Transcript for:
Nonviolent Communication

But first let me begin by clarifying the purpose of nonviolent communication Its purpose is to help you to do what you already know how to do Now why do we need to learn something today that you already know how to do Because sometimes we forget to do this We forget because we've been educated to forget now what is it that i'm talking about that we already know how to do the purpose of this process is to help us to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible natural giving possible what do i mean by natural giving let me do you a song to make it clear what i mean by natural giving i never feel more given to than when you take from me when you understand the joy i feel caring for you and you know my giving isn't done to put you in my debt but because i want to live the love i feel for you to receive with grace may be the greatest giving there's no way that i can separate the two when you give to me I give you my receiving and when you take from me i feel so given to you all know that giving you know how to do it and that's what i'm interested in by remembering to stay with that quality of giving moment by moment in any connection but we also all know that it's easy to lose it it's easy to lose that connection so that instead of enjoying that quality of giving which is possible every moment in every contact we have in spite of how precious that is we forget and instead of playing the game that that song is about which i call making life wonderful for us it's the most fun game i've ever heard instead much of the time we play another game called who's right have you ever played that game? it's a game where everybody loses so isn't this amazing that we all know about this quality of giving that this song is about it's possible every moment we find that the richest thing to do and much of our right we end up playing who's right now the game of who's right involves two of the most devious things human beings have ever come upon one - punishment see cause if you're wrong in the game of who's right you deserve to suffer can you imagine a more diabolical concept to educate people so if you haven't already abstained from punishment i'm sure by the end of the day that will no longer be a part of your consciousness no more punishment we won't do it in your families we'll get rid of it with criminals it just makes things more violent we'll find other ways to deal with other nations beside punishment no more punishment no more reward it's the same game see it's part of the game of who's right you're right than you get rewarded wrong you get punished no more no more it's created enough violence on the planet no more guilt induction see no more shame no more concepts of duty and obligation just what the song is about natural giving so how did we get off target we get off target according to walter wink theologian who writes in his book "The powers that be" we got off target about 5000 years ago we lost we got off target because we started to get some wild thinking wild thinking that human beings are innately evil when you believe that human beings are innately evil than the things aren't going as we would like what's the corrective process the corrective process is penitence see the people are evil you think that the way to bring about change when people are behaving in the way you don't like is to make people hate themselves for what they did so for these political reasons and theological reasons we started to develop a language that i call jackal language language that cuts us off from life and makes it very easy to do to be violent very easy to be violent in fact in that book i mentioned wink says that domination cultures one of the things you have to educate people is to make violence enjoyable see and we've done a good job with that we make violence enjoyable in our culture two hours a night from seven to nine when children are watching the television the most in 75% of the programs they watch the hero kills somebody or beats them up you see so we and when does this happen at the climax of the program we've been educated for quite a while to make violence enjoyable so even thought i think what that song was about is what is really closer to our nature this natural giving we've been educated to make violence enjoyable and educated in a way we can even be violent to our children so what is jackal language like? see jackal language i've mentioned is language of moralistic judgment you think in terms of who's right who's wrong who's bad and when you mention change yes we want change at times so how you get change in the jackal system watch a parent tryin' to bring about change in the child this is the parent teaching a young child say one of the most important words in jackal say you're sorry i'm sowy you're not really sorry i can see it you're not really sorry i'm sorry okay i forgive you can you imagine a game like that? can you imagine a parent responding to a child that way? and if a parent is gonna do that to a child in their own family what are they gonna do to people from other cultures who behave in a way they don't appreciate so of course you're gonna have violence wherever you've got this kind of thinking in cultures that do not have this thinking you don't see violence you see so that's how we got off target even though we could be playing the game make life wonderful each moment we have been educated for quiet a while to play another game - who's right so what are the parts of this game of who's right i've just mentioned one of them one part is moralistic judgment learning how to go up to our head and think basically in terms of right and wrong good and bad normal abnormal i learned this game very well i speak several dialects of jackal i grew up speak - i grew up in detroit we spoke a rather harsh dialect of jackal we might call it detroit jackal for example if i'm out driving and someone is driving in the way that i don't like and again i want to install change you see i roll down the window idiot! now theoretically the person is supposed to repent see i confess i was wrong sir i will change the error of my ways it's a great theory it didn't work i've tried it more than once it doesn't work so i thought maybe it was because that particular dialect of jackal so i decided to get a more cultured use of jackal so i went to the university and got a doctor's degree in professional jackal now when somebody's driving in a way i don't like i roll down the window psychopath! still doesn't work you see there's another part of this language of jackal amtsprache amtsprache that's very important you see a language that denies choice denies the responsibility for our actions i use the word amtsprache for this part having read an interview with the nazi war criminal adolf eichmann at his trial for war crimes in jerusalem eichmann was asked: was it hard to send tens of thousands of people to their death? and eichmann answered, candidly he said: to tell you the truth, it was easy. our language made it easy. that interview shocked that that answer shocked his interviewer and his interviewer said: what language? eichmann said: in fact my fellow nazi officers and i we had our own name for our language. we called it amtsprache. amt in german means office and sprache language i'd call that bureaucratic language he was asked for some examples eichmann said: it's a language in which you deny responsibility for your your actions so if somebody asks you why you did it you say: I had to. then you don't feel so bad, if you "have to" do it, you see, and not be responsible but why did you "have to", jackal? - superior's orders. company policy. they made me do it. i couldn't do elsewhat. very dangerous language, amtsprache. very dangerous. we had giraffe schools - i use the word giraffe you see, it's a symbol for non-violence. we'll see today that the language we're gonna study is the language of the heart and so i use giraffe language for that because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal so uhm giraffe requires always being conscious of choice you see we never do anything that we don't choose to do but i was teaching giraffe to a group of parents and teachers in one community and we have giraffe schools throughout the world we have five in israel, four in palestine some in serbia, and so forth and in giraffe schools of course we wanna make sure that certainly that the teachers and parents never use amtsprache one of the most dangerous languages in the world to teach a child you have to do something so i was saying this one time in st louis, missouri, to a group of parents and teachers and a mother got very upset, she said: but there are some things you have to do, whether you like to do it or not it's our job as parents to teach our children what they have to do i mean there's thing i do every day that i hate to do but there just are some things you have to do whoa, I said, can you give me any example she said: well, easy, there's so many. let me think okay, like when i leave here tonight i have to go home and cook i hate to cook i hate it with a passion but i've done it every day for twenty years even when i've been sick well, i said, i'll be very happy today to show you another way of thinking another language that i hope would open up happier possibilities for you well i'm pleased to report she was a rapid giraffe student she went home that very evening and announced to her family that she no longer wanted to cook i got some feedback from her family feedback came two weeks later when i swung through that city again and was doing an evening workshop and who shows up but her two older sons she had four sons they came up at the beginning to introduce themselves I said: hey I'm glad you guys came up here I've been very curious what's going on in your family your mother's been calling me regularly telling me about all the changes she made in her life since the training like what happened that first night when she came home and announced that she no longer wanted to cook? the oldest son said to me: marshall, i said to myself, thank go i said: help me understand that one you see i said to myself, now maybe she won't complain at every meal you see you see natural giving -what i started the day off, with that song- anything we do in life that isn't coming out of that energy we pay for it and everybody else pays for it anything we do out of fear of punishment if we don't - everybody pays for it anything we do for a reward - everybody pays for it everything we do to make people like us - everybody pays for it everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation - everybody pays for it that isn't what we were designed for we were designed to enjoy giving to give from the heart um, marshall, i'm over here - my son brought me to one of your seminars and i met you some ten years ago yes in oakland yes now i'm tryna bring my son back i'm here and he said last night when i told him i was coming here he said - why don't you go and have a couple of appointments uh maybe you could teach me something so i thought i would come to learn something maybe i could teach him what i'd like to teach him - and i don't know how to do that - i'd like to teach him to at least give me the time of day to communicate with him he doesn't do that willingly when i try to demand it it make things come worse so how do it do that? well, that would be a good situation to work on today cause i'm gonna ask everyone to think of a situation right now when somebody's behaving in a way you don't like so in this case it's your son when you ask him to communicate he says no the first thing i suggest is you can't teach anybody anything and to have that as an objective is itself creating problems so let's change the objective let's never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody if that's your objective you'll create resistance so that'll be my first suggestion today never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody that clear? yup. okay so what you do then, give up? oh no, no. see this is, this is the thinking that's been shaped in us by jackal see the game of who's right - win-lose. so that if we can't change and win than the option we think of is to be a chump and lose you see we've been educated to think in those two ways: win lose. right wrong no, i'll show you a way. another option. okay, let's get into it. let's give you a chance to practice it some of you have already thought of situations such as somebody you want very much to communicate with they say no so think of somebody at the moment who is behaving in a way that is not making life wonderful for you and you'd like to get to the place that the song was about where everybody's needs can get met and people are giving to one another from the heart, willingly not out of coercion, you see let's see if we can show you a process to get there in this situation to get everybody's needs met and where people give willingly, not out of any coercion so maybe you are living at home maybe you choose today to work on a child that you're living with at home who says horrible horrible jackal things such as no you laugh - you try living with one for a while please brush your teeth - no maybe you are living at home with a jackal-speaking partner who says horrible jackal things such as: that hurts me when you say that we'll see today that it's a violent act, to say others make you feel as you do to imply that others can make you feel hurt, or angry maybe at work somebody's behaving in a way you don't like they come late they're not producing as well as you would like maybe your next door neighbour has been sexually molesting children - whoever you wanna pick somebody who's behaving in a way you don't like and you'd like to see how we would arrive at the objective of creating the quality of connection that will get everybody's needs met through natural giving that's our objective okay? now, open up your materials to the last page, second to the last page, at the top it says expressing how we are and what we would like and it says under a: think of someone who does something that makes life something less than wonderful for you so there's person whom i'm asking you to think about who's presently behaving in a way you're not crazy about and what i'd like you to do is answer this question, right here: one thing that the person does that you don't like we're gonna work on one specific action that the person does that you don't like to get you familiar with the process today maybe the person does several things, but we're gonna show you how the process works by showing you how to communicate with the person about one specific thing they did so write under A) one specific thing person does that you don't like now when I was here in San Francisco working with the school system back in the seventies the superintendent in this school asked me to go into an elementary school he said: the parents are complaining about the quality of relationship between these teachers and the administrator they said the tension in the school is so great that the parents want to take their children out of the school so he asked if I would go in see if I could open up better communication between the staff and the administrator the plan was I would meet first with the teachers and then get the teachers and the administrator together so in my meeting with the teachers i started with the question that i just asked you i asked the teachers: can you tell me one thing that the administrator does, that makes it hard for you to work with him? I was asking for an observation a concrete behavior what is one thing he does the first teacher to respond said: he has a big mouth. now can you see the difference between the question I ask and the answer I got? I did not ask: what size mouth does the principal have? so this teacher was giving me an evalution an analysis that implies wrongness you see we've been so trained to think that way that sometimes we can't separate fact and opinion what we always see is our enemy image whether it's an individual or a nation we have been trained to think in enemy images wrongness it obscures reality we don't see the behavior, we just see our enemy image in his book "Out of weakness" Andrew Schmookler says that when cultures are taught to think this way not to just see the person but an image a judgment they've made bombs are never far away you see so i pointed this out to the gentleman that this was not an answer to my question i wanted to know one thing that principal did this man was stuck, he just couldn't get it the woman sitting next to him tried to help she says: well I know what he's referring to i said: ok, help him out what's one thing that the principal does? he talks too much no, too much is a judgment i asked for an observation not a judgment see this is how jackal-speaking people think they really had been brought up to think there is such a thing as a just right amount of everything and too much, and too little and that they know what it is you see - they think that way doesn't make resolving conflict too easy with them people have an idea that there's a right and a too much and a too little and they know what it is and especially when they mix it up with an observation I was just asking what does the person do and again for the second time this person couldn't see the behavior separate from the judgment a third person tried to help well i know what they're talking about okay, what? he thinks he's the only one that has anything worth saying no, telling me what you think he thinks is an evaluation you're making of what you think is going on in his head i was asking for what does he do a fourth woman said: he wants to be the center of attention all the time i said: now you're giving me a judgment or a diagnosis of his motives even if it's accurate, it's a diagnosis of his motives it's not an observable behavior my question was: what does he do? now the entire faculty sits there quiet nobody can answer the question and one of the women said to me: boy, marshall, that's hard to do yes, in fact the philosopher Krishnamurti says that to observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence so those of us who had been taught to think in these enemy images immediately to think - right, wrong, bad, normal, abnormal, appropriate, inappropriate, too this, too that - we can't see reality all we see is our enemy images well with great effort on my part I finally got them to get rid of the images and answer this simple question: what does he do? there was several things, but the one that they wanted particularly to start working with him on was this: that during their once a week faculty meetings, regardless of what was on the agenda, he would relate it to a war experience or a childhood experience and the average meeting lasted twenty minutes longer than it was scheduled okay - that answered my question of what he did he talked about war experiences, childhood experiences rather than sticking to the agenda i said: have you called that to his attention? they said: well, we can see now that when we try to talk to him about it these other judgments get mixed in and he gets defensive so they thought it would be a good idea to talk to him about it but they asked if i would be at the meeting, just in case so i attended their next staff meeting and i saw rather quickly what they were talking about because almost as soon as an issue came up the principal would say - oh that reminds me of a time, and he would start to tell a story and i was waiting for somebody to confront him on this, in giraffe but instead of that, there was a lot of nonverbal jackaling going on people were going like this: rolling their eyes poking the person next to them yawning looking at their watches holding the watches up to the ear and i watched this scenario going on for a while and i said: excuse me, but isn't somebody gonna say something now there's a silence and a man who spoke up in our first meeting i could just see him getting his courage up and he looks at the principal and says: ed, you have a big mouth so, let's see if whether what you wrote down answered the question i asked is it an observable behavior or did you mixed in any evaluation? and my two friends here will help us to make this evaluation um this animal has been taught to somewhat like a police dog to sniff out narcotics if there's any jackal mixed in, he will howl if you answered the question, this animal will dance my dad blames my wife for my choices he does what? - he blames my wife for my choices. yeah. "blames" is a judgment that's already putting evaluation into it dad, do you see yourself as blaming her? - no, i see myself as calling attention to the facts so, see, dad doesn't see that as blaming - no, I'm educating thank you, dad, yes, okay so how do we say... see, we need a direct quote we need to give... to make it an observable behavior, we need to say: my father says... what? all of his problems. - you are responsible for all of his problems? he says this to the wife: you are responsible for all of his problems. that's it. yes, that's a direct quote. that's what he says. that's giraffe language, a direct quote, okay? see, as soon as you see... have the world "blame" in your consciousness it's gonna change the whole energy with which you approach the person cause you're basically making a judgment of them is blaming which everybody knows is wrong yes? - i have the mike lately my son is not doing his history homework mhm, okay. my dad makes harsh judgments and insulting remarks. omg you killed my poor jackal. he could have handled the harsh, that was one judgment, but insulting - harsh and insulting

• those are two judgments I - he does use insulting words no, there is no such thing - after today, in fact, seriously, by 4:30 this afternoon, you will never hear another insult it won't exist insults will not exist i'm gonna show you to use some technology today that takes insults and criticism out of the way so that no matter what your father says, you can never hear another harsh statement or another insult cause we're gonna show you today to use this technology and with this technology it will be impossible for you to hear criticism harsh remarks insults with these ears - all you can hear is the only thing human beings are ever saying - please, and thank you see that's all we're gonna show you today that all that used to sound like criticism, judgments, blame are simply tragic suicidal expressions of "please" my brother yells at me to get in the car to go to school and then he makes me late to school who yells? but you see, "yells" is a kind of a bit of an evaluation now he, he speaks in a tone of voice yes okay, it's a tone of voice i was asked at lincoln high school lincoln high school in san francisco? many years ago i was asked to work with the faculty there they were having a whole lotta tension amongst the faculty racially, ethnically there was a lot of tension superintendent asked me to work there and i started the day asking: tell me something that somebody else on the faculty does that you don't like man turns to the woman next to him and says: i don't like it when you yell at our faculty meetings she says: WHO YELLS?? now she was from a different culture than this man see what was yelling in her culture was quite different and about ten minutes later when she's started to yell at him by her own definition I saw a difference you know I so he raises the voice when he's asking you to get ready for school yes just kinda gets angry at me gets angry, that's ... may be accurate, but it's a diagnosis we don't know whether his angry he might be scared that you're gonna miss school it might sound to you like angry, maybe it is, maybe it isn't but - raises the voice, has smoke coming out of his ears that you can see that's observable yes? - fifth grader jessie refuses to do his seatwork refuses is a diagnosis it may be an accurate diagnosis but it doesn't tell me what he does he says: no, i don't wanna do it he says no, i don't wanna do it. that's the behavior my husband doesn't tell me things which will affect me deeply okay - that's the first jackal husband i've ever heard of this is a new experience for me today student in my class incessantly talks loud, won't stay seated, won't keep his hands to himself i hear about three judgments in there let's go over it slowly, cause i hear three diagnosis say it again so we'll hear the three diagnosis incessantly talks loud loud is uh your interpretation louder than you would like - if you wanna say it, put it that way, louder than i would like won't stay seated - won't is a diagnosis doesn't stay in his seat after i've told him to he might in the future, we don't know whether he will or not i say that's a diagnosis doesn't, at the moment, doesn't when i ask him to stay in his seat and does not keep his hands to himself ok, since coming to the introductory presentation on Tuesday night, I've been very aware of hearing evaluations yes - in myself, and especially in other people and so i started to wander - you know, are all of those violent communications, or would there be a way that some of those are, according to this model, non-violent? i would say that any evaluation of others that implies wrongness is a tragic expression of an unmet need tragic in the sense for two reasons first - it decreases the likelihood that we will get what we want even if we don't say it out loud even if we think it if we are even thinking that what somebody else does is wrong it decreases the likelihood that we will get what we want and second, it increases the likelihood of violence so, what could be more tragic than that? than expressing ourself in a way that gets in the way in our getting what we want and increases violence anything that we want to say that implies wrongness on the part of the other person I'm suggesting is a tragic suicidal expression of an unmet need say the need learn a need consciousness which is what we'll gonna get to now you see that's how we evaluate in non-violent communication we evaluate from the heart we make judgments, but we make needs serving judgments we judge whether what people are doing is meeting needs or not we don't moralistically judge the person for what they did we judge whether it's serving life or not because needs are our direct connection with life they're the life that's goin'... needs are the life that's seeking expression within us so we evaluate with reference to that and that requires two kinds of literacy feelings, and needs. so let's be sure we are all speaking the same language when i use the term "feelings and needs" so under b), it says imagine that you are talking directly to the person and express how you feel when the person acts in the way described above and use this form - again, we're talking to the other person we're telling them now what they did and we say when you do this, I feel ... how? how do you feel, when the person does what you wrote down under a)? write that down when you do this i feel angry - okay anger is a feeling, created by unnatural thinking we get to that next when you're not ready to leave at the agreed time i feel anxious and impatient when you speak that loud, i feel intimidated intimidated is a diagnosis. be careful of words that are more descriptions of other people what you think they're doing to you, like intimidating you so write down the following as not feeling words do not mistake these words as feelings i feel misunderstood i feel used i feel manipulated i feel judged i feel criticised i feel ignored for example, aren't there times when you think somebody's ignoring you - don't you feel relieved? and at other times don't you feel angry? you see, words like that really say very little about what's alive in you they say much more how you are interpreting the other person's behavior and above all, never mistake the word "rejected" as a feeling i feel "rejected" - no. that's not a feeling, it's a suicidal interpretation okay, who's got the mike? there's the mike hurt, disappointed, disenhearted feel angry and betrayed angry, yes - AHOOO for betrayed betrayed is one of those words like intimidated, ignored, misinterpreted, used, manipulated it's more a diagnosis of the other person than a feeling what about, what about contracted? contracted? - if you mean tense, or like that okay, if it's that. when you call me up and speaking loudly tell me you are going to cut off funding i feel angry and scared uhm when you leave the dishes in the sink i feel powerless over my environment in time which feels frustrating and scary when you start talking loudly in the middle of my sentence i feel hurt because i think you are not listening to me now the feeling is great, but you're gonna lose it if you follow the word feel with the word "because I think" anytime you're thinking you're chance of getting what you need is greatly decreased especially if you follow the word "think" with the word "you" than I think you not only won't get hurt, I predict the defensive aggressive reaction so, it's gonna be hard for people to care about your feelings when you follow that with a diagnosis that implies wrongness we'll get to that next, cause we're gonna see next that we - after the feelings there's two places we don't go in one is up to our head see, we stay in the heart with feelings we don't go up to the head we stay in the heart and connect with needs but we'll get to that yeah if we want to use non-violent communication we want to be sure that we not use the feeling in a violent way because feelings can either connect us at the heart, or they can contribute to more division and violence so, we certainly do not want to ever express our feelings in this way: I feel as I do because you... okay? we never want to express our feelings this way you make me feel now that would be a hard habit to get away from because in a jackal culture feelings are very instrumental to using guilt as a way of manipulating people the way to manipulate people is if you can convince them that they make you feel as you do than they should feel guilty and change you see so it's another form of this violent game so for example if you are a parent and you wanna use feelings in a violent way rather than a connecting way you would express it this way: it really hurts me when you don't clean up your room okay? or: you make me angry when you say that! i was talking during the break about one of my happiest days as a parent twas when my oldest son went to the jackal school for the first time he had gone six years to a giraffe school that I'd help create but then he was... I wanted him to learn how to enjoy jackals as well so and in giraffe schools we also want to be aware are not always gonna be in this settings so we want them to learn how to stay with their own values regardless of which structure they're in so he comes back the first day from school and he looked less than happy and i said: how was your new school, rick? and he said: it's okay dad, but ugh-boy, some of those teachers, dad i said: what happened? he said: dad i wasn't even in the front door, really I was halfway through the front door and some man teacher comes running over and says: my, my, look at the little girl can you guess what the teacher was reacting to? yeah, my son's hair was down to his shoulders see, in a jackal school, as we all know authority knows what's right see there's a right way to wear your hair as a boy, and a wrong way a right way to do everything, and who knows
• the teacher and then what do you do if someone doesn't do it? you use shame, guilt, and so forth you use "girl" as though as an insult welcome to jackal land so i'm getting burned up ready to go do little BAT (behavior adjustment training) therapy with the teacher forgetting all about my teachings and i said to my son: how did you handle it? he said: i remembered dad that, what you said, that when you're in that kind of environment never give them the power to make you submit or rebel one of the things we wanted to teach children very early no matter what structure you're in never lose track that you are free to choose what you do don't allow institutions to determine what you do i said: hey man, that you remember that's a big get I really love that you could remember that under those conditions then what'd you do? I put on my giraffe ears, dad, try to hear what he was feeling and needing i said: you remembered to do that? what did you hear? pretty obvious, dad. looked irritated, wanted me to cut my hair hey wow, man, I'm really glad you remembered that how did that leave you feeling? dad, I felt sad for the man, he was bald and seemed to have a problem about hair so we want children same thing we want to teach adults: institutions can't make you do anything other people can't make you do anything no human being has ever done anything they didn't choose to do a palestinian in the village of Hebron disagreed with me one time he said: i don't agree with you, marshall that we only choose to do where was my choice two days ago? a soldier puts a gun at my head and says: take off your clothes or i'll shoot you where was my choice? says: seems pretty obvious to me you had a choice of whether to take off your clothes or not he laughed, he said: okay, I got your point I chose not to take off my clothes I chose that soldier knew i didn't have a gun he was doing this to dishonor me i chose to risk my life to protect my honor okay, so, i'm not saying we always like the choices we have but, nobody can make us do anything we don't choose to do so, i said, apparently the soldier also chose not to shoot you or else he was a very poor shot my children taught me this about, nobody does anything they don't choose to do from the time they were two years old they educated me that i couldn't make them do anything all i could do is make them wish they had and then they taught me another lesson that anytime i would do that they would make me wish i hadn't make them wish they had they taught me that violence creates violence Part 2: expressing needs and requests okay, the next step then we do not attribute responsibility for our feelings to the other person i never say, that you make me feel, or i feel, because you instead, we are conscious that the root of feelings are needs behind every feeling, there is a need now certain feelings tell us that there is an obstruction in our thinking that instead of our being directly connected to our needs we have chosen to go off to jackal land so what are these feelings that tell us that we're not directly connected to our needs anger depression guilt and shame those feelings are very valuable they tell us that at this moment i'm not directly connected to my needs instead we are up in our head telling ourself moralistic judgments about somebody anger - we're making moralistic judgments about somebody else depression, guilt and shame - we're playing that game on ourself but we're not alive in as i would define not being alive, which is connected to our needs yeah? do you make a distinction between needs and preferences or desires yes, we make a big difference as we'll see when we make the next step now because needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting the needs met those are preferences or strategies, or requests we make a big difference between needs, and between preferences, requests, strategies so let's get into that let's right now connect our feelings with a need let's not go up into our head and think about the other person let's go into our heart and connect our feeling with our need because needs give us the most power with people see giraffe is based on a power model power with people it increases our power with them in the sense that it increases people's willing giving to us to enjoy giving to us that's power with people we have been trained in a power-over model the use of punishment and reward that's power over people to get them to do things not because it's coming from their heart and they want to contribute to our wellbeing or to life not, they want to avoid punishment, or get a reward so we wanna increase power with people and the most powerful form of communication to do that is to bring people's attention to our needs that are not getting met when people's full attention is on our needs they hear no criticism, no demands it is natural to enjoy giving but if we hear any criticism or demand we lose connection with that natural desire to give and now we want to defend an attack so, let's learn a language of needs under c) it says, imagine again that you are talking to the person and express your reasons for feeling as you do this way: when you do what i describe, i feel as i'd expressed, because i am needing, or because i need so now, see if you can identify what need of yours is not getting met leave the word "you" out of here that will mix up need and preference leave the other person out of here just express the need without reference to the other person all needs are universal every human being in the world has the same needs so, you can look at what you said and see whether this applies what you wrote down is a true need every other human being in the world has that need we're all created out of the same energy so we really see this at the level of needs all human beings have the same needs what differs immensely is the strategies that we have been educated in for meeting the needs different cultures educate people to meed their needs in a different way but the needs are the same who wants to check their out, okay? to know that you are responsible, and honest that... notice but the other person in there i have a need to know that you are responsible and honest how do we express the need without bringing the other person in there? see now we can't bring it in one way: i have a need for your happiness or your protection, we can say that but not the way you're saying it yes? i need to be seen and heard as who i truly am now, i have an impulse to qualify that and say "free" to be...? - free. i have a need to be the last word in that sentence is who I truly am - free i have the need, who i truly am - to be free yes, that's a need we all have the important thing will come out when we get to the request cause that's a request only you can meet other people can't do that they can't meet that need so if you don't know how to meet it for yourself for freedom you won't have that need met i'm feeling a bit frustrated, because i am noticing that every thing is a strategy in other words, mine is a need for an aesthetic environment but underneath that, there is a need for serenity and my serenity doesn't come from the environment so, this entire request, starting at a) is a strategy to get something called serenity okay that's the need than i have a need for certain peace, but isn't there a need in there for certain aesthetics, that will... right, but it crumbles that house of cards for me of wanting the sink filled with dirty dishes help me understand that why wouldn't the - if you have a need for serenity but serenity doesn't come from clean sink okay, then we haven't got the right need, then or - it's not that you want the strategy, the sink cleaned up but i'm projecting that need onto the sink, thus onto a behavior of someone else well, the other person's behavior can be getting in the way of our need getting met if the dishes aren't done, it could be some needs of yours are not being met by that then you have to identify what the needs are that are not getting met i'm not sure - i'm really not sure that i'm basing my... an assumption that by having that sink clean that i'm gonna have serenity and i think it's a false distinction well the nice thing about being clear about our requests is we can test it out if i say: for my need for serenity, i'd really be grateful if you would clean up the sink the person does it and i'm still not serene okay, that helps, I know that doesn't work we never really know what we want until we get it if after we get it it makes life more miserable than we know that isn't what we wanted if it makes life more wonderful, than we know that is - you know, a strategy
• that will meet our need that's what makes life fun we never know what we want until after we get it that's why paul tillich, the theologian, says that christianity requires the willingness to sin courageously you ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs, you get it, it makes life worse okay - now i want that isn't what i want wouldn't it be boring to know what is real yes? when, okay, when you do what i described i feel as i expressed, because i need respect and aknowledgement, and i need to be able to feel safe in my job environment i hear needs in there, yes when you do what i described, i feel as i expressed because i need to express my desires and need without it hurting you no, no, no, now we got a bunch of stuff in there oh, shoot if you want to avoid hurting other people the only way i can offer you to do that is to become a nice dead person yup because if other people have jackal ears, they can get hurt if you have heartburn so what, i just cut off that second half? just... i need to express my desires and needs? yes, and then what you wanna say to yourself and i wanna do to enjoy your pain which is, we're gonna show you after lunch how to enjoy the other person's pain oooh, that's sounds... it's one of the most loving things you could do, you see as i would define it, obviously i don't mean in a sadistic way yes? so, i have a couple i'm working on one of them is: because i have a need for predictability i have a need for predictability, okay and the other one would be: because i have a need for privacy yeah my need is for comradeship, and acknowledgment of my comradeship i have a need to memorialize the life of your father, and in doing so honor the life of your entire family you have a need to honor this life, yes i have a need to have communication with other people that is open and supportive of life your need for supporting of life, openness, okay? when you do this, i feel hurt because i have a need to be heard and understood yes, very important need that need for understanding, to be heard to be listened to, empathy there's different ways of expressing it but it's a critical need one that we have daily daily, yes bottom line: i have a need to love you and to let your loving i have a need to love, but don't bring the other person in there i have a need for love i have a need to let loving and to let love, yes see, our needs don't when we believe that our needs involve another person doing something we take a very abundant world, and make it scarce very quickly so we don't wanna mix up our needs and request we may have a request, a strong request that a particular person meet our need for love that's a strategy we may want this particular person but we don't have a need for that person to love us that's mixing up the need and the request we have a need for love we have a strong preference this person takes the action to meet that need we don't wanna mix up the need and the strategy ok, let's take one more and then we'll gotta move on yes? yeah, I'm confused it this is a need or a strategy okay i need to feel loved aah, love is a very important word i need love, yes but now, that word "love" is so important that it's, we gotta get real clear about what we mean about it when we use it as a giraffe that's what happens when a giraffe and a jackal get together on this love see, this is it watch this jackal ask a very dangerous question, but notice that the giraffe is too smart ever to answer this question watch do you love me? jackal, before i can answer your question honestly i need to get some important things clear are you using the word "love" as a feeling? well, of course okay, well i needed to get that clear so you mean, am i feeling certain warm, cuddly, tender feelings toward you yes okay, i needed to get this clear cause see we giraffes do not use the word "love" as a feeling it's much too important to get it confused with a feeling it's a need for us but since you use it as a feeling okay, i'm glad to know that so would you please than, now that i know that, would you ask the question again? do you love me? when? when?? well, i want to be honest i can see how important this is to you but how can i be honest with you about what i feel toward you without reference to a specific moment? feelings change every few seconds life is changing feelings are part of life, so i'd have to know a specific time and place to ever answer your question of how i feel what about right now? no but try again in a few moments so you see, to a giraffe love is a need and it's a need for which we must be very clear about what requests do we have of other people to meet that need now, once again what happens, with reference to that if we are in a love relationship with a jackal i want you to love me oh, so you have a need for love, jackal, and you're giving me the honor of wanting do you to meet that need yes i really see how important the need of love is so i want to be clear what you would like for me to meet your need could you tell me what you are requesting of me to meet your need now the poor jackals they don't live in the moment you see and to make a clear request you have to live now you have to be clear what you want so watch how the jackal handles this so could you tell me, what you want me to do? to meet your need for love? oh, you know nah, i'm not sure i do i really see how important this need is for you so can you tell me, specifically, what you would like me to meet your need for love well, it's hard to say in so many words if it's hard for you to say, jackal, can you see how hard it will be fore me to do? I never thought of that so what would you like me to do? to meet your need for love? it's embarrassing to get clear yes, it is, cause much of our oppression in close relationships comes from saying to people: i want you to respect me, i want you to love me i want you to understand me without being real clear what we want when we say that so what are you wanting, jackal, when you say you want me to love you? i want you to guess what i want before i even know what it is and i want you always to be willing to do it thank you for defining it that way, jackal would you please find someone else to meet your need for love? most jackals that carry that definition of love around with them find out how impossible it is to meet on about their fifth divorce you see, they keep thinking that they're gonna find the right person to love them not realizing the problem is how they're defining love and what they want from other people to meet their need for love to see that it's impossible to meet that need which brings us to the next step in the process how to make clear requests after we have expressed our unmet needs and a clear request defined in giraffe is first, it's a positive action we say what we do want not what we don't want so a woman gave me a very good example of what happens when you say what you don't want in a workshop, she said: you really helped me understand what happened recently, Marshall I said to my husband: I don't want you spending so much time at work and then I got furious with him when he sign up for a gold tournament the teacher gave me a similar example: she said, just yesterday, marshall, i said to this young boy: please I don't want you tapping on your book while i'm talking so he started to tap on his desk saying what we don't want doesn't make clear what we do want but worse than that if we frame our objectives in getting rid of something it leads to violence very often it makes violence seem attractive when we try to get rid of something for example, i was working with some teachers in a school in rockford, illinois their observable behavior they wanted to work on was on the average every three months thirty eight broken windows in school so we got down to requests i said: what do you want, different, from the students? it's obvious, we don't want them breaking windows so you're saying you don't want the children breaking windows yes, what should we do? kill them research has demonstrated dead children break no windows almost anytime we think of what we wanna get rid of it makes violence look attractive and as stupid as that example was i just gave you look at newspaper any given day and see how many world leaders are saying: we're gonna teach them not to we're gonna get them to stop and think violence is going to... see it always make violence seem attractive to you it's only as i said earlier when we get two questions clear: what do we want people to do and what do we want their reasons to be for doing it? then i think we'll see violence never works okay, so we wanna say what we wanna say in the positive what do we want the other person to do what do we want them to start doing differently and second, that it needs to be clear action language we can't do what this one wife did with her husband who came to the workshop with her she said: i want you to listen to me when i talk he said: i do listen no, you don't yes, i do no, you don't they told me they'd had this same conversation for eleven years the problem is with the word listen what does that...? we can use the word listen as a need i have a need to be listened to but when we move to request, we need to speak action language what specific action do we want this person to take? we can't use the word "to be" i want you to be more friendly not doable we can't use feeling language i want you to feel confidence in yourself that's not doable so we need to be able to make very concrete request try it out with what is under d) there in relation to what the other person did and your feelings and needs in relation to the action imagine you're talking directly to the person and express a request using this form: I would like you to... what do you want the person to do to meet your needs i want you to obey my instruction let's use the word "i want you to do what i told you to do" i want you to do what i told you to and if you were a giraffe you would give that to the person with a little card that said: but please, do as i requested only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck please, do not do as i request, if there is any fear of punishment motivating you please do not do as i request out of... hope for reward, that i would like you if you do please do not do as i request out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation life is too short to do anything for anybody out of that so, what i'm getting at is: when we do make a request we want it to be sure that the person trusts that it's a request not a demand so we'll come back to that le'ts just work on the clarity of the request to begin with yes, so what is your request? i would like you to do what was agreed upon okay give me the space to complete my thoughts too vague, give me the space let me...? let me is not doable let me show you what i mean a woman said to her husband came to the workshop i want you to give me the freedom to be myself he says: i do no, you don't i said: hold it, hold it give me the freedom is not doable let me? no, that's not doable allow me? that's not doable what do you want from him when you say "give you the freedom to be yourself"? it's embarrassing yeah? well say it say it out loud what do you want when you say all of that i want him to smile and say it's okay no matter what i do okay, now you're honest you see, so what do you want? i wanna express myself yes, you can do that nobody can stop you from expressing yourself no, i'm getting interrupted you want the other person to wait until you finish speaking? yes before starting? yes okay, that's a doable action so how do we know? you can only tell whether it's a request or a demand by how i treat you if you don't do it that's what tells people whether we are making requests or demands what is their memory of how we act when we don't get what we want? if people have in their memory any punishment on our part in the past when they don't do what we want any blame it will now be hard for them to trust that we are making a request and not a demand it will take the joy out of giving to us so let's follow that example a little bit more for me to show you what i mean so i say to you I'm really lonely this evening and... have a need for some company would you be willing to spend the evening with me? and you say, marshall, i am really preoccupied with some things at work and i really need some space to myself this evening could you find someone else to be with you this evening? and here's my reaction: two days later: you: what's the matter? nothing you: come on, what's the matter? you knew how lonely i was if you loved me... now was it a request or a demand? we can't tell from how nicely it was asked we need to see how the person treats us when we don't do what they want that's when we trust that they make requests and not demands we are going to pay for every time in the past when we used any coercive means to get what we wanted so now at least we don't want them to paying for it that anymore we want to be sure that whenever we make a request it is a request now that doesn't mean the other person will trust it even if it is because unfortunately there's been so much coercion in our world that even if we are making sincere requests the other person might hear a demand i was working in one school system with a group of students that the school district labeled as "socially and emotionally maladjusted" now, from what you've learned today, was that a jackal school system, or a giraffe school system? yes it sounds like in your example the person was really disappointed really let down not let down, that's a diagnosis okay they're really disappointed really hurt okay so, how could they have expressed that without it being a demand but not suppressing the fact that they're really disappointed they could say: so you have a lot to do right now and it would really meet your need to be by yourself yeah and the kind of mood i'm in right now i really trust that you would meet it better than anybody else i know is there some way that we could find to get your work done and still meet my need for connection tonight? that's what we call dogging for our needs and that shows respect for the other person's needs I'm not trying to use any guilt, manipulation I'm just trying now to find the way to get everybody's needs met okay? if the person can not think of somebody to replace them it will not be a problem it will only be a problem if i put on these ears and receive in what they said a rejection if i hear a rejection that's the problem you can say i'm disappointed as long as you say you disappoint me as long as you don't stop after i'm disappointed that's just another way of saying you disappoint me we always have to end the feeling at the very end of it there's gonna be a request we don't just say i'm disappointed we'd have to say we have to take responsibility for asking for what we want given the other person has this other need okay, what do you want then, from me? jackal doesn't like that game doesn't like to be responsible for what they want they'd rather say: well, if they loved me if they were any kind of friend i think it's only fair that they they wanna control by guilt, shame so, the school district asked me to work with these students that were labeled socially and emotionally maladjusted poor school system doesn't realize that labels lead to self-fulfilling prophecies when you label people that way, they're gonna behave that way come on, be honest: if you were labeled socially and emotionally maladjusted you're one of those students doesn't that give you permission to have fun in school? labels lead to self-fulfilling prophecies so i knew it was going to be a rough day just by that label so when i walked in to the classroom it already starts half of the students are hanging out the window screaming obscenities at their friends in the courtyard down below so i made a request: excuse me, i would like you all to come on over and sit down please i'd like to tell you who i am, what i'd like to do today half the student come over i wasn't sure the other half had even heard me so i repeated it: would you all please come over now everybody comes over with the exception of two young men just my luck, the two that didn't come over were the biggest ones in the classroom then again i wasn't too sure they'd heard me and i was praying it might just be a problem with acoustics so i said: would one of you two gentlemen tell me please what you heard me say yeah, you said we have to come over and sit down you see the problem? i make a request he hears a demand so i said, sir i have learned always use sir with people who have biceps like he did especially with the tattoo on top of the bicep i said: sir, could you tell me how i could have let you know what i was requesting so it wouldn't sound like i was telling you what you had to do? he said: huh? see, that's a radical paradigm shift for somebody who's been educated under domination conditions domination structures where authorities claim to know what's right you have to do it or else you see it's a radical paradigm shift in giraffe school people don't make demands they just make requests so i realized this is not gonna be easy with this gentleman his probably carrying with him a lot of traces of being punished when he doesn't do what other people want or blame I'm not expecting him to give it up like that so i said, sir, how could i let you know that i was requesting something of you without it sounding like i was bossing you around? i don't know i said: just what's happening between you and me right now is much that i wanted to talk about today i was wanting to look we can interact when nobody bosses other around and i didn't expect life to be so easy it was all he needed he trusted at that point I wasn't trying to tell him what to do and he came over and we had a very cooperative day but as long as people hear or request as demands, they have only two choices: submission or rebellion and neither of us are gonna connect us with people that's good for anybody so the main thing that's the difference is not how nicely we say it, but how we treat people, when they don't do what we want now, let's hear a few of these so we can see what kind of reactions you might get back if you openly express your heart you try to do your best not to criticize, not to demand what do you get back? she gets excited and defends herself I need to hear the specific statement cause I don't know what you mean by defends herself what does she say? gotta be specific for the next exercise, we need to know specifically what the person says or does see that's your diagnosis, that she's defensive what does she say? sometimes things happen and I'm not ready to leave when we agreed well sometimes things happen and I'm not ready to leave when I agreed okay, that's what the person says i can't do that, because i have a hard time connecting with people as partners i can't do that, because i have a hard time connecting with people as partners can't do that, because i have a hard time connecting with people as partners this is their response, back yes, what the person responds back he says: nothing i do is ever good enough nothing i do is ever good enough okay, here: guess i should go through the whole thing she says she doesn't like the way i wash dishes or make the bed yes i feel angry and resentful yes i feel as i expressed because i need to be accepted for my willingness and ability to do a job they way i do it yes i would like you to acknowledge my work positively even if i don't feel like it? how do you want me to respond positively when an idiot could do a better job making a bed than you do okay, that's a last thing she would say but she can't because i never do it the way it should be done yeah, so the problem there is the present request what do you want from this person? i think what you'd like is this: i'd like at least some gratitude expressed for my willingness to do what i do and if i could get at least the gratitude for that first I could better hear how would you like me to do it differently would that be closer? it'd be closer but i'd still like her to accept the way that i do it what does accept mean? now we have to translate "accept" into a doable request what if this person has a sense of aesthetics you see i can already tell what the problem is in your relationship i already made a diagnosis you wanna hear my diagnosis? okay you are a slob, and she's a neat see there's these two kinds of people in the world slobs and neats and for some reason rather than other they always live together i... it doesn't make sense to me you see, there's so much of this goes on every day about how to... keep to, wash the dishes how to make the bed i'll give away which one i am i once made... i once cleaned the house immaculately and my partner came home and said I thought you were gonna clean true story so you know what i am, right? uh, i wrote her a song that night, that goes: if you wonder about the cause of my domestic distress it's that my partner is antiseptic and i'm a total mess last night at 2 am i had to go to the HEB in the time it took me she made the bed so there are these slobs and neats and they always get together i have a plan for world peace: put the slobs in one hemisphere the neats in another so how does that get back to needs and men now that you'd diagnosed that how would you handle it now the answer would probably be this: you have to say to the neat i'd like you to agree that there can be different ways of doing things is that what you want? my solution was that i just don't do it a typical slob solution i could've guesses that it worked i would really liked some acknowledgement first, i'd like some expression of gratitude for what i did i'm not saying you have to like it but i'd like to hear some gratitude, if it's sincere, that at least that i was trying second i'd like you to agree that there can be different ways of defining what is an adequate way to make a bed then, if after you agree to that, if you could say what your preference would be without using words that imply that it's right, your way, that would be a lot easier something like that you sound like you're doing something out of a book you sound like you're doing something out of a book talk like a real person don't use any of this psychology crap on me something like that, yes yes yes especially they're gonna say that if you're a baby giraffe you know cause you're trying a new that and it's gonna take a while and it's gonna go slowly and when i was first learning this i was having a conflict with my oldest son and i was sounding like it was coming out of a book i was having to stop and think everything i said and the poor guy he had his friends waiting for him and he said: daddy, it's taking you so long to talk i said: let me tell you what i can say quickly: do it my way or i kick your ass he said: take your time, dad those who know me and my old jackal days are very patient with my sounding like i'm coming out of a book yes? there's no value in changing who i am i'm satisfied the way it is yes, there's no value in changing who i am i'm satisfied the way i am that... we can already tell then this person heard a demand you see they're hearing a demand as though you're saying they're not okay the way they are and that would be how i would bet a person would respond if they hear a demand different ways of people respond when they hear a demand my preference is for how my youngest son once responded when he heard a demand i said: would you please hang up your coat? he said: who was your slave before i was born? i like that way because i knows he hears a demand then right? it's pretty clear and uh- then there's other people who it's harder to guess they're hearing is a demand for example you said to them: would you please come over and just sit on the couch with me and talk with me? the person goes like this: okay now if you're smart you'll say oh no, stay away they're hearing a demand you see but they're giving in but the worst case scenario this is a dangerous one, you see is if the person hears your request as a demand and they respond this way oh sure, sure i'll do it and they do it but they did it to buy your love they did it because they were afraid that if they didn't you wouldn't like them now how will you find out? you'll find out eventually you might find out like this one woman did who showed up at my door in two in the morning two in the morning my doorbell's ringing one morning it's pouring rain outside and this woman, not eight months pregnant crying i said: come in, come in i sat her down in a chair what's going on? i didn't know how she got there she told me that her mother had been in a workshop with me a month before and she had just called her mother up to tell her about what happened and the mother said oh there's a man in your town that that you might wanna go and talk to so, that's how this woman shows up at my door at two o'clock in the morning now what was the problem? earlier, she said i just made a little request to my husband and he said: get out we've been married eight years he's always been so loving so kind he's done everything i want and now he says get out already i knew what the problem was he was a yes-saying jackal he hears somebody he loves wants something and he feels he has to do it to make, to buy love to prove that he's a loving person and so how does she find this out? it took eight years but then she pays for it one night and i know i was right how do i know i was right i got him out of bed why should i be up at two in the morning talking to his wife while he's sleeping so i called him up and invited him over and sure enough you see he was a yes-saying jackal he just didn't know how to say no so he had been giving in for all these years and then finally this night he snapped that's how you find out, after eight years she found out that he was hearing demands and lovingly giving in to them you certainly don't want to ever receive those messages any one that you just responded to you never wanna hear what the other person thinks never hear what a jackal speaking person thinks you'll live longer so, certainly after lunch we're gonna say: do not hear what the person thought whatever thoughts they expressed never hear what a jackal speaking person thinks especially when they think about you so we'll show you other options than that we'll show you how never to hear a criticism we'll show you all of that after lunch part three: empathically hearing others there's only two things that human beings are ever saying please and thank you that's all human beings are ever saying the only thing is jackal speaking people have learned to say please in a suicidal way think about that for a moment what else is human beings ever saying except please you're behaving in a way that isn't meeting my needs or my needs are not getting met by something else would you please do this to meet my needs that's, we need to know how to say that well to survive in the world when our needs are not getting met we need to know how to say please in a way that makes it enjoyable for people to give it to us alright this morning we learned how to do that just learned how to say what you are feeling and needing and make a clear request make sure that no words come out of your mouth that imply wrongness on the part of other people do everything you can to promote in people the trust that when you make a request it is a request and not a demand and that increases the likelihood that people will enjoy giving to you so we studied that this morning now the other half of the process is how to receive from other people what's alive in them and what they are needing to make life wonderful and how to receive that without hearing any criticism or demand just to hear what's alive in them and we need to learn how to do this even when these other people are saying please in this strange way that we've been educated to say please you know you are all speaking perfect giraffe for about a year so what i'm really teaching you now is not a second language it's really your first language i'm bringing you back to life to nature, your first language so now the other half how do we respond to a jackal's pleas when the jackal is expressing the pleas this way the problem with you is that you are too that's please that person's in pain that person has a need that isn't getting met and isn't it sad that they only know that way to ask for it? isn't that tragic for this person to be saying please in a way that almost guarantees you're not gonna get what you want or if you do it's gonna be motivated by fear, guilt or shame and you're gonna pay for it how sad to be educated that way and now of course it would be even sadder if when the person says please that way you don't hear the please you hear a criticism that's when we have war somebody in pain does their best to express it person on the other hand hears a criticism so let me tell you what the person that you were working on this morning all of the messages that i heard you relate that what you predict they might say back here's what i hear the person saying i heard the person you're speaking with saying this back to you: i'm in pain i have a need that isn't getting met okay? that's what the person was saying in the message that you wrote down i'm in pain, because a need of mine isn't getting met now hear that put on giraffe ears and say this back to the person: - are you feeling...? - and guess what that person is feeling when they say what they did
• because you are needing - and guess what they're need is so i'm asking you to go back to the message that you predicted you might get back i'm wanting you to imagine the person actually says this to you and now if you have giraffe ears on here will be you reaction: are you feeling - guess their feeling because you are needing - guess their need with giraffe ears all you can hear are feelings and needs you can hear no criticism a number of years ago i was working with a group of women in religious life and they had a conflict for some fifteen months that was creating great pain in their community and they asked me to help them resolve this and i suggested that we begin by having everybody express their needs what needs of yours are not getting met? in this situation and after the first speaker's second word i could see why after fifteen months not only had they not been able to resolve the issue but why it was causing increasing pain can anybody guess what the second word was? but what was the second word? first word was "I" I think yes, that's... as soon as i heard that second word i could see why notice my question of them was: what needs of yours are not getting met and instead of an answer, I got "I think" immediately I knew - trouble and here's what the rest of the message said: I think that if we are to be in religious life we must take our commitments seriously and dress as though... and dress in an appropriate way see i asked for a need that's what i got back and then another religious sister said sister i agree but i think fifteen months what was the issue? the issue was whether to wear traditional clothing or not you see this was the issue fifteen months had not been able to resolve it in fact a great pain in that fifteen months the community was divided but i asked what are you needing and i got thoughts thoughts you see so it took me a while to teach them never to hear the thoughts to not hear thoughts only use the thoughts as a window look through the thoughts to the needs that are behind hear the needs behind it would be a whole different world don't hear thoughts they finally got it they finally started to look through the words and the thoughts to what was behind and then amazing how in a short time we resolved the conflict my partner ruth bebermayer was with me at the time and saw this miracle that comes whenever we hear through the words to what's behind them i feel so saddened by your words i feel so judged and sent away before i go i'd like to know is that what you meant to say? before i rise to my defense before i speak in hurts or fear before i build that wall of words tell me did i really hear words are windows or they're walls they sentence us or set us free when i speak and when i hear let the love light shine through me there are things i need to say things that mean so much to me if my words don't make me clear will you help me to be free if i seem to put you down if you felt i didn't care try to listen through my words to the feelings that we share words are windows or they're walls they sentence us or set us free when i speak and when i hear let the love light shine through me so with your giraffe ears on you hear the feelings behind the words you hear the needs every moment we have feelings and needs so we're hearing the truth what's really alive in this person it's better for you to only hear that cause then you don't live in a world of criticism or judgment you take away all power from other people to dehumanize you when you have giraffe ears on you never have to worry about other people's reaction to what you're saying you can be honest without fear cause you know I don't ever have to worry about how other respond only what ears i have on to respond to their response but i can control that i can't control how others respond and if i'm gonna worry about something i can't control i'll become a nice dead person i'll be afraid to reveal myself or fear: what if they say this? who cares what they say? if you have giraffe ears on it's a gift all they're saying is: please please so let's hear the please behind the message that you hear first read off the message and then let's hear how you heard the feelings and needs behind it what i expect my daughter would say was: i can't control myself when i'm so angry i can't control myself when i'm so angry and when i thought about it um, i would think i could say are you feeling frustrated because you are needing some other ways to express your anger? that's what i asked you to do to try to hear the feelings and needs and even if that's not accurate notice what it does even if it's wrong it demonstrates a value it demonstrates that you value what's alive in that person that you're taking the time to try to connect with what's alive in that person when people trust that that's what interesting to you already we can solve anything what makes it hard to resolve things is when people feel the other person is only interested in winning they don't care about me they're just out to show me that i shouldn't do this but by just stopping and trying to connect we've demonstrated a powerful value that you value what's alive in them okay? another one. yes? uh, with my, related to my son are you feeling distressed, confused because you are needing help? that's the idea and again, even if it's not accurate it gives the... notice even if it's not accurate it brings the other person's attention to their needs it gives them a chance to correct it better to be guessing wrong what a person's need is than to hearing what they think you'll be living in a different world when you are trying to connect with their needs than the world you'll be living in if you hear what they think i need some help in addressing the feelings and needs behind the answer that i got back which was one of the things that you said before lunch which can be the most dangerous when somebody just said you make a request and somebody says yes i'll do that yeah can you help me... i mean i could guess i mean what i wrote down was are you feeling um pain because you're needing recognition for the job you're doing okay i like that but i mean it feels like there's a huge leap from the response yes i'll do that to me asking that question yeah, it's you're trying to sense what's really behind it that's one of the two giraffe ways the other possibility that would also be giraffe is to say bullshit in giraffe how do you say bullshit in giraffe? i'm feeling uneasy with your okay okay i wish i could trust it but i don't i'd really like you to take a moment and really tell me whether it would meet your needs to do as i request so that's when i would guess that the okay isn't okay so that's how i would say bullshit in giraffe thank you giraffes are not nice much of i think the violence in the world is created by nice people so, don't mistake the word non-violence as being nice are you feeling abandoned not a feeling it's a thought don't encourage jackals to think that way are you feeling afraid now we're cooking because you're needing reassurance now we're cooking that i will not disappear that your needs will be taken care of leave yourself out of the other person's needs they can live without you all of their needs can be met without you how could i satisfy your needs? that's a jackal question that kind of question if the other person is smart they'll take the fifth amendment yeah this was an answer to when my daughter said you sound like you're reading from a book you sound like you're reading from a book and i say: are you feeling scared, separate and alienated and are you needed to be responded to in a genuine, heartfelt way? yes but you're doing it again when you do that so with such a jackal for a while until you make clear why you're doing it so they will have less distrust of it you would do just as you said but silently silently? yes don't think we have to do this all out loud for it to be powerful it can be powerful if we don't say a word as long as where our attention is is here even if... so you might have heard just that but maybe not have said it out loud that's all you can hear with the giraffe ears on and you can hear that even when you're silent you don't have to say it out loud you could just have heard that but you'll show that your attention is here from your eyes because when we're hearing what is in a person's heart our eyes are different than when we're hearing a criticism or when we're making a criticism our eyes... it's not subtle now the advantage of being able to say it out loud is that person can correct us if we're not accurate but even if we don't say it out loud we live in a different world when we're connecting here than when we're hearing criticism this is a the question would be that i would have asked would... be something like i would like you to ask me for help if you need it yes and then the person responds i'm afraid of becoming a burden now, that's almost a giraffe response how do you respond to this person? i'm afraid of becoming a burden now if you are jackal you say no, you wouldn't be a burden so if you're a jackal you'll try to reassure her jackals try to fix people in pain they try to give reassurance they try to make it better they can't stand pain they immediately make matters worse by trying to get rid of the pain in the book "when bad things happen to good people" by rabbi Harold Kushner he's talking about a very tragic time in his life when his oldest son is dying and he said: what could be worse than watching my son die? what could be worse were the things that good people were telling me to make me feel better that made me feel worse and what could be even more horrible than that? what they were doing what they were saying that made me feel worse were exactly the things i had been saying to other people for twenty years in my role as a rabbi he had been responding by trying to make it better so we don't wanna do that now this is an important message well i'm afraid that i'll be a burden so put on giraffe ears what is this person feeling and needing when they say that are you feeling... afraid, they've already told you the feeling that's easy afraid... so you're feeling afraid because
• why? why are they afraid that you don't trust my offer to help now put that in a need you need some reassurance that i'll really be there? no, I need reassurance that if you're there you're doing it for you and not for me they wanna be sure that if you're giving you're giving out of self-fullness, not self-lessness now what about if you're not a hundred percent? don't do it i would suggest you heed joseph campbell's advice when he, having studied all the basic myths of the world in the basic religions, concludes that if there's one wise thing that seems present in all the basic religions it's this: don't do anything that isn't play yes, don't do anything that isn't play and it will be play if you're meeting your own needs so don't do things for other people well the only right way is to hold it, hold it your ears just dropped off put your ears back on cause if your ears are on you will never hear the word "right" it doesn't exist if you hear that word it's gonna be toxic never hear another person telling you what's right it's not good for them it's not good for you okay, so just hear feelings and needs i told you thirty times you don't listen my god what's... you see this bed? no you don't you're proving now you don't if you were listening you wouldn't say i listen isn't it funny how he always comes in pardon it's funny how you always comes in yeah, so what's this person feeling and needing let me help you out let me put on some giraffe ears here so, jackal is it that it's frustrating when you have a certain sense of order and you'd really like to have that order maintained in the house well that's a part of it but it's not that... it's not the only thing it's i told him over and over again oh, is it that you feel hurt because you have a need to feel like your needs matter? yes it's like this doesn't matter to him he doesn't care ah, so what's really the pain for you in this is your need to feel like you matter your needs matter yes so, how do you feel when you hear the jackal say this i'm feeling like i... well it's not a feeling um i'm glad you're catching it feeling confused yeah? feeling confused primarily because i can't identify the needs that are being expressed so you would really like to be able to hear a need like that when it's really going on? yeah i would like that you don't act like you do hold it, jackal that isn't going to make it easier for him, jackal that isn't gonna make it easier so you're really it's really painful for you it's hard to believe that he cares enough to really matter yes you know cause i've told him over and over so so it's really an issue for you of whether your needs matter yes i'm feeling that it's not so much the beds or the dishes though feeling like it's something else i'm just telling you what it is it's the general feel i have that my needs don't matter to you how do you feel when the jackal tells you that? still confused what makes you confused about this? cause i don't know how to respond to those needs what it would take is just empathy if she could just feel the empathy that i just gave her if you could just say are you feeling in pain cause you have a need for reassurance that your needs matter? yes yes, i tried to tell you that for years you don't listen now i'm feeling sad cause i'm not meeting the needs hold your sadness she needs more empathy this is what often happens we get to our feelings too quickly with my help we've just got started we just... this is not the end there's a lot more pain in there that she needs empathy for before she can hear your sadness so, jackal, am i hearing you that for you the real painful issue here is not being confident that your needs matter my needs have never mattered in any relationship not in my family and not now oh, so what's real painful is for you to feel that your needs matter and this has been going on a long time yes yes i do everything i can i've told him over and over again so you do everything you know how and your needs still don't get responded to it really hurts yes uhm now you see it hasn't been easy for me to give this jackal empathy i was wanting to jump in and educate him but the way you're asking for it jackal is gonna make it hard for people to give it to you i wanted to say that almost every time so i had to take a deep breath and realize empathic connection before education now is not the time to educate that the way you're asking for it is going to make it pretty hard for somebody without superpower giraffe ears to hear your needs question on that: doesn't this situation requires some kind of resolution? or solution, or? yes, yes and almost and the resolution, the solution will find us when the connection is there now what connection? you see here's your wife's needs here's your needs when she hears your needs without hearing any criticism or demand and you hear her needs without any criticism and demand the solution will find you the conflict will resolve itself it does need to be resolved but what most of us do is we skip this and go right to here for example i sometimes do workshops just with married couples or other people living together in a love relationship and what we do to begin workshop we identify the couple who has had a conflict the longest outstanding conflict that could not be resolved and i make a prediction and it's right my prediction has been accurate in a maybe i'm sure at least 75% of the cases but my prediction is this: that we will resolve the conflict within twenty minutes within twenty minutes from the point at which both parts can tell me what the other party is needing okay? now, one time we found a couple married 39 years 39 years had a conflict had not been able to resolve this conflict the wife said to me: marshall i could tell you right now we're not gonna be able to resolve this within 20 minutes we had a good marriage, we communicate well but this is just one of those things that we're different people and we just have a conflict here i said let me correct one thing i didn't say we were gonna resolve it in 20 minutes i said within 20 minutes from the point at which you can both tell me what the other party is needing oh, she said, marshall we've been married for 39 years and you've talked about something almost every day i can tell you, we understand each other the problem isn't that we're just two different people in this issue well, i said, i've been wrong before i could sure be wrong this time but let's see we'll find out within twenty minutes so, first, tell me what his needs are in this situation he doesn't want me to spend any money he responds immediately: that's ridiculous 39 years of communication now first of all doesn't want me to spend any money is not a need see needs and strategies need to be separated they had been talking about how much money she could spend and not spend but the more important issue there was whether who takes care of the checkbook he you know unilaterally controlled the checkbook which was really the main issue between them but that's... i'm saying i don't even want the couple to talk about the strategies and the solutions until the connection is there when the connection is there the conflict usually resolve themselves so i parted out to her: no, that's not a need and even if it was notice he's saying that's not accurate she said: okay, let me then tell you what his needs are, marshall you see, he's just like his own father they both have a depression mentality when it comes to many i, oh, said, stop now i'm hearing psychoanalytic jackal you're that was gonna take another 39 years if you get into that no i'm not asking for an analysis of his personality i'm saying: what are his needs she didn't know after 39 years she had no awareness, consciousness of his needs so i said to him, okay, well, she doesn't know - why don't you tell her? well, marshall, let me tell you what her needs are you see she's a lovely woman, lovely woman, wonderful mother a wonderful wife but when it comes to money she's totally irresponsible here comes another 39 years, you see i asked for a need and he gives me a diagnosis and of course, she immediately says that's unfair i said hold it, hold it, hold it so, i could see they didn't have need literacy so i have to loan them my ears so, with giraffe ears, of course, i'm conscious all judgments - she's totally irresponsible- is a tragic expression of an unmet need so if she wold have have these ears they would have been able to resolve this in the first year of their marriage but she didn't she was taking it personally so i helped them out i said when you say she's irresponsible are you feeling frightened and need to be sure the family is protected economically? he said: that's exactly what i mean well, it wasn't what he's been saying for 39 years but he didn't how to to say his feelings and needs okay, so i've got his needs identified he was scared wanted to protect the family economically i turned to his wife and said: could you tell me back what you heard him say but because i did - you know one time i overdrew the checkbook, when we were, you know, first married, now he thinks... i said excuse me notice what the first word she said was: but see she doesn't know the cardinal giraffe rule: never put your but in the face of an angry person i said: what are his feelings and needs? but... no no no no what are his feelings and needs? want me to repeat them? yeah i hear him saying he's scared well... but no, hold it, hold it calm down, calm down, jackal hear his feelings and needs see but after 39 years of enemy image it's not easy for somebody to shift this images you see once we get one of these images in our mind of the other person's wrongness even when they are expressing their needs we don't hear it these enemy image are hard to get past so she's been seeing him as cheap and having this depression mentality for 39 years she can't see the human being behind her image i said let me repeat it again i hear him saying he's scared because he needs some... to protect the family needs to protect the family economically can you say it back? yeah, he thinks i'm irresponsible let's try it again after three more repetitions, finally, she could hear his needs and feelings separate from her judgments finally did you try to empathize with her point, or did you just keep repeating his need and trying to get her... yes, after i had tried twice to get her to hear it i could see she was in too much pain to hear him so i had to do what i was just demonstrating like this actually, i needed to give her some emergency first aid empathy before i could pull her by the ears to hear him so after i try two times to pull the jackal by the ears it's hard to do that cause he keeps trying to bite and then i back off so i really hurts when you hear criticism? yes, yes I mean... blahaha yeah, so and you really need to be trusted? yeah, blalaala okay, now i'd like to repeat what he said and i'd like to have you tell me back what he heard so yeah i did after do a little bit of cleaning up the mess before see every image that she's heard in the past, every criticism that she'd heard for years that she was irresponsible now it's hard for her to hear the need that was being expressed all along behind that so finally i get her to hear his feelings and needs okay, we're halfway through, now this much took me an hour okay, now i try to help her so could you tell me now what your needs are? well just because i made a mi... you know, i overdrew the checkbook you know before you know that doesn't mean i'm gonna do it again he said: yes we could be out of money... excuse me, excuse me so, you're really frustrated and if i hear you correctly you have a need for some trust that you can learn how to handle money yes okay husband, could you tell me - yeah, we will be out of money by then excuse me can you tell me what her feelings and needs are would you like me to repeat it? yes okay about three more repetitions he hears her it didn't take twenty minutes to resolve it at that point whenever i go into situations where there's been a lot of conflict i don't even allow the people to talk about strategies until they're connected at the heart level i was working with two tribes in northern nigeria one christian tribe, and one muslim tribe one quarter of the population killed in one year one out of four people got killed it took my colleague six months to get them to agree to come into a room together during that six months sixty people killed, so by the time that took us to get everybody into a room together sixty people killed so, now it's not a husband and wife i have at the opposite ends of a table but the chiefs of two tribes i start the same way i did with the husband and wife i'd like to hear you express your needs what needs are not being met? i'm pretty much guessing ahead of time i'm not gonna get an answer to my question cause, if people have been communicating at the need level there wouldn't have been a hundred people dead so i wasn't surprised when instead of getting an answer to my question i got this back: these people are murderers well you've been trying to dominate us i asked for needs, and get back diagnoses so just as with the husband and wife, i put my ears on translate each statement to a need get the other side to hear it it wasn't easy i gotta do a lot of first aid empathy to get cause like when i got this person behind murderers was so you are frightened of any years of violence to resolve conflict and want some agreement to resolve it in some other way yes exactly okay, could you say back what you heard then why did you kill my child? so, it wasn't too easy but, anyway, after, it took about an hour for me to get one need expressed, one need heard one need expressed, one need heard and one of the chiefs who hadn't spoken yet said to me: if we'd know how to communicate this way we won't have to kill each other it just took one hour to see if they can just stay connected at the heart level nobody has to die there's plenty of resources of getting everybody's needs met but we lose that when we get up into our head and start to analyse wrongness yes? but does this need understanding develop into a well sort of a not necessarily give and take but when one person would give in to the other person no, no compromising in giraffe not necessary to compromise everybody's needs can get met nobody has to give in nobody has to give anything up cause i agree with what you have to say in specially when it comes to doing things for other people because if, my theory is, that if i do something for someone else, that gives the person power over me well or is it if i do it for myself... i would put it this way: if you do anything that involves giving in, both people pay for it nothing has been resolved it's gonna create problems so is there a needs dialogue, or needs literacy mentioned i have need literacy in my book and if you wanna develop your book literacy i suggest you to do the following activity: first, identify your most frequently used jackals the ones you use the most and next, the ones you are the most afraid of do it this way: first, on a list make a list of how you talk to yourself when you're less than perfect and those of you over here who say you're perfect you have to skip this part but for those of you who aren't perfect make a list of how are you most likely to speak to yourself when you're less than perfect so that's jackal list number one next, make a second list what are the jackal messages that'd go on in you when you are angry at others? so, when you're judging others and are angry what are you most likely to be saying to yourself or out loud about the other person so that's jackal list number two jackal list number three: list those things that when other people say it at the moment you respond to defensively or aggressively and put on that list things that you have been so afraid that people might think of you that you've become a nice dead person to avoid it so in other words put into that list not only what people have said that got you defensive, but of things you're scared they might say okay, now do this exercise to build your need literacy go back over that first list where you... what you say to yourself when you're less than perfect now, for each judgment think of what might've been the stimulus for it see you gotta relate each of these specific contexts so, say to yourself let's say the first thing is you have on your list this number one what a dumb thing to do! okay think of what you might have done to stimulate it okay then put on giraffe ears and hear the need behind "stupid" see i'm saying that all judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs so ask yourself if when i say that to myself in that situation how stupid what need am i expressing through that judgment what need of mine isn't getting met and here's what you could use in the list in my book if you can't come up with it yourself just look through the list and your body will tell you when you're getting close really, cause - ah yeah, yeah, that's what i needed see if the need comes much closer to the truth than any judgment you make of yourself so do that for any other item on your list second, what you tell yourself when you're angry at others again, identify concretely what the other person might have done to stimulate this then ask yourself this question: when i judge people as idiots who're doing that what need of mine was not being met in that situation again, try to guess without my list, but if you can't find it look through my list to find when it comes closest the third list, what others say to you to get you defensive practice putting on the giraffe ears and imagine what you did to stimulate it and in that situation guess what the other person's needs were that weren't getting met so you see it's just learning a new language learning where everytime there are these jackal judgments to as quickly as possible to bring yourself back to life or more specifically connect to needs needs are life yes? my question is, i never know what to do when i know i'm never gonna meet another person's you know, expectation of me yes, well, first of all never hear an expectation that's that's thoughts expectations are thoughts don't hear it don't even hear expectations hear what the need is what is the need that the person is asking for you to meet you don't wanna live up to expectations but it is fun to meet needs do you think that every... that human beings can always meet other people's needs if they're real? all of our needs can be met i don't think you have to do it there's several billion other people that could meet the other person's need even if you could do it you may choose not to and that won't be a problem the other person can hear a no, if they first feel empathy for their feelings and needs that will leave them feeling at least that their feelings and needs matter that makes sense but then again you have to know how to say no in giraffe that would be good for me to learn well let me help you out never use the following words when you're saying no in giraffe: no. I can't. I don't want to. I don't have time. It's not possible. Now you know how not to do it, right? so here's how you do it to say no in giraffe you need to be conscious that a no is a pure expression of the need so say the need that keeps you from saying yes no so if you had giraffe ears just now you wouldn't have heard me saying no you would have said: what is marshall's need that's keeping him from saying yes? and you might have said back to me: marshall are you having a need for completion of other things you'd like to do right now? you see, you would have tried to hear the need behind the no so what i said is all nos are tragic expressions of a need so say the need that keeps you from saying yes don't say no the way that i have this framed i feel as though i am responding to a person's expectations so it's a work environment um, are you feeling afraid of being held responsible for the quality and quantity of the work that i'm doing? and this is to a supervisor are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself? that might be the need that i hear you're guessing are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this manner? i guess when i hear that i feel afraid because i'm inferring that there's a danger in that they have a fear of some danger if this is what you're guessing is alive in them, we're not saying it's right see we never say you are feeling we're always saying are you feeling we may be wrong but we're trying to get clear what's going on in this person are you feeling afraid and need to protect yourself? and taking the my performance part part out of it you're saying take the me out of the... try to hear the feelings and needs without you you know we know what that is in this situation they're talking to you about some things you've done or haven't done so in the context we're pretty clear what's going on what we wanna hear now is their feelings and needs are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this manner? now if this is in many settings where the people are not used to having feelings dealt with the other person might get very upset with having their feelings being talked about in which case you do it silently if you're a giraffe you hear feelings and needs in every message whether you do it out loud or not politically we adjust when we might do it out loud but we don't allow anything else into our consciousness except this other person's feelings and needs i think you said earlier that there's no compromise in giraffe communication yes and so i would find it instructional to know how the problem between husband and wife was resolved yes and how it was a winning situation for both of them? first, once there is empathy, people feel that their feelings and needs matter which is done through the empathy you don't have the competitiveness you don't have the charge so here's how it went after they both heard each other he heard that it would really hurt for her not to be trusted that she could learn and once he felt really understood how scared he was that if she were to do what she did when they first got married and overdrew the account she could hear that he wanted to protect the family i think most six year old children could resolve the conflicts that get nations into wars in which thousands are killed if you gave the six year olds... you said, look: here are the needs on both sides here are the resources i'm confident most six year old could solve the conflict so in this it doesn't take a genius what did they do? she said: I want a trial period to learn how to do it first he said: I'm scared, cause, you know you could go through a lot of money, learning so, she agreed during the trial period he would supervise her until he felt comfortable that she knew how to do it okay, that took about seven minutes but they haven't been able to get to that in 39 years cause of all the enemy images, the hurt and so forth how do you deal with a situation when you have a similar needs and you attempt to express them to each other and you sense, as the emotions build up, because of apparent competitive edge working that our mutual needs are not being heard but either... or the jackals then you either need to get a third party to give both of them the empathy they need to hear each other so if two people are in pain they don't know how to give themselves enough empathy to be able to hear the other side then you need to get a third party to give the empathy to each of them so that they can then hear each other and that third party is, should be together with these two individuals, or separately? there's different ways to do that if they're together there're some advantages but it could be that to give empathy to both sides separately and then help each side to hear the other side then bring them together thank you part four: questions and expressing and receiving gratitude this morning you made a reference to giraffe mourning and that there's a different way of saying you're sorry to someone and i wanted to hear what that was okay, let's real quick look at what i mean by giraffe mourning think of something you did that you wished you hadn't done and identify, recall as best you can how you talked to yourself when you said it or did it, whatever you did it so, what did you do that you wished you hadn't done after you had done it? and give me a sample of what you said to yourself when you did it that, i was feeling defensive and i criticised someone so, what you did is that you said some things to another person that you wished you hadn't done right okay, and what did you say to yourself, when you did that? well usually in the moment i feel you know defensive with myself no i wanna concretely know for this exercise i need to know concretely what you say to yourself when you behave in a way you don't like this is very important to answer your question about giraffe mourning it's very important to identify your inner what your inner educator is saying to you see this, all of us have an inner educator who's function it is to educate us when we are less than perfect now, most of us made the mistake of sending our inner educator off to a brutal jackal academy for inner educators and so, it's important to be conscious of how our inner educator talks to us that's what i'm asking you - when you said what you did to your husband what did your inner educator how did your inner educator try to educate you? it said what to you about what you had done? in the moment, or later? either one well, the point when i start to feel regret or sorry is later at any point, what did you say to yourself about what you had done okay i said i'm a bad person now, that's enough see, your inner educator tries to educate you through penitence through making you hate yourself for what you've done it uses language that implies there's such a thing as a bad person alright now, if you apologize out of that energy that's jackal any apology that comes out of thinking you did something wrong is not gonna be good for you or the other person you with me so far? i know it feels bad yeah, and i really want you to feel bad in this situation but i want you to feel a sweet bad a sweet bad that will help you learn from this without hating yourself when you have a thought in your head that you're a bad person that's ugly bad that's a punitive bad that will first it will make it hard to learn and even if you do learn it's out of self-hatred so whatever changes you make are at great cost mhm so, that's your inner educator that was your inner educator speaking to you when it said you're a bad person now, we've been learning today that all judgments are expressions of needs, right? so your inner educator means well it really means well it wants you to learn from this in a way that will serve life it means well, it's just its language that sucks okay? so we don't wanna hear what the educator thinks about us we wanna hear the need that isn't getting met that it's trying to call to our attention so what need is your inner educator trying to bring to your attention that you didn't meet by how you behaved? uh, a need to... be in a relationship with the other person? need... what kind of relationship? a mutual, understanding, respectful yeah, right so it didn't meet your need for respecting and understanding the other person and how do you feel when that need isn't met? guilty then you still got the bad person image in mind if you still think you're a bad... if there's any thinking still going on, that guilt comes from the judgment well, i feel separate, and isolated but how do you feel, what emotions do you feel about not meeting your own needs for understanding and respecting? see, the guilt comes from that image of bad person but, what feeling comes from not meeting your need to respond to this person with respect and understanding? sad? that's a sweet pain that's giraffe mourning so if you say to the person, you know the way i talk to you, i feel really sad it doesn't meet my need for respecting you and understanding you you see there's no image in there that i'm a bad person i'm sad, i didn't meet my own need for respecting and understanding check with the other person what they'd rather hear whether they'd rather hear the giraffe mourning or the apology that you're a bad person yes? I'm having a little problem trying to find the teeth in this model somehow it seems everything, even now, is on a feeling level, everything seems the way i'm interpreting it, anyways, sort of on a mental level as opposed to an emotional level and i guess i operate a lot from my gut and i'm trying to get down to that somehow so i need some help with it basically, tell me how i would be able to use this technique in my daily life and make it... so that it's natural you know it's not natural for me to operate this way first thing i would recommend to you is change the world natural to habitual change the word natural to habitual i think this process is natural more natural than the way you were trained to think so gandhi says it's very dangerous to mix up the words natural and habitual he says we have been trained to be quite habitual at communicating in ways that are quite unnatural so, i can't think of a more natural way to communicate than to talk about what's alive in us just what we're feeling and needing but if you feel like saying if i feel like saying no saying no seems okay to me for what you were saying before was that what you mean by okay? it's okay to say no? what do you mean by what do i mean? pardon? we can go back and forth like this yes, so let me be more specific when you say no i predict that by saying no more often that you would like the other person is going to react to you in a way that isn't in your well... in your best interests but if you say the need behind the no that's less likely to happen so then, if i understand what you're saying the idea's that to communicate in a way that the other person would communicate back to you so that's in my best interest i'm saying the purpose of this process is just to get everybody's needs met and that the needs are met by people giving willingly not out of any coercive motivation and i'm saying that when you say no it gets in the way of the likelihood that everybody's needs are going to end up getting met if you say the need that keeps you from saying yes i predict there's more likelihood that everybody's needs will end up being met so, if i understand what you are saying is to just express your needs without saying a no i'm saying the need is a clearer expression of what you're trying to say then no you get clear, more connected to life when you say the need that keeps you from saying yes than just saying no and it's less likely to be interpreted as a rejection as you being defensive to say the no by itself i predict it's more likely to get you interpretations that aren't in your best interests sometimes when i don't hear a no i look at it at being sort of passive-aggressive response to something that i might want someone, you know, let's say if i make and appointment with somebody and instead of them saying no, they don't show up yes and then they give me a reason why they don't show up yes, i'm not suggesting that i'm not suggesting that response i'm suggesting that i would have liked that person to have told you honestly at their time what their need was i think if they had done that you wouldn't have gotten into that situation they said a yes that wasn't so some people are... won't say i'm afraid pardon? let's say if the reason is that they're afraid to that would depend a lot on what has happened in the past to them when they had said no in whatever way they did it if they had not enjoyed very empathic responses to it in the past than they're probably afraid of being honest about it now i see the value in all this i really do i guess it's the idea that it's a touchy-feely type of thing that i'm not used to working around what you're trying to figure out if i'm understanding is how to really put this into a idiom that you can use daily and feels comfortable to that's one way of putting it yeah and so, in our training we first show people how to develop the literacy and then how to put it into their regular language i had a student traveling with me and he wanted to give me a gratitude, okay? and he liked something i did i was really working a group hard and during the break he said dictator that was giraffe because he knew that i knew what he was reacting to he knew i wouldn't hear a judgment he knew i would guess in there what he was feeling and needing you see, so who could say that? dictator so after we really know how to clearly identify our feelings, needs, requests then we can start putting it into language that can can connect us with the people we're speaking with but in, at this stage of day after one day i'm still working with you on making sure you understand what a feeling and a need is cause if you don't really understand that it's gonna be hard to how to then put it into your idiom i guess i'm a recovering new york jackal, you know i'm getting the impression that apology isn't really the best service of being a giraffe i'd like to know if you could model i'd like to see you model for me an acknowledgment of missing the mark sinning courageously if you recall earlier i showed an example of that where i'd show the person saying i feel sad i would like to have responded with more understanding than i did so you're not using the word i'm sorry you're saying i'm sad it's not so much the word i'm sorry what we shifted from was thinking that i did something wrong that it was bad it's that thinking that is the problem and the i'm sorry follows from that thinking so it's not just that i don't say i'm sorry i say i'm sad - if i'm sad see the word i'm sorry means almost nothing it's a feeling people can say that and not feel anything you say that to buy forgiveness so if i'm feeling sad i say that i'm feeling sad i would have liked to have been more aware of your needs, for example i didn't take the person's needs into consideration but i don't say i'm sorry that was inconsiderate of me there's no self blame i didn't do anything wrong there is no such thing as doing anything wrong what i did was not in harmony with my needs i wanna mourn that i'm sad i would have like to have been more aware of your needs something like that does that give you the example? very much so thank you yeah another question over here your left uh i have a situation with my intimate partner that many times we get together we argue a lot and i have this need that you were saying earlier is inappropriate that i want her to be happy i didn't say it was inappropriate i said it was undoable ok, right that's what she keeps telling me if you're gonna tell me to be happy tell me the action to get there that i can do if you tell me an action that you predict that if i do that i'll be happy at the end it would be helpful tell me the action don't just tell me be happy don't tell me to have confidence in myself tell me what you would like me to do to feel that confidence the action will get me there but just telling me what to feel puts me into a paradoxical bind okay well one of the other things would be when we get together i don't necessarily want to be going somewhere with her if she's not in a good mood at that time if there's some kind of tenseness or something yes, then empathize with why i'm not in a good mood and i'll be in a one but telling me that i've got to be in a better mood for you to wanna go with me gets me in a worse mood okay um, i'm wondering if there's some times when it's... i'm feeling some anxiety about a trip i'm planning to visit my mother soon, and we have a dynamic where she really wants to help me figure out every detail of what i'm doing during my stay and i've like to be left alone so, let me show you what to do: and i'm afraid that if i talk to her like this, it's gonna make matters much worse okay, then we'll teach you how if it does we'll show you how to enjoy it if it gets worse but first let me show you the first thing for you to do if we wanna person to consider another behavior than the one they're doing start the communication by showing them that what they're doing is the most precious thing they could be doing this way: empathy start by empathizing what mother's intent in behaving as she does mother i'm guessing that when you jump in and want to show me all the things that could be done you really care a lot about enjoying myself on this trip and wanna be sure you support that oh yes yes yeah, so it's really very important to you that i have a good time and you wanna contribute to it yeah that's step one see what i mean that's what i mean by starting by showing you understanding now the more aware, concerned about that behavior the more important it is to start with this that's why when i work in prisons and this person has been sexually molesting people, or raping people if i would like this person to find another way of behaving the first thing i've gotta do is make sure they don't hate themselves for what they're doing the more they hate themself for what they're doing the more they'll continue doing it so i start by empathizing with what their needs are in doing it okay, so you've got that step the next step, what we started off the day with i tell honestly how i feel i'm feeling torn right now cause i'm grateful for your intent but i really have a need to kinda make my own choice this year cause i think it would be really hard for anybody else to really know what i need and i need a space to figure it for myself so, would you tell me what you heard me say, mother so i can see if i'm making myself clear? so now i know mother didn't hear me now i know mother didn't hear my needs she probably heard a rejection she probably heard that she's not valued so it is important that i not think that her reaction is because of what i said if i express my feelings and needs it would be impossible for a person to react this way if they heard it they would have gotten a gift they would have the eyes of a little child getting a gift from santa claus that doesn't look like what mother's looking right now so mom could you tell me what you just heard me say? you don't want me so, you heard a kind of as rejection, mother of course, how else could i have heard it? well, thank you for telling me you heard it as a rejection, mother notice i didn't say that isn't what i said see if you wanna make it if you want to have people understand you differently never tell them: you're misunderstanding me never say: that isn't what i said say, thank you for telling me that's what you heard i can see i didn't make myself clear i'd like to try again, mother cause i do value very much that you're offering to help but i have a need to kinda get my own needs clear and structure my own time can you tell me what you heard me say? so you think i don't have any intelligence about helping you? thank you for telling me that's what you're hearing, mother i'd like for you to hear it differently i'd like you to just hear my needs that i have a real need to kind of sort things out for myself and structure my own time could you tell me what you heard? so you have a need to kinda get clear for yourself what you want and to figure things out thank you, mother see how easy it is to get empathy from a jackal? just about three ear-pulls and i got it right? now there're some eight-pull jackals, too i know but i can tell from how sweet you are your mother is a three-pull jackal thank you yes? you mentioned earlier this morning that enjoying suffering could you elaborate on that? yes, oh yes that's very important thank you for being in debt to me about it okay, a friend of yours says this to you: i'm a nothing i'll never amount to anything look at... i'm an assistant clerk at 8's 45 my brother's a head of his company my sister's a top attorney and i'm a nothing okay? now, to enjoy this person's suffering we have to release ourself from two kinds of responsibility first, that we didn't cause the pain that we wanna release ourself from that especially if the other person's trying to make us believe we did cause the pain if this person had started: and you're at fault for all of this, why i'm a nothing especially when a person says that we do not want to in any way think we caused this person's pain cause you can't cause another person's psychological pain well in this case the person wasn't saying that so that's pretty easy to liberate ourself from feeling responsible but the second one is the hard one to think we have to fix it to make the person feel better the more we think it's our job to make the person feel better the more we're gonna make it worse cause you can't fix people the good news is, you don't have to there is a very powerful healing energy always available if we don't block it and how do we block that energy? by trying to fix things ourself so how do we help that energy to do the job? by empathy empathy requires presence just to be present when we are just present when we are remembering the buddhist advice: don't do something, stand there when we do that, and that energy works through us there is a precious connection between that person and us and that precious connection is what i mean by enjoyment to enjoy that precious connection and whether this person's feeling joy or pain if we are present there with them that's what i mean but we block that beautiful energy whenever we step in and think we have to fix things so we say, oh, there there you'll feel better you'll get over we make it worse when we start to give advice we make it worse so what does that look like? so you're feeling really discouraged and really would like to have achieved more in your life at this moment than you've done yes, yes, had every opportunity, and look at me i've just never made use of anything yeah, so you're really discouraged and frustrated and would really have liked to make different use of some things than you have yeah see? i'm just present not trying to fix it and when that happens there's a very precious connection that's what i mean by enjoyment and that precious connection does the healing not your advice, not your whatever yes? can you clarify the distinction between empathizing and sort of encouraging and supporting the soap opera of you know, somebody who is somebody who is suffering and sometimes by being there it's sort of a subtle encouragement as opposed to the subtle encouragement that i think you're talking about comes about when this person is talking about what happened to them for the fiftieth time you heard the story so, if i'm really listening to them i don't hear what they talk about the past cause i know that the more they talk about the past the less healing will take place so i interrupt but i interrupt to bring the conversation to life they're talking about the past and i interrupt then and i say excuse me but sounds like right now you're still feeling hurt because your need for respect wasn't met in that see, cause just letting them talk about the past and asking them questions about what happened about the past is to just keep the soap opera going so i interrupt when they talk about the past cause we don't heal by talking about the past we heal by talking about what's alive in us right now stimulated by the past but it's what's here now and when i connect at that level they won't keep talking about it they'll heal last question and then i'm going to get into the subject that i'd like to cover before the end yes? you talk about having if someone else can not cause our emotional pain that's right and i think about the abuse that i grew up with and that i see in a lot of families and the suffering that i've experienced throughout my life through my recovery and all that yes and other people were a stimulus for your suffering and you were participant in how you dealt with it for example: if you follow me in my work you would see this very clearly in places like rwanda, burundi, sierra leone i'm working with people that have had their families killed some of those people have such rage that all they live for, moment by moment, is the possibility of vengeance others have no anger have never had anger same exact stimulus they have deep feelings but not rage so it is not the stimulus that determines how our emotional reaction is that part is up to us i work with some women unfortunately a lot who've been raped and some of them feel shame deep shame some feel rage some feel other things so the same stimulus depends on how people take it whether they feel shame, rage, or other things i'm working with a woman from rwanda she heard her three children being killed cause she got... to underneath the sink hid underneath the sink in time her children didn't make it to the hiding place in time they got killed she heard them she heard her husband being killed and her brother she had to stay underneath there eleven days to save her own life cause they stayed in their house after they killed the family this woman has deep feelings but never once has she had that kind of anger that makes her wanna get vengeance she's put all of her feelings and lots of them into protecting preventing this happening to anybody else you see, so the way she looked at it leads her to want to prevent this happening to anybody else she came to my workshop because she wanted to know how to deal with the rage toward her from other people in her tribe who are furious with her that she won't join their efforts to kill the other people same stimulus quite different reactions okay, so i had this stimulus and somewhere i learned how to deal with it in a way that i had to deal with it and i'm learning to change that now the worst thing of course would be to now matter how you did choose to deal with it is to think there's something wrong with how you chose to deal with it that not wanting us to get into one way is right or wrong I'm just saying that no matter what happens to us the other person's responsible for what they did i'm not saying the other person doesn't have responsibility that's my question about accountability that person's responsible for what they did and why they did it we're responsible for how we deal with that okay? i'm just wondering how a child becomes responsible i mean still you know the first thing i do i wouldn't wanna teach the child the lesson i just taught you until i had given that child all the empathy that child needed and i guess it would be a lot so i can see myself dealing with a long time of hearing this child's enormous pain as a result of this but then, in the course of this i would be seeing this child having some pain created by how they looked at it so i would see that they're creating pain on top of the pain by how they looked at it so, after the child had all the empathy he or she needed then i would do what i could to get them to see it in a way that wouldn't create unnecessary pain for themself this is a debut jackal, yes okay, now what i'd like to do in that precious time that we have left to deal with a very important part of giraffe cause i wouldn't want you to get the idea that non-violent communication is solely interested in conflict resolution because it's equally interested in celebration how can we celebrate life in fact the part that i've left for ten minutes before the end is in some respects the most important part because it's where we get the fuel to stay giraffe in what's often a very jackalish world so it's gonna be pretty hard to make this radical transformation to back to our nature in many situations unless we're getting plenty of fuel now where does this fuel come from the fuel comes from celebration and what kind of celebration? comes from saying thank you in giraffe so let's see now in the last minutes how we celebrate by saying thank you in giraffe expressing gratitude in giraffe and first i'd like to remind you of how jackals say thank you: you did a good job on that paper you are a very kind person you're a good dancer can you see why that's jackal? moralistic judgments positive moralistic judgments are equally as violent in my estimation as negative ones mainly they reinforce the idea that the negative exist if i say you're a kind person i'm implying there's such a thing as an unkind person i'm also implying that i'm the judge that knows the difference so no more praise or compliments, okay? no more praise or compliments especially if you intend them as a reward that's the ultimate dehumanization to use thank you as a reward to say it for the purpose of trying to reinforce something to get the person to continue doing it it's like sending a... you know, what what gets on at dog obedience school? punishment and rewards giving a compliment or praise for the purpose of reinforcement is giving the dog a something to eat, to reinforce it for something people are not for that treatment and it destroys the beauty of thank you when people have to wonder - is this being said out of that energy? but it works! what does, jackal? studies in management indicate that if managers praise and compliment employees they lead production goes up studies in school show that if teachers praise and compliment students daily they work harder jackal, take another look at the research i think you'll see that that only works for a very short time until people see the manipulation and then it no longer works and it destroys the beauty of thank you because now you can not even trust gratitude without wondering whether it's being used as a reinforcement as a reward well, what about if i wanna build up the other person's self-esteem? what's wrong with that? so, you, jackal, you don't see the irony of that? what? if the other person can only like themself if you compliment them they have no self-esteem you just addicted them to your rewards that they only feel good when you say something about them they have no self-esteem okay how does a giraffe say thank you? or gratitude? first, there's three things that are involved in giraffe expression of gratitude that give us energy to keep being a giraffe the first thing in the giraffe expression of gratitude is we bring to this other person's attention concretely, what they have done that has made life more wonderful for us see, that's what we need to do, daily we need to bring our consciousness and attention to the power that each one of us has to make life more wonderful each of us is a power house we have words that have the power to contribute to making people's lives more wonderful we have touch, we can touch people in ways that can make life more wonderful we can provide services for other people we are powerhouses the more we remember this we'll not get caught up in any violent games why would we use our energy any way other than to make life wonderful when we remember that we have this power so that's one thing we gotta make clear in our expression of gratitude specifically what the person did not some vague generality for example, a woman in Geneva, Switzerland, came up to me at the end of a workshop here's what she said to me: you're brilliant i said, doesn't help she said: what do you mean? i said, you know ma'am, i have been called a lot of names in my life really, i have, some positive, and some far less than positive and i can never recall learning anything valuable by somebody telling me what i am i think there's zero information value in being told what you are and great danger - you might believe it and it's just as dangerous to believe that you're smart as that you're stupid both of them reduce you to a thing we're much more than either of those but i can see in your eyes that you want to express some gratitude yes - and i wanna receive it, but doesn't help me to be told what i am what do you need to hear? what did i do to make life more wonderful for you? well, you're so intelligent no, doesn't help doesn't help. what did i do? oh, i got you. she opens up her notebook she shows me two things that i had said she had written down she put a big star by them see, that helps me now, okay that helps me to know that somehow my saying those two things made this person's life more wonderful so that's the first thing we need to say in appreciation we need to bring to the person's attention concretely what they did that made life more wonderful second, at the moment we're giving the gratitude to say how we feel at that moment about the person having done that so i said to this woman: could you tell me how you feel now as a result of my having said those two things? she said: hopeful and relieved oh, hopeful and relieved that gives me much more than telling me what i am that i'm brilliant just to know that somehow my saying those two things now this person feels hopeful and relieved now when i hear the third thing i'll be able to really enjoy this gratitude i said: what need of yours was fulfilled by my saying what i did that leaves you feeling hopeful and relieved? and that's the third thing we need to see in a giraffe gratitude she said: i have an 18-year old son i'd never been able to connect with him it's been very painful that we never can connect and i have needed some direction to help me connect with him those two things you said met my need for some concrete direction so, had she expressed her gratitude in giraffe she would have said, marshall, when you said these two things, showed me what the two things were it leaves me feeling hopeful and relieved it meets a need of mine to connect with my son in a way that i want okay, that's how we say gratitude in giraffe those three things and it's also important how we receive gratitude let me show you how a jackal receives gratitude jackal, when you offered to give me the ride just now over to where i'm going afterwards i feel very grateful because i really have a need to spend more time with my family and if i took the bus i'd have an hour less time it's nothing if you wanna terrorize a jackal, express love or appreciation to him really, if you really wanna scared jackal i've never seen anything scare jackal-speaking people more than sincere gratitude or love why do you get so nervous, jackal, when you hear it? well, i don't know that i deserved it see. jackals have this dangerous concept in their head - "deserve". a very violent concept it implies that you have to deserve appreciation you have to... you do deserve punishment if you behave in a certain way see the concept of deserve is a key ingredient in a violent way of life if you believe in deserve you believe certain things are worth things and you set up a very destructive economic system you'll set up a destructive correctional system very dangerous concept well, it's not the only reason why else do you get so scared when you hear gratitude, jackal? what's wrong with being humble? so, you want to, have a need for humility yes well, you know, jackal, there's different kinds of humility i'm afraid that your kind is a jackal humility i think that your kind is the kind that golda meir the israeli prime minister was reacting to when she said to one of her politicians: don't be so humble, you're not that great but the main reason that i believe that gratitude is so scary for many of us to receive is beautifully and poetically written in the course of miracles where they say it's our light, not our darkness, that scares us the most see we have been educated in this jackal way to hate ourselves to think there's something wrong with us it's a big jump, to really see what i was saying that we have enormous power to make life wonderful and there's nothing we enjoy doing more than exercising that power that's unfortunately a pretty big jump for us to come to but we can come to it so that's how we say... gratitude observation, feeling and need same literacy make sure it's coming from the heart to celebrate and never to praise, compliment, reward so any last comments or questions before our time runs up? i'm grateful for all your time and attention today