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Review of AWA Winner Essay
Aug 23, 2024
Lecture Notes on AWA Winner Review
Introduction
Today's AWA winner: SWAT off from India
Date of essay: April 21, 2019
Personal note: Recently watched "Goalie Boy" – good movie recommendation.
Essay Prompt
Some believe the purpose of education is to free the mind and spirit.
Others argue that formal education restrains them.
Task: Discuss which view aligns with your own and explain reasoning, addressing both sides.
Essay Overview
SWAT off wrote an issue essay (450 words)
Introduction: Issues in phrasing and grammar noted.
Main Points of Review
Thesis and Argument Structure
Thesis: "I agree with the assertion that the purpose of education is to free the mind and spirit."
Outline of supporting ideas is unclear.
Grammar Issues
Run-on Sentences:
Example: "people are made conscious about many different things with the help of education they can think" needs a conjunction.
Awkward Phrasing:
Phrases such as "the dowry system used to be a compulsion in marriage" need better wording.
Subject-Verb Agreement:
Issues with using singular/plural pronouns (e.g., "beliefs and traditions").
Content Analysis
Education's Role:
Education allows for judgment and critical thinking about traditions (e.g., dowry system, superstitions).
Comparison of Generations:
Contemporary people are more educated and less conservative compared to previous generations.
Counterargument
Some believe formal education constrains freedom by enforcing theories and beliefs.
Education leads to subjectivity and personal perspectives.
Conclusion
Overall structure is good, but significant grammar issues impact clarity.
Recommended score: 3.0.
Recommendations for Improvement
Focus on Grammar:
Improve run-on sentences.
Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct pluralization.
Clarity and Structure:
Maintain clear ideas and connections between points.
Target for Future Scores:
With rapid improvement in grammar, achieving scores in the 4s or even 5s is possible.
Closing Remarks
Encouragement for SWAT off to work on grammar.
Acknowledgment of potential for higher scores with improved writing.
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