Review of AWA Winner Essay

Aug 23, 2024

Lecture Notes on AWA Winner Review

Introduction

  • Today's AWA winner: SWAT off from India
  • Date of essay: April 21, 2019
  • Personal note: Recently watched "Goalie Boy" – good movie recommendation.

Essay Prompt

  • Some believe the purpose of education is to free the mind and spirit.
  • Others argue that formal education restrains them.
  • Task: Discuss which view aligns with your own and explain reasoning, addressing both sides.

Essay Overview

  • SWAT off wrote an issue essay (450 words)
  • Introduction: Issues in phrasing and grammar noted.

Main Points of Review

Thesis and Argument Structure

  • Thesis: "I agree with the assertion that the purpose of education is to free the mind and spirit."
  • Outline of supporting ideas is unclear.

Grammar Issues

  • Run-on Sentences:
    • Example: "people are made conscious about many different things with the help of education they can think" needs a conjunction.
  • Awkward Phrasing:
    • Phrases such as "the dowry system used to be a compulsion in marriage" need better wording.
  • Subject-Verb Agreement:
    • Issues with using singular/plural pronouns (e.g., "beliefs and traditions").

Content Analysis

  • Education's Role:
    • Education allows for judgment and critical thinking about traditions (e.g., dowry system, superstitions).
  • Comparison of Generations:
    • Contemporary people are more educated and less conservative compared to previous generations.

Counterargument

  • Some believe formal education constrains freedom by enforcing theories and beliefs.
  • Education leads to subjectivity and personal perspectives.

Conclusion

  • Overall structure is good, but significant grammar issues impact clarity.
  • Recommended score: 3.0.

Recommendations for Improvement

  1. Focus on Grammar:
    • Improve run-on sentences.
    • Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct pluralization.
  2. Clarity and Structure:
    • Maintain clear ideas and connections between points.
  3. Target for Future Scores:
    • With rapid improvement in grammar, achieving scores in the 4s or even 5s is possible.

Closing Remarks

  • Encouragement for SWAT off to work on grammar.
  • Acknowledgment of potential for higher scores with improved writing.