hey y'all it's Jefferson on today's episode I'm going to be sharing with you three must know truths that are going to change the way you communicate and how to leverage those mindsets to improve your life for the better welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast in fact season two of The Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to please follow this podcast and if you would leave a review give it a like a star anything helps it really does I want to also let you know that my new book the next conversation is officially out on pre-order and if you like anything about this podcast I promise you you're going to like the book and for the first time I have the Jefferson Fisher School of communication that is now out and ready all you have to do is just look in the show notes I'll have all the links posted right there before we go into the three things that I want to dive into you might notice something a little bit different the sound quality might be a little bit different I now have a microphone I'm in a studio and not in my car now I want to tell you don't worry I'm still going to be making car videos those daily car videos that you see and that I enjoy making for you but when it comes to podcasting and more longer form content I can't always make it in the car I'll still keep the episode short I'm hoping to keep it at the 12 to 18 20 minute Mark right in there to where it's it's something that you can listen to right in your commute but I don't want to have super long form content right now I just want to keep it in The Sweet Spot until I get more comfortable with it and see what works in my life so this is a change with everything that's coming up with the book launch and I'm also going to be bringing you guests for the first time I'm going to have solo episodes too you're still going to hear from me but I also want to bring you some guests that I know that you love and people that I love that are going to also just continue to pour into you as much as they have poured into me all right three things that I want you to know that are going to change the way you communicate are you listening are you ready number One never win an argument whenever your goal is to win an argument you lose so much more every time and it gets me frustrated tell you the truth of how much I see out in the world videos to blogs to books and magazines and articles on how to win every argument let me tell you right now it is a lie it's snake oil it's clickbait it is it's not true it's has nothing to do with real world that's why it does not work when you've ever seen like I why am I not winning this argument because the idea of winning it does not work it never has it never will people like to say well Jefferson aren't you an attorney isn't this kind of your day job you're this is what you do for a living you win arguments absolutely not no that's that's not how it works as a trial attorney any trial attorney who is in the courtroom you do not choose your client's facts when a client walks into my door and they have hey I've been in an accident and here are my facts I can't create new facts that will help my case and I can get rid of facts or delete facts that hurt my case I am stuck with the cards that are dealt same thing applies with the law I can't choose I'm here in Texas I can't choose what laws I'm going to follow or not going to follow they apply to everyone here in this state same in the federal level or any state in the US I can't choose any of that and so when it comes to arguing as an attorney it's more about giving the facts and evidence a voice how can I persuade you based upon my facts and what I have in the law and then it's it's ultimately up to the the finder of fact is how they call it you have the judge or you have the jury and it's going to be those are the people who decide what's persuasive and what's not are they following the law at the end of the day they have to follow the law has nothing to do about who's winning an argument the other attorney might have better facts the other attorney might have better law has nothing to do with me winning it so it's not even the same thing in the courtroom or as an attorney you cannot win every argument when you do when you sit out to say I want to win this argument you will lose the relationship with this person it may not be the first time may not be the second time but over time and time and time again the value and quality of that relationship is going to continue to go down here's what I mean when you and I are fighting and we're trying to win an argument what I've really won is your contempt you're now mad at me most likely I've I've won your uh ability to have awkward silence now every time we pass each other in the hall I still have to probably work with this person probably have to live with this person what have you what have you won you've really probably won the first chance you're now the first person up to have to apologize often we win arguments because we said something that was over the top went too far below the belt anything that made the argument stop just because you're the last one who speaks does not mean that you're the one who won the argument it is just not true so every time you try to see yourself as winning an argument you're going to lose the relationship you're going to lose their respect you're going to lose their trust their confidence and over time you're going to lose the ability to connect with that person when you always set out to win an argument so instead of winning an argument this is what I want you to do see the argument as something to unravel see the argument as something to unravel as in a not you have one side I have the other and when I'm pulling and we're pulling it just makes the not Tighter and Tighter it doesn't go anywhere instead of seeing that who's going to win this tug-of war you have to stop put it down and find a way to locate the knot and when you do that's where you have the heart of the matter where you can start to unravel and say I'm trying to understand where you're coming from they're trying to understand where you're coming from then you can talk then you can connect with the person it is not winning an argument that is going to change the way you communicate it is seeing the way that you can unravel the not I I really hope that resonates with you it's one of the main pillars that I use every day in my communication and how I see things between two people and how we connect with each other don't look to win the argument you want to look to unravel the knot you just have to be patient enough truth number two have something to learn not something to prove now this goes beautifully with the first point of never win an argument number two says have something to learn not something to prove struggle happens difficulty happens bad things happen in communication when I'm trying to prove something against you but here's the the the fact of it the harder I work to push against you the harder I push to prove my point the more hardened you'll become that I'm wrong because what you don't know is that behind everybody as we're going to talk here in the third step is there is a surface and a depth behind everybody so if I were to say you're wrong hey you listening right now you're wrong whatever opinion you have I'm going to say that it's wrong but what I don't know is when I tell you that you're wrong I could also be saying that your family member is wrong Your Grandparent is wrong what you've known your whole life is wrong we all come into circumstance es with different life experiences so if you've been raised maybe let's say in a particular religion your entire life or you've heard um only a certain political party your entire life these are Big Concepts I'm talking about here or maybe you grew up in an area that is culturally a certain way and somebody says that that's wrong what you're doing is just changing their whole Paradigm is saying everything about you is wrong and we will get so defensive even to the point of ref using to listen to be able to preserve that identity that the other person has they will fight tooth and nail it doesn't matter that that's why logic does not work in these circumstances logic doesn't work because it is part of their identity it is their value in their life of this is who I am if you're saying that I'm wrong that means my dad's wrong my mom's wrong my grandparents are wrong and it it ties to a whole lot more when somebody likes let's say a a political candidate it doesn't matter party and you say that they're wrong well you get a lot of people that are fans of certain people get very defensive because they've tied their identity to that person you have to understand that you come into it with something to learn not something to prove in that conversation I get really worked up about these truths because they hit so much at home for me like these the points that I give they're little quick rapid things I'm always going to be giving you those I want to start season 2 a little bit different that does not mean I'm going to continue to to do the bigger Concepts I always give practical takeaways and I'm going to give that to you here is I want you to to get used to this mindset of when you see struggle when there's friction in the communication ask yourself am I trying to prove something or am I trying to learn something here's a a depiction of this an illustration I want you to have in your mind if I'm arguing with you I cannot pour let's say I have a glass of of water I cannot pour water into your full picture I I can't pour new thoughts into a into a picture that's already full I have to let you get it all out I have to ask you questions and get curious of well how long have you you know uh how'd you come to that conclusion how long have you thought like this how how things that you're getting information out of the other person rather than just trying to splash the water in their face and saying take this and whatever everything I say is right instead you need to ask questions I get it all out and only then is there space for you to fill it with your new thoughts have something to learn not something to prove truth number three this is one of my favorites the person you see is not the person you're talking to the person you see is not the person you're talking to like we said in in step two everybody has a surface and a depth the person who's serving you coffee at the cafe maybe they served a little late maybe they had a little bit of attitude that's the person you see but the person you're talking to maybe should have been off two hours ago or just got a terribly rude comment from a customer an hour before and now it's waiting on them or maybe their kids are staying with their mom and they're in a bad mood because they don't like where they are in life there's always a surface and a depth people that you're driving behind like this is for me I'm talking to myself when you're driving in in the left lane and somebody's in the left lane here in the United States you have the right lane left lane our default is typically in the the right lane through a single Lane passing traffic but it's two lanes left lane is for passing the right lane is for those that go slow so anytime you want to somebody's going slow in the left lane H it irritates me to to no end but I'm working on that see I can work on things too well anytime you're going slow behind a car that's probably going the speed limit let's be honest you just automatically assume they are in your way get out of my way how dare you be in my way you don't know what in the world's going on with your life you don't know what kind of news this person is dealing with same way when somebody's coming up behind you like what we call um on on your rear when they are right up behind you you think I what do you want what do you want from me and you get aggravated that they're trying to speed you up so it just goes all into this thing of we like to think about ourselves it's our it's our default it's it's natural I want you to see that the person you see is not the person you're talking to so you have to get really curious about understanding that everybody has something going on that you don't know about people you're related to they have struggles they don't share with you your kids there are things that are happening in their life that they may not share with you same thing with your work you have a supervisor an employee there are things going in their life that you don't know they're having conversations in their head that you aren't part of if for those that have been in relationships or an inone right now you've all experienced this concept where somebody comes into the house the room the apartment whatever and you can just tell they're in a bad mood and it's not until 20 minutes into the conversation you're like is something wrong with you well it turns out what happened to them happened 6 hours before and they've been living with that long before they came in contact with you so things happen that you have no idea about so when you go into this thing of exactly who I see with this person is exactly who they are and you go into stereotypes and you say oh I'm G to call a spade a spade that's fine do what you need to do understand that's not the real person I've seen some of the toughest people meanest looking people be the biggest teddy bears and sweethearts I've also seen the smallest maybe say oldest weakest uh people be the sturdiest strongest uh humans I've ever come across you cannot judge a book by as cover now I also want to make sure and take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast and they're called cozy Earth and the reason why I said yes to Cozy Earth is because I already used their stuff their sheets are on my bed right now I wear their sweat shirts and their sweatpants my wife loves their pajamas U I can't imagine using anything else so if you are like me and you like to wear cozy things when you're home you can go to Cozy earth.com Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off as cozy earth.com Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off three truths that I want you to understand when it comes to communication you use these mindsets by thinking about them taking them to heart I want you to just take for a moment and see what has resonated with you in this conversation that we're having here yeah it's a conversation I know I'm talking to you and you're not talking back but you are in many ways when you leave comments when you comment on any videos you're I I get to hear from you for those that are part of my newsletter you're able to ask me questions and I'm able to field those throughout this rest of the season I will be answering my newsletter emails I have lots of them that I I've starred and I want to make sure that I I get to you can also join my newsletter there in the show notes I have a a little link for it there I want you to understand that when you go into communication applying these will change the way you think and when you use them it will improve your life when you number one stop seeing arguments as something to win but something to unravel number two have something to learn not something to prove and number three the person you see is not the person you're talking to three things that are going to change the way you communicate that's that's real those are things that are on my heart and those are things that are outlined in chapter one of my book things that really really mean a lot significantly to me and I hope they've shown some light shared some light and shed some light onto you thank you so much for listening to this podcast if you enjoyed today's episode I'm going to ask you to again just follow this podcast and if you would leave a review I'd love to have you part of the newsletter and again my book the next conversation is currently still on pre-order if you like I would still love to have any kind of feedback that you have so if you like or don't like this studio setup if you like or don't like the microphone just tell me all this stuff is new to me this is not super fancy uh there's not some big huge team this is me trying to talk to you and share what's on my heart I'm looking forward to sharing season two of the podcast got a lot of things coming that we're still planning on that I I just I cannot wait to share with you thanks for being with me and as always you can try that and follow me