Okay, I don't know what my hair is doing today because it looks good from this side and it looks good from this side But from this side What is this? Like what what are you doing? Anyway Today we're talking about 1950s dating culture.
Because modern dating culture sucks. There is casual dating, there is multiple partners, no end goal inside. People are just doing it for fun. It's nothing like the 1950s and the way- they approached love and marriage, where the feelings were real and definite and never changed and there was no space for vagueness... Wait.
Welcome and brace yourselves because boy, is it a ride. 1950s dating culture is absolutely not what you think it is in so many ways, I don't even know where to start. But let's start with narrowing down our little study. First of all, we're going to be focusing on the American dating culture. I imagine some customers...
were similar in other countries at the time, but some were probably very American, like my grandparents probably didn't go on dates in a diner. But I feel like especially in teen culture, the whole system of American dating was very developed and in many ways completely unlike what we do nowadays, and in many ways it was completely identical. Speaking of teen culture, a lot of the material that I found was directed towards teens or young adults.
It is a little difficult not impossible of course but it is a little difficult to find dating advice concerning people in their like late 20s early 30s so a lot of what i found is concerning younger people so just a disclaimer without further ado let's jump into it so as we all know people in you old age dated primarily to fall in love at first sight find an ideal partner to marry and start a family unless Yeah, in 1950s dating was primarily a pastime. It was a lot less serious in a lot of ways. You could date multiple partners at once, you could date people in turns, you could ask whoever you like, be- your friend, your friend's friend, your friend's boyfriend, didn't matter. And when refused, you would just move on and ask someone else. No big deal.
In Your Dating Days, a book from 1954 about dating, this is said about modern dating. Times have changed. In the present day young people associate in large groups with little chance to know each other well. Unlike society a generation or so ago, modern life makes a get acquainted period necessary before young people can safely have a serious interest in each other. Casual dating engaged in for the most part without any serious intent of courtship and marriage has become a popular form of recreation and provides for this get acquainted period.
This new dating pattern has has come to be favored as families have become more mobile and as young people have found themselves in association with others whose backgrounds and philosophies of life they do not know. Through dating the young person comes to see that there are a number of people with whom he or she could be happy in marriage and that there are others with whom he or she could not possibly get along. This practice of circulating or casual dating is very common among high school and college young people who delay serious consideration of marriage for the sake of their marriage.
of an education. For them dating offers an interesting pastime and also makes it possible to take part in social activities that are designed for pairs. Most modern social functions are planned for couples rather than for whole families, unlike social gatherings of the past generations.
Although the book also says that half the boys in high school rarely or ever date and same goes for around 40% of high school girls, from those that do date only 43% supported the idea of golf. study so basically going studies dating one partner exclusively and not seeing other people and parents didn't really mind this tendency because it was widely considered a good idea to have as many partners as you can at a young age the reasoning was the more people you get acquainted with the better you are at specifying what you're looking for in your future spouse and because sex was still very taboo there was little risk of your kid getting in trouble So as I mentioned dating was super casual to the point everybody dated everybody. Whatever taboos we have about it nowadays like dating someone's ex, dating your friend's brother, dating your friend's boyfriend, anything short of incest was basically okay. Like someone in the boy dates girl guide from 1955 asked if dating your friend's girlfriend was okay and the answer is not very straightforward and the conclusion is yeah maybe you should ask them first.
Like so the usual process was that you are seeing all these different people Sometimes you would see like a couple of different people in a week You had all these different people interested in you and you were sort of like seeing Which people you vibe with the best and then if there was one person standing out They would either ask you to go steady or you could ask them to go steady. So that meant asking them to be your exclusive girlfriend or boyfriend that that also meant that you will stop seeing other people. And as an additional confirmation either initially or after a while of going steady A girl would be given a ring by the boy and she would give the boy a pin.
So this was like a symbolic going steady engagement and it was also called getting pinned because of that pin, obviously. Now sadly despite this it still wasn't a guarantee of not getting played. Also going steady was very informal and it could dissolve over time.
Like you could one day just find out that your boyfriend is seeing other people and you'd be like, oh so we're not steady anymore. I'm sunk for almost a year I've been going steady and everything was fine until suddenly my steady started dating others what can I do and the answer is you can mope around and be miserable remembering all those little things that made your heart sing and counting the broken pieces you can choke down your pride ask what happened and perhaps if it was your fault patch things up or you can choke the whole thing up to experience take a new lease on life and get going Don't kid yourself for a moment that you're the only one whose stack of blocks has taken a tumble. It happens here, there and everywhere.
What matters is how you take it, chin up or chin down in your hands. And now is the time for you to make up your mind which."So basically she's like, it happens to everyone, don't worry about it. And this is also proved in these letters from the dating advice column in the comic series Boy Loves Girl, which was published between 1952 to 1956. so it's all those teenage girls asking for advice like dear Agnes Holmes I went out with a boy named Ralph for almost two years and I've always been very much in love with him a couple of months ago he started taking me out less often and he keeps talking about what good friends we are miss Holmes I don't want to be just friends with Ralph dear Agnes Holmes I'm going steady with a boy that's in the army and I love him very much he told me he loved me before he left Then the other day I received a letter from him saying he likes someone better than me, but he still loves me He's in Korea now. Please help me And the answer is I think it would be a good idea if you drop this going steady idea and started keeping yourself busy With other boys. This is a legit advice that a grown-up person gave to a teenage girl You should be seeing other people you can continue writing to the boy in Korea But certainly it would be wrong to give up dates with other boys under the circumstances. So basically you should not be faithful to him because he's not faithful to you. Maybe when your boyfriend gets back home and the two of you can spend time together again, you'll decide you want to go study again, but for now you'd better consider him just a friend. So just to grasp the whole what I mean when I say casual dating, I'm gonna read you some diary entries from a book Dating, Mating and Marriage from 1958. Like from all of these books this one was the most scientific one and it was meant for grown-ups because it has some pretty heavy topics as well. So this diary was written by Susie who was 14 at the time. I'm just gonna read some bits because it's a long story but Dear Diary, well I'm now going steady with how. He gave me his great ring. I don't know if I should have done this. I like him well enough but Jack is the one I really love. I can't seem to get him though. He used to look at me once in a while and he even sat next to me in a cafeteria once. Susie says he asked about me and she was sure he would call me sometime but he hasn't and I wonder what is the matter tomorrow we have a history test but I can't put my mind to it I keep thinking of Jack and wondering why he never tumbles oh why should I care at least I have Hal for now dear diary something wonderful happened today Jack sat next to me in cafeteria today I almost spilled my soup he kidded around with Susie and hardly looked at me at first I gave Susie a signal signal and she left the table as soon as she finished her lunch. Hal came in late and boy, did he give me a dirty look. I don't care though. Jack is the one I love. He's wonderful. Dear diary, I gave Hal back his ring today. He was mad, but I don't care. I went to the basketball game with Ted. I looked around for Jack, but he wasn't there. I wonder where he was. I only went to see him. Dear diary, Jack and I had a fight. He refuses even to talk to me. Why should I care? Why? Because I love him madly. I never had such a hard time with any boy before dear diary going steady with Hal again He says he loves me Jack doesn't mind Dear diary how came up to the bleakers while I was babysitting tonight. He tried, but I wouldn't let him I think I should remain true to Jack dear diary. Guess what Jack finally said he loves me after all this time I could hardly believe it. Dear diary, it gets complicated having two boyfriends at the same time. Hal came to the Bleakers and while he was there, Jack called. I had to stall him off. Hope Hal didn't catch on. Dear diary, Jack hasn't called me yet. It's almost a week now. I'm really worried about him. Peterr came by this afternoon and asked what was the matter with Jack. There is a dance at the canteen tomorrow night. Larry asked me to go with him. All right, I will. I hope Jack is there and sees me. I'll dance as close to Larry as his skin. Who cares? cares about Jack? Dear diary, beach party for the Sunday school kids. Hal and I found a lovely spot, if you know what I mean. I like him better all the time. He's getting to know his way around, if you know what I mean. Around me is what I mean. What the hell, Susie? You're 14. Dear diary, I've decided to tell Jack not to come to the bleakers anymore when I'm babysitting there. He called me there again when Hal was there. What shall I do, diary? I love Jack just terribly. Why do I let Hal go so far? Why did I tell him I would go steady? with him. I cry whenever I think of Jack. Dear diary, there is a new roller skating ring just opened after Thanksgiving. Went with Al Sweet. Ran into Hal. He says Hal told Boy he doesn't want to go with me anymore. So what? Who wants to go steady with him? I'd like to know. Had lots of fun with a new boy, Les Greeley. He asked me to go out with him to the movies, but I had another date with Chuck. She's for the streets. Dear diary, big surprise. Tom Parker, the boy who always used to be so dirty. took me to the basketball game. He even has good manners now. What a change. Dear diary, I like Tom a lot. I asked Elton to find out if Tom likes me. I was hoping he would want to go with me, but he doesn't. I'll just keep trying. Maybe Jack has been telling him things about me. Dear diary, who cares about Tom anyway? Who cares about anyone, in fact? Not I. Dear diary, I didn't stay hard hole and fancy free very long. Peter Hal and I are going together. Not steady exactly because- Sam, He, Dick, Bill and Jack are still around and I date them from time to time. Jack is still the main event. Dear diary, just a week ago and the above is already ancient history. I'm going with Dick gone. So now everything happens. Our sweet told me in the hall today that Hal would like to go steady with me again. And then to top it off, Jack called after the game tonight. Was I pleased and happy? But Dick has given me his ring and I gave him my pin. Boy, was I mad. at Angie she goes around saying that I'm sexy and a flirt what business is it of hers anyway no one likes her that's for sure even the girls dear diary went out with Fred he kissed me he's alright but not top drawer dear diary everything has gone to pot the girls won't even speak to me anymore so as you see even going steady wasn't permanent didn't really keep you from seeing other people even if it was supposed to you could go steady multiple times with the same person because you would just like break it off and then see other people and then get together again. So sounds like a mess to me to be honest, like she's juggling all these boys and it must be exhausting. What's even more hilarious when I think of the image of 1950s love life that we have and what I just read. Going steady was not even the end goal. People didn't want to have exclusive girlfriends or boyfriends because then they couldn't have fun anymore. I don't like the idea of going steady, but how else can a girl be sure of having dates. To go steady or not to go steady, that is the question. Whether to snobbler in the mind to suffer with uncertainties about next Friday's date or to take battle against these monopolists who want you for their own. Yes, that's the priority question. Do you battle or do you suffer? So basically people were going steady not only because oh they fell in love and that was the person that I wanted to be with but mostly because then... they didn't have to worry about having a date to all these events that were always for like couples so that makes sense to me It's also good to know that while parents didn't mind their children casually dating Once you were going steady with someone and it was getting serious This could be an issue like if your parents did not approve of the person that you were going steady with They could intervene and break it off Whereas when you were just casually dating parents didn't really mind because it wasn't serious in their eyes Because dating was so casual asking out was also not a big deal. Girls were usually asked out by boys which was frustrating when you wanted someone to ask you out and they didn't because there wasn't much you could do. So here is here is some ideas on how the boy should ask the girl out. According to the Boy Dates Girl book, just as a straight line is the shortest distance between two points, so a straight question is the shortest and surest way of getting a date. Guess who this is over the phone, or what you're doing? one of these first nights. Maybe the boy's idea of a cagey approach, but girls say it's strictly off the cob. Don't beat about the cornfield, go straight to the point. How about a date Friday night? That's all unless you have some special entertainment. in mind. If so, tell her in advance. She'll be a much better bowling or skating date if she dresses down in saddle shoes rather than up in high heels. So be straightforward and tell her what your plans are so she can prepare in advance. Which fair, like I feel like it still makes sense nowadays. So boys were asking girls, but girls were allowed to ask boys for a party or a prom. However, it was then expected that she will pay for the date. She would also- have to buy the prom tickets herself. In the Today's Woman magazine from 1952 there was a column about recent studies on people's opinion on dating and marriage and they asked people is it alright for a girl to ask a boy for a date. Both men and women say no unless the couple is engaged. Men are more tolerant about this than women who vote against it by a whooping 4 to 1 majority. I have to say dating in the 50s sounds so fun Basically, you usually chose an activity that you could do together like skating bowling going to a diner or dances And you could go with your date. You could do double dates with another couple or you could do group dates where it's like a couple of couples. This honestly sounds so much better than oh can we grab a coffee someday like it sounds fun and another benefit was you got to see your date interact with different people in different settings which also allowed you to get to know them better. This is gonna get spicy. Here is like a quick dictionary, like I've analyzed these books and I got all the lingo that you need. Here is a quick dictionary of 1950s physical activities you could indulge in on a date. So first of all you obviously kissing which is self-explanatory I guess it was also pretty casual like you would do it on the first date no problem necking so this could be like more passionate kissing you know how in old movies ladies always like kind of like put their necks back. Like this could be it or it could be getting hickeys, it depends, but it was basically like more naughty kissing. Petting, it was pretty much an activity that did not include kissing. It didn't have to be that dirty, like it could just be cuddling or hugging, but it was sometimes the more dirty stuff and when someone was doing the nasty, they usually referred to it as petting in the modern way we think about it. So yeah, well I'm not gonna go into detail. Also parking, so... As a young person in the 50s, you could do the double dates, the group dates, or you could do dates in public spaces, or you could ask a guy over to your home where your parents were, or your family was at the time. So there was only one place where you would be allowed total privacy and that was his car, or just a car that you got. So teens quickly realized benefits of a dim parking lot and would sometimes even host parking parties. So if someone... asked you to go parking in the 50s it did not mean oh I need to practice parallel parking um it meant something else it didn't have to be straight up sex like it could just be kissing or hugging getting fresh so a boy getting fresh was basically a boy getting too excited and sadly that was usually considered to be the girl's fault like you made him excited in general when it comes to getting action in the 1950s it was the girls that were expected to to set the boundaries in terms of how much they would allow to happen. But they were also blamed when things got out of hand. And on the other hand, if they were too prude, it could also affect their dating choices. Some girls complain that if they don't neck, they won't get dates. If you're a guest at a party where necking seems to be the main form of entertainment, how can you avoid it? Think fast and talk faster. Of course, it's a poor host or hostess who allows a party to deteriorate. right into a necking session, but this is one time when you're under no obligation to follow the leader. And don't kid yourself by thinking that being a good sport means doing everything the crowd does. The reason that situations like this arise is that no one has the forethought and courage to become a leader in the opposite direction. If you have the courage of your convictions that affection should be honest and not for public display, then follow through. Politely decline to participate and change the subject or conversation. and activity. And then there's this one which sounds both funny and sad because of how modern it is. If you don't want to kiss a fellow, how can you refuse without making him mad? The answer here is more in what you do than in what you say. If you don't want him in a mellow mood, then don't make with the moonlight. Don't stand at the door for 15 minutes giggling and shivering or giving him a starry-eyed stare. Again, if the boy wants something from you, then it's... probably your fault that's the logic that we're following through here If you're complaining about modern man ghosting and only wanting one thing say no more, I got things for you. Dear Agnes Holmes, I used to live in Detroit. but a few months ago we moved to New Orleans. I've been writing to the boy I used to go with in Detroit but he hasn't answered any of my letters except the first one I sent him. I feel terrible about this. I write him twice every week and in each letter I ask him to answer me. My girlfriend in Detroit writes to me and she told me that when she asks my boyfriend why he doesn't write to me he won't tell her. Please can you tell me what to do? So ghosting and now we've got a case of a player here as well. Dear Agnes Holmes, I am 15 years old and I have liked a boy my own age for a long time. In fact, I liked him for a long time before he ever asked me out. Since we started dating, he has quit me three times for three different girls. The last time this happened, I started to like another boy who is 16 years old. I still like the first boy and now he wants me to go back with him. But I like the second boy too. Should I go back with the first boy and take a chance on his quit? quitting me again or stick to the second one. If I were you, I would go out with both boys. I don't think going steady makes much sense when there are other boys you want to date. There is lots of time for you being serious later on when you really fall in love and have no desire to spend time with anyone but the boy you love. For now, why not go out with any boy you'd enjoy spending time with? We also have a sad case of a 1950s f*** boy. This one's gonna be a bit more serious from the other book. The Then in March I met Tom. Tom was a senior. He was very mature and knew exactly what he wanted from life and exactly how he was going to get it. His parents were divorced and he had been raised by his mother. I think he must have been a little bitter because he had never dated any girl more than a few times and never intended to marry. He had a job in foreign sales which would mean living outside the country after a short training program. This was exactly what he wanted. Our first weeks together were the happiest I have ever... known. We had a relationship that was perfect in every way. I knew I was falling more in love with him every day. We were so completely happy together. He often told me that he wished we had met earlier because we had so little time before he was to graduate and leave. Tom meant everything to me. I loved him so much that I almost worshipped him. We had never had any problems or arguments until one night he suddenly asked me to have intercourse with him. We had had very little sex together. We always had so much fun. and had just never gotten to it. I think that although he was fond of me, he had no intention of marrying and when he realized how much I loved him, he thought he could talk me into it. I was shocked. It was a new idea to me and I had no defense. I had no one to talk to and no one could give me any advice. I thought about my parents more than anything else and what they would say if I became pregnant. I could think of nothing else. I was so afraid of losing Tom, but I didn't think I would get- gain anything by giving in except momentary happiness. I told Tom that I would give up school and marry him then, but he told me he knew I would never be happy away from my family and friends. I wanted him more than I ever wanted anything before, but finally in the end, I still think about it and wonder if I was right. I told him that I wouldn't give in. I never saw him again after that night. This whole experience was a great blow to my standards and has often made me stop and think about my goals and values. It made me very wary of men and let them and left me wondering if I could ever find love. So typically, when he didn't get what he wanted, he left. So a lot of the guides on dating focus on self-improvement, but it's not really what you think. Like the tips they give you are not shave your legs, you're disgusting, or use your makeup, you're ugly, but a lot of them have to do with being clean and tidy. wash your shirts. Some of them are focusing on social skills, like being good at conversation or making sure that everyone feels included, which, solid tips, honestly. But most of the tips to be dateable are quite boring and they sound a lot like modern dating tips, like be confident, be yourself, have interest. So again, nothing's changed. So whenever I research something from the past, I am in for a rude awakening. And it happened when I was reading Your Dating Days and got to the section What of Race? And I will say this section makes some good points about the problems that interracial couples face at the time but also the underlying tone is don't go for someone of a different race because it will get ugly and same conclusion is made about marrying a different nationality or marrying someone of different religions so Just icky Most engagements lasted six months to a year and about third of engagements got broken off I don't know what the statistics are nowadays. I feel like it's probably less of them gets broken off. How many Engagements 20% Okay so similar but less even though they were a lot more formal than going steady like engagement was properly like a big thing. It was also advised to always break off a bad engagement rather than go into a bad marriage because then you pull through and then you have a nasty divorce that is gonna be 10 times more scandalous. Breaking up was again a lot less formal and sometimes did not even happen because a steady relationship naturally sizzled out and you just started seeing other people you could do it more ostentatiously ostentatiously what is his voice you could do it more ostentatiously by by returning the pin or the ring that you were given as a sign of going steady. It was a little more complex, as I said, when you got engaged, because by that time you had the parents involved and you had the way of other people's expectations, but it definitely happened a lot. Also, apparently rebounds were always a thing because the Your Dating Days book states that all of us have heard or known of a person who married on the rebound, married the first person he could find a after broken engagement or marriage. Such marriages have very little chance of succeeding, for they are seldom based on a solid foundation of long acquaintance, similar backgrounds, attitudes, and plans. The individual who marries immediately after a broken engagement or divorce usually does so out of loneliness or a desire to prove to himself and others that somebody wants him. Again, pretty solid advice. Like, I know some rebounds that ended well, but a lot of them are just hurtful for... both parties. So what age did people get married? Again from the Today's Women from 1952, the column where they ask people their opinions. The ideal age for a man to marry is 25, for a woman 21 and there should be a one year engagement before the wedding. However, the Your Dating Days book dismisses that and according to it, 68% of women aged 20 to 24 were married compared to 86%. in the 25 to 34 age group. And it also shows that spouses over 28 years of age were the happiest. Regarding age gaps, the average age gap between the spouses was two and a half years in 1959, and it was considered best to have your spouse close to your own age. The one study showed that women with older men were the happiest age group. Regarding marrying late as a woman, it was perhaps even more normalized. than it is now. Even movies and TV shows consistently showed mature characters that were like out and looking for love, but at the same time it was way less likely to happen. Over 30 you had less than a 50% chance of marrying and over 40 those chances dwindled to 9%. This was one of the reasons why women often chose to drop their education, drop their career in their 20s because they were afraid that they're just not gonna find love after that age. Here's an interesting... section about risks that girls take in delaying marriage and I feel very called out by the section but those women today who find it desirable to delay marriage to train for and establish themselves in highly specialized business and professional careers do take some risks as far as marriage is concerned there are several other handicaps to the boys and young men she knew as a girl are already married the professions into which women most often go namely teaching social work library work and nursing are for the most part one-sex occupations which means that there are a few opportunities to meet marriageable men single women in their early 30s are further handicapped by the fact that men their own age are usually more attracted to younger women by the time a man is 35 he usually marries not a woman of 32 but rather a woman in her late 20s likewise a man in his late 20s is more likely to marry a girl in her middle or early 20s rather than one near his own age. Well this may be very helpful. Money management. So I know we have this image of 50s housewives being totally dependent on their husband's income and Being a slave to his finances, but more often than not it was not the case Yes husband could control all of the spending but it was often the responsibility of the wife. Sometimes they had separate bank accounts In fact, in 53% of British households, wife was handling the finances, and in American families, it was statistically almost like 50-50. In half of the families, wife was the one controlling the finances, and in half of the families, it was the husband. Wife... were also doing most of the buying for the family and for the household so it makes sense that they had to have control over the finances and spending however it is still true and worth noting that legally the money was property of the husband in most cases so it all depended on how he agreed to settle this So summing up, even though a lot of the things are pretty outdated, I think surprisingly there is some things that the 50s dating culture got right. I mean in a world where premarital sex was a rarity, casually dating as many people as you can sounds like a good idea. idea to find the one. What does not sound cool was the normalized infidelity that was the result of this, having to watch your friends date your crushes, or just never really knowing where you stand relationship-wise. But this is again... a very modern thing as well. So knowing what the teenagers dating culture was like, it makes a lot more sense to me why in all of those classic Hollywood movies you always get guys proposing like it's not a big deal. You would be washing the dishes and the guy is like, why don't you marry me? And the girl's like, Frank the milk is burning. And it's just so casual because if this is the way they approached dating, I'm pretty sure marriage was also not that big of a deal. Anyway, this was another episode. of the things have always been the same, people have always been the same series and every time I research something this is the conclusion I come to so yeah anyway that's all bye