Today, we're going to talk about how to become a different person. So a lot of people that I talk to fantasize about wanting a life transplant, right? So you wish that someone would come in and pluck you out of your current life and drop you into a different life, or you have tons of money and lots of people who love you.
We wish we could kind of do a life transplant. But even more people that I talk to wish that you could transplant someone else into your life. Because if you were actually a different person, if your personality was different, if you were more resilient, if you were more excited, then your life could be so different.
If a better version of you was actually living your life, then your life could be completely transformed. And that may sound crazy. That may sound impossible.
But we are actually going to teach you how to do that. And it turns out that we actually have evidence-based techniques. that do precisely that.
So before we get started, we really have to understand what is personality. And a lot of people may think like, oh, personality is just who I am and it's fixed. That's actually not true.
We scientifically know what personality is. And personality has three components. The first aspect of personality is the way that we interpret information.
The second is the way that we react to circumstances. And the third aspect of personality is the way that we behave. So if you sort of think about two different people with two different personalities, and we put them in the same scenario, their reactions will be different, right?
So if I have two different people of two different personalities, and they both get dumped by their significant other, their personality will determine how they behave in that situation. So one person may interpret the breakup as, I am insufficient as a human being, whereas another person may interpret that breakup as, We just grew into different human beings and we're no longer compatible. It says nothing about me and being insufficient. And this is something that I sort of learned working as an addiction psychiatrist. And when you work as an addiction psychiatrist, you deal a lot with something called personality disorders.
These are things like sociopathy or narcissism. And so if we look at people who are narcissistic, we can see how they interpret and react to situations in ways that are different from normal people, right? So the thing about a narcissist is everything is about them.
So even if I win first place in a chess competition, the narcissist is like, I can't believe you did that. You made me look so bad. I got second place and I can't believe you would do something so hurtful is get first place in this competition that I was competing in.
They take these ordinary circumstances and they interpret them as a personal attack. And then what happens is that the narcissist, it's not just that they. feel that way, right?
They also behave in a certain way. So then what they do is they go and talk to you about it and make you feel guilty for hurting them in some way. So they change their behavior and they start to do manipulative stuff. And then if you sort of think about it, why would a narcissist want to make you feel guilty?
Because ideally what they want you to do is apologize for winning first place and hurting their feelings. And then that'll make them feel better, right? So I got second place and you hurt me.
But if I can get you to apologize, then I will feel better about myself. Hey, y'all. I want to take a moment to talk about HG Groups.
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Skills like how to be an effective listener and communicate effectively. skills like how to be vulnerable so that you can allow yourself to authentically connect with another human being, skills like cultivating self-awareness so you understand where your motivation comes from, but also where self-sabotaging behavior comes from. And so if y'all are interested in learning more about groups and interested in learning a little bit about how you can develop competence and confidence to move forward in life, check out the link in the description below. And so this sounds kind of weird, but then like, okay, so if that's the case, how do we change that?
And so in psychiatry, what we did is develop evidence-based techniques to treat people who have severe personality defects. So we developed certain kinds of treatments like dialectical behavioral therapy, for example, treats people who have borderline personality disorder. There are other kinds of therapies that we've developed for people with antisocial personality disorder.
Those are people like sociopaths, people who have dependent personality disorder. These are people who tend to be like really dependent on others. And the cool thing is that eventually we got together and we put together all of this research on all of these specific therapies to fix these particular personality problems. And then a group of researchers got together and asked themselves, okay, what's the common element between all of these therapies? What do all of these therapies share?
What's the fundamental that allows us to change anyone's personality? And they settled on two major factors, metacognition and meta-emotion. And so what metacognition is, is the way that we think about our thoughts.
And what meta-emotion is, is the way that we feel about our emotions. So I'll give you all just a simple example of meta-emotion. So sometimes I will go to a party and I will feel socially anxious. Oh my God, I'm so anxious. I'm afraid.
And then after scrolling through my cell phone, you know, on the side for half an hour, the social anxiety gets too high and I decide to leave because no one's talking to me. And that's not where it ends though, right? Because once I leave the party, then it's not just the anxiety that I dealt with.
It's the way that I feel about being so anxious in the first place. I get angry with myself. I feel ashamed with myself.
I start to fear the fear, right? Oh my God, this fear is out of control. This anxiety is out of control. I feel anxious about being anxious.
And if you really look at what screws you in life, it's not the anxiety. It's all the crap that happens to you when you feel anxious. You start getting anxious about feeling anxious.
You beat yourself up. So if I actually beat myself up for being anxious in the first place and I get anxious about my anxiety, What do you think will happen the next time I go to a party? It's not just the social anxiety that I'm dealing with.
It's my meta emotion that actually cripples me and screws me in the future. And this is the key thing that these researchers discovered. It's not the thoughts themselves or the circumstances or even the emotions.
It's the way that we react to those thoughts, emotions, and circumstances that actually determines our destiny. And so we really need to understand what metacognition is. And as you start understanding metacognition and meta emotion, you will actually be able to change your personality.
And the real tragedy here is that if you think about how you go about trying to improve your life, what you actually do is try to control the circumstances of your life, right? You try to focus on particular events. I want to get a job.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want this person to break up with me. And what we actually don't control at all. is the conclusions that we draw from what happens in real life.
Literally, the only thing that you can control in your life is the stuff in here. We can't actually control whether someone promotes me or doesn't promote me, breaks up with me or doesn't break up with me. But that's actually where we spend all of our cognitive energy.
And this is exactly why we end up stuck in life. because we put all of our energy into fixing things out there, because that's really what we want, right? I want to get promoted.
I want to get married. I want all of these things. And that's where we put our energy. But the real tragedy is that we don't actually pay attention to how those events affect us up here. And it's the way that we are up here.
It's our personality that actually determines our destiny. So let's say that I get dumped by someone. When I get dumped by someone, I will try to avoid that. I will try to repair that. And I'll spend a lot of energy trying to repair the relationship.
But what I actually completely ignore is the conclusions that I draw about myself up here. Right. So when you get dumped, you're like, oh, my God, I've gotten dumped. How do I get this person? I'm going to be alone.
I'm not worthy. Oh, my God. All this stuff is going on. Those are the thoughts that we actually assume is true. We let the conclusions from the crappy stuff that happens to us in life.
go completely unchecked, right? So if you get a B on a test, your mind forms all kinds of conclusions about who you are. And if you stop and really think about it, you can't control what another human being does. But literally the only thing that you have some degree or even complete control over is the conclusions that you form from an experience.
No one else gets to determine your conclusions about... your life and your experience for you. So we go through life automatically forming reflexive conclusions about who we are. And as we form those conclusions, those will change the way that we interpret information.
They will change the way that we react to circumstances. And they will change the way that we behave. Okay, this person didn't text me for two days.
Well, how do we interpret that information? Well, that depends. Am I a loser? Am I not a loser? Because if I conclude earlier in life that I am a loser, that becomes a facet of my personality, right?
And then we go through life thinking I am a loser. And so if I go through life thinking I'm a loser and someone doesn't text me for two days, the meaning of that text not texting for two days changes. This person doesn't text me because I'm a loser. But you all see how like me being a loser is completely independent from whether they text me or not. There are a thousand different reasons why someone may not text me for two days.
But it's the way that I interpret that information. It's the personality of being a loser that ultimately determines how I react to that. And then the problem is that if I'm letting loser run the ship up here, this is a metacognition that I have, right?
Because it's not an actual thought. It is a thought about my experience in life. I am a loser.
Then that feeling of I'm a loser will change the way that I behave and react to that person. either I'll try to give them something. Hey, by the way, you haven't texted me in two days.
So let me win over your affection because I'm a loser and I have to like give you something materialistically to get affection from you. And then what does that do for my life, right? That will determine that the people I end up spending time with are the people that become dependent on my materialistic or financial support or gifts. Because that's what you have to do if you're a loser, right? You let people walk all over you unless you keep on giving them gifts and all this other kind of crap.
Or you give them the gift of helping them feel good about themselves by making yourself small and boosting their ego. You do all kinds of unhealthy behaviors. And this is going to determine your life. Then you wake up one day and you wish you had a life transplant because you've surrounded yourself with people who you have to go the extra mile for instead of them creating a reciprocal relationship. And where did all of that start?
It started with the conclusion that you're a loser. And then if we sort of think about where did that conclusion come from, it came from events, right? That's what you'll say. You'll say, well, these three things happened and this is how I determined I'm a loser. But hold on a second, because it's that determination that is the metacognition.
When those three events happen, there are different ways to interpret those events, right? Bad luck or bad circumstances, or maybe the reason you don't have friends. is because your parents literally did not teach you how to make friends. Maybe the reason that you don't have friends is because you were part of a cultural group growing up, and so all of your friends were sort of thrust in front of you. You were an Indian kid hanging out with a bunch of Indian kids, and then when you moved off to college, then you didn't have the skills necessary to make new friends.
But that's never the way that we interpret it because we interpret it automatically. And so it is when our metacognitions, the conclusions that we draw from life, run rampant, that we start to lose control of our life. And the good news is that you can actually change all that.
As you start to shape your metacognitions and meta emotions, literally your personality will change. As you start to change the way that you interpret information, react to circumstances, and behave, then your personality will change. And then as your personality changes, you will literally wake up as a different person.
And we know this because we've done this scientifically with like literally millions of people. We've taken tons and tons of narcissists and gone through this painstaking process of metacognitive changes, which is how they no longer become narcissists. And we can actually do that. And so now the question becomes, how do I actually go about changing my metacognitions? And so there's one really key place that we're going to start.
which is observe and be careful about the conclusions that you draw from the experiences in your life. So if you go do something, let's say I apply for a job or I ask someone out on a date, you'll notice two things. The first is that you will feel some amount of reaction, which is completely automatic, right?
So like you feel hurt and you feel rejected. But if you're not careful, you'll notice that that emotional and hurt and rejection, which will disappear over time, will actually transform without your knowledge into a conclusion. And that's the step that we need to stop. So what I want you all to really do is pay attention to the conclusions that you draw, and your mind will give you all of this evidence.
right? And so you will feel like that is an appropriate conclusion. But a lot of times, the evidence that it actually presents to you is shaped by all kinds of emotions. Because if you really stop and think about it, the conclusions that you draw about yourself are formed based on evidence that you collect when you are highly emotional. The evidence that you actually collect is not objective at all.
And so then the conclusions that we draw are by definition, not objective. In the Buddhist tradition, there's this concept of the two arrows. And what the Buddhists believe is that we get hit by two arrows in life.
The first is the arrow that life shoots at us, which we can't avoid. And the second is the arrow that we shoot at ourselves for getting hit by the first. I get angry at myself for losing my temper. And one of those things we can control, and the second one we can't.
And this is what was really confusing for me because when I was studying like psychiatry, I went back and I looked at all these yogic and buddhist texts and like, where's all the psychology here? Like, where's all the information about anger and trauma? Like, none of that stuff is in the yogic texts.
And the reason for that is because the yogis actually figured out that you don't need to fix a particular problem. What the yogis actually focused on was metacognition. So when they have all these practices like meditation, they just transcend mind and they don't care about the content of what's going on in your mind. And that's why Patanjali's Yoga Sutras doesn't have any information about particular traumas.
Instead, what these old yogic texts have is this sort of exploration of how do you move past cognition entirely and start working at the level of metacognition. Because when you start meditating and when you start looking at working at the level of metacognition, whatever is in your mind will get solved. And we see good evidence for this that a lot of people who start to practice meditation, they'll say that all dimensions of my life are better.
And it's like, wait, hold on a second. How is it that sitting there and observing your mind makes your relationships better, makes your work ethic better, makes you more productive? Like, how does that work? And that's because the yogis are working at the level of metacognition. So if you want to change your personality, it turns out that you actually can.
And the main thing that you need to focus on is instead of trying to fix your life, Fix the way that you interpret and draw conclusions from life events. Pay a lot of attention to that because the real tragedy of life is that we spend a lot of energy trying to fix things that involve other people, which means fundamentally they're not completely, but at least partially out of our control. And then what we end up doing is we ignore all of the conclusions that we draw about ourselves. We don't. think about it.
We don't work on it. We don't craft the conclusions that we have about ourself. And so those things develop automatically and then they determine our personality. And once they determine your personality, then they'll determine the way that literally interactions get interpreted by your brain.
They'll determine your emotional reactions to situations. And most importantly, they'll control the way that you behave. So if you want to forge a different destiny, you need to become a different person.
The good news is that that's actually a lot easier. Or at least more possible than we realize.