[Translated by Suzan Alkhodair] So no one is ever born homosexual? No, never I see adolescents in the clinic, and they talk about gender-reassignment operations in length and details They mention a lot of medical information, which are all wrong! Where did they get them from? The father would be sitting open mouthed, not understanding anything his son is saying I've seen so many teenage boys and girls who spoke to their parents about their desire, but were refused What happened next? There are many websites that tell them, all they need to do is send a photo of their passport and they will receive a ticket, will be adopted by a family over there, and will be entered into the school system, all for free.. And they went Hello.. This is Fnjan from Thmanyah, and I'm Abdurrahman Abu Maleh First of all, I don’t care about America and Western values.. We have great values that we should focus on and honor One of which is family and social solidarity, which will come up a lot in this episode and I find it important for every father and mother, anyone becoming a parent Sixty-two percent of American spouses said that they found parenting more difficult than they had anticipated Another study says that 45 percent of parents don't know who to turn to for support in raising and caring for their child This is normal for an individualistic society.. But what about our Arab or Saudi society? What is the healthy model of transitioning from marriage to parenthood? How do we provide children with the care, communication, and presence they need at different stages? From pregnancy to age two, for instance If the mother's role is obvious, what is the father's role? Then, the child grows and things get more complicated, more needs All health organizations and studies warn against giving children electronic devices, even older ones In spite of that, all, or at least most, children are preoccupied with mobile phones In this episode we will discuss the dangers of this issue, scientifically.. How we should handle children at this stage and when they are adolescents How do we deal with the challenges, from simple ones, like stubbornness, to the most difficult ones, like sexual preference Our guest is Dr. Hiba Hariri, psychotherapist and faculty member at Jeddah University Before we begin, we had worked recently on a documentary of a different kind, about a high-profile celebrity Talal Maddah described this person as his rival in the Gulf region He was subjected to delicate political situations and events that changed his life and led him to quit for a while That celebrity is singer Khaled Alsheikh.. The documentary is called, Khaled Alshaikh between the thorns of entertainment and politics Khaled tells his story and answers many questions about his career and political positions in this splendid documentary directed by Jamal Kutby I and the whole team at Thmanyah wait to see you at the premiere during the Red Sea Film Festival on December second Seats are limited; so you will find the link to book a seat in the description Thank you to our sponsors for this episode, Safa company and Sella platform.. Now, let's begin A friend and colleague of mine here.. doesn't like you.. at all Goodness.. OK.. Why? What did I do to him? He has a daughter and a son--May Allah protect them.. His daughter is seven or eight years old.. The boy is younger He did not like your last episode He says, "Enough with these Western ideas.. I don't like them.. My father used to beat me and I learned and turned out fine" "Our kids will also get beaten.. This is our life.. I hate the Western way of raising children" So he's angry and says that you're giving the issue of raising children more than it deserves I must have struck a nerve with him But many people say this Raising kids should be this and that.. And some say you have to take a course on how to raise your kids I mean, why this fuss? People have been raising children for a long time They just raise them.. And some do it well.. It didn't need so much effort Also, in the past people married at a much younger age Now people get married at 30, and we have to qualify them to raise their kids.. Do you feel that we've blown this issue out of proportion? I don't think we're exaggerating at all.. If you look at learning resources today, they are different from what they were in the past The community is the same.. But parenting challenges my grandfather and his father faced are not the same as the ones we face today I'll give you an example from another perspective.. When my grandfather learned his trade he did not go to university or get a license or attend courses, right? But he succeeded and built a life for himself, and they built this country with those capabilities and challenges Would I be able to follow the same path as my grandfather today, without going to university or getting a license? I won't know where to begin.. The circumstances and reality demand that I take into account the changes and figure out how I can feel empowered now as an individual The same goes for raising children.. They used to say that it takes a village to raise a child And that was literally true then.. The whole neighborhood or village or extended family would help and participate We don't have this outstanding feature today.. As a mother, I feel like I live in an isolated cement city So I need sources that are different from what my grandmother and ancestors had It's a question of what are the changes and how can I fit in and be empowered and at equilibrium with those changes? It's not an issue of importing ideas from other countries and copy-pasting them to feel modern or whatever.. It's broader than that Have we begun recording? Yes You could have let me know, so I could adjust my hijab Are most people ready to become parents? Truthfully, no, but let me elaborate on that We always say that love is an instinct.. That feeling of fatherhood or motherhood is something we are born with You can see this in children, when they play with dolls and feed them and put them to bed This reflects human nature, that we are born ready for these good feelings, ready to care for and protect.. They are all things we are born with and part of Allah's plan But when we talk about raising children and how to build this psychological, social, and ideological structure in this individual that God has entrusted me with.. This needs to be learned, and not necessarily by reading a book or attending a course It can be learned from a conversation with someone who has experience, from my extended family, my father, even my own experiences So the sources change But whether we are ready for parenting is a different issue I always say that parenting is a process of never-ending growth and learning I can't say that I now have all the capabilities I need to be a mother; so I can have children.. It doesn't happen that way We continue to learn with each child.. You must have heard people say, "This child taught me a lot" What we mean by that is that our children come with new challenges for us, personal, social, ideological, and even spiritual These challenges are opportunities for us to learn and grow with our children It's not a matter of attending a course then being ready to get pregnant.. It doesn't work that way But there is what we call the bare minimum, fundamental things I need to be aware of and have in my possession before taking this journey keeping in mind that during this journey, and up to my last day on this earth, I will be learning more and growing There will always be opportunities for trial and error and to grow and mature What are the fundamentals? The first one that many are not aware of isn't about the children; it's about us I always see this in the clinic.. The parents come to complain about the child, but there is nothing wrong with the child whatsoever The problem lies within the parents.. We have a saying, parenting is from the inside out Meaning that if I have issues.. For example, I feel that I'm not good enough or I'm not confident in my capabilities.. I'm nervous.. No one loves me.. I'm not accepted Do you think that those issues won't affect your children? The fact is that they're the first thing the issues will be projected onto because they are the people in your closest circle and the ones who will test you a lot in emotional situations If I feel that I'm not good enough.. When my baby cries all night and can't sleep, he will stir up that issue I have inside And that will make me panic as a mother.. "Why is he crying.. I don't know how to handle him.. He kept me up all night" I'll start to feel like a bad mother and stress out and call someone to complain This will make me miss out on the joys of motherhood, and I won’t be able to give my baby the emotional presence he needs All because his crying triggored something inside me.. let's call it my sense of self or unfolded issues I don't want to call them complexes. They're issues within us that have not been resolved So the first step to parenthood is to know yourself from the inside.. Communicate with yourself Because by having healthy communication with myself I will have the ability to be fully present for my children, emotionally, cognitively, socially This presence will help me to help them get in touch with themselves The worst thing, Abdurrahman, is to go through life without knowing ourselves, because, if we don’t, when faced with problems or challenges we won't be able to punch our way out of a paper bag Because I don't know where I'm coming from.. Why did I suddenly get angry? Why did this situation stress me? Why do I fear this job? Why is it that at meetings I feel like what I have to say is "stupid" and no one will listen to it? And how do we react to that? We withdraw or react with excess violence or perfectionism or I may become a pleaser.. I know people who would work themselves to the bone at work just to please everyone, because they feel frightened and stressed inside This communication with ourselves benefits us first and foremost but also helps us as parents to our children Therefore, the greatest thing we can do for our children is to have honest communication with ourselves so that we develop good mental well-being Our children don't want us to be rich or clowns or someone who fulfills every demand They want you to be present, be close, and to communicate.. This is what they need in order to grow in a safe and healthy way How do we communicate with ourselves? The simplest way is to give yourself time Go into your mobile settings and look at your screen time.. How much time did you spend on TikTok and Instagram and other apps I wish they would also show how much time you spent with yourself, cutoff from the outside world and sitting alone with your inner universe looking at your daily experiences.. It won't be more than minutes.. For some people not even one second.. They live exclusively in the outside world But we each have an inner world, our feelings, thoughts, convictions, even our spiritual values Our experiences.. We all have had experiences that were not planned and that left some sort of mess inside of us How long did we sit and reflect on them to find out that when I became excessively angry in that situation it wasn't really about the situation It was actually because of something older it reminded me of that I swept under the carpet thinking I was done with it, but it resurfaced with this situation So, time, we need time to spend with ourselves, and it's not complicated We may think it is complicated today because time flies by fast and we have a lot of responsibilities We're highly motivated to accomplish so much, competition at work, and many other things.. We no longer have time for ourselves Step one would be to make time for yourself.. It will be difficult at first In the clinic when we tell the patient to search and communicate, he might say, "I'm upset." “’Upset’ isn't an emotion, peel away that layer.” "I'm angry." “Peel away that layer. Anger is always a cover for something else, so look deeper” "I'm frustrated." “From whom?” "From people." “Look deeper.” "I feel inadequate," or "ashamed" “Peel that away and see what's below it,” and so on.. We need to look deep into our feelings to understand them Another thing is, when do these emotions cause us problems in situations? For example, my daughter comes home and says she was bullied at school. She needs me to be emotionally present for her But many mothers would instead ask, "Who bullied you? Who did this?” and call the school.. She would then direct her reaction and anger toward the school Why? Because this situation may have made her feel--again it comes down to the layers--inadequate or frustrated Or maybe I have an old wound because no one defended me in the past So I'm now going to carry out my agenda on my daughter. I will defend her Or the exact opposite could happen. I may pour my anger onto my daughter. "You did this to yourself.. You're spoiled" And the situation would be unbalanced. Why? Well, we need to ponder that Maybe I let my anger out on my daughter because she reminded me of myself when I was a little girl being bullied and not knowing what to do I wished back then that I was strong. So now I am projecting that old wish, old agenda, onto my daughter "You have to be tough.. deal with it." And we'd be putting more effort into the situation that it's really worth All because I projected an old experience onto this one, making things stressful for me and my child And so honest communication with ourselves allows us to first tidy up our inner home so that I can be able to separate my pains and fears from this small situation with my children What you're saying is amazing.. great but communicating with myself is really difficult.. in many respects My watch sometimes tells me to take a minute--one minute--to be alone with myself And I've never done it, except maybe once when I bought the watch.. And this was around three years ago To take a moment to disconnect from the outer world and sit with yourself is difficult I may not know how to communicate with my inner self.. There are tools I imagine If I do communicate, how would I know if I have issues? How would I resolve them, and how will I know that I did resolve them? I imagine that this will lead me to go to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist Would it be considered a luxury? And then I'd be spending a lot of money, because therapists are expensive It costs 300, 400, or 500 riyals per session, and that's just the beginning So I find it very difficult and not an easy thing to do.. And when I try to think how I can reflect it onto my life, I find it difficult It is difficult, I understand and agree with you. It's not something we learned or grew up with Add to that how the pace of our lives is becoming faster.. Our responsibilities are increasing.. Distractions are increasing I lived in a time when the phone never rang after 9 pm, unless there was a death, God forbid Look at our mothers' lives. They were able to disconnect from the outside world because there was nothing intruding into them They were in their inner world from nightfall until morning.. Today we can't do that. We continue to watch all the wars going on until we sleep We have to acknowledge this burden we have today I can't just tell you to disconnect from the outside world.. I understand that it is a challenge, but it is possible It does require effort Look at exercise for instance. Up to five years ago, you'd rarely see a gym.. But today there's a gym on every block The people haven't changed, so why is it they have time to go to the gym now? Maybe they became more aware Exactly, they became more aware, and it became a priority.. We now get that our physical health reflects on our mental health It became part of societal culture because we practiced it, and the practice spread in the society That's why many establishments began to cater to this demand, and entrepreneurs began to invest it in.. The same goes for what's happening today And speaking of communication, there was a study quite a while ago involving two thousand women who were "miserable in their marriage" They wanted to see if being miserable reflected on the women's health and appearance They found that some of the women looked older than their age and had chronic physical pains, and it was related to their feeling of being miserable in their marriage On the other hand, some women did not look older or have physical complaints, but they were also unhappy in their marriage The difference was that these women had communities of women they talked to and vented with This reminded me of the longest hadith of the prophet's wife Aisha, about the women who were complaining about their husbands And the woman whose husband took another wife after years of marriage.. I don't recall the prophet's response But it shows us a gathering of women expressing their fears and feelings and ideas What we're saying is difficult today has been going on since long ago.. We just don't give it enough space now.. We need to invite it back into our lives Communication doesn't necessarily mean going to a psychiatric clinic We need to know that going out and talking with a close friend or sister and venting with them and getting in touch with our feelings These are all free tools that can help make it easier for us to communicate You mentioned parenting, and you mentioned marriage. Is there a difference between them? Is every married couple capable of becoming parents? The relationship in a marriage is a relationship between two adults Parenting is different. It's a partnership with this family and offspring and its growth on every front I always say that most people’s definition of raising a family is to feed them and get them in a good school But those are only the physiologic needs of children, the most basic of their needs The next level are parents who are more aware and want to nurture their children's thought, how they think and analyze Some parents get involved in their children's emotional upbringing, how they express their emotions, communicate, and manage their anger, frustration, and so on Others also invest in spiritual upbringing.. Upbringing has many different levels Spiritual upbringing plays a role. Economic upbringing also plays a big role.. Many parents think that children won't understand But we have to begin at an early age.. introducing the philosophy of money, how it is used, saving.. It's all part of raising children I'll get to this later, but I'd like to know more about the parents. Do both spouses need to be ready to raise children? or is one enough, like the mother for example? I'll give you a model answer and a realistic one The model answer is yes, both should be ready, because it is very taxing for one spouse to carry the whole burden The healthy form would be that both carry the load There will definitely be differences between them. One might be better with the emotional aspect, the other with the economic, and so on, they complement each other And this is how Allah meant it to be. No one is perfect Traditionally motherhood takes on the larger role, breastfeeding and so on It's true that a greater burden does fall on the mother in the first years But this does not excuse the father from playing a role.. However, the mother definitely plays a larger role If one of the spouses feels that the other is not ready to become a parent, is it better to delay having children? Look, the term "not ready" is a very broad term, it's a spectrum A person will never be 100 percent ready. I could be a mother and still feel like there are parts of life that I'm not ready for If we take emotions, for instance, I might be ready to deal with anger but not ready to deal with loss.. "Readiness" is a very broad term No one will ever be 100-percent ready. Your baby will have inherited 60 percent of his traits anyway, so he will surprise you a lot So readiness is different from person to person, and for people who say "I'm not ready," you will never be 100-percent ready But tell yourself that, “I am an individual always capable of learning and maturing with my children” However, a person is truly not ready if he or she is not ready to take on the responsibility.. Although, even "responsibility" is a broad term If someone, a mother for example, says, "I'm not ready to wake up many times a night to breastfeed." "I'm not ready to leave my job, which demands many hours from me." If a person is not ready for the main aspects of it and is clearly not ready, then I would say, OK, don't bring a child into this world to leave in the hands of servants For the purpose of completing the picture (father, mother, and child), while that child is neglected or his parents are unable to care for him So rely on many different people to do so instead, grandmother, maids, etc. This hurts us a great deal, and its cost is very dear on the child in the short and long term What's the minimum a couple requires to be able to say they are ready? That they are ready to take on the responsibility and to discover themselves along with this little person they will have That you are prepared to provide all types of care, physical, emotional But, to be fair, my minimum could very well be someone else's maximum, because people are different That's why I will come back and tell you, know yourself. Getting in touch with yourself will answer the question Could I get to know myself through my spouse? Can they help each other in this respect? Definitely A family goes through several stages, Abdurrahman. The first stage is always challenging because two people come together in one arena, each from different worlds, different value systems and experiences Two different worlds are merging to create one We always tell people to give this first experience the time it needs.. Many divorces happen in this stage because of disagreement Each spouse expects the other to become like them, but that won't happen Think of it as two circles. They're not going to completely merge. Nor will they stay separated. They're going to build a common ground between them, and each will hold on to a part of their own I can't simply leave behind everything I was taught and create something new.. I'm a person who carries experiences This dynamic that happens in the beginning, how much we overlap, how much we keep to ourselves, is full of opportunities to get to know ourselves and get to know the other person. How much can I rely on him or her? What are his/her strengths in this relationship? Those may very well be their strengths as parents Does this usually take months or years? It depends on how aware we are going to be and how clear For instance, there are couples who are married for years but never give this thought. She lives in her world, he in his, or they avoid such conversations Also, when there are disagreements--which is normal--they provide good opportunities to try and understand why this situation upset me There are people who go through life without really focusing.. It might take longer for them But there are spouses with good awareness, focus, and insight, and who put aside time to discuss all these issues For them it might not take more than weeks or months But, again, it's not a matter of how long? It's a matter of how There are studies that say spouses' satisfaction with their marriage falls after having children What happens during that stage and how can they fix it? What is the healthy model of transitioning from the role of spouse to the role of parent? This brings us back to the stages a family goes through. This is the first stage, and once you have a child you move to the second stage Some spouses don't transition.. They stay in the first stage. That's why they sometimes say, "I feel like there's a distance between us." It's because she's at one station and you're at another They don't understand the nature of each station or stage. Each stage has its requirements, needs, and challenges So if they are not together during this stage, they will feel lonely, that things changed, and, as you said, dissatisfied There's bound to be dissatisfaction if they don't move together to the next stage.. And not being in the same stage together is an indication One reason why one spouse doesn't move to the next stage is that he or she is holding on to everything about that stage But whether you like it or not, the stage was over once the baby arrived, and you must move to the next stage This reflects a person's psychological abilities like flexibility, rigidity, compatibility.. All of these grow with experience, Abdurrahman My flexibility during the first stage may be limited But by going through all of those experiences and challenges, it increases Don't expect these psychological skills to come to you on a red carpet.. It's a process that goes through many difficulties In fact, for any of us, looking back at our lives, we would be thankful for the difficult times or challenges we went through because that's what strengthens our psychological abilities This is one of the convictions that we need to understand.. These difficult times and feelings of dissatisfaction we go through are opportunities to learn and grow and mature What changes in the life of the married couple? Everything Even going to the bathroom, if you'll excuse the example. Ask any mother and she'll tell you she can't even use the bathroom The baby's always crying, and if she's alone, she has to wait for her husband to be home just to take a shower while he watches the baby Sleep changes.. They may not find time to eat Their leisure time changes. They won't be able to watch a movie late at night, for example, if they're up with a sick or teething baby.. And many other challenges. A lot changes And it doesn't matter if you know about this and are expecting it, actually experiencing it is a different thing altogether So many things change You said that the couple need to know that they will take on new roles and compromise.. What are healthy compromises that happen between couples? It depends. I always say that each family is unique.. Each person is unique.. And this is important One of the things I see in the media that is not very, let's say, prudent is packaging solutions into a fixed set of steps, 1,2,3 What one should give up really differs from person to person.. And it goes back to our capabilities This is why you need to know yourself.. The more you do, the more you are able to answer these questions The worst thing I can do is to say in the media that you should compromise your sleep and work and friends Those three things may be luxuries to me but essential to someone else If I give up my work it might not affect me, but for another mother, that could shake an important economic pillar in her family This is why we can't generalize.. I advise every father and mother to beware of readymade solutions Because they seem very convenient at first.. All I need to do is 1,2,3.. Plus, in this fast age we want quick fixes But we can't give readymade solutions.. You need to test yourself to know what you can compromise Also, I may decide today to compromise my sleep, but then realize that that is really affecting my health So I wouldn't be able to compromise my sleep, and I'd ask for help, for instance The answer is that each person can answer the question, if they get in touch with themselves Do they agree on these roles before having children or see how things play out? Both.. The more we have open conversations with each other and think out loud together, as partners, the better It's very helpful, even if things don't go according to our plan.. We could have made a great plan but then are surprised when we have a baby that won't sleep at night You could also have a baby that sleeps all night, and you won't have to compromise your sleep That must be an angel.. There are no babies like that Yes, there are One of my daughters was like that. But in return, she wouldn't sleep during the day Like I said, we may make plans, but then you never know what's going to happen. So flexibility is important Let's think out loud together but also be flexible enough to be able to face changes or surprises that might come along What is the reason for the dissatisfaction that happens after becoming parents? Is it because of expectations? How can we lessen this discomfort and turn it into a strong relationship? We have a theory that helps draw a clearer picture This is reality.. The farther our expectations are from reality, that area in between is filled with upsetting feelings So if this is my reality, no sleep , no time for friends, no time for the gym, but my expectations are to be going to the gym and meeting with my friends every Thursday If the expectations and reality are different, the distance between them will be filled with disappointment, anger, and dissatisfaction But if I lessen the distance between them as much as possible, I will be able to reduce those feelings That's why we always ask, what is your reality and what are your expectations? Another thing, Abdurrahman, is that many parents when they first go into the stage of having children think that this is how it is going to be It's not.. This baby who won't let you sleep now will grow older and sleep all day. In fact, you're going to be arguing with him to wake up Life goes through stages, and everything is temporary, and everything comes in its right time So if I am not able to exercise like I used to before having children, that doesn't mean that your whole life is going to be like this This is, in fact, one of the distorted ideas that are generalized If I'm not able to sleep now, it's only a matter of time. The baby will grow up, and I will be able to sleep again and get my rest Another thing parents experience is the fear of missing out (FOMO) They feel like, this baby came and deprived me of many things, the opportunity to study or work or opportunities to enjoy myself, and so on. But this is only temporary If you are unable to do these things now, don't fear that you are missing out, because you won't be missing out forever You will be able to do them later.. It's important to take in this stage as it is, accept it as it is, and live it as it is Many fathers can be physically in one stage but mentally in another What do you mean? Imagine, for example, a father of a two-year-old child, who needs him to be present physically, emotionally, and in other ways But the father has a big project that he wants to give many hours of his mental presence to And this causes an imbalance. The stage he's in requires that he is present here as well.. So how can we balance the two? What if he delayed the project for a year? Again, there are no model answers And I'm not preaching from inside an ivory tower.. There are opportunities that come and go Like I said, we need to look at it from all sides, because when this time passes we can't bring it back If there is no model answer, is there at least a compass or golden rule I can turn to? For example, this is what I need to accomplish.. How it's done will be different from one person to the next, but is there something I can aim toward? Again, I will say, take in the nature of the stage.. That might help If parents knew that 80 percent of a baby's brain develops in the first two years after birth It's the only organ that completes its development after a person is born. Everything else is fully developed before birth, the lungs, the heart, everything In order to develop, the brain needs emotional and social interaction, and part of that happens in the womb A baby stores sounds and other things. This is why we say that the mother's mental state during pregnancy directly affects the baby After birth, 80 to 90 percent of the baby's brain completes its development through this communication Allah’s creation is amazing, and it's one of the things that astonished me when I studied neuropsychology We compared babies' brains during the first two years.. Babies have emotional presence Babies whose mother looks at them while they coo, touches them, smiles at them, encourages them you can see their brain flourish with neurotransmitters Neglected babies, who don't get eye contact.. whose parents would say, "let him cry, don't pick him up or he'll become spoiled" People who just feed the baby then leave him lying in bed all the time, and children in orphanages who spend the time looking at the ceiling Their brains are frighteningly different.. They are smaller and have less neural activity.. The brain needs this neural activity to complete its development Many of the neural processes that we use as adults develop at that young age This fact alone is enough to let me understand that if, today, I delay working on this research or that project in order to give this social and emotional communication the time it needs I will know that this care will benefit this person when he grows up, because I helped him grow What does this care look like? As a parent, what should I do during the first year? Talk to my baby, carry him? Some people do strange things, and new things always turn up.. And you might get confused between your parents' advice and advice you get on Instagram I saw an interesting clip recently about people I believe bullying someone The clip showed a father holding his baby as if nursing him, and it was to allow skin-to-skin contact And in the comments some people knew what it was, but others thought it was strange When we see things on Instagram, should we do them? I don't know.. So tell us what we should do during the first two years I can summarize it in three words: communication, care, and presence Presence is to be truly present.. Just being there isn't enough.. You could be with your child but occupied on your phone The three, presence, communication, and care, complement each other I need to be emotionally present for this child There is a well-known experiment, that your followers can search for, that has been done several times It's called the still face experiment.. It's amazing, and it gives you the answer They brought a 6- to 8-month-old baby.. The age that we think doesn't know anything, and we’re not sure how to handle They asked the mother to be present and interact with him emotionally.. She would laugh and he would laugh with her, mirroring her feelings He'd coo and she would coo, she looked into his eyes.. She was being emotionally present. Now he's happy and I'm happy.. Then they asked the mother to do just one thing.. to keep her face still and not show any emotion She went away and came back with a still face.. What happened with the baby? It's amazing. At first, if you look at the baby's face, he felt like something was off. Then he began to feel confused, because there were no emotions, no presence At 8 months old? Yes, and there's more. The baby tried to play with his mother.. He made an effort to make her be present He was pointing with his hand and making sounds.. Babies will try to communicate Babies are born instinctively able to communicate. They just need the other person to connect with them He tried to communicate with his mother in an adorable way, but then he began to worry and cry The mother immediately caressed her baby, and he calmed down We learn from this that not being present, or blocking, or looking at a baby without any emotional presence or interacting with his emotions You can't imagine how distressing that is.. Children's brains are amazing. If only their brains were transparent, you'd see how amazing the amount of neurotransmission that goes on When the baby is afraid, the emotion areas in the brain, the limbic system and the amygdala, become highly active, alerting the person that something is wrong When a baby cries, and his mother insists on not entering the room to teach him to sleep on his own, when he's only months old The distress and emotions he feels create feelings of, "there's no one there.. I'm not important.. No one hears me.. No one understands my needs.. My needs are not important" Then, three-weeks later, the mother will say, "He sleeps on his own now." That's because he learned at a young age that no one is there for him.. No one understands him Babies who cry excessively and loud do that because they feel that no one understands them, so they scream louder to be understood We don't want our children to reach this level of emotional distress, like the distress we mentioned in the still face experiment That emotional distress is something a baby shouldn't go through, as much as possible.. They need our presence and care And as part of Allah's plan and fairness, presence and communication are free You don't need to be rich or educated or anything else All you need is eye contact, body contact.. There has been a lot of research on skin-to-skin contact, especially at birth I had two of my daughters in the United States. With the first, 11 years ago, skin-to-skin was optional. With the second, who is now seven, it became obligatory As long as the mother doesn't have a health problem or postpartum depression, skin-to-skin contact is obligatory because this contact between the baby's and the mother's skin regulates the baby's temperature and heart rate It's not just skin contact. The baby smells his mother and hears her breathing and feels safe and embraced This contact also activates his brain and starts to formulate a good sense of self “I'm loved.. I'm wanted.. I'm understood.. I'm important.” And these are the building blocks for a healthy mental foundation which will later give rise to self-confidence, safety, composure, and healthy communication You mentioned presence but only in relation to the mother. What about the father? It's the same. When I say, look into the baby's eyes and mimic cooing sounds, it's the same for the father You don't need to take a course. Simply look into his eyes and coo.. By the way, we all do this But we need to understand that by eye contact, communication, and body contact I'm not spoiling a baby or just keeping him busy I'm actually activating his brain.. I'm allowing his 20-percent-developed brain complete the remaining 80 to 90 percent of development So these mere seconds of communicating aren't only a pastime, they lead to neural, physical, and spiritual development You are laying down the first building blocks for this person's mental makeup When you understand this as a parent, you will truly appreciate the value of those moments You said that this is free, but I don't believe it is A father, for example, works eight or nine hours, a mother does too, and they come home exhausted How can they accommodate that in their demanding lifestyle? Just by being human. Even if you work eight hours and come home. I don't believe any father who says he has not time As long as you are able to pick up your phone and go on Twitter and Instagram, you have time If you have time for WhatsApp, you have time. So don't say that you don't have time.. Again, it's a matter of how, not how much A mother might tell me, "I work eight hours and when I come home, I only have four hours to spend with the baby" If you give the baby quality time and communication in those four hours, it will be enough.. If I work eight hours, it doesn't mean I need to spend eight hours with my children This is the idea, but today we deal with life in numbers, which is wrong and has made us inhuman Number two, if you come home tired, that's fine, show that.. Don't try to seem ideal to your children Don't walk in the house like a robot showcasing the highest standard of happiness and energy Let your children see that you are tired and need to rest but will come back to them This healthy communication with ourselves, where we show our limitations, our weaknesses and strengths our happiness and sadness, fatigue and health, tells them that we are human When they are older, they will learn from that example we set that it's OK to be tired and that because you are tired, you need to rest Again, back to the still face experiment. The baby understood that something was wrong with his mother and tried to do something.. Babies understand How early do they begin to understand? From birth.. As soon as they are born The studies are numerous, but I don't want to spend too much time on them.. Babies understand physical signs from the time they are four-months old You know the concept of gravity? A baby is born understanding this They showed babies a block moving in a straight line then falling And they monitored their brain activity while they watched the block Then they got a curtain and a person holding the block from behind the curtain to make it continue to move without falling The babies gazed longer and their brain activity became stronger, as if thinking, why didn't the block fall? And they were only five- or six-months old.. Babied perceive what's going on If a baby (months old) at a restaurant looks at you and you wave at him, he'll continue to look at you, right? What does that tell you? “I understand that you communicated with me, and I'm going to reciprocate with a smile” We always think that they are incomplete humans.. But they are complete and capable of communicating and understanding They come into this world already able to understand Am I supposed to talk to babies, and from when? From the time they are in the womb Babies store a lot of sounds in the womb, a lot Without bringing up research, I have personally experienced this I was preparing my older daughter for the arrival of her sister. So we had a favorite story book titled "Big Sisters are the Best" It was about what a big sister is and how mommy will be busy when the baby comes, to prepare her I will never forget this, my baby was just 48-hours old in my arms, and my older daughter brough the book to read As soon as I said "Big sisters are the best," Lena, in my arms, turned her head toward her sister and became calm as if listening to the story And as she grew, every time we would say big sisters are the best she would calm down and listen This tells us that she found that familiar.. Many people tell us their baby has a favorite song or Qur'an reciter, whom the mother may have listened to during pregnancy Many studies have proven this, and we see it in reality.. Sounds are stored We always think that because the baby doesn't interact with us verbally, he doesn't understand But not having the ability to communicate verbally doesn't mean he isn't able to communicate in general Part of communication is verbal, but the most part is not OK, in the first two years, that stage, fathers usually don't know what their role is The mother's role is clear, to a greater extent, but what is the father's role? Thank you so much for asking this.. It is very culturally related.. In our culture we rely heavily on the mother “A mother is a school, if properly prepared, brings out generations of good values" [a famous line of poetry] This is one of the things we are paying for It gave fathers an excuse to think that they are only a classroom, or the doorman of the school This culture, unfortunately, gave the impression that the father is nothing but the ATM, who spends money, or entertainer Again, we must say that what the mother does during the first two years, communicating with the eyes, holding the baby, and so on the father can do as well, like feeding, same daily practices They should be split equally between the two parents--maybe not necessarily equally--but the mother need not always be the one to put the baby to bed It's good for the father to be able to put the baby to bed, because the mother may get sick or fatigued, or need to go out for any reason What happens is that the father feels unable to deal with the baby, and it happens a lot, "I don't know how to feed him.. I don't know how to put him to bed" Part of the blame for this falls on the mother if she took over all of the responsibility from the start Probably not intending to, she took all responsibility from the father There is a study saying that mothers act as gatekeepers to fathers playing with their children To children, there is more physical and emotional comfort when playing with dad than with mom And mom’s presence while they play with dad makes their play more limited, because moms are more disciplined, "don't make a mess" The child might feel more limited playing with mom and freer with dad One of the recommendations they gave was that the mother should leave the kids alone with their father and take herself out of the picture Let dad play and deal with things. He does not have to follow your methods We don't need to have similar styles when it comes to parenting Some mothers tell me that the father plays dangerous games with the kids.. Well, that's what he wants to play.. He doesn't have to play neatly like you do or clean up if they want to make a mess We have to accept each other's differences and give fathers space with the kids.. Sometime they don't really get that space in our society Is it healthy for children to see that their mom and dad are so different? Yes, being different is part of our nature, and children are very clever I'm sure that parents who are listening to us know this.. A boy knows how to ask his grandfather for something, and it's different from how he asks his father He knows that he can butter up his grandfather to get what he wants and also knows how he needs to talk to his father Children's personalities at school are different from when they are at home, because they understand that they are in a different environment Babies are born understanding this variability, so why do we want to make everything equal and ideal? That's not needed You said earlier that some people let their babies cry to learn that it isn't a solution to get their needs met Others say.. I believe I read this in a tweet that once you respond to your baby's cry by picking him up, he will know that crying is the way to get what he wants So how do we deal with it? Each time he wants candy or chocolate or to go out, he'll just cry, and the solution is to give him what he wants What age are you talking about? I don't know. At what age does this happen? In the first two years, the baby's only language is crying And this is also a problem. I need to know when he cries if he's upset or angry or just being fussy A baby can't communicate with words, so he makes noises Studies have looked at different baby cries. Not all types of crying are similar. There's crying from hunger, tummy ache, feeling sleepy, and so on And the parents who give real presence and communication are able to differentiate between their babies’ different cries So don't confuse yourself by following many accounts.. We always say that the best teacher for the parents is their baby People always ask us to give them steps to follow, but there really aren't any After your baby is born, the more you communicate with him, the more he will give you the steps you need to know You will know how your baby will move his head and what sound he will make when he is hungry In the first two years, when your baby is still not able to talk, crying is normal. It doesn't mean he is spoiled If you communicate with your baby when he makes a sound, you're not spoiling him. He's trying to convey something and you reply by communicating The message the child understands from this is that, "I'm able to communicate, and they understand me." And so he grows up knowing that he is understood There are adults in our lives that give us a hard time because they feel that no one understands them, "but we're trying to," "no, no one understands me" And we find them everywhere, at work or any other place This didn't come out of nowhere, it resulted from an early age.. He cried and no one listened to him, "just ignore him." The message he got from that was that "I'm not understood" “I need to make a fuss to make them hear me.” “I need to raise my voice to make them understand me” People who immediately raise their voice at meetings. Why are you raising your voice? We'll understand you They're that way because of what they went through Between age three and five is the stage of language acquisition and trying to communicate verbally So until the age of five years the child's communication will be a mixture between crying and verbal And the more we encourage verbal communication, the less the crying becomes Back to what you said that when a baby cries he’s just being fussy and trying to force my hand to do something If I was giving him enough presence and communication, I would know Let's say that the child knows that after dinner he can have a cookie, but he starts fussing to get the cookie first We'll tell him, “no cookie now, after dinner,” but he fusses again and starts to cry and make a big deal I won't break and give him what he wants, but I also won't ignore him I'll spank him Maybe your friend would What should I do then? Communicate.. and interact The important thing is to acknowledge what he wants, so he knows that you understand him. "I know that you want the cookie" The message the child receives is, "I understand you, but that doesn't mean that I will agree with you" Many parents are afraid of this. If they acknowledge what the child wants they’re letting him have his way.. Not true.. Parents must maintain their authority Children who live in environments that have no authority are very distressed inside because they have no expectations or rules.. Today I can sit on my iPad for 10 hours, but tomorrow my dad could take it away, then he forgets again There's uncertainty about house rules. Today I'm allowed chocolate before dinner, but tomorrow mom gets angry and hides it I mean. come on people, what are your rules exactly? I must maintain my rules and not feel guilty about it.. He can have the cookie after the healthy food But I'd acknowledge his feelings.. "I know you are angry and want this.. or upset." Name the emotions for him And that's it. I don't need to fix the emotion.. Let the emotion take its time This is one of the mistakes people make. I don't want my child to cry or feel angry or sad.. Why? He's a human not a plastic container Let them express their emotions. We grow through our emotions In this situation I need to endure his crying. Let him cry. He'll fuss a bit then eat obediently. And I should be true to my word and give him his cookie or whatever it was, "see?" So who panics and feels uneasy when their child cries? Those who have problems they didn't resolve The child's crying is making me feel inadequate, "I'm not a good mother." Where did that voice come from? It means I have some unfolded issues, issues I did not resolve In this case should the rules be consistent between the two parents? Preferably But, again, we can't be perfect. For example, with mom bedtime is at eight, but with dad it's between eight and nine. We don't need to make a huge deal here Flexibility is also important OK, there's an important point.. And you can go back to the age after birth When both parents have jobs and work, and their available solution is to have a maid How does having a maid affect children's upbringing and maturation? If we start at the early age, after birth. The adults around the child are called caregivers Caregivers are not necessarily limited to the parents. Other people can be caregivers The caregiver should be someone close to the child Close in distance or relationship? Both distance and relationship.. The person needs to be close, present, able to communicate with the child and give care and presence These are the three pillars that the child needs If I get a maid, I can't make her cook and clean and sweep, and then also give her the child? She won't be able to provide those pillars If we are going to rely on other people, those people need to be able to provide good communication I have to give her the time she needs to care for the child, not treat her like a robot, clean and work and watch the baby This is very important.. But having an adult care for the child in my absence is not wrong But don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it's OK to leave children with servants.. Personally, I prefer that children are not left with servants And I personally have not done that. They were either with a grandmother or alternating.. But not all parents have this luxury If there is someone who can care for the child who can be consistent, good, but it does affect the child a great deal For example, do you know Barney the dinosaur? No, maybe if I see his picture I'll know him Barney has been around for many years For all those years he has not changed, even though the person in the suit has. Why do you think they kept his appearance and voice the same? Because children connect with him fast and love him, because of the consistent voice, appearance, and color So consistency and presence are important in caregivers What is the downside of having a made care for the child? Assuming she has the time to care for him Again, there's no one scenario in reality. You could get a maid with a big heart who gives the child presence and time and understands the baby and has conversations with the mother; so they are able to understand the child and communicate But you could also get a maid who only works to make money; so no connection or communication and she may be short fused with the child. This is what would affect the child She'll treat him like an object you handed her to change its diaper and not care otherwise Can the baby know that this is his mother and that is not? Yes What if someone else cares for the child and provides more attention than the mother? A child connects with the person who gives him more communication and care, and this, unfortunately, happens Where the mother is completely absent and comes home tired and does not want to spend time with the child In the end, he's presented to her all made up and ready, fed and bathed, so she can spend mere minutes with him, because she needs to sleep And the baby spends all of his time with the maid.. His emotional connection could be with the maid or grandmother, whoever the caregiver is He will connect with the person who gives him care At the beginning, they're not like adults who know who their mother is. For a child, whoever gives him care is the person he will connect with What are the solutions? To give the child your time, which is the ideal solution But if that isn't possible, it can be a maid or grandmother Are there other solutions? Are nurseries or day-care centers a good choice for babies only months old? It depends on their specifications For every three babies at this age there should be one caregiver. This ratio is used in Sweden and countries that have high standards for child caregiving One caregiver can't have more than three babies below two-years old Unfortunately, this isn't always available, and what is available is ridicules. You might find 20 children with only two caregivers In this situation, the baby feels that he's in this place only to be fed and have diaper changes, and he just hears noises around him Honestly, it isn't the best choice, and I know that saying this is going to hurt many parents Another thing is that the teachers can change. If I'm a baby, I'd have these two teachers then two new ones come after shift change, then one teacher is absent and another quits We can't guarantee that the caregivers will be the same Also, when a mother is absent for a long period, the baby doesn't understand that she went to work and came back He thinks she's gone, died. It's black and white for babies, either she's here or she isn’t. This makes them feel frightened What's the solution? This is why we say that in the first two years it is preferable that the baby is in the home and has a consistent caregiver or the grandmother Or, for example, three working ladies agree on hiring one maid together.. These are ideas, but I don't know why people don't use them The home is always a better environment, cleaner, calmer, safer.. This is one idea We hire one lady to care for three children. Plus, the parents and the babies wouldn't have to deal with transportation Does breastfeeding versus bottle feeding affect the baby's interaction with the mother? It does. Breastfeeding is miraculous.. The baby's stomach in the first six months is not ready to receive foreign compounds Breastmilk is amazing, if we only look at its makeup. At the start of feeding it has more water content Then, as the baby suckles, the sugar content increases, and that stimulates the baby's appetite Then the amount of fat in the milk increases to help the baby feel full When the baby begins to feel full, secretions from his mouth inform the mother's breast, leading it to secrete more water You will never get this order from a baby bottle.. It's just water and cow's milk in the end So first it gives us this order. Second, it is lighter on the baby's stomach and raises his immunity Many studies have shown that the mother's womb goes back to its normal size with breastfeeding The closeness allows the baby to be in contact and to smell his mother--although bottle feeding does give closeness, but it won't be skin-to-skin, like we mentioned earlier Breastfeeding also prevents postpartum depression by the suckling and let down of milk There are numerous benefits from breastfeeding.. There is a fatty substance in the baby's brain that raises his intelligence, made from mother's milk So its benefits are countless But let's be realistic. Not all mothers can breastfeed. Some may have an illness preventing it. Others feel that they don't have enough milk for the baby And this makes them feel guilty. So we always say that the rule is, do the best you can Try to relax more. Free more time. Eat more healthy foods that help milk production.. If after all of that you weren't successful with breastfeeding, you did your best Let's now move to the period after two years We are faced with the challenge of how to build the child's personality Many parents find this important but also find it challenging So what is the ideal way to build a child's personality. Which part of it is genetic and which part is learned behavior? First, the child isn't a ready-made product.. Many parents complain, "He's supposed to listen to me.. He's supposed to do this and that" These "should"s are very popular in our community when raising children But in reality our children are a group of components that, as they grow, begin to assemble through life experiences I get these questions a lot, and they always surprise me: "How can I get him to listen?" "How can I get him to stop being stubborn?" "How can I control him?" The truth is that you can't do any of those Children develop their personalities through life and the experiences they have Sixty percent of our personality traits are inherited: we are born with them And the social and emotional environments can either reinforce or reduce them A baby can be born short fused-- he got it from his father or uncle Then the social and emotional environments, my communication with him, the model I provide can tame this inherited trait or even turn it off And there's always room to acquire traits.. Again, I can't give you a number of instructions, 1,2,3 All that is required of you at this age is to be as educated as possible.. Try to always learn, from your kids, from your experiences Provide a safe emotional environment, meaning always provide love, provide care, and communication And whatever behaviors you get remember that your responsibility is to care for, not control, the child For example, if a child in this age is brought to me and his parents complain that he is stubborn At age three, the child has to be stubborn, because at this age the child is transitioning from the egocentric stage--for the first two years a child is self-centered They could easily take something from the store and walk out, not realizing that we need to pay. This is normal AT age three the child begins to separate from that centralization and to take in the outside world, money, "give me money," and so on The sign of that separation is what we call "stubbornness." In reality what he's doing is testing what would happen if he says "no" I want to wear a yellow and a green shirt, even if they don't match, just because I want to. When mom asks me if I want to eat, I'll say "no" just to see what happens He's testing things.. A lot begins to mature in their personality at this age If I don't know this information as a parent, I will treat him as a peer, "He won't listen.. He's defying me.. He's being stubborn" But that's not really what's happening. He's trying to show his personality We have a very convenient method, called the open hands In many cultures, guests are welcomed by extending open hands First of all, always welcome your child, in every way. When he wakes up in the morning, welcome him Don't feel bad that he woke up, "I wish he stayed asleep" Without knowing it, we sometimes say things like this, and they feel it Welcome them, “hello, good morning.” And always tell them what they mean to you in your life.. “I love to hear your voice.. Your stories make me happy” "What happened today in school?" Tell him about your day.. "What do you think I should wear today?" This communication and interaction makes the child feel that he is a joy in this family.. And, again, this doesn't require education or money. And don't say you're busy. You can't be too busy to say "good morning" Also, this begins to fixate the first building blocks for self-confidence in the child Another form of the open hands method is by giving the child space to learn from life We always tell parents, give your children space to have experiences. For example, if at a family gathering a child took a toy from yours Don't jump in immediately and take it back for him. Let him experience this. Let him get upset. It's OK. let's see what he will do Will he hit him or get angry? Allow him to test himself. But if it gets serious, use your hands to limit what happens. This is important Another thing is that when they experience emotional reactions, don't fix them, but stay close to your child This is a big problem for parents. "My son is angry; how can I make him happy?" "My son is scared, how can I.." You can't change his emotions with the press of a button Start by mirroring his emotion. If he's afraid, let him feel safe while he's afraid If the child does not have this every time they feal afraid they will panic.. It's OK to feel angry, it's OK to feal afraid or worried These emotions are not dangerous, otherwise Allah would not have made them a part of us But knowing how to feel this emotion without panicking, how to understand the emotion, where you feel it on your body, how to express it Step three, is how to deal with this emotion. If he's afraid, "Do you want a hug? Do you want to leave this place?" If he's angry at his friend, "Do you want us to talk to him? Do you want a break from him? Do you want to leave your toy at home next time so your cousin doesn't take it?" We begin to help the child think.. But the first step is to acknowledge that, "what you feel is real and healthy" Anger is not wrong. Fear is not wrong.. They become wrong when they drive us and they drive us when we don't give them the attention they need.. They will worsen and then drive us.. We should be the ones who drive our emotions How should we deal with stubbornness? I tell him to do this, and he does otherwise, and so on Again, give them enough space to be stubborn. If he insists on doing something that is not dangerous or risky, let him do it Allow him to experience making a decision and watching it play out in real life The second thing is that the more organized the environment the more you can organize their stubbornness. If he's not allowed to watch more than half an hour, he'll try to rebel, but he knows that half an hour is the limit And we can give them choices. “Would you like your half hour before lunch or after?” This way I gave him space to choose By allowing the child to choose, we've fulfilled a part of his personality and nurtured it Consequences need to be clear, but we tell parents not to have too many consequences. Red lines that the child is punished for shouldn't be a long list Things that I consider a red line must have a punishment, like physical harm or swearing or name calling, but simple punishments What if he gets angry, "I hate these house rules.." It's OK, let him object Allow him to practice objecting. There's no problem with that. On the contrary, it tells you that he feels safe psychologically and socially to be himself and express his feelings I won't lose my love for him if he objects to my rules.. But things will go my way in the end OK, what shakes a child's personality? The first thing is not communicating, when a child feels that his feelings aren't important We sometimes, with good intensions, give them that impression. For example if he cries, "Don't cry, you're a man." "Eib" [its shameful] He will feel that, "My tears are wrong.. My sadness is wrong.. My anger is wrong." But they're not. You're a human and you can get angry This is the first thing that shakes his personality, that part of him is wrong and he needs to get rid of it. But you can't get rid of it. You are human If he begins to feel that something about him is not acceptable, this shakes his personality Also, not having space for communication and conversation The more there is space to communicate and talk and the child is able to speak and express himself and participate, the more he feels important.. “I have a place” I read a great study two days ago. It was for schools, but it seems even more important to be applied at home They found that children who are welcomed individually, meaning that the teacher says, "Good morning, Naif.. Welcome, Ahmad," those children will have 20 percent more academic engagement than children who are not welcomed The child becomes more engaged academically, meaning he will pay attention to his teacher, communicate, do his homework, make an effort So when I welcome and give attention to my children individually, this makes them more present at home They feel that this space is shared between us, and this builds personality We always say that our children are born with traits, and we can't always change them, but how can we embrace them? Some parents, for example, hate some of their child's traits, but they may be endogenous to them For example, let's say he gives too many details when he talks, thinks too much, "where are we going to go, and what are we going to do.." and this bothers them That's just who he is. So don't get upset by a trait that he was born with And in order to not shake his personality, we tell him that we "know this is your nature and we accept it," We embrace it Why do some children have stronger personalities than others? Many factors, and some are like that from birth Some children are born with conspicuously strong personalities. They are born very social or very shy.. And neither one is wrong Second, for some, the emotional and social environment nurtured this strength in their personalities And this isn't only at home—this is an important point--Today I'm not the only one raising my children, the media, school, and friends are also contributing There are many social environments around the child. And the more he grows, the more they expand So don't think that you can control this structure. There are other factors that control us And we always say, I'm responsible for what I put out but no responsible for the result If you look at the parenting examples in the Qur'an, in the majority, the result was out of their control Prophet Noah's son did not accept his father’s faith or board the ship with him If we had a parent support group and prophet Noah was there, he would have an example of a son who did not listen to his father He did not follow his father’s value system I see many parents in the clinic with amazing value systems who are tested with a son addicted to drugs, for example, or who fell into a group of bad friends and began to show unacceptable behavior In the end, let's remember that we are human. I will do my best, but the result will not be 100 percent what I expect This is what leads to the variation. There are so many things around the child that can affect him How does giving a child responsibilities beyond his age affect him, in hopes of teaching him to be self-reliant and stronger Again, this goes back to the culture. I remember when I was in the United States, we were a group of PhD students from four different nationalities One was from an African country, I was the Arab, one was European, and one was American It was funny to know at what age we held a knife for the first time. The person from Africa held a knife from age two years, when he used to hunt lions I held a knife when I was 10, and the American student didn't hold a knife until adolescence So responsibility is different based on the social and cultural environment, and we have to value this Even if you look here, the Saudi or Arab world, responsibility is different according to geographic area But if the responsibility, according to my cultural and social norm, is beyond the child’s age, then it might confuse him If you give a child responsibilities greater than his capabilities, it could make him feel confused, stressed, or feel like something is wrong with him "Something is wrong with me.. Why can't I do this?" He will start to feel like something is wrong or "I'm not good enough.. I'm not responsible." But in reality, he was given a responsibility beyond his capabilities. So weighing things is important What is the effect of the environment or the parents, their relationship with each other and behavior on the child? How do we control it? You mean their relationship as husband and wife? Yes, I mean when they get angry or emotional It has a considerable effect Many people would say, "As a wife I am miserable, but raising my children is a separate thing" But in reality, and many parents don't realize this, the younger the child, the more transparent to the parents' emotions and able to understand them If you look back at the experiment, just by seeing that his mother's face was still, the baby felt that something was wrong with her and that he needs to do something to help her So in short, my mental well-being as a parent directly affects not only the child's personality but also his academic performance, friendships, social life.. a direct effect Our marital relationship, whether we are compatible or not, affects them directly When a child always sees conflict between mom and dad, yelling, anger, what does he feel? In the first five years, a child perceives that it's his fault I worked with victims of war for many years. The children believed that the war was their fault.. Can you imagine that? That's because he feels that something is wrong, and he is in the self-centered stage, so he feels that it's his fault Imagine how stressful this is, "mom and dad are fighting because of me.. Mom is maybe angry because of me." This is a huge burden for a child to bear When the child grows and starts to see their arguments, his mental security is affected, especially if the arguments lean toward violence "Mom could be beaten today or insulted" One of the painful studies showed that the child is affected much more when he sees violence being inflicted on the mother more than if it was on him Meaning that if his father beat him, it leaves a psychological mark, but if he sees his father beat his mother the mark would be greater because he feels like a failure, and because a person who is supposed to be a source of security for him has no security, physical, emotional, dignity-wise So it's truly damaging, violence between parents, whether it is physical, verbal, or even emotional When a child comes home and sees that mom doesn't look at dad, and dad doesn't look at mom.. They don't speak for days He can see the absence of emotions between them, that each is in a different world of their own.. This stresses the child and makes him feel that there is no security.. They are not happy One of the studies I carried out recently, results of which surprised me personally We have a well-known measure called the Adverse Childhood Experiences.. There are ten experiences that, when experienced, have a tremendous effect on children’s physical and mental health I used it with people who are addicted to pornography Many people think that pornography addiction is a matter of excess sexual desire being met through pornography, but that's not true at all.. It has nothing to do with that It is a matter of very old wounds or psychological emotions or pains the person wants to num through any pleasure he can become addicted to It can be through games, pornography, cocaine, alcohol, whatever addiction works The adverse experiences are: sexual abuse, verbal, social, or physical abuse Separation from parents, for example, the father is incarcerated or the mother is divorced and disappeared, or any other way or low psychological well-being of the parents during childhood Do you know which is the most common experience of these in people addicted to pornography? The parents' low psychological well-being How do you define that? If the father is psychologically worn-out, or the mother is psychologically worn-out and exhausted when the child is very young Imagine how long term the effect is. We see, later on, that the person became addicted But throughout those years: mom is psychologically worn-out. This affects my mental well-being She couldn't take care of her mental well-being; so through that model I also don't know how to take care of my mental well-being I was expecting to find that sexual abuse would be the main experience, but it wasn't even one of the top experiences people addicted to pornography had The most common one was the parents' mental well-being.. So don't think that this is "between me and their mother, and the kids have nothing to do with it." Wrong.. It definitely involves them How should parent's deal with this? I mean, quarrels are a part of life.. Problems happen in life. So how can they deal with them when they have a child? First of all, communicating, communicating, communicating.. The space for communication should always be available The most difficult thing is when a couple doesn't have a space to communicate, each going through life quickly with no communication between them And I mean all forms of communication, physical, verbal, social, emotional Without communication, problems won't have a space so that we can reflect on them Without that space, where do problems go? They affect our mental and physical well-being Many people have chronic problems, headaches, backache, bone pain, but there's nothing wrong with them physically. However, their mental well-being is worn-out, and it is wearing out their bodies There's a great book by Dr. Gabir Mate titled When the Body Says No. Your body tells you, "that's enough" If a couple loses their space for communication, their problems begin to affect their mental well-being And, again, quarrels between spouses are normal. Problems are normal. The pain they cause each other is also normal I could make him feel disappointed, and he could let me down. This is all normal. What’s not normal is for life to be free of any problems What's not normal is not having a space to manage these disagreements or talk about them If there is a space, then they won't affect the child? No Let's take an example. If the child sees that mom and dad are having an argument But the tone in their voices is controlled. They choose their phrases, maintain dignity for each other, maintain love and respect They will argue, but while maintaining dignity for each other, giving enough space for each other to speak I see dad listening intently to mom, then having a healthy dialogue with her. This is the best model you can give your child One of the models we fear is when mom and dad are always happy in front of their children In reality, you can't be happy all the time. Life has ups and downs If I only show this perfect model, when the child grows up and gets married and has an argument with his wife making him feel sad, he will think that something must be wrong Mom and dad were always happy, and that's how we should be. That's the right picture But the truth is that mom and dad only gave him one model of life That's why we tell parents, be human in front of your child. It's OK to argue, but argue while maintaining respect for yourself and the other person This will actually teach them how to deal with conflict You mentioned how life has become fast paced. And today one of the things that really affects people's lives is technology There is a very common practice I want to ask about When a child cries, I'll give him my mobile to keep him quiet. He will remain quiet for hours so that I can relax When can I give a child a mobile or iPad, and when should I not? So he'll leave me alone According to recommendations of the American Pediatric Society, and many others, children younger than two years should never be exposed to screens Like we said, 80 to 90 percent of their brain is still growing, so they need real life experiences to do so Screens won't give them those experiences.. The child needs someone laughing with him so he can laugh, a personal experience He could see someone laughing and moving on TV, but there won't be any direct interaction Another thing is that a baby needs to see things in 3D, and a screen can't give him that; so his visual areas will be affected The radiation emitted from screens is not healthy for their brain growth. So, children should never be exposed to them Unfortunately, we as parents think that electronics are the easiest and quickest way to calm a child But why do we even want them to be quiet? Let them fuss. Again, this comes down to how patient we are Many people think that when a baby coos and makes sounds it means something is wrong. Nothing is wrong, he is just upset. Let him be upset There's no problem with that. It gives him the ability to experience that emotion Each time he's upset we push a button to distract him and keep him quiet, “here watch this.” If he cries, we put him in front of a screen We are diminishing his emotions and diminishing his experience of them. This, again, comes back to the culture of the society A few months ago I was in Japan, and something really surprised me There was a child at every table, and none of them had a device to play with. They were quiet and not making noise either I kept looking and thought to myself, "this family is unusual." Then realized that they were all that way. In fact, we were the ones that were unusual In their culture, children are not exposed to these devices In their culture, children interact with everyone. And I saw this repeatedly, where the adults spoke, and the children also took their turn to speak There were several children, no more than three-years old, who sat quietly playing with a fork the entire time What have we done to our children? We don’t allow them space to play with a fork. "No, no, take this device." The first thing I do when I go to a restaurant is give the child a device. We created this dynamic for calming or soothing them Whereas in some cultures, to this day, like Japan, devices are not an option for children. A spoon or a fork gives the child space to play or be distracted I always say, the children are not the problem, we are. They are born, and we are the ones who make decisions.. It's all about parenting culture You said that it's dangerous to give a child any device in the first two years. After that can I give them? Children should not use hand-held devices up to 10 years old. They can be exposed to a large screen and for a limited amount of time Also, choose something that will be done in 20 minutes maximum, because there is more than one process going on while a child watches a screen Focusing, attention, analyzing, predicting (for example, what's going to happen after this?) Remember when we used to watch Tom and Jerry? I don't know if you watched dinosaurs like me or not, but we knew that if Jerry came out, Tom would get him These are all mental processes, analysis, prediction, and others. But what happens when I give a young child a device? The device doesn’t give those processes a chance to happen, because the child will continue to scroll.. In fact they call this now scrolling syndrome They simply scroll with their finger, and they don't have an attention span anymore Our ability to continue to focus on something is gradually diminishing, because we have the choice to change quickly Imagine what happens when this child can't stand to focus or wait. Many of those mental processes that he could benefit from by watching a 20-minute program on a large screen are lost These hand-held devices can distract them and diminish their ability to focus They also give them the impression that “I can change anything with a press of a button,” which we are now paying for "Buy me this now, now , now." They don't realize that we first have to get in a car and go, and so on, or, "order it now on your phone" When they believe that everything happens with a press of a button, they will be prone to greater disappointment, because life doesn't happen with a press of a button And as they grow older, they are going to find out that relationships don't happen by pressing a button.. Success isn't a press of a button, studying, etc.. Because they were used to changing things with their finger You believe, then, that TikTok is dangerous? Definitely, definitely, definitely Another thing, studies show that one in every three children below seven years old is exposed to pornographic content, and this happened to me personally My daughter was four-years old and wanted to download a drawing app on my iPad She was four and the app was for age three and up. So, it was safe I usually let her download and play, but this time, thank God, I took the iPad and looked at it As the game was downloading a fully pornographic scene came up, not a cartoon, and there was no button for me to close it.. I was being forced to watch it I was mortified. If I had only given my daughter the iPad for seconds, she would have been sexually abused right there next to me Since then I have developed a fear of this. No more game downloading, because you can't guarantee anything What would watching such a scene do to a child? It would confuse them. "What am I watching? What's going on?" “Why,” for example, “are they naked?” And they could explain what is going on using their imagination. This is considered a violation, harm It could also spark their interest and make them search. Many of the people addicted to pornography who I've seen said that it began with curiosity They saw something and wanted to know more about it Imagine that every day 291 pornographic websites are created, every day. The virtual world is packed with them, and it’s not a safe place I believe one-third of internet content is pornographic It's a completely unsafe world.. Why risk and let our children go on it? You made it clear that the problem with TikTok is that children continue to scroll, everything happens with a press of a button, and their focus becomes weak What about giving them YouTube or Netflix? Netflix is different. First, it gives them episodes And children's programs, the ones that are good, are 20-minutes long, which is the length of their attention span Twenty minutes is enough, and we should close it after that Why not let them watch another episode? Because you are depriving them of other opportunities to learn.. The first thing I tell parents is, let them get bored "But they're bored. What should we do with them?" Don't give them anything But I give him the mobile so that he won't cry. I can't stand crying You say to let them cry, but I don't want to But why does that bother you? He's crying I mean, if the mobile does the trick, isn't that good? In the long term, you are exposing him to an unsafe world And two, many studies have shown that innovation is related to having free time, and subsequently, being bored They took two groups of 20 people, gave them plastic cups, and told them to make innovative shapes. They kept the mobiles with one group and took the mobiles away from the other The first group made a shape in four minutes then spent the remaining time on their phones. The other group spent the two hours coming up with amazing shapes, because they had no other option I've seen this in my own experience with my children. In summer vacation, they are only allowed 20 minutes to watch TV They don't have mobiles or iPads, and you don't give them yours? No, to all, and they don't know the password Let me tell you what happens. It's not perfect. They'll complain and get angry--I hope they don't watch this They get upset and ask me what they should do.. But I remind myself that tomorrow they are going to thank me, because they need this space What happens is that after all the complaining, they go and do every beautiful thing you can imagine They cook or draw or go through their closets and take out things to give to charity.. They occupy themselves This is an important message. I'm not responsible for occupying my child's time 100 percent If you're bored, do something about it. I don't come and tell you when I'm bored, I find something to do This teaches them self-discipline and self-organization if we don't give them this space, they will never get to know themselves or their hobbies or what they like.. We've taken a lot from our children because of these devices So until 10 years old, they shouldn't use them? Yes There have been many studies on Snapchat, for example. They found that adolescents take from 42 to 65 selfies a day And their satisfaction with how they look goes down the more selfies they take Because they would focus on them. Also, filters allow them to change how they look. If I don't like my eyebrows or my mouth, I can change them We gave them a fake possibility.. And after all of those filters and likes triggering the reward system in their brain They see their face in the mirror, which is different from what it looked like with filters, their body image and self-image go down Self-confidence as well.. Studies show that the longer they spend on these apps, the worse their self-esteem becomes Their feeling of being liked begins to stem from likes and comments. And that's not what is truly rewarding for us humans What about PlayStation? When can we let our children start playing? I think it is very different from watching clips, because it makes children think and interact. I feel it stimulates their brain True. They found that one of the characteristics of skilled surgeons is that they used to play games, because it gives them fast reflexes Especially surgeons who perform remote surgery.. So they are not completely evil But we always say to start after age seven, because that’s when the fine muscles in their hands develop That's why you see them hold things in their whole hand and write large. They need to color, draw, kneed to develop the muscles You'll also notice that children in the first six years stutter, because their mental processes aren't equal in speed, they think fast and speak slower So they stutter.. So preferably not in the first seven years After that, the time spent playing is important, half an hour or an hour with breaks We as adults need to follow the 20-20-20 rule: every 20 minutes, close your eyes for 20 second and look at a distance 20 meters away to protect our vision As long as our children have these technologies, teach them to use them wisely. They need to close their eyes now and then and not watch for a long time There are things that were available in the past that don't happen now Like going out of the house.. Today children are born and only leave the house to go to school They reach age 18 and have only been to certain places. They are completely cut off from the neighborhood This was normal in the past. But you would be leaving them with the neighborhood kids, not knowing the risks. He could be kidnaped for example Parents now protect their kids by keeping them at home or letting go only to certain places, knowing exactly where they are Is letting them go out important? Each time has its advantages and disadvantages In the past they had stronger social skills. They knew how to negotiate. They'd go out and find a way to get a ball, or fight with older kids, etc. They had strong skills There are many studies on social skills. In a good book, Unequal Childhoods, about a seven-year study The author studied poor families, whose fathers are busy at work, and the kids spend their time out in the neighborhood And families of children who come home from school then go to tennis practice, etc., very organized They found that when the first group grew up they had better social and negotiation skills and self-affirmation, and they didn't panic when they had free time The others were more organized because they had a schedule. So there are benefits on both sides One of the benefits we lost today is that our children's experiences are more limited, only to the family or grandparents' homes or school They no longer have that social environment However, the other model wasn't perfect either from the stories I hear in the clinic A 40- or 50-year-old would tell me that he or she was sexually abused or harmed in the neighborhood, because everything was so open then, and there wasn't much oversight Today we can balance this by trying as much as possible to provide our children with healthy spaces and environments--which is a burden our parents didn't have If the child has only the home and school, try if possible to help him join a sport club or gym during the week or on weekends, horseback riding or tennis or other sport Try to provide them with groups outside of the family and school environment This, of course, adds to our burden. In the past our fathers and grandfathers would take a nap and the kids did what they wanted for free and with no transportation required But, again, time changes, and every era has its own requirements and challenges. We need to keep up with the times as much as we can I feel like I am safer now than in the past.. But, in spite of that, children are never able to go out of the house That's true. I agree. I don't want to say "unfortunately," but it's true that that social space is no longer available as it was in the past Because when you, yourself, take your child to horseback riding or other place, in the end you’ll know where he is How can we overcome this challenge? Do I let him make friends or introduce him to new friends? What can I do to add this extra dimension to his life? Begin by giving children the fundamentals they need when choosing friends. When you build a secure emotional relationship with them at a young age you establish self-security, and that reflects on their security in choosing friends. The child will have a safe compass He will know which relationship is safe and which is harmful, because he experienced a secure emotional and social environment and knows what is harmful or not So when I communicate with him and have a conversation, and when mom and dad argue but in a healthy way and he sees how we argue and negotiate and compromise These are all foundations that the child carries with him as he goes out into the world We always say that we don't need to work too much on their friendships. We need to work on what comes before those friendships When they go to school, we shouldn't completely control who they choose as friends. Let them try to make friends on their own When should we intervene? When we feel that there is actual danger from that friendship Like what? Like if I find out that the friend is addicted to drugs or smokes at a very young age, and I know that my son may try to fit in by going along with it This is when you can intervene Again, we go back to the open hands. With my hands like this, I am allowing him this space, but if he goes near the risky limit, I will stop him Also, some parents could sometimes be overprotective Sometimes friends could put your child through an unpleasant or painful experience, and not necessarily bullying We shouldn't protect him or intervene. Let him try that pain, like if a friend talked about him behind his back Don't go on the mothers' group and make a big deal, "Who talked about my son?" or go to school and yell Give your children space to grow socially, to test themselves. Let them feel pain, but be close to them when they need you My son does not need me to change his emotions. He needs me to be near him when he is in pain, but not to fix it My presence will help him heal from that pain.. If I am near him, "I know it hurts, it's upsetting. You have a right to be upset" Let him talk and vent. Let him know that no matter what he says he has a safe space at home. And let them experience this He may choose to back down and not face his friend, then find out that that made things worse He will learn that next time he will face the problem He may choose to go and talk to a teacher, who would let him down, and learn that not everyone around him will help him. Some will let him down There are many lessons to learn. We overprotect our children a lot today And that's bad for them? Of course, definitely, because you are limiting their experiences They have a laboratory they can learn many skills from. I'm not helping them by limiting their experiences and always interfering I'm not going to be around for them forever, and I can't be there 24 hours a day In an episode with Dr. Abdallah Assubaie, he said if children don't learn social skills at a young age, they never will True He said that many people today don't have great social skills because their environments were limited when they were children So is bringing your child to adult gatherings--like taking a boy with me to men’s gatherings or taking a girl to women's gatherings--good or bad for them? Or should they only be in a group of their age? There's no one specific answer. It depends on the child's social preparedness, etc. But, in general, we are supposed to expose our children to social settings if a father wants to take his son with him to a men's gathering, it's actually good, because it would encourage him Let him see adult models, see his father in a social setting. Let the daughter see her mother in a social setting Communication with different generations nurtures us. Many studies have been done on this Children who communicate a great deal with their grandparents have high social intelligence and social skills and experience from their exposure to these environments We definitely want children from a young age to be present in these environments Today, content on the internet affects us all, young and old, but it leaves a greater impact on children One, is the language factor. Most of the content is not in Arabic Two, which is more relevant to us today, is the cultural and moral content Our children are exposed to Netflix or Western or other values A friend's daughter was talking to him about Halloween She was telling him about it and what they do on Halloween.. he was surprised at how much she knew about it So he asked her if she knew about Eid Al-fitr [a main Islamic holiday] and she did not She knew what Eid was but not the details of it.. How can we deal with this today? Exactly, it's a small world today, and the cultural and information explosion is even bigger and faster for our children It even created a gap between parents and their children And this gap is a problem, because the child might think, “if my father doesn't know a lot of what I know, then I know more than him” And parents would feel that their kids know more than they do, making them panic and lose control This creates conflict between them So from the beginning, they shouldn't be exposed to too much content in the first 10 years Allow a certain amount of time, limit the number of hours, limit the websites they can access, block apps that pop up different content like TikTok, Snapchat, or Instagram This will all protect them for the future. Is it easy? Not at all. I am not talking from an ivory tower I am a mother, and I know that when I tell them "no," I am probably the only one among all other mothers, making them feel pressure, "why us?" We need to be consistent and calm and look further ahead I need to be patient and contain their dissatisfaction, realize that this is the emotion of a child Don't allow yourself to get caught up in it, "That's enough! Be quiet." Give them space to contain their dissatisfaction, and stay strong We need to start from the beginning by setting limits as much as possible Again, there are things that don't come naturally that we have to do with our children Because this will give me space to give and take with my children When I was living in the United States, on the day of Ashura while we were fasting There was a 10-year-old Saudi child who asked my daughter why we were fasting. She told him that this is the day that Allah saved prophet Moses He asked her, "Is he a god?" She said, "no, he is a prophet." He asked, "is he our prophet?" My daughter was astonished that he didn't know this He wasn't American, he was Saudi? He was a Saudi living in the United States We need to ask ourselves, who is going to relay this great heritage we have about the prophets and the glorious names of Allah? Schools don't play this role anymore. It used to be our parents and grandparents, the imam of the mosque Today it falls on our shoulders. We need to make time for it. We must hand down this heritage And from a young age. Children need to know the extent of their religion.. There were many nations before us Amazing stories that entertain children and at the same time tell them who they are on this planet, where they came from From what age? As soon as the child begins to talk. This can vary depending on readiness With one of my daughters I started at age three and with the other at age four. As a parent you can estimate when they are ready, but it is important that we hand down this heritage Letting my children know about Halloween or Eid Al-Fitr is my responsibility. I shouldn't wait for the media to tell them. I have to relay this information And not just talk about it, we need to experience it with them You mentioned a point earlier and I want to know how you would deal with it When your children who are not given devices to play with go to their uncles' houses and find that all their children have devices, "why not us?" Evaluate and advise. They might tell me, "we're going there, and we will play a game together" You can say, "You have one hour to play on the weekend. How much of that hour do you want to spend here at home and how much do you want with your friends?" This way you teach them prioritization, decision-making, and problem solving. Leave it up to them They have an hour then the application will turn off automatically Do things go according to plan all the time? No, there are ups and downs There are days when they go over and play for two hours Another thing, Abdurrahman, don't just tell them you're only allowed to watch half an hour or an hour, explain why to the child so that he becomes your ally on this decision For example, my daughters know the danger these devices pose to their brains. I show them brains and explain neurotransmission, what happens to the brain when you continue to play for three hours versus only 15 minutes How dopamine works in the brain.. Explain these in a simple way so they understand that it is in their interest to stop I might not like this decision, but I understand why OK, what about language? Today a lot of information is received in English Many schools, especially preschools are in English Arabic is so rare that some schools boast teaching in Arabic as one of their top qualities What is the effect of language on children? It is very important. And language is not just language, by the way I remember when I was in the United States, I was asked to write about psycholinguistics, and I was very angry at my professor for choosing the topic It is a very complicated subject, but what I learned from it surprise and amazed me There is an experiment I came across during this research. They got a Japanese person and an American person, put a vase in front of them and broke it The person who broke the vase was named John. They asked both persons to say what happened and they each phrased it differently The Japanese person said, "John broke the vase." And the American said, "The vase broke." This difference in language composition and description depends on one's cultural and social makeup The American comes from an individualistic society. Events and capitalism all go into the composition of language The Japanese person put the verb at the end of the sentence, because in their culture they believe one should sit and listen and that the person is important first and then the action When we use language it's not just about relaying a message, it also carries with it culture and values If our children lose their language, they lose a lot more because it reflects social values among many other things Many parents would say, "All I care about is that he is able to communicate and I can understand him, whether it is in English, Chinese, Arabic, whatever” not realizing that our language reflects our culture A great deal of our Arab and Islamic heritage is found in our language, and no matter how carefully we translate it into English, its richness can never make it across This is a challenge, and it's a huge challenge Because trying to give them a good education now depends directly on the English language We always say that it should be a priority. Your language reflects your culture It reflects your identity. Part of our identity depends on our language We talked about language and values Parents are faced with many challenges, like holidays, for example, but those are easy to explain Another challenge that we find in all content, for children and adults alike, which is homosexuality How do we deal with the concept of homosexuality and explain it to children The first thing we need as parents is to have extensive knowledge of this subject It's no longer enough to say to a child, "this is haram (forbidden) and we don't do it.. Anyone who does this is punished" It was enough for previous generations because they did not have this constant exposure to the issue in the media Now with the openness we see, issues are getting mixed up, "he was born this way.. It's his choice.. What's wrong with it?" This is why we need to know who can really be born with such a problem that requires them to go through gender correction or gender affirmation And those are completely different from gender reassignment, and our children should understand this.. What are the issues that require gender correction? And they are very rare? How does it happen? Either because of chromosomes, etc. Our children today are very clever and can understand all of this from age seven or eight especially if they were exposed to it. If they are exposed, I have to answer their questions and not leave them in the hands of the media Regarding people who want to change.. We need to have a holistic and fair view. Simply criminalizing or damning or refusing this group won't resolve anything Because they're going to go on TikTok or Instagram or any other platform and find very different views, not black and white They will find a lot of detailed information. Therefore, I should also give them detailed information There are many psychological reasons why this boy could feel that he doesn't want to be a boy Building his gender identity at an early age may have been neglected, or his father was a very distorted example or absent. His reaction to that was to not want to be like him Maybe his social environment crushes or does not respect his identity, so he is rebelling by doing this He may have been exposed to sexual experiences at an early age by a person of the same gender So he does not want to be like that You mean abuse? Sometime it is abuse, but sometimes it begins as abuse then the child becomes part of the practice I've seen many cases like this. They come and tell me they have gender dysphoria, but after going into detail we find out he doesn't really have gender identity disorder He would say that he can only have sexual relations with the same gender, but when we look at a detailed history we find that the practice began at a young age and with the same gender And that he has weak or distorted knowledge of the healthy relation that happens with the opposite gender With his lack of knowledge the abnormal practice was reenforced, and his practice became distorted We need to have this kind of detailed conversations with our children. I understand how embarrassing it can be But remind yourself that if you don't answer these questions, there are horrifying platforms that will answer them for him I see adolescents in the clinic who talk about gender-reassignment operations at length and in detail They mention a lot of medical information, which are all wrong! Where did they get them from? Many medical websites, which are not really medical, get the information from foreign sites The father would be sitting open mouthed, not understanding anything his son is saying.. You should have a good idea of the operation There will be organ removal, and you won't be fully male or fully female.. Lots of details we need to know We are fed by the media that those people were born that way.. But no one is born gay All of the studies, and there have been many, very recent ones, and systematic reviews, all show that no one is born with this orientation.. It is created from experiences So no one is ever born homosexual? No, not at all.. And there is a lot of talk about it having to do with genes There have been many studies on this, beginning from the seventies, even by groups associated with gay and lesbian associations They tried to prove it, but there is no gene responsible for it They even looked at identical twins who were homosexual. Many studies were carried out in Sweden and Holland. The largest study was in Australia involving 4000 homosexual individuals They found no genes responsible for it There is a great book titled, My Genes Made Me Do it, by two biochemists, who update the studies every two years Read the book from cover to cover. You won't find one study that proves this. Our children deserve to know information like this from us So that when a 30-second clip on TikTok tells them, "I am born like this," they will have the well-established critical mind they need If we say that it is caused by hormones, which cases are like that? Scientific information today has become a need rather than something secondary. We need to discuss it with our children And we need to have the courage, as we discuss with them, to leave enough space for their questions and thoughts Many parents might worry that their child will argue with them Let them argue. Let them know that there is space in this house for dialogue Otherwise they can go to platforms that can brainwash them or give them distorted information But what you're saying is pretty hard For the parents to have such extensive knowledge to be able to respond to all of the information coming from all over the place I can't imagine that everyone is able to have this much knowledge You're right. I won't be able to answer every question, but I can learn in order to answer If, for example, my son asks me a question I don't know the answer to, tell him that. It's OK. Let him see that you are a human who is always able to learn Tell him, "that's a great and important question. I'm going to search for an answer." or "Let's search for an answer together" There are many reliable sources you can turn to Unfortunately, the reliable Arabic content on this subject is very limited But not absent. There are specialists trying to address this issue in a neutral scientific way My role when I get a question is to search for an answer to give to my child We will leave all of the books and studies you mentioned in the description What should I do if I find out my son has homosexual tendencies? We always tell parents to embrace their child.. And that doesn't happen overnight When you first get the news, the first thing is to get in touch with your emotions You will feel sad, angry, distressed.. Feel your feelings Our problem is that we sometimes minimize our feelings, and that can hurt us If I'm angry, instead of trying to understand my anger, I would let it all out on my son or the media or someone else. That's why we say that getting in touch with yourself is very important That was the first step. The second step is to tell your son that, "no matter what your preferences or choices are, you are my son" And this is God's teaching. Prophet Noah, one of the first prophets who spread Allah's message for years, never gave up on his son who did not agree with him, to the very end The only thing that came between them was the ocean waves This tells me that my role is to be consistent with my love and care and embrace Many fathers might threaten with love. "You won't be my son.. I will disown you." "You know what? Go ahead. Disown me." I've seen so many teenage boys and girls who spoke to their parents of their desire but were refused What do you think happened next? There are many websites that tell them to send a photo of their passport And they will receive a ticket and will be adopted by a family there and entered into the school system, all for free.. And they went We lost many kids, unfortunately, because they were not embraced.. And they found someone else to embrace them That's why we say that embracing is important. Try your best to help your child understand his emotion, before you try to fix anything Try to help your son and yourself understand more And trying to understand the roots of it is a very painful process The roots could reveal sexual abuse or emotional abuse or good-intentioned parental neglect or a hatred of his culture or tribe or community It's very painful to hear your son say, "I feel that I don't belong here." So you need to have the mental well-being to be able to bear it, to listen and embrace And don't rush him.. In spite of all that, we always say that the result is out of our hands But can he be fixed? Some can and some cannot When can they be fixed and when can they not? There are too many factors, but I have had cases that were successful Some took years and some took months, and some were corrected but have relapses And there are people who were not corrected. The factors are very numerous, the treatment, the social emotional environment, parental presence, embrace, many things And first and foremost, it is the will of Allah Does the fact that some people were not able to be treated tell us that some are born that way? No one is born with this tendency.. They might say, "I've felt like this since I was little,” but that's the narrative memory The procedural memory, however, which stores emotional and social experiences in the first five years, those are stored in nonverbal form So you feel, but you don't know what happened. And the narrative memory becomes active after six years A six-year-old child comes back from school and can tell you what happened during his day. However a three-year old in day care can't, because he only has a procedural memory So their procedural memory stores that he was a boy that went through experiences that affected how he feels toward himself But he begins to remember from his narrative memory.. It's pretty complicated That's why it is unfair to simply damn the issue or say “that's just how he is” The issue requires deep understanding and empathy and wisdom Thank you very much You're welcome Thank you all.. Thank you to Omar Ashanqiti for preparing this episode.. Abdurrahman Oboud on camera and Abdulaziz Almazzi on sound Mohammad Alhassan in sound engineering.. For editing, Mohammad Nour Shammat.. For color, Abdulmajeed Alattas Managing social media accounts, Noura Assubeie.. Producer, Ayman Alhammadi.. Editing management, Aseel Abdallah This is Fnjan a product of Thmanyah publishing and distributing We publish all our products with love from Riyadh Until next week This is Mr. Ayman You're the one who reached out to me, because there are two Aymans, right? One of you should change his name I decided on a time when I should get married, 20 or 25 years old So I believe this episode will benefit me Alhamdolillah (thank God) You need an episode on how to find a wife. He wants to learn about how to raise children when he isn't even married The second part is harder, the first is easy Raising children is truly difficult and distressing, I don't understand anything about it A lot of people began to think that there is no need, because of how problematic it is People began to believe that they can control things, but in reality you can't People today have a feeling of very high empowerment that they want to either get it right 100 percent or won't have any.. But this isn't your responsibility The final product of my children is not my responsibility. If you understand this as a parent, I think it would make parenting less stressful and we will be able to live the way they did in the past (let Allah's blessing do the rest) I think that if those people who don't want to have children think benefit-wise, you actually need children in the end.. We're going to get older and need someone to carry us Definitely When you think about it, after this episode I've joined the no-children camp I'm just kidding There are also people who are against getting married I overheard two ladies talking at the hairdresser’s yesterday. They were saying that they don't need to get married. "I have my salary. I'm independent. I don't want someone who will control me" But this hits the core needs of a human being Adam was in paradise.. PARADISE.. But he only felt familiarity when he found.. And this is our nature as humans We are distorting this nature by our high feeling of independence.. Same thing with those who don't want to have children.. You need them and they need you They're going to regret it when it's too late But it really is hard.. raising children isn't easy I mean you can talk because you have experience.. But people tell you, "Don't give your child a mobile" But it's hard not to.. When I give it to him, life is different. He's calm, no noise.. peace and quiet As soon as I take the mobile, I will have to give 200 percent effort You can say, "But this is your role, but.." I was really surprised by what I saw in Japan.. I told my children, "I'm going to send you on morality trips to Japan" "Go see how people are there." So calm and quiet. But, again, this is a community culture Another problem is wanting to be like everyone else.. I have no problem sending my children to the family gathering without devices. I see no problem with it And everyone else has? Yes, they all walk in carrying a device When my daughters tell me their 10-year-old friends can use a mobile, I tell them, "Their family rules are different from ours" It's a challenge, yes, but you need patience And remember that Allah is raising them along with us. You do your very best, but the end product is not under your control I believe Midhat Ammer also gives mobiles, but I forgot at what age, but he also said that he looks in their mobiles “Until they are 18 years old they have no privacy.. They are my children” That's right, because you are setting them free in this virtual world, without you.. It's horrifying When do I stop doing that? That's a good question. My daughters ask me when they can have mobiles, and my answer is, "when you are mature enough” “When you show me that you are mature enough. When I feel that you can make good decisions, can control yourselves, have a critical mind that makes me feel safe” “Then you can have one, whether you are 13 or 14, it won't matter” How old is your eldest? She’s 15, and she got her mobile last year And, alhamdolillah, there was no conflict. When we go out and I leave her somewhere, I would leave my mobile with her to be able to call Does she have TikTok? I think she just got it.. Of course, there needs to be supervision I need to see what they are doing, because they may make decisions that are not fully though out I'm not "watching" them, I'm supervising them. "You need my support not surveillance" This way they understand that I trust them but that I need to be with them, because they may not make the best decisions. So I can help And it's still not easy. We always need to evaluate and advise My daughter might make social decisions with her friends that I don't like.. You need to be patient here.. But then later I find out she was right Of course, this makes her ecstatic, "YES, I told you so!" But I feel happy that she experienced this and is content with her decision.. It requires a lot of patience and leaving them under Allah's care We can never be without Allah's care and keeping, because we can't always be there to protect them But when do we finally stop, I mean I can't stop my 25-year-old son from smoking, but I can stop my 15-year old Do we still have a role when our 25-year old starts to smoke? or do we just accept that we no longer have a role? This is an important point.. Our roles change over time. At age two I provide care 100 percent, whereas at age 20 I provide care in the form of advice and presence So the care changes in form At 25 I would remind him that he is damaging his health or send him an application that could help.. So care, but from a distance Because I know that they are going to become independent in their lives, and I need to accept that What if I emotionally blackmail him? Then you will hurt him emotionally.. How would you emotionally blackmail him exactly? I will always be angry when he talks to me, and tell him, "I'm disappointed in you, you imbecile!" Until you stop Wait a minute, by "imbecile" you hurt his pride He's 25, it's no big deal Then I'll say, "I'm disappointed in you.. You are a bad son" He isn't a bad son OK, “I'm disappointed in you” OK, "in YOU" is not right. "I'm disappointed about the smoking" OK, but I won't be satisfied until you stop It's not your choice. In the end it won't make a difference to him But I want him to stop He will smoke behind your back I have relatives who do this. They smoke behind their parents' back and the parents know, but let it slide The important thing is relaying the message, "I love you, but I don't love this thing" Yes, “because I love you, I don't want you to die” OK, then, say it that way.. Why use violence as a first resort? But what is the problem with emotional blackmail? If I tell him that I will be disappointed in him if he does this He'll begin to think that "I'm the smoking.. That's all my dad sees in me” The stop it Blackmail him then. There's nothing I can do Imagine if your daughters smoked They do sometimes test me with these questions. "What if we smoke?" "I'll still love you, but I won't love that thing" I will continue to advise them You will continue to nag? Exactly, but I won't torture them emotionally. You see what I'm saying? Imagine.. I'd go crazy! Imagine that your daughter is 23 and smoking “I love you, but go ahead and finish your cigarette. Would you like an ash tray?” No, I would lay down some rules at that point. “You can't smoke in front of me. It hurts me. I have a right as a mother to be comfortable with you” In the previous generations, they did not smoke in front of their parents. In our community in Makkah, it is considered a grave crime It's completely unacceptable, because it's as if you are disrespecting your father We need to teach this culture as well. “I know you smoke, but don't do it in front of me, because it hurts me” and because of second hand smoke You have a right as a parent to do that What about emotional blackmail for things that are not wrong? Like choosing a university, not liking their clothes If a boy wants to let his hair grow long This is why I say that leaving some space for them to practice independence distresses many parents There are two parts in us acting as parents, the protector and the controller. We feel that these two are what will make everything go as planned But in reality, you can't always be the protector or the controller Let those two roles take a break sometimes to allow the fair and understanding and observing parts of you take their turn The observer role is the most difficult, because you need to control yourself. In our society, it is very difficult. We are used to rolling up our sleeves and controlling everything These are things we need to train ourselves to do When I'm being the observer, I really want to get up and act, but I tell myself to let them have their space, and I introduce a little bit of control Again, we need to communicate with ourselves What's the deal with issues. Everyone these days has “issues,” and I've only just learned the term It had many other forms, but today it became a trend There used to be daddy issues, not feeling confident with the husband, fearing the husband, or rebelling against him or trying to attract men's attention in any way possible In the past it was phone calls and cards, now it's messaging. So the forms change but it's been around in the past It reflects that this girl's father was not present in her life in a way to make her feel safe, leaving a void that she is trying to fill, but in an unhealthy way Some people grew without that presence but were able to fill the void in a healthy way. They made peace with it They realized that, "I did not get that security from my father, so how can I get it from a safe source, a source near to me?" Some people found their way safely but others didn't.. Boys can also have mommy issues They begin to become attracted to older women, because they feel their mothers were not seeing them in a good light or were absent He was missing this female presence in his life, so he begins to seek females, and we'd call him a womanizer When in reality, it's because the first female presence in his life was not satisfactory, and he is trying to satisfy this need But not all men are like that. Some people met that need and filled that void, taming that need The ones who filled the void in a safe way are the ones who are able to communicate with themselves. They knew they had a problem and, thus, knew how to deal with it None of us chose their parents Does that make it unjust? No, these are the cards I was dealt, and this is my challenge And I have the choice to build from it something to make me stronger or destroy me.. We have a choice in the end That's all Yes, I'm going to miss my flight