Transcript for:
Spy Skills to Enhance Relationships

awesome okay guys so let's dive in um today we've got andrew bustamante and uh from everyday spy he's a former cia agent field operative that has uh that is now teaching the everyday person everyday man how to um uh use spy skills to improve their life how to use them to get the get a little advantage or a big advantage on the outside world today we're going to be talking to him about how to use the skills he specifically used in undercover work to connect with women better to relate to women better to get that a little bit of an advantage or that large advantage depending on how you look at it and we were just talking before the call and uh with andrew i've talked to him a few times he's really cool dude i really enjoy talking to him um about you guys stressed so much over approaching a beautiful woman and connecting with her and stepping in detention with her and and uh relating to her and we were talking about what he would have to go through as a spy you know you go out there in the real world and you do this stuff and you have to connect you have to step in attention you have to connect you have to relate you have to pull somebody in and if you screw up it means something i mean you get rejected you go home a little sad you don't get laid you don't get that kiss you don't get another date he could end up in a prison in a foreign country he could end up dead you know so the the the the stakes are a lot higher and so what he has to do is uh is he has to be on point the whole time and i want you to think about that as we go through this that that he has to take what he's doing very seriously and be fully committed and uh that's part of uh so i want you guys to really pay attention how he does that and keeps himself from ending up in a foreign prison or dead or something worse some tortured somewhere as we we dive into this so welcome to the call andrew how was that that was a super exciting introduction man that tension yeah no the commitment thing is so real the uh the horrible foreign prison is also very real but yeah it's really nice to be here smiling with you instead of dealing with uh dealing with that yeah it's probably a big career change isn't it yeah it's but it was the right direction you can tell yeah i would i would say so that in my opinion it would be um so we were talking about um [Music] and i watched your video you sent over a video on perception versus uh um perspective and i think that was a really powerful video to to really look at it and what we're going to talk about here today uh largely is the difference between perspective and perception in relationship to talking to a pretty girl at the bar being on a date uh building a relationship which i think is very powerful in my mind when i when i hear the two uh i'm i'm thinking of turning on the observer this ability to listen and be present with somebody but in an unattached way so you can get the whole picture and i don't know if i've got that right in the way you're putting it out but and um actually before i even do that that was a that's a really good introduction as to where we're going but before i even dive into that why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself so they got a little perspective on on you on your history versus what i just said because i only said a little bit and so dive in let's get a little a little more information yeah no i'm excited to be here my name is andrew bustamante i am a former covert cia intelligence officer and i'm the founder of everyday spy so my whole mission right now is just to take all of my the training the experience the network that i built at cia and bring that to the everyday person so that they can have an unfair advantage in all aspects of wealth health and relationships it's an awesome opportunity for me because what i what i found when i left cia is that it's a little bit like leaving the mafia when you go to cia the last thing cia wants you to do is leave so they don't do anything to help you leave they make it quite difficult for you to leave and they also try to put roadblocks and barriers in the way to make sure that when you leave you can't really ever say that you were from cia so there's just all sorts of challenges that go along with that that make it very difficult and i left for family reasons i left my wife was a former was a cia officer with me we had our first child and we were just the the life that we wanted as parents was not conducive with the life that cia wanted from us as cia operatives so we had to make a hard choice and it was really difficult to make the transition because the mafia didn't want to cooperate so when we finally cracked the code on using our skills in everyday life that's when we realized that it really was just a process and it was a passion for teaching other people how to do it because there are roadblocks everywhere barriers everywhere and all they do is hold this back artificially so that's kind of the the dime store version of why i'm here and i'm super excited to plug in with you brian because you're on a mission to empower men to have the life they want to have right the relationships and the wealth of emotions and the wealth of connection that i have with my wife uh and that that we have that we were so invested in we were willing to give up a life at cia so anything i can do to help this audience i am 100 in well i really admire your i mean it'd be really hard to be a a spy and have a child at the same time i would imagine so i really admire the reason you left that's a super important and honorable reason to be honest and uh it's huge and and so the average uh and diving into this little deeper the the average client that i get is it tends to be on the nice guy side of things you know he has a nice guy syndrome he's nice to a fault he wants to make everybody happy which is really good at at his core he really wants everybody to be happy but because he wants everybody to be happy he's constantly unhappy unhappy because he gives of himself so much trying to be exactly who you want him to be that he has no sense of who who he is he needs to develop that so we do a lot of work with that type of stuff and i imagine the average spy can't have that they gotta be they might play the nice guy at times but they can't be a nice guy and or girl and uh and and so there's a part of you were you ever a nice guy i'm curious would you ever have that did they break that out of you did they have a process of of getting that out of you yeah you know it's it's really funny so there's uh we do a lot with personality testing and we do a lot with with building profiles and dossiers about people based on personality indicators now i growing up i was absolutely in that same nice guy uh groove that nice guy that rut that you were just talking about right where you learn over time that there's a certain expectation a social expectation a parental expectation a geographical expectation of how you're supposed to be where you're supposed to go to school what you're supposed to study you know how much you're supposed to you know pay attention to someone's whoever that someone might be a teacher a pretty girl your neighbor whatever your grandma and your you feel you're constantly trying to fit into this this box and we learn with personality testing that that box is actually a box called a judgmental box it's within the myers-briggs mbti personality traits people there are some people who are naturally wired personality wise to look for boxes to look for boundaries there's a square and they want to know exactly where they are so they just bounce off the insides of the square i was never that person and cia showed me that i was not that person and the entire time that i was growing up it wasn't until i hit that personality test with cia that they basically tapped me on the shoulder and said you would be a good spy but the first thing we need to do is stop this we need to stop you living inside this artificial box so you created a box for yourself of a of your version of a nice guy and they were showing you how to get out of that box is that correct exactly right yep you can't be a good spy and be a nice guy you're gonna you know you're gonna say something stupid and get yourself killed um and just like you can't be a nice guy and be really good with women you can be nice let me rephrase this guys for all of you that misunderstand this question every time i say outer statement you can be nice by choice but you can't be nice by default yeah we used to say you can't be a pleaser you can't be a people pleaser and also be an operator you can't do both yeah because when you have to say something that maybe causes a little tension that it causes a little discord you won't do it you'll try to get rid of that and that'll get you in trouble and in the operating world you have to be in control of the conversation so we we call it we call it uh building rapport and then cashing in rapport it's a term that we use in turn in the world of social capital was cashing in report oh cashing in is because you built it now you can now you can get return on it and exactly and i got a couple questions for you i'm getting really excited about this conversation part of building rapport is also being good at knowing when to break report right it's knowing when to cash in that's exactly right because there's you have to test a person's like a person's connection to you their attachment and loyalty to you and the only way you can test that is by cashing in that report asking for something in return or like you said breaking the pattern of constant rapport building and seeing how they respond because someone who's invested in you is going to respond with returned investment but if all you're ever doing if you're always pouring in if you're always the one putting in you never give them a chance to put in in return so you don't really know where you stand in that relationship and they lose respect for you because you because you're afraid to break that report and they sense they've got you wrapped but they don't have to invest they feel like they don't have to invest and then what would you do what would you do if someone would paid you for no work you wouldn't do any work you would just let them keep paying you and you would put your efforts somewhere else and that's why so many nice guys end up watching their girl pursue some other douchebag or they said spend day night after night buying fancy dinners and treating her to gifts and getting nothing in return and she's not even dating him and she's out having sex with some other guy because it's too damn nice to set a boundary yeah yeah and she may not even know in all honesty she may not even know that you are pursuing her as a partner she may think that you're just this is what what brings you joy you know gifting your friends or she may think that she's just another person who's the recipient of your nice charitable giving right it's uh she doesn't understand that there's a purpose or or a an end goal an intention yes that's 100 sure so so we we talk about the same thing with different languaging what are some of the techniques or systems that the cia would use to help break you or out of that box to stop you from being this nice guy people pleaser to get you so you can be really honest and real or in this case stepping attention where you need to to get a response turn that respect yeah so one of the first things that they do is they they obviously they profile our personalities and then they and they they tell us what that means so you can go to any bookstore any uh grocery store checkout line and somebody will there be an article in some maxim or some people magazine about your personality but when you specifically tap into a myers-briggs type indicator an mbti personality test and you get what is a four-letter code coming out of the back of that each of those four each of those four letters in that code has a spec answers a specific question about how you engage the world around you whether it's how you engage information how you engage how you gain energy how you make a decision or how you how you solve a problem so it's that problem-solving piece specifically that basically falls into two courts you're either a judger or a perceiver so anytime you face any kind of dilemma any kind of challenge which is essentially what all of dating is you're facing a challenge you will naturally kind of lean to one side or the other the in the perceivers of the world are people who will try something new they they don't really believe in a process they don't really believe in a system they just go out there and they swing and if the swing hits they'll swing the same way again or they may make a small change the j on the opposite side the judger that's somebody who wants a manual they want a book they want a list they believe that it's been done a hundred times the same way and i want to learn how to do it that exact right way so what ends up happening is for us in the field cia is looking for people who are who act like jays but who in fact are p's because we have we have blended ourselves into the world because we have learned that there's a game that we have to play to succeed but when you get into field operations the way that the game works is that you have to be in control of the of the game board so the first thing they need us to do is know that we can succeed within the realms of the game and then they teach us how to play the game so that we can master it over others and in personality terms it's all about being either a perceiver or a judger and the goal is to be more on the perceiver side so that's really what they do is they they put us in touch with that side of ourselves if you are on the judge's side that's fine but maybe you're just not made for field operations specifically interesting um i had a teacher once that said uh carl uh and he was one of he had a huge impact on my life and he said you got to learn to whenever you enter into a new company a new system a new operation if you want to rise to the top the first thing you got to do is play by the rules and you got to show them you can play by the rules 100 and then earn the right to set the rules and then you got to be then you play outside the box and you set the rules you change everything but if you come in they're trying to change everything right away you're gonna you're gonna cause a discord that's not good you're going to cause a problem and everybody's going to start to judge you back not like you and then you're going to create all kinds of problems and he said that's how i would go into companies and he goes i would be the youngest guy in the company and suddenly i'm in charge of everybody and everybody everybody mad at me but i played by the rules and then they and they promoted me past everybody else because then i showed i could also change the rules and make them work better after i earned that right is that what you're talking about that's exactly right yeah if you if you think about the workplace it's a great example a lot of the teaching i teach is to show people how to use this in the workplace when you come in and all you do is you you play by you play your own game your own way and you don't care about the rules you don't care about the local culture you don't care about the role you stepped in on people look at you and they call you a rogue they call you a loose cannon they call you terms that degrade and denigrate you and and build you up to get kicked out but once you play by the rules for long enough and then you start pushing the boundaries then they call you revolutionary then they call you transformational right the same person doing the same actions is called by different words has a whole different reputation when they understand this concept of of of judgment and perception which is why one of the first things i teach people is about perception and perspective because perception is you living in your own head perception is that rogue young person who rolls into a job and doesn't care about anything that's already there just tries to do it their own way they're living in their own world of perception they're the center of their story they're the star of their movie they don't even realize there's a whole other cast out there i see that youth a lot today you see that youth i feel like you also see that in the generation the generation gap when you look back at like gen xers gen xers for some reason feel like they've paid their dues and now they're free to be themselves and and they don't realize there's still a game there's still a game to play because those the people in between like you were saying the guy the young folks who come in master the workplace and then run it they don't really care that you've been at the company for 25 years you either play by the rules or you don't yeah i've had young young coaches come in and they suddenly want to change the way we do everything fearless because they they're day one day two they're like let's do this instead let's do that instead and i'm just like you don't even know why we're doing what we're doing yet and yet you want to change it it's almost annoying and then pretty soon and they get really resentful when you put the brakes on them which makes you at a certain point want to get them out because they're not listening and then they wonder why they judge everybody they wonder why you know why they ended up that way you know why you want to get rid of them they don't they take it all personal and they don't realize they're not settling in and earning the respect first and so how would this relate back to our original topic if you're talking about uh dating how would this relate back in your mind if you were if you're out as a spy you want to meet a beautiful you got to meet a beautiful woman and maybe you got to make her like you and connect with her and to get some information something like that or or drop in a little deeper how would this relate so the first thing you got to remember that just like a job or just like a work a culture at work every human being that you meet has a culture there's a there's a box that they live in there's a world that's safe and on something that they're that they're able to digest very quickly and very rapidly so if you want to make a connection quickly you have to understand that your little box where you're comfortable doesn't matter what matters is where they're comfortable you have to meet them on their terms so the best thing you can do is roll in and be and be observation based be inquisitive be curious be helpful be all the things that are the opposite of threatening and forceful so that you can learn first it's called assessment we call it gaining assessment data in the field as you gain assessment you get the data you need to know how to respond it's not that different from the new coaches you were talking about these new coaches roll in they want to do things their way they want to make all these changes they're living in their little box they're not even thinking about the fearless box before they show up how often do men go up to a girl and all and all that's in that man's mind is his world what he's afraid of what he sucks at he doesn't like that he's short he doesn't like that he's got a belly that's bigger than his pecs whatever it might be he's living in his world he has no for all we know that girl likes guys that are a little bit short and a little bit chunky but he's not even thinking about that he's too busy focused in his box when you walk up to someone and you've got to focus on their box where are their boundaries what are they interested in and you can get that from something as simple as just looking at what they're wearing observing their jewelry what are they drinking if you give yourself 20 25 minutes to observe somebody at a distance before you approach them you'll learn an incredible amount of information from how much they laugh how much they smile how much they touch their hair are they fidgeting with shoes that are too big for their feet you'll learn so much about watching somebody before you talk to them through the lens of observing them and observing the box that is their world view well this is this is a very interesting topic because i will we will give this advice to some of the nice guys especially the analytical nice guys that are in their heads and then what they'll do uh to observe and to go up and be curious but what they'll do is they'll go up and i don't know if you run into this problem uh to be curious and because they're so analytical they don't feel curious they think curious and so they start asking all these analytical questions from their head they're saying i'm being curious but it feels like an interview to the girl and i'm like no you got to actually be curious you got to know what it's like to feel curiosity in your body and be truly curious for other human beings they teach that do you have to go through that ability yeah there's a yeah there's a certain um every at the end of the day what every spy wants is information we're always looking for secrets and we know that the person we're talking to either has access to secrets or doesn't have access to secrets but the secrets is not the first thing you're gonna get the first thing you're gonna get is the sticky the sticky messy all the things that make someone human so we have to learn to appreciate empathy we have to learn to appreciate that human connection first so when we approach a target even if we know that that targets some senior ranking general in charge of a nuclear facility we don't ever approach them thinking about how we're curious about their information we're thinking about how we're curious about their vulnerabilities their strengths their weaknesses their goals their ambitions you know their passions their interests they are they are just as sticky as all of us the human being that you're that you're approaching is just as sticky as any other human being just as messy they have their own judgments about themselves and the world around them so the best way to approach that person is is with a curiosity of the person not a curiosity of the the end goal so for us that end goal of course is is information for some people the end goal is just a kiss for some people the end goal is getting laid for some people the end goal is a long-term relationship with multiple kids you if you start there you're curious about the wrong thing so it sounds like to me this is something that is important to me is you you have to have the end goal in mind you have to know what it is but then you release it you can't be attached to it um you can choose it this is what my end goal is now what's the moment one the moment once i need to get to know this person and just develop actual relationship with them and i'll get back to the end goal later um is that right am i getting that right yeah you're absolutely right there was an awesome comparison that one of my instructors gave me once and he said that if you're sitting in california and you look at a map you can see on the map the city that you're in california and you can see on the map where you're trying to go in new york and you can see it you can see exactly where you have to go every road every turn everything but then you get in the car and you start driving and the sun goes down and the only thing you can see is the area in front of you where the headlights touch the road the goal is still there but you're never going to get there if you don't pay attention to what the headlights are showing you on the road in front of you right away and that just was such a powerful idea for me where it's like my job my operation is the light on the road from the headlights that's it i'm not going to get 10 feet further unless i cover these 10 feet first the sun will come up the sun will go down new york isn't going anywhere i'll get to my end goal but i got to drive this road 15 feet at a time just as far as the headlights show me and i think you're now i use i use a map analogy a lot too going from california to new york i use it in a slightly different way but i love your analogy i i talk about the uh navigation system how you plug in the address the navigation system never forgets the address but now what does it focus on it focuses on the next turn yeah and and if it has to reroute you a little out of the way because of some damaged road it'll do that or weather pattern or traffic it'll do that but it's always saying eventually we'll get here don't worry about it now don't worry about it [Laughter] now enjoy it be present as to where you're at um so if we relate this back to men in dating if we relate this back to let's just use the bar for example because it's one of the uh even though we haven't been to bars as much lately because of covid guys will go out to a bar and they walk in the room and i see this with dating companies these these pickup companies that i i i don't like the term pickup anymore because of of the bad stigma but they go into the bar and their goal is to i want you to talk to as many women as you can today and i want you to hit and they're just so not in the now and they're pushing pushing pushing pushing doing almost the opposite of that they're like hi hey what's up how you doing and there's this fake persona that's coming here it's push push push push and they don't know how to relax and just be in the moment with a human being and enjoy that human being um and what happens you can literally feel when they come in ten of them will come into a room or eight of them and the anxiety of the whole bar does this you can feel eyes and then when they leave you can feel it drop back down and i've been in a bar once where two two different crews from two different companies came in at the same time and i was like dear god look at all the women and their defenses go up see the defenses how they start to close off as a spy you go into these high-tech pressure situations and you're you know it's really high pressure it's much higher pressure than what these guys are going through how do you keep from ending up in that nervous anxious place how do you stay so relaxed and calm in your body so this i mean it's an awesome question there are we're taught that there are three lives that everybody has have you heard this before have i if i'm boring you tell me no no no there's there's three lives let me get on screen there's three lies that everybody has everybody has a public life everybody has a private life and then everybody has a secret life the public life is the life that you want everybody else to see it's the life you show it's the persona you put on it's the it's the fake it's the it's the the world that is what you want people to believe you are but you really aren't and then there's the private life the private life is the life that your closest friends your closest peers your closest family knows it's the real you to a certain extent the intimate version of you and then there's the secret life and the secret life is the life that only a few people will ever get to see it's where you hide your biggest shames it's where you hide your biggest embarrassments and humiliations the things that you're most you're most sad and discouraged about yourself that's where the secret life lives we're taught that every person we approach is living and demonstrating their public life it's not real it's just what they want to show tons of energy tons of effort tons of money tons of time goes into this public life and when a public life person runs into another public life person it's just it's two flashes in the same pan right there's no connection it's just it's blinking and then they separate the way you get past that is you lead with your private self you lead from a place of genuine authenticity and vulnerability and you appear like an authentic genuine person and now you've got this flashing public life and this very calm life and that the calming private life actually encourages the other person to want to connect private life to private life for us that's important because once you connect private life to private life you're on someone's inner circle and from that inner circle you move them into a secret relationship in relationships in actual meaningful deep relationships you connect private life to private life so that you can then connect secret life to secret life and you don't have to keep secrets from one person the one person you love and trust the most yeah that's powerful um because we always talk about the power the way we phrase it is you have vulnerability and tension and your most vulnerable self is is the one that every it really connects but most men are scared to show their most vulnerable self they're scared to open up and i'm not talking about this needy victim yourself this the part of you that has an emotion that feels a little nervous and raw and open-hearted and that's what women get drawn to but they put on they think they're going to be vulnerable from their head it just doesn't work um and so if you can learn to lead with that person uh people feel more connected to you they feel more you demonstrate your leadership right away right if you are a calming force in a world of chaos right remember you're thinking about the other person they live in a chaotic world if she's single and she's got friends she's watching other friends connect she's watching other friends fall in love she's got pressure from mom and dad she's trying to balance what it's like to be beautiful and professional and successful and you know not show her her weakness and her own vulnerability as a female when you approach that person vulnerable all that does is it makes them feel calm and confident in you as the driver and you as the leader and it makes them want to be vulnerable with you yes yeah the one thing i always say is that true confidence isn't putting up a big wall and walking up like guys will say all the time uh just go talk to her be confident so i'll put up a big wall and i'll be like okay i'm confident sales sales is the same way getting on the stage is the same way when you're public speaking put up a big wall hi i'm brian how are you what's your name where are you from that's that's [ __ ] confidence and women know that that's coming from pride that's coming from ego we drop that and we get to the point where we can own our big deepest fears and our our sadness our loneliness our love our passion our curiosity and we put it right out there for everybody to see when we're on stage we put it right out there everybody see on video we put it right out there for the women to see when we walk up and then we own it and we don't become a victim or blame it we become magnetic and that yeah excellent word yeah and that's that's what the guys need to realize on this call is you we're saying the same thing with different words it's super magnetic because think about what's more confident a guy with a wall saying hey what's up or a guy saying yeah you terrify me and i don't give a [ __ ] i'm going to show up anyways i'm going to show you i'm shaking and i don't care i'm right here i ain't going anywhere how are you that's that's a different that's a whole different mentality and but it seems like you would have to really as an agent in in a in the cia or somebody's being qualified as an agent for the cia you have to be you they have to really look for somebody that's do they i'm guessing they look for somebody that's capable of that to some degree ahead of time and then they cultivate the rest yeah so yeah it's it's surprising to most people so this what cia does is cia knows that the skills they teach can be taught to anybody anyone can learn the skill that i mean one of the most powerful things to me was when i was taught that there really isn't anything special about me as an individual that got me into cia what got me into cia was the fact that cia needed the background that i brought to the table they needed somebody ambiguously brown with a giant forehead right they needed somebody who didn't look american i happened to speak chinese at the right time i happened to be experienced in nuclear engineering at the right time in nuclear missiles and nuclear warheads and that was what they needed at the time so cia i mean the world's intelligence services from from russia to the u.s to mexico and india all these intelligence services know that they can train pretty much anybody to do the skills that they need in about six months what they can't train is the years of experience beforehand that make you an expert in engineering or fluid dynamics or whatever else so it's really not that the person itself was born to be a spy it's that the spy was built out of the person that they needed and that's how it works so just like cia has total confidence they can teach anybody the skills that you and i are talking about which tells me anybody can learn the skills that you and i are talking about i'm i'm building a business taking people into live experiences where they're learning these skills they're learning dead drops in a matter of hours they're learning how to bump a stranger and gain critical intelligence in a matter of hours they're learning escape and evasion they're learning tactical driving and tactical shooting they're turning into a badass overnight because the skills are trainable everything you're teaching is absolutely trainable yeah yeah and that's the it took a long time because i was so in my head too part of the problem i had is i went to my original teacher who taught something called feeling which is a lot of what we're talking about being in feeling being able to relate to your emotions without being subject to your emotions being able to feel another person's emotions without being controlled by those emotions being able which is a lot of i think when we go back to the original concept of this call um and he was a very powerful individual he would speak on the radio everybody want to buy from he would go give a talk and because he was just so present all the time um and that's what fearless was built on this principle for me it took me a long time to get out of my head because i was so he used to say you're so in your head brian you're above your head [Music] and then uh we have i have a picture on a video i think it was last week's video or something you guys all saw uh you got in the chat of me like 20 years ago and it's just people are like dear god that doesn't look like you anymore you look like a different human being it's from the the depth of the embodiment so i want to acknowledge you because i'm very curious to come see your workshops and see your process for getting somebody i mean getting somebody to get to that point where they can really be present with somebody else without their nervous system freaking out without their their body pulling them out without them shooting their head as a defense mechanism this type of stuff and i get that's what i'm most curious about so i keep asking these questions um so let's dive a little deeper into the the subject of the call that you really wanted to talk about which was uh perception versus um how did you say perception versus perspective exactly right which i see it as in in non-duality is turning on the observer and learning to use the observer so let's talk about it from your perspective yeah so you just i mean that was the perfect segue let's talk about it from your perspective when you talk when when you just started that sentence just a second ago brian you said when i hear you say those words it makes me think of the observer and was it non-duality is that what you said yeah yeah collapsing duality allows you to go free of outcome the place where your brain went the place where your brain went was your perception it was what's important to you what you value what you care about what you're interested in like that is the natural human response that is how every human being is wired it goes back to self-preservation fight or flight us living as cavemen having to protect our own life first right perception is totally natural it's what's wired into all of us it's why when someone says something that's interesting to you you respond by talking about all the interesting things you know about or you learned about with regard to that subject it's what kills the first contact with a female because she's gonna say something and then you're gonna start rattling off about yourself and the last thing anybody wants to hear about is you the one subject no one ever gets tired of hearing someone else talk about is themself right if you talk about me i'm going to let you talk all day long brian i'm going to love everything you have to say but if you sit there and talk about yourself in about three and a half minutes i'm going to be wondering if someone texted me if there's something else i need to be doing what's on my grocery list right so perspective perspective is what happens when you intentionally think about what the other person's experience is the reason that it's so valuable to operators is because we already know 99.9 percent of people out there are untrained in what we're talking about right now the vast majority of people are operating according to their animalistic wiring their thinking through their own two eyes their own perspective that's all that matters to their own perception that's all that matters to them when you when you enter a situation thinking about perspective what does my target think what do the two and what are the two people at the two exit doors think what do the five people sitting in the back row think is happening in this conversation you gain this informational edge this dominant position over everything else in the room because you are the only person considering multiple data points from all pers all points of view to have an over an overarching perspective of the situation i i'm going to keep talking if you just give me another second yeah go for it i had i talked i just came off of a weekend teaching people escape an evasion in an urban setting it was badass right one of the first things one of the things that we did is we taught them uh physical defense something called defensive tactics how to basically connect mind to body and use that to occur to defend yourself in an anti-kidnapping situation or a kidnapping situation and one of the most powerful elements that always comes up when i teach people this is that if you use brazilian jiu-jitsu if you're one of those people who learned krav maga or brazilian jiu jitsu to defend yourself if you actually get into a scuffle on the street and some attacker tries to attack you and then you beat the [ __ ] out of that attacker right you're throat punching you're face punching you take them to the ground you've got them an arm bar and then a police officer shows up who does the police officer think is the threat you because you're the one kicking the other guy's ass right you have completely lost perspective because in your perception you're thinking i'm under attack meanwhile everybody else around you is looking thinking the poor bastard that you're beating up is the innocent victim and that's how cops end up pointing guns at the wrong people right that element that the the importance of that point of view is immensely powerful when it comes to running any kind of operation or having any kind of end goal where you want a specific outcome because you need to control the entire situation you can control the entire environment if you keep in mind the perspective of others because everyone else is just thinking about their own point of view their own perception their own uh interests and values so tell me if i got this right um you're talking about basically well in natural law i call it the law of relativity or the relative nature getting a big relative perspective and i did say the observer um the context versus content are these are these analogies correct yeah exactly right okay awesome and uh and so you spend a lot of time coming in when you come into any situation you start with context before you start with content is what you're saying yeah you start with what's yep what is if you're talking about context meaning what am i walking into where is this person's heart mind and goals right now and where do i fit into that long term that's that's exactly right okay let me ask you a question when do you ever share and maybe you do this intentionally or maybe you do it unintentionally but you're saying you know you really want to get them talking but sometimes to get somebody talking to get them sharing it requires a bit of you sharing because you have to share something vulnerable which then makes them feel safe to open up to you do you ever do you ever make this as part of the whole picture yeah absolutely so we we actually have a funny rule of thumb so a lot of times what happens with folks who come to everyday spy training is they'll come in and they'll be introverted when they approach when they come in and they'll have struggled with either social environments or maybe work work conflict relationship conflicts peer conflict whatever it might be and i teach them this concept about perspective and perception i teach them how important it is to know how to use a question to your own operational advantage and then they they say the same thing that you were saying earlier right like how do i know when i'm asking a question versus when i'm giving an interrogation and the trick that we were always taught because if analysis paralysis sets in you've got to have a way of breaking it the trick that we were taught was two questions and one confirmation two questions and one acknowledgement basically right so you know brian i'll ask you two questions about you and then whatever you say in response to the second question i will then make a connection where i acknowledge what you said and make it relevant to me so when i talk about myself i'm talking about myself through something that you've told me about you so every time i talk about me i'm building a connection because i'm basing my commentary off of you you tell me that you like old movies i'll tell you i like old movies that are musicals maybe you don't like musicals doesn't really matter you like old movies and now you're looking at me and you think andy likes old movies too he's a cool guy right yeah if i were to just roll in and be like hey i really love 1950s era musicals then there's no context for you your guy that's kind of weird buddy like where have you been for the last 50 years right so it's a completely different way of leveraging questions or leveraging that connection to your own advantage yeah this is very interesting the um and i'll relate it back to something uh the first time i learned the art of rapport which was a workshop i took many years ago they would call it like almost like a hot potato you're sharing a little then asking a question sharing a little but i like what you just did there because what you did there was a little different um you said ask two questions and then share a little and it keeps the focus a little on the other person and that's the intent i'm guessing that's exactly right man because remember the thing that no one ever gets tired of hearing you talk about is them so keep asking them questions never let it get to that interview state you'll it's amazing you'll spend hours doing two in one two and one two and one and instead of the person ever stopping to say oh i'm talking too much about myself let's ask about you it'll never happen they'll just they'll just stay in this happy world right and like you were saying a flow state they'll just stay very comfortably and every time they talk they're investing more and more into you and more and more into the relationship that you're building it works like a dream with business clients it works like a dream during interviews when you're looking at hiring somebody or firing somebody it's amazing how much you can disarm somebody just by keeping a little bit just keeping 66 of the attention on them 33 of the attention on you yeah that's huge yeah i find i find that learning and well actually i want to jump one more question because you're really nailing a really important point which is the more you get somebody else to share the more they feel like they're sharing because they want to or because there's a sense of um i don't know that sense of rapport right i feel like i've known you forever you probably hear that a lot it feels good too right when you hear that very good yeah and what about the art of listening now this is a very important thing that i love to talk about i want to ask you about it it sounds like you've got a skill set for it the art of listening is not just listening to their words is it there's a there's a deeper art to it can you talk about that from your perspective yeah so when when i look at listening i look at listening as kind of a a two skill a two skill mastery that's partly being able to read between the lines like what are the what are the concepts what are these what are the statements that they're saying outside of the words that they're using but then you also have to have the ability to remember the statements that you're hearing between the lines so it's a little bit of a little bit of a foreign language where you have to interpret instead of simply here interpret the feelings interpret the the statements themselves and then also recall them because the next time you have a next time you sit with this person the next time you text message this person the next time you have a chance to talk to this person you don't want to start from zero you want to start from the end of the last statement of the previous conversation so that they're right back in there with you you can cash in on all that social capital in just a moment so it really is when someone says you know i'm having a today's been a good day or today i'm a little bit tired or whatever what they're saying is not just that they're tired they're saying something has drained their energy what is that draining thing you might assume well they must have had a big day at work but maybe their big day at work energized them maybe the draining thing is actually with family so it's better to just to listen and understand like i've had i've had a rough day well i've had a rough day could mean a lot of different things don't assume anything listen and hear there's there's information to be gathered and the person is already feeling comfortable enough to admit that they're not having a perfect day they're they're already shedding some of that public life to let you into their private life yeah that's that's huge too um when i look at it i want to ask if if you can relate back to this at all or give a little more perspective on how you look at it when i look at it i'm always paying attention to um and i think you kind of just said this so maybe i'm being redundant but i'm paying attention to what emotions and feelings are coming up in their body as they speak so i might hear them say a sentence but they might say one thing they gloss over but i can feel the sadness come up in that one thing i can feel anger come up in that one thing and then they gloss over it as they start to feel they feel a little emotionalizing and then they jump topic and i note of that and sometimes i'll ask about that depending on the time and what's going on hey you know tell me about this and i'll move and i'll go back to that topic because i know there's something deeper there do you guys ever are you trained to do that do you do any work with that yeah we call it a shift change whenever you see them shift change like that you see them go from second gear to fourth gear right because they they landed on a topic that they didn't want to talk about so we do a lot we have now that i'm now that i'm talking about it with you i'm realizing how much vernacular we pull out of like traffic there's red lights green lights and yellow lights when you're when you're having a conversation and somebody and you hit on a topic that turns somebody off that's a red light when you hit on a topic that makes somebody pause or shift change that's a yellow light topic right yellow light is the is the entry point to the private life and then when someone just blurts out whatever's at the top of their mind that's a green light topic all day long you can talk about the weather all day long you can talk about work you know all day long you can talk about fitness and exercise and what you watched on netflix you're never going to get to the heart and soul of somebody doing that but when you hit that yellow light when you hit that shift change where they gloss over something right you know it was a rough day you know i had my dog and my dog was you know whatever i don't really want to talk about it how are you boom shift change crystal clear yellow light doorway to the private life is right there what we have to do is fight off the instinct to jump on the question no no tell me what happened to your dog tell me tell me about that pain that you're feeling i really want i really want to be here for you so tell me about it it's like the best thing to do when you have a shift change is you reflect it back on yourself right and you talk about something painful or something challenging or something difficult that's happening in your private life because they're already primed to be vulnerable you just have to give them the space to come out and be vulnerable that's what you're looking for and if you go there first and you show them i'm i'm comfortable going here so i'm going to invite you into this space and then then typically they'll go there too and uh i find that to be very powerful i find that our average student though doesn't do what you just said maybe as a spy i can totally see it i want to jump here's that shift change and and then avoids that topic because it would mean going into something deeper and they're like oh i'll just keep it like fluffy you know and and we'll stay up here because i think [Laughter] and um and so we have to almost coach them into that but it can be like you like you were just talking about it can be one of the most powerful moments of this other person's life it can be life-changing for them i have a student where i heard him talk about a line in a painting and this is over 10 years ago 15 years ago and i called him out on the line because i could feel the depth of the emotion that when he referenced the slime but he did the shift change like you called it and uh went back started talking about it and he got he said he didn't even know he was like that's just the line what are you talking about we'll talk a little more about it and he started talking more about it and he could see these emotions come up and all these feelings come up and then pretty soon he's talking about oh my god i miss being a painter and then next thing you know he starts painting and the next thing you know 10 15 years later he's got a gallery in miami now and because of that conversation right and that that's the power of knowing asking a question like that now i had the permission in that moment because we were in a workshop setting to go right for that question but you're right you can't sometimes go right for the question and and you know it's and this is this is the dark side of me right so for anybody out there who's wondering am i still a nice guy this should be how you know i'm not a nice guy right that man wherever he's sitting in his gallery he gives you credit for his work he gives you credit for his own discovery like that loyalty that should belong to him is actually with you so if you were to be on if you were to be representing a foreign government if you would be representing anything nefarious you would have immense influence over that individual that is that's the key of the kingdom that's what that's what every foreign intelligence officer every u.s intelligence officer is trying to do how do we get someone to open up at the right time in the right way that they basically give us credit for their own success they're the ones taking all the risk they're the ones that are gonna get shot and hung by their own foreign government but if we do it the right way they think it's all worth it just to be with us just like your client thought it was totally worth it right he sits in a gallery thank thanking god every day for meeting brian yeah and that's uh i mean i hate to say but that's absolutely true if i call him it's he's on the phone instantly he wants to learn more always he's like what what what do you have that's new what are you doing what are you doing now you know luckily i'm not that kind of guy i am still somewhat of a nice guy so i don't never be happy so um so uh so really quick we are about an hour in i want to do a quick commercial really quick um andrew is going to be at the integrated man summit which is coming up in uh november in miami you're already in miami right you live in miami or you live out in florida somewhere right close enough to miami yeah i'll be there for sure yeah so he'll be out speaking live at this event he'll probably be speaking all at least two days probably three days uh on these topics so if you guys out there really love these topics and you want to go deeper with andrew you want to talk to him in person you want to ask him questions in person november 4th through the 6th in miami florida is going to be the integrated man summit there's a link on the screen there should be a link in the chat in a moment for you guys to get tickets you can go out there live you can also do it online there's going to be an online version as well for everybody that can't travel if you're in uh i saw some of you were from uh europe so if you're in in europe definitely click on the link you can still get tickets and i'm assuming that andrew's got a lot more stuff and a lot deeper stuff i mean then then we can even remotely touch on in an hour call so um and if you really want to get some of that deeper stuff definitely click on that link and get and get over to the uh the event that's coming up in miami yeah so brian i just the the thing i'm the most excited about bringing to miami is talking about sex through espionage which is a term that's kind of colloquial called sexpionage but it's not just about you know who's having sex with who to get what secrets it goes so much deeper into how spies use sex to boost their own cognitive abilities how spies see sex is like a rejuvenating process how they see human connection as like a vehicle that can represent the pleasures and the joys of sex and all sorts of different things that relate sex specifically to espionage but it's so like you said it's so heady and it's such an intimate topic it just doesn't lend itself well sometimes to a one-hour podcast it's so much better when it can when it's a live conversation that happens where people can ask real-time feedback and we can take it to the margins during breaks and we can come back and recap stuff the next day it's it's that kind of topic which is why it's so special to get to talk about it at a place like tim's yeah and then on um typically on saturday night on friday night we'll have a vip session where you'll be invited to come speak and that's off camera for anybody that wants to be part of the vip if you buy the vip that's off camera you can ask all those questions that maybe he's not willing to talk about on him so uh thank you for being the one to say that yeah so i just wanted to throw that out with sexy knowledge there might be a few of those topics um is any of that by the way is any of that sex being on stuff is that any of that related or pulled from any of the old man talk chia taoism tantra any of that a lot of it actually does go back to the tantric practices that the indians understood like way back in the day like some of the stuff that's tied into buddhist and and the different energy flows and uh there's some really cool stuff that's there made practical right like it's really hard to teach some people the spiritual side of things but you can break a lot of spirituality down into practical systems that anyone can understand but yeah it's heavily rooted in human nature and a lot of the most basic human nature is wrapped up in spirituality before it was ever made into a system yeah i find sex can heal and sex can be destructive depending on how it's used and if it's done properly and you're with a woman she can feel like she went through a healing growing experience you can too you know and that's what i love about this stuff espionage um tantra taoism done properly well because practically speaking again i'm a very practical person if a woman feels like having sex with you is a healing process that's there's very little you can do to have to motivate her to have to do it again right like she's gonna go right back to the doctor yeah yeah yeah she's she's uh yeah right back to the doctor you being the doctor yes that's perfect um so what we want to do now is uh we're a little about an hour in so we should be diving into some questions i'm sure that we've got a big crowd you got a good sized crowd so i'm sure they've got a lot of questions i've been seeing them pop up in the chat let's get a uh andrew's got control the other andrew andrew schantz has got control of the questions andrew do you want to uh pop on here and um and pop us up some questions yeah that's our first one right there awesome buddy thank you um so are you ready for questions i'm sorry yeah let me do it oh yeah absolutely i love the questions that would make it all worthwhile man before i ask this first question is there anything you wanted to say get out before we dive into more questions but it was on the it was like i haven't said yet but brian hasn't asked it yet i need to say it is there anything that needs to be said or anything no i mean the the energy here is awesome the the concepts are so applicable it's right it's right in everything i care about so bring it on man i'm sure these questions are just going to relate more to the the power and the energy we're talking about awesome let's do it um the first one's from tucker uh how do you allow the person to open up when they are glossing over when they're glossing over the yellow light that's a great question so there's two techniques here right the first is the one that we already talked about right brian where you see the yellow light you see the shift change so you give them the space because they're still present they're present in that yellow light they haven't left it yet they've glossed over but they're not talking about something new yet right they just ended the statement with you know i don't really want to talk about it but they're still thinking about it so the first technique is the one we talked about where you open up the door to vulnerability by saying something in line saying something that that is inviting to them to talk about your pain something that builds a bridge the second really powerful technique is something that we call silence intentional silence it's uh it's an elicitation technique that you use to get people to talk more if you just give someone three beats isn't is the magic number three beats right inside your head you think beat beat beat if they're not talking after those three beats you go to the first technique but a lot of times what will happen is within those first three beats they will say something they will say something that takes the conversation further down a road that you want to go down either they'll change a subject and be under something safe or they'll continue on the same road right like the lady who might talk about her dog saying am i saying something bad happened to her dog she might go with a few steps after two and a half beats she might say i really love that dog i've had her for seven years beat beat beat she was a gift from my mom and dad and i'm not really sure how to deal with it right those three beats are a lot of times all it takes it can feel like an eternity to you but it happens in an instant to them this is really cool because um well i love teaching guys to use silence i mean it's a sales technique right you silence say less uh pick up old pickup guys used to say years ago i can almost tell who's gonna get the girl if two guys are competing for the girl because the guy who's speaking the most is gonna blow it almost every time the guy who can handle the silence is usually gonna do better and uh and so that that technique right there i love the idea of the beats though because so many of the students are analytical and they get the they get to okay let me just focus on this idea of a beat rather than waiting and um and if i have to go more than three or four beats then i can maybe then i'll say something yeah yeah exactly right so that yellow light is such a cool place to be but once you spot it you've got two techniques to to use it yeah i've actually uh told guys just as a practice because guys can't shut up so i'll send them out and i'll say okay talk to a girl and then uh what i want you to do is once the conversation's connecting i want you just to shut up and and and just stand there and just kind of enjoy the crowd look around and just kind of keep the connection feel her be present and see how long you can go without saying a word and see if you can get her to open you back up oh nice if you go into your head she's probably gonna get it's gonna get awkward if you stay really low and relaxed and calm and open-hearted she's going to want to keep talking to you and you're going to and when you start to do this a bunch of times with different women you're going to notice the difference you're going to notice if you stay relaxed they get pulled in you go to your head they walk away almost every time yeah it's a very interesting process i don't know if you've ever done anything like that but it's fun to do well what's interesting to me is when you come across somebody who's naturally in their head and then you see reflected back at you an untrained person and then you just feel like like the master had a keyboard right and you're like i know how to do all this stuff and this person's still trapped in their own head and you're pulling them out of their head you're bringing them into the reality you're bringing you're grounding them and it's just it's such a powerful thing because that person just falls in love with you male female foreign general nuclear scientist or not once you show somebody the joys of being present they just they're addicted to it and they just want to be around you more 100 it feels so much better and um i mean it's it's prison being in your head it's a horrible question so uh what's our next question let's just dive in so you got one andrew uh igor how much do these techniques become habitual and what are the usual pitfalls if they do oh man so igor this is a this is one of those private private life questions so uh so the techniques become habitual they become so habitual that they almost become second nature one of the things that we often joke about at cia is after a while you don't have any real friends anymore you're just friends with other cia operatives because every conversation every relationship becomes this game of transactional science where you're trying to get more than you give and that's a very unhealthy world to live in it's a big part of why why retired cia people are very difficult to listen to or talk to or be around if you see them as pundits on cnn or msnbc s or fox or anywhere you just listen to them talking their expertise is impressive but you never in a million years think it'd be fun to have a beer with that person because they have become so habitually rooted in this manipulative transactional game that they've lost track of true genuine connection and that's the biggest that's the biggest pitfall when it becomes habitual and when that's that feeds into broken marriages that feeds into failed relationships with children that's uh bad business decisions all sorts of things flow out of that which is why the trick the key is to understand the technique and to keep a constant focus on the intention why are you doing this right if your end goal is to build a meaningful relationship that's a powerful end goal to pursue our end goal was always to steal secrets from a foreign government and make a trader that keeps americans safe that's a very pragmatic objective yeah that's uh that's powerful um i have a quick question uh let me see if i can i have to re because because you were just saying something that triggered something in me do you find where'd that quit i feel like i'm blanking on the question a little bit because i went like three different directions in my head and started thinking about this but um do you find i really want this question it's gonna come back i'm gonna give me another question i'll find it because it's an important question um oh i have the question now i had to rewrite i reread his question and then it popped back into my mind because it popped in do you find that uh that students have a tendency uh to think about this stuff so much like getting all these different systems and techniques that they end up in their head because of it and how do you keep them from doing that yeah what i used to deal with in the beginning is i would teach all these techniques to banter better report better to you know play and then then they they were thinking about it all the time and i was like you got to stop thinking about all this [ __ ] you gotta you gotta almost have it as muscle memory so conduct that yeah so i've got i've got two kind of really relevant uh recent examples so one happened just this weekend in our urban escape and invasion course i had a student there who had no background in physical conflict at all 115 pound 20 year old boy thin his rails stood maybe five foot five feet tall right a small thin whelp of a guy the kind of guy that nobody wants to like that you're never afraid of this guy and we're trying i'm trying to teach him the physical defense techniques that can knock down an opponent three times his size right something we call biomechanical advantage i'm showing him how to use wrists i'm showing him how to use elbows knees i'm showing them how to use a weight shift all these different things and what i'm learning each step of the way that i'm teaching this to him he's becoming more and more in his own head what exact angle do i have to turn my right foot to what exactly how far should my elbow be from my chest is my left shoulder too high like am i supposed to be turning like this i noticed that you were turning a little bit like this and and i had to pull him out of his head and say look man you got to feel it like your body is the weapon you've got to feel how it all comes together because how it comes together for your size and your stature is different than someone else it's all about building the the routine building a habit building a process that works for you using the core principles that i'm teaching you and by the end of the training course he was doing exactly that he was breaking the grip of a of a 250 pound marine who was able to wrap his arms you know the poor guy's arms were smaller in radius than the marines grips and he was still able to break out of that guy's grip with the techniques that we were teaching by getting him out of his head getting him into his body but you're exactly right that people like to go into their head when they start getting a system or a process a lot of times you have to just re-ground them you have to remind them that the system or the process is tailored to you it's just like a good suit it's not about the wool and the stitching it's about being it's about the best wool and the best stitching being built to your size and your dimensions yeah yeah it's like dance steps you got to learn the dance steps and then at some point you got to throw out the dance steps and just work on the rhythm and the flow exactly um and some people just have a hard time with that that's okay yeah and dancing doesn't happen overnight right no it takes a lot of practice but you know i'll be damned if there isn't everybody looks at a good dancer and is impressed yeah that's for sure that's for sure okay next one we got from jojo um nope go back to that last question when we hadn't asked it yet my bad that's all right do you have it still more red lightning more red light and green light techniques yellow and red light yep you're right you're right brian yeah so uh the yellow light red light concept is a super powerful concept so the the yellow light techniques that we talked about silence and then uh opening a conversation on your side so that they walk through that yellow light they turn that yellow light into a green light um that's those are two really powerful yellow light concepts the most important thing with the red light is to understand that red means stop but that doesn't mean stop forever right remember how i was saying that a conversation is actually two skills the skill of reading between the lines but then also the skill of recalling so always recall a red light keep that in your head because the red light's not going to change from day to day if you talk to a girl on monday and you talk to her the following monday red light's still going to be the same red light but by recalling that you hit that red light once you don't make her have to repeat herself and you know who notices that she notices that she notices that you're not asking the same bone-headed question over and over again that some other guy asks all the time guys always forget like this guy always forgot that guy always forgot whatever i was standing in line at a starbucks there's a starbucks on the ground floor of cia headquarters um it's not not everybody knows it but it's there and i was standing behind this absolutely beautiful brunette i was engaged to my wife who is my now my wife but i was standing behind this gorgeous brunette who kept looking at me and i could get i got the sense very clearly that there was something about my big nose or my big forehead i don't know what but something interested her so i struck up a conversation and she and she she was you know flirtatious and she was showing all the right signs of a girl who's primed to be asked out but i wasn't going to ask her out and she mentioned her name and i don't remember to this day what her name was because i wasn't invested in the conversation three days later i'm at the same effing starbucks at almost the same time and the girl walks up behind me and she comes right up and says oh hey andy how are you it's good to see you again you know what you've been doing i didn't know her name she had told me her name i remembered that she had told me her name but i didn't bother remembering her name because i wasn't invested in the conversation and when she realized that i didn't remember her name she got pissed right that's one of those red light areas where i hid a nerve and she expected a guy to remember her name that's just as easy if you hit a red light and and somebody doesn't like having they know they remember that they told you that red light before you can lose them in an instant and likewise by remembering that red light one day you're gonna hit a yellow light that opens a door that lets you bring up that red light in a vulnerable place where they're willing to talk about it and they're it's going to be totally comfortable to them and they're going to trust that vulnerability and for whatever reason their mind body connection is going to say this guy gets me this guy understands me he gave me space he gave me time and now i'm going to be vulnerable because i can trust him yeah that's that's super powerful i also find and i want to i want to know if you guys talk about this whenever you do that let's say for example in this woman's name where you forgot her name you forgot her name she gets mad but you handle it really well maybe not that day could be another day you start to talk again but because you handled it so well you grounded her out you created space you remembered the next time you brought it you were vulnerable about it suddenly it can actually create a tighter bond than if you never had the problem in the first place yeah exactly yeah yeah exactly right and a lot of times the best way to the best way to handle a red light gone wrong is by owning it is by saying i don't i'm sorry i don't remember your name i'm horrible with names it's not my strong suit but there's no way i would ever forget like you know your smile your hair whatever else it might be some whatever line you choose to use or or however you choose to kind of back out of it own the fact that you screwed up own the fact that that it's on you it's your fault it's not because of her you were whatever you're surprised that she remembered you you thought you were just going to be a blip on her radar right so yeah that's powerful i found that to be super huge um okay let's uh what's the next one andrew or either andrew i should call you i'll call you chance the rest of the call can you speak a little more about how do we keep authenticity when learning these techniques we just kind of talked about that but is there anything else you want to say about it no it's just it's all about the focus on the end goal it's all about the intention right if your intention is to is to find girls and use them up and blow through them like you know like 50 bills there's that you're going to lose your authenticity they're eventually they're going to see through it or if they don't start to see through it you're going to start sucking at your game because you're losing the core principles you're you're getting away from the core principles of connection authenticity and you're getting into the core principles of abuse and manipulation and that's not health that's not healthy that's not going to get you to your end goal but when you stay focused on the fact that you're you're connecting to a human being with individual needs and you're looking for that puzzle piece right there's i love that that example or the uh the way that they talk about love or connection as a puzzle piece every puzzle is a unique shape so you're not looking for the perfect puzzle piece you're just looking for the puzzle piece that fits your puzzle piece perfectly and that happens when you keep a focus on on the intentionality of finding human connection with a meaningful partner who's going to take you somewhere beyond your dreams because they just unlock more power in you yeah and i agree with that 100 i used to say there are two types of guys out there uh one guy's looking for numbers he's looking to validate himself as many numbers as many girls i can have sex with you know and then rack them up and brag about i've slept on d200 whatever it is and there's another type of guy out there that's looking to just explore with and help women explore to have fun to have a moment and see where the moment takes us and it's not about the number it's about are we having a moment can we and how do you want to explore how do i want to how can i make it more fun for you to explore and then when he does that that guy's a lot more inviting i think on average um okay what's our next one let's see we got a joe here uh okay no we got one more uh we already did that one so let's do one more here uh omar how do you know when you're out of your head and uh connected to a person and what do you do to get out of your head if you're disconnected oh that's a big question so i think everybody has to know there's a little bit of self uh realization that has to go into knowing what it's like when you're in your head there's some telltale signs right you you know you're in your head when you're not aware of your immediate surroundings right when your five senses disengage when you're not hearing the sounds around you when you're not seeing the brightness of the colors when you're not smelling the smoke or smelling the perfume when you're not when your five senses fail you you know you're really deep in your head and that's a dangerous place to be in the field for us for lots of reasons it's a it's not a helpful helpful place for you to be if you're trying to talk to a female and connect to her in the moment but yeah look for those five senses to fail you and then you get out of there by focusing on those five senses it's a simple it's something that we often do in the in wartime in the battlefield scenario when you're getting shot at believe it or not when you're getting shot at you go to your head you don't go to your gut you go to your head and you start thinking if i put my head out there i'm going to get shot if i put my head out there i might get shot if i if i call on this radio thing i might have five seconds before i make the right call you know how fast are they moving how slow are they moving uh based on the number of rounds i'm hearing how many shooters are there you're in your head and a lot of times what you have to do is we force ourselves to stop and just touch the dirt touch the ground and just smell the air feel the heat on your skin listen to the noise like and all of a sudden you'll start everything just becomes clear the moment becomes clear because you're focusing on those five senses i would imagine that if you're sitting with a female it's going to work the same as if you're under a fire fight i've been fortunate that enough fire fights make it so sitting in front of a female doesn't really put you in your head anymore yeah i think some there are some guys that go into their body more when they're under pressure uh around women and some guy but most guys go into their head or go nervous some guys see a woman and they just drop in it's like animal instinct picks on and it's pretty amazing and i was wondering i was going to ask you that in a fire fight are there some guys a very small percentage of guys that actually get more present in a firefight maybe it's five percent two percent one percent yeah there are for sure there are those guys and and it's it's a beautiful thing to see but it's also a terrifying thing to see people who who almost recklessly seem to not appreciate life because they're so focused on preserving life it's just it's a it's a powerful thing to see and a lot of times they it doesn't make them a better shooter it doesn't make them faster on their feet it doesn't make them a better leader uh but it's the kind of person that acts like an animal that's been cornered right like that's that's the scariest moment when when you are in a position where you have to fight for your life that's where you really realize am i like a badger or am i like a llama how am i going to respond like how am i going to react in that moment am i going to cower in the corner until life is taken from me or am i going to fight tooth and nail bite scratch and whatever else until i either win or i go down fighting and when you see those people in action you never look at them the same after the fire fight's over interesting are are they let's go one step further is there any group that actually gets uh super meditative like i'll still focus they're just in the zone flow state so i well i would i'm talking about flow state being in those folks right they don't they become so so connected to their carnal nature their carnal defense that they're just they're just flowing it's almost i mean i don't like using this comparison necessarily but have you seen those movies like any of the sherlock holmes movies or some of those action movies where they they'll put a fight in that flow motion like slow motion where you just see the person every move they make is right everything they do is right it's never that perfect but it's a little bit like that it's a little bit like how did that dude just cover 50 feet of ground and take out five bad guys and we're all still back here you know dialing in air support how did that happen and who the hell's backing that guy up cause he's out there by himself right now right so it it does get to be that kind of flow in their minds they might be meditative but they're also the ones that go back to camp afterwards with no with no aftershock right they're the guys that go back and have a beer and then they're telling jokes about how they almost [ __ ] their pants and they're they're special they're typically the special forces guys right i would imagine they become special forces yeah a lot of those guys are guys that have tested themselves in some kind of tier one special operating capacity but every now and then you'll find well there's there's a great story so i did a podcast series with a deep cover officer who spent a lot of time embedded with tier one operators if you go if you look up the everyday espionage podcast that's my podcast and if you look up episodes where they're titled ed jackal everyday ed jackal jackal was this awesome guy and he tells this great story about a medic who was one of these flow state operators but he was just a medic and then one day there was a fire fight and this medic just tapped into his flow state and he did things that nobody even thought was possible and his nickname from that day forward became god because either he was a god or god had a special place for him in heaven to make it so that this guy just was untouchable yeah that's that's exactly what i was wondering about because um did you ever see the movie blackhawk down i have and i read the book too yeah loosely based on a true story right yep and you could see the difference between those uh green gree uh rangers and the delta force guys and they really illustrated that that extreme difference how calm the delta force guys stayed under pressure even in the face of sure certain death yeah i always remember the ending scene when that delta force guy got all those uh rangers out of the uh uh of the combat zone or whatever i'm gonna show the exact term but got him out of that zone and then he grabbed was like a bagel grabbed the coffee and just walked right back and commented guys yeah and delta guys are like that delta guys are the most unassuming people in the world man they are you would never know that you're standing next to one until you saw them in action and then just like and then afterwards you would doubt that you actually saw them do what you just thought you saw them do because they pick up a playboy and they kick up their shoes and they drink their coffee yeah that's a certain mentality i'm sure and a rare breed but that's what i was curious about cool i love cool moments man i've seen guys like that uh that are they can't even teach i've seen guys like that with women and it's not as dangerous but i've seen guys where they're not very assuming but they get around women like in a bar or a really high pressure situation and suddenly this charisma and this personality comes out that's so spontaneous and so on point and so and flow they're no longer thinking and they're just doing yeah they tend to be amazing they tend to be terrible teachers um because they can't put words to what they're feeling yeah no it's all coming through them there's a guy i used to know his name was uh they called him savage and his name was jason and he was my hype my look he was about he he could have been my brother and i would go out with him and he during the day he was like yeah my life sucks he lived in a band he had no he had no real life my life sucks i can't believe it you know i haven't done this there was this mumbly kind of and i'm like this guy the first time i met him thinking this guy's good with women exactly this guy and then we go out to a bar that night and he walks in the bar and he starts doing this weird rocking thing just gently rocking back and forth and i'm watching what's he doing and you just see his energy starting to come through his body and his light his eyes light up his face lights up and he suddenly looks around and a whole new personality like like he was possessed comes out of him and he grabs the first girl yanks her over starts flirting with her and this is what i was learning i was just watching he's like brian grab me that girl and he's talking to this girl as i pull this girl over he turns to her so i was talking to her and he's just going like a machine like a bat out of hell and he's not thinking about [ __ ] and he's got next thing you know he's got six girls hanging around him he's flirting up a storm everything he does seems to work and there's like magic flowing out of him so this is the kind of guy in a dating situation and and all guys that have done a lot of bar game have hit those flow states where they feel like they can do no wrong this guy could just hit it so consistently it was like a part of him but he was depressed miserable and he was ruled by his emotions man yeah it was the same the same feelings that made him strong in the bar scene tore him down when he was on his own yeah yeah he would have highs and then crashes highs and then crashes so um awesome uh let's do we're almost an hour and a half we don't typically go over an hour and a half let's do one more last question and then uh if you're good with that and then we'll close out for the day but this is awesome so far so uh what's our what's our last question chance um oh you got a long one uh igor again uh in case i get get lucky with one well played igor well played thank you how often do you emphasize with your target to the point of questioning your mission or it's an interesting question or is uh or is this another one of those uh camera questions so this is uh it's a it's a really great question so there there is a there is a uh event that we call falling in love with our assets in the field and it's not about romantic love but it's exactly what igor is talking about here when you connect to your target so closely that you start to question am i doing the right thing what i'm doing is is compromising this person's safety health well-being their whole future in their life right especially if they're like married with kids they're in a trusted position with their government or with their corporation and all the sudden what i have them doing right now puts all of that at risk is it worth ruining this man's life his family his children everything or this woman's life for a few secrets that help american policy makers have an advantage in negotiation table right it's a really really hard place to be uh and a lot of times what cia will do is it will keep an eye on us so that it can identify when we have when we start to close that empathy gap when we start to get to a place where we're too close to our asset and then they'll drive us to do what's known as a turnover where you basically transition who's in charge of meeting with that asset to someone else it's a way of institutionalizing the relationship but it's also a way of making sure that the officers don't get too close to their target it absolutely happens um and it's it is a it is a difficult place to be when you realize the human impact that an operation is making in a negative way not just a positive way great question yeah i guess it's hard when you got morals and you're asked to do certain things yeah and when you're i mean cia cia hires us and vets us to make sure that we are moral grounded you know people that are practical and pragmatic and loyal but just enough outside of the boundaries that we're willing to do this other stuff so it you can see how delicate of a dance it is it's not it's not that dissimilar to what we're trying to teach your students too right you want to be you want to be vulnerable and authentic and real but you're also being systematic in how you approach this female um and some at the right point in time at the wrong point in time some women might see that as as you know offensive at the right point in time they'll see it as you know productive and constructive and uh and empowering but this is it's a very similar parallel we got a lot of gray areas i'm i'm guessing you're playing in all the time and so um you know and if you have too much of a conscience you could live in a lot of regret the rest of your life you know a lot of good but maybe there was a lot of people that got hurt because of the good you did so that that creates that gray area so i don't know if that's been your experience but yeah it's absolutely been the experience and that's why we keep the focus on the intention right you you'll stay clear of getting into dark gray areas when you remember why you're doing it remember that you're keeping americans safe you're keeping your family safe same thing with with systematically approaching a female to build a relationship you're doing it to maximize connection to maximize your your value to her as a partner that's always going to outweigh whether or not you're you know pre-planning what you're going to say at the bar in advance right this is this is yeah this is very interesting um because a lot of my students they come to me and it takes them a while to really get out of their head and get into their body get flowing but i was i was just thinking about and this is kind of maybe i jumped topics just a bit here i was thinking about the motivation here you got a spy and this spy is under and we talked about this earlier a bit spy's under immense pressure and he's he's got a job that's greater than him he's serving his country his people he's out there um i don't know why uh siri's trying to turn on me go away siri she heard you say spy she was interested can you still hear me yeah you're good man okay i didn't get that could you try again that's siri shut up there we go there we go siri's gone uh just turned on randomly so uh so this the spy is serving his country the spy is doing something greater than himself hopefully he's also getting a paycheck uh so there's a lot a lot of stuff that's that's beyond just him and uh or her and what that person wants the average client that comes to us wants to get laid there's a there's a very and what i find was when your focus becomes getting women to get validated to get laid just to get laid to just get validated just to get something the the job of teaching you becomes ten times harder than if you're if you have a greater purpose than you in doing it like if you're trying to build a great relationship and make women's lives better your life better go out and find a sense of purpose as a man become powerful as a man that's much easier person to teach than the guy who's like i just want to get laid i want to feel validated a stroke my ego um do you get those guys yeah i i so the thing that's really powerful for me is the i love i love getting clients that are tapped into their sexual energy and when i hear someone say i just want to get laid or i hear someone say i'm obsessed with sex or i'm a sex addict or whatever it might be right i love talking to those people because what i know is that they have never learned how to transmute their sex energy into anything other than sex energy and the only way that you transmute that energy is by connecting to a partner who essentially becomes the conduit to transform all of that sexual tension into other productive forms of energy had i not met my wife i don't know what i would be but i would not be anywhere near as successful as i am now i wouldn't be as wealthy i wouldn't be as well known i wouldn't be as productive because all of my energy was going into getting laid once i met my wife she became my fiance i trusted her i loved her i knew that i could be open and vulnerable with her all of that sexual energy that used to go into getting laid all of a sudden was free to go do other productive things and i knew i had a beautiful smoking hot lady who was ready to have sex with me whenever i wanted to right or whenever she wanted to because one of the best things about a connected relationship is sometimes she comes on to you so like that's what i love about connecting these guys who are like i'm focused on getting laid okay that's cool let me show you how to tap into this awesome energy the folks who come in already knowing they want connection that's they're three steps ahead of the other guy they're that much closer to unlocking just unlimited productivity unlimited energy for the rest of their life so yeah but for me it's i certainly enjoy both types of people because i know one is just ignorant of the power they have while the other one is that much closer to getting it i love what you just said because that's 100 true you know a woman can we can channel our energy into so much creativity because that's what creative energy is uh it's such a beautiful thing uh but what about this uh the guy i think you're talking about slightly different than the guy i'm talking about and the reason i say that i wanna is because a lot of the guys we get are in their heads and they want to they don't want to get validated but they're terrible getting laid they never get laid they haven't come late in years and so they're actually pushing women away and that's why they want it so bad and so and we help them get past that and so there's a different there's a huge frustration in their bodies and now because they haven't been laid in so long they want it so bad that cycle is just becomes pure pain for them i'm sure yeah yeah i'm sure and and that pain is coming from that pain is another form of energy so when you can connect them with the skills they need to make the human connection that takes away the pain of not getting laid puts that getting laid uh that getting laid priority it puts it on any kind of predictable pattern oh man all that pain energy is turned into something productive again and it's just off to the races your business doubles in a year your three promotions in in two years right whatever you're traveling the world you're living life with a smile on your face because because of the human connection not just because you got laid yeah yeah well human connection it's all of it together sexual energy heart energy all that so you said you weren't going to get spiritual you got a little spiritual with us sex is spiritual what can you say it's all part of this you know the hole so so um awesome it was great having you on the call today uh it's actually was super fantastic and um we look forward to having you at the integrated man summit talking about sexbianage for those of you that came in the call late check out the greater man summit there's a link in the chat andrew's going to be talking about sexpinage and uh and actually do a quick commercial for for your integrated man's sex minos because you can say it way better than i can that's what you were to talk about so yeah i'm super excited to get folks at tim so i can teach them about not just how sex is used in espionage but how sex is used as a tool by operatives to boost everything from mental clarity to physical health and physical power and then i'm also super excited because one of the things that's so powerful about sex and espionage is that introverts have a distinct advantage over extroverts which is something that nobody ever anticipates people think that extroverts have this like edge on how to talk to people and how to be social when in fact they're dead wrong right introverts have a distinct advantage in making conversation having conversations controlling conversations directing conversations when it comes to managing a relationship or systematically creating a meaningful connection uh introverts just own the day but they don't know it because they haven't heard me talk about sexbionage yet so if you're an introvert especially and you think you have some kind of disadvantage in meeting women tims is the place to go come to the integrated man summit i want to teach you about how spies do this because it'll the day after you leave the conference it'll never be the same awesome that that sold me i'm going to be there so guys definitely check out the link put the link back in there for anybody that hasn't seen it uh chance if you can and uh if you want to do it online too we have an online version if you want to be part of the vip group which is the private talk uh with everybody that's going to be speaking at the integrated man so i mean your chance to ask andrew some of these uh sex being asked questions off camera so nobody sees it nobody hears what your question is that's a uh something that i would take advantage of right away cause i'm sure that will sell out very very quickly um so again andrew i want to thank you for being on the call it's awesome having you maybe we can have you on again before uh tim's we'll see because tim's a little ways away uh and would you guys like that i i think you guys would like that i i've watched it everybody was really happy so um i just got a huge ego boost when he said the introvert thing so uh is this video uploaded on youtube already so yeah so guys really want to watch it yeah i'm here anytime and it's i mean this is exactly where i want to be right helping people change their life bring it on it's this is where the fun happens yeah that's that's exactly what it's about it makes me feel uh the more i do this every year the uh the more it changes my life so i got to be honest maybe that's in the wrong direction but there's a bit of selfishness in it too okay guys have a beautiful day and we'll see you in the next video and remember only the confident really lived