so i titled this jesus love and beauty for ashes but i'm gonna read it for you so if i look like i'm not looking at the screen um bear with me but i pray that this touches you if you've experienced a great loss in whatever area you know at bethel they're talking about grief can be anything you know it doesn't mean losing someone to death it could be loss of position role relationship there's so many areas that we carry grief in and never has been more a time of walking in areas of grief and just the unknown so i want to share this with you and i hope it encourages you and touches you in the places where god is ministering to you already so let me read what i got yesterday instead of fear of the unknown we have a beautiful anticipation of what's next father what's next a new joy a new love a new hope a new peace i see him handing us all gifts some of us more love some of us more joy some of us more peace and some of us more hope i see us reaching out our arms to receive what gift he has for us or gifts but then we find we have our arms so full of ashes we've been carrying for so long holding them tight embracing them all so closely and feeling the heaviness and weightiness when jesus asks us can i have those will you give them to me we clutch them tighter hold them against our chest nearer to our heart no we scream i won't let them go they are mine we sob and feel so all alone we hold these ashes as if they are our best friend but we are trapped and not able to use our arms for anything else we are standing there holding a pile of ashes we are sitting here holding a pile of ashes as i'm standing here holding my own ashes i see jesus is right in front of me he reaches out with his hand and gently lifts my chin my eyes look into his and he is gazing deep into my eyes he says daughter i love you will you give your ashes to me do you trust me but i don't want to let go i want to hold these ashes they are mine i know them i own them these are my stories my journey i won't let them go who will i be without them what will i do where will i go how will i know when can i why must i let them go why jesus looks in my eyes again i see tears pooling and dropping slowly on his cheeks he once again says daughter i love you would you give me your ashes i hold them as if i'm embracing my own child inside i'm screaming no these are mine i'm the one who has lived through each one of these traumas i'm the one who has lost so much i'm the one who has suffered this is who i've become this is who i am these are my ashes i see jesus fall on his knees before me he is weeping he lowers his head then places his hand on his heart like he's aching for me he's crying for me he looks up and gazes back into my eyes i hear him say my precious daughter i've lived each one of these moments with you i've given my life so you can live i've suffered for your freedom these are my ashes the ashes are getting so much more heavy i feel how they are blocking me from throwing myself in jesus arms i won't let go of them so i'm sitting there stuck i can't do anything jesus slowly stands up and comes directly towards me he stands in front of me he opens his arms fully outstretched to receive me i want to throw myself into him in my arms around him but i don't want to let go of these ashes they've become a part of me jesus steps closer right to me he then wraps his arms all around me and holds me in all my ashes he is sheltering me and just keeps on holding me i start to feel the ashes slowly blowing away in the wind as i nudge myself closer to his arms not wanting to let go piece by piece i feel each ass as it leaves but i can't reach to pull them back into my arms or i risk all of them gone oh that was for my sister oh that one was for my brother oh that one was for my other brother that was the ash from losing a baby that ash was a teenage years in pain with my kids that ash is my childhood that ash is my rejection that ash's loneliness that ash's lack of resources that ash's sickness that ash's loss of relationships and misunderstandings this continues as they one by one are floating away i lay my head against jesus chest i feel the ashes leaving me i don't want to leave his embrace here i feel safe here i feel protected here i feel loved it's too much to let go of all the ashes at once this burden of caring and protecting my ashes my memories have become my responsibility it has become my identity my purpose i need to protect the ashes at all cost as i'm there held in his arms the tears start to come then they won't stop they flow out like a fountain has been turned on i weep and weep and weep and then weep and weep and weep some more jesus keeps holding me i feel his tears drop on my head my face he is weeping with me for me for my ashes as which each one of his tears drop more of the ashes begin to dissolve and others are blowing away in the wind slowly these ashes continue to leave me as i'm staying safe and loved in his arms he is weeping with me he is being with me i just want to stay here in this place forever in his arms in his intimacy all of a sudden i feel my heart is touching his heart i can feel the rhythm in his heartbeat beating in sync with mine or is it my heart beating in sync with his each one each beat bringing more healing to my heart a song is shaping a sound is forming boom boom boom boom boom boom i realized that somewhere and somehow in this moment as i'm in jesus arms and glancing up in his beautiful face i forgot about the ashes and i'm letting them go i have my arms wrapped tightly around him i'm fully enrafting him i can't think of anything else but him jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus i am safe i feel peace i feel love with him more tears are coming but i can feel their tears of joy from mourning love from hate forgiveness from bitterness hope from disappointments and peace from chaos i love you jesus i love you jesus hold me thank you jesus you