Hello, welcome to your fake appointment and welcome to my fake office. I'm your fake chiropractor. Can I please crack all of your bones for fun? Okay, cool. Um, do you want me to start with the bones on your head or the bones on your body?
Okay, I'll start with the bones on your head and then I'm gonna move- to the bones on your body Just so you know all the science. I'm about to say if I do in fact say any science is like Speculative and it's just based off of Things that I assume about the human body based on my experience as a human, and none of it is based on the field of medicine or anything that I have learned therein, as I have not in fact been therein. The only field I... been in is flowers.
I'm gonna start with cracking your ears, alright? I'm going to grab your ears by just pulling them, pulling them, and pulling them just like that, okay? So I'm gonna start on this side and you can just relax your head, alright?
I'll hold the back of your head with my hand, there we go. I'm just gonna grab your ear. and three two one good I think there's still one more crack in there so we'll do three two one and one more time three two one Alright, now let's try the other one. Just relax, relax.
It's very important for you to relax for lactic acid reasons. Okay. 3, 2, 1. Good.
3, 2, 1. Good. And 3, 2, 1. Lucy goosey wiggly ears We want to keep your ears wiggly wiggly Lucy goosey, okay, and now I'm gonna go behind you alright, so This is gonna be good because it's gonna give you a chance to acquaint yourself With your body because I know that you're not used to this body So I'm gonna let you acquaint yourself with your body I'm gonna go ahead and go behind you and then I'm gonna crack your neck, alright? Okay How do you like your body? That's your hand, and that's your other hand, and this is your back.
These are my hands, and during today's session I'm going to give you a little bit of a back massage, but mostly we're going to focus on cracking and cracking on your back. And we'll crack. We'll do a couple cracks on your lower back and your legs and feet as well, okay?
But right now, we're going to do your head. So, I'm going to ask you to just relax your head. Alright, relax.
And three, two, one. Good. Now let's do the other side. Three, two, one. Good.
I think that's how you can go a little bit more, okay? Relax, just let your weight go into this hand, okay? 3, 2, 1. One more.
3, 2, 1. There you go, that was a good one. Let's do, let's see if we can get another one on this side, okay? 3, 2, 1. Good.
3, 2, 1 How does that feel? Excellent I'm glad it feels nice and loosey loosey loosey goosey Alright, now let's go back in front and get started on your back, okay? So, how's your back been feeling lately? Have you had any pain? A little bit of tension?
Can I ask what you do for work? Or do you do any physically intense hobbies? Lots of sitting. And lots of standing.
And sitting. Yeah. A lot of people do that.
Okay, I'll do my best. It's a pretty frequent issue, standing and sitting. I wish you know humans could take a break from all of that sometimes But the thing is is that laying down for a really long time also give you back pain so I Think the best solution sometimes is just to play video games I'll start with your shoulders right here, and I'll just give them a little bit of a feel A little bit of massage Going down your spine just like this I do feel a little bit of unevenness here that might be from the walking The way that you walk. Yeah, I feel a little bit in your hip right here as well. So we'll work on loosening all of that up, okay?
Oh, sorry I was kneeling on your hand. Why didn't you tell me silly goose? Okay, let's start on your shoulders.
All right right here in the mid back Are you ready for some big cracks? Okay, take a deep breath in for me Good good Breathe out Good. And again, breathe in.
Nice and deep. Breathe in. Breathe in.
And out. Breathe all out. Very good.
That was a lot of cracks right there. Let's give you a little bit of a shoulder massage here Let's see if we can crack this shoulder blade a little bit okay? Three, two, one 3, 2, 1 Alright, on this other side right here 3, 2, 1 Yeah, rotate your shoulders a little bit See how that feels Nice, right? Okay. Now I'm going to crack your arms a little bit, alright?
And then I'll move onto your wrists and your fingers. This is a very soft shirt that you have. I really like it. Alright, now I'm just going to pull your arm and you'll feel a big crack all the way from your shoulder through your elbow, okay?
3, 2, 1. Let's do that one more time. 3, 2, 1. Very good. Let's do your fingers, alright?
3, 2, 1, pinky! Ring, middle, pinky Ring, middle Pointer Thumb I love your little gloves, by the way. They're so sanitary.
I appreciate you, you know, staying clean. Let's do a little bit of an elbow crack, alright? Focusing right here on this elbow.
3, 2, 1. Alright. Okay, now let's move on to your other side, okay? Now this arm was the one that you said you were feeling some pain in, right?
Okay, I'll try to focus a little bit more, especially on this shoulder region, okay? Let's see if we can get one more good crack in here on the shoulder, okay? Can you breathe in for me?
In, out. Now let's tug on this arm a little bit, okay? Three, two, one. Very good. Now let's go ahead and get these fingers cracked too.
Thumb, pointer, middle, ring, pinky. Thumb, pointer, middle, ring, pinky, and let's get that elbow. 3, 2, 1. 3, 2, 1. Excellent.
Excellent. Okay, now I do want to focus a little bit more on this mid-back region. So, I'm just going to ask you to relax and I'm going to massage it a little bit, okay? I'm going to massage right here next to the spine, really going in with my thumbs all the way down your spine, okay? Are you enjoying psychologically inhabiting this body?
Good? I'm so glad to hear that. Okay, now let's do the other side of your spine right here I'm just gonna go in with my elbow a little bit, okay, and make sure we really loosen up these lumbar muscles. Right here. Really going in.
And getting the other side as well. We want to make sure that we keep your back evenly loose. Because as they say, if you're not evenly loose, you're going to be an uneven goose. I want to make sure to get some of these muscles right towards the base of your spine.
And let's see if we can crack this a little bit, okay? 3, 2, 1. And on this other side. 3, 2, 1. Excellent, very good. Okay, now I'm gonna ask you to turn on your side for me.
We're gonna give a big crack all the way down your back, okay? So let's turn you onto this side. You can just go ahead and put your arm right underneath. Just like that. Very good.
Let's take your leg, put it over that one. Excellent. Okay, now I'm just going to brace you on your shoulder and hip right here. And three, two, one. Very good.
Now let's do that on the other side, okay? What broad shoulders you have. Okay, are you ready?
Three, two, one. Excellent, you did a great job. Now let's move on to your legs, okay? Alrighty, now I'm just gonna get down on the floor with you, because that's a little bit easier for me, since I don't have a fake massage table for my, um, fake chiropractor office.
Um, so I hope that you don't mind, but this is gonna get a little bit even less realistic now, okay? Are you alright with that? Okay, excellent.
I think consent is very important even when you're engaging in fantasy And I think that you should think that too because it's the correct opinion to have But also if you don't have that opinion, it's okay because we can just pretend like you do. Alright? Now, I'm just gonna fix your shirt a little bit here And smooth down your flat flat legs Alright, now in order to crack your legs, I'm just gonna pull them by the ankle and you should feel a deep crack coming from all the way over here through your hip, alright? You should feel a crack coming all the way from here.
All the way. Are you ready? 3, 2, 1 Let's do that one more time 3, 2, 1 3, 2, 1 3, 2, 1 Good And now your other leg 3, 2, 1 3, 2, 1 Let's do one more time. Three, two, one. Excellent, good job.
And are you okay with me disembodying your feet so I can crack your toes too? Okay, excellent. Your socks do have a lot of cat hair on them, but it's okay because I don't mind. Now I'm just gonna crack your toes one by one. Are you ready?
Let's do that one more time for good measure. Very good and on your other foot How does that feel? Good And let's do that one more time okay? You've been such a good sport for me today.
Thank you very much for letting me crack your back that you enjoyed it. Would you like me to crack anything else? The air? I think I can crack the air. Um, do you mean like, just like...
Like that? Sure, I can try to do it like on either side of the of the of your visual Framework if that would be pleasant All right three two one Good let's do that again three two one Okay, and now let's get on the other side 3, 2, 1 3, 2, 1 And then this side again 3, 2, 1 And now breathe in for me 3, 2, 1 Very good Very, very, very, very, very good job. You've been an excellent fake patient today. I hope that you're feeling a lot fake better.
And I hope that even in real life you're feeling better. I hope you're feeling fake better and real better and I hope that your imagination has improved during this exercise because I think sometimes fake feeling better until you feel real better is a pretty valid way to start feeling real better eventually and I believe in you. I really do. I at least fake believe in you and I have a really good imagination so I think I can make it real one day. Um, I hope you come back for another appointment but if you don't then I would really appreciate it if you at least left a positive Yelp review or or wherever chiropractors get reviewed.
And I hope you have a good rest of your day. Okay, make sure to get a lot of rest and drink a lot of fluids because there's something about cracking your back that makes you have to drink fluids. I learned that from watching a lot of back cracking videos on YouTube.
the chiropractor always says to drink lots of fluids. So I think you should do that, and by fluids I mean water. Water is the healthiest fluid, unless you're deficient in something, in which case drink something that has whatever it is you're deficient in.
whether that's sugar or protein or even fat, okay? You can drink some watermelon juice or cranberry juice or pineapple juice if you want sugar. And if you want protein, then you can drink a protein shake.
Shaky, shaky, shaky. But also, water's the best, so probably just drink water and eat a snack, okay? Good night, sleep well, eat well, drink well, and I'll see you next time