hi everyone and welcome back to another podcast episode my name is Alicia Goen the host of The Globe Secrets podcast where I help you expand your mind and become more self-aware so that you can glow up into the best version of yourself hello how are we doing I think this episode's going to come out on a Sunday so happy Sunday if you are listening to it on a Sunday it is a beautiful day to stop comparing and stop competing with others and that is what we're going to be talking about in today's episode why did I come up with this idea I think it had to do with the fact that it this time in this season at least if you're listening to it like kind of like live August September I feel like it calls for a lot of us to dial in on our goals a lot of people are going back to school we had so much fun in the summertime and now we're kind of like okay coming back inwards and kind of reflecting on what we have been doing what we haven't and I find when we are about to focus a lot on ourselves and our goals we tend to look at the contrast we look at the opposite of what we've been doing now that is actually a good thing because it helps us get focused on where we want to put our attention in time and you know improve ourselves in but sometimes in doing that we can get lost in this comparison and we start to feel bad about ourselves because we haven't accomplished this or we see these people and they're doing great things or like we get into this competitiveness which maybe on one hand can be helpful in small doses in a healthy way but sometimes we can get too much into it which I don't want that for us I want us to be healthy I want us to feel confident within ourselves and I want us to do that in a way where we aren't belittling ourselves and or belittling others or putting people down or just like having this competitiveness that is is really not healthy so I want to give you some powerful mindset shifts that will hopefully help you break free from comparison and competition these are mindset shifts that I like to make when I find myself comparing or feeling like I'm in any sort of competition these are really a lot of things that I live by and have definitely helped me keep my confidence intact and still continue to grow and evolve in a very healthy way so obviously it's really important for first and foremost to see when you are comparing or judging yourself or trying to compete with others and give yourself a moment to really just reflect now I think we're very aware of when we are comparing but sometimes we just allow it to be we just scroll on social media and we'll compare ourselves to someone then we'll feel like because we have really crappy internal dialogue and those stories that we're telling ourselves about what we're seeing and then we kind of just go on with our life and we don't really like change the dialogue we don't really give ourselves enough time to think hm do I want to keep this story going we just kind of keep scrolling or we just go out in life and we feel like crap but ourselves and we go home and we don't really do anything about that so I think you should really try and give yourself the gift of real reflection when you find that you are not feeling good about yourself and hopefully you can use some of the things that I'm going to talk about here to redirect your mind a little bit and make you think about what you are perceiving in a different light so let's start with the first thing that I think has really helped me on my journey of life I definitely was that friend who came from not the best environment compared to a lot of people who I grew up with I also grew up in a small town everyone was white no one really looked like me no one had the same hair texture as me I would say majority of the people around me lived pretty middle class and so obviously I was very aware of that contrast and it was in my face all the time so I really had to learn how to not let what was opposite of me really break me down and there is many times that it did and this is a whole journey that I have been on when it comes to my looks uh my life my everything that was handed to me parents everything and what I learned on my journey is every single person has a deck of cards and no one deck is going to be the same as yours and I learned that I was doing my myself a really big disservice by comparing my life and where I was with my finances or my looks or my body or my health or my schooling my grades everything to someone else's deck of cards because we didn't grow up the same like I remember in my early 20s it seemed that a lot of people around me were a little bit more stable financially than me and I always would get mad at myself and I would always feel really bad about myself and like I was making the wrong decisions because I wasn't in the same position as them but realistically I was at a disadvantage in many aspects of my life from yes the life I was handed but also the things that I was going through I had certain health issues that made it difficult for me to work and and bust my ass there was just so many aspects of my deck of cards that created me to be in a situation that I was in when I was in my early 20s exactly how it was I had a certain amount of money I had health issues I had all of these things okay it's just life that was just where I was at but I wasn't really thinking about how there was disadvantages there was real contrast there was real things that made it so it was a little bit difficult in my life and I really had to give myself a lot more grace and understand that yes I am living a different track a different life a different whatever and quite frankly so is everyone else so there's just no point on you making your journey of Life your beautiful unique Journey that is one of one so miserable by constantly putting yourself up against people who have a completely different life than you and even when you compare yourself to the old version of you or whatever that's a good measurement and we're going to talk about measuring ourselves against other people because it's actually like a human thing we actually do do that and that's fine but even that you want to be careful with because you are always evolving you are always changing and when it comes to you comparing yourself to someone else it's just it's a non-starter truly even when I think about okay let's say I was comparing let's say a surface level thing like my hair against somebody else who has basic almost the same type of hair as me what is the point of me being like Oh my God my hair is not good enough it's not right it's not whatever when this person might have similar type of hair than me but she just has different genes that allow it to grow a certain way or she has a different texture so her curls look a little bit different when she puts in the moose versus me like there's always going to be these small little incres of life that will make you different than another person so it's really counterproductive for you to try to compare yourself to something where you really can't even compete because you guys are not identical so understand in life every single person is different point blank so knowing that information there's just not a point on you continuously comparing your chapter 1 to someone else's chapter 4 and even if you guys are on similar chapters it doesn't matter because you have different decks of cards you just do and it's not even really an unfair thing because everyone has unique cards some are disadvantages some are whatever I think it's definitely how you want to look at these cards I talked about that in my book A Lot the ultimate Globe guide about how I had a set of cards and some of them were not the best but I decided to not look at all these things as disadvantages instead of looking at all of these cards as advantages and to work with them and understand more about myself versus being like Oh my God I don't want all these cards I want their cards I'm never going to get their cards and even if I want similar cards to them I'm never going to be able to switch these cards if I keep looking at them like I can't use them for anything which leads me into another powerful mindset shift that I have always taken with me and this has really helped me as a person it's helped me when it comes to inspiration and motivation and it's helped me when it comes to becoming a YouTuber and a podcaster just everything and that is don't try to be them be like them so let's bring it back to actually measuring ourselves against other people when it comes to success or looks or whatever okay at the end of the day you're a human being and you're going to recognize contrast you're going to recognize the opposite of you and so instead of comparing yourself and being like Oh my God this girl looks so beautiful she has so much money she's hit all of her goals she's so X Y and Z and because I am not her I need to change everything about me and I am not good enough until I am her instead of going into that spiral which bringing it back to even if you tried to be exactly a clone like her you just won't like genetically biologically lifestyle everything right like there's not a point it's so counterproductive instead of trying to be exactly like her see what you like about her or him or whoever and let that be your motivation your inspiration and learn from them you don't have to do life exactly like that person but there's probably aspects of them that you can use in your own life to propel you forward so I'll give you maybe a few examples let's say you have a friend who is really good with their finances hello that's one of my best friends now I could compare myself and be like oh my gosh she is x amount of good with her finances she's hit these goals she's accomplished these things at this age and I have a different Financial life I do and we're at we're at different ages and um like when it comes to investing in stuff like she's the one that taught me about investing this that I could look at myself and be like oh my God like I should just be exactly where she is at that age or why didn't I do it like this or X Y and Z or I could be like okay she has really good qualities about when it comes to finances that I really really like I am going to be good with my money the way she is good with her money I don't need to be exactly the way she is with her money and spend it exactly the same way that she does and I don't need to get mad at myself because I didn't spend it like this or invest it like that or whatever I'm just like coming up with things at this point but I can take really good positive traits and qualities from her and adopt it to my own financial situation but I think a lot of times when we see contrast and we see people who are successful or beautiful or who have or let's say dating somebody who's like oh my God he like she has like a dream guy or whatever we're like oh my God like I have to find that exact person or I have to find that exact way of spending my money or I have to have that exact job you don't have to have the exact job or the exact man you can find those qualities and you can uh pick up some of those habits but you don't need to do it exactly like them and why it's important to remember that is because you're going to really burn yourself out trying to be exactly like that person when there's no need to be even when it comes to therapy you know there's so many different types of therapy right cognitive behavioral therapy there's somatic therapy there's EMDR there's so many different types and if you are somebody in the mental health field you are going to want to help people now there are different ways you can help people but if you don't have this mindset of thinking I don't have to be exactly like that person I can help people like them you might think okay well because I know this person who's doing CBT therapy and they went to school for this I have to do it this way and every other way is wrong even though I've actually learned that doing therapy in this capacity actually helps me more or parts work helped me more or you know sematic therapy helps any more whatever the case is or even when it comes to looks you might see a lot of pretty girls and be like oh my God like I need to have my hair like that or I need to do my makeup like that or whatever and yes we can get influenced by people but you don't have to do it exactly like them in order to be pretty you don't have to dress exactly like that person in order to be stylish you don't have to spend your money and do things step by step like that other person over here to be somebody who is good with their money even when it comes to success you don't have to start the exact same business as someone else in order to be somebody who works for themselves or has a business you don't have to be a tick tocker if you you really want to do something with social media you could go on podcast or you can go on YouTube like you don't have to do it exactly the way that you might be looking up to someone but you can see aspects of them and be like oh my gosh I would love to do something similar and even if you want to do something specifically just like that and you want to look just like them and this that that's obviously fine go for it but it's really just thinking about when you are trying to rid yourself of who you naturally are right or when you feel a lot of resistance and you're forcing yourself or you're telling yourself these stories about how you need to be in this world in order to be successful or beautiful or to be loved understand that you have a lot of stories that you tell yourself about how you need to be but these are simply stories that you have grown up on right when I was younger because nobody looked like me nobody had the same hair type as me nobody whatever I didn't learn to love my hair type at all I thought that I wasn't pretty because I didn't see anyone looking like me who was getting picked by the boy is there was so many things that just weren't a reflection of me but that did not mean that my hair wasn't beautiful that did not mean that I wasn't beautiful I was just around certain circumstances and certain people that made me think even if they didn't actually try and do that made me think that I wasn't actually beautiful and so I had to grow up and really unlearn these things and understand it was my environment or it was somebody over here who told me I wasn't pretty because they didn't think I was pretty that's fine I'm not your cup of tea so just really kind of thinking thinking about the stories that you tell yourself where these might come from I talk a lot about this in my book we do a lot of Shadow work talk in my book and there's Journal prompt guides help you get to the root of some of these negative thoughts and just like judgments of yourself that are just not needed okay next mindset shift I need you to think about this so when you are comparing yourself to someone or even in competition you really are putting this person on a pedestal right so they're better than you in your mind they're better than you they have more money they are prettier they are skinnier fitter whatever they're just better than you okay and that doesn't feel good and that is why you clicked on this video so you want to know how to stop basically having this person on the pedestal how you really stop doing that is to stop obsessing over them and to obsess over yourself because the more you obsess over someone else the more you're just perpetuating the story that they are better than you okay you need to understand that you are the one that gives people value you are the one that gives people power okay so if you want your power back and if you want to feel like you are valuable feel good in your body your mind your life everything you need to stop giving so much to other people in the form of attention and Obsession essentially now we're not talking about belittling people and thinking oh my God okay I'll just like think about them as losers or whatever respectfully we can acknowledge people for how they are and how successful they are and we can use their traits right and we can take them for our own and we can use that to apply to our life I just think sometimes you do need to kind of give yourself some tough love and remind yourself that you are being obsessive over someone where you actually don't want to be obsessive about because that makes you feel like but you're the one that's doing it like yes we understand that maybe somebody is really pretty or successful or whatever they are but you're the one that's making them be like that in a way I hope you understand what I mean by that yes of course they are successful and they are whatever but you are putting so much value and meaning on them by you giving your beautiful amazing attention to them versus yourself so I really really want you to start obsessing over yourself which you will find when you start obsessing over yourself and caring more about yourself and where you're going in your life you tend to not compare yourself so much because you don't have time to obsess you don't have time to think about how this person's so pretty or so successful or so much money because you are working on yourself reminding yourself of how amazing you are how beautiful you are you're pouring into yourself your self-care your routines your money your finances your success your everything now to combat this Obsession because it's good to have a healthy obsession over yourself and it's good to to have a healthy level of comparison in a way that is healthy of saying wow this person is successful beautiful amazing I would love to take some traits from them and see how I can use it in my own unique life and allow me to flourish because that is what I do as a human being all that is amazing but I do want to bring you back to reality and the reality is there is so much more to life than your look then your success then you measuring up then you producing and just hitting goals in your life okay and I really need you to remind yourself of that and I also need you to start finding people who also know that it is okay that you look up to people and you have goals and you're wanting to just be the best version of you and it's okay that you have friends who want to do that I think that that's amazing I have all my friends are just so successful and so amazing but there starts to be a level of obsession sometimes that we get that is counterproductive and is actually annoying and repelling sometimes to people as well of this constant need of always Measuring Up and always hitting goals and life is not to be lived fully like that I think that sometimes we take life too seriously and I always just think about you know the people who are constantly always always talking about their success on one hand you want to check yourself to see if that's just a insecurity of yours as to why you don't want to hear them talk about their successes of course but let's say you have a healthy level of confidence within yourself it can definitely start to be annoying to be around somebody who only ever talks about that because like life is more important than just that than the way you measure up to people even when it comes to looks right it is so exhausting being around women and I'm saying women because I'm a woman and I've experienced this with women but yes men they do their own measures of success usually in relation to like money and things like that but whatever just a blanket statement it is really exhausting when you are around women who are so obsessed with making sure that they look the best and they talk about their looks all the time and they talk about all the things that they want when it comes to like material items and all the cool places that they must go it's like okay there's so much more to life there's so much more to this conversation that we can have other than just the way we measure up to somebody or to some woman or to some you know what I mean so I think you just have to know when to check yourself I've had to check myself many times in my life of being like okay Alicia like stop caring so much about this it's kind of annoying even to myself right like you kind of want to just get annoyed by yourself sometimes of being like okay like am I really just going to spend my entire life caring so much like this much about my looks or like this much about my finances or this much about my freaking successes like it's enough and that's usually a result of not feeling confident in other areas of your life so you just feel like the only way that you're going to feel good about yourself is you know through your job or through your looks or through your whatever so you want to kind of focus on balancing those things out but just reminding yourself like life is to be lived life is not to always just be comparing and Measuring Up and success and I think you learn a lot of that when you actually do hit those goals and you get those accomplishments and you become the version of you that you've always wanted I know I have in many ways I have learned to love my hair I've learned to look at myself like I'm beautiful like I'm unique I have been successful when it comes to YouTube My podcast and making the money that I want and living my life and my condo and my relationships and friendships and all these things I have accomplished a lot of these things and I still realize huh there's you know more to life than just these things like yes it's amazing that I've accomplished these things but I'm happy that I've learned also that these are not everything and what is everything is real connection with people uh to go out into the present moment and live life and it not just be this tip fortat game or this comparison and it gets really tiring and you build a lot of fake friendships and fake confidence actually through caring so much about the way you measure up against people and again it's a balance yes I feel amazing that I have been successful of course I can't deny it I can't deny that there's a part of my confidence that comes from being successful but there is a cap and you can totally tell the difference between somebody who is really actually confident within themselves and humble and somebody who is clearly only getting their Confidence from the numbers that they hit or the money that they make or how pretty they look it's not not the worst thing in the world but in my personal opinion I do not want to live under the shackles of accomplishments success money and looks all of the time it's exhausting I want to be a human being I want to not care so much which leaves me into another thing which is dismantling and deconstructing your perfectionist mindset it will get you a long way when it comes to comparing and competing with others so what do I mean by this when you allow yourself to be imperfect when you allow room for error when you say I'm allowed to have a bad hair day I'm allowed to have not the best skin day I don't always have to have the most fit body in every chapter of my life when you allow yourself to be human you find yourself comparing yourself less because you understand that you are not going to always measure up against that other person you stop getting triggered into feeling like cra C about yourself every time you see a pretty girl or every time you see somebody hit a milestone or success because you understand you're on your own Journey you know what yep I'm not there yet financially I'm not there yet bodywise I'm not there yet success-- wise I'm not there yet and that is totally fine you know why because I allow myself to grow and evolve and I understand that I do not have to be perfect I do not have to be as successful as this person over here whether it's this chapter of life or ever I don't ever have to be as successful as that person I don't ever have to have that much money as that person in order to feel good about myself or to be successful in my life I don't I can if I want to but I do not have to and how you have that mindset is to understand that you are a flawed human being and you're allowed to have those days you are allowed to not be like other people you just will be even if you don't really want to okay that is just how life goes and it's beautiful and it makes you different and it makes you unique and it makes you be very attractive in my personal opinion I think people are attracted to things that are not exactly like them and a lot of times when we're comparing ourselves it's because we want attention we want validation we want people to see us and to love us but the truth is you just being yourself and you being unique and a flawed human being will attract the right people you will get that love you will get that attention you will get that success in your own unique way so how beautiful is that and it's literally a win-win situation for you you don't have to be the most perfect version of yourself to get love and attention and validation you don't it's just a story in your head and I think you do learn this when you get older and you get exposed to life outside of your schooling system or your small friend groups or even pockets on social media right you can kind of be in these communities but once you break free from certain communities whether it's online or offline you start to see whoa there's so many different types of people who like different things there's so many different men who don't like the same type of girl there's so many different ways you can be successful there's so many ways to build an audience or different communities out there I don't have to be like that person I don't have to look like that person and a lot of the times the reason why you think you have to be like that other person you have to look like that girl or you have to be that successful at the age of whatever age you're at is just societal Norms okay it's stories but understand this there's many different societal Norms there's many different stories that you can subscribe to you have a world filled with people who are interested in different things than you there's so many people who see beauty within you the way that nobody did when you were younger there's so many people who are interested in actually the same weird things that you are but you just weren't raised around them but it's going to be up to you to change your mindset about how small your world is your world is a lot bigger than you think think about the time when you first found somebody online or even in person that you're like oh my God I thought nobody was like me trust me there's a lot of people who are like you you just might not see them in your immediate life right now go seek them out stop trying to change yourself and morph yourself into people that are not like you that you don't even want to be like okay that you don't need to be like go find your people your community keep seeking stop putting yourself to to the side stop putting these people up here and yourself down here just because you have a different deck of cards trust me I have done that so many times in my life and I said absolutely not this is ridiculous it is not needed there are so many people who will accept me for me who will love me for me and I have to go find that okay that is your job as an adult even if you are really young listening to this episode it's going to be your job to go out there and find those people and do not stop until you find them stop dismantling your own uniqueness just because you haven't found anyone who is going to love you and appreciate you the way you deserve but this starts with accepting yourself first loving yourself first telling yourself I don't need to be that person exactly like them I don't have to be the most Flawless human being to be loved I don't have to even put myself around these people anymore if they do not serve me remove yourself from people plac and things that don't serve you okay put your attention and your focus on yourself become obsessed with yourself in the most beautiful loving way and the last thing that I will say is a confidence piece there are just going to be things in your life that will build your confidence other than you just telling yourself that you're amazing and beautiful okay what are those things simple things doing the things you know you need to do to become a better you okay okay I don't mean what everyone else is doing I mean you know what you need to do on a daily basis waking up getting on routine working on your mindset hitting your goals having some sort of vision for yourself dreaming aspiring trying failing allowing yourself to cry allowing yourself to fail allowing yourself to get back up over and over and over and over and over and over again okay that is what you need to do focus on that focus on your own path but understand that yes to have real confidence is to take action is to show up for yourself so if you're finding that you're constantly comparing yourself and judging yourself and competing listen most likely a lot of that attention that you are putting on that other person has not been put on yourself and if you start to put that attention on yourself you will find you don't really care as much because you are getting up and doing your workouts and taking care of yourself the best way that you can and accepting yourself and allowing yourself to be imperfect and reading and evolving and doing the things that you know you want to be doing now I'm actually going to just read a little blurb from my book which I haven't done in a very long time maybe I should start doing this a little bit more but I was talking about reframing perfectionism this is on page 97 if you have my book then maybe you will remember this so I wrote something that's really helped me move from the perfectionist mindset is realizing that perfection is simply an illusion furthermore looking at the long-term consequences of aiming to be Flawless has actually led me further and further from who I am trying to become a hard but freeing truth that I came to is that there are too many people on this Earth for me to be everyone's cup of tea I don't need to be the desire to be piter perfect emerged from the desire to be loved and accepted by everyone but the more I learned how to be there for myself and self soothed during times of hardship I came to find that I didn't actually need the entire world to fill the void that I was experiencing in fact learning how to create a life filled with meaningful friendships connections and self-love is what I needed most and this is kind of my favorite part here half of the people I was seeking love and validation from didn't even love themselves let alone know how to love me so why keep chasing something that wouldn't even know what to do with my love when I presented it and this is stemming from a story that I wrote in the beginning of my book about how I went on this glowup journey and I really wanted to change my appearance and I wanted to um hit goals and do all these things and a lot of that had to do with the fact that I just wanted love and attention and validation from other people because that's what you do as a human being and that's not a bad thing right to want to even be successful and you want to be loved in all these things but when it's all external it's never going to be enough and no matter what I was trying to do with my life I just wasn't feeling good Within Myself and I had to realize that a lot of the things that I was seeking validation from love attention even success a lot of those things weren't even the things that were going to make me feel good within myself because I needed to obviously learn how to do that within myself but even when it came to seeking validation and attention from other people especially for men I was talking about that in my book um half of these people didn't even know wouldn't even know what to do with my love if I gave it to them and quite frankly I was giving my love and my attention and my everything to people who just were lost themselves who didn't even know how to recognize a beautiful unique amazing person and the people who actually were for me didn't require me to be anyone but myself and I felt like I had to change and I had to morph myself into being this person and that's how somebody was going to love me and that's how somebody was going to connect to me and that's how somebody was going to X Y and Z and that's actually not the case I had to learn to love myself by saying you know what Alicia you can always evolve and you can be successful and you can change yourself but you're allowed to be imperfect you're allowed to be the person that you are with your curly hair and you being mixed and you being from this uh lifestyle and you having this type of money and this career and this whatever and you're going to find somebody who's going to love all of you and that's exactly what happened but it happened first by looking at myself and being like I'm lovable the way that I am I don't need to strip myself from all this uniqueness that I am why do I even want to do that anyways why why would I want to try and strip myself and look like everyone else and mor of into somebody who would be loved by somebody who only cares about the surface level and trust me I I had those relationships I had those friendships where I cared a lot about the looks and the success and the money and how we measure up to each other and this that none of those friendships were healthy none of those relationships were relationships where I would ever even think that I ever would want to marry that person or have children with those people because they cared about the wrong things they cared about things that didn't matter they cared about oh this girl and her body and how good she makes me look or how I can buy this girl's attention or this no I'm not I don't want to I'm good on that I want to find people who care more about living in the present moment and having real connections and laughing and just being imperfect and learning about life than to care about those stupid mundane things that will not matter when we get older I promise you they will not and you need to find people who also don't give an f about those things as well you can have people who are successful in your life who take care of themselves who have expectations who have standards who have goals but find people who don't take life so seriously I promise you it is the most beautiful life that you will create for yourself so I hope this episode helped you in some way I hope it just gave you reminders of anything these are some things that I have to remind myself when I find myself like oh damn this person is being really successful over here or or whatever A lot of the times it just has to do with the fact that my attention hasn't been on myself I haven't really been stepping up and hitting my goals or I just have to remind myself okay that's fine that that person's successful but I'm On My Own Lane I'm on my own trajectory I'm on my own chapter right now is there something that I can learn from this person okay you know what actually this person's really good with their money or this person is you know damn she cares about herself a lot she goes to the gym all the time all right I'm going to pick up those traits and I'm going to do a little bit more for myself but I'm not going to look at myself like I'm a loser because this person has this over here I'm also going to understand that I had a deck of cards that were different than the other person's deck of cards and there's not a point on me looking at myself and being like wow you should have done better you should have been here by now says who says who says who says who says who Society old stories all of these things just keep you stuck okay I promise you there's no point on spending all of your days keeping yourself where you're you're at don't you want to go further in your life it's going to be you that is going to allow yourself to get there so release the stories and if you need help with releasing the stories definitely pick up my book it'll be linked down below you can get it at your bookstores Amazon really wherever you get your bookstores in most countries so I hope you guys enjoyed and I'll see you in the next one bye