see before you even open your mouth when you're feeling good your body shows it automatically your head lifts shoulders roll back chest opens up and just like that you project confidence presence and self-respect without saying a word but what if you're not feeling it what if you're nervous tense or just tired that's where posture becomes your secret weapon because the way you hold yourself doesn't just reflect how you feel it can actually change how you feel good posture makes you look more powerful but it also makes you feel more powerful so here's a trick to lock it in every time you walk through a doorway imagine there's a leather strap hanging just above your head now bite down on it yep seriously picture yourself grabbing it with your teeth it's just high enough that it pulls your head up straightens your spine rolls back your shoulders and lifts your whole frame into alignment it's a small mental cue but it creates a full body reset and if you do it often enough your posture shifts automatically you'll start walking into every room looking calm composed and quietly confident technique five give them your whole presence you never get a second chance to make a first impression and most of that impression happens before you even speak when you meet someone new your body language tells them everything how you see them and how they should feel about you that impression starts the second they lay eyes on you so next time you're introduced to someone don't just turn your head turn your whole body toward them face them fully like they're the only person in the room and then smile not a quick polite one give them the kind of smile you'd give a little kid who just ran up looked up at you and smiled up at you why does this work because it taps into something deep no matter how old or successful we get we all crave that kind of attention focused undivided personal and when you give it when you pivot fully towards someone you're not just being polite you're saying something without words you matter you have my full attention most people don't get that kind of presence especially from strangers and that's exactly why it hits so hard technique six treat strangers like old friends trying to apply all the techniques you've just learned can feel awkward at first you're thinking about your posture your smile your eye contact and suddenly instead of coming off confident you look tense distracted and even a little cold so how do you stay natural while using everything you've learned here's a mindset shift that changes everything act as if the person in front of you is an old friend not just someone familiar but someone you really missed a close friend you haven't seen in years someone you're genuinely happy to see again just picture that feeling and watch what happens to your body your eyebrows soften your posture opens up your tone becomes warmer and even your toes turn toward them as your whole body leans in you don't need to fake anything your brain does it for you because how you think shapes how you move when you feel warmth you show warmth and the person across from you feels it too but here's the best part this isn't just for them it helps you too according to research in social psychology when you act like you like someone you actually start to like them more that's a self-fulfilling prophecy and it works so next time you meet someone new especially when you feel out of place use this trick greet them like an old friend technique seven steady body strong presence if you want to be taken seriously your body has to match your words because if you're fidgeting people notice shifting in your seat touching your face scratching your head all of it sends a silent message i'm unsure even if you're calm inside fidgeting tells a different story psychologists have found that people instinctively associate fidgeting with lying nervousness or insecurity even if that's not what's really going on that's why in big moments like job interviews negotiations or presentations your best move is simple don't move let your nose itch let your collar feel tight let your foot fall asleep if it has to because how you hold yourself holds their attention touch your face you look nervous break eye contact you look unsure keep adjusting your clothes you look unprepared but when you stay still calm quiet focused people trust you more you look confident grounded in control even under pressure technique eight read the room in real time there was once a horse named Hans who could do math at least that's what people thought they'd ask him a question like "What's 3 plus 2?" And Hans would tap his hoof five times right on Q crowds were stunned scientists were impressed until they discovered the truth hans wasn't solving math problems he was reading people he picked up on subtle reactions a shift in someone's face a twitch of anticipation a sign of approval and that's when he'd stop tapping he didn't need to know the answer he just needed their body language now if a horse can do that you definitely can too while you're speaking stay on a dual track keep expressing yourself but also watch how people react are they nodding leaning in checking their phone looking confused these signals tell you more than their words ever will and when you notice them you can adjust slow down speed up add a story ask a question whatever the moment needs that's what great communicators do they don't just talk they tune in and once you develop that sensitivity people will say "You always seem to know just what to say you're incredibly intuitive." Technique nine play the scene in your head first before stepping onto the court elite athletes don't just warm up their bodies they warm up their minds they visualize every move the dribble the pass the crowd the final shot they see it hear it feel it before it even happens and the craziest part their brains fire as if it's already real practicing in your mind prepares your nervous system to perform better and the same goes for you in any social setting before you walk into that room for a meeting a party or an event take a moment to visualize who you want to be see yourself walking in with strong posture feel the confidence of your smile picture yourself making eye contact shaking hands speaking with ease visualize that version of you and it works because your brain doesn't always distinguish between real and imagined experiences so when you visualize that version of you and the moment finally comes your body relaxes your voice comes out smoother you speak with better timing and people feel your presence that's the core of this technique visualize your best self then let your actions match that image you don't need to fake anything you just need to see it first and the rest will follow part two what do I say after I say hello you've made a strong first impression now what most people freeze after hi they overthink what to say next but the secret isn't saying something brilliant it's sounding natural confident and curious in this part you'll learn how to keep any conversation going without awkward silences or fake small talk technique 10: Match their mood first picture this you're at a networking event you turn to the person next to you ready to say something but he's quiet eyes down phone in hand no energy you were about to make a joke but something tells you to pause that instinct that's the mood match we've all been there trying to start a conversation with someone new and not knowing what to say you think "Should I comment on the food ask what they do?" That's the small talk phase it's how we start conversations not deep or meaningful but a bridge to something more real but here's a powerful shift in mindset small talk isn't about what you say it's about how you make people feel and the fastest way to make someone feel comfortable is to match their mood before you say anything take a second to scan their energy are they upbeat and bubbly calm and serious quiet and withdrawn then mirror it just enough to show you're on the same page not fake not exaggerated just tuned in because real connection starts with emotional alignment people instinctively trust those who feel in sync with them in tone pace and energy it's like music if someone's humming a soft melody and you come in blasting heavy metal it breaks the mood but if you match their tune even briefly you build harmony then gently you can guide the rhythm that's what great communicators do they don't force the moment they match it and then lead technique 11 it's not what you say it's how you walk into a room meet someone new and your mind goes blank you don't have a clever line no deep insight just nice weather today and that's okay because you don't need the perfect opening line you just need to sound like you actually care people don't remember the words they remember the vibe the energy the way you made the moment feel even a basic comment can land if it comes with warmth and presence when two strangers meet there's tension a little wall of mistrust but if you bring relaxed energy and genuine curiosity that wall starts to fall that's what makes you feel interesting even before the conversation gets interesting and when they respond with something clever or playful match it because good conversations don't start with brilliance they start with presence technique 12 use your outfit to invite curiosity want people to start conversations with you instead of the other way around make it easy for them wear something that invites curiosity not flashy not loud just unexpected a strange necklace a t-shirt with a clever phrase a ring that looks like it has a story something that makes people stop and ask "Hey that's cool what is it?" It's a simple social trigger that lowers the barrier between strangers it gives people a reason to approach without feeling awkward when you give someone an easy opening you've already made things smoother for both of you this creates opportunities your what's it says i'm open it's okay to talk to me so before your next event don't just plan your outfit plan your conversation bait technique 13 have someone introduce you you walk into a room and spot someone you'd love to talk to but instead of hanging back or awkwardly waiting for the right moment you ask the host "Hey who's that?" Then follow up with "Can you introduce me?" It's simple and way more natural than trying to force a moment even better before the introduction ask a couple of questions what do they do what are they into that gives you built-in icebreers so when you walk up it's not a cold start it works because it warms things up before you even join the conversation it signals confidence without forcing anything and it shows respect both for the person you're meeting and the one making the connection you're not interrupting you're being invited big difference technique 14 jump in by listening first sometimes there's no host to introduce you nothing that invites curiosity just a tight circle deep in conversation no problem stand nearby listen in and when the moment's right step up and say "Hey I couldn't help but over here and I'm actually really into that topic too mind if I join in?" It's bold but it works because most people welcome new energy as long as it's relevant and respectful you're not interrupting you're building on the topic you're showing curiosity not forcing attention sure they might be surprised for a second then someone makes room the circle opens a bit and just like that you're in so don't hang back waiting for a perfect opening if you hear something interesting step in and join technique 15 don't give one-word answers there are two questions you'll hear in almost every conversation where are you from what do you do and most people answer them the same way paris graphic designer not much to work with right and that's the problem the conversation dies right there so here's the fix never give a naked answer dress it up if someone asks where you're from don't just drop the name add something they can respond to i'm from Paris just near Mom where all the street artists are now they've got something to respond to like is that near Sakraur you've just made it easier for them to keep the conversation going and you look like a great conversationalist the trick adjust your detail to your audience if they're into food mention your city's best local dish if they're into sports drop a team name it's a simple way to make connection easier technique 16 make your job sound interesting someone asks "What do you do?" You say "I'm a developer." And just like that the conversation ends not because your job is boring but because your answer gave them nothing to work with so never give a naked job title instead of just naming your role give them a taste of what it actually means i'm a developer i help startups turn raw ideas into clean fast apps that detail gives people something to ask about it invites curiosity it creates connection because unless they're in your industry your job title doesn't mean much so don't drop a label and expect engagement paint a picture make it real technique 17 add context when you introduce people there's a right way to introduce people and then there's the lazy way lazy sounds like this hey Alex meet Sarah silence awkward nods two polite smiles and nothing to go on here's how to do it right never introduce people without context give them something to build on alex helped me launch my podcast he's a genius with sound sarah's an illustrator her work's got this wild surrealist vibe now they've got common ground something to start with so whether it's at a party a meeting or a casual coffee shop meetup don't throw people together and hope for the best add a hook mention a hobby a strength or something they share because a strong intro sets people up to connect technique 18 listen for hidden clues in what they say most people don't say what they want to talk about they hint at it and your job is to catch those hints if someone says "I'm buried in deadlines." That's not just small talk that's a door you could say "Sounds intense what kind of work are you doing right now?" That one line just turned a dead end into a real conversation the trick is simple listen for the words they drop without thinking a project a trip a win or something that's stressing them out these aren't random they're signals people light up when you catch them because it means you're paying attention it means the spotlight stays on them and that's where most people feel safest don't force a new topic don't overthink it just listen closely pick up the clue and follow the thread you don't need a new topic you just need to dig deeper into the one they already gave you technique 19 let the spotlight be on them you want to be interesting let the other person feel interesting when you meet someone picture a giant spotlight between you when you talk the lights on you when they talk the lights on them now here's the move keep the spotlight on them ask good questions say their name once echo back what they just said follow up with curiosity and they'll feel seen heard and valued even if you barely say a word the best part they'll walk away thinking you were great to talk to because people remember how you made them feel far more than what you said so next time you meet someone new don't rush to talk turn the spotlight and let them shine technique 20 paring you're talking to someone and then silence nothing you nod they pause you've got nothing here's your rescue move repeat their last word or phrase like a parrot imagine this i just got back from Argentina argentina yeah i spent two weeks hiking the Andes it was unreal that one word keeps the spotlight on them keeps the flow going and shows you're genuinely listening it works because people naturally open up when they feel heard you're not forcing the topic you're just inviting more technique 21 encore want to energize a group or keep a conversation alive without doing all the talking use this move ask someone to retell one of their best stories tell them about that time you got lost in Tokyo it's too good people love reliving stories where they felt admired clever or bold it boosts their confidence it lifts the whole group's mood and it makes you look generous like someone who sees the best in others this works especially well when you're introducing someone to new people instead of small talk they get to jump right into a moment where they shine technique 22 accentuate the positive when you meet someone for the first time leave the regrets and traffic complaints at the door you don't have to prove how real or raw you can be just keep it light and keep it positive mention something that went well today smile when you speak people can hear it in your voice why does it work because positivity is contagious when you highlight what's good you give people permission to feel good too with you that's the vibe they'll associate with your presence and they'll want more of it save the skeletons for later if they ever need to come out right now your job is simple accentuate the positive let the negative wait technique 23 have a fun fact ready when you head to a party or networking event don't just bring your business cards bring something to talk about scan the news skim a trending article grab a fun fact or two you only need one or two things in your back pocket to save a conversation when it starts to slow like did you hear about the guy who built the house out of recycled wine bottles and just like that you've got an instant icebreaker it works because most people hate awkward silences but few come prepared you show up with something light relevant or surprising and suddenly you're the one keeping things flowing part three how to talk like the big boys and girls once the small talk ends the real test begins people stop focusing on what you say and start judging how you say it your tone your timing your presence that's how they decide where you land on the social ladder this section teaches you how to speak with confidence and control you'll learn how to sound credible grounded and worth listening to in meetings dates or any important conversation technique 24 ask better questions than what do you do you've just met someone new there's a pause and then it comes out so what do you do it's boring transactional and for a lot of people it's awkward there are better ways to learn what someone's about try asking "How do you spend most of your time these days?" These feel more human more curious and they give people space to define themselves on their own terms not just by their job title when you do that people remember that you made them feel seen not judged technique 25 sum up what you do in one sentence so you didn't ask "What do you do?" Good now be ready when they ask you you need a nutshell resume one sentence that sums up what you do who you help and why it matters not a job title not a monologue just this i help entrepreneurs turn bland websites into sales machines and that's clear it's useful and most importantly it invites curiosity here's the trick adjust your answer based on who you're talking to if you're speaking to a potential client highlight the value if you're speaking to a potential friend highlight the fun that's how you make it land technique 26 upgrade the words you use want to sound more intelligent without trying harder start by upgrading your vocabulary not with big complicated words with better words sharper more specific more alive don't say good say brilliant spot-on well-crafted or insightful don't say nice try generous gracious or thoughtful you only need about 50 upgraded words to move from average to exceptional start by spotting the words you overuse then build your personal thesaurus a go-to list of replacements that feel more you and just like new shoes try them out see what fits great communicators don't just use words they choose them with precision personality and impact so start swapping one word a day and in 2 months you'll sound like the smartest person in the room without saying a single complicated thing technique 27 kill the quick me too you're in a conversation and someone says something you relate to your first instinct you can't help but jump in me too but hold up if you want to build real connection don't rush to reveal the common ground let them enjoy telling their story encourage them to keep going show curiosity give them the spotlight then once they've had their moment mention the shared interest why because jumping in too quickly can make you seem overly eager or worse like you're trying too hard to belong but when you hold back just a little your connection feels more grounded more genuine it's the difference between "Oh my god I love that too." And something slower like "That sounds amazing what got you into it?" Then later you know what's funny i actually do that too that timing changes everything so next time bite your tongue let them go first technique 28 communication here's one of the simplest ways to instantly become more likable start your sentences with you not I why because everyone's favorite topic is themselves when you lead with you you tap directly into their world and they feel it instead of saying "I love that dress," say "You look amazing in that dress." Instead of "I found this great Italian restaurant," try "You'd love this Italian place want to check it out tonight that one small shift shows you're focused on them not just talking at them even in writing it works change i had a great time at your party to you really threw a great party the other night it's warmer more personal and way more effective especially when asking for favors pitching ideas or building a real connection technique 29 don't smile at everyone the same way a smile is powerful but only when it feels personal if you give the same smile to everyone it quickly becomes background noise it feels rehearsed automatic meaningless but when your smile feels like it's just for them that's when it lands here's how you do it don't rush it let your smile arrive with a pause a moment of eye contact maybe a tiny head tilt as if this person just made your day that tells them "I don't smile like this for everyone but for you." Yeah this is the difference between a catalog model with the same frozen smile on every page and a real person who reacts with warmth presence and nuance and if you're in a group but want to connect with one person more than the others save your warmest most genuine smile for them that one gesture says more than words ever could technique 30 avoid cliches say it your way clichess don't just sound lazy they make you sound lazy phrases like "It is what it is," or "At the end of the day," might sound safe but they also sound flat they make people stop listening before you've even said anything meaningful great communicators don't rely on recycled lines they speak in images in moments in things you can feel not templates instead of saying "I was over the moon," try something more personal like "I was smiling like I just won the lottery." It paints a picture it sounds like you and it makes people lean in not check out so next time you're tempted to grab a tired phrase pause say it your way because original phrasing signals original thinking technique 31 speak in phrases that stick want to sound clever sharp and charismatic even in everyday conversations then talk like a jawsmith not a wordssmith that's someone who writes well but a jawsmith speaks well they craft phrases that pop stick and land with impact great speakers don't use fancier words just better phrasing they use rhythm metaphor and contrast to make simple ideas unforgettable instead of "I was really nervous," say "I felt like I was walking a tight rope over a shark tank." Instead of she's smart try she's got a brain that runs faster than Google lines like these paint pictures and people remember pictures so build your own little collection funny lines sharp turns of phrase lines that stick memorize a few invent a few let them roll off your tongue when the moment feels right just make sure they're relevant because when humor and insight come together people lean in they smile and they listen longer technique 32 be direct not vague ever catch yourself softening your words to sound polite like saying "Yeah it's challenging." instead of just saying "It's difficult." Or calling someone financially comfortable when you really mean rich you do it because you think it sounds nicer but avoiding clear words doesn't make you polite it makes you vague and vague doesn't build trust when you hide behind euphemisms you don't sound considerate you sound unsure if something is hard say it's hard if a deal fell apart say it not that it evolved people respect clarity it shows you're confident honest that doesn't mean you need to be rude it just means stop dressing your message in fluff because when your words are clear your intent is clear and in communication clarity is credibility technique 33 don't joke at someone else's expense ever made a joke that got a laugh but left someone a little quiet that's the danger of teasing it might seem harmless even fun but when the punchline comes at someone else's expense it usually backfires sure you might get a quick laugh but at what cost you risk looking insecure or worse like someone who tries to feel bigger by making others feel smaller especially when you're around new people teasing is a gamble what you see as playful might feel like an attack to someone else you might mean it as a light joke but they might hear it as criticism or even a warning this person might laugh at me next the truth is confident people don't need to poke fun to connect they build connection through respect not mockery they earn trust first and joke later once they know the relationship is strong enough to handle it so skip the sarcasm instead of going for the cheap laugh go for something real a genuine comment a shared experience or a simple question it makes people feel safe around you and that's what really makes you someone they want to be around technique 34 focus on how your words are received delivering bad news isn't the problem it's how you deliver it that makes all the difference you might think you're just stating facts being honest or keeping things neutral but in communication your intention doesn't matter nearly as much as the other person's interpretation people don't respond to logic they respond to how it feels so next time you have to deliver bad news feedback or anything emotionally loaded don't just focus on getting it off your chest focus on the impact on the other person watch their reaction are they tensing up fidgeting going quiet that's the sign it's time to adjust slow down soften your tone add a little warmth or empathy even if the message itself can't be softened because how you deliver the message determines how well they hear it think of it like passing a ball a good thrower doesn't just send it in a straight line they aim for the receiver they match the pace and the distance same with communication it only lands when it's delivered in a way they can receive so before you speak ask yourself where are they emotionally right now that's what great communicators do they don't just speak they deliver technique 35 stand your ground with calm repetition you've already said no you've already explained but the other person keeps circling back pushing prying pressing for more from you that's when the pressure starts to rise most people either give in lose their composure or start overexlaining don't instead do what highle communicators do pick your response and repeat it word for word same tone no new explanations no added emotion just the same line i've already shared where I stand and say nothing let the silence speak it's calm it's clear and it works this subtle repetition sends a powerful message i'm grounded i've already answered i'm not budging because you're not escalating it doesn't invite conflict just quiet persistence eventually the pressure fades and the conversation shifts used well this is one of the most respectful and effective tools to protect your time energy and peace without raising your voice or breaking the connection technique 36 respect don't idolize you meet someone you admire a best-selling author a CEO a celebrity your heart's beating fast your brain's racing you want to say something anything that doesn't come off as awkward so what do you do here's what not to do don't shower them with compliments don't go on and on about how amazing they are or how much their work changed your life it might feel sincere but it puts you in the position of a fan not an equal instead keep it cool mention something specific you appreciated ideally something recent maybe their latest podcast got you thinking or a line in their book hit you at just the right moment be brief be real then move on that shows respect without putting them on a pedestal it says "I respect you but I'm not here to idolize you i'm someone worth talking to." Because big players don't try too hard to impress they connect calmly confidently as equals technique 37 always say why you're thankful imagine someone holds the elevator for you you rush in say "Thanks and stare at the numbers." He nods the moment's gone now imagine this instead thanks for holding that that was close they smile you both feel it that's the difference gratitude isn't just about saying thank you it's about making someone feel appreciated saying thank you is a good start sure it's polite but on its own it's forgettable if you want your appreciation to actually land and last don't let your thank you stand alone always add a reason thanks for waiting for me thank you for trusting me with that that small detail shows you noticed not just the action but the effort it tells the other person "I saw that i appreciated it you mattered." When your thank you has meaning it turns into a moment of recognition part four how to be an insider in any crowd walking into a group where everyone seems to get it except you is intimidating but you don't need to fake confidence or pretend to know it all this part is about learning the right cues terms and questions to blend into any group fast so you go from outsider to insider in minutes technique 38 expose yourself to new worlds ever been in a conversation where you had nothing to say different world different background total blank most people only know how to talk about what they already do their hobbies their job their usual circle so when they meet someone from a different world they hit a wall here's how to fix that once a month try something completely outside your routine take a dance class attend a lecture on astrophysics even if you don't understand half of it go to a jazz night even if you don't know a single song you're not doing it to become an expert just to get exposure because with just one experience your brain picks up 80% of the language and context you need to hold a basic conversation and suddenly when you meet someone who is in that world you don't blank out you ask sharper questions you relate faster you connect and the more diverse your experience is it the more connected you become to anyone anywhere technique 39 learn a few words from their world want to make people feel like you're one of them then speak their language even just a little every profession hobby or group has its own jargon and when you use even one or two of them correctly something happens you show respect you signal familiarity you build instant connection you're not pretending to be an expert just showing you care enough to learn if you're heading to an event full of doctors architects or developers don't show up empty take 5 minutes to Google their world pick up just a handful of terms just enough to ask one smart specific question instead of "So you code?" Try are you working on front-end projects right now or more backend it's a tiny shift but suddenly you don't sound like an outsider anymore leia Louns calls this job the language of the tribe you're talking to and mastering just a little of it can change the whole conversation you become more relatable more memorable and way more fun to talk to technique 40 ask about the big debates in their world want to get someone talking not just politely chatting but actually opening up then find what gets them fired up every field has its passionate debates the kind that lead to real conversation among insiders what's the current controversy the exciting trend the thing everyone in that world has an opinion on you don't need to be an expert but if you can ask a smart question about what's buzzing in their world they'll light up for example ask a designer what they think of a new minimalist design movement mention a real estate regulation that just changed bring up the latest shift in education policy it shows two things that you respect their work enough to be curious and that you came prepared which in any conversation goes a long way technique 41 read what they read before you meet if you know you'll be around people from a specific field whether it's economists filmmakers developers or even marine biologists take five minutes to read what they read skim a blogs watch a TED talk scroll through a few headlines in their space you don't need to know everything just get a feel for what's trending in their world what's new what's frustrating what's got people talking when you show up already a little in the loop you ask better questions you sound more thoughtful you make smarter comments and you earn instant credibility speaking even a little of their language makes them feel understood and more comfortable around you it's a tiny prep work but it turns small talk into smart talk technique 42 learn the local social rules when you're heading into a new culture whether for business or social reasons take time to learn the local rules of connection because what's polite in your country might be awkward or even rude somewhere else a handshake a compliment even giving a gift these small gestures don't always mean the same thing everywhere in Japan an expensive gift might embarrass someone in China writing someone's name in red ink is linked to death and bad luck but when you understand the customs everything flows more smoothly and more importantly it shows respect you're not just a visitor you're someone who took the time to understand so before your next trip look up a quick guide read the local dos and don'ts a few minutes of prep now can save you from awkward moments later technique 43 do your homework before you negotiate when you walk into a negotiation don't act like it's your first time even if it is vendors contractors service providers they all speak a certain language and they treat people differently depending on whether they think you're an outsider or someone who knows the game that's why one of the smartest moves you can make is simple do your homework before you buy anything big a new computer a service a redesign a renovation talk to people in that world ask a few smart questions learn the basic terms get a rough idea of what things usually cost you don't need to be an expert you just need to know enough to ask smart questions and avoid rookie mistakes because vendors treat insiders differently they respect confidence they expect questions from people who've done some research even a few wellplaced phrases can change the entire tone of the conversation in the real world it's often not about what you know it's about what they think you know part five why we're just alike we naturally trust people who feel familiar people who seem to think like us feel like us and see the world like we do that's why this section is all about mirroring someone's mindset energy and emotions in ways that feel natural and genuine because when someone thinks you're like me they relax open up and connect faster technique 44 be a copycat if you want someone to feel more comfortable around you try mirroring them not in what you say but in how you move speak and carry yourself it's subtle it's silent and it works watch how they carry themselves are their gestures big or controlled do they speak fast or slow loud or soft do they sit forward with energy or lean back relaxed without exaggerating start to match their tone pace and posture because when two people move and speak in sync it triggers something powerful familiarity safety belonging think of it like dancing if they're doing a slow waltz and you burst into a break dance it breaks the flow but if you move to their rhythm even just a little the connection deepens they won't know why they'll just feel like you get them technique 45 use their words to build trust if you want someone to feel like you really get them don't just listen echo people naturally trust those who speak their language literally that means using their exact words when you can if they call their company a firm you call it a firm if they say "I'm buried in deadlines." Don't translate it to "I know you're busy." Reflect it back yeah sounds like the deadlines are really stacking up it works because their brain hears their world in your mouth that creates comfort and trust and it's not just about words match their tone their pace even the rhythm of their sentences if they speak in a short punchy style do the same if they're slow and thoughtful take your time mirroring language isn't mimickry it's alignment and it happens one word at a time technique 46 use metaphors from their world the fastest way to connect with someone speak their language not just with words but with imagery not just any images theirs people don't think in facts they think in pictures so if you want to be remembered tie your ideas to metaphors that come from their world it makes your message more vivid and more personal talking to a surfer say "Let's ride this wave while it's high." to a musician this plan hits all the right notes to a cook this project just needs a little more seasoning when your words reflect their language their passion their identity they don't just understand they feel understood and they remember you technique 47 use words that show you care imagine a friend says they just lost a big opportunity instead of "Oh no," like you're on autopilot try "That must have really hurt were you expecting it?" It's just a few words but it tells them "I'm not just listening i'm with you." These are empathizers short intentional phrases that do more than show you're listening they show you care try things like "That must have been really frustrating sounds like that hit you hard what did you do next?" When people feel truly heard they trust you more they open up they remember you technique 48 match their sensory language everyone experiences the world through different senses some people need to see things others need to hear them and some have to feel them out if you want to make someone feel instantly understood mirror their dominant sense the trick listen to the words they use people give themselves away without realizing it if they say "I see what you mean," they're visual use phrases like that paints a clear picture or I can see that if they say that sounds good they're auditory try that sounds right or I hear you if they say I've got a gut feeling or it just feels right they're kinesthetic try that feels like the right move or I get where you're coming from it's called sensory matching and it works fast because when someone hears their own language reflected back to them it clicks they don't just feel heard they feel seen felt understood and that's one of the fastest ways to build trust and connection without saying much at all technique 49 say we to feel like a team want to make someone feel closer to you even if you just met use the word we when two people say we or us it sends a strong signal we're not strangers we're already a team it might seem small but that one word can create a shift in mindset the sooner you use it the faster you create connection for example you and someone are eyeing the dessert table at a party don't say "This looks great." Say "Looks like they're trying to make us gain 5 kilos tonight." That one word us creates shared language shared language creates shared experience and shared experience builds trust whether you're saying we've got a good rhythm going or this would be perfect for us that early we is a shortcut to connection technique 50 create a shared moment on the spot want to turn a stranger into a friend faster than usual give yourselves a shared past instantly it doesn't need to be deep or dramatic it just has to be mutual just notice something you both experienced in the moment and turn it into a shared reference like "I feel like we're the only ones here who dressed up." Or "I thought the music was going to blow the speakers." It might seem small but those small observations do something powerful they create instant history a sense of we've already been through something together and that turns to small talk into connection next time you see them bring it up again hey remember that insane dessert at last week's event that one call back becomes an in joke and those in jokes become glue that's how small moments become the start of real connection part six the power of praise the folly of flattery compliments can unlock trust or kill it this part breaks down how to praise someone in a way that feels real thoughtful and memorable you'll also learn what research says about who compliments land best from and how to avoid sounding fake even when you mean it technique 51 let praise reach them indirectly sometimes saying a compliment directly can backfire the person might question your motives are you being sincere or just trying to get on my good side that's why this technique works so well if you want your praise to truly land don't say it to the person directly instead say it to someone else who you know will repeat it when someone overhears that you said something kind about them and you didn't say it to their face it feels more genuine because they weren't supposed to know that makes it feel honest it also saves you from sounding like someone trying too hard to impress and it leaves them with a lasting impression that you've probably praised them to others too technique 52: Deliver the compliment they didn't hear back in wartime carrier pigeons braved storms and gunfire just to deliver a single message today there's no battlefield but your message still matters only now it's not coordinates you're carrying it's compliments whenever you overhear someone say something positive about a colleague a friend or even a stranger don't keep it to yourself deliver it be the one who spreads the kind words hey I thought you'd like to know Sarah was really impressed with your report or I overheard James say your presentation really nailed it thought you'd like to hear that it seems small but most people rarely get to hear the good things said behind their backs so when you pass it along it hits deeper it doesn't just make their day it makes you the kind of person people remember and trust because while everyone else spreads gossip you spread gold and in every room people remember the one who brought them good news technique 53 let compliments slip naturally the strongest compliments often don't sound like compliments at all they slip out naturally as if you weren't even trying that's what makes them powerful instead of saying "You look amazing," say something like "You've clearly been keeping up your routine you look like someone who never misses a workout." This isn't just a compliment it's an assumption of excellence it feels spontaneous real like admiration just slipped out mid-thought and that's why people believe it people are more open to praise when it doesn't come with a spotlight no big declarations no awkward thank you dance just a quiet signal that says "I noticed something great." But timing and tone matter because if you're clumsy or backhanded it'll blow up in your face like saying "For someone who's usually quiet you're surprisingly interesting." Sounds like a compliment but it lands like an insult so here's the move let your admiration feel unintentional let it slip into the conversation like it just popped into your head because when it feels real it sticks technique 54 make praise feel unintentional the compliments people remember most are the ones you didn't mean to give they slip out mid thought like something you didn't mean to say out loud and that's what makes them land this trick is simple bury the praise inside a bigger point as if it just came out naturally like this well you probably wouldn't have made that mistake you're way too sharp for that it doesn't feel like flattery it sounds honest like you couldn't help but say it and that's what makes it land deeper technique 55 give the one compliment they'll never forget want to make sure someone never forgets you then don't give just any compliment give the compliment the one that hits deep it's not about saying something generic like "You're smart." or "You seem nice." It's about noticing a genuine quality the kind most people overlook you might say "That question you asked earlier completely changed how I looked at the topic it lands because it's specific it only applies to them." Private shared one-on-one not performed for attention credible it feels earned not exaggerated rare they've probably never heard it before the best time to give it right at the end of the conversation when they least expect it say their name look them in the eye and share the one thing you noticed about them something uniquely them it only takes a few seconds but it's the kind of moment people carry with them for years technique 56 give small sincere compliments often never underestimate the impact of a quick sincere compliment you don't need a big moment or a perfect speech sometimes just a few words are enough to make someone's day nice work you really nailed that you look sharp today these quick compliments may seem small but they stick with people people often wonder silently did anyone even notice and those words say yes you don't have to wait for a big win or a dramatic reveal just drop small bits of recognition throughout the day at work at home in line at the coffee shop each little moment might feel small at the time but over time they build loyalty connection and trust technique 57 react with instant praise right after someone does something great they're riding that emotional high that is your moment timing is everything with praise it loses power the longer you wait but in that instant a genuine reaction hits hardest so react immediately don't overthink it don't hold back let your genuine reaction slip out wow that was incredible wait too long and it sounds calculated but in the moment it feels honest and unforgettable technique 58 accept praise then reflect it back when someone gives you a compliment don't brush it off or get awkward that's what most people do they deflect praise but confident people do something different they reflect it so when someone says "Great presentation," don't say "Oh it was nothing." Don't wave it away like it doesn't matter instead say "Thanks your question at the end really helped bring it all together now you've done two powerful things you received the compliment with grace and kept the moment alive by giving genuine appreciation in return think of it like a boomerang you catch the compliment then return it with sincerity not to flatter but to offer recognition technique 59 the tombstone game everyone wants to feel seen for who they really are deep down we all carry an image of ourselves something we're proud of something we want to be remembered for want to give someone the most powerful compliment they'll ever receive ask "If you could choose one sentence to go on your tombstone what would it be?" Or a softer version what do you hope people remember you for their answer reveals what matters most to them their identity at the core then don't mention it again just remember it weeks later when the moment is right praise them for that exact quality not you're smart or you're kind but if connection was their answer say "You really bring people together." That's not a compliment that's recognition and it hits deeper than anything else you could say because you're not just praising who they are you're affirming the version of themselves they most want to be part seven direct dial their hearts when people can't see you like on a call your voice does all the work this part teaches you how to make someone feel emotionally close using just your tone pacing and phrasing because even without body language you can still build real connection technique 60 let your voice carry the emotion when you're face to face communication is a full body experience people can read your smile your posture the way you raise an eyebrow but over the phone none of that gets through that's why your voice has to carry it all smile even if they can't see it it shows up in your tone use your hands when you talk your gestures will shape your rhythm your pauses your energy even your eyebrows matter when you raise them it helps your tone sound more expressive and don't keep reactions in your head react out loud nod silently in person say "M got it." on the phone every non-verbal cue you'd give face to face needs a vocal version when you're not in the room so turn your call into a performance not exaggerated just alive think of it like you're hosting a radio show for an audience of one bring a little more energy than usual just enough to make your voice feel alive even without body language they won't see a thing but they'll feel everything technique 61 use their name to build connection want to make people feel instantly closer to you say their name not just once at the beginning or again at the end use it naturally throughout the conversation hearing your own name lights up your brain it grabs your attention it makes you feel acknowledged and it builds warmth fast in fact using someone's name is the verbal equivalent of strong eye contact it makes them feel seen and when you're on the phone where body language disappears this becomes even more important so instead of just saying thanks say thanks Michael instead of I see what you mean try I see what you mean Sarah just be careful not to overdo it used too often it feels robotic but used well it builds trust signals presence and makes you more memorable technique 62 light up when they show up when someone walks up to you or gives you a call your reaction is everything don't just greet them light up not with a fake smile but with the kind of lift in your face that say "You just made my day." A warm surprise tone "Hey I wasn't expecting you so good to see you." Creates instant connection because people remember how you react to them even more than what you say that kind of welcome makes them feel important valued and seen this technique is about rewarding people for showing up not after the conversation begins but in the very first second that kind of reaction is rare and when it's real it's unforgettable technique 63 screen calls without sounding cold let's say you're working at a front desk assisting an executive sometimes someone calls asking to speak with a person who's not available and you need to screen the call but without making the caller feel shut out what not to do ask coldly "Who's calling?" or "What's this about it's cold." It feels like a gate slamming shut instead soften the screen keep it warm and polite say something like "Absolutely i'll put you right through may I tell them who's calling?" This does two smart things at once one you get the information you need two the caller feels acknowledged not interrogated now even if the person isn't actually available you follow up with "Ah they've just stepped out for a moment can I take a message or have them call you back you're still screening but it doesn't feel like it it feels like service you create the experience of being welcomed and respected even while protecting someone's time technique 64 treat their inner circle with respect sometimes when you call someone they don't pick up but someone else does their spouse assistant a teammate don't ignore them they're part of that person's inner circle and how you treat them matters more than you think a simple polite greeting like "Hi I'm sorry to bother you." or "Thanks for picking up" sets the tone for the entire call and if the person you're speaking with mentions their partner their kids or their dog say something kind even a quick "Sounds like a great family." Shows you're listening and you care because when you compliment someone's loved ones you're subtly complimenting them by extension you're saying "I see what matters to you and I respect it." And when people feel respected they remember you in a good way remember the person answering the phone may not be the decision maker but they absolutely influence how the decision maker feels about you technique 65 check in before you dive in when you call someone don't dive right into your message start with a simple check-in hey is this a good time to talk that one line does a lot it shows you respect their schedule their space and their state of mind because people color their time differently some are in green time open relaxed ready to talk others are in red time busy distracted mentally somewhere else you never know if they're in a meeting handling a mess or taking a mental break by checking in first you let them decide if now is right or to reschedule without pressure and if now is not a good time they'll respect you more for asking you avoid coming across as intrusive and it sets the tone for better communication where both sides are actually present technique 66 let your voicemail sound alive your voicemail might seem like a small detail but it sends a big message it says more about you than you think when someone calls and hits your greeting what they hear shouldn't sound generic if your tone is flat or your message hasn't been updated in weeks it can feel like you've checked out instead record a short friendly professional greeting and update it regularly even something as simple as "Hi it's Monday the 9th i'll get back to you soon." Shows you're organized aware and on top of things and don't overpolish it a little breath a natural pause even a slight imperfection makes you sound more human more real a fresh voicemail doesn't just say "I'm organized." It says "I show up." Technique 67 leave a message that gets a response when you leave a voicemail you're not just dropping a message you're auditioning in fact you've got about 10 seconds before they decide "Do I want to call this person back or not?" So before the beep take a breath clear your throat and when it's go time sound like someone worth talking to deliver your message with energy clarity and confidence not flat not robotic smile while you speak people can hear it treat that beep like a casting call and make those 10 seconds count technique 68 use casual language to get past the screen trying to reach someone important but a secretary answers the phone you've got one shot to sound like you belong or get screened out like everyone else skip the formal tone if you say "May I speak to Miss Jenkins please?" That's polite sure but they'll spot you as an outsider right away instead go casual like you're already in their circle say "Hi is she in?" as if you were old friends that one word "She," sends a subtle message we already know each other it sounds ordinary but it's strategic you're getting past the gate by sounding like you've already been inside and if you're leaving a voicemail instead don't just say "Hey call me back." Instead add a touch of curiosity hey I had a quick idea you might like short casual intriguing a little familiarity opens doors a little curiosity gets you a call back technique 69 acknowledge what's happening in their world if you're on a call and you hear background noise like another phone ringing a baby crying someone talking in the background don't ignore it acknowledge it say "Sounds like your other line and want to take it and call me back." Or "Is that your little one i can let you go if you need." This small gesture shows emotional intelligence it tells the other person you're not just listening to their words you're paying attention to their world it turns a regular call into a moment of human connection and if you're speaking with someone in another time zone always consider their schedule say "Good evening," or "I hope your morning's going well." It's a small gesture but it shows respect for their reality and that's the part people remember technique 70 record yourself to sharpen your communication you don't always hear yourself the way others do but if you want to improve how you communicate especially over the phone one of the best things you can do is record and review with permission of course when necessary you miss a lot in the moment but you catch everything in the replay when you listen back focus on tone did you sound calm confident interested pacing were you rushing rambling too flat warmth did you come across as someone who actually cares clarity were your points easy to follow just like athletes study game footage to sharpen their skills great communicators study how they sound and grow from it part eight how to work a party like a politician works a room if you've ever felt lost at a networking event this part is for you you'll learn how to show up at any event with purpose who to talk to what to say and how to make sure people remember you when opportunities come up later technique 71 eat before you network at a party you have to choose are you here to eat or to connect you can't really do both if your goal is to meet people don't camp out by the buffet table holding a drink in one hand and a plate in the other makes you look busy and less approachable no one wants to interrupt someone midbite so skip the buffet eat before you arrive so you can move freely shake hands and make eye contact you're not stuck awkwardly juggling snacks and a drink you're open and ready to connect it might sound small but it sends a clear signal i'm available i'm approachable i'm here to engage and sometimes that one choice is the difference between leaving unnoticed or leaving with a powerful new connection technique 72 pause and scan the room with confidence the moment you walk into a room you're already making an impression even before you speak so don't rush in like you're late or lost don't walk in and fade into the crowd pause at the entrance look around scan the energy of the room like someone who belongs there let your eyes slowly sweep across the space not in a panicked way like you're looking for someone to cling to but in a calm composed way like a confident host checking on their guests notice the lighting the layout where the food and drinks are but most importantly who's already there that few seconds gives you the info you need to match the mood and move with purpose instead of walking in blind technique 73 make the first move at most events people stand around waiting hoping someone interesting will notice them but if you want to make real connections don't wait to be noticed make the first move instead of hanging around by the bar or sticking with someone you already know scan the room spot someone intriguing maybe they're laughing at a story or standing alone for a moment and walk over with confidence introduce yourself start the conversation this single shift changes how people see you and how you see yourself you're no longer a guest waiting for a chance you're the one creating it it shows presence confidence and quiet power and the person you're hoping to meet the one who could change your career become a mentor or turn into a lifelong friend they're not going to magically find you in the crowd you find them technique 74 stand open to be more inviting before you say a word your body's already doing the talking and at a party posture is either an invitation or a barrier if you want people to approach you your body needs to say "I'm open." That means arms relaxed at your sides palms visible chest open avoid crossing your arms hiding your hands in your pockets or holding your drink like a shield want to increase your chances of meeting people stand near the entrance everyone walks by eventually and your open posture will do the inviting for you technique 75 remember the little things that matter everyone wants to feel like they matter that's why remembering small details is such a big deal remember their dog's name their favorite wine the vacation they were excited about then bring it up the next time you see them it shows you listened it shows you cared enough to remember and that's what makes you stand out this is how politicians build loyalty they track small personal details and bring them up later like headline news even months later they'll say "Did you ever try that hiking trail?" You don't need a perfect memory just write it down in a notes app a contact card or wherever you'll find it again because when someone realizes you remembered what mattered to them you become unforgettable technique 76 record what matters you don't need a perfect memory you just need a smart system right after you meet someone take a few seconds to make a quick note of a personal detail on the back of their business card or in your notes app it could be anything their favorite restaurant a hobby they mentioned where they grew up a phrase or joke they told anything that stood out then next time you reach out whether by phone email or in person bring it up casually i finally tried that pizzeria you mentioned you were right it's incredible that small moment of recognition has a big impact most people are used to being forgotten so when you bring up something personal even after weeks or even months you stand out it's a simple habit a 5-second note today can turn a brief encounter into a lasting connection technique 77 end the conversation gracefully when you're chatting at an event it's easy to get caught up in your own words and sure people might smile and nod but their eyes tell the real story if you notice them glancing around the room fidgeting shifting their stance or breaking eye contact that's your signal they're distracted or ready to move on and that's okay it just means the moment is coming to a close instead of clinging to it wrap things up with grace give them an easy out say something like "I'll let you circulate it was great catching up." You preserve the connection and you leave on a high note so sometimes the most thoughtful move is knowing when to step away part nine little tricks of big winners sometimes it's the small social moves that leave the biggest impression like being the first to applaud bringing back a story that got interrupted or subtly giving someone credit in front of their boss in this final section you'll learn the low-key habits that build quiet authority earn lasting respect and shape how others respond to you without ever needing to dominate the room technique 78 handle awkward moments with class when someone messes up in public spills a drink drops their phone stumbles over a word here's what you do absolutely nothing keep talking keep smiling let the moment pass like it never happened because the fastest way to make someone feel small is to draw attention to their embarrassment even unintentionally your job let them save face if someone knocks over their coffee don't overreact keep chatting as you casually help clean it up if they mispronounce something let it slide and respond naturally the goal isn't to pretend you didn't see it it's to make them feel like it didn't matter that's social elegance that's grace under pressure and it's the kind of ease that makes people feel safe around you technique 79 keep the spotlight on the storyteller you're in a group conversation someone's telling a story they've got momentum everyone's engaged and then they get interrupted a server walks up the moment gets hijacked and the storyteller is left hanging mid-sentence most people let it drop but you don't this is your chance to shine once the interruption passes gently bring the spotlight back wait I want to hear how that story ended that small gesture makes a huge impact you're saying your story mattered i was listening and people remember that technique 80 always show what's in it for them whenever you ask for someone's time attention or help remember this they're not just hearing your words they're silently asking "What's in it for me?" Your job is to answer that question before they have to ask whether it's a coffee invite a pitch or a favor show them how it benefits them even if it's subtle try something like "I'd love your thoughts on this and it could be a great way to showcase your expertise." Be honest not sneaky it's hiding your motives that makes people suspicious so if there's something in it for you too say so being direct builds trust so next time you make an ask don't just focus on what you want show them what they get technique 81 give them time to feel good about helping when someone agrees to do you a favor don't jump on it immediately pause give them a moment to enjoy feeling generous because part of the satisfaction of helping someone comes before the help is even given it's in the anticipation the feeling of being useful and valued but if you jump in right after they agree the whole thing starts to feel like a transaction it takes the generosity out of it but if you wait the dynamic shifts it feels like a gift so how long should you wait at least 24 hours that small delay gives them time to feel good about saying yes and it makes the favor feel like something they wanted to do not something they had to do so next time someone says yes to helping you let them savor the favor before you make the next move technique 82 give wait then give back when someone does you a favor your instinct might be to repay it right away don't instant payback turns a generous gesture into a transaction like you're settling a debt not expressing real appreciation instead pause let some time pass let your gratitude sit and feel real then when the moment's right return the favor in a way that feels thoughtful not obligatory that's what builds long-term goodwill it feels generous not calculated and if you're the one doing the favor same rule as La Louns writes "When you do someone a favor and it's obvious that he owes you one wait a suitable amount of time before asking him to pay let him enjoy the fact or fiction that you did it out of friendship don't rush to collect the return favor technique 83 don't bring problems to a celebration when someone's celebrating a birthday a promotion or a big win that's their moment it's not the time to bring up complaints criticism or even a small request no matter how valid your point is bad timing can make you seem disconnected they won't hear your message they'll only remember that you ruined the moment this is what La Lounge calls a safe haven a social setting where even rivals keep things light they smile they nod and they save the serious stuff for another day so next time you're at someone's party or celebrating a win with them don't bring the clouds technique 84 don't bring tension to the table there's a time for tough conversations dinner isn't it when you sit down to eat with someone especially someone important keep it light brainstorm ideas share dreams explore possibilities but save the complaints negotiations and hard decisions for later breaking bread is a ritual it's about connection not confrontation technique 85 don't pitch during a random encounter run into someone by surprise keep it light bump into a client at the cafe spot a big contact at the gym don't bring up business don't make the moment about you random encounters aren't the time to pitch negotiate or ask for favors they're for a smile a kind word and moving on because trying to capitalize on a random encounter can make you seem opportunistic but showing warmth showing respect for their space that makes you memorable for the right reasons later when the timing is better they'll remember how you handled that moment and they'll be more open because you showed class when it counted technique 86 check in before you start working you're about to kick off a project with someone you're ready to go but they're not maybe they had a rough morning maybe something personal is distracting them or maybe they're just stressed and not mentally present if you ignore that and push forward they won't really be present for the work so before diving in check in hey you seem a bit off today want to talk about it for a second or simply all good before we dive in let them clear their mental space don't rush it just listen because once that emotional static is gone you'll have their full focus technique 87 start with empathy not logic imagine you're in a meeting a big proposal just got rejected and one of your teammates raises his voice why are we always the last to know anything around here now your instinct might be to calm things down with logic it's okay we'll figure something out but that won't land they're not ready for logic they're having an emotional reaction and until that energy is acknowledged they won't hear a word of your solution so instead of jumping to facts start with feelings yeah that's got to be incredibly frustrating you're not exaggerating you're not encouraging the outburst you're just showing that you get how they feel once someone feels heard the tension drops now they're open to thinking clearly and that's when you can step in with solutions this works in meetings it works in relationships it works with customers and kids anytime emotions are running high mirror the feeling before you offer facts that's what diffuses tension without confrontation technique 88 use mistakes to strengthen the relationship let's say you miss an important Zoom call with a client you forgot the time and now they've wasted 20 minutes staring at a blank screen a simple "So sorry about that," isn't enough you've just cost them time and trust but here's the move after your apology offer them something unexpected a free resource they'll value a shortcut you found a small upgrade even a helpful article they'd actually use now instead of walking away frustrated they walk away with more than they expected the goal isn't just to fix the mistake it's to turn it into something they're grateful for actually I'm kind of glad that happened small mistake small win big mistake big win when done right it doesn't just fix the relationship it actually makes it stronger technique 89 correct gracefully not publicly imagine you're working on a team project but in the meeting your colleague pitches your idea as their own you're angry rightfully so but instead of calling them out in front of everyone you choose not to react later you casually say "Hey I'm glad that idea landed well next time maybe we can pitch it together." You just gave them a smooth way out a way to save face without turning it into a public takedown this isn't weakness it's about strategy you're showing you're not petty impulsive and not easily provoked you protect your image while making your point and if the betrayal is serious you still walk away but with your dignity intact you don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset you stay calm and they never get another chance technique 90 don't just think "Help them get recognized." Picture this a receptionist goes out of their way to squeeze you into a packed schedule or a barista remembers your name and your exact order most people just say "Thanks." and move on but you're not most people you pause and ask "Hey who's your manager i'd love to let them know how great you were." Then you actually follow through with a quick email a message or even a handwritten note it's simple sincere and specific now here's the real move copy the person you're praising that one small detail makes all the difference they don't just hear about the compliment they see it so does their boss and suddenly you've done something most people never do you made them look good in front of the person who matters that kind of praise is rare it's generous and it makes you unforgettable technique 91 be the first to clap nod or cheer let's say you're sitting in a packed room a presentation a team meeting or even a toast at a wedding the speaker wraps up their point silence everyone's looking around unsure what to do you clap first you nod with approval you say "Well said." That one gesture shifts the room others follow the speaker relaxes the energy lifts because you let it great communicators guide the mood pace and response of the crowd even in casual settings and when you're the one speaking don't just talk guide how they feel use tone pacing and storytelling to bring people with you make them laugh make them pause make them lean in that's how great communicators lead the room not just fill it with words technique 92 be aware of your social score life is a game and everyone has an invisible score floating above their head not a real one but a social score a scoreboard that's constantly updating based on how people perceive you you walk into a room one person speaks and everyone listens that's the scorecard at work in Japan social rank is shown in the angle of a bow the higher your status the smaller your bow in other cultures it's more subtle it shows in how people greet you how closely they listen whether they wait or interrupt who takes the lead and who follows great communicators understand this before they speak text call or even shake someone's hand they ask themselves "Who has more to gain here who's in the higher position socially professionally or emotionally how do I raise my score?" That number above your head is always in motion every word every gesture every interaction nudges it up or down so play smart stay aware and when it matters most make the move that keeps you in control