Yeah! Let's do this. Welcome to The Daily Show. I am Jordan Klepper. Oh. Oh. Oh. And we are here in Chicago, everybody. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Oh, wait. Oh, wait. I got to say, I got to say, this week has been lovely for me, personally, because I spent some seriously formative years living in Chicago doing comedy. So-- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Yes, thank you. This city is in my blood. And by that I mean, I suffer from a Duk's hot-dog-induced cholesterol problem. Worth it. Well, we're here to talk about the Democratic National Convention, so let's get into Indecision 2024. [THEME MUSIC] Yesterday was night 2 of the DNC, and the positive vibes were still going strong. People were dancing. They were singing. They were cheering. They were putting Invisalign in. [LAUGHTER] The poor bastard. He's thinking, there's 20,000 people in this arena. There's no way the camera's going to be pointed at me for two seconds while I take out my Invisalign. I mean, in front of the whole world. You know his dentist was like, the best part of Invisalign is that no one will ever know you have it. And I mean, who is the cameraman who staked out this guy for 30 hours just to get that two-second shot? You know? This is a convention, not a Planet Earth shoot. Watch the aging liberal slowly prepare his mouth to attract a mate. Now, the actual purpose of the convention is to officially nominate the party's presidential ticket. And they do that through a state roll call. Here's what that looked like at the Republican Convention a few weeks ago. Pursuant to the announcement of the delegation and the rules and procedures of this convention, Oklahoma, 43 votes, President Trump. OK. I get it. A lady who runs an orphanage counts the votes. And that's that. But last night, the Democrats changed things up a bit. Georgia, how do you cast your votes? [MUSIC PLAYING] Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight to officially nominate Kamala Harris for president. (RAPPING) Right, get loud. Another round of shots. DNC, turn out for what? Wow. Whoa. Whoa. Hoo hoo. I didn't know politics was so lit. I'm gonna start voting. I just know that when Lil Jon wrote this song, he was thinking to himself, this will absolutely rip at the 2024 Democratic National Convention. I'd love to hear someone explaining to the older white delegates who Lil Jon is. He's a rapper, Mom. You know, that musical genre invented by Lin-Manuel Miranda. They actually had a DJ spinning songs from each state as they came up. He played Motownphilly for Pennsylvania, a Chappell Roan song for her home state of Missouri. Iowa probably had Happy Birthday or some shit. I don't know. Not a big music state. Personally, I can't wait to see my home state of Michigan show up. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, ho, ho ho, yeah. Woo. Palms are sweaty, Mom's spaghetti. You got the mic, Michigan. Make me proud. Michigan, how do you cast your votes? This November, merging together, Michigan cast 3-- president-- 125 votes. Gah! Michigan! What are you doing? You embarrassed us in front of Illinois. [LAUGHTER] Oh, Michigan. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Come on. Michigan, how did you mess that up? You can't say a simple number, but you know how to say Ypsilanti? Come on. This is why you go to rehearsal, ladies. You literally only had one shot, and you missed your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] You know what? Let's see if Illinois did any better. [DRAMATIC MUSIC] The great state of Illinois, the Prairie State, home of four presidents, including President Barack Obama-- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] --the birthplace of skyscrapers, and the adopted home of Superman. [LAUGHTER] Uh, OK. Uh, started out strong. Seems like a pretty steep drop off from presidents and skyscrapers to the adopted home of a made-up comic book character. I mean, you had nothing in between that? Like Michael Jordan? I don't know. [CHEERING] Come on, JB. JB, come on. I mean, last time I checked, there's no Superman Steakhouse in Chicago. For more on the DNC roll call, let's go live now to the Illinois delegation with Desi Lydic. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Desi-- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Desi, I-- I got to know what you think. "The adopted home of Superman," what do you make of that choice? Well, that was a huge missed opportunity, Jordan. The committee claims that this was the best they could come up with. But there's so many better options when you're talking about a great state like Illinois. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Right. Obviously. Of course. So what would you have gone with? Well, I've been here since Monday, so I'm officially an expert on Illinois history. How about "Illinois, home of the notorious serial killer, John Wayne Gacy"? [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Oh, I don't think that would have played, Desi. OK, OK. Or, um, "Illinois, where 4 of our last 10 governors went to prison." OK. Good? I-- I don't-- I don't-- no, I don't think one's better. OK, fine. What about "Illinois, in the winter, you'll freeze your tits off." OK. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] I think we're good. Desi Lydic, everybody. Let's move on. I want to move on because-- because after the roll call, it was time for the speeches. And the headliners were Barack and Michelle Obama. America, hope is making a comeback. America's ready for a new chapter. America's ready for a better story. We are ready for a President Kamala Harris. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] You know what? I almost forgot how charming and inspirational the Obamas are. Frankly, it's a shot of adrenaline to see these masters of the craft. You sort of want to sit in it. You know, I almost don't want to listen to anybody else. But you know what? The Democrats have been telling us they have a deep bench. So let's see these exciting up-and-comers tap into the energy and the charisma of the Obamas. In my state, we like things spicy, a little chili on everything, a little kick in our campaigns. And let me tell you, we are feeling en fuego right now. [LAUGHTER] You know what? Maybe another quick hit of that Obama charm for a sec. We believe that true freedom gives each of us the right to make decisions about our own life, how we worship, what our family looks like, how many kids we have, who we marry. And we believe that freedom requires us to recognize that other people have the freedom to make choices that are different than ours. That's OK. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Ooh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, that-- oh, that's the good stuff, you know? Inject that hope-and-changey shit into my veins. Whoa. You know, but I can't just get high off these guys all night, you know? There's other products out there, like Kamala Harris's husband, Doug Emhoff, you know? Yeah. Why don't I give him a chance to touch my heart with his moving story of the first time he called Kamala for a date? I got Kamala's voicemail, and I just started rambling. Hey, it's Doug. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah. That sure is a Doug. Has there ever been a more guy-named-Doug in history? If your name is Doug, this is who you are. But maybe-- maybe we're asking too much of Doug. He's a political spouse. You don't expect a political spouse to be able to rile up a crowd. I want to know-- I want to know, who's going to tell him? Who's going to tell him that the job he's currently seeking might just be one of those Black jobs? [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Oh. That's not a Doug. Uh, not an ounce of Doug on it. Don't the Democrats have anyone else who can tap into that cool Obama swagger? ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. [UPBEAT MUSIC] No, no, no. That's a Doug. That is a Doug. I'm sorry. When you see these two up on stage, it's very clear that, for all the talk Democrats have about not looking back, they sure love to live in 2008. And frankly, who can blame them? Nobody else in their party can capture their vision of the future or speak to their values. And perhaps most importantly, nobody else can get under Trump's skin in just the right way. There's the childish nicknames, the crazy conspiracy theories, this weird obsession with crowd sizes. [LAUGHTER] Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. I see what he did there. Uh, yeah, yeah, that's-- that's brutal. That's the second time this summer the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack. For more on the dick joke heard around The Bean, let's go live to Ronny Chieng. Ronny-- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Ronny-- Ronny, I gotta say, if you get online or on TV, everyone is talking about that dick joke. That's right, Jordan. That's the new Democratic messaging. "Weird" is out. "Trump's got a small penis" is in. Oh. OK. So that's it. They're not using "weird" anymore? Oh, no, no, no. Sorry for the confusion. It's both. His penis is small and weird. Oh, OK. All right. All right. So that's it? No policy? It's just going to be immature innuendo from now on? Yes. The dick jokes are a major attack line, and they're only going to get bigger-- then smaller, then after a brief refractory period of up to 15 minutes, huge again. So right now it's just a hand gesture. Next week, they're going to say the border wall isn't the only thing Trump can get up. And-- [LAUGHTER] And by-- and by election night, Obama is going to be like, this guy's dick is small. Oh, OK. OK, but so what? Trump will just deny it. Uh, Jordan, I don't think that's going to be enough. Because Obama knows his game plan. He's going to say prove it. Show us the girth certificate. Oh. Oh, of course. I would be-- I'd be careful, Ronny. Trump might actually whip out his genitals. Right. Well, if he does, that would be a microaggression. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] You see-- you see how easy this is. It's not hard at all, just like Trump's penis. OK, OK, all right, OK. Look, Ronny, I don't think it's going to be effective to ignore policy and just accuse your opponents of having small dicks. I mean, whatever happened to "when they go low, we go high"? Oh, yeah. Whatever happened to that brilliant 2016 strategy that totally worked out for them? I mean, face it, Jordan. Taking the moral high ground doesn't work anymore. Just like Trump's dick. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Great political discourse. Ronny Chieng, everybody.