And we are live. What's up guys? Welcome to the Fresh Air Podcast. We're here with a legend, mystery, and his wingman, Rob Bexter. Let's get into it.
Let's go! Let's go! I'm falling on no reason Reached the top but still you gotta learn How to keep it, double the stakes Rattle, rattle, like a bat out of hell Just to scratch the gate Just get it! All right, what's up guys welcome to the freshman podcast man, we're back. We have a legend in the house We're here with mystery and his wingman Rob Bexter guys.
This is an interview Two years in the making. This is probably one of the most I would say requested anticipated and for me from a personal level Important interview that we've ever done when you talk about the red pill game You know female psychology dating all this other stuff. Yeah It always originates with one name, and that name is Mystery.
And we got his longtime wingman in the house as well. So, yeah, guys, welcome to the pod. We know who you guys are.
I'm not even going to go into announcements because I want to just get right into it. Yeah. Can you guys introduce yourself to the people for those that don't know who you guys are? Certainly.
Mystery in the house. Eric Von Markovic, 52 years old. Can't even tell. From Canada. I'm Canadian, born and raised, guys.
Shout out to Canada man. And Rob? Shout out also now to my wingman of over 15 years from the UK. This is Bekster.
Hi guys. Yeah, we've been gaming all over the world for about 300 bootcamps nearly for about 15 years. And I started in 1996 or 1997. So yeah, I'm born to the game. No, that's awesome. So I guess I could start with, so how did you guys get into this?
Because you guys have been doing this for a while. You know, pickup used to be an underground thing that very few people knew about. It was kind of like a cheat code.
And it was kind of like a, you know, well-kept secret. And you guys blew up with the VH1 reality show, The Pickup Artist. But how did you guys get started in this field before all the fame, before the TV, and before, you know, being on TV and everything else like that?
Well, for myself, I started in Toronto. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. So that's somewhat of a late bloomer. And I caught up since.
No, by the time I got 25 years old or so in Toronto, I found myself having success with women. And I started teaching my friends my secrets. I also wanted to extend myself to meeting other women.
pickup artists that would come and visit me or that I would go and see. And that led to friendships with pickup artists around the world, getting a chance to watch them game as well as them getting a chance to learn from me. So what a win-win situation.
Baxter, what's your background? A friend, when I was 19, he was... handed me some tapes to listen to on seduction and uh It was all very day game based and NLP based.
So six months later, I just thought I need to learn how to do night game, how to do this in the bars and the clubs and so on. So I just came up with crazy ways of doing things and meeting people. And literally that was it.
I ran with it as if it was the only way. Gotcha. So, Mr. You have a book which I've referenced on this podcast. Literally.
Hundreds of times probably at this point we've had, you know over 1500 videos and i've definitely mentioned it at least once a week at this point um Yeah, uh, you know, it's it's a legendary book the mystery method. Can you tell us what that book entails and uh, What it covers like there's you know, the seven attraction triggers the importance of you know Being a leader of men and all these other things. Can we kind of go give a quick overview of what the mystery method is?
And uh, certainly. Yeah, certainly it's uh The Mystery Method, How to Get Beautiful Women into Bed, is a book that I wrote over 25 years ago. The book has not changed much in the last 25 years. It's sound, it's quite solid. Everyone is giving me positive feedback to this day on that book.
But I have evolved my training. While that book is about the structure of a pleasing love story, the structure of a pickup, from meeting her to beginning a sexual relationship, what we call courtship, that book is strongly focused on the structure of pickup. But there are additional keys to proficient pickup. And another key is material, material to fill in the structure.
The material is the stuff we actually say in field, in the nightclub environment, to the groups of people that we interact with. That material is something that you can find if you don't know what to say, for instance, on how to open. I have written a book on openers called Hey Guys, and that's available on my site.
We can talk about that later. Things have changed also in that I've written a book called Game Changer. So since that first book, The Mystery Method, we, both Bextra and I, teach game-changing ideas. One of the greatest game-changers, while I'm on this topic that I think you'd find interesting, is noting that there are two narrative arcs to choose from in a pickup.
You can have the woman chase you, which I believe is better, or you can have the man chase the woman. Having the woman chase the man is entirely different from the other way around. And our game, both Bextra and I, are focused on that type of game.
If you were to change and focus on that type of game, your game would improve quite dramatically. That's one difference in the... the new stuff we teach. That's good.
So in the book, you mentioned, and we could go into like the different, like, you know, opening a set, what that means, you know, obviously stacking material, having cool stories, et cetera. Can we talk about what the attraction triggers are? If I'm not mistaken, I believe there were seven. Well, I teach a top five. Okay.
I'm sure there are many, there are maybe 30 of them. Yeah. We can go into, you know, minutia.
But the top five to me are, number one, is pre-selection. You can save the step of having to get to know, or rather, a woman can save the step of having to get to know you if she sees that you are attractive to other women. If they see you with women, you have what we call pre-selection.
And that is, in my opinion. 80% of attraction. Now, there are additional attraction switches. There's leader of men, protector of loved ones, having a willingness to emote, and showing that you're a successful risk taker.
Those are the top five in my book, literally. Guys, in the chat, get your pens and papers out because we're going to be talking about a bunch of stuff like this. So I'm going to write, wait, so risk taker, leader of men, protector.
Protect her loved ones. If she becomes a valued member of your social circle, she too will be protected by you. and your social circle.
That's quite powerful. Becoming friends with Will Smith and having his resources available widens and improves your chances of survival, and that's important in life. Yep. So risk taker.
That's attraction. Protector, pre-selection, leader of men. And then what was the last one again?
A willingness to emote. Oh, successful risk taker is the last one. Willingness to emote.
Can you explain what willingness to emote is to show a rich range of emotion? Okay. Not to just monotone it and be too cool for school or charisma, your smile. And it never goes away. Trust your expressions.
Gotcha. Want to show a rich range of expression and emotion in your storytelling. It's much more captivating now, but real fast.
So, um, you mentioned, you know, being a risk taker, protective of one's preselection, leader of men. willingness to emote, which, you know, kind of you can say that's like charisma, charm, being animated, being someone that's able to convey a story in an interesting manner. Now, when you in your book, you talk about approaching sets, which is said is like, you know, multiple women for the audience that might be wondering multiple women.
Maybe there's even some guys in there. And what you're doing is you're coming in, introducing yourself and you're telling stories that demonstrate these five attraction triggers that you just mentioned. And you're kind of like humble bragging about it.
And people can come to that logical conclusion that you exhibit these traits through the story. But then there were other things you mentioned as well, like pulling them to another venue. Can you kind of go through that process real quick as like from opening a set all the way to closing the deal? Oh, if you'd like, that's a set of phases that filled the timeline. of your pickup.
Let's zoom in. Let's discuss the phases. Before we get to the nine linear phases in a successful courtship, let's talk about the three main stages. You see, there's a beginning, middle, and ending phase to each of the three stages.
That's why there are nine. Otherwise, there's only three main stages. And I think we can all agree that the stages have to happen in order.
The first stage is attraction. We have to have traction before the second stage, which is comfort. Building comfort with someone with no attraction leads to let's just be friends.
So we want attraction first. But now you can't jump over comfort and compromise or comfort and go straight to the third phase or stage, rather, which is seduction. You must go in order. Attraction, then comfort, then seduction.
The idea behind this is scientific in nature. It's backwards rationalized from that which worked. It's logical to trigger attraction first, mutual attraction, so you can demonstrate that you're attracted to her as well, and then move on to comfort, building a growing comfort, familiarity, intimacy, at the very least connection, which is really the core of comfort is building connection. removal of lack of discomfort, removing discomfort.
That's what comfort's about. And the interesting thing is if you have attraction and comfort, quite likely by then she'll seduce you. Women are better seducers than men generally, at least better than me. So I like mutual seduction or I would like to be seduced.
You have attraction and comfort, you'll get to seduction. Now what we've done... But what I've done is I've taken these three main stages, which you cannot all do at once. You can't open in seduction.
Or you could try. But if you get a no, how many no's do you have to get until you start learning that it's actually almost offensive to open in seduction? So let's now zoom into the first three phases, which is the beginning, middle, and ending of the attraction stage.
The first is A1, the second is A2, the third is A3. I've just named them so we can talk about them. So we can then, once we learn the objectives of each of these phases, we can take material, these are the gambits, the words we say, the material we use to convey our personality, and we bolt them into the proper phases. So A1, the objective is simply to open. to initiate a conversation with a group of people you haven't met before.
Now, two-thirds of all approach scenarios are the three sets. a group of three people, guys or girls, that's a mixed set. That counts as a three set.
So you're going to have to work groups. So focus instead of trying to pick up a girl all by her onesie and you never meet her friends, she never meets your friends, which is quite, you know, odd. It feels uncomfortable, almost damn near creepy.
Meeting her friends and then her friends meeting your friends and you're getting to know each other that way, that's much... much more um it gives more potential to a love story in my opinion gotcha following a1 opening the set using the material of openers and we have i've written a book hey guys it's a book of openers 60 plus openers more than enough for you for to handle a myriad of approach scenarios once we've done a1 we've opened successfully 15 to 30 seconds in is all it takes we move forward to a2 which is the core of attraction where I'm going to demonstrate higher value, DHV, demonstrate higher value to her and elicit, draw out of her IOIs and her meaning the woman of interest within that group. Once I have two or three indicators of interest, that's, you know, a pattern is forming that she's demonstrating interest in me.
I will then slow it down and say, is there more to you than meets the eye? And get her to qualify me. Now that one gambit, is there more to you than meets the eye?
It's just one example of a gambit. There are many qualifiers. But that's one example of a qualifier that, qualifying is so important, by the way, that it is a phase, not just a gambit, not just a game piece.
But if you run four or five gambits that are qualifier gambits in the third phase of A3, you will complete the objective of the phase, which is to allow her to feel like you're attracted to her. It's the mere opposite of A2. In A2, you're DHVing and she's IOIing, giving indicators of interest for you showing value.
And in A3, the opposite is happening. You're getting her to DHVU so that you can then perhaps positively misinterpret everything as awesome and IOI her for having done so. Make sense? Yes, you're rewarding good behavior.
Three phases of pickup, and that completes attraction. Once you've done that, once you've finished qualifying her for 8 to 12 minutes on average. You will move into a lock-in position, a sit-down position, grab yourself a seat with her and her friends if necessary, if not isolating her from her friends, you know, 10 minutes in with permission from the peer group. And then you're in comfort. And that's the first phase of comfort is C1.
And they are on to the comfort and leading off to seduction over time. There's more to it, but we can definitely have zoomed into the... the first part which is pickup a1 a2 a3 move to c1 every set a1 a2 a3 move to c1 a1 open false time constraint a2 dhv neg crime her to want to qualify herself then a3 qualify her move the set then c1 start building comfort with comfort building gambits if you do that successfully enough times, you will master the game.
Gotcha. Yeah, there you go, guys. And now you see why he's a legend.
And everyone that you know that's in this space that's helping guys with getting women typically is following that structure to some degree. This is like the main rubric that a lot of people built their game off of. So just to recap, attraction, comfort, seduction are the three. Big components. And then within attraction, you break it down to three other levels.
You got an A1, which is opening the set, approaching them, saying hello with your opener, whatever it may be. Which mine used to be, hey, you're almost as cute as me. Ha ha. Right. Break it with kind of a funny situation, like a funny pickup line.
Right. Then you demonstrate value. Not necessarily brag about yourself, but do it through, you know, telling stories or whatever.
And then she shows indicators of interest. I know there was a bunch that you would put in your book, touching her hair. If I'm not mistaken, you'd call that preening. scratching her arm like this, looking up at you. There was some other IOIs you had mentioned in the book.
And when she shows this, then you qualify her, and then you try to move the set, get her to follow you, and then have that one-on-one conversation to build comfort. So that's kind of... A summary of what he was just saying, guys.
Sorry, what did you say? I had a question, actually, Mr. If You Don't Mind. So when it comes to the game and meeting women, obviously your friends are going to be around you, well, select friends.
How do you choose a good wingman to be your partner? Like Rob, for example. Well, Rob has come from a long distance. He's come from heaven. And he is an angel walking on earth.
And we do good works together everywhere we go. And we travel city to city, country to country. We've gone around the world many times over. Right, buddy? Yeah.
Facebook told us we'd been to about 300 cities together. And that was a while back. And that was a while back. So how do you find a good wingman? Well, in my opinion, a lot of people try to force it.
and find a good wingman online, I think you'll find each other where beautiful women are. You'll find each other. You're going to meet a guy with beautiful women on his arms, and you're going to have beautiful women on your arms, and the two of you are going to wink at each other knowing that you guys are living good lives.
And that's how you'll meet your next wingman, in the field. That's a good point. That's great.
Actually, that's kind of like how me and Fresh met because we both were dealing with the same situation, like with the same types of girls here in Miami, and we instantly bonded over that because it's very rare to find another guy that knows his way around, you know, women. So when you do find it, you're like, okay, if this guy's here at women, he clearly knows what he's doing because it's so few guys can actually do it. So that's actually a really good indicator to see if someone knows what they're talking about. Game knows game. Absolutely.
Absolutely. So, Mystery, we went over the attraction. Can we talk about comfort a little bit? Because I think this is something that a lot of guys kind of mess up, where they build too much comfort, and the girlfriend zones them. Or they don't build enough comfort, they hook up with the girl, and then she gets buyer's remorse.
And she doesn't want to necessarily see you again because you didn't build up the comfort. And I know if I'm not mistaken, please correct me if I'm wrong, the comfort building stage is about seven hours? Seven hours, if I'm not mistaken, in your book? Well, you know, a general solid game pickup that is not a fool's made pickup where you win chess in four moves and think you're a master when your opponent is merely naive.
Yeah. Playing a solid game is roughly four to ten hours. Okay. If you're under four hours, you're compromising her comfort levels.
Remember, it's based on her comfort levels. So don't think you're a master because you betted her in one hour for her to get buyer's remorse then. Right? And unless you have multiple sexual liaisons with her, it's not a sexual relationship. So in other words, if you have a one night stand and you can't be with her again because she chooses not to see you again, to me, that's still an abysmal pickup failure.
Okay. Right? Because this is love game.
The idea here is to be so lovable that she gives her body to you as a... as a pleasurable experience, as a shared experience, because she loves you. It's much more powerful than just trying to bed a girl quickly. Yeah.
Right? So four to ten hours is basically, you know, with the average of seven hours, is basically a solid game pickup. And this has been confirmed by dozens upon dozens of pickup artists around the world.
So. If you hit the seven hour rule, if you follow that, you shouldn't compromise her comfort too much. Also, don't go too long.
If you go past 10 hours, you know, you're accumulating by the minute like a lawyer would. If you go past 10 hours, then you can fall into the let's just be friends zone. Gotcha. So seven hours is a good general rule. If you're only two hours in, don't sexualize it that much yet.
You may be in the wrong location anyway. And that brings up comfort. C1, the beginning of comfort, C2, the middle, and C3, the ending. C1 is a part of the attraction location, the C1 location.
It is the smoking section where it is quiet, where you can have a chat. It is at your table, not on the dance floor, not by the bar, maybe the bar even. You can sit down and get intimate with the person.
But really at your table, you can get intimate with the person if you're there. If you don't have a table and you want to sit at a table, I can tell you how to do that too. Remind me in a moment.
Okay. C2 is a separate location from the C1 location. C1 location is the comfort location built into the attraction location. It's just so you can build enough comfort to affect a bounce or a time bridge. That is getting her number or contact information and a reason to see each other again.
There are two sides to a time bridge. You don't just get her number. You get her number and a reason to see each other again. And then you bridge over the time apart so you can continue gaming.
with her, right? C1, you just have to build enough comfort to get to C2. C2 is its own comfort building location, like for instance, Mel's Diner on Sunset Boulevard. The neat thing about that place was that it was right underneath Project Hollywood, where we lived.
And you perhaps heard about Project Hollywood in the book, The Game, by my good friend, Neil Strauss. Think how logical that is when we then bounce to C3, which is my living room. So we would just have to walk up the road from our comfort building eatery to get to C3.
Following C3, where you're becoming intimate with her. See, in C2, it's connection, but in C3, it's intimacy. You then move forward to seduction.
I would hope. mutual seduction. If you've done everything right, she's going to be very receptive. If you take the time, she'll be very receptive. S1 begins, arousal.
S2, handling any last-minute resistance issues. Hopefully, all of it will be taken care of by the seven-hour rule. It's based on her comfort levels, not yours.
The phases are hers, not yours. When you're in A1, she's in A1. When you're in A2, she's in A2, etc.
And the last phase is S3, which is, what is that? We know what that is. Sex.
Exactly. What about S2? What about S2? It's beginning a sexual relationship, S3.
What about, what was S2? Because I know S1 is arousal. What was S2? S2 is... LMR handling.
Oh, my bad. Yeah. It's, it's actually in many ways, maybe it has to be reviewed again, LMR, because you shouldn't be getting LMR.
You're the only reason why you get LMR is because she has some discomfort and usually it has to do with not knowing you well enough. So one of the greatest game plans you can have is instead of working with, like, instead of working a set, We call it working a set and then isolating your woman of interest and just sitting with her for five hours. I would rather move the set, move the girl and the set to many different locations to create more memories. Yes.
Right. Like the smoking section or upstairs to meet my friends or let's go to the bar to grab my next drink. Let's go check out, if the DJ is someone I know, things to do in the club. But also, you can say, we're going to the next venue. Dexter will be there.
Come join. So another memory is formed. At the end of the night, she'll be in bed with you, wondering, do I really know this guy?
And she'll be flooded with memories of interactions that have taken place. So. when you meet a group of people, you're going to want to merge that group at some point into other groups, not only for social proof, but to create greater memories for everyone because each new person that she meets is another memory and you get to be the social butterfly and introduce her to others. Yeah. So it sounds like some of my thoughts.
So it sounds like you're going to give her her experiences, which is going to remember you as a person giving her that experience. You escalate slowly, but surely to the end point over time. Sounds pretty good to me.
Yeah. No. It's what we call solid game.
Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.
And guys, you guys just literally got like a whole quick little summary on how this goes. So quick recap for the audience. And I even wrote this stuff down.
So you got three main components, attraction, comfort, seduction. In attractions, A1, open. A2, demonstrate higher value, DHV. A3, make the girl qualify for you. Then you move on to comfort, taking her somewhere else, right?
Moving her somewhere, getting a bit more intimate. C2, separate location, bounce her out of the club, maybe go to an eatery, whatever it may be. C3, your house. Then you go into seduction. S1, arousal.
Then S2, dealing with last-minute resistance, LMR. And then S3, obviously, is closing the deal. So that is kind of the overview that I would say pretty much any guy that's dealing with chicks or is a coach to some degree or whatever, they're typically following this rubric to some degree.
So... Every... good success story you've ever had has gone through those phases exactly yeah you have been successful with those whether you knew it or not so it just rings true to a lot of people who go you know read the first book that i wrote the mystery method again how to get beautiful women into bed the other books go off into material they go off into delivery aspects these are keys by the way to proficient pickup. Structure, what we just covered, is one of the keys. Very important, but it's not to diminish the importance of the second key.
Material. Material that meets the objectives of each of the phases. So we need openers, we need DHV material, we need negs, we need qualifier questions, we need to know how to move the set. There's several gambits for moving the set. We're going to need comfort building gambits.
These are clever stories and jokes, laughter in your set, because after all the best pickup artists in the world have a laugh track. They all have a laugh track in their sets. I've watched them game successfully, personally, and there's a laugh track in their sets.
So that might be a game changer for you. If you're not making them laugh, you might be doing something wrong, son. You may not be smiling on the open. You gotta smile on the open.
it increases the chance of success by a good 300%. Gotcha. What other thoughts do we have?
Yeah, so in this structure that we just went over, you broke this down and kind of went over this on the VH1 show, The Pickup Artist. And I remember watching this in high school, taking notes, being like, this is revolutionary stuff, reading the book, like, wow, right? Because this is stuff that no one talked about back then.
Um, can you tell us about how that show came to be? What was it like, um, being on TV, being on VH1? Because back then there was no internet like that, right?
There wasn't social media. So if the, really the only way to be famous is like to be on TV and, you know, do with the main TV networks. What was that like?
And what inspired you to do that show? Okay. Well, in many ways it was a social experiment. It was an experiment. It wasn't something I was, you know, needing to achieve.
But when I get myself focused on a project, I seem to relentlessly attack it over however long it takes to get it complete. I'm that way. I focus however long it takes.
So I did write a one-page treatment that turned into a seven-minute non-airing video that... conveyed the essence of the project and that led to a non-airing pilot episode and that got us the first season so in many ways you could say i created it however i did work with a production team three ball productions and they had already produced beauty and the geek So they were so bloody professional. They knew what they were doing. You've watched the show. It's a good show.
It's a good American reality TV show, The Pickup Artist. If you haven't seen it, look online. You'll find it using your magic keys.
Very proud of it. I did something that made my mother proud before she passed away. She got to...
see the entire show with me once, you know, many years later. Yeah. She got to see it with me and was very proud of what I had achieved. Then we did another non-airing video to introduce the other wing person, in this case, a woman named Tara.
And that got us season two. Gotcha. So instead of running a season three, I went to England and raised my daughter, who was, I believe, two years old at the time. So that was my season three.
I made my decision of what was important at that time. Following that, I then started traveling with this joker here, Baxter. And we have traveled the world doing, just like in the TV show, teaching men the glorious art of the cold approach pickup.
If you were able to turn back to clean back. Oh, we're back? We're good?
Okay, sorry about that, guys. So you did the TV show, and obviously, you know, it was all over. um, television, you, you basically opened up a door that no one had known about. How did your life change after the show?
Uh, in comparison to prior? Well, I have firmly placed myself as a cultural icon of the two thousands of the mid two thousands. And I'm very pleased about that.
That's thanks to doing talk shows such as Jimmy Kimmel. Chelsea Lately, Conan O'Brien a couple times. Those did, in fact, change the way people treat me. They come up to me knowing me, and they know that I'm a social being, so they come with their best foot forward, wanting to meet me and having read my materials.
I'm very grateful that people are giving their best selves to me when we meet. You know, we do picture exchanges, Instagram exchanges, getting them. you know, back into the fact that we're training around the world and they could be a part of it.
So if you want to be a part of, for instance, Next is Barcelona, go check out AskMystery.com. That's where we begin the process of pulling you into the world of cold approach pickup, and it opens doors. Gotcha.
So... Mr. I got to ask this. You know, obviously, you mentioned that you were a figure from the 2000s, which, yes, I would definitely agree that you were all over television in the mid 2000s, definitely pioneering something new that no one knew about. But my question is, obviously, the structure is the same attraction, comfort, seduction. But now in 2024, with the explosion of the Internet, social media, dating and meeting women has changed significantly.
Right. The days of going out and cold approaching, people still do it, but there's a lot of, you know, more and more people are meeting each other online. How would you say you've adapted your game and your structure to the new normal in which we live in a social media world? Well, I think that the social media world is largely an excuse to not getting to the party. You can come up with many excuses why you're not going to get dressed and go to the public gathering and interact.
with other people in real time, live. You can simply not get to the party. And I'll tell you, no one misses you.
They're at the party. The hot women are at the party. I went to Hollywood. I'm in the UK right now. Right now, my children are sleeping upstairs.
But two weeks ago, you know, dad being single, I was in Hollywood with Baxter. And after the nightclubs, we'd go up into the Hollywood Hills, to the Hollywood Hills parties. And... You don't have to show up if you don't want.
Those parties are happening with or without you, but I'm telling you, they're great parties. So you're going to want to play cold approach pickup if you're going to want to draw beautiful women into your life and not have to somehow try to convince yourself that pressing keys is going to lead to sexual adventure. So do you think cold approach is still the best methodology?
to acquire leads versus, you know, using dating apps or, um, cause I remember back in the two thousands, like if you had a dating app profile, people laugh to you, but nowadays it's extremely common. Um, uh, or Instagram or whatever, maybe do you think that cold approach is the king of getting leads and sources? Well, there are five levels of gain. Have we talked about those before?
Have you heard about the five levels of game? Uh, the first level is not opening girls by themselves. You know, opening a group by themselves is level zero game.
It's bonus rounds. Level one game is opening a group of people. Level two game is allowing adjacent sets to create social proof so that it's what we call merging. You merge sets.
That's level two game where you can merge sets together and be a part of a crowd around you and entertaining two sets. together and letting them mix and merge and mingle and occupy each other so you can isolate your selected interest level three game is allowing last night's successes to assist you in this night's successes that is bring people to the public gathering with you women you've met the night before the week before invite them out that's level three game level four game is letting last month's successes to assist you in this month's successes that's bringing them out to a barbecue 2 p.m on a Sunday and when that happens you can only invite the people you've met over the last month and their friends so you get a kick-ass party happen. That's social circle game.
And then level five game is something that I've played on VH1. And that is pop game or a celeb game, demonstrating higher value and uploading DHVs into people's heads prior to your arrival. And people do that now with Instagram.
So that there's a lot of room for play in all of that. That is all a part of cold approach pickup. So to say that some guy looking at swiping pictures one by one, not seeing the face, designing the face that you want, and finding specifically within the database those who look as close to the image as possible, they don't do that. They have you swipe and offend you with girls that clearly are not your type, but you...
The algorithm doesn't know your type. So you just go through. Which guy is going to fare better?
The guy who practices his social skills in real-world social gatherings or the guy who's swiping, getting a bunch of first dates, only to abysmally fail by never getting a second date? Which skill set do you want to develop? I leave that up to those listening.
We do actually call... online dating apps minus one level of game doesn't mean you can't do it but uh it's time it's time consuming and then we have a level zero as well direct game opening the one set gotcha i think building those skills is important because you're right you go on dating apps you swipe left all the time um you may get a match meet them in real time and you know a person but the problem is those skills you need to actually call approach are needed for the date and if you can't go on a date successfully And what's the point? So that's a good take. Precisely. Very, very, very solid idea.
Yeah. And the other thing, too, which I've always liked about cold approach is you're kind of able to deal. Like, let's say you're not the most attractive guy. Well, if you meet her in person and you're charismatic and you're able to tell good stories, you'll be able to make up for that, you know, in person by being charming and charismatic. Which, real quick, Mr. E, just so the audience can get an idea.
Can you take us through maybe what like what a DHV story like one of the short DHV stories that you would use in field Maybe one of your openers into a DHV story It's just so people can get an idea of how this actually works because it's actually a very people might think Oh my god, this is so complicated a1 a2 a3 But you actually naturally do this anytime you deal with a woman if you get laid like you actually Did all these steps to some degree maybe some are more accentuated than others But if you're closing girls and going on dates and everything you're doing this So can you give the people like an example of what it would look like? Oh, boy. I wish one of you were cuter.
Good luck to me. No, I'll show you something that I've been working on. Sure.
Got a lighter here. I am in the UK right now, but as you can see, I am fiercely Canadian. Yeah.
Watch this magic. Watching, watching. I've been working on that. I thought that was fun.
If that's not fun, then maybe this is more fun. Oh. Double hand vanish.
Oh, yeah. Wait a second. Oh, yeah. Magic is in fact real.
Yeah. And I was actually going to show. You just reach up, grab, and bring it back. No way.
No way. Let's go. Wait a minute.
Just angel? And live. What?
Magic done live. is much more impressive than on video. Yeah.
But yes, magic is in fact real. Just a little taste. Yeah.
You can do it at home yourself. There's just a joke involved. All you have to do is this.
Get everyone's attention with it. Yep. Get everyone's attention with it first. You literally open up a group of girls, if it's a five set, with a lighter.
Yeah. You open it with a lighter and then do the joke. And they expect magic and you do that and you say, it's a miracle.
That's it. But it opens the set and it opens it in a very clever way. It conveys your emotional state. What is my emotional state when I'm joking with people, when I'm, you know, screwing with them?
What's happening? I'm conveying that my emotional state is non-threatening, playful, right? And I'm perhaps even in a good state. I'm happy. A smile helps.
Yeah. So they'll be not non threatened by your approach. Some men are scary looking.
They've got resting bitch face, as they say, also known as as, yeah, just bitch face. We'll just call it that. What else do we call it? Bexter? Rest in bastard face.
That's good enough. Exactly. So if we smile, as a part of our opener.
We convey our current emotional state and we don't trigger fear of the approach. They don't fear us. So if you, if you just don't smile, they're going to side on caution.
That was the idea I wanted to get at. They're going to side on caution and they're going to feel an adrenaline release. They're going to feel fear and it'll come, come as social anxiety.
And that social anxiety goes away when you just screw with them with a lighter and smile. And I'll tell you this. A good example would be Matador.
Matador was so pumped up, wasn't he? And he wouldn't smile at the beginning. That's right.
Season one of The Pickup Artist, he was big. But season two, he became huge. This is my co-star and wingman on The Pickup Artist TV show.
Anyone who's watched that show will know how big Matador is. And if he doesn't smile, he's carrying what the... appear to be his arms are guns so he walks into a room and it's very intimidating and he you know had a hollywood smile he had a celebrity smile and that was so charismatic that women were not threatened by him they were drawn to him that's a learning lesson the smile goes a long way yeah and i find it very interesting like that like and for the audience right like You demonstrated so many different things just by doing that, right?
So you demonstrate, right, like being playful, funny, sense of humor is disarming because most guys that approach girls, they're coming on some creepy type stuff, right? So if you're able to do that, it shows social calibration. And then you add to it and you're like, oh, I was just messing with you guys, but I actually can do magic, which I want to talk to you about that as well. You are a magician, very skilled.
You've incorporated it into your game. How did you get started with magic and how much does it impact your sets? attraction magic.
I think it impacts my sets a lot because as a magician, I love to perform magic. I perform magic in virtually every set that I approach. I may not open with it, but at some point in my set, they're going to discover that I'm a magician. Even when they ask me the question, one of the autoresponder questions is, what do you do? I say, would you like me to tell you or show you?
Much better than saying I'm a magician. You want to see some magic, you know? It's just, it brings it out. In the autoresponder question, what's your name?
Instead of saying Eric, I say my stage name is Mystery. My friends call me Mystery. I'm a full-grown man with a nickname. I can't get rid of it. But my real name is Eric.
I'm not hiding. Much better than saying, when asked the question, what's your name? Eric.
Boring. But the other one is just more interesting to say, never been heard before. And I'm Mystery. In field, it's a rapport breaker in many ways. So I have that autoresponder handled.
Where are you from? Instead of saying Canada, I say, I am from the same place that brought you, Justin Bieber. Where am I from? And they say Canada. And I say, no, hell.
Yes, Canada. It's clean. I do the same thing, man.
And I really want the audience to grasp this because. Like here, we're just joking around, right? Like, you know, you're saying this to the girl or whatever, but what guys don't understand is like when you do this with women and you're playful like this and you have the wittiness to be able to do this and you're able to, you know, take a very mundane question that 99% of guys answer in a boring fashion and you're able to spice it up and make it interesting, girls don't forget that shit. No girl's going to forget you coming up with a lighter like this and doing that. No dude has probably ever done that in their life, and I think that's what's...
So important about what you teach these guys on how to run pickup is like it makes you memorable and stand out. It's unique. You know, at least more unique than how you do it.
It's old. It's been done. It's back. You know, we need better openers. I got a question for you, Mr. E. That's so good.
This actually perfectly segues into peacocking. Can you talk, because I would say you're the person that popularized a lot of these terms, actually. What is peacocking?
How can people go about it? in today's day and age and why is it so important? Okay.
Well, it's not going away. We'll start there. Peacocking.
refers to a man wearing outrageous clothing, not outrageous, just unique clothing that is maybe a bit cumbersome, like the plume of a peacock's tail. He dresses outlandishly, colourfully, like a peacock in order to stand out and convey some social status in doing so. Like, for instance, the man who wears fur coat in the club or in my case a faux fur coat, you know, this is unreal, right?
That's peacocking. Peacocking also includes those who wear tattoos. All tattoos are peacocking. Women, there are millions and millions and millions of women on the planet who have tattoos. They're all peacocking.
That's all built-in peacocking. This here, I've got gauges. Peacocking. I've got this.
This is adding to the peacocking, right? Even this item here that I'm wearing, you know, carrying this thing here, you can see on the back. It's a unique, it's a unique look.
It's peacocking. Gotcha. So it's not going away. People who stand out, women do it especially well. And when you go to a mall, you'll see they have so many clothing options.
but men have less clothing options. That's why we need to get creative. Yeah. And it takes more social savvy because, you know, when I paint my nails black, people are going to say, why do you think your nails black?
Right. So you have to get used to the social, you know, the, the heightened social, what's the word I'm looking for guys, social, what social pressures. Okay.
Yeah. That's just, it's a good enough word. I want to say, I was going to say, uh, when I watched, uh, and it's crazy.
I remember this almost, you know, 20 years later. Um, when I watched the show, I remember you would wear, um, you know, boots that made you taller, the goggles, the hats, uh, the snowboard goggles, et cetera. Um, and if I'm not mistaken, please correct me if I'm wrong. You generally recommend that every man, when they go out and they're trying, you know, running game to have at least one piece. of peacocking clothing item, whether it's a necklace, maybe jewelry or something like that.
Do you think that they should still have one piece or should they have more nowadays to stand out in a very competitive dating marketplace with the internet around and social media? How should men go about peacocking in today's day and age? Well, the idea of wearing one is to say to people, wear at least one interesting item and it could be a necklace so that if a woman wants to approach you, you're giving her an open invitation to by her saying, oh, that's really nice. You know, what is that? Where'd you get that?
And that is an indicator of interest. So really what you're doing is you're eliciting IOIs by peacocking. So I'll wear fur, faux fur, and anyone else, any girl who wears fur will hug me.
It's like the fur club. Try it. You'll see. It works.
We've got lots of footage, infield footage examples of me running around Las Vegas in a fur coat. And while it looks ostentatious, it really drew a crowd. It allowed people to come in, meet me, interact with me, hug me, touch my fur, right?
Ask if it's real. And I say it's unreal. Or do you know how many polyesters died for this coat?
so I have my sound bites that are connected with my peacock gear and you should have sound bites ready to respond to when they ask you about your necklace it should be more interesting than I bought it at the mall you know mall mall much better than that is needed right but even more powerful if you have two girls on your arm and your peacock yep Yeah, huge demonstration. Rockstar status. Yep.
That's right. And if they're peacock too and you look like you're, you know, in the same band, even better. I would argue it starts online nowadays with Instagram.
So girls peacock in different ways. Not for you maybe. You didn't get to the party in the Hollywood Hills, did you? You missed out, man.
You missed the party. You stayed home, didn't you? I was going to segue.
You stayed home. You could have gone to the party. I was going to segue.
Okay, so Instagram starts the party off. For me, the girls come from DMs. They would go to the party. Even more girls show up. And from the very beginning, they saw the lifestyle.
Oh, this is fun. This guy's fun. I want to be around him.
we meet up at the party we get more girls to join our party and then from there we have a great time that's how i see at least well that's level four game you're playing social circle game that's great you know but let's not be disappointed if you're new to a city and you don't know anyone and you go to a club and he's got all the girls that's you you've got all the girls and he's got none and he'll say oh how unfair when he didn't do the work so you gotta start somewhere in a new city And you start with the three set. You just go to a public gathering, open the first set on the left, build a solid base, and then from there you can open adjacent sets, work your night, merging sets, as you get to know who's potentially single. We have to do that every boot camp.
We have to touch down. We go there a day or two before. We do a recce around the area. And then by the end of... the long weekend on boot camp we have our own social circle there bam and we have bittersweet goodbyes you know we have to leave the city we have to go to the next city and we have to say goodbye to the new girlfriend we've made it's bittersweet damn um let me ask you this mystery um you talked we talked a bit about indicators of interest aka ios what are some of the most common ios that guys miss because there's so many times where girls are giving guys hints you Guys might not have the social calibration or skill set to be able to identify these IOIs and make a move or escalate, right?
Or they're scared to escalate because they don't see them. What are some common IOIs that guys miss? Well, I think that you don't have to kiss the girl in C1. You don't have to. You can say to her, expect nothing but great conversation in order to get the contact exchange.
And then you preserve her comfort so that you can see her on a day two. rather than kissing her too soon and she gets buyer's remorse. So it all depends on her, whether you're going to kiss her in C1 or in C2, or you're going to again wait until C3 when you're in a private location and that's the first time you're kissing. But you should have some Kino escalation.
You can't kiss her if she's uncomfortable holding your hand, right? So you have to do an escalation ladder, certainly. What was the question exactly, though? I was just getting the background. Yeah, IOWIs that guys often miss from women and that are a little bit more subtle.
We've talked about some common ones like touching your hair, looking up at you, laughing at your jokes, touching you, maybe scratching your arm like this. But what are some other ones that guys often miss? Well, they could be mirroring and matching you as well. Okay, can you explain what mirroring is real fast for the audience?
Yeah. Yeah, when they're literally copying, say they're sitting in front of you, they're copying what you're doing. You fold your arms, they fold your arms. You lean back, they lean back.
You cross your legs, they cross their legs. So you can mirror match and then start leading it if you see that they're doing that as well. Gotcha.
You can force IOIs as well. How do you go about that? There's many ways, but say that you're the other side of the bar across a long bar and you don't want to. go round and talk and it's loud and so on you want to test it first so one is called the peekadoo peekaboo so you just go like that and then they look if they mirror and match then the game is a foot they're interested they're playing along you know okay what was funny when you were five is funny again and uh and it just shows a different level of playfulness that you're different you've caught their eye gotcha and it tells you where they're at with you you Rob, and then you can go straight in.
How important is eye contact when it comes to getting the first approach? Well, I think it's good, but we go in without eye contact as well, you know? So either way.
We generally go in without eye contact prior to the approach. You just approach the set and engage, you know? It's over the shoulder stuff too. Hey, guys, quick question.
First time they see you? They see your faces with a smile. Hey, guys, quick question, right? And then you stack to any type of opener. And you can't get blown out that way over the shoulder.
I got a quick question, guys. You just mentioned something there that brought back some memories. So the over the shoulder, right? You were really big.
And this is something to this day I still use and I still talk about. If I call the poacher girl, I'm never standing right in front of her. I always have my body bladed as if I'm about to leave and potentially set up like a false time constraint or whatever.
And I learned that from you, actually, Mr. E. Can you talk about the importance of. When you approach a girl, you don't want it where you're directly in front of her and might make her feel intimidated, but you also want to kind of let her know that, hey, this interaction isn't going to last long. I think a lot of guys kind of mess this up and they make themselves almost too available where the girl doesn't know if you're going to sit there and try to talk to her for three hours or she doesn't know if you're going to leave.
Can you talk about the importance of like blading your body a certain way? You just did the over the shoulder one real fast, little subtle things like this, how it makes a big difference. Sure, sure. I. I use it maybe 20% of the time in the night.
You know, I'll do over the shoulder a couple times in the night, certainly. But it's important to note that what we've just structured here is a hypothetical situation of me approaching a girl. Women of beauty are rarely alone, usually in groups. So if we're going to fantasize repeatedly, instead of fantasizing and practicing and training and preparing for some future event where she's alone.
we're not going to be meeting girls alone that you know that's so rare they're usually with beautiful girls as well they're usually with guys you know mixed sets believe it or not are approachable they're approachable you they're lucrative i've gotten girlfriends from mixed sets you can be given the girl by the guys they just bow down to you having a connection with her that they didn't have. They can give you the girl if they like you. So you have to win over the entire set.
So it's really all about group theory, less about single approach theory, which is what the scenario is constructing. I got a question for you because I think this is something that actually trips a lot of guys up. They'll see a group of girls and a group of guys and they'll be scared to approach. How can someone go about approaching a mixed set without necessarily, I guess, because I think people, what guys are afraid of is getting rejected, potentially getting attacked by the males in a group.
They don't know what the social dynamics are, et cetera. How can someone go about opening up a mixed set? Well, there's two major schools of thought in pickup.
It's not just day game and night game. It's single approach theory versus group theory, right? Day game, by the way, usually is single approach theory game, right? There's also two schools of thought.
You know, there's the versus of direct and indirect. There's direct game where you are opening in seduction, basically. To me, that's an error. And then there's the far more maneuver. It gives you far greater maneuverability.
It's far more powerful, in my opinion. And that's... opening indirect and that's the indirect school of thought so opening a group of people if they had if if one of the people in the group is the woman of interest's father for instance well then you're going to have to win over the father right for instance my 17 year old daughter has a boyfriend and he's totally won me over i think it's it's a wonderful match a wonderful union he comes over and hangs out And he's a part of the family now. So, you know, he didn't just pick her up. He picked me up too.
That's group theory. Yeah. The importance of getting, I remember when I used to do a lot of cold approach back in the day and there were guys in the set. What I would do, and I want to get your take on this. I would actually go up to the guys kind of on the side.
I'd be like, hey, look, man, that girl in there, that girl right there, she's pretty high. I just want to make sure I'm not stepping on no toes. Is that your girlfriend or whatever? And. What I've noticed is when you get permission from the guys in the group or you talk to the guy that seems to be the leader of the group and you kind of speak with him first, he'll tell you, oh, yeah, no, she's single, man.
Or, oh, no, that's my girl, but this one is single. Like, since so many guys don't have that social awareness to do that, they'll almost throw you at the girl sometimes because that girl might be cock blocking someone else or annoying them. So it's amazing how, like, sometimes you're starting a conversation with that guy and being polite and, like, trying to ascertain what's going on. They'll. actually help you out a lot of times that's what i've noticed very rarely they say fuck i i like it it's got legs i like it and it reminds me of it's a gambit you know it's a it's a sound bite that you use but it's an actual gambit in order to find out the information you're looking for right another gambit is uh and one that i am now uh going to uh we talked about earlier that i'm going to give you is How do you sit at a table that you haven't bought a bottle at?
Here's how. You open a two-set of women, you win them over, you get into lock-in position so that you can lean back and have them join you for a bit. You build enough comfort so you can then say to them, let's go make some friends, which is moving the set. Come on, let's go make some friends. And you walk over to the first bottle, first guy that has a bottle, and you say, hey, these girls wanted to meet you.
So you're sitting at his table, he gives You're a girl, a drink. He gives you a drink. He gives the other girl a drink.
He also splits your two set because you can't isolate in a two set. He occupies the obstacle for you. You get your target. He gets the obstacle and everyone's happy. And if he says no, how many tables are in there?
You just say, all right, nice meeting you. Have a good one. As he sits alone at his table, then you go to the next table.
it's inevitable that you're going to be sitting at a table with a drink in your hand and the two sets split. Isn't that a good game plan? No, that's actually really clever and really smart.
And we always get on a VIP table, that's for sure. Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing how if you walk in with some girls, the doors that open up for you. And I can only imagine if you have three or four, they won't even probably think twice about it.
Oh, yeah. Okay, guys, come on in, man. Thanks. Mystery, you just exposed how I do. Clubs for free, basically.
I go to clubs with girls and I get in for free and I go to tables for free doing that. Same as that method pretty much every night. That's fantastic. That's fantastic.
And then, and the truth is everyone's happy. Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I have a game plan. Who, who goes and parties with a wing? You know, Myron? Not as much anymore. With Mo?
With Mo, no. But it's been a while since I've actually went to the club and ran game like that. Well, I have a good game plan when you have a wingman with you. Sure, please.
Instead of the two of you opening a set together, what happens is one guy talks while the other guy shuts up and stands behind the other guy, right? The first guy. The first guy has his back to the second guy because he's talking to the girls.
So the second guy is lowering the first guy's value, right? And if the first guy can't open the set, the second guy doesn't get a chance to open the set. It's not right. Work your own sets. Separate when you go in.
Bexter and I, we separate before we, sometimes before we even get to the bar, we'll separate, we'll open adjacent sets, and then draw them back to each other. Gotcha. So when I get to the point five minutes in, when I say, hey, let me introduce you to a good friend of mine.
He's in here. He already has girls with him. So he looks cool. So my value raises. And then vice versa, he does the same thing.
So he's got girls and I've got girls. But what he'll do is he'll big me up to one of the girls, one of the girls he's met. And I'll do the same for one of the girls, you know, the prettiest generally. or the one that I think is the most compatible with my best buddy. And I'll big him up.
So we do accomplishment introductions for each other. And then we mix and merge the sets and we get our targets. Bam.
And I'm assuming that, you know, Bexar has a type, you have a type, and he's kind of looking for that while simultaneously looking for his type at the same time, or do you guys just kind of go? Are you guys not as picky with the women or how does that go? I'm very picky. You're very picky? Okay.
Yeah, I think we're extremely picky. Okay. What are your guys'requirements?
There's lots of criteria going on. Yeah. But, you know, what I'm looking for...
Let's say love. Yeah, love is good. What I'm looking for is my dream girl.
Someone who can become a travel partner with me. I do travel a lot. uh the lifestyle is fun on weekends we go to nightclub events and it would be nice to have a beautiful woman on my arm to enjoy that lifestyle so i'd like a travel partner i'd like to be a part of a duo you know a double act gotcha um what about you bexter well i want to talk about we did a whole um we did a whole tour advertising of you Mystery is single.
Let's, you know, he's going to get a girlfriend. He's single. And it was a big tour. I think it was about eight or ten cities around the world.
On the second day, on Saturday, in a queue up to the club. He meets a girl, goes inside, gets two others to sort of fight over him verbally and grab him and kiss him for ownership. And that was his girlfriend for three months.
So we had to change the tour marketing. But it was fun while it lasted for one night. Gotcha. Yeah.
That's funny. Four month relationship. Yeah. Sometimes relationships complete. They don't end.
They complete. And that's okay. That's an interesting way to look at it. I like that.
Yeah. No, no, for sure. Can you give the people, because you're real big on telling stories.
Obviously, you've got the skill set with magic, too, which is fucking, you know, that's literally a deadly weapon right there. Because very few people know magic and be able to do that in a club in front of girls. They're going to go crazy. I have a trick. You know what it is?
What? Because I'm really black. I just run in a corner, disappear, come back.
Hey, I'm here. I smile. I know my. go ahead okay now you got me off my train of thought uh storytelling storytelling storytelling yes um mister can you give us an example of a dhv story that you would tell maybe somebody in the audience can kind of tinker with and use it as use it as their own oh to use as their own yeah well they could tinker it up obviously you know Hollywood sign yeah fair fair everything that is that is a dhv for me is personalized to me.
These are my accomplishments. The first time that I met Leo DiCaprio, he said to me, mystery. Those were his first words to me. That was a name drop gambit.
It's true, but it's a name drop gambit. It doesn't work in Hollywood. Don't use it. But everywhere else in the world, people are fascinated by the people you've met. I've met Will Smith.
I've met Chris Rock. So that slap heard around the world, felt around the world, was very personal to me. Those are some of my stories.
Those are my Hollywood stories. There's quite a few of them. But if you want to make one fit generically, you have to fit it to your city, to your life.
I can only give examples of ones that I've done. The Hollywood sign, as Baxter brought up. I once had a girlfriend who, if you're so inclined to rating women from 1 to 10, which I'd never do, she was off the charts beautiful. She was, in fact, too beautiful. I'll tell you why in a sec.
But what we did is we jumped the fence at the Hollywood sign and we climbed up to touch it for good luck. Trust me, it works. She was an actress. I won't tell you who, but you've most likely seen her work. She was.
too pretty. She was getting B movie roles. And if you look at women who aren't as attractive, but they have personality, you know, like Drew Barrymore, she's just a wonderful, wonderful human being.
And we know that, but she's got a departure from, you know, pure, absolute beauty. And that's what makes her unique. So there's beauty in any imperfections.
And that's something that my girlfriend at the time didn't have. But we went up there and we looked down from the Hollywood sign and we saw the perimeter. We saw the puzzle that is Hollywood for her and looked down and knew that everyone you're going to have to impress, everyone that you're impressed by in the movie industry is down there. You can see it. And the puzzle becomes much more.
attainable. It becomes smaller. And so she did really good work. I'm really proud of her. And The Gambit.
Where are the DHVs? There's a bunch of them. So you illustrated that you have a girl. You illustrated that you have a girl that's very attractive.
You illustrated that you have a girl that's in show business, that's an actress. People have probably seen her movies before. You took her on an adventure.
You went ahead, which is risk-taking. You went up and touched the Hollywood sign. You're in Los Angeles, which shows social proof to a degree, especially being with an actress.
Pre-selection because you have a girl. Yeah, like, I mean, pretty much, let's see here. I think you pretty much touched every attraction trigger besides, oh yeah, protect a loved one because you were bigging her up, speaking well about her. Willingness to emote, I would say, is probably because you're able to identify with her not getting the role. Feeling bad for her for not getting the role because you feel that she earns it.
Yeah, pretty much. Social proof. Yeah, all of the five triggers were shown during the course of that story.
And that's one of many. Yeah. So if you sequence a series of DHV stories together, you will elicit indicators of interest at some point. When she starts showing those IOIs, when you get two or three of them, start to qualify her.
Qualifying is a high-valued male behavior. You only need 80% of attraction to then begin qualifying, where she'll want to qualify, whereby the very act of qualifying... We'll get you the rest of the 20% of attraction. It's a high-valued male behavior.
Make sense? Yeah. And then you're offered the comfort with her, where she legitimately likes you for reasons that she's witnessed or has heard from you that she is responding to.
She's reacting to the DHVs with IOIs. As David D'Angelo says of Double Your Dating, attraction is not a choice. And there's a gambit for everything. There's qualifying gambits.
So anything you need, there's a gambit for it. What would you guys say is the number one? Because you guys have worked with probably thousands of men at this point. You guys have been doing this for a very long time.
You guys are out there in the field, still hitting it hard, traveling all over the place, meeting men from different religions, cultures, countries, everything. What have you guys noticed is the biggest mistake that most guys make during... This pickup process. Well, the first one is they don't smile on the end That's the first one.
They don't have to smile the whole way through the set Next is they don't apply structure to their game. Okay. Wow, so there's kind of nothing in it They don't have material to fill in the timeline.
They don't have gambits. They don't have opener gambits. That is to know your opener, to know what you're going to say before you have even left the house, never mind before you've approached the set. That's a failure, not knowing what to say. You'll be much more confident in opening a set if you have an opener.
We say to go out for about 30, when you're starting out, 30 text files, gambits, openers, routines, a total of 30. But a good amount would be around 300. 300 text files in your head will build a robust pickup system to handle a myriad of approach scenarios. Yes. About 300 text files. Some of them are one-liners.
You know, like if I drop something by accident, I'll say, leave it there. It's being punished. Right? Or another one is, that's my floor show. Or did you feel that gravity pull?
It was like an earthquake. Did you feel that? Just pulled it right on my hand.
You okay? So there's three ways of getting around dropping something, for instance. Yeah. We always have gambits.
Some of them are large gambits. It's being gambit-centered, in fact. Having gambits to open.
Those are openers, and you can stack openers. They're short stories. They're quick.
When a topic doesn't hit, instead of giving up, like a comedian, like a pro comedian, you know, he doesn't get the laugh, he doesn't give an F, he just... Moves forward to the next one. Yeah.
But it's the amateur that gives up when he doesn't get a laugh. Yeah. Rather than move on to the next topic and keep the show going. The show must go on.
People just shoot themselves in the foot by going in and hoping to get IOIs rather than eliciting them. And what happens when they open and they don't get these IOIs, they feel like they're being rejected. Because, oh, she's not.
she's not interested in me you didn't make her interested in you you weren't interesting so you have to be interesting in order to get a woman interested in it's a lot like um like a roller coaster ride. A roller coaster is an attraction, isn't it? It doesn't mean you want to mount it.
You just want to take a ride. You just are interested in seeing what's up. It's an attraction.
That's what I am. I'm not getting her physically attracted to me. I'm just getting her interested. That level of attraction.
We baby step it. You just get them interested in you at first. You become an interesting man in order to do that. Those are some thoughts there. Okay.
I had a question. Yeah, go ahead. So you guys have all traveled, traveling the world, doing different seminars and activities with your students.
But let me ask you this. When it comes to countries, what is the best country to pick up women in, in your opinion? Well, we've got a handful, I would say.
Helsinki, Finland. I love Helsinki. The women are beautiful. The women are intelligent, the women are educated, the women are beautiful, blue-eyed, generally blonde.
Help me in. Gorgeous women. I'm there.
A mix between Swedish and Russian, an alien beauty, and the entire city of Helsinki comes out on Vapu Festival on that weekend. They come out and they drink copious amounts of Sima, which is a champagne that they drink on the streets. Everyone comes out, so you get to see all the beauty that that city is filled with. Very, very grateful to have gone out there many times with Baxter.
I did have a three-year relationship with a beautiful young lady who was Finnish. So... We've gone back many times.
We'll go again. Yeah, we always do a boot camp every year there. Hey, actually, you can check out some videos of it.
If you put in Mystery Helsinki, you'll find some adventures. We will be there. That's a first.
I've never heard anyone say Finland. Okay. You said a white blue eyes? Nigga, I'm there. What's it left?
Yes, sir! You know the most beautiful girls in Hollywood are not from Hollywood. They're from somewhere else. Where are they from?
They're from Europe. You're right, yeah. They're from Finland.
They're from Sweden. They're from Russia. Those are some of the most beautiful women that are in Hollywood.
Or the tourists that you'll find even all the way to Indonesia. If you go to Bali, you're going to find Russian clubs. Entire nights with Russian music and beautiful Russian girls. who are on vacation you know you we're looking for the tourists generally when we travel even to spain we're doing a boot camp in spain next i'll be focused more mostly you know respectfully on the tourists that that show up there yeah so anywhere in the world will do as long as it's a target rich city a target rich venue that we go to Two cups a night, sometimes three.
That's right. We do many venues per weekend so that we keep it fresh and we keep it busy. Keep it fresh. I like that. Real quick.
What about Baxter? What's your favorite place, Baxter? Yeah, Baxter, yeah, for you. So we know mysteries of Finland. Helsinki as well.
Moscow, St. Petersburg, Kiev, Odessa, which is in Ukraine. Anywhere in Scandinavia. Iceland's amazing. Gotcha. What is the worst place for you guys that you dislike in your opinion for pickup?
I don't want to diss anywhere Keep it real man. You can say it. Keep it a B.
America the UK it whatever you guys demand that you guys think it's the worst That's the worst we bring. Oh, I know I'll give one Yeah, and and I and I love the city, but the women aren't you know for you for me uh san francisco oh yeah yeah yeah maybe you know i'm gonna give the excuse of maybe i've been to the wrong venues too many dudes over there man get to the right no you're right i just a lot of complaints about sf the beautiful women are yeah where they were no that's bro that i've heard from literally a million guys that san franc is literally one of the worst places for dating for men yeah there's not enough women there's uh it's mostly dudes because obviously the tech industry over there it's expensive I've heard many complaints about San Francisco. What about you, Baxter? I think Dublin, and I am part Irish. Oh, okay.
So, you know, but I'm not a fan of Dublin. Okay. So every guy has a type.
Maybe it might be boobs, ass, facial structures, whatever it may be. Mystery, what is your type? Face and personality.
Of course she'll have a beautiful body. She'll be fit. However, face and personality for me.
I sucker for a beautiful face and I'm looking for a strong personality who could match mine. Ministry and who? In this double act, I'm looking for someone who will travel with me. Be a part of it. No ass, no titties, don't matter.
Are we talking about titties? Oh, it's how we should live. It depends on the girl, doesn't it?
It just depends. Wait, wait, wait. Excuse me, Bextra. Sorry, sorry.
We were talking about titties. Tell me more. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here we go, here we go.
See, I'm an ass guy. I'm black, bro. Madagascar, let's get it real.
So, hey, you know what? We'll go on mystery. I'm going to go with the ass. You got to go with the titties.
Let's go. What do you guys think about Miami? I'd like to get your guys take on doing pickup in Miami. Yeah, I lived there. I lived in just outside of South Beach.
Really? Okay. And for a year with Matador and Love Drop. Love Drop from the book Revelation. Matador from the TV show.
And we lived there a year together in a mansion. And pulled, you know, copious amounts of girls back to our pad from South Beach. I love South Beach. but it's its own animal, its own game.
You know, just like New York is its own game, getting up to those rooftop patio bars, you know, getting in, is very different from Las Vegas. That has its own game too, you know, for good or for bad. When were you in Miami?
When were you living here? I don't recall. It must be 15 years ago now.
Oh, wow. Okay, okay. Yeah, it was after the TV shows.
Gotcha. Or during it, during the TV shows and after. I'll tell you this. South Beach has one of the best populations for tourists.
That's where they always go, South Beach. Yeah, yeah. Miami's changed a lot, man. When you come back, you'll see it's changed significantly from back then.
It's actually becoming a major city now because all the New Yorkers are moving down here in general from the cost of living being too high in New York and everything else like that. I find it's got a very sexual vibe. It's quite friendly.
It's got a more sexual vibe there than anywhere else I've been in America. Yeah, it definitely can. Yeah, I enjoyed it.
I think we got the highest concentration of attractive women here as well versus other places in the United States. Well, let's start mince words here. It's Helsinki.
Helsinki? You think Helsinki has the most? Well, I mean in the United States.
I've never been to Helsinki, so I can't comment. You guys got to come with us next time. Bro, we are down.
Yeah, I'm down. I don't know. Myron, are you down? No, no, no. I'm down, man.
I like Europe. Listen, man. Europe is, I mean, yeah.
We need to explore more. Yeah. Real quick.
Mystery. Were you able to reconnect with Neil Strauss at all? Yeah. Or no? Oh, we got to read the chats.
We forgot. Well, let me tell you, I don't feel like I've disconnected from Neil. However, he's got two children. I've got two children. Mine are in the UK.
He's in Malibu right now. So. you know, we don't get to see each other enough. And I was there for 10 days and we couldn't connect during that time. We were both apologetic about it and we plan on seeing each other the next time I'm down, which will be in a few months.
So I'm definitely, you know, still good friends with him. I love the man. He's genius.
He's a great writer, a gifted writer. And I look up to him. Yeah, I think he does such great work.
It humbles me. You know, I've written books too, but his books are, I can easily say it, his books are damn good. The book, The Game. Hey, did you hear it maybe turned into a movie?
I heard that years ago with James Franco playing me, but that got scuttled. It was written about in The Hollywood Reporter, though, so, you know, I thought that it was really going to happen. So that's still pending with Neil.
Perhaps that will one day come out. One of his books. books has already turned into a movie and that is the dirt about motley crew on netflix uh maybe they'll do more that'll be dope last thing from me before we read the chats rob you met mystery back in the day but what told you like obviously you know he was with girls you met him out and you know in the game but what told you you know what this guy right here is gonna be my partner we're gonna ride out to the sunset make seminars, make people happy, change their lives.
What told you that Mystery was that guy for you? Well, I mean, I was working as a director in a pickup company already in London, and Mystery was doing a book tour. And I was running VIP clubs all over London as well.
So I said, I've got a space for you. And afterwards, everyone could just party in the VIP club. So Mystery came down, met over 100 people, did a free two-hour talk, did autographs, pictures. And then we met a couple of girls, bounced somewhere else and then somewhere else and decided to be wingmen for a while. went on the road, did a few boot camps and then just kept doing them.
The rest was history. Wow. Simple stuff. Alright. I like it.
Guys, in the chat we have similar sensibilities. We've got commonalities. We both absolutely love women. So guys, I'll read the chats real quick. If you guys got questions for these two legends, let me know.
Get them in now and then we'll close out here soon. Cam2Time says, as a coach, it's insane to me how some parents treat and look at their kids. A lot of these kids'home situations are ridiculous, not from a living condition standpoint. A lot of these kids are immensely fucked up because of what their parents did to them, SMH. Wait, what?
Is that from today? Yeah, that's a random one. That's random. Okay.
Glock, or Geek2Sheet goes, Mystery is one of the godfathers of the PUA RP movement. I remember watching old vids of Mystery Style, Love Drop, Bad Boy, Matador. Such great content and the tactics can still hold up to this day. No, for sure.
Where's Matador now, actually? Where's he now, Mystery? Matador.
That's a very good question. The truth is, 15 years ago, he dropped me off at the airport and we said, see you on the flip side, as we normally did. And I went to Toronto. And I've never spoken to him since.
Wow. His ex-girlfriend was asking me where he was. So he hasn't been social.
There's no social media for him. I did hear through the grapevine, through a friend of a friend, that he had had a child. And that was many years ago.
So maybe he's busy. Understood. Okay. All right.
Right where Rashad goes. Mystery, I read the game with you and Neil back in 2008 or so. You guys changed my life.
I met my wife because of the Cube game. You are a fucking legend, man. Thank you.
Hey, bro. Thank you. And then anything else?
Yeah. Oh, two more? Okay.
WFNF love from Canada keep the good shit up y'all absolutely man Slim Mo Bob goes boxing gave me a positive regression that regular workouts don't I'm a truck driver who's on the road and I haven't boxed in a while do you think shadow boxing can help me maintain that fighter's regression yeah it definitely can but you want to be sparring as well anything else no that's it caught up real quick there's an argument mystery you can help me here with this argument in your opinion I've been around a lot of celebrities a lot of artists and they tell me one Place has the baddest girls they've seen now you said obviously Helsinki, but they're saying Toronto Can you tell me why that is if possible? Toronto Baxter and I have our last boot camp. We have just recently in mid-january completed a boot camp in Toronto negative 17 degree weather Guess what party is still happening guys You know, don't let the rain, don't let the snow, don't let the hail stop you from getting to the party. It's what we call grind to find. We grind.
The grind is logistical. It's getting to the party. It's letting go of all the baggage and excuses to not gain.
And that's a part of grinding. So you have to get through the rain to get there. And once you get there.
You are in a bubble of love. So 90% is grind defined and 10% is bubble of love. And some people give up in the grind. They just give up. They don't get to the venue.
So they don't even have a chance to face beauty head on and strike her heart. Wow. That's powerful. No, that's.
So Toronto, yes or no for hotties? Yes? No? Toronto? There's some gems.
Rooftop patio bars? Yes, yes. Toronto has some beautiful women there.
But I'll tell you, generally, it's a great city. If you go with a girl to that city and you go explore it together, I think you'll have way more fun than going there specifically for pickup. The difference between going to Las Vegas for a weekend versus going to Toronto for a weekend, it's different.
You know, and you want to spend more time in Toronto. There's a lot of things to do that are good dating, you know, mutual scenarios that you can do on a date. All right. Shit.
Well, no, this was great, man. Okay, I got one more question. What would you say is the most important component in the mystery method that people need to have down-packed?
I think the five keys. Okay. If you get the five keys down, the first is structure, which we talked about. The second is material. The third is the delivery of that material.
You know, a very important key is the delivery. Tonality, all of that. Right? Tonality, pacing, pauses, you know, adding pauses to draw people in, to turn it from simply stimulating the set to activating the set. There's volume and velocity.
That's another key. Volume is how many sets you do in a night and velocity is how much time you waffle between sets. So you want to capture, you know, your time, like use your time wisely and, uh, and have many sets in a night.
You know, if you're a newbie, I would recommend a dozen sets a night, 12 sets a night. That's the game. Yeah.
You know, when you read the book, the game, what was the game we were playing? The game was 12 sets a night. So that's it. 12 sets a night. And out of that, we would try to draw as many cool groups, you know, are they cool, to our after party, which was at Project Hollywood.
So that was the game. The game was 12 sets a night, four nights a week. You know, you go out more than you stay home.
And that was to develop a skill set, not just a numbers game to get lots of girls, but rather because some of them had tough times getting girls. with the game that they were using. So they had to develop game and that takes practice.
Yeah. So you go into a nightclub environment, like a dojo, like a practice ground in order to socialize, get your social skills up to speed for a time in the future. When a woman of particular quality comes along, you'll then have the skillset to attract her. Bam.
Well, um, I would definitely like to do a part two in the future. I think we gave you guys just kind of a snippet of, you know, the structure and the game and everything else like that. But I don't want to take up too much of Mystery's time because, guys, he's on UK time. It's very late over there. Mystery, where can the people find you?
How can they get in contact with you and Baxter? Please let them know. Well, we're doing a boot camp in Barcelona end of the month. And if you'd like to train with us live, I think the number one advice I could ever give is seek a mentor and in this case seek to mystery and dexter will be in barcelona end of the month you can reach me at instagram my instagram handle is ask mystery and you can find my content that is my digital store is filled with pickup related content that i think you'd find very helpful in my digital store it's at ask mystery dot com. Bam.
Guys, he is Mystery. He is Baxter. We had two legends on the pod. Definitely want to do a part two on this where we get even more into the structure and how to do this.
But guys, thank you so much for coming on the pod, man. It was literally an honor. I've been waiting to do this interview for a very long time and I think the audience was definitely, definitely enjoyed it. Got their pens and papers out and learned a lot here.
Trust me, Mystery, I think you've read your book like 10 times already. He's a true fan of you, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really. No, definitely.
Like, bro, you can't say, you can't talk about pickup unless you talk about mystery. You just can't. So thank you for pioneering a movement, man, and helping guys understand women.
Because really, you guys did what a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists can never do, which is crack the code to attraction when it comes to intersexual dynamics between the genders. And you actually solved the mystery. Fresh.
Come on, man. No! That's great.
The bad jokes, man. It works, bro. It works.
I'm telling you, it works. No, man. Thank you guys so much, man. Guys, don't forget to like the video. Check these guys out.
Askmystery.com. Check them out on Instagram. They're going to be in Barcelona at the end of the month.
I definitely highly suggest if you want to go ahead and get your cold approach up, these are the originators. Get with these guys. Go out to Spain. Meet some beautiful women alongside them.
We'll catch you guys on the next episode. Peace. Peace. I ran, and I'm so far away. I just ran, I don't know why I'm here.
Exploring the Complexity of Female Sexuality
Let's talk about sex and more specifically, why women have it, why they would ever want to have it with you. Female sexuality has been a murky area in psychology for almost a century now. Freud famously said at one point, "The great question that has never been answered, which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is what do women want?" Among researchers, it was long thought that female arousal was tied to ideas and displays of security, investment, and commitment, particularly from high-status men.
But if you think about it, you know, you're in the real world. This doesn't really make sense, because unfortunately for psychologists, women don't light candles and lay in their bathtubs masturbating to a mortgage and a white picket fence. They fantasize about far different and stranger things.
In her book, My Secret Garden, the journalist Nancy Friday collected anonymous sexual fantasies from women around the world. If you ever want your mind expanded in an interesting way, check it out. There are women out there who get turned on by some really, well, let's call it "creative" stuff. We're talking about gangbangs, rape, weird locations and positions, anonymous men, and so on and so forth. So this sort of data grew a bit of a monkey wrench into everything.
For many years, scientists didn't really know where to start. With men, it was pretty easy. We're primarily visually stimulated, and we generally all like similar features. Symmetry, certain hip-to-waist ratio, large breasts, etc.
But with women, you may as well throw shit at a dartboard, because that's about as far as things were getting. One new conclusion in arousal research these days is that female arousal is somewhat narcissistic in nature. Women are turned on by being wanted or being desired.
Note. Men are as well, although since female arousal is affected more by psychological stimuli than physical stimuli on average, this is far more important for female arousal. This actually explains some of the odd and disparate things that seem to turn some women on. seemingly disconnected events that arouse within. A romantic marriage proposal, in one instance, being tied up to the bathroom sink, in another, makes sense when viewed this way.
Both indicate an extreme desire in her by a man, a man who's willing to sacrifice everything to be with her. In one instance, the man is willing to commit his entire life to her. In another, he's willing to go to physical extremes for her, both her high and When women say that just because they have rape fantasies doesn't mean they want to be raped, this is what they mean. What they want is to be desired.
An unhinged desire. A passionate and uncontrollable desire. They want to be desired to the point that a man completely loses awareness and self-control.
The actual rape part, I'm sure none of them would actually enjoy. My experience supports this as well. Those in the men's dating advice industry have discovered over the past five years or so that the more assertively you pursue a woman, the more aroused she becomes. There's something almost magical about an uninhibited physicality when being with Something as simple as taking a guy who usually stands there blabbering for hours about meteorology or something, if you take that same guy and have him put his arm around the woman he's talking to, or have him lightly touch her, as if punctuating his points and jokes, this generates way more sexual tension. Indeed, sexuality, in the end, is all about movement and our bodies and joining themselves.
Everything else is kind of just a means to reach that point. I'm gonna say this point blank: Getting physical with women, and getting physical quickly and comfortably, is ultimately the difference between having a lot of female friends and having a lot of girlfriends and dates. Being physical with women is by far the most integral piece of seduction in dating women. If you have it, you will constantly have options. If you don't, you will spend a lot of time alone.
I have a friend. He's a decent looking guy. He almost never approaches, except when he's drunk.
He's awkward to talk to. He has a strange sense of humor. But he gets physical with women.
He touches them early. He touches them often. And even if they don't reciprocate or move away, he tries again. In other words, he's always going for it. And you know what?
He gets laid constantly. With hot women, too. It's amazing.
I used to hang out with him and I would watch him awkwardly stumble around conversations, drink a little too much, and awkwardly putting his arm around girls as the girls sat there with a look of confusion. I'd watch him and think to myself, "Oh man, what a disaster." And then I'd come back 20 minutes later and he'd be making out with her. And then an hour later, she'd be excitedly going home with him.
Ethical note here. If a woman clearly tells you to stop doing something, stop. Don't take offense, but instead, ask her if she's uncomfortable and or why she's uncomfortable.
Often, it's not that she doesn't like you, it's just that you're moving too fast for her. Always respect her boundaries and clarify as early as possible what she's comfortable with and what her expectations are. Not only is this the vulnerable thing to do, it's also the respectful thing to do.
Being physical with women is a necessary habit that most men are poor with. Most men are a bit shy and hesitant when it comes to making moves, touching the first kiss, sexual touching, etc. Well, that needs to stop. From now on, you are a sexually assertive and dominant guy and you have no shame about it.
We'll also discover that women actually prefer you to be this way. There are two reasons for being physically assertive with women. The first is polarization. You want to establish whether she's sexually interested in you as soon as you possibly can. The second reason is that being physical is bold and, therefore, a highly attractive form of flirting.
Studies have shown that people being touched by somebody when they first meet them not only have a much higher probability of thinking favorably of them, but they also were shown to trust them quicker. So how do you touch a girl right off the bat? As you're having a conversation with her, assuming she is receptive, just lightly touch her on the arm, near the elbow.
Don't press hard, or hold it, as that could startle her. But just a small brush or tap or light squeeze. Use your touching to punctuate the conversation, as if emphasizing a funny moment, or the punchline of the joke. Think of touching as the exclamation marks or question marks of the dialogue.
For instance, Let's say you make a clever joke and she begins to laugh really hard. You should put your hand on her arm to punctuate the emotion of the moment. The best way to touch is to integrate physicality into your conversation. For example, Using games such as Thumb Wars, twirling her like a ballerina, or giving high fives are great ways to initiate physical contact. As the conversation goes on, the better things are going, the more you want to be touching, and the more personal you want your touches to be.
Your touching should happen in a progression. In general, you want to start on the outside of her body. Her arms and legs slowly move closer into her body. Put your hand on her back as you move her to sit down with you. Put your arm around her lower back as she leans against the bar next to you, etc.
Later on, this progression will continue into intimacy. Tickling, massages, cuddling, or spooning. And from there, it will continue on into kissing, petting, and becoming sexual. Signals women give.
Men are notoriously bad at recognizing signals women give them when they're interested. In the courtship process, it's always the man's responsibility to take action and make the moves. And the woman's responsibility to give him signals, telling him when to proceed and when to stop. Throughout this chapter, we will be discussing physically escalating the war. This involves touching her in sexual ways.
As men, we're kind of stuck in a weird place. Because on the one hand, we're always expected to initiate and make the first move. And on the other, we're supposed to respect a woman's desires and write to her own body.
This is why, before proceeding with advice about getting sexual with women, I want to take a moment to list out the signals women give that indicate she is sexually interested in you. You should see these somewhat as invitations to proceed with it physically. Although, due to potential miscommunication, don't make too many assumptions. What we're looking for is a consistent stream of signals coming from her to you.
Pre-approach signals mean she wants to talk to you. Conversational signals mean she wants to get closer to you physically. And escalation signals mean that she wants to get sick from you.
View these signals as green lights when they come up, but only to move to the next group of signals. I.e. just because a woman makes eye contact with you, doesn't mean she wants to fuck you right then and there. Just means she's curious about talking to you. Take it one step at a time.
And remember, she always has the right to back out or change her mind at any moment. Pre-approach signals. Non-accidental eye contact. When in doubt, assume it's not accidental. Humans are programmed to look at and focus on whatever they're either curious about or what they find attractive.
If she's looking at you even 10% more than the average stranger, then she's at least somewhat curious/interested in you. I make a point to approach every woman who makes non-accidental eye contact with me, and it serves me well. Smiling. If eye contact means she's interested, this means you better come talk to me.
She approaches you. This goes without saying, although a lot of guys are so oblivious they even miss this. If a woman approaches you, even if it's to ask the time, about weather, her directions, or whatever, chances are she has some interest in talking to you.
Proximity. This one is subtle. But the more you work on your lifestyle, body language, and style, the more of these you will get. It's when a woman places herself conspicuously near you when she doesn't have to.
For instance, let's say you're sitting on a bus, and an attractive woman gets on. The entire bus is empty, yet she comes over and sits across from you. This could mean she wants you to talk to her.
Some other examples are when a woman comes and stands near you in a store or shop. looking at nothing in particular for a long amount of time. Conversation signals: Excessive smiling/laughing.
This is subjective and will require some judgment, but sometimes you will notice one girl smiling and laughing a lot more than others when you speak. Chances are she likes you. Flipping or playing with her hair. Classic signal of flirtation and often done unconsciously.
Eyes dilate. Studies have shown our eyes dilate when we look at someone we're attracted to. Hard to notice, especially in some nighttime scenario.
But this gives her eyes a much bigger and wider look than normal. What you may call big doe eyes. Standing closer to you than normal. Self-explanatory. Pay attention to where she positions herself while talking to you.
If it's slightly within your bubble of personal space, that probably indicates she's interested in getting physical with you. Excessive eye contact. Same as excessive smiling.
If she's locked onto your gaze during a conversation, that means she's very interested in what you have to say. Most people break eye contact very often, especially with people they just met. If she doesn't, that means she's interested in you.
prioritizes you. Another very subjective one. This can be very subtle, but it's when her actions subtly show you that she prioritizes you over interacting with others.
Classic example here is if you meet a girl at a bar and her friends come over and try to talk to her and she ignores her friends. Most women, if they don't like you, will drop you like a hot potato when their friends come around. But if she ignores her friends or stays with you, that's a clear indication that she likes you. Escalation signals, isolates herself with you.
Oftentimes, the most overt advances a woman will make won't be in actually making a move. That's your job. But they'll actively work to put you in the easiest situation possible. Let's say I've been hanging out with a woman at a small party for most of the night, and she suddenly says, let's take a walk around the block.
It's noisy in here. She's purposefully isolating herself with me as much as possible. This typically means she wants to be kissed.
Ditches her friends for you. Goes along with the above. It takes a lot for a woman to leave her friends behind for a guy.
Especially one she's only known for a few hours or one night. If she does this, take it as a bright green light. Touches you.
If she starts putting her hands on your arms or legs, or is demonstrating, or reciprocating, any of the touching I described in the previous section, this is a clear signal. She is sexually interested in you and wants to be kissed. When to go for the kiss. When it comes to kissing a woman, there's an old adage amongst dating coaches.
If you think you can kiss her, you probably could have ten minutes ago. We men are horrible at gauging a woman's sexual desire and when she's ready to move things forward. So, in general, it's safe to assume that anytime you think you could kiss her, you probably already could have. Too many guys get hung up looking for sign after sign when women have been giving them signals all night. Think of it this way: It's much better to try and kiss her and get rejected than to go the whole night without making a move and never knowing what would have been.
So the rule of thumb is, when in doubt, go for it. If you go in for the kiss and she turns her head or doesn't reciprocate, pull back and ask her how she's feeling. If she likes you, or if you're moving too fast, listen to her response. Often women will want to kiss you, but there's something that's worrying them, or upsetting them, or making them self-conscious.
The best way to deal with this is through vulnerability, and simply asking her to be honest with whatever the issue is. There are some women who don't kiss in public places. They feel like it's in bad taste and poor form.
No matter how much they like you, they won't do it. The same goes if she's in front of a bunch of people she knows. If she's standing right next to four of her coworkers, she's probably not going to feel comfortable making out with you.
Try moving her somewhere more private. Some notes on kissing well. Don't slobber all over her face.
Don't jam your tongue down her throat. Heavy tongue has its place, but it's usually in the bedroom when you guys are naked. Don't heck her like she's your grandmother.
Don't shove your face into hers or apply too much pressure. Kisses are sensual. Imagine you're massaging her lips with yours. A lot of kissing revolves around how you use your hands as well.
Your hands should be roaming her body gently, caressing her back, gently holding her neck, pulling her hips into yours. One of my favorite things to do while making out with a girl is to grab her belt loops on her pants and pull her hips into mine. Don't get ahead of yourself when you're kissing.
Too many men start making out with a woman and then immediately go into "Okay, let's fuck" mode where they practically start molesting her wherever they are and devouring her face. Cool it. Kissing is simply the gateway to greater and deeper intimacy.
Enjoy it. Play with it. Relax into it.
Moving forward and consent. So, you've kissed her. Now what? Assuming you're in a discreet place, you've both gotten to know each other and you're both "fuck yes" about going further, then it's time to escalate things towards sex.
Usually, the place to touch a woman that indicates you're ready for sex, and that isn't acceptable unless she is as well, are her breasts. If your hands find your way to them and she's into it, then this is usually an indication that things are going to go further. But, believe it or not, women don't just want to drop their pants and screw right there on the spot.
Whereas men are like a microwave that you just press a button and the food is ready to go, women are like an oven. They need to be warmed up, preheated even. Remember, female arousal is primarily psychological.
Therefore, there needs to be a sense of build-up to sex. You don't just go from kissing to screwing. Some women do, but typically not. Usually, you need to build up from light touching, to kissing, to kissing close from the hands, to some close off, and more touching, and so on.
Women will often object at this point and say they just want to mess around and not have sex itself. The correct answer to any objection is always, "That's fine. We'll do whatever you're comfortable doing." The point is to have an enjoyable experience, not to get more notches on your bedpost. Yes, women often say, we're not going to have sex tonight, and then go ahead and have sex.
And that's fine too. Just accept that these things are often fluid, and both you and her can opt in or opt out at any time without shame or judgment. A quick note about rape, because unfortunately I have to put something in it.
Remember, our general guideline here is that we continue until a woman makes a stop. This means she physically stops you, i.e. moves your hands off of her, moves away from you, puts her clothes back on, etc. Or clearly and verbally says "stop" or "no".
If she's incapacitated to the point, drunk, drugs, etc., where she probably couldn't opt out or make a clear decision, then you should stop. End of story. Physicality is something you have to practice and become comfortable at.
Every man develops his own style and personality to how he likes to touch, where he likes to touch, and how he likes to move things forward. And as you develop your own style of physicality, you will begin to get a sense for when women are comfortable with what. The important thing is to see sex as not something you are earning or taking from a woman, but rather something you two are participating in together.
It's a team effort. Because believe it or not, women want sex too. They want wild, passionate, crazy sex.
Just like you do. Sex. Oh my god, bro, you're totally gonna get laid tonight! No, seriously. Once you've got some clothes off and you're both on a bed, couch, bathroom floor, or wherever you plan on doing the dirty, you've now entered the realm of foreplay.
Sadly, men overlook foreplay because we're just too damn excited about getting our dicks wet. The more foreplay there is, the hotter your woman's going to be. The better sex she's going to have, which means the better sex you'll have.
This is a team sport, remember? A good place to start is by sucking and massaging her bare breasts. Some girls who like it rougher like it when you gently bite on their nipples.
But be careful. Not every girl is into that. From there, you should at least finger her or rub her clitoris.
Feel how wet she is. If she's wet, then slowly keep moving things forward. If she's dry, then slow down and take your time.
She needs more time to get warmed up. If you enjoy giving girls oral sex, this is an excellent time to do that as well. If you give good oral sex, most girls won't be able to resist the urge to have sex then and there. Some will even grab you if they can do it. The most important thing to keep in mind about foreplay is the concept of teasing or expectation.
As you do the things talked about above, don't just rush into them and devour her. That can be cool sometimes, but in general, you want to take things slow. Create a drawn out and sensual experience.
Girls love to be teased. For instance, instead of just shoving your finger inside her and going at it, try lightly touching her pussy with your fingertips for a few seconds. She'll go crazy and want you inside her more than ever.
Instead of just giving her oral sex, start off slow by kissing the inside of her thighs, inching closer and closer. Create expectation. Make her yearn for whatever you're about to do to her. Stuff like this drives girls crazy and makes them incredibly horny.
If you do this well and repeatedly, you'll often get girls pushing you down and forcing you to have sex. The expectation is too much. They have to have it. Right then and there. When it comes to sex, more important than any physical technique, some cruel angle or position or whatever, is being dominant.
Sexual gratification for women is far more psychological than it is physical, whereas for men, it's mostly physical. A large component of this, psychological satisfaction, comes from being dominated and surrendering control. Women like to feel like you have the power and the control in the bedroom. They want you to be assertive and strong with what you want. So how do you become dominant in bed?
One, be loud. Make noise. Grunt.
Breathe hard. Women love this because it makes them feel like they can be loud. They're loud, they get off easier.
Wrong. Two. Talk dirty.
Tell her how sexy she is. Tell her what you're gonna do to her before you do it. Call her a dirty girl and a horny slut. This may be outside your comfort zone, but realize that in the bedroom, the rules change. Logic goes out the window.
Three. Get physical. Spank her.
Pull her hair. Hold her down with one hand. When you change positions, literally pick her up and move her yourself. 4. Don't ever ask, "Is this okay? Do you want to do X?" Just do it and stop later if she doesn't like it and apologize. Nothing turns a girl off faster than a guy who defers to her too much while having sex.
Take control. Do what turns you on, and that will then turn her on. The most important habit to develop by far is to talk and be expressive in the bedroom. There has to be an open forum of communication when you sleep with one another, especially the first few times you're together.
Sex is always somewhat awkward the first time you're with a new person. Everybody engages in different practices, habits, and prefers different things. It takes a while to learn each other's tendencies and adapt to one another's likes and dislikes.
This requires you to have a sense of humor in the bedroom. Goofy and weird moments are going to happen in the sack, and most people are at their most insecure when they're naked, lying under someone they just met a week ago. Have a sense of humor. Be understanding. Relax.
One of my favorite jokes in the bedroom when stuff goes awry is, "They make it look so easy in the movies." If you can get a girl to crack up, she'll forget she's naked, forget she's in a strange position, and forget that you just screwed up, and just be with you, laughing with you. Also, be honest. If you don't like the way she gives a blowjob, tell her, and then tell her how you do like it.
But also, be honest with the compliments.
Understanding Sexual Scripts and Behavior
Abstract Hardly any subjects enjoy greater – public or private – interest than the art of flirtation and seduction. However, interpersonal approach behavior not only paves the way for sexual interaction and reproduction, but it simultaneously integrates non-sexual psychobiological and cultural standards regarding consensus and social norms. In the present paper, we use script theory, a concept that extends across psychological and cultural science, to assess behavioral options during interpersonal approaches. Specifically, we argue that approaches follow scripted event sequences that entail ambivalence as an essential communicative element. On the one hand, ambivalence may facilitate interpersonal approaches by maintaining and provoking situational uncertainty, so that the outcome of an action – even after several approaches and dates – remains ambiguous. On the other hand, ambivalence may increase the risk for sexual aggression or abuse, depending on the individual’s abilities, the circumstances, and the intentions of the interacting partners. Recognizing latent sequences of sexually aggressive behavior, in terms of their rigid structure and behavioral options, may thus enable individuals to use resources efficiently, avoid danger, and extricate themselves from assault situations. We conclude that interdisciplinary script knowledge about ambivalence as a core component of the seduction script may be helpful for counteracting subtly aggressive intentions and preventing sexual abuse. We discuss this with regard to the nature-nurture debate as well as phylogenetic and ontogenetic aspects of interpersonal approach behavior and its medial implementation.
Keywords: script, seduction, interpersonal approach behavior, psychology, cultural science, sexual aggression, sexual abuse, nature-nurture debate
Goals There is hardly any topic that inspires more private or public interest than interpersonal erotic approach behavior. With reference to mating, approach behavior usually encompasses seduction and attachment as well as falling or being in love. Flirting is part of the anthropological appurtenance, serving to initiate sexual and reproductive interactions (Frazier et al., 1995; Williams et al., 1999; Henningsen, 2004; Henningsen et al., 2008). Yet, interdisciplinary research has neglected either its psychobiological or its socio-cultural foundation. In the present paper on the research topic “Intercultural mental health: exceptional cognition and mating success,” we combine these two scientific aspects. In the first part of our paper, we use the script concept as a notion that extends across psychological and cultural science. We argue that seduction scripts follow predictable and stable event sequences that encompass heteronormatively rigid gender roles and sexist stereotypes. In the second part, we discuss how the reason for this rigidity may stem from a central part of the interpersonal approach, namely, ambivalence. While communicative ambivalence may facilitate sexual approaches, it also increases the risk for unwanted sexual interactions and sexual abuse. We provide insight into how interdisciplinary script knowledge may be helpful for the early detection and prevention of sexual abuse. Finally, in the third part, we examine relatively stable psychobiological as well as historically and culturally differing constituents of seduction scripts. With reference to the nature-nurture debate, we discuss future scientific and societal goals for interdisciplinary seduction research in psychology and cultural science. Conclusively, the present paper may offer a symbiotic interdisciplinary consideration of onto- and phylogenetic standards with regard to consensus in pre-sexual and sexual activities.1
Mental and Cultural Scripts The Origin of the Collaboration The theoretical model of the interpersonal approach script provides the scientific basis for the collaboration between cognitive neuropsychology and narratological cultural science. Schank and Abelson (1977) developed the idea that any behavior that is imagined, planned, or executed can be attributed to stable and rigid event sequences. Specifically, the conceptual representations of event sequences – or activities – in long-term memory, such as “brushing one’s teeth” or “going to the dentist” have been termed mental scripts. Technically, they are mentally structured along a rigid temporal dimension from the beginning of an activity until its end (Grafman, 1995; Rosen et al., 2003). Scripts entail stereotypical and situationally bound expectations and goal hierarchies, which reinforce (socially and culturally accepted) behavior (Landgraf et al., 2011, 2012). Thereby, scripts improve the predictability of events and reduce cognitive resource allocation, which represents cognitive effort, during event planning and action execution (Zacks and Tversky, 2001; Zacks and Swallow, 2007).2 This means, firstly, that mental scripts are determined by individual predispositions, e.g., emotional and cognitive capacities. Secondly, social and cultural factors play an important role in script formation. According to the “social cognitive theory of mass communication” (Bandura, 2001), behavioral and emotional knowledge, competences, and actions rely on both personal observation and experience, as well as on the effects of media, particularly mass media and symbolic forms (Lukesch, 2002). Due to their relative openness, mental scripts may create different demands for the participating individuals. During script execution, one’s actions and predictions of others’ reactions may be adapted and corrected in flight. Although scripts offer a plentitude of individual behavioral options, these options are simultaneously limited by the complementary, concordant, or discordant objectives of other script participants.
Importantly, similar script structures may exist in both mental representations and cultural scripts, such as narratives, novels, or movies (Fludernik, 2000; Zerweck, 2002). The cultural script codes socially shared values and knowledge, providing behavioral options. That is, narratives of all kinds provide the bases and backgrounds for behavioral proficiency, including its meanings and interpretations (Swidler, 1980). Behavior is “experienced” through media, such as movies or audio books. Moreover, these experiences, including listening, seeing, and other modalities, allow behavioral and event sequence learning, where esthetic options for empathic identification with others are of utmost importance (von Treskow, 2015). In addition, daydreaming allows people to repeat and elaborate on imagined events (Lukesch, 2002). Interestingly, these experienced actions are integrated into existing cognitive structures, which themselves determine the quality of the experience (Rosengren and Windahl, 1989; Bandura, 2001; Zacks and Tversky, 2001; Rosen et al., 2003).
Thus, real (e.g., natural) and fictitious (e.g., constructed) events help people acquire knowledge about approach behavior and its adequate contextual implementation. In order to acquire procedural and declarative knowledge about, e.g., how to flirt in a socially acceptable manner, examples are taken from reality, as well as from narratives, movies, novels, etc. Television viewers, e.g., have a rough idea about how a cinematic approach between a man and a woman takes place. Moviemakers overtly exploit this mechanism: due to the conventionalization of standardized action sequences, filmic tricks are used to purposefully evoke emotional states, e.g., surprise, anger, or despair. Given these script characteristics, we argue that disentangling behavior in general and the realization of interpersonal approach behavior specifically would benefit prominently from a psychological, cognitive, and neurobiological perspective paired with cultural science research, such as narratology, gender studies, and media science.
The Need for Interdisciplinary Research with Regard to Approach Behavior The Sexual Strategy Theory (SST) developed by Buss and Schmitt (1993) is of considerable interest in the context of psychological and cultural norms for seduction and interpersonal approach behavior. The SST suggests that human mating strategies have evolved to serve gender- and long/short-term-specific goals. Contextual problems are solved adaptively with regard to sexual accessibility, fertility assessment, commitment seeking, immediate resource extraction, paternity certainty, mate value assessment, and the willingness to engage in parental investment. While their work has been widely noted, it has also triggered a broad and controversial debate. In fact, the weaknesses of the SST (Fausto-Sterling, 2000; Contratto, 2002; Pedersen et al., 2011; Smiler, 2011) led Buss and Schmitt to stress the limits of their theory and the nuances of its preconditions and conclusions (Buss and Schmitt, 2011). Quite polemically and from their perspective as evolutionary psychologists, they emphasized that they do not regard gender-typical behavior as ahistoric, but instead as flexible and context-dependent (Buss and Schmitt, 2011; Smith and Konik, 2011).
This view has also been adopted with regard to sexual scripts. For example, the cultural script of sexual approaches not only influences interactions between persons, e.g., the interpersonal script. In fact, it may also affect individual preferences and needs, e.g., the intrapsychic script (Simon and Gagnon, 1986), which reciprocally may effectuate changes in the interpersonal and cultural scripts, as well. Methodologically, in culture, literature, and media science, scholars use the terms “scenario,” “narrative,” “action patterns,” or “dramaturgy” (Rumelhart, 1977; Fludernik, 1996; Eder, 1999; Hickethier, 2012; Lahn and Meister, 2013). These may be imprecise as parallel terms. Yet, they offer interdisciplinary points of contact. More currently, the script concept by Schank and Abelson has been integrated into narratology with regard to intertextual patterns (Baßler, 2005), “worldmaking” in literature and art (Fludernik, 1996; Grabes, 2010), as well as text and information processing and movie reception (Fludernik, 1996, 2000; Zerweck, 2002; Baßler, 2005; Grabes, 2010; Herman, 2013). In psychology, the relations between sexual approaches, gender codes, and mechanisms of sexualized violence have been intensively investigated via script analyses (Rose and Frieze, 1993; Klinkenberg and Rose, 1994; Frith and Kitzinger, 2001; Kim et al., 2007; Krahe et al., 2007a,b; Kray and Locke, 2008; Eaton and Rose, 2011, 2012). Nevertheless, there have not been systematic explorations that relate psychological and cultural scripts of seductive behavior to each other.
Heteronormativity in Sexual Scripts Heterosexual normativity appears to flood societal norms and reinforces asymmetric, that is, sexist mating strategies and expectations. In their impressive generation-spanning work, Gagnon and Simon (1987) explicate a typical temporal order for the “normative” heterosexual script in Western cultural regions. On the one hand, men are societally (and sexually) rewarded for using assertive sexual strategies toward women, for speaking openly about their own sexual desires, and for initiating or provoking – within delicately set limits – sexual behavior (Frisby et al., 2011). Moreover, since the 19th century, male sexuality has been regarded as more powerful, even more aggressive, and associated with greater subjectively perceived sexual arousal than female sexuality (Bourdieu, 1998; Wrede, 2000; Lautmann, 2002; Chivers et al., 2010). Thus, during a flirtatious encounter, male behavior is expected to be more active, especially with regard to more visible actions. On the other hand, for almost two centuries, female sexuality has been regarded as weak and passive. Women are societally rewarded for using passive, less visible, reactive, encouraging, and (from a male point of view) “alluring” strategies to win men’s affections. They objectify themselves and are objectified, and they set sexual limits (Kim et al., 2007). Whether or not these stereotypes implement gender roles is part of an international discourse. In fact, the reason for why approach scripts remain highly traditionally gender-typed may be their communicative and informative value (Eaton and Rose, 2011), especially when potential couples are getting to know each other on first dates (Afifi and Lucas, 2008).
Flirting guidebooks and Internet pages overwhelmingly demonstrate the prevalence of heteronormativity in seduction and sexual scripts (Deißler, 2012; Escaravage and Hefez, 2012). Heteronormative flirting dominates interpersonal approaches in Western societies, even though gender roles may underlie some changes (Osullivan and Byers, 1993). In fact, approach behavior in accordance with the heteronormative flirting secures and may even increase mating success (Hall and Canterberry, 2011; Beaussart et al., 2012). How and which behavioral options are actually culturally established and passed on to the next generation remain the topics of debates. Kitayama and Uskul (2011, p. 425), e.g., generously argue that cultural values are vertically passed on to the next generation because they require “an assortment of supportive beliefs and emotional conditionings.” Cultural practices, the authors state further, may be transmitted horizontally, mainly by means of adaptation. Social prestige and the urge for high status may lead to equivalent rapid practice adaptation across great distances. With regard to sexual and approach scripts, this means that these actions may be culturally mediated and simultaneously adapted through personal experience. The underlying psychological and cultural factors affect the individual at different levels and sometimes for long periods of time. Accordingly, the bases of sexual normativity may be rooted in individual circumstances, societal structures, as well as in culturally mediated value systems, including goals and their interpretations.
Differences in seduction and approach behavior between men and women cannot be accounted for only by gender, yet. For example, even though sexual consensus might seem to be culturally more closely related to affection and attachment in women than in men (Byers, 1996; Morr Serewicz and Gale, 2008; Eaton and Rose, 2011; Frisby et al., 2011; Lamont, 2015; Landgraf et al., unpublished), this does not provide proof of an etiological relationship. Further, whether or not women, “by nature,” consent to or initiate sexual activity even in the absence of sexual arousal is hard to determine. The same may hold true for the question of whether women, “by nature,” are sexually more conservative and more monogamous than men (Smiler, 2011). Overall, some kinds of behavior – such as overly aggressive flirting in men and promiscuity in women – are considered “wrong,” “non-normative,” “undesirable,” and are hence morally sanctioned in Western modern societies. Nevertheless, it is certain that the heterosexual normative script for sexual activity and approach behavior defines and demands a visibly initiating active role for men and a reserved, more careful, selective, and sexual-conduct-limiting role for women.
So, is this for good? Don’t we live in a society that promotes the ideal of equality between men and women? Why do these widespread asymmetries regarding sexual conduct persist, specifically with regard to individual goals, subjective experience, and pre-sexual behavior? Given the unequal social evaluation of sexual conduct for girls or women and boys or men, these mechanisms hold true, even though we (want to) live in a society where conservative traditions, stereotypes, and inequalities are about to disappear and even though individuals hold self-concepts of equality, freedom, and autonomy. What exactly then is it that perpetuates these asymmetries and defines asymmetries in flirting situations? What are their roles in modern and post-modern societies? In the following section, first, we focus on the function and implementation of seduction asymmetries. Second, we discuss how these asymmetries may promote sexual aggression and how they can be used for individual protection.
Seduction Asymmetries – Uncertainty and Ambivalence What Is It All Good For? Seduction asymmetries serve specific psychological and cultural functions. One of the most central aspects is a phase we call “uncertainty phase.” Its relevance during interpersonal approaches cannot be overestimated. Specifically, and we introduce this definition here, this uncertainty phase spans the period from the first detection of mutual interest until the last indication of whether a sexual interaction will occur or not. Therein, transitions from pre-sexual activity to sexual (bodily) interaction may occur only under certain circumstances. Bluntly approaching a flirting partner physically may be problematic because playful flirting suddenly becomes “more serious.” Flirting partners appear to voluntarily adhere to social norms in order to ensure they will both feel comfortable or safe in the approach situation. However, uncertainty actually needs to be evoked and maintained in order to avoid unpleasant or awkward or even dangerous situations. Therefore, ambivalent behavior impacts the situation and its participants like no other communicative and interactive element.
Cultural products celebrate many facets of this issue. The media frequently present the transition to bodily sexual interactions as delicate and with difficulty. In fact, movie scenes that present situations leading to physical closeness or rejection are of central significance to the plots of movies and their success. A famous example of the centrality of uncertainty within the context of sexual approach behavior is the fountain scene in “La dolce vita” (1960) with Marcello (Marcello Mastroianni) and Sylvia (Anita Ekberg): in this scene, time itself is extremely decelerated. The camera work and the setup suggest the erotic closeness of Sylvia and Marcello. She lures him in the form of a “bathing Venus.” He bends his body toward her, suggesting a longing and yearning. Then he follows her into the fountain. They are now part of a separate space where he tries to approach her. In fact, he chases her. This long phase of ambivalence (will he catch her or not) appears to climax into a love scene under the waterfalls of the Trevi fountain. When Marcello finally approaches her, Sylvia closes her eyes and turns toward him in the expectation of a kiss. However, he does not kiss her. The final decision, the ambivalence in whether the resolution of the scene will be sexual or non-sexual, changes toward the non-sexual. Marcello takes Sylvia’s hand, they leave the fountain, and he accompanies her to her hotel. The interpretation of the entire action sequence changes, and eventually the scene appears to be an innocent instance of flirting that did not explicitly lead to a sexual-physical interaction. While, technically, the sequence created erotic tension and desire, the plot changed abruptly, yet nothing was missing because the whole scene was ambivalent from the beginning.
This scene gained international popularity due to not only the skill of the director, the sophistication of the artistry, the actors, the high symbolic charge (water, moonlight, etc.), the setting, the time management, or the camera’s points-of-view. Instead, the interest of the spectators, the desire for relief, and the urge to be voyeurs specifically associated with this kind of scene played significant roles, as well. In fact, in the media and scenes like this, heteronormative elements are presented incessantly, suggesting that these elements may be vital constituents of a “successful” interpersonal approach.
Instead of mutual familiarization, seduction and sexual scripts may entail a high level of ambivalence and uncertainty in order to serve specific functions (Afifi and Lucas, 2008). That is, when ambivalence is high, uncertainty about the outcome of the interpersonal approach is high. This includes evaluating one’s own and others’ behavior, ambiguous verbal and non-verbal communication, as well as the relative openness of the outcome of the sexual approach. This may represent the fact that flirting partners may want to enhance the predicted outcome value of the interaction. By culturally coded communication, information about, e.g., potential mate fit or complementarity is reduced. This may secure emotional stability or avoid negative emotional experiences or social consequences, especially the loss of face or social privileges (Holmstrom and Burgess, 1980). Thus, ambivalence can be used strategically to maintain the interests of the flirting partners and to keep them safe from unpleasant events, including rejection or aggression. While situational ambivalence is avoided (e.g., by adhering to social standards in flirting), content ambivalence may be high (e.g., by introducing sexual content to the conversation). For example, circumstances may provide a security network made of conventional action patterns, places, timely predictions, words, and double meanings (Schank, 1975; Simon and Gagnon, 1986; Gagnon and Simon, 1987). Consequently, no matter how indirect and ambivalent the communication between the two participants, the conventional frame remains secure and stable.
While ambivalence prevails as a core element of approach behavior, uncertainty may also be reduced for specific purposes and within specific contexts. The necessity to reduce uncertainty may stem from individual differences in the tolerance of uncertainty. How comfortable an individual may feel during the uncertainty phase depends on the individual’s ability, e.g., self-confidence or experience. In other words, the capacity to endure uncertainty may also determine the degree to which ambivalence is actually present in the approach situation. On the one hand, introducing high levels of ambivalence in conversations may help in overcoming cultural sanctions on sexual behavior and increase the probability of “successful” approaches. However, on the other hand, the degree of uncertainty may also surpass an individual’s capacity. Flirting partners may not be able to tolerate a certain amount of uncertainty and, thus, they may exit the flirting situation. Since heteronormative seduction scripts can be used to reduce the amount of, e.g., uncertainty in specific situations, individuals may routinely adhere to these scripts. In fact, this may not only decrease uncertainty for participating but also for non-participating individuals (e.g., nightclubs, dates, set phrases such as “May I buy you a drink?”). However, since adhering to seduction scripts may also lead to a perpetuation of gender stereotypes (e.g., active man, passive woman), uncertainty reduction may be only reluctantly implemented during interpersonal approaches.
Finally, assigning meaning to and deducing meaning from ambivalent actions may be important factors for reducing uncertainty and increasing the number of behavioral options during interpersonal approaches. According to the four-level theory of communicating suggested by the theory of communication (Schulz von Thun, 1981), information can be perceived as mainly (a) factual, (b) a self statement, (c) a relationship indicator, or (d) an appeal. Thus, interpreting ambivalent behavior during an interpersonal approach entails knowledge about what can be expected from the current male or female flirting partner. The same is true for context-adequate behavior. Violations of expectations, e.g., surprises, may lead to physical and sexual interactions. Seismographically, the Italian movie theater illustrates this. In cases where the uncertainty phase is erased and a direct transition to sexual activity is performed, social norms appear unstable, specifically with regard to role behavior. For example, “La grande bellezza” (2013) and “La dolce vita” circulate around the meaning of sexuality in a changing social context. Federico Fellini, director of “La dolce vita,” emphasizes the epoch of the “economic miracle” as well as the beginning of the sexual liberation movement. Paolo Sorrentino, director of “La grande belleza,” addresses the turn of the second millennium, which is allegedly characterized by gender equality and technology. In both cases, sexuality signals “decadence,” revolving around control, self-confirmation, and (the absence of) reproduction. Other movies, such as ”Gegen die Wand” (2004), question the normativity of gender roles in seduction scripts. Progressively, the focus is on the impact of women who initiate sexual approaches but who cannot be discredited flatly as “bad” or “easy girls.” This exemplifies that while interpersonal approaches vary according to sociopolitical standards, deviations from the heteronormative script can occur – yet rather punctually or within the scope of a short role-play.
Some questions remain regarding the function and implementation of seduction scripts, though: how much modification regarding heteronormativity and gender roles is possible? Do differences between the sexes become visible in the form of asymmetric hierarchical elements during approaches? Could more egalitarian elements replace these asymmetric ones? Until today, high content uncertainty was central for approach behavior in both male and female flirting partners. This high degree of uncertainty, in turn, intensified the use of heteronormatively male and female elements. It is possible that this reflects the fact that only the differences between the two sexes lead to successful reproduction. However, reproduction is by far not the only goal, let alone the most important goal in bodily-sexual interactions (Holmstrom and Burgess, 1980). As a biological objective, reproduction nevertheless has a fundamental function. Hence, we hypothesize that social expectations strongly reinforce innate differences between men and women and project them outwardly way before any actual bodily contact in heterosexual encounters.
Scripted Dangers Moreover, we hypothesize that heteronormatively scripted interpersonal approaches propagate sexual violence and aggression. During the uncertainty phase, multiple signals regarding consent and distance are transmitted. These signals oscillate from agreement to disagreement, from speed to deceleration, from closeness to distance, etc. They may be considered constructive or destructive for the progression of the interpersonal approach. Importantly, behavior outside the heteronormative script is mostly presented as inadequate in Western media and culture. That is, “wrong” behavior is discredited, preferably as non-desirable, because non-normative behavior, in terms of the normative heterosexual script, does not provide information about heteronormativity. For example, a positive and active attitude of women toward sexuality is discredited, almost as if sexuality is something women only endure or take part in after it is initiated or with respect to successful reproduction (the “good girl” script, Kim et al., 2007). Even though women may initiate sexual approaches in Western cultures, movies such as “Gegen die Wand” show the peculiarities of the self-determined sexual actions of women, which are not oriented toward reproduction but instead carry an erotic or recreational goal (e.g., Mitchell et al., 2011). Men, on the contrary, are portrayed as potential perpetrators, importunate, superficial, and not at all interested in long-term commitment (Smiler, 2011). Burlesque caricatures of male conquest fantasies and actions serve to stabilize these patterns. In line with this, techniques that are used to delay or reject advances usually refer to female normative behavior, whereas creative strategies to undermine these techniques are presented as male normative behavior. Schemes, as described above in the fountain scene in “La dolce vita,” exemplify this, even when they illustrate the opposite: Marcello is not very assertive, and he does not kiss Sylvia. Instead of considering this non-normative behavior as a valid behavioral option for Marcello, however, not taking the chance of becoming sexual with Sylvia may be interpreted as “failing,” just in the sense of heteronormative stereotypes. Even more dramatically, since male perspectives (e.g., directors, etc.) may predominantly mark medial content and styles, it is not surprising that old patriarchic norms are reflected in cultural patterns and scientific realms (see e.g., EU-project http://eige.europa.eu/content/women-and-media-project). And as mentioned above, not conforming to the modern standards of approach behavior may actually decrease reproduction success, despite the current variety in and opportunities for behavior.
Yet, the perpetuation of sexist stereotypes and gender roles is not the only risk of stable seduction scripts. Beyond the pleasure of accelerating seductions, ambivalence and uncertainty carry the risk of sexual aggression and abuse. While multiple reasons can lead to sexual assaults (Shaw, 2005), we briefly describe three prototypical causes of such assaults that are associated with the ambivalence in heteronormative script communication: implicit misinterpretation of the woman’s behavior by the man, explicit misinterpretation, and deliberate exploitation of the uncertainty phase.
In implicit misinterpretation, the man accuses the woman of behavioral inconsistencies. While she may have been flirtatious, cooperative, and complaisant seconds ago, the woman suddenly becomes snippy and reluctant. One reason for this misinterpretation is a lack of knowledge of gender roles and gender-specific behavior. Men and women share knowledge about gender identities and gender roles (Money and Ehrhardt, 1972). By means of expectation, reward, imitation, identification, and communication, girls and women follow gender schemes that emphasize kindness and conflict avoidance. Typical gender role expectations support this: women do not achieve their goals by engaging in assertive and dominant strategies. Instead, they tend to indirectly reach their goals by being polite and courteous (Frisby et al., 2011). While flirting, this means that they “wait, encourage, and see,” that is, they react to the males’ dynamic advances yet block any sexual ones. Males, however, tend to interpret female friendliness and openness more often as indicators of sexual interest than as friendliness (Clark et al., 1999). And this difference could stem from men’s and women’s different heteronormatively determined objectives, as previously discussed (Buss and Schmitt, 1993; Kim et al., 2007; Smiler, 2011, 2013).
By contrast, explicit misinterpretations emerge when gender-typical behavior during the flirting situation is used to legitimize aggressive behavior. Culturally charged rape myths stigmatize the inconsistent behavior of women as the basis for partial responsibility in a sexual assault (Eyssel and Bohner, 2011; Sussenbach et al., 2013). Token resistance exemplifies this allegedly widespread communication strategy, which is depicted in literature, theater, opera, and movies. Just to name a few examples: Stephen Frears’ movie (1988) of the novel “Liaisons Dangereuses” (1782), Milos Forman’s version “von Treskow Valmont” (1989) or the movie “French Kiss” (1995) all accentuate yes-no-sequences. The assumption that “no” does not actually mean “no” can also be found in attempts to legitimize sexual abuse (Sick, 1995; Kieler, 2003). In interpersonal interactions, however, consent and refusals can be clearly defined and identified (Kitzinger and Frith, 1999), even if refusals may be more complex and harder to recognize that consent. Consent, on the one hand, includes a simple affirmation (e.g., “Should we get a cup of coffee? – Yes, of course!”) and does not require delays. On the other hand, a refusal might actually entail a short delay with a short preface (e.g., “Well, …”), palliative elements (“umm,” “err,” etc.), and a qualifying account in the form of an explanation, justification, or excuse (“I don’t have time right now but maybe later!”). Compliments and reaffirming elements may be added to ensure that one appreciates the offer and does not sound impolite (“Thank you for the offer”). Men and women show elaborated abilities to recognize culturally coded refusals (Kitzinger and Frith, 1999). In addition, girls and women learn to avoid offending their communication partners. By hiding sexual disinterest, females may avoid losing male investments or they may prevent male resentment, which could result in the perpetration of violence (Byers, 1996; Clark et al., 2009; Landgraf and von Treskow, unpublished). Hence, men experience a refusal late in an interaction as more contradictory than women, who instead see friendliness and openness rather as behavioral patterns that demonstrate social adaptation (Clark et al., 1999). Research is needed to investigate whether or not these results also hold true in other cultures (Germany, France, Italy). Different interpretations of kindness, however, reveal that gender-specific expectations in flirting and approach behavior direct and increase the risk of misunderstandings. Therefore, we hypothesize that it may actually be more useful and beneficial for women to remain in the ambivalence phase for longer. Women may avoid the danger of sexual aggression and simultaneously keep their resource options open by using this strategy. Importantly, though, sexual abuse cannot be prevented by asking women to “just say NO!” Instead, heteronormative script options for the different communication patterns of men and women need to change in order to prevent miscommunication and possibly sexual assaults.
Finally, the deliberate exploitation of the uncertainty phase occurs, for example, when someone attempts to perpetrate coercive physical or sexual contact by quickly establishing familiarity between the participants. This strategy may entail components of the yes-no theme and gender-specific misinterpretations of the situation. The processuality of approach behavior may indicate psychological and cultural factors that determine this danger in flirting situations. The mass media extensively disseminates this processuality as behavioral options during pre-sexual situations, transitions toward sexual interactions, and sexual abuse. However, what is portrayed as “mutual consent” in fact often reflects stereotypical gender patterns: male execution of pressure during approach behavior, on the one hand, and women enacting sexual reactivity on the other hand.
How then can we use cultural-mental script options to avoid or to ensure early detection of sexually aggressive situations? We argue that cultural-psychological script options have been widely neglected in the literature. Since script methodology is present in both research fields (psychology and cultural science), future qualitative and quantitative research may be based on script analyses to investigate how script knowledge can be used to identify preference-based sexual aggression. Moreover, script-based behavioral predictions rely on multimodal input (Cattaneo and Vecchi, 2011). If a prediction fails at a specific point in time, the human prediction system assumes an event boundary within the script (Newtson, 1973; Newtson et al., 1987). This implies that script predictions are constantly monitored according to perceptual input, which, in turn, may actually alter the script (Zacks and Tversky, 2001; Zacks et al., 2001, 2007; Zacks and Swallow, 2007). In addition, according to the embodied theories of cognition, event characteristics may also be used as predictors of behavioral options (Barsalou, 1999, 2003; Glenberg and Kaschak, 2002; Nuthmann and van der Meer, 2005). On the one hand, perceptual event characteristics, e.g., imageability (the ease with which the event can be imagined) and complexity (the ease with which the event can be performed), are more closely related to script experience and exposure. On the other hand, indicators of planned and goal-oriented behavior, so-called amodal event characteristics, e.g., centrality (Is the script possible without the event?) and distinctiveness (How likely is the event part of another script?), are more closely related to goal-directed behavior and script preference. When the everyday frequency of an event increases, individuals rely less on perceptual (imageability) and more on amodal (centrality) characteristics (Raisig et al., 2009). Thus, event representations influence the availability of perceptual activity information, i.e., its mental reenactment (Hard et al., 2006).
With regard to the seduction script, in situations designated as a rendezvous or a date and even in spontaneous flirting situations, this implies that individuals may be able to activate and use scripted behavior including role expectations, stereotypes, and the temporal orders of events for the early detection of danger (Rose and Frieze, 1993; Klinkenberg and Rose, 1994; Moore, 2002; Eaton and Rose, 2012). In other words, more behavioral options may be available within a shorter period of time (Landgraf et al., 2012). Since it is unclear how individual preferences influence behavioral options during pre-sexual approaches and sexual activity, investigations with regard to embodied cognition may be of utmost importance. In addition, as possible candidates for the early detection of sexual aggression, future studies should investigate the mechanisms that underlie the reduction of uncertainty, how uncertainty reduction affects gender role rigidity, and which kinds of behavioral options may decrease flirting failures and increase mutual flirting satisfaction. Here, our assumption is that individually preferred and medially popular scripts may be accessed faster and with greater detail than non-preferred ones. Finally, sensitive scientists in psychology and the cultural sciences should take into consideration how the sole act of formulating research questions and answers may already propagate traditional male and female stereotypes.
Aspects of Nature and Nurture in Seduction Scripts Frontiers between the Disciplines So far, we have examined some of the mechanisms of seduction from a culture-psychological perspective. We have seen that scripts are a methodology known to both fields, that is, as mental representations of actions or in movies and narratives. Both disciplines also confirm that seduction scripts entail a large number of heteronormative elements, such as initiating men and limiting women. While ambivalence and uncertainty are a central part of the seduction and sexual process, these elements may also build the basis for sexual aggression and abuse especially against women. In the last part of this paper, we apply the debate about the influence of psychobiologically stable and acquired cultural factors to the nature of seduction. At its core, this refers to the nature-nurture debate; the question of what primarily defines human interests and behavior – especially for those who would like to find a single answer that fits. This matter has been addressed, inter alia, in the United States and Europe for quite some time. Boiling it down into a few sparse lines of text is basically impossible – accordingly, the following remarks are intended as a summary that comes with no guarantee that its view is balanced. Below, we will briefly sketch how psychological research on cognition and gender studies in the cultural sciences – both of which are very wide-ranging disciplines – have reacted to each other in the context of this discussion and how either side has made a contribution to defining the nexus between the physical and the cultural. Thus, while an extensive nature-nurture debate is beyond the scope of this article, we touch upon this topic by focusing on arguments that are relevant to interpersonal sexual approach behavior.
On the one hand, psychological research tends to underestimate the role of culture, and especially the media in shaping and planning human behavior (Esposito et al., 2011). Causal explanations of natural phenomena have been attributed to restricted experimental settings in which confounding variables are either held constant or are not considered at all (Feger and Bredenkamp, 1983). Inadvertently, the psychobiological sciences overestimate the role of bodily dispositions and underestimate the role of historical attributions in the identification of gender roles. Ideological presuppositions, stemming from historical changes at the end of the Early Modern Age and over the course of the 19th century, significantly determined sexual strategies. For example, in the Early Modern Age until well into the 18th century, women were deemed significantly more libidinous and sexually more active than men. Physical aspects and thus, sexuality, were subject to the rules of self-control, age restriction, and a fixation on reproduction to a much lesser degree than today. Further, the new values of the 19th century, along with the new stigmatizations and norms made in terms of morals, work ethics, and capacity meant that men were regarded as active, aggressive, and driven by instinct. Women, however, were defined as passive, predestined to dedicating themselves fully to a given task, with a tendency to frigidity or to sexual indifference. In other words, they were portrayed as being more interested in children than in men. Since the 19th century, the general view has included gender stereotypes, such as that it is easier for women than men to exercise sexual restraint (Wrede, 2000) or that female defenses against sexuality are biological in origin (Berna-Simons, 1984). While clearly, these attributions have waxed and waned over time, they appear so deeply rooted that even academic (psychobiological) studies regard them as mechanisms that guide sexual conduct. While Western industrialization standards and the acquisition of culture-specific knowledge is important (Chivers et al., 2010), the historical development of values and standards that have been dominant since the 19th century has largely gone unaddressed. These values and standards, however, impact the physical experience of sexuality and the self-perceptions of both sexes. Nevertheless, placing the focus strictly on physical and “strategic” circumstances (strategic in the sense of reproduction or whatever is believed may be derived from it as “natural”), the historicity of sexuality, socialization, and ideological development have been neglected by the biomedical sciences.
Since the “naturalistic” approach entails the risks of neglecting historical, social, and cultural factors (Wrede, 2000), it is surprising that the insights gained in this discipline in how psychological scholars of the late 20th century have been reproducing the standards and values of the 19th century with respect to their ideational structures (i.e., men as active players vs. the passivity of women; emphasis on performance; self-control and suppression of spontaneity; postponement and renunciation of gratification; utilitarian thinking; self-optimization) are hardly given consideration in the psychobiological literature. Currently, psychological sexology is dedicating itself to psycho-physiological connections (Beier et al., 2005; Spape and Hommel, 2008; Chivers et al., 2010; Chivers and Timmers, 2012). In acknowledging cultural factors as a reason for gender differences, evolutionary psychology, the biomedical sciences, and the humanities could align themselves and profit from each other (Chivers et al., 2010; Kitayama and Uskul, 2011). For example, psychological research, specifically in cognitive and cultural psychology, approaches the positions of cultural science to a much greater degree, for example, where it studies the self-objectification of women (Kim et al., 2007) or the influence of gender stereotypes, gender roles, ideologies, and virtual reality on decisions made by women (Rudman and Heppen, 2003). However, these two studies failed to investigate physical factors and did not discuss the potential nexus between role models and physical-sexual determinants. Nonetheless, it bears noting that these latter scientific approaches do demonstrate the potential for interdisciplinary cooperation between the disciplines of neuropsychology, evolutionary psychology, and cognitive psychology on the one hand and scholars of gender studies as pursued in the cultural sciences on the other.
On the other hand, the cultural sciences, and specifically the disciplines of social and cultural gender studies, are often critical of psychobiological theories and findings (Longino, 1990; Gildemeister, 1992; Connell, 1995; Horlacher, 2010; Meuser, 2010; Gildemeister and Hericks, 2012). Here, scientists have failed to integrate scientific evidence from empirical investigations, conceptual theoretical models, and preconditions of behavior. Instead, the argumentation nowadays often appears fundamentally constructivistic. In early discussions of sex/gender, the body was in a less problematic way the starting point and was seen as leading to positive or discriminatory social codes and symbolizations (Stephan, 2006). From this point of view, the body and its organs were regarded as neutral. Afterward, research demonstrated that bodily experiences change over time, specifically, over centuries (Jacobus et al., 1990). Moreover, cultural scientists showed that in symbolizations (e.g., discourse, speech, images, and representations of all kinds), meaning was permanently being derived from the physical, that is, where sexuality and reproduction were concerned, derived from the concepts of “receiving” and “giving.” Since the 19th century, a plethora of studies have shown that the body’s reproductive function has led to a compulsive fixation on heterosexuality and certain practices (Sigusch, 1981/1988; Connell, 1995; Wrede, 2000). However, in some instances, the discussion even went so far as to almost marginalize the etiological role of the body. Here, the constructivist view argues that social meanings and interpretations pervade (sexual) self-perceptions in such a way that the objectivity of the body may be accessible only within a cultural system. In addition, in this argumentation the body might/does not have a reality of its own (Maihofer, 1995; Stephan, 2006). This line of argument removed the body from the reaches of theory to such an extent that there were no longer any ties between biological sex and social gender (Maihofer, 1995). Moreover, some positions deny even the actual existence of any biological sex (Butler, 1990).
Commonalities and Approximations Yet, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. While mutual reservations and criticisms reflect the difficulties of the two realms in undertaking conjoint investigations (Mathieu, 1973; Kessler and McKenna, 1978; Hubbard et al., 1979; Fox Keller, 1985; Hubbard and Birke, 1995; Héritier, 1996; Brown Travis, 2003; Liesen, 2011; Deuber-Mankowsky, 2013; Eagly and Wood, 2013), this may be explained to a significant degree by a lack of knowledge and reflection (on contextual and methodological commonalities), and, hopefully, also by a mere lack of dialog. As mentioned above, interdisciplinary theories on sexual strategies have attempted to combine approaches from sexual selection, evolutionary psychology, and endocrinology. One conspicuous aspect is that recently, both the general mode of discussion and the latest combinations of methods and theories have become more conciliatory in nature (e.g., Geary, 2009; Ellis, 2011; Pedersen et al., 2011; Tate, 2013). The tone, the presentation of evidence, and the line of arguments have all undergone noticeable change. Thus, the objectives of female and male individuals are no longer just called “reproduction” and “childrearing”; instead, it is postulated that men and women must find solutions conjointly (Geary, 2009; Hannagan, 2011), e.g., create “reproductive alliances” (Buss and Schmitt, 1993, 2011). Linear, one-track reasoning is no longer acceptable. Instead, the focus in recent studies has been on the interaction of mechanisms, on how individuals interact, or in other words on reciprocal responses in the broadest sense of the term (Buss and Schmitt, 2011; Ellis, 2011). However, non-cultural scientific investigations have still failed to consider qualitative constructivist or cultural scientific reasoning.
Ellis (2011) suggested that in the course of human evolution the male brain has evolved to react to female preferences and that this adjustment, via the hormones of men, has become part of their genetic make-up. Accordingly, male behavior and the male self-image could be understood as a special demonstration of one’s own person as a “competent resource provisioner” (Ellis, 2011, p. 707). This is tantamount to an ideological about-face: it is not the men who choose the women; it is the women who choose their men, which is why men have adjusted to the parameters of women’s mating preferences (“women have shaped the average man into being a resource provisioner,” p. 718). While Ellis considers his theory to be a universal one, he also emphasizes the significance of the differences that are specific to certain cultures, the importance of learning, as well as the fact that in actual concrete situations, behavior need not absolutely comply with these requirements.
Ellis’ and other theories appear sophisticated, comprehensible, and intelligible. While they unite the extremes of neurological and behavioral research perspectives, from a constructivist point of view, Ellis’ theory may be regarded as a displacement of the argument from an evolutionary discussion, as in Buss and Schmitt’s papers, to hormonal and genetic factors. This, however, may just be a shift in the line of combat, without changing the actual positions. The underlying argument, that men and women are different from a deterministic point of view, is still maintained. Early on in the debate, Fausto-Sterling (1985, 2000) noted how endocrinology has been used to provide a basis for stereotypes without greater reflection or introspection. Therefore, research is still needed to investigate whether or not newer theories are, in fact, suited to overcome old issues regarding genetic determination and the constructed flexibility of gendered concepts.
Conclusion This article on the seduction script suggests that the union of two scientifically rather distant disciplines – psychology and cultural science – may contribute to a better understanding and a solution for societally relevant challenges. Importantly, these research fields are connected by how closely methodology and content of the script concept resemble each other in the two disciplines. Moreover, the theoretical collaboration presented here can already provide the following conjectures with regard to behavioral options during interpersonal sexual approach behavior.
First, sexual approach behavior follows scripted, predefined event sequences that entail psychobiological and cultural standards. As a core component, communicative ambivalence enforces heteronormative, predictable behavioral patterns, which may be used to decrease uncertainty (situational conventions, dress and conversational codes, etc.) or to increase uncertainty (sexual or attachment intentions, emotional involvement, etc.) during flirting situations.
Second, used as playful manipulations, ambivalent components of the seduction interaction may facilitate sexual aggression and abuse, depending on the capacities and objectives of individuals as well as circumstantial factors. Due to the relative rigidity of behavioral options, flirting individuals could recognize dangerous and potentially hazardous situations early. The more obviously an ambivalent situation is being provoked or maintained, the more careful (and skeptical) the interacting partner should be. Thus, aggressive intentions may be undermined by using knowledge about scripted ambivalence as a core component of seduction interactions.
Third, the present paper proposes a topic-specific interdisciplinary approach for unraveling the contribution of psychobiological predispositions as well as cultural standards for behavior. Hence, with regard to interpersonal approach and sexual behavior, we propose that future studies should investigate how collectively accepted behavioral options (e.g., gender-specific asymmetries or communicative ambivalences) are related to (probably) invariable psychobiological preconditions. More than simply enlarging our understanding of the underlying causes for the persistent perpetuation of sexist stereotypes, gender roles, and machismo, this approach may also integrate neuropsychological, forensic-biological, and socio-cultural backgrounds with regard to highly aggressive behavior and sexualized violence, especially against women.
the game by Neil Strauss read by Dexter Fletcher the house was a disaster doors were split and smashed off their hinges walls were dented in the shape of fists phones and flowerpots hirable was hiding in a hotel room scared for his life and mystery was collapsed on the living room carpet crying he'd been crying for two days straight this wasn't a normal kind of crying mr. e was out of control for a week he'd been vacillating between periods of extreme anger and Jags of fitful cathartic sobbing now he was threatening to kill himself there were five of us living in the house hirable mr. e papa playboy and me boys and men came from every corner of the globe to shake our hands take photos with us learn from us be us they called me style it was a name I had earned we never used our real names only our aliases even our mansion had a nickname it was Project Hollywood and Project Hollywood was in a shambles the sofas and dozens of pillows lining the floor of the sunken living room were fetid and discoloured with the sweat of men and the juices of women the white carpeted Gong gray from the constant traffic of young perfumed humanity herded in off Sunset Boulevard every night and mr. rampage during the last few days had left the rest of the place totaled and the residents petrified he was six foot five and hysterical I can't tell you what this feels like he choked out I don't know what I'm gonna do but it will not be rational he reached up and punched the stained red upholstery of the sofa as the siren wail of his despondency grew louder filling the room with the sound of a grown male who was lost every characteristic that separates man from infant from animal he wore a gold silk robe there was several sizes too small all the ends of the sash just barely met the former knot and the curtains of the robe hung half a foot apart revealing a pale hail his chest and below it saggy gray calvin klein boxer shorts the only other item of clothing on his trembling body was a winter cap pulled tight over his skull it was june in los angeles dis living thing it's so pointless he turned and looked at me through wet red eyes there was no one else in the house i would have to deal with this I couldn't let mr. e die on my watch he was more than just a friend he was a mentor he changed my life I needed to get him Valium Xanax vicodin anything I grabbed my phone book and scanned the pages for people most likely to have pills people like guys in rock bands women who just had plastic surgery former child actors but everyone I called wasn't home didn't have any drugs or claimed not to have any drugs because they didn't want to share there was only one person left the call the woman who had triggered misters downward spiral she was a party girl she must have something Katya a petite Russian blonde with a Smurfette voice and the energy of a Pomeranian puppy was at the front door in ten minutes with a xanax and a worried look on her face do not come in I want her he'll probably kill you I gave mr. e the pill and waited until the sobs slowed to a sniffle then I helped him into a pair of black boots jeans and a gray t-shirt he was docile now like a big baby I'm taking you to get some help I walked him outside to my old rusty Corvette and stuffed them in of the tiny front seat I want to learn martial arts he said so when I want to kill someone I can do something about it I stepped on the accelerator a destination was the Hollywood Mental Health Center it was an ugly slab of concrete surrounded day and night by homeless men who screamed at lampposts trans veidt's who lived out of shopping carts and other remained at human beings mystery I realized was one of them he just happened to have charisma and talent and I signed the men and we waited for return with one of the counselors an hour passed he began to fidget two hours passed his brow furrowed he's face clouded three hours passed the tears started four hours passed he bolted out of his chair and ran out through the front door of the building I chased him across the street and caught him outside a mini-mall I took his arm and turned him around baby-talking him back into the waiting room five minutes ten minutes twenty minutes thirty he was up and out again I ran after him two social workers stood uselessly in the lobby stop him I yelled we can't one of them said he's left the premises I ran out of the door and dragged him back again the social workers led him down along a dark hallway and into a claustrophobic cubicle the therapist sat behind a desk running a finger through a black tangle in her hair she was a slim asian woman with dark red lipstick and a pinstriped pantsuit so how are you feeling today she asked forcing a smile I'm feeling like there's no point to anything mystery burst into tears I'm listening she said I can't go on mister he went on she reached into a drawer pulled out a small packet of tissues and handed it to him as mr. II reached for the package he looked up met her eyes for the first time a flicker of animation flashed across mister his face then died I know exactly what say on what to do to make you attracted to me every rule every step every word I just can't do it right now she nodded mechanically by the place not to Tom and I would have made you mine yes she said I'm sure you would have she didn't know how could she but this sobbing giant was the greatest pickup artist in the world that was not a matter of opinion but fact there was only one person alive who could possibly compete with him and that man was sitting in front of her also from a formless lump of nerd mystery had molded me into a superstar together we had pulled off spectacular pickups before the disbelieving eyes of our disciples in Los Angeles New York Melbourne Belgrade and beyond and now we were in a madhouse I am far from attractive my nose is too large and has a bump in the ridge though I'm not bald to say that my hair is thinning would be an understatement my eyes are small although they do have a lively glimmer which is doomed to remain my secret because no one can see it behind my glasses I have indentations on either side of my forehead which I like and believe add character to my face though I've never actually been complimented on them I am sure than I'd like to be and so skinny then I look malnourished when I look down at my pale slouched body I wonder why any woman will want to sleep next to it let alone embrace it so for me meeting girls takes work I'm not the kind of guy women giggle over at a bar I can't offer them a piece of my fame or a mansion like so many other men in Los Angeles all I have is my mind and nobody can see that you may notice that I haven't mentioned my personality this is because my personality has completely changed or to put it more accurately I completely changed my personality I invented style my alter ego and in the course of two years style became more popular than I ever was especially with women it was never my intention to change my personality or walk through the world with an assumed identity in fact I was happy with myself and my life that is until an innocent phone call it always starts with an innocent phone call led me on a journey into one of the oddest and most exciting underground communities that in more than a dozen years of journalism I had ever come across the call was from Jeremy Ruby Straus no relation a book added him who had stumbled across a document on the internet called the lay guide short for the how to lay Girls Guide compressed into one hundred and fifty sizzling pages he said was the collected wisdom of dozens of pickup artists who had been exchanging their knowledge secretly working to turn the art of seduction into an exact science the information needed to be rewritten and organized into a coherent how to book and he thought I was the man to do it I wasn't so sure I want to write literature not give advice the horny adolescence but of course I told him it wouldn't hurt to take a look at it the moment I started reading my life changed not necessarily because of the information in it but because of the path that sent me hurtling down when I look back on my teenage years I have one major regret but I didn't fool around with enough girls and college I began to find myself the things I was interested in the personality I'd always been too shy to express but I did not sleep with a single woman after school I took a job at the New York Times as a cultural reporter I went on the road with Marilyn Manson and Motley Crue to write books with them and all that time I didn't get so much as a single kiss from anyone except Tommy Lee after that I pretty much gave up hope the problem wasn't that I'd never been laid it was that the few times I did get lucky I turned a one-night stand into a two-year stand because I didn't know when it was gonna happen again leg I'd had an acronym for people like me AFC I was an average frustrated chumps then I met Dustin the year I graduated he was friends with a classmate of mine named Marco a forest the critic Serbian who my companion in girlishness since nursery school when Marco first introduced me to him I was unimpressed he was short and swarthy with long curly brown hair that night we went to a Chicago club called drink as we checked our coats Dustin asked do you know if there are any dark corners in here I asked him what he needed our corners for and he replied that they were good places to take girls I raised my eyebrows skeptically minutes after entering the bar however he made eye contact with a shy looking girl who was talking with a friend without a word Dustin walked away the girl followed them straight to a dark corner when they finished kissing and groping they parted wordlessly Dustin repeated this seemingly miraculous feat four times that night a new world opened up before my eyes i grilled him for hours trying to determine what sort of magical powers he possessed thus then it was what they call a natural he had lost his virginity at age 11 when the fifteen-year-old daughter of a neighbor used them as a sexual experiment and he had been [ __ ] non-stop since one night I took him to a party on a boat when a sultry doe-eyed girl walked by he turned to me and said she's just your type I denied it and stared at the floor as usual when she walked past again he asked her do you know Neil I stammered out a few words until Dustin took over and rescued me we met her and her boyfriend at a bar afterwards they had just moved in together her boyfriend was taking the dog for a walk after a few drinks he took the dog home leaving Paula with us thus then suggested going back to my place to cook a late-night snack so we walked to my tiny East Village apartment and instead collapsed on the bed with Dustin on one side of Paula and me on the other when Dustin started kissing her left cheek he sit with me to do the same on her right cheek then in synchronicity we moved on her body to her neck and her breasts though I was surprised by Paula's quiet compliance but Dustin this seemed to be business as usual he turned to me and asked if I had a car now I found one for him he pulled off her pants and moved into her while I continued lapping uselessly at her right breast that was Dustin's power giving women the fantasy they never thought they'd experience afterward Paula called me constantly she wanted to talk about the experience to rationalize it because she couldn't believe what she had done that's how it always worked with Dustin he got the girl I got the guilt I chalked this up to a simple difference of personality Dustin had a natural charm and I didn't or at least that's what I thought until I read the legged and explored the websites that recommended what I discovered was an entire community filled with Dustin's men who claimed to have found a combination to unlock a woman's heart and legs along with thousands of others like myself trying to learn their secrets the difference was that these men had broken down their methods to a specific set of rules that anybody could apply once I discovered their world the first thing that changed was my vocabulary terms like PUA pickup artist sergeant picking up women and HB hot babe ended my permanent lexicon then whenever I returned home from going out with a woman i sat down at my computer and posted my questions on the news groups what do I do if she says she has a boyfriend if she eats garlic during dinner does it mean she's not planning on kissing me is it a good or a bad sign when a girl puts on lipstick in front of me and online characters like canned or gun witch and form handle began replying to my questions the answers use a boyfriend destroy patent you're overanalyzing this neither soon I realized this was not just an internet phenomenon but a way of life in the guise of Jeremy Ruby Straus and the Internet God had given me a second chance it wasn't too late to be Dustin to become what every woman wants not what she says she wants but what she really wants deep inside where her fantasies and daydreams lie but I couldn't do it on my own I made it my mission to hunt down the greatest pickup artists in the world and begged for shelter under their wings and so began the strangest two years of my life mystery was the most worshipped pickup artist in the community his nights out seducing models and strippers in his hometown of Toronto were chronicled an intimate detail online for four years he had been offering free advice in seduction news groups then in October he decided to put a price on himself and posted the following mystery is now producing basic training workshops in several cities around the world due to numerous requests the first workshop will be in Los Angeles from Wednesday evening October 10 through Saturday night the fee is $500 this includes Club entry limo for four evenings sweet huh an hour lecture in the limo each evening with a 30-minute debriefing at the end of the night and finally three and a half hours per night in the field with mystery by the end of basic training you will have approached close to 50 women clicking send on my email the mystery was one of the hardest things I had ever done if anyone friends family colleagues found out I was paying for lessons on picking up women the mockery would be merciless a week later I walked into the lobby of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel I wore a blue wool sweater that was so soft and then it looked like cotton black pants with laces running up the sides and shoes that gave me a couple of extra inches in height my pockets bulged with the supplies mr. e had instructed every student to bring a pen a notepad a pack gum and condoms I spotted mr. e instantly he was seated in a Victorian armchair with a smug I just bench pressed the world smile on his face he wore a casual blue black suit a small pointed piercing wagging from his chin and his nails were painted jet-black it wasn't necessarily attractive but he wants charismatic tall and thin with long chestnut hair high cheekbones and a bloodless pallor he looked like a computer geek who'd been bitten by a vampire next to him was a shorter and tense looking character who introduced himself as mr. E's wing sin he wore black crewneck shirt and his hair was pitch black and gelled straight back he had the complexion however of a man whose natural hair color was red what should top-scorer sin asked as I sat down my top score yeah I'm Raghu's have you been with somewhere around 7:00 somewhere around 7 6 I confessed sin ranked in the 60s mystery and the hundreds I looked at them and wonder they were another class of being a second student arrived introducing himself as extra masks he was a tall gangly impish 26 year old with overly baggy clothing and a handsomely chiseled face when sin asked him what his count was extra mask scratched his head uncomfortably I had virtually zero experience with girls you're kidding sin said I've never even held the girl's hand my parents were really strict Catholics so I always had a lot of guilt about girls the next arrival was at and balding man in his 40s who'd flown in from Australia he had a $10,000 Rolex on one of the ugliest sweaters I'd ever seen a thick cable knit with multicolored zigzags that look like the aftermath of a finger-painting mishap he wreaked their money and confidence yet the moment he opened his mouth to give sin is score 5 his voice trembled his appearance like his sweater was just an accident that spoke nothing of his nature he was new to the community so mystery christened him sweater the three of us were the only students in the workshop okay we got a lot to talk about mystery and clothes so the other guests in the hotel couldn't hear my job here is to get what's in my head and to yours think of tonight as a video game it's not real every time you do an approach you were playing this game my heart began pounding violently the thought of trying to start a conversation with a woman I didn't know petrified me mystery continued you will feel shy sometimes and self-conscious and you must deal with it like you deal with a pebble in your shoe it's uncomfortable but you ignore it I need to teach you in four days sequence of moves you need to win you will have to play the game over and over so get ready to fail mystery men told us his story since the age of eleven when he beat the secret to a car trick out of a classmate Mishra's goal in life was to become a celebrity magician like David Copperfield he spent years studying and practicing and managed through Poli his talents and the birthday party's corporate gigs and even a couple of talk shops and the process however his social life suffered at the age of 21 when he was still a virgin he decided to do something about it one of the world's greatest mysteries is the mind of a woman so I set out to solve it he took a bus ride into Toronto every day going to bars restaurants and coffee shops relying on the one skill he did no magic he tolerated rejection and embarrassment until piece by piece he discovered what he believed to be the patents underlying all male-female relationships the basic format is fmac find meet attract close believe it or not the game is linear a lot of people don't know that for the next half hour mr. e told us about what he called group theory you do not walk up to a girl who's all by herself women of beauty are rarely found alone after approaching the group he continued the key is to ignore the woman you desire while winning over her friends if the target is attractive and used men fawning all over the pickup artist must intrigue her by pretending to be unaffected by a chart this is accomplished through the use of what he called an egg neither compliment nor insult an egg is something in between an accidental insult or a backhanded compliment the purpose of an egg is to lower a woman's self-esteem while actively displaying a lack of interest in her by telling her she has lipstick on a teeth for example offering her a piece of gum after she speaks mystery lectured eyes blazing with the convictions of his aphorisms if you don't believe me you will see it tonight tonight is the night of experiments tomorrow if you do what I say you will be able to make out with the girl within 15 minutes he looked at extra masks named the five characteristics of an alpha male in confidence right what else strength no body odor he turned to sweater and me we were all so clueless the number one characteristic of an alpha male is to smile he said beaming an artificial beam smile when you enter a room by smiling you look like you're together you're fun and you're somebody that's just not me sweater said I look silly when I smile if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always gotten besides confidence in a smile we learned the other characteristics of an alpha male were being well groomed possessing a sense of humor connecting with people and being seen as the social center of a room no one bothered to tell mr. e that those were actually six characteristics what kind of girl do you want he asked sweater I'm looking for a wife she needs to be smart enough to hold up her end of any conversation and have enough beauty to turn heads when she walks into her room well look at you mr. e said if you look a ver egde you're gonna get average girls you sweater burn it you need to learn peacock theory mystery love theories peacock theory is the idea that in order to attract the most desirable female it's necessary to stand out in a colorful way for humans he told us the equivalent of the fanned peacock tail is a shiny shirt a garish hat and jewelry that lights up in the dark basically everything I dismissed my whole life is cheesy when it came time for my personal critique mystery had a laundry list of fixes get rid of the glasses shape the overgrown goatee shave my head get some jewelry get a life I have an opener for you to use he said to me say this when you see a group with a girl you like hey it looks like there's a party over here then run to the girl you want Ned if I wasn't gay you'd be so mine a flash of crimson burned up my face really how is that gonna help once she's attracted to you the mo matter whether you said you were gay or not but isn't that lying it's not lying he replied it's flirting we piled into the limo and drove to the standard lounge a velvet rope guarded Hotel hotspot it was here that mystery shattered my model of reality the man was a machine the standard was dead when we walked in there were just two groups of people in the room a couple near the entrance and two couples in the corner I was ready to leave but then I saw a mystery approached the people in the corner it was sitting on opposite couches across a glass table the men were on one side one of them was Scott Baio the actor best known for playing chachi on happy days across from him with two women a brunette and a bleached blonde who's cut off white t-shirt was suspended so high by fake breasts that the bottom of it just hovered above a belly this woman was bails day she was also I gathered mysteries target he had his back turned to her and was showing something to Scott Baio and his friend be careful with that Baio was saying it costs $40,000 mystery had Bale was watching his hand he plays around the table now he commanded I tense my stomach muscles increase the flow of oxygen to my brain and as mr. e waved his hands over the watch the second hand stopped ticking he waited 15 seconds then waved his hands again and slowly the watch sputtered back the life along with bales heart mysteries audience a four burst into applause there's something else the blonde pleated mystery brushed her off with an egg wow she's so demanding she always liked this we were witnessing group Theory in action the more mystery performed for the guys the more the blonde clamored for attention I don't usually go out Bale was telling mr. e I'm too old after a few more minutes mr. e finally acknowledged the blonde he held his arms out she placed her hands in his and he began giving her a technique called cold reading the art of telling people true isms about themselves without any prior knowledge with each accurate sentence the blonds Gorge dropped further open until she started asking him about his job and his psychic abilities every response mr. e gave was intended to accentuate his youth and enthusiasm for the good life Bale said he had outgrown I feel so old he said how old are you she asked twenty-seven I said old that's perfect he was in mystery called me over and whispered in my ear he wanted me to talk the Bayeux and his friends while he hit on the girl this is my first experience as a wing a turn mr. e had taken from Top Gun along with words like target and obstacle I struggled to make small talk with them but bail cut me off tell me this is all an illusion and he's not actually stealing my girlfriend ten long minutes later mr. e stood up and put his arm around me and we left the club outside he pulled a cocktail napkin from his pocket it contained her phone number mr. e was the real deal as we took the limo to the Key Club mr. e told us the first commandment of pick up the three-second rule a man has three seconds after spawning a woman to speak to her if he takes any longer then not only is the girl likely to think he's a creep who's been staring at her but he will get nervous and probably blow it the moment we walked the key club mystery put the three-second rule into action striding up to a group he held out his hands and asks what's your first impression of DS not the hands the black nails as the girls gathered round him sim pulled me aside and suggested attempting my first approach a group of women walked by and I try to say something but the word hi barely squeaked out on my throat as they continued past I followed and grabbed one of the girls on the shoulder she turned around startled and gave me a withering look never sinned admonished me approach a woman from behind always coming from the front but at a slight angle so it's not confrontational speak to her over your shoulder so it looks like you might walk away at any minute ever see Robert Redford in a horse whisperer it's kind of like that a few minutes later I spotted a young tipsy looking woman with tangled blonde curls and a puffy pink vest standing alone I circled around until I was in the ten o'clock position and walked in imagining myself approaching a horse I didn't want a frightened oh my god I said to it did you see those two girls fighting outside no what happened she was interested she was talking to me it was working uh two girls were fighting over this little guy who was half her size act was pretty brutal she guild we started talking she actually seemed grateful for the conversation since I'd love to being whispered isolate her I suggested sitting down and we walked to a bench Cyn followed and sat behind us as I'd been taught I asked her to tell me the qualities she finds attractive in guys she said humor and ass fortunately I have one of those qualities suddenly I felt sin's breath in my ear sniffer hair I smelled her hair although I wasn't exactly sure what the point was I figured sin want admittin Egger so I said it smells like smoke no sin hissed she seemed offended so to recover I took another whiff but underneath that there's a very intoxicating smell she scanned me up and down you're weird fortunately mr. e soon arrived this place is that we're going somewhere more target-rich I bid my new friend goodbye as sinner taught me pointing to my cheek and saying this goodbye she actively pecked me I felt very alpha on the way out as I stopped to use the bathroom I found extra mask standing there twirling an unwashed lock of hair in his fingers are you waiting for the toilet I asked sort of it can I tell you something Philip I have a lot of trouble being beside guys and urinals even if I'm peeing already and a guy walks up I stop no one's judging you I walked to the urinal and discharged my duties compared to extra masks I was gonna be an easy student I was in high spirits in the limo to the next bar do you think I could have kissed her I asked mr. e if you think you could have then you could have he said on what you do is you phase-shift tell her you just notice she has beautiful skin and start massaging her shoulders but how do you know it's okay what I do is I look at an indicator of interest if she asks you what your name is that's an IO eye if she asks you if you single that's an IO eye if you take her hands and squeeze them and she squeezes back that's an IO eye and as soon as I get 3 IO eyes my face shift it's like a computer program but how do you kiss I swear I asked I just say would you like to kiss me and then what happens one of three things if she says yes which is very rare you kiss her if she says it may be but hesitates then you say let's find out and kiss her and if she says no you say I didn't say you could it just looked like he had something on your mind you see he grinned triumphantly it's foolproof that is the mystery kiss close I furiously scribbled every word the kiss closed in my notebook no one that ever told me how to kiss a girl before it was just one of those things men were supposed to know on their own like shaving a car repair on the last night of the workshop mystery and sin took us to a bar called the saddle ranch a country themed meat market on the Sunset Strip as I walk towards the mechanical bull ring feeling foolish and a red cowboy hat mystery had insisted I wear a saw a girl with long black hair and tan legs sticking out of a ruffled skirt she was talking to two guys bouncing around them like a cartoon character one second two seconds three hey looks like the party's over here I spoke to the guys then turned to face the girl I knew the next line but I've been dreading to use it if if I wasn't gay you'd be so mine a huge smile spread across her face I like your hat she screeched grabbing the brim I guess peacocking did work hey now I told her repeating a line I had heard mystery use earlier hands after merchandize she responded by throwing her arms around me and telling me I was fun every ounce of fear evaporated with her acceptance how do you all know each other I asked I just met them my name is Ella Nova she curtsied clumsily I took that as an I oh I I showed Ellen over an ESP trick mystery had taught me earlier that evening and which I guess a number she was thinking between 1 and 10 hint it's almost always 7 she clapped her hands together gleefully when the bar closed Ellen over and I moved outside every AFC we walked past gave me the thumbs up and said she's hot what idiots they were [ __ ] up my game that is if I could figure out a way to tell in andover I was straight I put my arm around her she backed away that was definitely not an eye oh I as I took a step towards that her try again one of the guys she's been with in the bar arrived she flirted with him as I stood there stupidly when she turned back to me I told her we should hang out sometime she agreed and we exchanged numbers mystery sin and the boys were in the limo washing the whole exchange go down I climbed inside thinking I was hot [ __ ] for number closing in front of them all but mr. e wasn't impressed you forced yourself on her you let her play with you what do you mean I asked have I ever told you about catch string theory no listen when the string is dangling above its head just out of reach the cat goes crazy trying to get it but as soon as you let go of the string and drop it right between the cat's paws just walks away so so that girl moved away from you when you put your arm around her and you ran right back to it you should have punished the turn away and talked to someone else let her work to get your attention back you have to act like you are the prize I grew silent and thought about it slouching into the seat mystery turned to sin and they talked amongst themselves suddenly mystery broke into a wide smile I looked straight at me you're one of us you're gonna be a superstar sure there is Ovid who wrote the art of love Don Juan the mythical womanizer in Casanova but the undisputed father of modern seduction is Ross Jefferies a tall skinny self-proclaimed nerd from California guru and social gadfly he commands an army 60,000 horny men strong including top government officials intelligence officers and cryptographers his weapon is his voice after years of studying he claims to have found the technology and make no mistake about it that's what it is that will turn any responsive woman into a Lib it honest Puddle Jeffries who claimed to be the inspiration for Tom Cruise's character and Magnolia called its speed seduction Jeffries developed speed seduction with the help of neuro linguistic programming NLP a fusion of hypnosis and psychology the fundamental precept of NLP is that thoughts feelings and behavior can be manipulated through words and physical gestures designed to influence the subconscious over the years Jeffrey's had either outlast sued a crushed any competitor in the field of pickup that is until mystery came along thus the clamor online for an eyewitness account of mysteries first workshop was overwhelming so I obliged posting a detailed description of my experiences at the end of my review I issued a call for wings in Los Angeles I knew that in order to become a pickup artist myself I would have to practice but they my report hit the Internet I received an email from someone in Encino nicknamed Grimble he wanted to Sarge with me the term evidently has its origin in the name of one of Ross Jeffries cats Sarge II I drove the grimble's house the following night all I really knew about him was that he was a college student and he liked girls Grimble strode outside and flashed a big smile that I didn't quite trust he didn't seem dangerous just slippery like a politician or a Salesman or I suppose a seducer he had the complexion of barley tea and wore a brown leather jacket over a silver floral print shirt it was a quiet Tuesday night in the valley and the only place Grimble knew to go was TGI we walked in the door confident smiling unfortunately no one noticed there were two guys watching baseball on television and a group of business people at the corner table was strutted to the balcony as we pushed the door open a woman appeared Hey I said to her let me get your opinion on something she stopped and listened she was about four foot ten with frizzy hair and a marshmallow body but she had a nice smile she would be good practice my friend grumbled it just got a call today from the Mari poet's show and it seems - doing a segment on secret admirers evidently someone has a little crush on him do you think he should go on a show or not sure she answered why not what if his secret admirer is a man she laughed perfect would you do the show I asked probably not suddenly Grimble stepped in so you would make me go on the show but you wouldn't do it yourself you're not adventurous at all are you it was great to watch and work where I would have let the conversation wane and a small talk he was already leaving her somewhere sexual I am she protested then prove it to me let's try a little exercise it's called synesthesia he took a step closer to her it will enable you to find all kinds of resources to accomplish and feel the things you want in life she agreed and closed their eyes but as soon as Grimble began a stocky red face jock marched up to one what are you doing I was showing her a self-improvement exercise well that's my wife go disarm the guy Grimble hissed I had no idea how to disarm him he can show you the exercise too I said I don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about the guy lifted his hands and pushed me backwards the top of my head just reached his shoulders stop it his wife turned to us he gets like this like what I asked the violent he seemed like a great couple I said his drunken face was two inches from mine and yelling about ripping something remind me grumble said as we retreated to the car to teach you how to handle the a mug the a mug the alpha male of the group four days later Grimble called with good news he and his wing two-timer were going to meet Ross Jeffries at California Pizza Kitchen for an expedition to the Getty Museum and I was invited Ross wore a long wool over coke he was goki with Grace stubble and greasy skin so what did you learn from mystery well one of my sticking points was knowing when a girl was attracted to me now I know and how do you know when I get three indicators of interest name them let's see when she asks you what your name is that's one when you take her hands in yours and squeeze them and she squeezes back that's two and I can remember the rest right now ah then he's not a very good teacher is he case closed a short waitress with blue nails arrived to take our order Ross looked at her and then winked at me these are my students I'm the Guru really why would you say if I told you that I teach people how to use mind control to attract any person they desire get out of here it's true I can make you fall in love with any person at this table let me ask you something when you're really attracted to somebody how do you know she thought for a moment well I guess I get a funny feeling and my stomach like butterflies Ross put his hand palm up in front of his stomach yeah and I bet that the more attracted you become the more these butterflies rise up from his stomach he began slowly raising his hand the level of his heart until your face begins to flush like it is right now to time I leaned over and whispered that's anchoring it's when you associated feeling with a touch or a gesture now every time Ross raises his hand like that she gets attracted to him after a few more minutes of Ross's flirtatious hypnose peak the waitresses eyes began to glaze over with your boyfriend were you attracted right away he snapped freeing her from a trance what did it take time well we broke up she said but it took a while we were friends at first isn't it so much better than when you just feel that sense of attraction he moved his hand up like an elevator and her eyes began to glaze again right away from someone he pointed to himself it's incredible isn't it yes she agreed what was wrong with your boyfriend he was too immature well you should date more mature men I was just thinking that about you as we were talking she giggled it's strange you're not my usual type Ross suggested they get together for coffee when she was working and she jumped at the opportunity to give him her phone number we pressed in to Ross's Saab and headed to the Getty Darwin talked about survival of the fittest two-timer explained to me as we walked through the collection of pre 20th century art but strength doesn't have one get ahead in society today we stand at the gate of a new era the survival of the smoothest I like the idea though for me survival was gonna take work at the end of the day Ross had three numbers - timer and Grimble had to each and I had nothing listen Ross said I have a seminar coming up in a few months and I will let you sit in and take it for free Thanks I said I am gonna be your guru not mystery you'll see what I'm teaching is a hundred times more powerful I wasn't sure how to respond and one more thing Ross said in exchange I want you to take me to five no six Hollywood parties with super hot babes do we have a deal he rubbed his thumb on his chin I was sure he was anchoring me though mr. e had flown back to Toronto after the workshop I stayed in touch with sin I'd watch as a woman came over to his house for the first time and he'd throw her against the wall by her neck then release it just before he kissed her shooting her adrenaline level through the roof with equal parts fear and arousal then he'd cook her dinner and never speak a word about it until dessert when it stared her like a tiger eyeing its prey and say you don't even want to know that things I'm thinking of doing to you right now that was generally the point when I'd excuse myself to go home along with the sneakier Grimble the more predatory sin became a faithful wane but our friendship didn't last long one afternoon sin informed me that he didn't rolled in the Air Force as an officer the military is a steady paycheck and I've been an unemployed computer programmer for too long mr. e wants to schedule his next workshop in December since I'm not gonna be around to wing him he wants you to do it I try to control the excitement in my I think I'll be free there was just one small problem I wasn't gonna be free I'd booked the flight to Belgrade to visit Marco the schoolmate who had introduced me to Dustin in his natural ways they had to be a solution I called mr. in Toronto where he was living with his parents and his sister hey buddy mr. said I'm bored out of my mind here can't you go out with Patricia I asked Patricia was mr. his girlfriend she's mad at me mr. e had met Patricia four years ago when she was fresh off the boat from Romania he tried to mold her into his ideal girl but she drew the line of bisexuality for mystery this was a deal breaker he sighed I want to shed you a bunch of workshops I got people interested in Miami Chicago and New York how about Belgrade what isn't there a war going on there no the war is over and I have to visit an old friend Slavic women are supposed to be the most beautiful in the world done great but wait he said what if you're gonna be my wing you can't be Neil Strauss think about it Neil Strauss writer that isn't cool nobody wants to sleep with a writer hold on a minute I heard him rustling through some papers listen these are my personal development goals I want to raise the money for a touring a losing show I want to levitate over Niagara Falls our an airplane a personal assistant a stylist and I want to act in Jesus Christ Superstar as Jesus he never got much love as a child did you no but you need a seduction name he paused styles how about style that's the one thing I prided myself on I may never have been socially comfortable but at least I know how to dress better than those who were style it is mystery and style yes it had a nice ring style the pickup artist teaching lovable losers how to meet the woman of their dreams but as soon as I hung up I realized something first style needed to teach himself I needed to become confident to become interesting to become decisive to become graceful to become the alpha male I was never raised to be I bought books on body language I read anthologies of women's sexual fantasies on marketing levitation mind-reading in handwriting analysis I neglected my work my friends and my family I rented rebel without a cause and a streetcar named desire to practice the poses of James Dean and Marlon Brando I studied Tom Cruise and Top Gun I was stylish jackets with bright shirts I bought rings fake piercings and experimented with cowboy hats as I drove my car to Westwood home to UCLA but my first attempt at sergeant during the daytime I was petrified as I walked past an office depot I saw a woman with brown glasses and short blonde hair that danced on her shoulders she was thin with jeans that were just tight enough and a beautiful complexion like burned butter she walked into the store I decided to move on but then I saw her again through the window she looked like a cool intellectual someone I could talk with about Tarkovsky movies and then take to a monster truck rally I knew that if I didn't approach her i chat sized myself afterwards besides she probably wasn't that good-looking up close anyway I walked into the store and found her looking at mailing envelopes hey maybe you couldn't help me settle the debate I'm having as I recited the mari Pavich opener I noticed that she was even more beautiful at close range I'd stumbled across a genuine ten and I had to follow protocol and neg her I know this is wrong to say I blurted but I grew up on Bugs Bunny cartoons and you have the most adorable Bugs Bunny overbite I was worried I'd gone too far but she actually grinned after all those years of braces my mom's gonna be mad she was flirting back with me I performed the ESP routine unfortunately he/she pick seven she was amazed I asked her what she did for work and she said she was a model the longer we talked the more she seemed to enjoy the conversation but as I noticed the material working I became nervous I couldn't believe that a woman who looked like this was into me I couldn't go on I'm late for an appointment I told her but what steps can we take to continue this conversation this was mr. E's number clothes routine a pickup artist never gives a girl his phone number because she might not call a PUA must make a woman comfortable enough to give him her number he must also avoid asking for it directly because she could always say no I could give you my number I couldn't believe it I don't go out much though maybe she was already having regrets when I returned home I pulled the scrap of paper out of my pocket since she was a model I wanted to look for a picture of her online the lien Kurtis I typed the words into Google and nearly a hundred thousand results came up I had just number closed the reigning Playmate of the Year i sat in front of my phone and stared at Darlene curtis's number every evening but I couldn't bring myself the call I wasn't confident and good-looking enough but this perfect specimen of femininity there's a word for this unworthiness I felt unworthy so I never called my first legitimate success didn't come until a week later extra mask from mr. E's workshop dropped by my apartment one Monday night he was very excited I can pee beside people now so the stuff I learned in mr. E's workshop isn't just the chicks that's true it's for pissing too we drove to Las salsa for burritos and a nearby table that was an attractive but slightly unkempt woman she had long curly brown hair tiny ferret-like features and immense breasts that refused to be concealed by our sweatshirt I've been taking a course in handwriting analysis I told her while we waiting for our food do you mind if I practice on you she looked at me skeptically but then decided was harmless I had it her my notebook and told her to write a sentence in it interesting I said your handwriting has no slant it's straight up and down which means you're self-sufficient person and don't always need to be around others to feel good about yourself I made sure she was nodding in agreement and then continued you don't have a great organizational system to your handwriting which means that in general you're not good at sticking to a schedule with each tip that I told her she leaned in closer and not at a head more vigorously she had a wonderful smile she just finished a comedy class nearby she said and was spending the night at a hotel so I offered to drive her there as I dropped her off I pointed to my cheek and said kiss goodbye she kissed my cheek extra masks kicked the back of my seat excitedly then I told her I had work to do but I'd call her for a drink when I was finished we went to a dive bar I was on an actual date with a woman I'd picked up finally I had an opportunity to experiment with more advanced material there's a way I told her that you can bring better focus to your goals in your life what is that it's a visualization exercise try to remember the last time you felt happiness or pleasure as you feel it now where in your body are those feelings she pointed to the center of a chest and how good does it feel on a scale of one to ten seven okay now as you focus in on this feeling notice that you could begin to see a color flowing from this feeling what is the colour purple she said as she closed their eyes good now with each breath you take I want you to let the purple grow just a little bit brighter her body began to relaxed I could see her chest rise and fall through her sweater I was doing it now voguing a response like the one I'd seen Ross Jeffries get a California Pizza Kitchen I continued making the color expand and growing in intensity as she fell deeper into trance how do you feel now on a scale of one to ten I asked ten I yes it was working then I had to shrink the color to a tiny purple pea that contained all the power and intensity of the pleasure she was feeling I had her place the imaginary pea in my hand then I traced my hand all along a body first at a distance and then lightly touching it to be honest I felt not only a little stupid but also lecherous using the pretext of hypnosis to touch her I stopped and asked her what she thought felt good she said and smiled her ferret smile I drove her back to her hotel and followed her to her room I was too scared to say a word afraid she might suddenly turn on me and ask why are you following me but she seemed to have mentally consented after all that practice I was finally getting results she opened the door of a room and sat on the foot of the bed just like in the movies and pulled off her shoes first the left then the right she was wearing white socks which I found rather endearing then she collapsed backwards I took a step to water preparing to fall on her in an embrace but suddenly a foul list smell I have ever encountered assailed my nostrils I looked at her laying on the bed wanton oblivious it was her feet her feet was thinking up the room I had to get out of there mystery and I were in Belgrade probably the worst time of the year ice and slush lay heavy on the streets as Marko drove us to his apartment in a silver 1987 Mercedes that had a habit of stalling everytime he put it into second gear mystery harem washed and held back in a greasy ponytail fumbled to his backpack producing a long black overcoat he had cut away the bottom third of the coat and sewn in its place black fabric covered with stars his greatest illusion was transforming himself into a good-looking player every night he went out you gonna have to shave your head he said as he looked at me no thanks what if I have wit marks on my head look at you you're wearing glasses because your vision sucks you have a hat on to cover your Hugh bald spot you ghostly white your style so start being style you tend to mock Oh is there a barbershop around here unfortunately there was mystery sat me in a chair and told Marco to make sure the barber shaved down to the skull balling is not a choice but bald is a choice if anyone asks you why your head is shaved tell them I used to have it down past my ass but then I realized I was covering up my best feature when a barber finished I looked in the mirror and saw a chemo patient staring back at me looks good mystery said let's see if there's a tanning salon around here well have you looking like a thug in no time my first thought once I was shaving headed and tan was what took me so long Marco looked as if he could use a makeover six foot three with the out of proportion the head of a peanuts character he hadn't dated a single woman since he'd moved to Belgrade but a few months ago he met a girl named Goku and he was sure she was the one he bought a flowers treated to the dinner and dropped her off at home afterwards like a perfect gentleman have you slept with her yet I asked him no I haven't even kissed her dude you're behaving like a total AFC one day a guy's gonna walk up to her in a club and say do you think magic spells work and take her home she wants an adventure she wants to have sex all girls do well Marco said she's different from all those girls the PE ways have a name for this they call it one itis it's a disease AFC's get they become obsessed with a girl they're not sleeping with and then start acting so needy and nervous around her that they end up driving her away the cure for mine-itis is to go out and have sex with a dozen other girls and then see if this flower is still so special I had neglected to tell mr. e that his standard workshop fee was half the annual salary of the average Serbian so most of our students were from out of the country they met us at Ben Akiba a lounge just off the central square in Belgrade exotic option an American who had taken a train from Florence Gerry was a ski instructor from Munich and sasha was a local who'd been studying in Austria exotic option was cool in fact he was trying so hard to be cool that it was going to work against him Jerry had a great sense of humor but came off on first impressions is boring and Sasha well he looked like a big baby goose with acne the teaching portion of the workshop was easy all I had to do was keep mystery on track the challenge was going to be the demonstration part at the bar I noticed the delicate black haired girl and a tall blonde with both Derrick braids going to the to set over there I instructed Sasha tell them you're showing some friends from America around 1 suggestions for good clubs to take them to it was a crash and burn mission Sasha meekly approached them from behind and tried several times to get them to notice him once he had their attention it was a struggle for him to keep it whenever he opened his mouth the message was clear I was built to be ignored go in mystery said to me what go in show the boys how it's done even after all my training I was terrified mystery calls a dynamic social homeostasis we were constantly buffeted about by on one hand our overwhelming desire to have sex with a girl and on the other the need to protect ourselves when approaching the reason this fear exists he says is because we are wired evolutionarily for a tribal existence where everyone in the community knows when a man is rejected by a woman he is then ostracized and his genes as mystery puts it are unapologetically weeded out of existence as I approached I tried to rationally assess the situation both women were facing the bar and Sasha had approached from behind so they had to turn around to respond but if they wanted to get rid of him all he had to do was turn back towards the bar I came in from the left side of the bar next to the black haired girl the obstacle as mr. II would say hi I rasped I'm the friend Sasha was telling you about so what clubs did you read and I could sense a silent sigh of relief from all parties well Rekha is a fun place for Dina the black-haired girl said hey as we're talking I'm gonna get your opinion on something do you think spells work by now I was getting used to telling the spells opener a story about a friend who fell in love with a woman after she surreptitiously cast an attraction spell on him so while my mouth moved my brain thought strategy I said I'm asking because I had an amazing experience recently here I dressed the blond let me show you something i maneuvered myself around so that I was next to my target now that I was one-on-one with her I still needed to sit down otherwise she's eventually get uncomfortable we'd be lurking over her give me a hand I told her and stand up for a moment as soon as she stood I wheeled around behind her and slid into a seat now I was finally in the set and she was looking on the outside this was the science of approaching perfectly executed like a good game of chess I just stole your chair I laughed she smiled and punched me in the arm the game had begun I was just kidding I continued well try an ESP experiment but I can only stay for a moment then he can have your chair back even though I guessed the number wrong it was 10 she still enjoyed the process and I truly enjoyed listening to this girl she was captivating and had an MBA when it came time to leave I told her it'll be great to see her again before I left she pulled a pen from a person gave me a phone number I could feel mr. E's approval and the students acceptance style was the real deal sasha was still talking to the black haired girl so I whispered in his ear tell her we have to go and ask her for her email he did and lo and behold she gave it to him we rejoined the group and left the cafe Sasha flushed with excitement skipped down the street like a little boy singing in Serbian he was being in his own awkward way himself I'm so happy he raved this is the best day of my life after mr. e and I flew home I received a phone call from Ross Jeffries I'm having a workshop this weekend if you want you can come and sit in for free it's at the Marina Beach Marriott Hotel sure I thought they might love to it's just one thing you owe me parties good Hollywood parties with hot chicks about it I arrived on Saturday afternoon to find rows of men sat behind tables some agree she had students others with greasy headed adults in the front was our poorest bony guru talking into a headset he noticed me sitting in the back row brothers this style I smiled wanly he has seen what mr. e has to offer him decided to become my disciple isn't that right style every greasy had in the room turned to look at me the reviews of mr. E's Belgrade workshop had hit the Internet and my skills in the field had been soundly praised I stared at the thin black headset calling around his face like a spider something like that that was not enough for him who is you guru it was his room but it was my mind I'll get back to you on that I could see that he wasn't happy after all this wasn't just the seminar he was running it was a cult when a meeting broke for lunch Ross pulled me aside I wasn't aware that you were still a supporter of mystery I thought you had come over to the good side I don't think your two methods have to be mutually exclusive I told mr. e what you did with the waitress and he flipped out he saw how speed seduction could really be effective Ross's face turned purple stop you're being led into the inner sanctum of power my young apprentice and the price of betrayal is dark beyond measure Ross's severity though unconscionable was understandable he had built the seduction community almost single-handedly worse than mr. e in his mind was a former speed seduction student named David DeAngelo DeAngelo had set up a rival business called W dating it was based not on any form of hypnosis but rather on evolutionary psychology and D'Angelo's principle of cocky fun you know my cheap-jack imitated david the anus hole is having his first seminar in LA or I said the guy is so [ __ ] good-looking and well-connected it just astounds me that people think he could ever understand that difficulties in dealing with women I made a mental note to sign up for the seminar attraction is not a choice those were the words David D'Angelo had projected on the wall the seminar was packed many of the people I recognized including extra masks it was getting to be an all-too-familiar sight a person on stage instructing a group of needy man on how to save themselves from nightly on anism but there was a difference the Angelo was a good-looking guy he didn't have the crazy gleam of a wannabe cult leader or some gaping hole in his soul that he was trying to fill with women seduction he read from his notes is defined in the dictionary as an enticement to wrongdoing in other words seduction implies being dishonest that is not what I'm teaching I'm teaching something called attraction how do you make someone want something you give it value you show that others like it you make it scarce and you make them work for it the highlight of the seminar was an appearance by two people who would give me my much coveted in a game and more Steve P & Rasputin's wearing a leather vest and an Indiana Jones hat Steve P was equal parts Hells Angel and Native Americans Shaymin disputant was a strip club bouncer with mutton-chop sideburns who looked like a steroid jack Wolverine their advice in seducing women was simple become an expert and how to feel good Steve P trained women to have orgasms from a single vocal command and more fantastically he claimed to give hypnotic breast enlargements putin's forte was what he called hypnotic sexual engineering sex he explained must be viewed as a privilege for the woman not a favor to you if a woman wants to give me a [ __ ] I tell her you only get three sucks afterwards I tell her didn't that feel nice next time you get five sucks you have to live in your own reality Steve peat cut in I had a girl once tell me I was kind of pudgy I said well if that's what you think you don't get to Pat the Buddha belly or ride the Jade stalk afterwards D'Angelo introduced me to the pair I'd love to learn more about what you do I said Steve be scanned my face a guy named Phoenix offered to pay me two thousand dollars to follow me around for three days and I told him no because he wants to make women his slaves you seem like you may care about women here's my card call me if you ever want to learn some in a circle [ __ ] so began the weirdest phase of my education every weekend I Drive south to San Diego and stay at Steve peace small squalid appointment where he raised two sons the same way he talked to his students with compassionate obscenity in the afternoon Steve and I drove to seevis Putin at each session they put me under and rasputin's would tell complex metaphorical stories in one of my ears as Steve P issued commands to my subconscious in the other after we died go back to Steve's house and read his NLP books while he screamed lovingly at his kids after they went to sleep he gave me a lesson in soul gazing which is when you look deep into a one's right eye with your own right eye as you breathe together once you do this with her she's going to barn real strong with you he warned finally he shared what he considered to be his greatest skill guiding any woman through words and touch to a powerful orgasm that gushes like Niagara Falls it was a whirlwind of learning I didn't call my friends I barely talked to my family I turned down every writing assignment that came my way I told Rasputin's Steve said one night that I'd like you to become one of our trained it was an offer I'd have to turn down I had hundreds of openness routines cocky funny comments ways to demonstrate value on powerful sexual techniques I needed to be in the field approaching calibrating fine-tuning and working through sticking points I made a promise to myself if I ever meet a guru again it would not be as a student but as an equal as mystery and I traveled the world doing workshops the poses and the key book jockeys were outed and the superstars were given their due a mystery and I were the superstars because we delivered the game was consuming my old life but it was part of the process of becoming that guy in the club the one I'd always envied the one in the corner making out with the girl he just met the Dustin before I discovered the community the only time had ever made out with a girl I met in a club was when I first arrived in Los Angeles but in the middle of kissing she pulled away and said everyone must think you're a producer or something the subtext was that she was otherwise too hot to be making out with a slob like me it shattered me for months but now when I walked into a club I felt a rush of power wondering which woman would have her tongue down my throat within half an hour my reputation stemmed largely from the Miami workshop we're in a period of 30 minutes I put my previous six weeks of training into action it was a night that would go down in the annals of community history it was seduction not as wrestling but at ballet when they walked into the VIP area of Miami's crowbar everyone noticed they were both platinum blonde with well tanned fake breasts and identical outfits tight white tank tops and tight white pants they were perfect tents and they would dress to turn men into beasts I had to suppress every evolutionary instinct and pay them no attention whatsoever with me were a mystery and two of our students outbreak and the matador of love outbreak went in first complementing the Platinum twins on their out it's they brushed him off like a gnat next the matador of a love moved in with the Mary Povich opener he too crashed and burned now it was my turn this was gonna take every bit of self-esteem that Steve P and Rasputin's that hypnotized into me that tall one isn't a 10 mystery leaned in and whispered to me she's an 11 this is gonna take some hardcore negging the girl strode to the bar where they began talking to a transvestite in the black tutu I moved in not even glancing at them and greeted the transvestite as if I knew him now that I was in range it was time to neg that girl over there is binding your style I said to the 10 look at her I pointed to another platinum blonde in a white outfit she's just got the same hair 10 replied dismissively no look at her outfit I persisted it's almost exactly the same they looked over if I didn't come up with something good to follow I'd be branded just another weirdo you know what I told him you both look like strange little snowflakes it was a bizarre comment but now I had their attention I continued and I have to ask you something is your hair real the 10 looks shocked yes feel it I pulled it gently hey it moved pulled harder I complied and yanked it so hard that her neck jerked back okay I said I believe you but how about your friend there the Elevens face reddened this is really rude what if I'm bald underneath here that could really hurt someone's feelings how would you feel if someone said that to you the pickup is a high stakes game but if I could turn our anger around I'd be in fortunately I happen to be trying to make a point to the students and was wearing a black mod wig just to show that looks don't matter it's all game I don't leaned over the bar instead the 11 down well actually I am wearing a wig and I'm bald underneath hey she looked at me she didn't know how to respond and I'll tell you something else whether I go out totally bald or in some crazy long haired wig it changed the way I'm treated by people beauty is common it's something you're born with or you pay for what counts is what you make it yourself a great outlook and a great personality the girls were dumbstruck I had entered their world as Geoffrey's once put it and demonstrated authority over it and to ensure my position there I threw him one more net but softened with a slight compliment and you know what you have a great smile I can tell that underneath all that you're probably a good person the ten sided love to be and said we're sisters unless a pickup artist would have thought that he had won them over but no this was just one more [ __ ] test I looked very slowly at both of them and then took a chance [ __ ] I bet a lot of guys believe you but I'm a very intuitive person when I look at you both I can tell you're very different to different the ten broke into a guilty smile we never told anyone this but you're right with just friends I took another chance and I'd be willing to bet that you haven't even been friends for that long usually best friends start to have the same mannerisms in you two don't we've only known each other a year the ten admitted now it was time to back off my game and fluff a little the ten told me they were from San Diego as we talked I kept my back to the 11 as if I were less interested in her this was classic mystery method I wanted her thinking more about me wondering why I wasn't giving her the attention she was used to I think of a woman's interest in me as a fire and when it's touched the dye out it's time to stoke it so just when the eleven was about to walk away I turned around and delivered a beautiful line you know what when I look at you I can see exactly what you look like in middle school I'm willing to bet you weren't so outgoing or popular then sure it was a truism but she stared at me flabbergasted to seal a victory I laid out one last beauty neutralizing cold reading routine I bet a lot of people think you're a [ __ ] but you're actually shy in a lot of ways she began to give me the doggie dinner look as the P UAS call it her eyes glazed over her pupils dilated and she just watched my lips move entranced and attractive you're interesting the ten leaned in gave me a tight hug hey that'll be $30 I told her disentangling myself this [ __ ] ain't free I love him she told her friend then she asked if they could stay with me next time they were in LA sure I said but as the words left my mouth I realized that I should have made my hospitality more of a challenge there's so much to remember and juggle during a pickup and it's hard to get everything perfect but no matter she gave me a phone number and I gave her mine as we exchanged them I learned that the 10 was Rebecca and the 11 was Heather now it was time to separate the two of them and see if I could get enough i/o eyes to kiss close Heather a guy they knew suddenly showed up on board three shots for Heather Rebecca and himself I held out my empty hand and looked around pretending to be hurt Heather took the bait don't mind him she said he's just rude and she called the bartender over and ordered me a shot Rebecca threw her a dirty look remember our rule I knew what the rule was girls like this love it when guys bite him drinks but a true pickup artist knows never to buy meals drinks a gifts for a girl he hasn't slept with dating is for tools but you're not buying a drink for yourself I told him you're buying one for me suddenly mr. e walked towards me and whispered in my ear isolate I want to show you something I took Heather by the hand led her to a nearby booth and performed the ESP experiment I told her about soul gazing and with house music and dozens of conversations blaring around us we stared into each other's eyes and shared a moment together I slowly moved my head towards hers no lips she said quietly I held up my index finger and place it against her lips and said then I kissed her we made out carefully and then I returned her to Rebecca at the bar I told them it was a pleasure meeting them and I should rejoin my friends for the rest of the night I was on fire women who hadn't even seen me with the Platinum nan sisters were opening me they could smell it when I ran into Heather again I asked that you're not a thief or you know I removed my necklace and very slowly put it around her neck this is still mine I was but kissing her lately it's something to remember tonight by but I want it back next time I see you it's very special to me as I walked away I knew I just made her night it didn't even matter whether I got late or not after two months of workshops I flew back to Los Angeles for a break when I grew Restless the compulsion to Sarge consumed my body like a fever fortunately I received a call from Grimble he was at the whiskey bar talking to Heidi Fleiss the former Hollywood met him she wanted to meet me I slipped into a custom-made suit I had a feeling this was not a casual call when I arrived the Grimble was standing next to her at the bar I reached out and shook my hand firmly grimbo here says you're a pickup artist let's see what you've got a flash Grimble a dirty look why don't you show her I have a girl here he said nodding to a petite Hispanic woman in 4-inch heels well Heidi prodded go pick up a girl I bet I can get anyone you can she spun around and approached three girls sitting on a patio the battle had begun I opened a nearby three set two men and a lady who looked like an anchorwoman in search of a camera how do you all know each other unfortunately she was married to one of the guys just as I was about to eject Heidi marched in so she asked my former target how do you know style we just met him she said as we left I asked her how a three-set had gone the girls were all 20 I could have turned them out in half an hour evidently pick up the Heidi Fleiss meant recruiting girls as escorts minutes later she was in another group I decided it was time to humble her with the awesome power of my newfound game she was kneeling on the ground in front of two women with gold glitter dusting their cheeks talking about local rest ron's I walked in with a new opinion opener I had made up about a friend whose new girlfriend won't let him talk to his ex-girlfriend from college is she being fair I asked or is she being too possessive the point was to get the glitter girls talking amongst themselves but Heidi blurted the guys should just [ __ ] both girls I mean I always put out on the first night it was time to demonstrate value and blow Heidi out I ran a piece I'd invented after meeting the fake sisters the best friends test I have to ask you guys how long have you known each other about six years one of the girls said I could totally tell how rather than explain I'll give you two the best friends test the girls leading towards me thrilled by the idea guys in the community have an expression for this phenomena chick crack most women respond to routines involving tests psychological games fortune-telling and cold reading like addicts respond to free drugs okay I said the girls huddled in closer do you both use the same shampoo they looked at each other to decide on an answer then turned to me and open their mouths to speak I cut them off you already passed but we don't use the same shampoo one of the girls said you both looked at each other before you answered when two people have a connection they look at each other first and communicate almost telepathically before answering the two girls looked at each other again see I exclaimed you're doing it right now they burst out laughing big points for style but Heidi was no quitter so she announced ernie you girls gonna [ __ ] him ouch one sentence she had humiliated me of course none of the girls wanted to [ __ ] me not yet I hadn't even made it halfway through my sequence and even if I had the comments still would have blown me out hey I'm not that easy I responded a little late and he trusts comfort and connection first Heidi and I walked away together she clapped a hand on my shoulder if I left here right now they'd follow me out like a line of ducks by the time we left the bar that night I learned it there's a fine line between pimp and player when I came home Dustin was waiting in my apartment the king of the naturals had returned he was wearing a tweed sports coat straight-leg polyester slacks and a black skullcap I hadn't talked to Dustin since before I joined the community last I'd heard he was managing a nightclub in Russia how did you get in here your landlady Louise lent me and she's a really sweet person her son's a writer too you know it's good to see you it gave me a big bear hug when he pulled away his eyes were misty as if it really were good to see me again the feeling was mutual Dustin was a blank male canvas for a woman to project her repressed desires onto now with my new knowledge I could watch him work ask questions and eventually model his process I don't know if I told you what I've been doing this past year I said but my whole life has changed I know Marko told me he looked at me with big wet brown eyes the ones that are gazed into the souls of countless beautiful women I don't he paused I don't really do that anymore I looked at him incredulously but then I noticed that the skull cap on his head was a yarmulke I live in Jerusalem now in a yeshiva you're kidding no I haven't had sex for eight months it's not allowed I couldn't believe what I was hearing are you a lot of masturbate no really well sometimes I have wet dreams see God is trying to tell you something it has to come out he laughed and patted me on the back his gestures were slow and his laugh was condescending as if he had spiritually bypassed toilet humor I go by my Hebrew name now Elisha I was stunned how could Dustin transform so suddenly from nightclub paya to rabbinical student especially now that I needed it most so what made you give up women after a while I'd bring girls home and I didn't want to have sex with them I just wanted to talk so we talked all night and on a very deep level that's when I started to leave it behind I realized that I got my entire validation from women women became like gods to me but false gods so I went to find the real God I stopped by he said to ask your forgiveness for some of my past actions I had no idea what he was talking about I had idealized a lifestyle that was corrupt he explained I abhorred kindness mercy human dignity and intimacy I dragged you into this hole pick up things so to whatever extent I am guilty of affecting the natural goodness of your soul I am deeply sorry it all made sense intellectually but I've never trusted extremes whether it be drug addiction religious fanaticism or zero carb diets Dustin had a hole he was trying to fill first with women now would religion I accept your apology I told him but with the caveat that you have nothing to apologize for I'm not just more successful with women now I'm more successful in every other interaction from dealing with my landlord to handling credit card over charges well he said yes what I am eternally here for you as a true friend and also to make up for what I did [ __ ] him I was gonna take a nap mind if I stay over for a couple of days no problem but I'm leaving for Australia on Wednesday do you have no alarm clock I can borrow I need to pray with the sunrise after I found him a small travel clock he reached into his bag here I brought this for you it was an 18th century book called the path of the just with a note he had written for me on the title page it quoted the Talmud whoever destroys a single life is as guilty as though he had destroyed the entire world and whoever rescues a single life earns as much merit as though he had rescued the entire world so he was trying to save me why I was having fun mister we're on another road trip the Sun was blazing the map was accurate and there was a surfboard strapped at the top of the car we had five workshops sold out in three cities in Australia life was good at least for me mystery was in low spirits before he left Toronto his girlfriend Patricia had given him an ultimatum marriage and children are goodbyes I do not understand woman he complained I mean I know exactly what to do to attract them but I still don't understand them we've come to Australia because sweater the Australian student from mysteries first workshop had invited us to stay with him in Brisbane after four months of sergeant he had finally met the woman he wanted to marry unlock a smitten Tanuja sweater looked nothing like the insecure middle-aged man I had met in the Roosevelt Hotel he was ten healthy and welcoming smile was now plastered to his face I'll just spent a week in Sydney with my girlfriend he said walking us into the house we talked on the phone about seven times a day and on top of that I made half a million dollars this week on a real estate seminar so thanks to the community I have health fun money and love sweaters place was an airy bachelor pad overlooking Brisbane River on the ground floor for employees all fresh-faced Australian boys sat at a large horseshoe-shaped desk each working on his own computer sweater had not only trained each of them to sell his products books and courses on real estate investing but he turned them on to the seduction community as well by day they made sweater money by night they went sergeant with him I'm still having fun helping the guys here get girls but I'm off the market that's what it said I'm getting out at the top I've come to understand that without commitment you cannot have depth in anything whether it's a relationship a business or a hobby in many ways I was jealous I hadn't met any women yet I could say that about mystery was even more blown away than I was by sweater I want this he kept telling me as we drove to the airport mystery and I plotted our next adventure I have a one-on-one workshop booked in Toronto next month he said the guy is paying me $1500 how'd he get the money his dad's rich he just started posting online under the name Papa mr. e had recently gotten his own place in Toronto Patricia had broken up with him for good this time getting out of the house for these workshops would be good therapy for him papa was a soft-spoken Chinese pre-law student he wore a checkered button-down shirt and jeans that were a size too large mr. e and I sat down with him at a cafe and asked him the usual questions watch his score what would you like it to be what are you sticking points well I used to be the social chair of my fraternity and I come from a lot of money my father is the president of a major university let me cut you off right there I said instead of gaining our admiration all you're doing is displaying Louis status a rich man doesn't have to tell you he's rich papa nodded stupidly is it okay if I record everything you're saying he asked struggling to pull a small digital recorder out of his pocket there are certain bad habits we've groomed our whole life from personality flaws to fashion faux paws and it has been the role of parents and friends outside of some minor tweaking to reinforce the belief that were okay just as we are but it's not enough to just be yourself you have to be your best self that's why the workshops was so life transforming we told each student the first impression he made we weren't afraid of hurting his feelings being uncool and unconfident are just bad habits which can be changed with enough guidance and willpower and that was Papa's asset willpower I demonstrated some of my best routines on him the jealous girlfriend opener the best friends test and a new piece I made up involving c-shaped smiles u-shaped smiles and the personality characteristics each conveyed Papa recorded every word on his digital recorder I should have recognized the signals then I should have realized what was going on this wasn't teaching it was cloning mister and I were traveling around the world making miniature versions of ourselves and we would soon pay for it after our last day with Papa we went to a club called government mystery started talking to a delicate blonde and a strapless dress and a muscular brunette and a do-rag when it introduced me he told them I was an amazing illusionist so I faked them out with a couple of pseudo magic tricks I'd learned in elementary school as mystery isolated the brunette I talk to the blonde her name was Caroline her friend was Carly Caroline lived in the suburbs with her family her goal in life was to be a nurse Caroline's face was dappled with pinprick freckles one of her teeth was crooked she smelled like cotton my favorite color was probably pink I observed all these things as my mouth move reciting the routine I told to hundreds of girls before what was different about Caroline was that the routines didn't seem to be working I just couldn't reach what I called the hook point why don't we all grab a bite to eat mystery suggested during the meal everything suddenly clicked in the group Kali felt comfortable enough to unleash her biting wit and Caroline began to radiate empathy and warmth we didn't need any routines or tactics we all just made fun of ourselves and each other afterward Kali invited us to call a cab from our apartment around a corner we didn't call a cab and the girls didn't remind us to which we took there's an IO I call he soon left the room of mystery as Caroline and I wrapped ourselves around each other the touch was gentle a body frail and forgiving but when I reached for a condom I heard the five words that had taken the place of let's just be friends in my life but I just met you she was 19 she said she hadn't had sex in almost two years the reason she said she had a one-year-old child caught him and she was determined not to be another neglectful teenage mother this was the first time she'd been apart from him for a weekend after the girls dropped us off at home mister and I broke down the events of the night despite what I thought mystery hadn't even gotten a kiss from Carly she had a boyfriend so we concocted a plan the freeze-out if women have sex for validation mystery figured why not take validation away from her the plan was to ignore her until she became so uncomfortable she wanted to cozy up to him just to make things normal again I called Caroline and she picked us up that evening mystery who was freezing us all out made dinner somewhat uncomfortable if his plan worked it would be worth it if not then he was just an [ __ ] afterwards mystery said decisively we'll head him back to my place Carolyn and I lay on the bed and slowly undressed each other my body was trembling with so much emotion that it seemed to dissipate beneath me it felt like making love to a cloud when she came she didn't make a sound afterwards she rolled away from me and grew distant I knew what she was thinking when I asked as she burst into tears I gave it up too fast now I'm never gonna see you again I told her that I'd be sad if I never saw her again it wasn't a line when we finally emerged into the front room we found Carly and mystery wrapped around each other in a blanket judging by the clothing strewn across the floor mysteries freeze-out had been a success the next night Caroline drove to mr. E's house and we all went out for sushi where's Carly mystery asked Caroline flushed she couldn't make it did she say why well Caroline said she's well she's with her boyfriend mistress face went pale after a long silence he asked Caroline to drive him to the strip club where his ex girlfriend Patricia worked she dropped him off in the parking lot and then took me to spend the night at the house in the suburbs her mother greeted us at the door in our arms was a crying baby while I was playing daddy with Caroline mystery was spiraling not only would Patricia not take him back but she also told him that she'd started dating other people she's been working out three hours a day he said over the phone and her ass is a 10 the things that chick will do when she's angry mysteries own theories and attraction to come back to slap him in the face Patricia was doing a takeaway but for her it wasn't a technique it was for real the morning after mystery lay slumped in the backseat of Caroline's car wrapped in a blanket a hat pulled over his eyes beyond asking us to drop him off at his family's condo he didn't say a word afterwards I didn't really want to go back to Caroline's I hate the suburbs but Caroline didn't want to be away from her son so while she played with Carter the next day I checked my email there were two four mystery in the first he wrote that he'd gotten into a fight with his sister I had to restrain her by grabbing her throat and flipping out of the ground I didn't left to go back to my house the second one read simply I'm cracking up and I'm gonna get sleeping pills because if I stay up all night alone I'll go nuts I can't wait to disappear he was losing his mind and I was stuck in [ __ ] Ontario watching Britney Spears in Crossroads the next morning I had Caroline drive me to mr. E's place he was sitting on the bed working on a half-finished email I'm telling the students in New York seminars cancelled why are you doing that I was pissed I put a month of my life on hold so we could go to New York and Bucharest together not enough people oh well come on I said you're already making $1,800 living he sighed costs too much it's all too melodramatic for me the guy was a black hole sucking up attention [ __ ] him I gave his dresser a mule kick a prescription bottle hit the floor scattering pills I picked it up and looked at it rich Ravel what are these did my sister's antidepressant pills I figured they couldn't be doing much good so I left three in the bottle and stuff the rest of my pocket I found Caroline in the front room let's go back to your house she smiled weakly sympathetically and that moment I hated her she just seems so useless I spent the next day juggling airplane tickets and travel plans one of the reasons I became a writer is that unlike directing movies are acting a theatrical production you can do it alone the success and failure depend entirely on yourself I had idolized mystery I'd wanted to be him but like most everyone else he was his own worst enemy when I checked the seduction boys that day there was one new message from him its title mysteries last post just wanted to say thanks for the memories and good luck to you all your friend mystery I went to his website and had been taken down already he looked like a big baby a big baby who was about to kill himself I had no idea it'd gotten the serious Martina his sister said she packed him a suitcase while his mother brought him downstairs and headed towards a car that would take him to the psychiatric hospital as she opened the door for him a fourth set of girls poured out of an SUV parked in front of them for a moment spark of life slicked in Mysteries eyes and watched them hoping to hear him say those six magical words the sister said of mine but his eyes went dead again his mother slammed the door shut I saw his face through the glass the smiling blonde forset reflected against it he stared blankly ahead his jaw set his labret piercing angrily glinting in the cold afternoon light mysteries breakdown triggered a crisis of faith in the community papa was failing out of school a San Francisco PUA deigned adonus had been fired from his advertising job and my writing had come to a near standstill I'd like to say that we all came to our senses that we relegated seduction to a glorified hobby but there's a concept in hypnosis called fractionation and it states that if a person under hypnosis is brought out of the trance and then put back under the trance will be even deeper and more powerful it was when I went to Croatia that I realized everything had changed I was no longer in the game to meet women I was in the game to lead in two of the Croatian pickup artists I was staying with and even shaved their heads in emulation of pictures of me they'd seen online Neil Strauss was officially dead in the eyes of these men I was styled the king of the unnatural 'he's all over the world people were using my jokes my comebacks my lines to meet kiss and [ __ ] girls I'd overshot my goal now I had to prove myself every time I went out before I joined the community I've been afraid of failing in front of women now I was afraid of failing in front of men we're simply talking to a stranger was enough to elate me in my AFC days now I needed to have her in my bed within a week as a community we had reached a new height of arrogance I'm starting to feel like I'm hunting rabbits with a howitzer a student told me any pu A's who had been disillusioned with the community after mistress breakdown was soon back in the game full throttle and the most full throttle mall was Papa Papa's pledged to study for law school that lasted a month then he went on a road trip imitating what it seen me do traveled the world meet different PAS and become the best there was one fledgling PUA in particular who papa bonded with a 22 year old Canadian he called himself Tyler Durden after the seditious character and Fight Club and like a virus or a demagogue choose your simile he would eventually change the course of the community and everyone in it a philosophy student at Queen's University Ontario Tyler hit the seduction boards like a hurricane within a couple of months he had consumed nearly every piece of relevant information on seduction and reinvented himself as an authority delivering stream-of-consciousness essays and field reports full of impressive feats and braggadocio like thumbtacks to a magnet the seduction boys were up his ass and soon he was Papa's trusted wing Tyler Durden advocated a new mission he called it Project Mayhem in honor of Fight Club the directive was to run up to an attractive woman and before even uttering a word lightly body checker whacker on the head with something soft or physically acosta in some other playful manner soon hundreds of Sarge's around the world was suddenly knocking into women with grocery carts and smacking him with gym bags wasn't seduction was elementary school recess and therein lays appeal Tyler Durden made seduction seem subversive yet every time he had the option of getting laid he seemed to back down mystery was back he'd been released from hospital and following week Tyler Durden would be driving in to take a one-on-one workshop I came out of this strange emotional journey with some incredible cognitive models mystery told me he was in a manic mode he hadn't exactly returned he had transformed I have my life goals set he continued this year I will build the foundation to take down Copperfield I am a superstar my brain pupate it into a butterfly I asked them if he was on any medication he said he wasn't I've given it a great deal of thought he went on I only get depressed when I isolate myself so we need to design a social environment with people to motivate me something like sweaters place in Australia I'm calling it project Hollywood I shine you went on I see this now and I'd like you to come and be a star with me mister II wanted to book me for three months straight but I couldn't commit to the time there was something I used to do before I was a full-time pickup artist it was called writing somewhere in another life I used to wake up in the morning sit at a desk before even eating or showering and stew in my own filth as I sat typing on a computer and not getting laid I needed to put my life back in balance in the process of dehumanizing the opposite sex I had also been dehumanizing myself what I didn't tell mystery was that I didn't trust them anymore I wasn't gonna set aside time and buy plane tickets only to have him break me again it didn't take mystery long to find too enthusiastic wings to replace me Tyler Durden and Poppa I wasn't surprised the pair were constantly in Toronto staying in his apartment mystery would call to fill me in on that progress he'd say I've humbled Tyler Durden with my game he was an [ __ ] at first but we've broken through that so should I let him stay at my place when he comes to town with Poppa he's part of the PUA family I just think of him as an annoying cousin who farts a lot one week later popper and Tyler Durden were on my doorstep Poppa actually looked somewhat cool he wore a leather jacket and sunglasses pushed up on his forehead behind him was the palest non albino human being I had ever seen a shock of orangey blonde stuck straight up from his ovoid head his smile seemed like a plastic snap-on attachment and his features were flattened as if pressed back by an invisible stocking he nodded at me when he walked in no word of greeting no eye contact maybe he was nervous we went out to dinner Tyler opened up in fact he talked non-stop he liked to talk around a point rather than getting to it my head spun listening to him I was busting on this girl Michelle I was busting on her hard hard [ __ ] busting dude here he pulled his head back pursed his mouth raised his eyebrows and started nodding the gesture was meant to convey how hard the bust thing was but it looks strange then this dude comes up to her and is like Michelle you were so cute you are the bomb and she looks at me and goes I hate it when guys do that now I will never ever like him I only want a guy who doesn't want me I hate guys who want me I hate it despite everything I wanted a like Tyler Durden everyone else seemed to the reports of his skills with Stella and one of the biggest egos of them all Ross Jeffries was getting left behind speed seduction seemed as archaic to the new generation of community members as buying a girl flowers and Ross wasn't happy about it I returned home to the following message hey style its Ross I'm in a cranky mood I'm just going to tell you that it's uneven it won't kill you to take me to more than one party buddy though I think you owe me a lot more than that if you don't come through I won't get mad I'll just cut you out of the speed seduction community I really will if it sounds like a challenge itis you to a girl so be it I called Ross a couple of nights later and invited him to dinner he wasn't as angry as I thought he'd be chiefly because his mind was consumed by someone else Tyler Durden there's something creepy about his lack of ordinary human wants I wouldn't be surprised if sooner or later he breaks from mystery and just teaches totally on his own he's uncomfortable around people who are more powerful than him though I wrote the comment off as more of rasa's competitive paranoia Tyler Durden soon proved him right mystery flew to England to teach another round of workshops when he left with glowing reviews Tyler Durden and Papa stayed behind to run a few workshops of their own to satisfy the demand mr. e phoned as soon as he returned to Toronto my father has lung cancer so he's on her way out it's strange but the first person I wanted to call was you so how do you feel about it I'm not upset but my mom was crying and it's the first time I've ever seen her cry that always wanted whisky poured on his grave so my brother said I just hope he doesn't mind me filtering it through my bladder first mystery laughed I try to force a chuckle out for his sake but it didn't come the image wasn't funny to anyone who didn't hate the guy meanwhile Tyler Durden and Papa were running wild in Europe at first they pretty much taught mr. E's material but that all changed one night in Leicester Square it was here that a mugging was born the alpha male of the group a constant thorn in the side of Sarge's there's nothing more humiliating than having a lumber Highschool quaterback pick you up from behind and make fun of you peacocking gear in front of the girls you're trying again it's a constant reminder that you're just a closet nerd Tyler Durden may have been the biggest closet nerd of us all what he lacked in coolness he made up for an analysis he could watch a human interaction and break it down to physical verbal social and psychological components that powered it an a mugging or cutting a competitive male cock-block out of a set appealed to his subversive side stealing a woman from the jocks who used to pick on him at school was a taste for sweeter than simply seducing a woman sitting alone in a cafe so he watched the body language a mugs used to lower his status in sets he observed the eye contact they used to signify to girls that he was a creep soon he laid out a new social order with the strong live off the weak and a clever live after strong now nothing could stop the PGA's they could steal girls right from under the disbelieving eyes of boyfriends the size of refrigerators mystery was outraged Tyler Durden and Poppa had set up their own website and rival company mystery had called his classroom seminars social dynamics they called their infield workshops real social dynamics it was time for me to move time to stick a claim on the seduction subculture before another writer beat me to it so I called an editor I knew at the Style section of the New York Times it seemed like an appropriately named section the night before the story on my double life was published I slept fitfully I'd created this character style now in two thousand words in newsprint I was gonna kill him I was sure everyone in the community would be pissed off that there had been a traitor in their midst I had nightmares of Sarge's gathering outside my house with torches to burn me alive but no amount of worrying could have prepared me for the response there was none to the Sarge's I was a pickup artist first and a journalist second instead of being upset at Neil Strauss for infiltrating their community they were proud of style for getting an article in the New York Times I hadn't killed style at all I'd only made him stronger Sarge's googled my name and ordered my books on Amazon writing long posts detailing my career even more surprising I didn't want to leave the subculture though I had more than attained my goal as a pickup artist I had accidentally found a sense of belonging that had eluded me my whole life shortly after the article came out I received the phone call from well Donna the features editor at rolling stone we're doing a cover story on Tom Cruise that's great I said yeah he wants you to do it why I've never interviewed an actor before he read that article he wrote in The Times on the pickup guys he wants to go to wheelie school with you what's Willie school it's where you learn to do motorcycle wheelies sounds cool I neglected to tell will that I'd never ridden a motorcycle in my life he was the first person I'd met since joining the seduction community who didn't let me down this is gonna be great man Tom Cruise smashed a friendly elbow into my chest it was the exact same a mocking gesture that Tyler Durden had written about in London he wore black bike leathers with a matching helmet tucked under his left arm and two days of stubble on his chin I'm training to jump a trailer he pointed to a mobile home sitting just off the track it would be bigger than that one but it's not that hard he squinted at the vehicle for a moment visualizing the feet well the jumping is not that hard it's the landing that's difficult Tom Cruise was the perfect specimen he was the a mug that Tyler Durden and mystery and everyone else in the seduction community had been trying to emulate he had a natural ability to remain dominant physically and mentally in any social situation without seeming to exert any effort he was the living embodiment of all six of mysteries five characteristics of an alpha male nearly everyone in the community had studied his films to learn body language there was so much I wanted to ask him but first I needed to confirm something so what made you pick me for this article I dug you New York Times piece you were writing about the dating guys so it was true he paused in his eyes narrowed to slits indicating that he was speaking about a serious topic his left eye closed a little more than his right one giving the appearance of deep intensity now is that guy you wrote about in your article really saying that the character of magnolia is based on him is he saying that he was talking about Ross Jeffries one of Ross's claims to fame was that he was the inspiration for Frank TJ Mackey the character Cruz played an arrogant seduction teacher with unresolved father issues who orders his students to respect the [ __ ] he shouldn't Cruz swallowed a salt pill and chased it down with a long swig of bottled water that's not OK it's not true really that guy is not Mackey at all it's not Mackey seemed important for Cruz to establish this I worked on creating that character with Paul Thomas Anderson for four months and I didn't use that guy at all Cruz sat me on his 1000cc Triumph motorcycle and taught me how to start the engine and shift gears then he raced around the track popping wheelies while I wiped out going five miles an hour afterwards he bought me to his trailer the walls were covered with pictures of the children he and his ex-wife Nicole Kidman had adopted as this Jeff fish guy turned his character more or makya since the movie he's arrogant and megalomaniacal like Macky but is not his alpha male is Macky I'll tell you something Cruz sat down at a table spread with finger sandwiches and cold cuts when I did that monologue as Macky we didn't tell the audience anything about what we were doing and the guys just started getting pumped up as I was talking so at the end of the day PTA and I had to get on stage and say look man we just want to tell you that where this character was going and what he saying is not good it's not okay here came the lecture first Dustin now Tom Cruise I couldn't understand it what was wrong with learning how to meet women that's what we're here for it's how the species survives all I wanted was an evolutionary edge so why not work at it and let her do well who says you're allowed to take lessons in motorcycle riding but not in interacting with women everyone wants to be seduced it makes us feel wanted we made this whole speech because the guys were taking what we were saying and going with it and getting onto it so PTA and I was saying hey man oh my god easy as he remembered that moment Cruz let out a laugh and Cruz doesn't laugh like ordinary people do his laugh takes over a room it comes on just fine a regular laugh by any standards you will be laughing too but then when the humor subsides you will stop laughing at this point however Cruz's laugh we'll just be crescendoing and he will be making eye contact with you and you will try to laugh again to join him because you know you're supposed to but it doesn't come out right because it's not natural he will squeeze out a couple of words sometimes between chuckles it's real in this case and then he will stop as suddenly as he started and you will be relieved well I told him squeezing out the last breath of an awkward laugh that's easy for you to say we spent the next week together visiting various Scientology buildings it's no secret that Tom Cruise is a member of the Church of Scientology a religion self-help group called started by the science fiction writer l ron Hubbard but Cruz had never taken a journalist into that world before the more I learned about l ron Hubbard the more I realized that he was the exact same personality type as mr. Ian Ross Jeffries and Tyler Durden they were wickedly smart megalomaniacs who knew how to synthesize great bodies of knowledge and experience into personality driven brands which they sold to people who didn't feel like they were getting what they need it out of life they were obsessive students of the principles that guided human behavior but the ethics of and motivation for their use of those principles made them controversial figures and our last day together Cruz took me on a tour of the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood where I saw a classroom full of students being trained to use emitters devices that measure skin conductance when curious civilians come into the church they are hooked up to the emitters and asked various questions afterward the end of viewer goes over the results with them and tells them why they need to join the Church of Scientology to fix their problems students were paired up in the classroom role-playing the various scenarios that can occur during an interview they had large books spread out in front of them everything the interviewer utters every response to every contingency was contained in those books nothing was left to chance what they were rehearsing I realized was a form of pick up without a rigid structure rehearse the routines and troubleshooting tactics there would be no recruitment one of my main frustrations with Sargen was repeating the same lines over and over I was getting tired asking girls if they thought spells work or if they noticed how their nose is wiggle when they laugh I just wanted to walk into a set and say love me I'm style but after watching the auditors I began to think that perhaps routines weren't training wheels after all they were the bike every form of demagoguery depends on them religion is pick up politics is pick up life is pick up every day we have our routines which we rely on and make people like us or to get what we want or to make someone laugh after the tour crews and I ate lunch in the Celebrity Centre a restaurant he was wearing a dark green crew neck t-shirt that fit his body like a glove over a healthy slab of steak he discussed his values he believed in learning new things doing the work required of him and competing with no one but himself he was strong-willed centered and resolute any turmoil that must be resolved any issue that must be handled was solved first and foremost in a dialogue Tom Cruise and himself I don't really keep counsel with others he said I'm the kind of person who will think about something and if I know it's right I'm not gonna ask anybody I don't go boy what do you think about this I've made every decision for myself in my career in my life Cruz leaned forward in his chair resting his elbows on his lap his head parallel with the surface of the table as he spoke he expressed himself through gesture as subtle as changing the aperture of his eyes the guy was born to sell things movies himself Scientology you whenever I criticize myself or made an excuse for myself he jumped down my throat I'm sorry I said at one point when discussing an article I'd written I don't mean to sound like one of those writer guys why are you apologizing why not be a writer guy then he continued mockingly no you don't want to be one of those guys who's creative and expressive he was right I had thought I was done with gurus but I needed one more Tom Cruise was teaching me more about in the game than mr. e Ross Jeffries Steve P or my father ever had he stood up and slam his fist down on the table hard a mug style why don't you want to be one of those guys be one of those guys man I mean it that's cool okay who says it's cool case closed as we talked I realized that out of all the people I'd met in my lifetime no one had their head screwed on more tightly than Tom Cruise and this was a disturbing thought because nearly every idea of Tom Cruise expressed could be found somewhere in the massive writings of l ron Hubbard I discovered this when Cruz had his personal Scientology liaison bring a heavy red book to the table he opened it to the scientology code of honor and we discussed it point by point set a good example fulfill your obligations never need praise or approval or sympathy don't compromise your own reality when Cruz promised to send me an invitation for the Center's annual Scientology gala I began a worried that this wasn't about an article for Rolling Stone at all it was about getting another con the Scientology if that was true he'd picked the wrong person let me ask you something else about the article you wrote Tom said a lot of that stuff is about trying to control people in law manipulate situations if they took that effort and put it towards something constructive who knows what they could accomplish the end of you ended the article was published and Tom Cruise and I would meet again I would be a different person then but he would be the same he was an emag and he had a mugged me however he hadn't converted me he had his church I had mine my church however still needed to be built Tom Cruise was right all our effort did need to be put towards something constructive now I knew where Project Hollywood our church of the spread legs the epiphany came to me on my birthday some of the PAS threw a party for me at a Hollywood club called Highlands about 300 guests came along with the big boys Ross Jeffries Steve P Grimble despite such heavy hitters working the room I had zero competition because for the night I was the man I was dressed like a dandy man a long black jacket with a single button at the top and a cream shirt would ruffled sleeves exposed that my wrists and I was surrounded by women [ __ ] buddies friends strangers I didn't need routines boyfriend destroyers gimmicks or wings all I needed was a big pocket to hold all the scraps of paper mystery had recently developed another theory of social interaction it basically stated that women are constantly judging a man's value in order to determine if it can help them with their life objectives of survival and replication in the microcosmic world we had created at the highlands that night I had the highest social value in the room in the end I took a petite mischievious stripper named Joanna back to my house while she was on my bag grinding me through my clothes she asked what do you do for a living what I couldn't believe she would ask that but she seemed to need that piece of information in order to explain my status at the party why do you do she asked again and that's when I had the Epiphany sergeant is for losses why got me late on my birthday was not sergeant but lifestyle lifestyle is something that is worn not discussed it is something that screams ladies abandon your mundane unfulfilled lives and step into my exciting world it was time to take this Brotherhood to the next level time to pool our resources and design a lifestyle in which the women came to us it was time for Project Hollywood all mystery had needed was the word go now is the time style he said when he arrived at my apartment let's build the [ __ ] I knew he understand we were greater than the sum of our [ __ ] the first step to making Project Hollywood a reality was to find a mansion with guest rooms a hot tub and a location near the clubs on Sunset next we needed to hand select the best in the community to live with us perhaps I shouldn't have trusted mystery again but his name wasn't gonna be on the lease neither would mine for that matter we'd find a third party to take the responsibility we found that third party living in the few rama hotel his name was papa his grades had kept him out of law school so instead he enrolled in Loyola Marymount to study business the day he moved from Wisconsin he took a taxi to my apartment the three most influential people in my life Papa told us as he sat down on the couch at mr. E's feet have been you too and my father I left him to talk with mr. e while I ran downstairs to a Caribbean food stand to get dinner for everyone when I returned papa was mysteries managed him are you sure you know what you're doing I asked mr. e Papa likes the business and he can feel workshops every weekend mr. e replied so all I have to do is show up it's win-win a pupper insisted he was smarter than I'd given him credit for he was going to become the middleman for the biggest pickup artists in the community and they were all gonna let him because most artists have the same fatal flaw they're too lazy to deal with anything practical themselves there are three places I really like Papa said when we met him one afternoon there's a mansion on Mulholland Drive there's a former Rat Pack crib off Sunset and there's the super mansion which has tennis courts and a built-in nightclub well I'm for the super mansion I told him how much is it fifty thousand a month forget it Papa's face clouded he didn't like the word no the rat-pack crib was on Sunset Boulevard and it was $36,000 cheaper per month than the super mansion the living room looked like a ski lodge there was a fireplace a sunken dance floor a 30-foot high ceiling and a large bar in the corner the space could easily hold a few hundred people for seminars and parties there were two bedrooms off the living room on the ground floor outside each of these rooms was staircase leading up to another bedroom and then there was a small maid's room off the kitchen there were two patios shaded by trees a brick terrace with a pool a Jacuzzi a dining area and a working barbecue beyond lay a landscaped Hill with a path winding up to a small secluded deck from there we could see the glittering lights of Hollywood the place was a chick magnet the first night we all sat in the jacuzzi gazing at the palm trees there were no girls we didn't need any to validate us tonight it was just the boys we had done it Project Hollywood was not just the fantasy anymore we'll make the house famous without public exploits mystery predicted people will drive by and say that was the home of style mystery and Papa and horrible they built the careers here and had parties that were the envy of the world herbal was our fourth roommate he was a tall pale even-tempered 22 year old PUA from Austin who peacock by painting his nails silver and wearing all white clothing like the rest of us he was a reformed geek a few days later Papa moved the fifth roommate playboy into the maid's room playboy was a party promoter from New York he was tall and slender with thick black hair but he had a bad habit wearing long artsy scarves and pants pulled up to his belly button then there was a næss he lived in a tent in the backyard zinnias was a stocky fresh-faced college soccer player from Colorado who said he'd sleep anywhere and do anything at our initial house meeting we laid down the rules no unapproved houseguests for more than a month anyone conducting a seminar in the living room has to give the house fund a 10% kickback and no sergeant women another PUA has brought into the house all these rules would soon be broken I initially enjoyed living with my roommates leaving my introverted writers world and being part of a hold was greater than the sum of its parts when playboy threw our first party 500 people showed up Project Hollywood was already a success and then Tyler Durden arrived I know I didn't make a good impression in LA he shook my hand he even looked me in the eye for a microsecond he wore a trendy black and white shirt with ropes hanging from the ribcage area like a corset it wasn't peak hockey it was the kind of shirt I would have bought Tyler slung his bag over his shoulder and walked up to Papa's room Tyler Durden had never been approved as a resident however Papa had taken it upon himself to invite him converting one of his bathroom closets into an extra bedroom by putting a mattress on the floor we didn't have furniture yet just 50 throw pillows we'd bought to cover the sunken dance floor that night playboy rigged his movie projector to show films on the ceiling and we all lay in a pillow pit and watched carnal knowledge afterward Tyler Durden turned to me your archive has been really influential in my game a lot of my best [ __ ] I took from there it was hard to get out of a conversation with him whenever he wasn't playing the game he was talking about it I've been experimenting with telling people I'm you in the field Tyler said what do you mean I tell them I'm Nils Strauss and that I write for Rolling Stone and does it get results the idea of this pasty little freak running around telling people he was me turned my stomach it depends sometimes they think I'm lying sometimes girls instantly say oh my god we should hang out that weekend Tyler Durden mystery and I went to Las Vegas Papa had booked 10 students for mystery we took them to the Hard Rock Casino when I noticed Tyler Durden Sargen a bachelorette party I inch closer to listen he was talking about mystery see that tall guy in the top hat he needs a lot of attention so he'll say hurtful things to people just to make them like him so humor him because he needs help he was giving away mysteries negs he likes doing magic tricks to get people to accept him he continued so pretend like you're excited he does a lot of children's birthday parties now he was neutralizing mysteries value demonstrating routines after Tyler Durden left the set I asked them what he was doing popper and I have developed a lot of new techniques to blow you and mystery out he said so what do you say about me I asked trying to pretend I wasn't disturbed Tyler Durden started laughing we stayed there style he's actually 45 years old but he looks pretty young to me he's so cute he's like a little Elmer Fudd I stared at him in disbelief he was a mugging his fellow PU ace you can get me Tyler said you can say I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy I choked back my disgusting thought what would Tom Cruise do but I don't want to get you man I replied giving him a big smile here's the difference between you and me I like to surround myself with people who were better than me because I enjoy being challenged you on the other hand like to become the best person in the room by eliminating anyone who's better than you for the rest of the weekend whenever I talked to a person male or female Tyler Durden was hovering behind me soon he would know more about me than I did at the end of the night I saw a two set sitting at the bar in the peacock lounge at all creepy bespectacled brunette and a short blonde tomboy with a white bear a and a thick curvy body that blonde girl's pornstar mystery said her name's faith that she said despite the year and a half I had spent in the community my old AFC self was always threatening the snapback whispering that all this gang talk was just mental masturbation but I pushed myself to enter the set and went into autopilot I opened a jealous girlfriend I gave myself a time constraint I nagged the target about her hoarse voice I did the best friends test c-shape smiles versus u-shape smiles ESP experiment there's so much I couldn't learn from you faith said we love you gushed her creepy friend I'm a nerdy Elmer Fudd spouting [ __ ] tests I made up and these two girls whose collective breasts weigh more than me was staring at me rapt no guy out there had the tools we did I must kill off the inner AFC when will he die i signaled to mystery to wing the obstacle as he sat next to the creepy girl I went back on autopilot evolution phase shift smell pull hair by Tom bite neck how do you rate yourself as a kisser on a scale of one to ten suddenly faith jumped out of a seat I'm getting too turned on I have to leave I couldn't figure out if she was just giving me an excuse because I had made a mistake at some point or if I was really that good I approached the nearby set to hippie girls ten minutes into our conversation however faithful turn to grab my hand and said let's go to the bathroom and she unbutton my pants she said you so turned me on intellectually and sexually I know I told her how I felt that connection all night even when I was talking to those other two girls I saw you looking at me she kneeled on the floor circled her hands around my limp father of thousands and lowered her mouth over it but get hard I stood up and pushed her roughly against the wall I so called my hands around her throat and made out with her as I had seen sin do to women in his house when I was still an AFC she arched her back fluttered her eyelids moaned and went down on me again I want you to [ __ ] in my mouth I still couldn't get hard this has never happened to me before I mean I'm harder right now as I'm remembering this I want to be inside you I told her in a last-ditch effort to get my blood flowing to the right place I pulled a condom out of my pocket and thought about every beautiful woman I had approached that night as soon as I was part way inside uh I went soft again when we walked out of the bathroom half the workshop students was standing there celebrating a feat that hadn't actually happened on the last night of the Las Vegas workshop Tyler Durden picked up a hostess named Stacey at the Hard Rock Cafe she was a vampirish blonde who listened to new metal I was wearing a ridiculous snakeskin suit mister II was dressed in a top hat flight goggles and a black t-shirt with a red digital sign that said mystery on it even for Vegas he looked like a freak within minutes Tyler Durden was a mugging him to Stacey he wished those weird signs and people laugh at him I always tell him he doesn't need to do that for people to accept him the students fan round the room to talk to women as I leaned against the bar and watched them after a while Stacey sidled up next to me as we talked she held eye contact she played with her hair she looked for excuses to touch my arm all the IO eyes were there I knew it was wrong she was Tyler Durden girl but if Tyler Durden was gonna tell girls I was Elmer Fudd then Elmer Fudd was gonna hunt his rabbits would she like to kiss me she would we did then a shock of orangey blond hair appeared in the periphery of my vision come with me and Tyler Durden said grabbing her arm I started to apologize what I had done was wrong Tyler Durden however would never forgive me for making out with his target my father died when I was 40 and I couldn't find a way to cry not because I didn't love him not because he didn't try I cried for every lesser thing whiskey pain and beauty but he deserved the better tear and I was not quite ready mr. II was lying in a pillow pit his computer on his chest playing the Randall life over and over my dad died he had another stroke and then he died at 10 a.m. today I sat down next to him and listen to him talk it's like when Johnny Cash died you knew it was gonna happen but it was still a shock mr. e had hated his dad and wished death on him countless times but now that it had happened he didn't know how to feel he seemed confused that he felt a little sad despite himself the only times we have a bond when a hot woman came on TV then he'd look at me and I'd look at him and we'd quietly appreciate it together a few days later we hosted the first annual pickup artist summit at our house PUA s from around the world flew in to speak for my presentation I brought in five of the girls I was dating I ran routines on them and then use them as a panel of experts to critique the clothing and body language of various wannabe players in the audience I received a standing ovation afterwards i sat on our newly purchased blood red couches surrounded by Papa Tyler Durden and a few of the students it's so genius Papa was saying Tyler Durden has broken down everything style does to a science he calls its style mugging what's that one of the students asked it's a type of frame control Tyler Durden replied a frame is the perspective through which one sees the world whoever's frame as the strongest tends to dominate an interaction style makes sure that the focus is always on him I'm writing a post about it that's awesome I said Papa Tyler Durden and the students laughed that's one of the things you do upset Tyler's writing about that what I just said awesome I think it's hilarious seriously I can't wait to read it they all laughed again evidently I was style mugging them see Tyler Durden said you use your curiosity is a frame to get rapport and make the other person lose social value when you show approval like that it makes you the authority and makes other people want to seek your validation we're teaching that [ __ ] I replied now every time I say something people are gonna think I'm running a real social dynamics routine they all laughed again and that's when I realized that I was [ __ ] what Tyler Durden was writing about was all part of me who I really was he was gonna take my soul and spread it all over the Sunset Strip and there was nothing I could do about it in the meantime every single rule we had laid down at the house meeting requiring approval of guests giving the house a percentage of seminar money not hitting on other pu a's women was ignored we had no idea how many students Sarge's and instructors papa was packing into his room they scurried around the house like peacock rats I needed to get out of there fortunately Rolling Stone wanted me to tackle another tough subject her name was Courtney Love the interview was scheduled to take place for one hour at the Virgin Records office in New York Courtney was at the peak of her infamy at that time that week she bared her breasts to David Letterman network TV and been arrested for allegedly hitting a fan in the head with a microphone stand during a concert on top of all that she was facing drug charges and had recently lost custody of a daughter the Rolling Stone story was the first interview she had agreed to do since all the trouble went down when I met her she was wearing a black dress with a sash draped tastefully around a torso the lips were painted red and full Courtney looked good pale in statuesque soon however the sash was dangling behind her like a tail and the lipstick was smeared it seemed like a metaphor for her life constantly unravelling if you guys are waiting for me to die you're gonna have to wait a long time my grandmother didn't die until she was a hundred and two this is why PU is called a [ __ ] shield it was nothing personal just a protective mechanism I still have nightmares about my grandmother I told her because the last time I had a chance to see her we had plans to go to the Art Institute in Chicago and I blew her off because I wanted to sleep late we fluffed for a while about our families she didn't like her as very much as the interview continued I hit the hook points she looked up at me and the walls came down a face flushed and tears started dripping I need to be saved you need to save me now we had rapport rapport equals trust plus comfort this one's for the gallbladder Courtney Love said as she slammed an acupuncture needle into my leg look shouldn't this be done by a licensed professional I've been doing this since I was young but you're the first person I've done it to in a while she wiggled the needle around tell me when you feel it there an electric shock okay enough my scheduled one-hour interview with Courtney Love had turned into a surreal slumber party outside of food runs I didn't leave her Chinatown law for 72 hours it was 5,000 square feet with nothing in it but a bed a television and a couch dressed down and a t-shirt and sweatpants she was in hiding from the paparazzi from her manager from the government from the bank from a man from herself I was stripped down in my boxes on her couch with a dozen needles sticking out of me overtime the floor around her bed grew dense with crumbs cigarette butts food wrappers needles and root beer bottles meanwhile the color of the fingers and toes changed from flesh to blacken - she put Boogie Nights in her DVD player then climbed onto the bed and threw a stain blanket over herself I always asked the guy on what's your biggest fear she said the video director I'm currently obsessed with said failure and I'm living mine its loss of power the video director wasn't returning our calls if you want to get him I said read the art of seduction by Robert Greene it'll give you some strategy she stubbed her cigarette out on the floor I need all the help I can get how do you know about that book I spent the last year and a half hanging out with the world's greatest pickup artists she set up in her bed tell me tell me tell me she listened wrapped as I told her about Project Hollywood I want to meet them she said excitedly do you think there was good as Warren Beatty I don't know I never met him Courtney climbed out of bed and rubbed patchouli oil around the needles in my feet legs and chest let me tell you he smooth he once called me and said hey it's me as if I should have known who it was then he tried to convince me to come over to his house that night when I finally said yes he laughed and said he was in Paris it's a total mind [ __ ] he'll blow his nose and then hand the dirty tissue to his date it was an egg Warren Beatty nagged women I don't know what this directors problem is corny was saying I have a magic [ __ ] if you [ __ ] me you become a king I'm a kingmaker she began pulling the needles out of my body relief you have to get one in your head it's the best feeling fumbling around the floor she grabbed a dirty needle no thanks I've had enough for today she dropped the needle back on the floor I bet you I can get this director back I doubt you can if he's not returning your calls he's not interested he even denied he slept with me in the post but I like a challenge when it came time for me to catch my plane Courtney kissed me goodbye I just need to be [ __ ] she said as I waited for the elevator I just need a bossy guy to come here and [ __ ] me I knew I could have been that guy the IAO eyes were there but there's a pu a's code of honor there's a gambler's code of honor and there's a journalist's code of honor and having sex with her would have been violating all three running pickup had made me a much better interviewer I discovered just how good when I was assigned an interview with Britney Spears was there a lot of pressure on you while you were making this album Wow now was there a lot of pressure from yourself all the label to have a major hit this time around I have no idea you have no idea I have no idea this was going nowhere I looked at her crossing her legs and fidgeting on the hotel room couch next to me she didn't give a [ __ ] I was just an amount of time blocked off on a calendar and she was tolerating it poorly her hair was tucked under a white Kangol hat and her thighs pushed at the seams of her faded blue jeans she was one of the most desired women in the world but in person she looked like a corn-fed southern sorority girl she had a beautiful face lightly and perfectly touched with makeup but there was something masculine about her as a sexual icon she was unintimidating and I imagined lonely the gears slammed down in my head there was only one way to save this interview I had to Sajha I folded my list of questions and put them in my back pocket I'll tell you something about yourself that other people probably don't know people sometimes see you as shy a [ __ ] offstage even though you aren't totally she said do you want to know why yeah I was creating what's called a yes ladder capturing her attention by asking questions that require an obvious affirmative answer I'm watching your eyes when you talk and every time you think he go down to the left that means you're a kinesthetic person you're someone who lives in her feelings oh my god she said that's totally true of course it was it was one of the value demonstrating routines I developed the eye goes to one of seven different positions when someone thinks each position means the person is accessing a different part of their brain as I taught her how to read different types of eye movement her legs uncrossed and she leaned into me the game was on I didn't know this who told you this it's something I observed from doing lots of interviews I answered in fact by watching the direction people's eyes move when they speak you can tell whether they're telling the truth or not so you're going to know if I'm lying she was looking at me entirely differently now I need to do psychology classes you could meet somebody or be out on a date and be like and then lying to me right now oh my gosh it was time to pull out the heavy artillery I'll show you something really cool and then we'll get back to the interview I said throwing in a time constraint for good measure I'm gonna try to guess something that's in your thoughts then I used a simple psychological gambit to guess the initials of an old friend she had an emotional connection to the initials were GC I got one letter out of two correct but it was good enough for her I can't believe you did that I probably have so many walls in front so that's why you didn't get both of them let's try it one more time this time why don't you try it I'm scared she put her knuckle in her mouth I can't do that she was no longer Britney Spears she was just the one set a lone target what make it easier I said I'm gonna write down a number and it's a number between one and ten what I want you to do is not to think at all just really listen to your feelings I wrote a number on a piece of paper and hand it to a facedown what if it's wrong this was what we called in the field and lse girl she had low self-esteem what do you think it is 7 now turn over the paper she slowly turned it over as if she were afraid to look then moved it up to eye level and saw a big number 7 staring right back at her she screamed leapt off the couch and ran to the hotel mirror her mouth hung a gate but she looked her reflection in the eye oh my god I did that well I did that she was like a little girl seeing Britney Spears for the first time she was her own fan see I told her you already know the answers inside but it's just Society trains you to think too much I really believe that cool interview she exclaimed I like this interview this has been the best interview of my life for the next 15 minutes we talked about spirituality and writing and our lives she was just a lost little girl searching for something real to hold on to something deeper than pop fame and the sick of fancy of her handlers I had demonstrated value and now we were moving out of the rapport phase of seduction rapport equals trust plus comfort however I had a job to do I started the tape recorder and asked the question I'd given her at the start of the interview plus all the other questions I had this time she gave me real answers answers I could print you know Britney said everything happens for a reason I truly believe that I told her I do too she touched my shoulder I'd like to exchange numbers Britney left the room to change for an MTV interview she returned 10 minutes later with a publicist she sat down in front of the cameras and the interview began so you had a crazy time out the other night the end of you were asked yeah I did Britney answered what was the energy level like in the club when you walked in and surprised everyone oh it was just crazy and how much fun did you have suddenly Britney stood up this isn't working I'm not feeling this she pivoted on her heels and walked out towards the door leaving the crew and her assistant befuddled and she passed me the corners of her mouth turned upwards forming a conspiratorial smile the game I realized works better on celebrities than ordinary people because stars are so sheltered and their interactions limited a demonstration of value or the right neg holds ten times the power I had no illusions Britney Spears was not attracted to me but I had interested her and interest plus attraction plus seduction equals sex of course maybe this was all just self-hypnosis for all I knew she exchanged phone numbers with every to make him feel special maybe I was the one being Sarge I would never know the truth I stood that number every day but I couldn't bring myself to dial it if it had been darling Curtis the Playmate of the Year I would have called her back in a second I had no fear of women like that anymore but Britney Spears it took just one woman to bring Project Hollywood down by all appearances Katya was a standard-issue party girl she liked to drink dance have sex and get high not necessarily in that order but Katya perhaps out of innocence perhaps out of revenge perhaps out of true love without game every PUA in the house Katya was just one of several numbers mystery had collected while demonstrating his game when he called she agreed to come over courier arrived wearing a pink sweat suit and dragging along a scrappy little Terrier named Lily both Katya and Lily instantly made themselves at home the former collapsed into the pillow pit and the latter took a [ __ ] on the carpet I'm gonna show you some movies I made mr. e told no worries no troubles Cathy replied in an upbeat Russian accent she had a button nose that wiggled and blonde hair that bounced to maximize her cuteness mystery dim the lights three days later they closed the deal I'm moving out of my apartment Cathy at old mystery so is this okay if Lily stays here while I go to Las Vegas this weekend while she was gone we all grew attached to the cheery dog and by extension to its owner they were both bouncy and energetic and like flicking Mysteries face when Katya returned mr. e said it's ridiculous for you to rent a new apartment why don't you just move into my room Katya quickly wove herself into the fabric of the house she volunteered to be a pivot for Papa's workshops she put eyeliner on her bowl before he went out for the night she cleaned the kitchen she was giving the house its first rays of warmth since the night we'd sat in the jacuzzi dreaming of the future together I liked her we all liked her mystery was particularly happy I actually have a crush on my home girlfriend he said one evening I need to take care of this girl later as her we'll cook steak on the barbecue Katya and I sat in the jacuzzi sharing a bottle of wine I'm really scared she said why I asked though I really knew why I'm starting to fall in love with mystery a few days later mystery and Katya and I flew to Las Vegas we had dinner at mr. Lucky's where Katya put away two glasses of champagne then crossed the Paradise Club a strip club where she put away two more glasses when the waitress came to the table Katya commented to mystery she's really hot the waitress was a perky latina with a densely packed body that threatened to burst through a clothing soon she was stopping by our table every few minutes to fill it with mystery I would love to see that girl mystery told Katya eating you out you just want to [ __ ] her Katya stormed out at a club like an angry child mystery still wasn't getting his threesomes he made the same mistake every time he needed to make the experience her fantasy out his when I woke up I took a plane home leaving the two of them alone in the hotel room a few hours later I received a phone call hey it's Katya something wrong no mystery wants to marry me he got down on his knees at the Hard Rock pool and proposed everyone applauded it was so sweet what should I do don't rush into anything I advise just get engaged then see if this is something you both really want to do mister grab the phone hey man I love this girl she's crazy we're on our way to a chapel okay bye the guy was an idiot that evening mystery carrot Katya over the threshold of Project Hollywood humming here comes the bride they known each other for three weeks look at my ring Katya coud isn't it beautiful our rings cost $8,000 mystery said while Katya was in the bathroom she loves me now she gets off calling me her husband it's like time distortion dude it's the worst routine ever I replied because you can only do it once mr. e took a step toward me I'm gonna tell you a secret we're not really married we decided to fake it so I bought two rings for a hundred bucks she totally fooled you you're both great illusionists don't tell Katya I told you she's willing joined the role-playing on an emotional level it seems really being married for her he was right perception is reality in the days that followed that an entire relationship changed mr. e didn't go out anymore to him clubs were for sergeant the Katya though they were for dancing so she started going clubbing without him after a while mr. e hardly left the room it wasn't long before they began to resent each other he'd say she gets drunk every night striving me crazy she'd say when I met him he had all these plans and ambitions now he never leaves his bed what's the point mr. e had taught himself everything that was to know about pickup but nothing about how to maintain a relationship he had this beautiful creature full of sparkling life and he was just throwing it away soon another one with a very different kind of Sparkle with moving the project Hollywood I received a text message at 11:39 p.m. can I stay your house they repo'd the car and worse you don't want to know it was Courtney Love I knocked on the door of Courtney's apartment she sat on the floor in the middle of a sea of American Express bills and bank statements with a yellow highlighter in her hand there are so many loans here that I never knew of or approved she stood up if I stay here I'll do drugs again that's fine herbal said you can sleep in his room I walked it downstairs and strapped her 60 pound suitcase to the luggage rack on the back of my Corvette you should know that Carla's brother is staying with us I said and if he seems a little off it's because he has Tourette's is that like when you yell [ __ ] uncontrollably yeah it's sort of like that I parked in the garage and drag the suitcase upstairs to the house the first person we saw was horrible who was coming out of the kitchen hi [ __ ] Cooney said to him no I told her that's not kadhi his brother her brother walked out of the kitchen a moment later sipping a coke hi [ __ ] balls Courtney said to him she took a step backwards and stepped on Lilly who yelled loudly Courtney turned around I assumed she was going to apologize [ __ ] off she told the dog this was gonna be an interesting couple of days next morning I came down to find her in the living room wearing nothing but a pair of silk panties her body was covered with black marks as if she'd been rolling around in charcoal in that state of disappear she met Korea I just took a pregnancy test Katya told her puckering her lips into a childish expression of self-pity it came out positive you should have a baby Courtney said it's the most beautiful thing in the world mr. e kneeled in front of Korea and kissed her belly if you want to keep the baby I will support your decision it would be a beautiful baby I can't even believe you think of keeping the baby Katya replied you're acting like we're married I love you mr. e said without emotion Katya and mr. e went to an abortion clinic three days later guess what Katya squealed when she returned I'm not pregnant mr. e stood behind her giving her the finger the look at his face was pure hatred a few hours later I found Katya at the bar pouring herself a glass of chardonnay then another then another well you really have been working out your arms look good she squeezed my biceps you're the only person in the house I can talk to look at this she was lifting her top up now I got a scratch that's nice here feel it she took my hand and pulled it towards her breasts well it's been fun talking but I have to go to my room and floss my cat now but you don't have a cat I circled around on the back of the house and ended mr. E's room to the patio dude your wife is hitting on me I don't care well at least she's not pregnant yeah she's a brainless alcoholic when I left mr. E's room Katya was no longer in the living room Papa's door was open and she was cuddled next to him on his bed with the top off I retreated to my room and waited an hour later the storm came voices yelled doors slammed the glass smashed it was a knock on my door it was Courtney are you roommates always this loud she was one to talk the noise coming from mr. E's room grew louder let's see what's going on she said I didn't want to be involved this wasn't my [ __ ] responsibility and mr. E's bathroom Katya was kneeling on the floor with her hands clasped around her neck her brother was leaning over her holding an asthma inhaler mr. e stood a few feet away should I call an ambulance I asked della Resta because she has drugs in her system he said contemptuously Katya looked up and glared at him she clearly wasn't dying Kentucky bite a hand and led it to the sofa in the living room she told her about the abortion she had been through and about the beauty of childbirth Courtney was both project Hollywood's child and its mother the next morning a driver arrived at the house where's Courtney sleeping I said she's got a court date in an hour he knocked on a door and locked inside shortly afterwards a slew of dresses came tumbling out followed by their owner I need to find something to wear she said as she slipped on various outfits running in and out of the bathroom to check them in the mirror eventually she left in a strapless black cocktail dress of Cathy's herbals $8.00 sunglasses and Robert greens the 48 laws of power tucked under her arm it's a silly dress because it's a silly case she told court reporters that day while she was gone we inspected the damage there was cigarette burns in her pulls bedspread slicks of unidentifiable liquid on the floor candles still burning and clothing flung over every light fixture when Courtney turned from court she sat with the houses cabal of pickup artists and planned her appearance that evening on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno mystery and herb all taught her about concepts like social proof and framing she needed to be reframed the current frame everyone saw her through was that of a crazy woman but having lived with her for two weeks we knew she was just going through a bad period she was eccentric but not crazy in fact she was incredibly smart so my new frame then is that I'm a damsel in distress she said that evening she's shown on the show unlike during her tabloid headline making Letterman appearance she was composed and well behaved on camera and a performance with her all-female band the Chelsea was a reminder that she wasn't just the celebrity she was a rock star it was bound to happen Korea eventually reached someone in the house it was her below altum Utley cracked he liked to listen he was modest and understated after watching Katya suffered through Mysteries manipulations and neglect he even began to believe that he was more worthy of her getting harder and harder to say no he told me just ask mr. e he's probably over her by now so trouble asked mr. e the answer was no but that evening after fighting with Katya again mr. e found hirable in the living room were broken up she's all yours they were words he would soon regret since Kourtney was sleeping in his bed mobile [ __ ] Katya and Playboy's room off the kitchen when mr. e returned home that night he went to the kitchen for a sprite that was when he heard them Katya seemed to be enjoying it loudly mr. e walked into the living room and collapsed on the floor like his father's death and affected him more than he could have predicted I love it he said the first tear trickled down his cheek I love that girl no you don't you said the other day that you hated her thoughts I've been holding back for weeks came pouring out of me all you like about her is her body the only reason you're upset is because you feel rejected no I'm pissed to her for not loving me back she sat with me one night talking about how scared she was to let go and really love you and as soon as she did she became a cold shutdown miserable bastard in the morning I checked our mystery he was sitting on his bed in his robe shaking and convulsing I never seen him like this before when he was depressed in Toronto he'd simply shut down I want to kill her he rolled onto his back and moaned like a dying dog Courtenay poked her head in the door is it about me I can sleep in the front room if you want she could be so sweet I called mystery system Martina he's starting to crash again well if he gets any worse I'll get him a ticket back to Toronto and so it came to pass that mystery started talking about killing himself and I put him in my car and took him to the Hollywood mental health center and he tried to run away twice and he wanted a hit on the therapist but couldn't 6 hours later he left the clinic with a package of Seroquel pills I'd never heard of Seroquel before so I looked at the pamphlet that came with it for the treatment of schizophrenia it read it was lemonade day at Project Hollywood at least that's what Courtney Love had decided mystery was recovering Katya was in New Orleans and there were good vibes to be spread Courtney grabbed a giant mixing bowl snatching two half gallon cartons of lemonade and a quart of orange juice she emptied them into the mixing bowl and when that overflowed several pots then she grabbed a handful of ice cubes from the freezer and dropped them into her brew finally she plunged her black chard fingers into each vessel and stirred one by one she dipped glasses into the bowl and filled them then she grabbed any clean coffee mug she could find and a Pyrex measuring cup and sloshed lemonade in all of them in the living room mr. e sat cross-legged on a couch leading his first pickup seminar since returning from the Mental Health Center three weeks earlier there are three phases to a relationship he told his students there's a beginning a middle and an end and I'm going through the end right now I'm not going to lie to you I've cried three times in the last week his six students glanced at each other they were there to learn to get laid suddenly Courtney came careering out of the kitchen who watched lemonade students looked at her dumbstruck here you go she said forcing a glass on mystery wears hirable I think showering Courtney - to the bathroom and kicked the door hirable are you there what's going on herbal stood there naked is the house on fire I made this for you Courtney thrust the mug of lemonade in each of his wet hands and dashed away herbal stood there silently ever since he'd promised to stop talking Acharya he'd been drifting through the house in a forlorn cloud of silence though he was too proud to admit it his heart ached I left the house for an hour to get some groceries only an hour and when I returned there was a red Porsche spewing smoke in the driveway and two pissed-off bleach-blonde smoking on a patio I wanted to introduce myself I'm Sam said a slightly tomboy girl I play drums we've met before - sneered the other girl she was two inches taller than me her head was pushed straight back over a head like a horse's mane and her large brown eyes were framed with thick black mascara that reminded me of masturbating as a teenager - Susanna Hoffs in the bangles video for walk like an Egyptian this girl was the epitome of rock and roll yeah I stammered I saw you briefly at the Tonight Show I couldn't imagine having forgotten a good posture is one of the things I find most attractive about a woman and this girl's past just screamed confidence it also screamed don't [ __ ] with me the girls were visiting because Courtney had planned a taper and acoustic performance at our house but Courtney was nowhere to be found i sat down to pacify her bandmates I felt so small next to them I picked up a CD case that bill long to Lisa and thumb through the disks I was impressed she had music by cesaria evora a diva from the Cape Verde Islands her mournful songs backed by a lilting Latin rhythm perhaps the best makeout music on the planet as soon as I saw that CD I knew I'd met someone I wanted to get to know better somewhere in the back of my mind I dimly recalled what enabled me to interact with women before I discovered the seduction industry commonalities simply finding out that you have a passion for something another person also likes and respects is enough to fire that strange emotion we call chemistry scientists claim that when two people discover they have things in common pheromones are released an attraction begins moments later mystery join us I called Katya today he said and we talked for awhile I still love that girl you looked at Sam and Lisa do they know about the drama with Katya the girls rolled their eyes they had their own drama to deal with well I excused myself I'm gonna grab a burrito nice meeting you again I had to get away from there I didn't want to be associated with the madness even if I was part of it I walked down the hill to poquito mas where I found extra masks sitting at a table outside reading a book as thick as his skull it was the first time I'd seen him alone in months ever since meeting him at mr. E's first workshop I felt like he was my younger brother in this whole endeavor though since joining the real social dynamics crew he'd been more like an estranged sibling what are you reading I asked I am that by sri nisargadatta maharaj he said Wow impressive I didn't know what else to say I wasn't particularly familiar with Indian Vedanta writing yeah I'm starting to realize there's more to life than just girls all this stuff he gestured up the hill to project Hollywood means nothing everything means nothing I have expected him to first outing laughter and start talking about his penis like the old days so you're overcharging and I asked ya I'm moving out are you heading back to your parents house or getting your own place neither I'm going to India that's amazing I want to figure out who I am there's an ashram nishan I and I want to stay there well man good luck I awoke that night to see Courtney standing at the foot of my bed with the Prada shoe in her hand let's sweep that great this will be our hammer I looked at the clock it was 2:20 a.m. do you have any nails attacks without waiting for an answer she ran downstairs and returned with a box of nails a painting for my wall a throw pillow for my bed and a smashed pink box that look like an old Valentine's Day present this is the heart-shaped box she said I want you to have it she picked up my guitar and played my favorite country song long black veil I'm going to a friend's birthday party tomorrow night at Forbidden City she said dropping the guitar on the floor I want you to come too I'll tell you what I'll meet you there I knew how long she could take to get ready okay I'll go with Lisa speaking of Lisa I said there were a bunch of people waiting for you here today and you were nowhere to be found I think they were pretty upset a face clouded the lips puckered and tears drip from her eyes I'm gonna get help I promise I wore a white blazer over a black shirt and blazoned with a scrolling Bank of Lights that could be programmed with a message I input the words kill me I hadn't been out sergeant in at least a month and wanted the attention my expectations of Courtney showing up to Forbidden City were low so I bought her below long as a wing within half an hour we surrounded by women felt good to flex our skills again as a tall girl who claimed to be a model port at my shirt I so remain of bleached blond hair sticking up out of the crowd I look closer her jaw was set her face was chiseled her ice molded beneath a half shell of heavy blue eyeshadow it was Lisa I excused myself and ran where's Courtney she was taking too long to get ready I respect a person who isn't afraid to show up at a party alone I am the party she said without blinking or smiling the entire night Lisa and I sat side by side the most peacott couple in the room the party seemed to come to us as if we exerted some sort of gravitational pull together we were king and queen and everyone else were as a plaything when the party broke up Lisa put her arm around me and asked will you take me home I'm too drunk to drive my heart slammed and then settled into a fast a rhythmic throb without waiting for a response she dropped the keys of a Mercedes into my hand I called the Hubble and asked him to drive my car home I can't believe it I told him it's on but it wasn't on I drove Lisa back through a place she went to the bathroom I lay down on the bed and tried to look relaxed Lisa Pat it out of the bathroom look at me don't think anything's gonna happen between us damn it I'm style you have to love me she changed and we drove to my house to look for Courtney all we found there however was Tyler Durden leading 10 men in the living room through some sort of exercise that involves running around the couches yelling loudly and giving each other high-fives I took Lisa up to my room lit some candles put cesaria evora in the CD player went to my closet let's have some fun I pulled out a garbage bag full of old Halloween costumes masks wigs hats we tried them all on we took a photo smiling than serious but a third photo the romantic pose we gazed at each other her eyes seemed so happy behind that tough exterior was vulnerability and tenderness I held her eye contact and moved towards her for a kiss I'm not kissing you she barked the words scalded my face like hot coffee there was no girl I couldn't kiss within half an hour of meeting her what was her problem I blew out the candles stop the music turned on the lights and checked my email she climbed onto my bed and went to sleep finally I joined her and we slept on opposite sides of the bed I still had one trick left going caveman in the morning without a word I started massaging a leg working my hands slowly up a thigh if I could just turn around physically illogic would disengage and she would no doubt submit my intention wasn't to use Lisa for sex I just wanted to get the whole sex thing over so we could be normal together but as I began to rub the warm crease where her thigh meets her pelvis her voice rang shrill in the air like an alarm clock what are you doing she smacked my hand away we had breakfast together and lunch and dinner we talked about my writing and her music and our lives she was my age she said something intelligent every time she opened her mouth she laughed at my jokes that were funny and made fun of the ones that weren't she spent another night with me nothing happened I hadn't met my match after breakfast I stood on the front stoop and watch Lisa leave she climbed into her Mercedes and pulled away I turned around to climb the stairs I didn't want a glance back I wanted to look cool and not give her anymore iö eyes hey come here she yelled I shook my head no she was ruining my exit no seriously come here it's important my side and walked back down to the car I'm really sorry she said but I think I might have accidentally dented gee a limo when I was pulling out my body went cold it was our newest the most expensive possession just kidding she said stepping on an accelerator and leaving me in the dust for the first time since I'd learnt the word one itis I had it and I knew that I was doomed the next night Lisa left town to play a festival in Atlanta with Courtney she called while she was gone you free for dinner when I get back I don't know I told her it depends on whether you can behave yourself or not fine she said if you're gonna be like that I was just trying to tease her and in doing so I had destroyed the moment it was time to be straightforward I want to see you when you get back I'm leaving town for two weeks so it'll be our last chance to hang out in the background I could hear Sam speaking you're talking to him like he's your boyfriend maybe I want to be my boyfriend Lisa said to her I couldn't wait for her to come back I wanted her to be my girlfriend too I spent the entire day at least has returned plotting the perfect seduction I would pick her up from the airport in the limo Herbal would drive and I would wait for her in the backseat then I'd take it to the whiskey bar at the Sunset Marquis Hotel walking distance from Project Hollywood her flight was scheduled to arrive at 6:30 p.m. as Hubble drove the limo past the Delta terminal I mixed Cosmopolitan's at the bar in the back of the car when the flight arrived however she was an I I was confused but not disappointed yet Roble drove me home and I left a message for Lisa when she didn't call back I left another message and then waited all night in vain to hear from her at five o'clock that morning I was awakened by my cell phone ringing sorry to wake you up but I need to talk to someone the voice on the other end was a man's the accident was Australian it was sweater I tried to kill myself today he said what happened my wife is expecting our first baby in 10 days she's driven me away from my friends my business partner is leaving me she spends all my money and all she does is complain and now that she's having this baby I'm trapped but you were in love with her how could she just change no the problem is that I changed it was too hard to be that person who mystery taught us to be that person wasn't a good guy and I like doing nice things for people so I taught her whatever she wanted I sent her flowers three times a week but it didn't work sweater had pretended to be someone he wasn't just to seduce a woman and now he was suffering the consequences when I first got into the community I'll write down everything that I wanted he said and now I have the money the big house and the beautiful girl but I never wrote that she had to treat me with respect and kindness later that morning couldn't return to the house did the rest of the band get back from Atlanta yet I asked trying to sound casual yeah they came home on an earlier flight I turned away quickly I knew if I said anything in response my voice tre my disappointment Courtley through a bundle of sage on the coffee table let's clear the air in here she said and she skipped off to the kitchen explaining we need some rice for good fortune unable to locate any rice she returned with the package of jambalaya mix and a ball of water she poured the jambalaya mix into the water planted the sage in the middle of it and then ran to her room she emerged carrying a blue and white checkered shirt this won't work she said it's one of Curt's I only have three of them left she carefully arranged the shirt underneath the table so that it could bring good energy to the house after lighting the sage she sat mystery herbal and me down next to her makeshift altar and we joined hands her grip was bone crushing thank you God for this day and all that you have given us she prayed please bring peace and harmony and friendship under this roof no more tears and help me win my court case in New York and help clear up all my other problems I will work with you god I really will give me strength amen amen we repeated the next day a driver came and whisk point me to the airport to go to New York there her prayers for herself would eventually be answered but the atmosphere in the house would only grow darker mystery and hirable sat facing each other on opposite couches their arms folded across their chests the other permanent residence Papas na s playboy and me sat on a third couch we had called a meeting to resolve the dispute between mystery and hirable once and for all we allowed each to present his side of the story without interruption mr. e said he would not allow his ex-girlfriend to set foot in the house again and Irbil said he would move out if his girlfriend couldn't come over after three hours of go-nowhere debate during which papa oddly didn't speak once we asked mr. e and hirable to give us some privacy to come to a decision that was when Papa spoke for the first time I will not live in the same house as that guy who I asked mr. e papa's hands trembled disrupts my workshops I'm worried he's gonna harm me what are you talking about he wouldn't do anything to you but the more we talked about it the more complex that thalamus seemed Papa wouldn't live in the house with mystery mystery wouldn't live in a house with Katya and her bull wouldn't live in the house without Katya someone had to go all the problems in the house can be traced back to one source playboy said firmly and that source is mystery I looked at xerneas the you agree with playboy and papa I do he said we called mystery and hirable into the room to give them our decision herbal I began Korea will not be allowed in the house the two months after that if you're still dating her she may return robell nodded mystery you have two months to get over Katya in addition there will be a zero tolerance policy for violence in this house if you attack anyone or damaged property you will be asked to leave immediately mr. e didn't not so basically he's saying you want me out and that [ __ ] gets to replace me no I said we're giving you two months you're a financial mental and emotional mess and you have no one to blame but yourself mr. e dropped his head into his hands his shoulders started shaking I'm a broken man I'm broken what should i do tell me what to do tears began leaking out of my eyes after two years in the seduction community I still didn't have a girlfriend but for some reason I had bonded with this big blubbering genius you need therapy I said you can't just keep doing this to yourself I had a headache it had been a long day as I started down the hills to grab a burrito a black Mercedes convertible whipped around the corner inside with two blondes the car screeched to a halt and the voice yelled my name it was Lisa she wore a red diesel jacket that made it look like a cross between a supermodel and a racecar driver I was unshaven wearing sweatpants I felt so many emotions at once embarrassment excitement resentment fear joy we're going to get a drink do you want to join us what are you doing here I try to appear on face by a sudden reappearance going through the whiskey bar didn't you just pass it yeah I came by to ask you to go with this do you have a problem with that a touch of attitude I still like to let me change and I'll meet you there I slipped on a pair of Levi's red jeans and a Military College button-down shirt and ran down the hill to join them but when I arrived Lisa and Sam were at a table with two heavily tattooed rockers i sat between them dwarfed by ink and hair guy an overwhelming anxiety took hold of my body I didn't want to make small talk I wanted to be alone with Lisa I jumped up I'll be right back I needed to Sarge not because I wanted to pick up women but because I wanted to get into a positive state as I ordered a drink at the bar I turned around to see two women in black evening dresses hey guys let me get your opinion on something let me guess one of them said you have a friend whose girlfriend is jealous because he still talks to his ex from college I grabbed my jacket and coke shuffled out to the smoking patio to a to set sitting on a bench Hey I said how long have you guys known each other about 10 years one of the girls said I could tell I have to give you guys the best friends test oh we know that one already she said politely it had finally happened the Sunset Strip was Sarge doubt I walked back to Lisa and her friends I'm wiped out I'm gonna head home but I'm driving to Malibu tomorrow to surf you and Sam should join me Lisa looked up at me and for three extraordinary seconds the rest of the club disappeared yeah all right she said before we left at a beach I showed samalisha the photos I had taken the night we played dress up with the wigs look at that Sam said when she saw the photo of Lisa and me staring into each other's eyes just before we didn't kiss I've never seen Lisa look so happy yeah Lisa said her lips spreading into a toothy smile I guess you're right when I surfed in the past I usually hung out close to the shore writing the smaller waves but after helping Sam and Lisa get comfortable on their boards I paddled out with the expert surface to try and catch a big wave as a wall of blue grew in my peripheral vision my body tensed I wondered if I could handle away this big and grab my board with a crack like peeling thunder and I left to my feet the blue stretched that far overhead I cut through the open face all the way to the top of the wave and maneuvered to shore I felt ecstatic I didn't think I had the knowledge and the skill to take a wave like that but the first time since junior high I felt like writing poetry when we returned home I pulled Lisa aside I'd like to take you out for sushi and Saturday it was so a fc of me she hesitated for a moment as if she were deciding the best way to let me down easy then finally she spoke ok I guess you guess no it's just that never mind yeah I'd love to go I was wondering when you were finally going to I asked that's better I'll pick you up at 8:00 I took Lisa to a Japanese restaurant called katana it was one of the toughest dinners of my life we'd spent so much time together already that I literally had no more material left I was forced to be myself there's something I've been meaning to ask you I said is sake warmed our stomachs what happened to you after Atlanta we had plans and you broke them you were rude on the phone she said and I didn't think we had definite plans anyway so it had been her version of Kat string theory punishing me for bad behavior I was being cocky funny I wanted to see you whatever you were rude you being too cool for school and it was a turn-off that's we talked I tried to figure out why I liked this girl so much why after meeting so many people she had become my obsession a cynical part of me said I was simply falling for the female equivalent of the tactics we use and then there was always the remote possibility that she had managed to touch a part of me that I kept hidden from everyone even myself a part of me that had wanted to stop what about what everyone thought of me and just let go and be free in the moment the way I felt surfing that big wave in Malibu we drove back to my house Lisa slipped into a white t-shirt in boxes and we lay on the bed as we had so many times before heads turned towards each other but no part of our bodies touching so what made you drive up the hill the other day to see me again while you were gone I realized how much I missed you I loved watching her lips part over her front teeth when she talked I actually went grocery shopping while you were gone so I could cook you food I don't know why a warm flush of confidence filled my chest but it's too late she said the window was open with me and you blew it David DeAngelo would have said to go cocky funny here Ross Jefferies would have said not to buy into a frame mystery would have said to punish her but I had to ask how did I blow it first off you didn't call me when you came home from Miami I had to go to you hold on you never called while I was away well your voicemail said you were out of town and you weren't returning calls so I didn't leave a message yeah but I would have returned your call then you came to the whiskey bar and hardly talked so then why did you agree to go out with me tonight you asked me out on a proper date and you were a little nervous so I figured you must really be enemy I propped myself up on the pillows I was about to see the most AFC thing of my life let me tell you something the pickup artists have a word they call one itis it's a disease that people get when they become obsessed with just one girl and they never end up with a girl because they get too nervous around her and scare away so so I said you're my one itis we were looking at each other in the eyes now I could see her sparkle I knew mine was sparkling it was time to kiss her there were no lines no routines I leaned in she leaned in her eyes closed my eyes closed our lips met it was just like I'd always thought a kiss was supposed to begin Lisa and I spent the next day together and the day after that and the day after that I kept worrying that I was gonna ruin it that she was gonna get tired of me but we couldn't seem to part you're so perfect for me she said as we lay in bed for the fourth night in a row I never had sex with a guy I liked this much before I'm afraid I'll get attached when I slept with all those other girls I just had sex with them once a night and if I liked them enough a second time in the morning but something amazing happened with Lisa when we had sex for the first time after I had an orgasm it didn't go down it remained as the old extra mask would say rock-hard and luscious I did it with her a second time feel it I said afterwards it was still ready to go we did it a third and a fourth time that night I couldn't understand it my deck had feelings too sex with Lisa was not entertainment was not about validation and eagle gratification it was about creating a vacuum when nothing else existed except the two of us and our passion it made the rest of existence seem like a distraction and then one afternoon just when I'd forgotten all about her Courtney returned she pulled up to the house in a limo and left out looking radiant in a blue dress and a white shawl this blood flow to my [ __ ] again did you land that directly you were chasing no I got a new man in New York she danced towards me like like a ballerina I heard all about you and Lisa I think that's great so some good came out of having me in the house after all yeah but you two I hope I don't even want to think about what went on in that house well you look great getting laid is don't wonders for your complexion well that and Rehab the prayers had been answered a few days later Lisa and I went to the Scientology celebrity center Tom Cruise had kept his word and sent me an invitation to the annual gala after dinner cruise and a perfectly pressed black Sedo walk towards the table his approach was hypnotic there was no doubt in his walk no effort in his smile no intricacy and his intentions I stood to shake his hand and he clapped my shoulder I kept my balance barely is this your girlfriend he asked looking Lisa up and down in a non lecherous way you didn't tell me how gorgeous she was Thanks I can't remember ever feeling this fulfilled by someone so you got tired of picking up women yeah after a while it started to feel like filling a bucket with a hole in it exactly he exclaimed in a real relationship sex means more you just want to keep going and you want to hang out all the time and talk about life it's very cool yeah but the problem is that it just reaffirms society's message of true love conquering everything on all those Hollywood happy endings it just seems so cheesy who says it's cheesy Cruz asked his eyes narrowing and his hands reaching out to attack me with a friendly gesture you know what I got past that since when is it cheesy to be in love he had a mod to me again ghosts we would just phantoms drifting through a putrifying house mystery wasn't talking to her about her ball wasn't talking a mystery Papa had hardly spoken to anyone i sat uselessly in the living room and watched mystery pack the last of his possessions the platform boots the ridiculous peacocking adds the pinstripe suits he no longer wore so where are you going I'm gonna start project Vegas I've learned from my mistakes here and project Vegas will be bigger and better there are hotter women in Vegas and great opportunities for doing casino magic mysteries manic sense of possibility was back and since you my best friend once I get it set up I'd like you to join me I'm sorry man it'll be mystery and style just like the old days you opened the front door I can't go through this again the words apologetic came out of Q's Ettore I understand he said firms events turned sour I want you to know that you are the most important man in my life a cab pulled into the driveway a mystery slammed the door shut on Project Hollywood the blank whiteness of the door wavered in the midst of my eyes I felt like I was losing a piece of myself without mystery the house became even more uncomfortable whenever I walked through the living room I'd find new roommates lying on a carpet playing video games they never looked up or said a word even when I greeted them when I saw Playboy packing his books into his boxes I asked the usual what's going on I'm moving out first extra mask then mystery and now Playboy do you have a few minutes he asked I want to get something off my chest before I leave playboy brought me into his room and shut the door they're trying to freeze you out who's trying to freeze me out pop born Tyler Durden they using tactics on you what do you mean by tactics well you really have no idea what's been going on up in Papa's room Tyler Durden is telling everyone to ignore you he wants you to think that everyone hates you he's trying to make you uncomfortable in the house why would he want to do that he wants to take over and he sees you as a threat to his finances because you wanted to pay rent and to his women because you made out with that girl he picked up in Vegas he's still upset about that yeah but I think the main problem is that Tyler and popper associate you with mystery and he's their competition they want to make the whole house and office and dormitory for real social dynamics a2im Lisa making her nightly entrance knocked out my stairs shedding her person clothing on away and leapt onto my bed wearing nothing but a beer bottle I'm attracted to you in every way really do you know what all the ways are maybe emotionally physically and mentally that's a lot of ways I can elaborate okay let's start with a physical that's probably the area where I still needed the most reassurance I love your teeth and your mouth especially I listen for hesitation or doubt there was none I love how broad your shoulders are and how narrow your hips are I love the color of your eyes I love the shape of your nose I love the indents on the side of your head oh my god I flipped on top of her and grabbed her shoulders no one has ever complimented me on my head intend Asians before I love them too I laughed a little too loudly at the ridiculousness of what I just said and then I told her about the last two years of meeting players and learning about the game I told her about the AFC's and the IO eyes and the a marks I would love to have you dress up super hot one day I said caught up in the excitement of the game and then go to a bar and I'll practice a mugging all the guys who try to hit on you she rolled off me so that we were facing each other on our sides our faces an inch apart you don't need to take their advice she said a breath intoxicating and intoxicated everything I like about you is all stuff you already had before you met those PUA guys from outside we heard the sound of men climbing the hill flush with the excitement of another night out almost getting laid all the things you learned from the PU A's almost made us not come together Lisa continued I want you just to be Neal balding nerdy glasses and all maybe she was right perhaps she would have liked the real me but without all the training I would never have had the confidence to talk to and handle a girl like Lisa I needed mystery Ross Jeffries David DeAngelo Steve Pyrrhus Putin on all those other pseudonyms I needed them to discover what was me to begin with and now that I'd found the person and learned to accept him perhaps I'd outgrown them Lisa sat up and took a sip from the beer bottle everyone was hitting on me tonight modesty was never her strong suit I hope you realized that you are dating the most fabulous girl in LA in response I grabbed two large manila envelopes and brought them to the bed and turned them upside down hundreds of paper scraps matchbooks business cards and cocktail napkins spilled out each one contained the handwriting of a different girl I know you are I spent two years meeting every girl in LA and out of the mall I chose you it was the most beautiful thing I'd said in a long time and after I spoke it I realized it wasn't entirely accurate if there was anything I'd learned it's that the man never chooses the woman all he could do was give her an opportunity to choose him purple was the next to go I saw him from my bedroom window stuffing his robot vacuum cleaner into a van I ran out to talk to him why after all you went through with mystery you're gonna leave I just felt like the house had been a failure he said Papa keeps moving in guys don't really like what's Katya doing she's moving to Austin with me outside of popper and Tyler Durden everyone seemed to be waking up from the spell the community had cast in them I didn't need to be here anymore still I couldn't help thinking if I was so smart how did papa end up with the house Lisa answered that question as we lay in bed together that night because you didn't want the house it's not a life it's a subculture how could something be good that's based on false reality and a learned behavior walk away watching The Wizard of Oz as a child I was always disappointed when Glinda the Good Witch told Dorothy that she possessed the power to return home since the moment she had arrived in Oz now 20 years later I understood the message I possessed the power to lead the community all along but I hadn't reached the end of the road until now we were all searching outside ourselves for our missing pieces and we were all looking in the wrong direction the answers were to be found within so when the game was to leave it even extra masca discovered that after staying at an ashram in India he was coming home to as he put it in an email the way things were before in the morning I was awakened by noises downstairs three new recruits for real social dynamics were hauling boxes from Ikea into her Buhl's room the troops Center the Sunset Strip nightly to do battle on with my clothes my stories my mannerisms while the generals in the bathroom planted the last stages of their conquest of the community I returned to my room and started packing hanging over me were rows of peacocking garments a fuzzy purple vest a pair of black vinyl pants a pink cowboy hat stacked on the floor with dozens of books on how to be the jerk woman love I wouldn't need any of those where I was going real life beckoned you
you can become genuinely generally more attractive yes by doing certain things uh you talk about appearance you can increase your fashion and fitness this is something we all can improve no matter how you're how many eyes you have or noses you have it's pretty simple like it doesn't it's not very hard and honestly like men have it way easier than women on that front like it's it's crazy like you just I don't know like take a shower and like [ __ ] com your hair and put on a decent shirt and like you're halfway there hello and welcome to the psychology podcast I am Dr Scott Barry Kaufman a cognitive scientist interested in plumbing the depths of human potential in this episode I talk with bestselling author and my friend Mark Manson about what women really want in a man in addition to writing multiple best-selling books such as the subtle art of not giving a [ __ ] and everything is [ __ ] Mark has a past as a successful dating coach Mark put a lot of his insights into dating and seduction in his 2011 book models attract women through honesty the contents of that book are the focus of today's really fun and enlightening conversation so without further Ado I bring you Mark Manson Sunday podcast this this feels like what does it feel like it feels more casual yeah kind Super T like like more chill you know we're we're off off the clock yeah I'm off the clock I don't know about you but I am off the clock I've have gone down the rabbit hole of your prior life oh boy all right uh I'm ready uh in seduction Community what what was it called that the pickup artist with the seduction Community seduction I think it was seduction Community prior to the pickup artist community and then these days I don't know what it's called I think they've rebranded like red pill or manosphere or something uhuh but I really want to have a really nerdy conversation with you at a really high level about whether nice guys uh really finish last you know ra and there's multiple ways you can phrase the question you could also do the inverse and say do [ __ ] really get ahead you know in the dating realm and you know maybe they're both opposite questions or maybe they're power questions but this question about we know for a fact throughout the course of Millennia there are many many self-perceived nice guys who have been feeling like they are being left out of the you know and understanding that and understanding like what's really going on you know what do women really want now maybe some listeners would say well I should ask a woman that not ask you know Mark Manson but you've done a deep dive into this a w in your life and you had a lot of experience I mean you went out there and put yourself on the line yeah I was a professional baiting coach for men for four years about four or five years I worked with hundreds of men wrote hundreds of Articles so wrote a book is still quite popular today it's called models attract women through honesty attract women through honesty um so you put your you put yourself on the line where you were okay being rejected you were okay um learning what women want and learning that not all women are the same too that's something you learned also true right different women want different things at different ages so there's a lot of nuance here you know a major theme of your book is neediness okay what what do you how do you even Define neediness and uh why is that so important when you're trying to uh attract someone and I Define neediness as a prioritization of other people's opinions about you over your own opinion about you so it's if I'm if I am and and the way that actually manifests itself in behavior is that if I'm PRI prioritizing your opinion of me over my own I will censor my own thoughts or I I will censor my what I actually think and I will say and do the things that I think you will want to see from it and uh it never goes well does it no it it's it's uh and this I mean the sad thing is like that is I think a lot of people don't realize like a lot of people just think that that's what dating is what a relationship is what friendship is and it's it's not um so that's how I I mean to be fair I wanted to when I was writing my book I like I kind of distilled what everything I felt about attraction down to this concept but I I didn't know of a I didn't know of a label for it so I kind of just ainted one and and neediness just struck me as like a very uh logical and obvious way to describe it there's something very human here that you're hitting on it's not just like women are attuned to neediness there seems to be a general principle here the more needy you are about something in general the more you tend to push people away it's a downward spiral in a way it's repulsive in all social context so yeah so like imagine I mean just imagine as a guy like you go to a friend's house to watch a football game and there's a guy there who's like sitting too close to you who's like smiling asking you all these weird questions you know laughing at like way too hard at all your jokes like your immediate instinct is going to be to get away from that person you know so it's it's I don't want to laugh at you now no but it's it's like it's just a a commonality of human of just human interaction but I I think we don't there's a lot of subtlety to it like that you know what I just describ is like a very overt and obvious example of it but it happens on a lot of subtle levels as well um and I think particularly with dating those those subtleties get Amplified quite a bit definitely yeah and you know a lot of what we're talking about here is the attraction uh in trying to and a lot of it let's be honest is overcoming fear of rejection yeah I think there's a lot of um self- perceived nice guys who are terrified of rejection um they would rather not talk to a woman ever um if that means that they may be rejected um how can you give any tips on how to kind of overcome that fear is it just like getting out there and doing it over and over yeah it's it's I think it's I mean rejection is just a fact of life so the sooner you can get comfortable with it the better you've been rejected in the past like dude thousands of times um I mean I don't know if it's actually you're like maybe not thousands but like it just wow okay an insane amount um you been slapped yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah uh it it's it's the act of trying to protect yourself from rejection yeah is what makes you unattractive so when you cater your thoughts and feelings to prevent rejection from another person you make yourself less attractive and interesting to that person and so one of the concepts I talk about in the book is that attraction is is ultimately it's polarizing like the things that are going to make you most attractive to some people are also going to get you rejected most often by other people so you can't you can't uh play the middle ground like if you like to maximize your dating experience you have to uh basically go all in on the things that are going to make you attractive to the partners that you desire and um or that are going to make you happy and then accept that there's going to be a certain amount of rejection that's just going to naturally come as a collateral damage of that yeah so it's one thing to cognitively you know but there another thing you know to actually get through the experience you know it's not a pleasant experience um but a lot of um it seems like there's different kinds of classes of nice guys there's the nice there's like the entitled nice guy the nice I'm just making up names labels on the spot but there's the type of nice they're like I'm such a nice guy and I don't understand why I'm not getting late all the time I should be I should be getting late all the time because I'm such a nice guy well that the entitled nice guy yeah um I think there's like the nerdy nice guy I think there's or the well-intentioned nice guy who is is just generally baffled and confused why it seems like like they're always in the friend zone um I know some people like this they I feel like they're always in the friend zone and the the friend is always going after the seeming [ __ ] you know and they're like hello what about they're like why can't I find a nice guy and the guy's like hello right um so I think that's a you know maybe a different class or Nice Guy um something it seems important to recognize here is you know we're not just attracted as humans there's like a human issue it's not just about women we none of us are just attracted to a nice person right like even from the male perspective it's if you think about the women you're attracted to it's not just because they're nice it's like the most Baseline low bar that you can you you can clear is just being a nice person so there needs to be there needs to be something else going on yeah for sure that's important to for for our well-meaning nice guys who are listening to this episode I want them to think about this and by the way you know the entitle nice guy like that's that's the harsh truth for that guy is that it's it's it's like dude being nice doesn't earn you an award like you you're you're not going to get a medal because you were like polite to somebody like that's just called being a decent human being right like it's being like being a nice person isn't if the purpose is to get you things then you're not actually a nice person you're you're kind of a piece of [ __ ] and to the nerdy nice guy I think the nerdy nice guy it's mostly just a you know being a little bit out of touch with their own intentions and being you know not not developed like they haven't learned how to like speak up and state what they want clearly and and communicate what they want clearly um and then I think there's there's kind of a a a a third class and nice guy which is just um which just kind of Clueless like just doesn't has no experience has never been on a date you know like has never actually just like you know tried to get out there at all so experience sounds like it's so important and you went through a lot of experience yeah you know hopefully we got recorded earlier where we talking about your background I think that was within the first four minutes so I my previous career I was a dating coach uh for about five years I worked with hundreds of men um both one-on-one and in seminars uh took guys out the bars and coffee shops malls did he went out to on in the scene oh yeah yeah yeah wow wow you did all that okay did you do the earpiece thing where you talk to them they do that sometimes in these pick up trainings no I was too broke to do that back then um no I would just take guys to bars and talk to girls with them and give them feedback and you know help them out take them to the mall help them buy a decent shirt you know basic stuff and you've seen have you seen some real big transformation oh for sure you know one of the really cool things is is every once in a while I'll run into an old client and um you know like they'll come to an event or something I've had I've had a couple guys like bring their wives to events and just be like you knowy that's kind of beautiful yeah it's really cool to know that you played some part in that yeah it's really cool that is that's that that is really cool yeah um so you say things like ask yourself this why would you want to be intimate with someone who doesn't appreciate you why would you ever settle for such a person because she's hot come on have a a little more self-respect have some higher standards yeah that causes a Consciousness shift in a lot of nice guys I think from oh I got to perform and impress them to oh I wonder if they're going to impress me that's a real Consciousness shift and uh that seems like a game-changing kind of mental shift in approaching the situation yeah yeah I I think men who are needy they don't consider that like it this is like I'm going to get on my soap box for a second uh I love Mark on a soap box I love it so you know obviously like it's there's a lot that is said about objectifying women how it's bad for women which is true right you shouldn't objectify women what doesn't get said is that objectifying women is also bad for men because if you are if you are basing like your your romantic relationship is such a large part of your life and you are your attention your your emotional energy your mental energy and if you are basically saying that none of that matters as long as she's hot like it's it's like she could be a [ __ ] you could be miserable with her you could uh not trust her you could not feel respected by her but if she's hot you'll tolerate all that [ __ ] right you know just cuz you think she's hot right so it's like you you are a man is degrading himself self yeah in the process as well and I don't think she'll respect you or she'll just take advantage of you I mean well it depend if she's if she has Integrity she won't respect you and then she won't date you and if she doesn't have integrity she'll just take advantage of you I I really went down a deep Rabbit Hole in in in in studying um your work and the work of of pickup artist and the seduction Community whatever the [ __ ] they call themselves these days um it just seems like there's a certain factor I did a factor analysis of the kinds the kinds of themes that they're obsessed with um so one of them is coming across as creepy you know fear rejection is one of them but just coming across as creepy is a major fear of a lot of these guys that get these trainings but in my perception a lot of them look creepy when they're doing their pck ofart B to me that looks creepy but it's not I so i' I thought a lot about what creepiness is what is creepiness so creepiness is I mean some of there is a physical attraction element of it like physically attractive guys can definitely get away with more creepy Behavior the thing that makes creepiness creepy is that it is it is um uh it it's in congruent Behavior right so it's it's essentially it's when you are it's when you are saying one thing but being another way like it's it's like a a a guy who's like telling you how much money he has when he's like you know he's dressed in in like you know hobo clothes like it's there's like an in congruence in somewhere in their identity like what they're portraying is not lining up in some way or another and I think creepiness it can happen uh I think it's a signal like I think the reason it evolved is is that it's a signal for women of manipulation and untrustworthiness and I think to your point I think the reason kind of pickup artist Tactics come across as creepy is because they're fundamentally manipulative and dishonest and so they trigger the creepiness red flag in a lot of women and like and then the but I think it's also it can happen with men who are also unaware of their own intentions and desires and impulses who they will in their head they're being honest when they express something uh but the woman can see like something's off here something's off yeah like he says this thing but he seems this other way see but that's a profound Insight because I think a lot of men are kind of conditioned or kind of think the way the world works is they'll be more successful if they hide their intentions right like oh can't show that I'm sexually interested got to like make but that in some ways that actually makes you more creepy well no but it's it's it's that's there's an interesting Paradox there yeah it's that's ultimately why I landed on just the prescription of honesty yeah because honesty even if you get rejected even if you fail even if you don't get the girl of your dreams you're not going to like you're not going to be creepy you're not going to be man manipulative you're still going to have integrity and you're you're still going to you'll be able to approach women and try to you know approach your dating life in a way that um you can feel proud of and that you can feel you you can maintain your self-respect I get it I mean I feel like I see you I see you and what you were you know underneath a lot of this comes down to just basic confidence self-respect self-worth not coming at it from a sense of neediness not coming from a sense of vulnerable narcissism which is a topic that I study you know where like oh I'm Ian I think the need a lot of neediness comes from vulnerable narcissism BL it out all that sounds but a lot of it does seem that come from that vulnerable narcissism not you you know there is grandio narcissism yeah you know but I also think you see a lot in the in the pickup artist Community you know a vulnerable kind of narciss we've talked about this before how pickup is essentially just grandiose narcissist teaching teaching vulnerable narcissist how to be grandiose narcissist that's the supply and demand that's and see grandiose narcissists will actually get laid by women who are vulnerable to narcissists so like it it's oh that's super interesting it's there is an attraction there that happens across the narcissism Spectrum um and vulnerable narcism and women is highly correlated with borderline personality disorder but maybe we don't want to go there but there's there's something there I'm not surprised and and that's why when you also in these communities the guys who do get laid a bunch and dat a ton of women like they have the worst [ __ ] horror stories about like this is like ultimately and I think I've talked about this in models is like you ultimately you ultimately attract what you are and such a good insight and it it's yes so if you are narcissistic selfish um manipulative untrustworthy that's the woman you're going to end up with and you can kind of fake your way to appearing attractive in the short term and guess what you're going to end up with women who fake their way to being attractive in the short term so it it's like there's a parallelism that that happens well have you seen the hot Matrix the hot crazy Matrix you don't think that's a thing you don't think that's true I think that's a perfect example of a story that no no no I think that's a perfect example of grandio narcissism attracts grandio narcissism uh or narcissism attracts narcissism manipulation attracts manipulation really yeah you that's a good example of that that explains why because it's the hot crazy woman like this gets in the whole tangent of like what's hot and right that's a good point too right like it's if your standard of hot is like the porn star you know fake eyelashes fake boobs that's my standard fake ass fake everything yeah yeah I like the fake ass I like the fake ass guess what like the the women that the women that look like that no you're right yeah they look like that for a reason no you're right I in reality uh before people get the wrong idea about me um I I'm usually the one I'm usually the one who's falling in love with the girl there they was like uh what do you why her you know and I'm like she's so quirky and cute you know like I love the nerdy the nerdy you know GL big glasses and freckles that's kind of my type so you know you say the the exact words you say are far less important than your intentions and level of anxiety so this is a Formula I really want to nerd out with you today that is a great formula here you're saying that um the the anxiety part I think is associated correlated uh with the neediness part of the equation sure um but then what you know the intentionality being more important than the words if you could unpack that a little for me because you have this whole story where you went up to women and and your friend went up to a said can I pee in your butt now doesn't that illustrate this point you're trying to make oh my God the pee in your butt story um am I wrong yeah no I mean it's it's this is one thing that I I just learned going out and speaking to hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of women is that ultimately like the the line the line yeah it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it's it's who you are and it's the attitude that you show up with I would also in the context in context absolutely you have to be socially aware but um but it's much more about your identity who you are who you are who you present yourself as and then and then the attitude that behind it like the words themselves are like like you can give the best line in the world to the neediest dude and he's still going to get rejected left right and Center so it's a great point you know back to the intention thing it's it's it's the intention it's the why you said it's not what you say it's why you said it you know and and it's um if you're you can say anything and if you're looking for a reaction it's going to going to come across this needy it's potentially going to come across this creepy if you say something and you're just like [ __ ] it having a good time having a laugh expressing your thoughts you know if there's an unconditionality to it and by that what I mean is that you're not looking for a reaction then it's it's either she's going to pick up what you're putting down and she's going to love it or she's going to say no thank you and move on and then you know she's doing you a cuz she's not she's not vibing with you or throw a drink in your face I mean if you're an [ __ ] yeah she might do that yeah well even if you're not an [ __ ] sometimes wires get crossed you know sometimes you have sometimes you can have the best intentions and you can't control someone else's perception of it you know yeah yeah I mean sh happens should happen yeah um you actually say allow yourself to be creepy so you know like you you say like things happen things happen you have to understand that like you're never going to communicate yourself perfectly all the time so you know you can have the that's the only point I wanted to make there is you can have the best of intentions and still be horribly rejected and and to be able to not take that personally also to not be mad at the person you know like you know like in some sort of entitled sort of way you know um hey there's something I did want to bring up and that's this idea of like can you be too cool for school you know um a lot of this seems to make a lot of sense in the early stages of relationship but like you know you like they're times in a relationship where you really are needy on the per you know you're human right and uh and and honesty is being needy and um you know let's say you're you get sick and you need your partner to take care of you for a certain part or let's say you're starting to notice an imbalance in um liking and and you starting to feel within yourself a little bit Meer because you're invested in the relationship you know so um I'm trying to reconcile that you know like so there's a lot of this advice more about like attracting someone who's new than like being in a relationship over many years it is primarily about attraction although I would say I do think neediness is important as a principle throughout our relationships I again as you pointed out like [ __ ] happens in life there are moments of weakness you know moments of insecurity and and and I think in a long-term relationship there's a lot of leeway to like support each other but I I don't I think if there's ever needing this for extended period of time that results in kind of an imbalance within the relationship so um I do think it's still holds as a guiding principle within a long-term relationship with the understanding that there are going to be like short-term moments here and there that one person or the other is going to be in a very like vulnerable position it seems like demographics are super important and you see a lot of guys with midlife crisis you know going on and then they're only going for like that you know the the the hot you know 20s you know in 20s and they're like why why are my gang rejected you know it it seems like knowing your target audience is and and what's going to be a real authentic fit seems to be a really important part of this story right for sure it's it's I think what I think men tend to the men live in one or two one of two different fantasy worlds when it comes to I what I would call like Identity or Lifestyle the first fantasy world is that none of it should matter that if you are like Charming enough and charismatic enough and have all the right lines and jokes that you should be able to like hook up with any girl anywhere under any circumstance whatever like which is just [ __ ] fantasy world that's not realistic uh the second fantasy that men have is that uh that lifestyle and identity you know basically all just boils down like money and and maybe how tall you are um which is also [ __ ] like those things matter but they're they're a relatively small how much money are we talking I mean just money in general like it's it but it's it's a relatively small amount of the pie uh and it's I mean ultimately what matters is the life that you've built for yourself you know your you call lifestyle lifestyle your occupation your interests your friend group uh what you like to do on the weekends your relationship with your family like the city you live in like all these things are like are your age all these things are big factors um your religious or ethnic background like all these things are factors and I think it's important that not just men everybody is is realistic about what are the demographics that I'm going to naturally appeal to and what are the demographics that I'm naturally not going to appeal to being honest with yourself be honest with yourself and then just play Within those demographics like don't and I you know back when I coached I I used to run into this occasion get the the 40 45-year-old divorce guy midlife crisis uh you know wants to start going out to nightclubs and talking to college girls and like wants me to give him the line that's going to get him to hook up with a college I'm like I'm sorry dude but there's not there's not a line like there's just no line like you're in the wrong place and uh and besides it's like if there is a girl here who's willing to hook up with a guy twice her age you probably don't need a line for her like it's she's just that's her thing it's her thing or she's there for you know whatever the car the benefits um so it's it's I think this is why you know the subtitle of my book is attract women through honesty the honesty is not just about the honesty with the women it's the honesty with yourself love that because if if you lie to yourself the repercussions of that are ultimately unattractive oh man I love that radical drop them like there radical rad I'm all about radical self- honesty um I think this is uh why we're friends we're both pretty radically self-honest about each other and yeah have have the ideas of your book changed at all since You' written it in light of the me too sort of era because there are some things you say in there that are a little like me too questionable such as you have a thing you say keep expressing your interest and keep going for it being Asser of do you even say dominance is attractive to women um up until the point they say no keep going for it now you say that in the book has you're thinking about that changed in light of the last five six years of this cultural Consciousness change you I haven't the last time so I did a revision of the book in 2016 oh that's the last time I did a revision of it um and I think the the me stuffff was just starting around then uh but I remember that revision I kind of went through with that in mind um you know there's probably like I I originally wrote the book when I was 29 wow no 27 and then that revision I was 32 so it's like I'm sure there's probably a more delicate and nuanced way to put there's some passages there I'm sure there's more delicate and nuanced ways to put it but I think ultimately I stand by the principle which is um you should Express what you want you should you know if she doesn't say no feel free to continue expressing I just think there's a certain love as long as there's respect there as long as you're not being cushy or uh uh you know intimidating her um I think there there's a certain maybe like if I did go back and revise it I would probably revise like an awareness around her emotional state because I think a lot of women they they don't feel free to say no or they they're they are too insecure to say no and so I think there's like it's important to as a man to try to be aware of that well the women are complex then throughout the Millennia have been trying to understand uh there's some famous quotes like from like famous Nobel Prize winners like I understand the universe but women forget about it you know so you do point out some of the complexities of women in your book you you point out how it might not seem rational but a lot of women you can say something that gets them so mad at you polarization you say is a good thing and so you say well look don't count yourself out if you've made a woman mad at you you know like she could actually come back and you know could it could work out so I'm trying to reconcile that within this sort of me too era but um but there's something really interesting that you're pointing on there you know depends what she's mad about um I mean it that's true my response to that would be you know the opposite of attra attraction is not anger the opposite of Attraction is indifference right so why is polarizing women such a positive thing to do you know polarization it's like it's kind of like if you are going to if you make the decision to be honest about your thoughts and feelings you have to understand that sometimes people aren't going to like your thoughts and feelings sometimes they're going to be upset by them sometimes they're going to disagree with you sometimes they're going to want to AR argue with you and I think it's important to understand that that's not necessarily a bad thing you know the same way you argue with family members or you get upset with your dad or you know um it it it's it's part of a natural part of intimacy is feeling heightened emotion both positive and negative so I think as long as the reason she's mad isn't because you're a piece of [ __ ] who like lied to her or did something unethical uh it's not necessarily bad thing I'll give you a really simple uh uh I'll give you a really simple kind of practical example of this that I think probably illustrates why polarization is not only natural in a healthy relationship but it's also like good um so my wife this started when we were dating I you know like many women she would spend a lot of time getting ready to go out on a date night or whatever um and she try on some new outfit and then she'd come out and she'd be like how do I look and if she didn't look good I would say I don't think you look good and she said that to you what she say to you you don't look good no no no she would get ready oh to go on a date and she'd put on her whole outfit and everything yeah and uh and then she'd come out like most women tend to do and they say how do I look oh that yeah it's a you have to lie yeah exactly you have to 99% my experience 99% what men would just like say you look beautiful like don't even think about it I make a practice of telling her if I don't think she looks good I tell her I I don't you know like I don't like that dress I don't think it looks good the first year or so that we were together she would get so [ __ ] pissed off yeah women don't like that no she really doesn't like that and so but I was like you asked me how you look and this is what I I'm not going to lie to you right um so she would get upset we'd have a little the first year or so we'd have like little arguments and stuff about it but a funny thing started happening after a while which is if she asked me a question she says how does this look or how do I look tonight how does this outfit look and I say you look [ __ ] Spectacular Now that means something like because now she knows I'm being honest she knows that I'm willing to say the other thing so when I say the good thing she's like super super happy and another funny thing happened too after a while and I I would argue this is healthy as well is after another couple years we reached a point where you know she'd come out of the closet uh or or the bathroom or whatever and and she'd be like how do I look and I'd say uh I don't think I don't think I don't like the outfit doesn't look great and she'd be like well I don't care I like it and then we go exactly that's her prioritizing her own exactly exactly so it's it's um I think that that polarization of response is actually healthy it's yeah because it it it also enables the person you're with to stop being needy to themselves as well right and it it you're encouraging authentic honest conversations you know if I say something that you disagree with and you're like Scott I don't agree with that you know like you know I'm not going to fall to pieces you know like uh that that's good a good conversation I don't want to be around someone who is who says everything I say is brilliant or do I um so you say I strongly believe in the idea of [ __ ] yes or no this shows the early days of Mark Manson by the way and his the word [ __ ] um but yeah I really think that's my philosophy too right like if someone's not interested like move on you know like I think a lot of nice guys get stuck right I think there was a term for that in the pickup artist days where you get stuck with on one person I think there was a term for they had for it I'm forgetting what it is right now the average average frustrated chump or something what they they were so mean they were referring to nice guy average frustrated chump you know gets get stuck on one person but I think there's something really important about that right is like if if is no one when to move on and being graceful about that well again think about it if you if a woman is non-interested yet you keep waiting around for someone who's not interested spending valuable time of your own life waiting and hoping like what does that say about your view of yourself like it doesn't it suggests that you don't think very highly of yourself that you don't value your own time very highly um you could be using that time to go out and meet other women um so it's yeah it's ultimately again kind of with the objectification thing it comes back to it's a self-respect issue um so the friend zone is is i' I've been so fascinating understanding that um I think that a lot of guys a lot of nice guys you know they this relates to what you're just saying they think that they stay in there longm enough yeah yeah someday the woman's going to just magically be like oh you know what I you know what I it was you all along that I loved yeah um but I think there's some Nuance there because I think that there is this terrible idea that every that no woman can just be a friend that like you know guys and girls can't be friends you know that every woman that you're friends with if you're not sleeping with them then you're in the friend zone and I iore that idea you know because I have a lot of female friends that I think it's uh I have a wonderful wonderful friendship and it's very meaningful and I generally don't want to sleep with them you know it come yeah I mean that's just the objectification again it's just that's what it is it's just seeing women as but I see that a lot in the in the pickup artist Comm I remember back in the day in my 20s when the game came out and I tried my hand at all that stuff it felt all of it felt very uncomfortable to me and one thing was like I remember I would uh go out you know in the scene they called the whatever their term for the real world they're like we're now going to the real world and and and and the guys would be like yelling at me they like dude why are you talking to her and not like you know escalating it you know and I'm like well actually this girl just cool like I I'm not trying to sleep believe it or not talking to a girl that I'm not trying to sleep with they couldn't understand that concept yeah yeah so um I don't know what my point is but but I guess my point is that U is that like let's let's define what it means to be in the friend zone because I don't think you're automatically in the friend zone if you have a really cool friendship the friend zone is when you are attracted to a woman and you want to have a romantic relationship with her but she just sees you as a friend yes and doesn't want to bring you out of the friend zone well I think a lot of guys can really resonate with being in the friend zone and being gutted gutted over you know when they they seem in their perception they seem to see the girl constantly dating jerks you know for instance you know but um is there any way out of the friend zone what what what what are your thoughts on the friend zone I don't think about the friend zone a whole lot like well you're married so I'm glad I'm glad to hear that I I just like I I don't to me it was always really simple of like look you shouldn't wait around for somebody who doesn't want to be with you like period just if she doesn't want to be with you don't wait around get on with your life if you want if you want to stay friends with her that's fine be friends with her but don't be friends with her because you're waiting that she'll like one day hopefully change her mind you know so it's like that it I I don't know there's like a lot of brewhaha over friends own stuff that I I never I always have a ton of female friends and yeah sure some of them I like totally wanted to hook up with and some of them I didn't some of them I just really liked hanging out with so it's like I don't know whatever women are people like I I I do find it really uh discouraging and and disconcerting when when men a don't have female friends and B don't think you can have female friends right it bothers me it's a pet peeve of mine yeah it's just it's you like it I find it funny too cuz then I'm like well no wonder you're so [ __ ] confused about women because you never spend any time around them yeah that's true you know it's like how do you think you're going to like relate to women if you don't spend time with them that's so true you do argue there's three types of women it's like the there's three types there's uh I think it's interested uninterested and neutral yeah that's what it is and um if she's uninterested so if she's neutral and like a neutral woman is just who like you don't know if she's attracted to you or not she might not even know if she's attracted to you or yeah you should uh you know you should pursue her until you find out and then once you find out she goes into interested or uninterested categories if she's in uninterested you should stop pursuing her full stop let it go yeah um and then if she's interested great so it's important so it's important to understand this framework it's important because I think a lot of guys waste a ton of time trying to make sure that every woman they meet ends up being interested and that is just backfires or they try to convert women from uninterested in the interested and it's just like I I think that framework was just to put it as simply as possible if she's neutral she like she should remain neutral as little as possible like you should make your interest clear as soon soon as possible and as soon as you make your interest clear it should polarize her and if she goes into the uninterested side let it go and if you want to be friends you can be friends but like don't don't sit there and try to like game her and try to you know get her all worked up or whatever okay well that's fair enough but um you also do really make a case for going for it and for I mean I'm not saying that's incompatible what you just said but I think there is another side of it where you're like no like sometimes they'll be more attracted to you if you show that you're attracted to them you say quote the biggest aphrodesiac in the world is someone who likes you genuinely likes you a woman's desire is to be desired but it has to be genuine desire it can't be a I'll desire you as long as you boost my ego and impress my co-workers kind of Desire yeah so I guess keeping that framework in mind is good on the one hand but also if you have limited information on where they're at in terms of their interest in you you know let's encourage guys to go for it you know respectfully and honestly that's if if you don't know if they if you don't know if they're interested or not if they're in that neutral category then you yeah you have to go for it until you find out and then if you if they're uninterested then you stop well I mean it almost it feels like it doesn't need to be said but it doesn't have to it does have to be said oh yeah it does unfortunately this is why we have the me tooo movement yes yes you so in the remaining time we have an interview let let's just uh let's offer some hope to uh tonight's guys who are really struggling really struggling um uh and you really believe at the end of the day that anyone can be attractive you you actually make a distinction between good-looking and being attractive and you really have a lot of hope that that everyone can be can increase their attractive everybody's attractive to somebody if if you never meet a woman who's attracted to you it's you're meeting the wrong women so you can improve yourself to become attractive to more women which is you should also do that everyone can do that right but if you're never meeting women who are attracted to you then you are meeting the wrong women on some level so it's it's everybody's attractive to somebody somewhere and if and if you if you're not finding them then it's an issue of uh filtering it's not an issue of like oh women just like tall guys with money or like oh women you know like all the bull you CS have this whole idea about that but but but you do make a point you can become genuinely generally more attractive yes by doing certain things uh you talk about appearance you can increase your fashion and fitness this is something we all can improve no matter how you're how many eyes you have or noses you have it's pretty simple like it doesn't it's not very hard and honestly like men have it way easier than women on that front like it's it's crazy like you just I don't know like take a shower and like [ __ ] comb your hair and put on a decent shirt and like you're halfway there yeah and a lot of guys don't realize that yeah how much they can uplevel themselves just by doing that you say women are attracted to a man they can respect to a man they can trust if you're constantly looking for approval for what to say and how to feel how could anyone respect or trust you and so I think a lot of this you know it just keeps coming back to that you know these are these are simple things that I think people can listen to tangible takeaways in their lives to um to to to be with the kind of woman they generally want to be with but is you know we're we're not teaching we're not doing one of these things like have sex with any model you know that's not what we're here for oh that's the follow-up book that's the that's the the that we're writing together yeah no uh but uh you know when you call I I think we had an interview where we're joking but I I couldn't tell if you were serious or not when you said models did you were you referring to statistical models like a model way of think about it or were you actually thinking about models it is a it's a double anandra so it's it's uh it's specifically what it is is and I believe I talk about this in the introduction is that there's no healthy in a post- feminist world there's no healthy model of masculinity that there's no for men who grow up in the internet age there's no clear and obvious role model you know it's if you look at our parents generation you know they grew up with like John Wayne and uh you know the Jack Nicholson and all these people like it was kind of obvious of like okay that's that's what a man is that's how I'm supposed to be this is you know what we do whereas growing up in say starting in the the 90s it started to get a lot more ambiguous and unclear and so the goal of the book was to just present like here's a model of what being an attractive man is that is based on science and it's also uh practical and and useful and the double and Tandra it's well the nerd in me loves the double and Tandra I love that um you know your what's your own you know personally just at a personal level um like being vulnerable for a second as Mark menson like you strike me as someone who earlier in your life you probably felt things very deeply I actually get the sense and I may be completely off base here but I'm been a psychologist for 25 years I get the sense that you are this like big teddy bear who who early in your life you couldn't you couldn't stand the feeling of being rejected or whatever you and but you've gone through such a journey like personally like you've transformed and you've gone through a lot of growth and maybe you even at some point overcompensated by being too cool where like oh nothing affects me you know like uh don't give a [ __ ] about anything you know um maybe you went through that phase at some point um and now you're a much more integrated human but just being your friend and kind of knowing you this is this is what my intuition is is telling me about the Arc of your story how much does that Dove tell the reality what I just said I you know it's funny though like like being a person who feels things deeply like I never know like all I know is how I feel things so I don't know if that's deep what's like for some yeah like I there's no reference point so I I don't know like I you know I grew up in a very like kind of emotionally stifled family um you know very my parents were like old school Middle America um you know everything's fine don't talk about it type of family and so you know I in my early life I just buried things um which really really buried things and was developed a number of like self-destructive patterns and behaviors uh at a pretty young age and then I was also like I was a classic entitled nice guy like I was every girl the day I became friends with and then you know and then I would feel like I got cheated out of something because she didn't want to sleep with me and it it's like well dude you never said any it's been six months you never [ __ ] said anything like so is she's supposed to just magically know that like oh you know your perfect boyfriend is has been here the whole time no it's it's on you to to like say something but you know I was young and immature and I didn't understand that and um I think I did overcompensate when I got to my 20s I started I got really into self-help I got into Eastern spirituality went to therapy did a lot of psychedelics you know did the whole thing sort of meditating all the time and it really it I kind of overcompensated I became very um I did get in touch with my emotions but there was like a lot of anger there and a lot of like resent resentment resentment resentment and um and then also like a lot of selfish came around came came out with that um and I think it took me most of my 20s to kind of like mature out of that and honestly my like models my book was very much um it was kind of towards the end of that Journey like I think it took me many many years to learn how to be like I figured out how to attract women like relatively early but it took me a lot of failed relationships to figure out how to like actually be a good partner and and be a good man essentially and um so when I wrote models like I said I was 27 2728 and it like it was really the goal of it was like write the book that I wish I had read when I was 20 uh like what is the healthy version of the pickup artist stuff um and yeah it's funny too cuz I wrote it I was like when I wrote it I was like this industry I was I was ready to get out of that industry I was like pretty sick of it um and I was like well if I'm going to leave the industry I should like kind of leave what everybody needs to actually hear but they're not hearing um and I was convinced that everybody was going to hate it when it came out uh and they did initially hate it it got a lot of I got a lot of flak uh in that IND for the first year or two um and and then it kind of took on a life of its own and so it's it's like it it's it's been one of the bestselling men's dating books pretty much ever since and it's still his legs hell yeah it's still yeah it it it's personally changed my life so I really appreciate you writing this and uh resonating on a frequency I wanted to resonate on that I wasn't resonating on with the other stuff in that whole crazy world yeah in hindsight it's funny because it's like it's so OB I mean as most things are it's obvious in hindsight uh that you know I was a guy like I was a mess in my relationships but I also wanted to like live and act in integrity and I like it it's so obvious to me now that there were thousands and thousands of men like most of the men in the pickup artist space were probably in the same boat and they were like well I wish I didn't have to lie and make up stories but but this is kind of all that's like a in front of me so I'm just going to go with it you know so it's in hindsight I'm not surpr it's not surprising that there was so much demand for it but um you know at the time it was it really felt like I was like going out on a Lim and uh you know saying some crazy stuff um so crazy talk be honest to with women no be honest be be a good H have self-respect I know it's [ __ ] it's it's insane but um no I'm I'm very I'm very proud of the book and it it's like it's it's a has a very close place in my heart beautiful so in conclusion you don't have to be an [ __ ] to attract women no you don't and you also don't have to be a nice guy to attract women I think that's a conclusion from both ends or not be yourself and lean into the best parts of yourself I would say that the the the nice [ __ ] access is a different or spectrum is a different access as the attractive unattractive access and um it's revolutionary yeah you can be an attractive [ __ ] you can be an unattractive [ __ ] you can be an attractive nice guy you can be an unattractive nice guy thank you Mark thank you
how to talk to anyone by Leo Louns is one of the most practical books for mastering human connection the book shares 92 little techniques to build better relationships by making people feel seen heard and drawn to you without being fake a quick note before we dive in this video is created in cooperation with another book summary channel called Antidote if you enjoy this video and would like to see more summaries similar to this one then check them out link in the description part one you only have 10 seconds to show you're a somebody more than 80% of someone's first impression of you comes from how you look and how you move not what you say in those first few seconds your posture energy and body language send loud signals confident nervous forgettable impressive it happens fast and it happens automatically so how do you make that first snapshot work in your favor technique one make your smile feel personal a smile can say more than a thousand words but only if it's the right kind of smile see not all smiles are equal a nervous giggle weak a fast flash feels fake a tight polite expression cold to really connect to make someone feel like they matter don't smile the instant you see them that makes it feel automatic like you'd smile at anyone who crosses your path whether you're meeting someone at a networking event walking into a room or just running into an old friend pause for just a second look at their face take them in let them feel seen then and only then let your smile appear that tiny delay does something powerful it makes your smile feel real personal earned meant just for them and people feel that in fact that half-second pause can make the difference between a nice and wow I felt a connection because when your smile doesn't feel automatic it feels authentic technique two hold eye contact a little longer want to come across as more intelligent trustworthy and charismatic without saying a word use your eyes research shows that people who maintain steady eye contact during conversation are seen as more competent and confident because real focus is rare most people glance nod shift and blink through conversations but if you want to stand out you maintain eye contact the idea imagine your eyes holding theirs like Velcro soft but hard to pull away you don't just watch while they speak you hold their eyes a moment longer even after they've finished and when it's time to look away don't break eye contact too suddenly let it drift gently like a ribbon slowly coming loose this small act creates a big impression it makes people feel truly seen it builds a quiet sense of connection and in a world full of distractions that kind of attention leaves a mark technique three make someone feel seen in a crowd imagine you're standing in a small group at a party someone's telling a story but your attention is elsewhere across the circle one person catches your eye you're watching how she reacts not staring just holding her eyes a moment longer than expected she notices you don't say anything but the message is clear you're the one I'm paying attention to even in a crowd you stand out that quiet focus stays it stirs something because sometimes connection doesn't start with words it starts with a look that doesn't let go and science backs it up studies in non-verbal communication show that sustained eye contact increases heart rate raises levels of fenylthylamine the brain chemical linked to feelings of love and desire and triggers emotional arousal in other words that steady eye contact triggers a real physical response it builds attraction and emotional intensity but a word of warning used wrong this can backfire if there's no mutual interest it comes off as intense awkward even a little arrogant so pay attention to their vibe a softer way to use it maintain normal eye contact during the conversation but after the speaker finishes a point turn your focus back to your target and let it rest on them for a moment it's subtle it's strategic and when it works they really feel it technique four use posture to project confidence confidence isn't just something you feel it's something people see before you even open your mouth when you're feeling good your body shows it automatically your head lifts shoulders roll back chest opens up and just like that you project confidence presence and self-respect without saying a word but what if you're not feeling it what if you're nervous tense or just tired that's where posture becomes your secret weapon because the way you hold yourself doesn't just reflect how you feel it can actually change how you feel good posture makes you look more powerful but it also makes you feel more powerful so here's a trick to lock it in every time you walk through a doorway imagine there's a leather strap hanging just above your head now bite down on it yep seriously picture yourself grabbing it with your teeth it's just high enough that it pulls your head up straightens your spine rolls back your shoulders and lifts your whole frame into alignment it's a small mental cue but it creates a full body reset and if you do it often enough your posture shifts automatically you'll start walking into every room looking calm composed and quietly confident technique five give them your whole presence you never get a second chance to make a first impression and most of that impression happens before you even speak when you meet someone new your body language tells them everything how you see them and how they should feel about you that impression starts the second they lay eyes on you so next time you're introduced to someone don't just turn your head turn your whole body toward them face them fully like they're the only person in the room and then smile not a quick polite one give them the kind of smile you'd give a little kid who just ran up looked up at you and smiled up at you why does this work because it taps into something deep no matter how old or successful we get we all crave that kind of attention focused undivided personal and when you give it when you pivot fully towards someone you're not just being polite you're saying something without words you matter you have my full attention most people don't get that kind of presence especially from strangers and that's exactly why it hits so hard technique six treat strangers like old friends trying to apply all the techniques you've just learned can feel awkward at first you're thinking about your posture your smile your eye contact and suddenly instead of coming off confident you look tense distracted and even a little cold so how do you stay natural while using everything you've learned here's a mindset shift that changes everything act as if the person in front of you is an old friend not just someone familiar but someone you really missed a close friend you haven't seen in years someone you're genuinely happy to see again just picture that feeling and watch what happens to your body your eyebrows soften your posture opens up your tone becomes warmer and even your toes turn toward them as your whole body leans in you don't need to fake anything your brain does it for you because how you think shapes how you move when you feel warmth you show warmth and the person across from you feels it too but here's the best part this isn't just for them it helps you too according to research in social psychology when you act like you like someone you actually start to like them more that's a self-fulfilling prophecy and it works so next time you meet someone new especially when you feel out of place use this trick greet them like an old friend technique seven steady body strong presence if you want to be taken seriously your body has to match your words because if you're fidgeting people notice shifting in your seat touching your face scratching your head all of it sends a silent message i'm unsure even if you're calm inside fidgeting tells a different story psychologists have found that people instinctively associate fidgeting with lying nervousness or insecurity even if that's not what's really going on that's why in big moments like job interviews negotiations or presentations your best move is simple don't move let your nose itch let your collar feel tight let your foot fall asleep if it has to because how you hold yourself holds their attention touch your face you look nervous break eye contact you look unsure keep adjusting your clothes you look unprepared but when you stay still calm quiet focused people trust you more you look confident grounded in control even under pressure technique eight read the room in real time there was once a horse named Hans who could do math at least that's what people thought they'd ask him a question like "What's 3 plus 2?" And Hans would tap his hoof five times right on Q crowds were stunned scientists were impressed until they discovered the truth hans wasn't solving math problems he was reading people he picked up on subtle reactions a shift in someone's face a twitch of anticipation a sign of approval and that's when he'd stop tapping he didn't need to know the answer he just needed their body language now if a horse can do that you definitely can too while you're speaking stay on a dual track keep expressing yourself but also watch how people react are they nodding leaning in checking their phone looking confused these signals tell you more than their words ever will and when you notice them you can adjust slow down speed up add a story ask a question whatever the moment needs that's what great communicators do they don't just talk they tune in and once you develop that sensitivity people will say "You always seem to know just what to say you're incredibly intuitive." Technique nine play the scene in your head first before stepping onto the court elite athletes don't just warm up their bodies they warm up their minds they visualize every move the dribble the pass the crowd the final shot they see it hear it feel it before it even happens and the craziest part their brains fire as if it's already real practicing in your mind prepares your nervous system to perform better and the same goes for you in any social setting before you walk into that room for a meeting a party or an event take a moment to visualize who you want to be see yourself walking in with strong posture feel the confidence of your smile picture yourself making eye contact shaking hands speaking with ease visualize that version of you and it works because your brain doesn't always distinguish between real and imagined experiences so when you visualize that version of you and the moment finally comes your body relaxes your voice comes out smoother you speak with better timing and people feel your presence that's the core of this technique visualize your best self then let your actions match that image you don't need to fake anything you just need to see it first and the rest will follow part two what do I say after I say hello you've made a strong first impression now what most people freeze after hi they overthink what to say next but the secret isn't saying something brilliant it's sounding natural confident and curious in this part you'll learn how to keep any conversation going without awkward silences or fake small talk technique 10: Match their mood first picture this you're at a networking event you turn to the person next to you ready to say something but he's quiet eyes down phone in hand no energy you were about to make a joke but something tells you to pause that instinct that's the mood match we've all been there trying to start a conversation with someone new and not knowing what to say you think "Should I comment on the food ask what they do?" That's the small talk phase it's how we start conversations not deep or meaningful but a bridge to something more real but here's a powerful shift in mindset small talk isn't about what you say it's about how you make people feel and the fastest way to make someone feel comfortable is to match their mood before you say anything take a second to scan their energy are they upbeat and bubbly calm and serious quiet and withdrawn then mirror it just enough to show you're on the same page not fake not exaggerated just tuned in because real connection starts with emotional alignment people instinctively trust those who feel in sync with them in tone pace and energy it's like music if someone's humming a soft melody and you come in blasting heavy metal it breaks the mood but if you match their tune even briefly you build harmony then gently you can guide the rhythm that's what great communicators do they don't force the moment they match it and then lead technique 11 it's not what you say it's how you walk into a room meet someone new and your mind goes blank you don't have a clever line no deep insight just nice weather today and that's okay because you don't need the perfect opening line you just need to sound like you actually care people don't remember the words they remember the vibe the energy the way you made the moment feel even a basic comment can land if it comes with warmth and presence when two strangers meet there's tension a little wall of mistrust but if you bring relaxed energy and genuine curiosity that wall starts to fall that's what makes you feel interesting even before the conversation gets interesting and when they respond with something clever or playful match it because good conversations don't start with brilliance they start with presence technique 12 use your outfit to invite curiosity want people to start conversations with you instead of the other way around make it easy for them wear something that invites curiosity not flashy not loud just unexpected a strange necklace a t-shirt with a clever phrase a ring that looks like it has a story something that makes people stop and ask "Hey that's cool what is it?" It's a simple social trigger that lowers the barrier between strangers it gives people a reason to approach without feeling awkward when you give someone an easy opening you've already made things smoother for both of you this creates opportunities your what's it says i'm open it's okay to talk to me so before your next event don't just plan your outfit plan your conversation bait technique 13 have someone introduce you you walk into a room and spot someone you'd love to talk to but instead of hanging back or awkwardly waiting for the right moment you ask the host "Hey who's that?" Then follow up with "Can you introduce me?" It's simple and way more natural than trying to force a moment even better before the introduction ask a couple of questions what do they do what are they into that gives you built-in icebreers so when you walk up it's not a cold start it works because it warms things up before you even join the conversation it signals confidence without forcing anything and it shows respect both for the person you're meeting and the one making the connection you're not interrupting you're being invited big difference technique 14 jump in by listening first sometimes there's no host to introduce you nothing that invites curiosity just a tight circle deep in conversation no problem stand nearby listen in and when the moment's right step up and say "Hey I couldn't help but over here and I'm actually really into that topic too mind if I join in?" It's bold but it works because most people welcome new energy as long as it's relevant and respectful you're not interrupting you're building on the topic you're showing curiosity not forcing attention sure they might be surprised for a second then someone makes room the circle opens a bit and just like that you're in so don't hang back waiting for a perfect opening if you hear something interesting step in and join technique 15 don't give one-word answers there are two questions you'll hear in almost every conversation where are you from what do you do and most people answer them the same way paris graphic designer not much to work with right and that's the problem the conversation dies right there so here's the fix never give a naked answer dress it up if someone asks where you're from don't just drop the name add something they can respond to i'm from Paris just near Mom where all the street artists are now they've got something to respond to like is that near Sakraur you've just made it easier for them to keep the conversation going and you look like a great conversationalist the trick adjust your detail to your audience if they're into food mention your city's best local dish if they're into sports drop a team name it's a simple way to make connection easier technique 16 make your job sound interesting someone asks "What do you do?" You say "I'm a developer." And just like that the conversation ends not because your job is boring but because your answer gave them nothing to work with so never give a naked job title instead of just naming your role give them a taste of what it actually means i'm a developer i help startups turn raw ideas into clean fast apps that detail gives people something to ask about it invites curiosity it creates connection because unless they're in your industry your job title doesn't mean much so don't drop a label and expect engagement paint a picture make it real technique 17 add context when you introduce people there's a right way to introduce people and then there's the lazy way lazy sounds like this hey Alex meet Sarah silence awkward nods two polite smiles and nothing to go on here's how to do it right never introduce people without context give them something to build on alex helped me launch my podcast he's a genius with sound sarah's an illustrator her work's got this wild surrealist vibe now they've got common ground something to start with so whether it's at a party a meeting or a casual coffee shop meetup don't throw people together and hope for the best add a hook mention a hobby a strength or something they share because a strong intro sets people up to connect technique 18 listen for hidden clues in what they say most people don't say what they want to talk about they hint at it and your job is to catch those hints if someone says "I'm buried in deadlines." That's not just small talk that's a door you could say "Sounds intense what kind of work are you doing right now?" That one line just turned a dead end into a real conversation the trick is simple listen for the words they drop without thinking a project a trip a win or something that's stressing them out these aren't random they're signals people light up when you catch them because it means you're paying attention it means the spotlight stays on them and that's where most people feel safest don't force a new topic don't overthink it just listen closely pick up the clue and follow the thread you don't need a new topic you just need to dig deeper into the one they already gave you technique 19 let the spotlight be on them you want to be interesting let the other person feel interesting when you meet someone picture a giant spotlight between you when you talk the lights on you when they talk the lights on them now here's the move keep the spotlight on them ask good questions say their name once echo back what they just said follow up with curiosity and they'll feel seen heard and valued even if you barely say a word the best part they'll walk away thinking you were great to talk to because people remember how you made them feel far more than what you said so next time you meet someone new don't rush to talk turn the spotlight and let them shine technique 20 paring you're talking to someone and then silence nothing you nod they pause you've got nothing here's your rescue move repeat their last word or phrase like a parrot imagine this i just got back from Argentina argentina yeah i spent two weeks hiking the Andes it was unreal that one word keeps the spotlight on them keeps the flow going and shows you're genuinely listening it works because people naturally open up when they feel heard you're not forcing the topic you're just inviting more technique 21 encore want to energize a group or keep a conversation alive without doing all the talking use this move ask someone to retell one of their best stories tell them about that time you got lost in Tokyo it's too good people love reliving stories where they felt admired clever or bold it boosts their confidence it lifts the whole group's mood and it makes you look generous like someone who sees the best in others this works especially well when you're introducing someone to new people instead of small talk they get to jump right into a moment where they shine technique 22 accentuate the positive when you meet someone for the first time leave the regrets and traffic complaints at the door you don't have to prove how real or raw you can be just keep it light and keep it positive mention something that went well today smile when you speak people can hear it in your voice why does it work because positivity is contagious when you highlight what's good you give people permission to feel good too with you that's the vibe they'll associate with your presence and they'll want more of it save the skeletons for later if they ever need to come out right now your job is simple accentuate the positive let the negative wait technique 23 have a fun fact ready when you head to a party or networking event don't just bring your business cards bring something to talk about scan the news skim a trending article grab a fun fact or two you only need one or two things in your back pocket to save a conversation when it starts to slow like did you hear about the guy who built the house out of recycled wine bottles and just like that you've got an instant icebreaker it works because most people hate awkward silences but few come prepared you show up with something light relevant or surprising and suddenly you're the one keeping things flowing part three how to talk like the big boys and girls once the small talk ends the real test begins people stop focusing on what you say and start judging how you say it your tone your timing your presence that's how they decide where you land on the social ladder this section teaches you how to speak with confidence and control you'll learn how to sound credible grounded and worth listening to in meetings dates or any important conversation technique 24 ask better questions than what do you do you've just met someone new there's a pause and then it comes out so what do you do it's boring transactional and for a lot of people it's awkward there are better ways to learn what someone's about try asking "How do you spend most of your time these days?" These feel more human more curious and they give people space to define themselves on their own terms not just by their job title when you do that people remember that you made them feel seen not judged technique 25 sum up what you do in one sentence so you didn't ask "What do you do?" Good now be ready when they ask you you need a nutshell resume one sentence that sums up what you do who you help and why it matters not a job title not a monologue just this i help entrepreneurs turn bland websites into sales machines and that's clear it's useful and most importantly it invites curiosity here's the trick adjust your answer based on who you're talking to if you're speaking to a potential client highlight the value if you're speaking to a potential friend highlight the fun that's how you make it land technique 26 upgrade the words you use want to sound more intelligent without trying harder start by upgrading your vocabulary not with big complicated words with better words sharper more specific more alive don't say good say brilliant spot-on well-crafted or insightful don't say nice try generous gracious or thoughtful you only need about 50 upgraded words to move from average to exceptional start by spotting the words you overuse then build your personal thesaurus a go-to list of replacements that feel more you and just like new shoes try them out see what fits great communicators don't just use words they choose them with precision personality and impact so start swapping one word a day and in 2 months you'll sound like the smartest person in the room without saying a single complicated thing technique 27 kill the quick me too you're in a conversation and someone says something you relate to your first instinct you can't help but jump in me too but hold up if you want to build real connection don't rush to reveal the common ground let them enjoy telling their story encourage them to keep going show curiosity give them the spotlight then once they've had their moment mention the shared interest why because jumping in too quickly can make you seem overly eager or worse like you're trying too hard to belong but when you hold back just a little your connection feels more grounded more genuine it's the difference between "Oh my god I love that too." And something slower like "That sounds amazing what got you into it?" Then later you know what's funny i actually do that too that timing changes everything so next time bite your tongue let them go first technique 28 communication here's one of the simplest ways to instantly become more likable start your sentences with you not I why because everyone's favorite topic is themselves when you lead with you you tap directly into their world and they feel it instead of saying "I love that dress," say "You look amazing in that dress." Instead of "I found this great Italian restaurant," try "You'd love this Italian place want to check it out tonight that one small shift shows you're focused on them not just talking at them even in writing it works change i had a great time at your party to you really threw a great party the other night it's warmer more personal and way more effective especially when asking for favors pitching ideas or building a real connection technique 29 don't smile at everyone the same way a smile is powerful but only when it feels personal if you give the same smile to everyone it quickly becomes background noise it feels rehearsed automatic meaningless but when your smile feels like it's just for them that's when it lands here's how you do it don't rush it let your smile arrive with a pause a moment of eye contact maybe a tiny head tilt as if this person just made your day that tells them "I don't smile like this for everyone but for you." Yeah this is the difference between a catalog model with the same frozen smile on every page and a real person who reacts with warmth presence and nuance and if you're in a group but want to connect with one person more than the others save your warmest most genuine smile for them that one gesture says more than words ever could technique 30 avoid cliches say it your way clichess don't just sound lazy they make you sound lazy phrases like "It is what it is," or "At the end of the day," might sound safe but they also sound flat they make people stop listening before you've even said anything meaningful great communicators don't rely on recycled lines they speak in images in moments in things you can feel not templates instead of saying "I was over the moon," try something more personal like "I was smiling like I just won the lottery." It paints a picture it sounds like you and it makes people lean in not check out so next time you're tempted to grab a tired phrase pause say it your way because original phrasing signals original thinking technique 31 speak in phrases that stick want to sound clever sharp and charismatic even in everyday conversations then talk like a jawsmith not a wordssmith that's someone who writes well but a jawsmith speaks well they craft phrases that pop stick and land with impact great speakers don't use fancier words just better phrasing they use rhythm metaphor and contrast to make simple ideas unforgettable instead of "I was really nervous," say "I felt like I was walking a tight rope over a shark tank." Instead of she's smart try she's got a brain that runs faster than Google lines like these paint pictures and people remember pictures so build your own little collection funny lines sharp turns of phrase lines that stick memorize a few invent a few let them roll off your tongue when the moment feels right just make sure they're relevant because when humor and insight come together people lean in they smile and they listen longer technique 32 be direct not vague ever catch yourself softening your words to sound polite like saying "Yeah it's challenging." instead of just saying "It's difficult." Or calling someone financially comfortable when you really mean rich you do it because you think it sounds nicer but avoiding clear words doesn't make you polite it makes you vague and vague doesn't build trust when you hide behind euphemisms you don't sound considerate you sound unsure if something is hard say it's hard if a deal fell apart say it not that it evolved people respect clarity it shows you're confident honest that doesn't mean you need to be rude it just means stop dressing your message in fluff because when your words are clear your intent is clear and in communication clarity is credibility technique 33 don't joke at someone else's expense ever made a joke that got a laugh but left someone a little quiet that's the danger of teasing it might seem harmless even fun but when the punchline comes at someone else's expense it usually backfires sure you might get a quick laugh but at what cost you risk looking insecure or worse like someone who tries to feel bigger by making others feel smaller especially when you're around new people teasing is a gamble what you see as playful might feel like an attack to someone else you might mean it as a light joke but they might hear it as criticism or even a warning this person might laugh at me next the truth is confident people don't need to poke fun to connect they build connection through respect not mockery they earn trust first and joke later once they know the relationship is strong enough to handle it so skip the sarcasm instead of going for the cheap laugh go for something real a genuine comment a shared experience or a simple question it makes people feel safe around you and that's what really makes you someone they want to be around technique 34 focus on how your words are received delivering bad news isn't the problem it's how you deliver it that makes all the difference you might think you're just stating facts being honest or keeping things neutral but in communication your intention doesn't matter nearly as much as the other person's interpretation people don't respond to logic they respond to how it feels so next time you have to deliver bad news feedback or anything emotionally loaded don't just focus on getting it off your chest focus on the impact on the other person watch their reaction are they tensing up fidgeting going quiet that's the sign it's time to adjust slow down soften your tone add a little warmth or empathy even if the message itself can't be softened because how you deliver the message determines how well they hear it think of it like passing a ball a good thrower doesn't just send it in a straight line they aim for the receiver they match the pace and the distance same with communication it only lands when it's delivered in a way they can receive so before you speak ask yourself where are they emotionally right now that's what great communicators do they don't just speak they deliver technique 35 stand your ground with calm repetition you've already said no you've already explained but the other person keeps circling back pushing prying pressing for more from you that's when the pressure starts to rise most people either give in lose their composure or start overexlaining don't instead do what highle communicators do pick your response and repeat it word for word same tone no new explanations no added emotion just the same line i've already shared where I stand and say nothing let the silence speak it's calm it's clear and it works this subtle repetition sends a powerful message i'm grounded i've already answered i'm not budging because you're not escalating it doesn't invite conflict just quiet persistence eventually the pressure fades and the conversation shifts used well this is one of the most respectful and effective tools to protect your time energy and peace without raising your voice or breaking the connection technique 36 respect don't idolize you meet someone you admire a best-selling author a CEO a celebrity your heart's beating fast your brain's racing you want to say something anything that doesn't come off as awkward so what do you do here's what not to do don't shower them with compliments don't go on and on about how amazing they are or how much their work changed your life it might feel sincere but it puts you in the position of a fan not an equal instead keep it cool mention something specific you appreciated ideally something recent maybe their latest podcast got you thinking or a line in their book hit you at just the right moment be brief be real then move on that shows respect without putting them on a pedestal it says "I respect you but I'm not here to idolize you i'm someone worth talking to." Because big players don't try too hard to impress they connect calmly confidently as equals technique 37 always say why you're thankful imagine someone holds the elevator for you you rush in say "Thanks and stare at the numbers." He nods the moment's gone now imagine this instead thanks for holding that that was close they smile you both feel it that's the difference gratitude isn't just about saying thank you it's about making someone feel appreciated saying thank you is a good start sure it's polite but on its own it's forgettable if you want your appreciation to actually land and last don't let your thank you stand alone always add a reason thanks for waiting for me thank you for trusting me with that that small detail shows you noticed not just the action but the effort it tells the other person "I saw that i appreciated it you mattered." When your thank you has meaning it turns into a moment of recognition part four how to be an insider in any crowd walking into a group where everyone seems to get it except you is intimidating but you don't need to fake confidence or pretend to know it all this part is about learning the right cues terms and questions to blend into any group fast so you go from outsider to insider in minutes technique 38 expose yourself to new worlds ever been in a conversation where you had nothing to say different world different background total blank most people only know how to talk about what they already do their hobbies their job their usual circle so when they meet someone from a different world they hit a wall here's how to fix that once a month try something completely outside your routine take a dance class attend a lecture on astrophysics even if you don't understand half of it go to a jazz night even if you don't know a single song you're not doing it to become an expert just to get exposure because with just one experience your brain picks up 80% of the language and context you need to hold a basic conversation and suddenly when you meet someone who is in that world you don't blank out you ask sharper questions you relate faster you connect and the more diverse your experience is it the more connected you become to anyone anywhere technique 39 learn a few words from their world want to make people feel like you're one of them then speak their language even just a little every profession hobby or group has its own jargon and when you use even one or two of them correctly something happens you show respect you signal familiarity you build instant connection you're not pretending to be an expert just showing you care enough to learn if you're heading to an event full of doctors architects or developers don't show up empty take 5 minutes to Google their world pick up just a handful of terms just enough to ask one smart specific question instead of "So you code?" Try are you working on front-end projects right now or more backend it's a tiny shift but suddenly you don't sound like an outsider anymore leia Louns calls this job the language of the tribe you're talking to and mastering just a little of it can change the whole conversation you become more relatable more memorable and way more fun to talk to technique 40 ask about the big debates in their world want to get someone talking not just politely chatting but actually opening up then find what gets them fired up every field has its passionate debates the kind that lead to real conversation among insiders what's the current controversy the exciting trend the thing everyone in that world has an opinion on you don't need to be an expert but if you can ask a smart question about what's buzzing in their world they'll light up for example ask a designer what they think of a new minimalist design movement mention a real estate regulation that just changed bring up the latest shift in education policy it shows two things that you respect their work enough to be curious and that you came prepared which in any conversation goes a long way technique 41 read what they read before you meet if you know you'll be around people from a specific field whether it's economists filmmakers developers or even marine biologists take five minutes to read what they read skim a blogs watch a TED talk scroll through a few headlines in their space you don't need to know everything just get a feel for what's trending in their world what's new what's frustrating what's got people talking when you show up already a little in the loop you ask better questions you sound more thoughtful you make smarter comments and you earn instant credibility speaking even a little of their language makes them feel understood and more comfortable around you it's a tiny prep work but it turns small talk into smart talk technique 42 learn the local social rules when you're heading into a new culture whether for business or social reasons take time to learn the local rules of connection because what's polite in your country might be awkward or even rude somewhere else a handshake a compliment even giving a gift these small gestures don't always mean the same thing everywhere in Japan an expensive gift might embarrass someone in China writing someone's name in red ink is linked to death and bad luck but when you understand the customs everything flows more smoothly and more importantly it shows respect you're not just a visitor you're someone who took the time to understand so before your next trip look up a quick guide read the local dos and don'ts a few minutes of prep now can save you from awkward moments later technique 43 do your homework before you negotiate when you walk into a negotiation don't act like it's your first time even if it is vendors contractors service providers they all speak a certain language and they treat people differently depending on whether they think you're an outsider or someone who knows the game that's why one of the smartest moves you can make is simple do your homework before you buy anything big a new computer a service a redesign a renovation talk to people in that world ask a few smart questions learn the basic terms get a rough idea of what things usually cost you don't need to be an expert you just need to know enough to ask smart questions and avoid rookie mistakes because vendors treat insiders differently they respect confidence they expect questions from people who've done some research even a few wellplaced phrases can change the entire tone of the conversation in the real world it's often not about what you know it's about what they think you know part five why we're just alike we naturally trust people who feel familiar people who seem to think like us feel like us and see the world like we do that's why this section is all about mirroring someone's mindset energy and emotions in ways that feel natural and genuine because when someone thinks you're like me they relax open up and connect faster technique 44 be a copycat if you want someone to feel more comfortable around you try mirroring them not in what you say but in how you move speak and carry yourself it's subtle it's silent and it works watch how they carry themselves are their gestures big or controlled do they speak fast or slow loud or soft do they sit forward with energy or lean back relaxed without exaggerating start to match their tone pace and posture because when two people move and speak in sync it triggers something powerful familiarity safety belonging think of it like dancing if they're doing a slow waltz and you burst into a break dance it breaks the flow but if you move to their rhythm even just a little the connection deepens they won't know why they'll just feel like you get them technique 45 use their words to build trust if you want someone to feel like you really get them don't just listen echo people naturally trust those who speak their language literally that means using their exact words when you can if they call their company a firm you call it a firm if they say "I'm buried in deadlines." Don't translate it to "I know you're busy." Reflect it back yeah sounds like the deadlines are really stacking up it works because their brain hears their world in your mouth that creates comfort and trust and it's not just about words match their tone their pace even the rhythm of their sentences if they speak in a short punchy style do the same if they're slow and thoughtful take your time mirroring language isn't mimickry it's alignment and it happens one word at a time technique 46 use metaphors from their world the fastest way to connect with someone speak their language not just with words but with imagery not just any images theirs people don't think in facts they think in pictures so if you want to be remembered tie your ideas to metaphors that come from their world it makes your message more vivid and more personal talking to a surfer say "Let's ride this wave while it's high." to a musician this plan hits all the right notes to a cook this project just needs a little more seasoning when your words reflect their language their passion their identity they don't just understand they feel understood and they remember you technique 47 use words that show you care imagine a friend says they just lost a big opportunity instead of "Oh no," like you're on autopilot try "That must have really hurt were you expecting it?" It's just a few words but it tells them "I'm not just listening i'm with you." These are empathizers short intentional phrases that do more than show you're listening they show you care try things like "That must have been really frustrating sounds like that hit you hard what did you do next?" When people feel truly heard they trust you more they open up they remember you technique 48 match their sensory language everyone experiences the world through different senses some people need to see things others need to hear them and some have to feel them out if you want to make someone feel instantly understood mirror their dominant sense the trick listen to the words they use people give themselves away without realizing it if they say "I see what you mean," they're visual use phrases like that paints a clear picture or I can see that if they say that sounds good they're auditory try that sounds right or I hear you if they say I've got a gut feeling or it just feels right they're kinesthetic try that feels like the right move or I get where you're coming from it's called sensory matching and it works fast because when someone hears their own language reflected back to them it clicks they don't just feel heard they feel seen felt understood and that's one of the fastest ways to build trust and connection without saying much at all technique 49 say we to feel like a team want to make someone feel closer to you even if you just met use the word we when two people say we or us it sends a strong signal we're not strangers we're already a team it might seem small but that one word can create a shift in mindset the sooner you use it the faster you create connection for example you and someone are eyeing the dessert table at a party don't say "This looks great." Say "Looks like they're trying to make us gain 5 kilos tonight." That one word us creates shared language shared language creates shared experience and shared experience builds trust whether you're saying we've got a good rhythm going or this would be perfect for us that early we is a shortcut to connection technique 50 create a shared moment on the spot want to turn a stranger into a friend faster than usual give yourselves a shared past instantly it doesn't need to be deep or dramatic it just has to be mutual just notice something you both experienced in the moment and turn it into a shared reference like "I feel like we're the only ones here who dressed up." Or "I thought the music was going to blow the speakers." It might seem small but those small observations do something powerful they create instant history a sense of we've already been through something together and that turns to small talk into connection next time you see them bring it up again hey remember that insane dessert at last week's event that one call back becomes an in joke and those in jokes become glue that's how small moments become the start of real connection part six the power of praise the folly of flattery compliments can unlock trust or kill it this part breaks down how to praise someone in a way that feels real thoughtful and memorable you'll also learn what research says about who compliments land best from and how to avoid sounding fake even when you mean it technique 51 let praise reach them indirectly sometimes saying a compliment directly can backfire the person might question your motives are you being sincere or just trying to get on my good side that's why this technique works so well if you want your praise to truly land don't say it to the person directly instead say it to someone else who you know will repeat it when someone overhears that you said something kind about them and you didn't say it to their face it feels more genuine because they weren't supposed to know that makes it feel honest it also saves you from sounding like someone trying too hard to impress and it leaves them with a lasting impression that you've probably praised them to others too technique 52: Deliver the compliment they didn't hear back in wartime carrier pigeons braved storms and gunfire just to deliver a single message today there's no battlefield but your message still matters only now it's not coordinates you're carrying it's compliments whenever you overhear someone say something positive about a colleague a friend or even a stranger don't keep it to yourself deliver it be the one who spreads the kind words hey I thought you'd like to know Sarah was really impressed with your report or I overheard James say your presentation really nailed it thought you'd like to hear that it seems small but most people rarely get to hear the good things said behind their backs so when you pass it along it hits deeper it doesn't just make their day it makes you the kind of person people remember and trust because while everyone else spreads gossip you spread gold and in every room people remember the one who brought them good news technique 53 let compliments slip naturally the strongest compliments often don't sound like compliments at all they slip out naturally as if you weren't even trying that's what makes them powerful instead of saying "You look amazing," say something like "You've clearly been keeping up your routine you look like someone who never misses a workout." This isn't just a compliment it's an assumption of excellence it feels spontaneous real like admiration just slipped out mid-thought and that's why people believe it people are more open to praise when it doesn't come with a spotlight no big declarations no awkward thank you dance just a quiet signal that says "I noticed something great." But timing and tone matter because if you're clumsy or backhanded it'll blow up in your face like saying "For someone who's usually quiet you're surprisingly interesting." Sounds like a compliment but it lands like an insult so here's the move let your admiration feel unintentional let it slip into the conversation like it just popped into your head because when it feels real it sticks technique 54 make praise feel unintentional the compliments people remember most are the ones you didn't mean to give they slip out mid thought like something you didn't mean to say out loud and that's what makes them land this trick is simple bury the praise inside a bigger point as if it just came out naturally like this well you probably wouldn't have made that mistake you're way too sharp for that it doesn't feel like flattery it sounds honest like you couldn't help but say it and that's what makes it land deeper technique 55 give the one compliment they'll never forget want to make sure someone never forgets you then don't give just any compliment give the compliment the one that hits deep it's not about saying something generic like "You're smart." or "You seem nice." It's about noticing a genuine quality the kind most people overlook you might say "That question you asked earlier completely changed how I looked at the topic it lands because it's specific it only applies to them." Private shared one-on-one not performed for attention credible it feels earned not exaggerated rare they've probably never heard it before the best time to give it right at the end of the conversation when they least expect it say their name look them in the eye and share the one thing you noticed about them something uniquely them it only takes a few seconds but it's the kind of moment people carry with them for years technique 56 give small sincere compliments often never underestimate the impact of a quick sincere compliment you don't need a big moment or a perfect speech sometimes just a few words are enough to make someone's day nice work you really nailed that you look sharp today these quick compliments may seem small but they stick with people people often wonder silently did anyone even notice and those words say yes you don't have to wait for a big win or a dramatic reveal just drop small bits of recognition throughout the day at work at home in line at the coffee shop each little moment might feel small at the time but over time they build loyalty connection and trust technique 57 react with instant praise right after someone does something great they're riding that emotional high that is your moment timing is everything with praise it loses power the longer you wait but in that instant a genuine reaction hits hardest so react immediately don't overthink it don't hold back let your genuine reaction slip out wow that was incredible wait too long and it sounds calculated but in the moment it feels honest and unforgettable technique 58 accept praise then reflect it back when someone gives you a compliment don't brush it off or get awkward that's what most people do they deflect praise but confident people do something different they reflect it so when someone says "Great presentation," don't say "Oh it was nothing." Don't wave it away like it doesn't matter instead say "Thanks your question at the end really helped bring it all together now you've done two powerful things you received the compliment with grace and kept the moment alive by giving genuine appreciation in return think of it like a boomerang you catch the compliment then return it with sincerity not to flatter but to offer recognition technique 59 the tombstone game everyone wants to feel seen for who they really are deep down we all carry an image of ourselves something we're proud of something we want to be remembered for want to give someone the most powerful compliment they'll ever receive ask "If you could choose one sentence to go on your tombstone what would it be?" Or a softer version what do you hope people remember you for their answer reveals what matters most to them their identity at the core then don't mention it again just remember it weeks later when the moment is right praise them for that exact quality not you're smart or you're kind but if connection was their answer say "You really bring people together." That's not a compliment that's recognition and it hits deeper than anything else you could say because you're not just praising who they are you're affirming the version of themselves they most want to be part seven direct dial their hearts when people can't see you like on a call your voice does all the work this part teaches you how to make someone feel emotionally close using just your tone pacing and phrasing because even without body language you can still build real connection technique 60 let your voice carry the emotion when you're face to face communication is a full body experience people can read your smile your posture the way you raise an eyebrow but over the phone none of that gets through that's why your voice has to carry it all smile even if they can't see it it shows up in your tone use your hands when you talk your gestures will shape your rhythm your pauses your energy even your eyebrows matter when you raise them it helps your tone sound more expressive and don't keep reactions in your head react out loud nod silently in person say "M got it." on the phone every non-verbal cue you'd give face to face needs a vocal version when you're not in the room so turn your call into a performance not exaggerated just alive think of it like you're hosting a radio show for an audience of one bring a little more energy than usual just enough to make your voice feel alive even without body language they won't see a thing but they'll feel everything technique 61 use their name to build connection want to make people feel instantly closer to you say their name not just once at the beginning or again at the end use it naturally throughout the conversation hearing your own name lights up your brain it grabs your attention it makes you feel acknowledged and it builds warmth fast in fact using someone's name is the verbal equivalent of strong eye contact it makes them feel seen and when you're on the phone where body language disappears this becomes even more important so instead of just saying thanks say thanks Michael instead of I see what you mean try I see what you mean Sarah just be careful not to overdo it used too often it feels robotic but used well it builds trust signals presence and makes you more memorable technique 62 light up when they show up when someone walks up to you or gives you a call your reaction is everything don't just greet them light up not with a fake smile but with the kind of lift in your face that say "You just made my day." A warm surprise tone "Hey I wasn't expecting you so good to see you." Creates instant connection because people remember how you react to them even more than what you say that kind of welcome makes them feel important valued and seen this technique is about rewarding people for showing up not after the conversation begins but in the very first second that kind of reaction is rare and when it's real it's unforgettable technique 63 screen calls without sounding cold let's say you're working at a front desk assisting an executive sometimes someone calls asking to speak with a person who's not available and you need to screen the call but without making the caller feel shut out what not to do ask coldly "Who's calling?" or "What's this about it's cold." It feels like a gate slamming shut instead soften the screen keep it warm and polite say something like "Absolutely i'll put you right through may I tell them who's calling?" This does two smart things at once one you get the information you need two the caller feels acknowledged not interrogated now even if the person isn't actually available you follow up with "Ah they've just stepped out for a moment can I take a message or have them call you back you're still screening but it doesn't feel like it it feels like service you create the experience of being welcomed and respected even while protecting someone's time technique 64 treat their inner circle with respect sometimes when you call someone they don't pick up but someone else does their spouse assistant a teammate don't ignore them they're part of that person's inner circle and how you treat them matters more than you think a simple polite greeting like "Hi I'm sorry to bother you." or "Thanks for picking up" sets the tone for the entire call and if the person you're speaking with mentions their partner their kids or their dog say something kind even a quick "Sounds like a great family." Shows you're listening and you care because when you compliment someone's loved ones you're subtly complimenting them by extension you're saying "I see what matters to you and I respect it." And when people feel respected they remember you in a good way remember the person answering the phone may not be the decision maker but they absolutely influence how the decision maker feels about you technique 65 check in before you dive in when you call someone don't dive right into your message start with a simple check-in hey is this a good time to talk that one line does a lot it shows you respect their schedule their space and their state of mind because people color their time differently some are in green time open relaxed ready to talk others are in red time busy distracted mentally somewhere else you never know if they're in a meeting handling a mess or taking a mental break by checking in first you let them decide if now is right or to reschedule without pressure and if now is not a good time they'll respect you more for asking you avoid coming across as intrusive and it sets the tone for better communication where both sides are actually present technique 66 let your voicemail sound alive your voicemail might seem like a small detail but it sends a big message it says more about you than you think when someone calls and hits your greeting what they hear shouldn't sound generic if your tone is flat or your message hasn't been updated in weeks it can feel like you've checked out instead record a short friendly professional greeting and update it regularly even something as simple as "Hi it's Monday the 9th i'll get back to you soon." Shows you're organized aware and on top of things and don't overpolish it a little breath a natural pause even a slight imperfection makes you sound more human more real a fresh voicemail doesn't just say "I'm organized." It says "I show up." Technique 67 leave a message that gets a response when you leave a voicemail you're not just dropping a message you're auditioning in fact you've got about 10 seconds before they decide "Do I want to call this person back or not?" So before the beep take a breath clear your throat and when it's go time sound like someone worth talking to deliver your message with energy clarity and confidence not flat not robotic smile while you speak people can hear it treat that beep like a casting call and make those 10 seconds count technique 68 use casual language to get past the screen trying to reach someone important but a secretary answers the phone you've got one shot to sound like you belong or get screened out like everyone else skip the formal tone if you say "May I speak to Miss Jenkins please?" That's polite sure but they'll spot you as an outsider right away instead go casual like you're already in their circle say "Hi is she in?" as if you were old friends that one word "She," sends a subtle message we already know each other it sounds ordinary but it's strategic you're getting past the gate by sounding like you've already been inside and if you're leaving a voicemail instead don't just say "Hey call me back." Instead add a touch of curiosity hey I had a quick idea you might like short casual intriguing a little familiarity opens doors a little curiosity gets you a call back technique 69 acknowledge what's happening in their world if you're on a call and you hear background noise like another phone ringing a baby crying someone talking in the background don't ignore it acknowledge it say "Sounds like your other line and want to take it and call me back." Or "Is that your little one i can let you go if you need." This small gesture shows emotional intelligence it tells the other person you're not just listening to their words you're paying attention to their world it turns a regular call into a moment of human connection and if you're speaking with someone in another time zone always consider their schedule say "Good evening," or "I hope your morning's going well." It's a small gesture but it shows respect for their reality and that's the part people remember technique 70 record yourself to sharpen your communication you don't always hear yourself the way others do but if you want to improve how you communicate especially over the phone one of the best things you can do is record and review with permission of course when necessary you miss a lot in the moment but you catch everything in the replay when you listen back focus on tone did you sound calm confident interested pacing were you rushing rambling too flat warmth did you come across as someone who actually cares clarity were your points easy to follow just like athletes study game footage to sharpen their skills great communicators study how they sound and grow from it part eight how to work a party like a politician works a room if you've ever felt lost at a networking event this part is for you you'll learn how to show up at any event with purpose who to talk to what to say and how to make sure people remember you when opportunities come up later technique 71 eat before you network at a party you have to choose are you here to eat or to connect you can't really do both if your goal is to meet people don't camp out by the buffet table holding a drink in one hand and a plate in the other makes you look busy and less approachable no one wants to interrupt someone midbite so skip the buffet eat before you arrive so you can move freely shake hands and make eye contact you're not stuck awkwardly juggling snacks and a drink you're open and ready to connect it might sound small but it sends a clear signal i'm available i'm approachable i'm here to engage and sometimes that one choice is the difference between leaving unnoticed or leaving with a powerful new connection technique 72 pause and scan the room with confidence the moment you walk into a room you're already making an impression even before you speak so don't rush in like you're late or lost don't walk in and fade into the crowd pause at the entrance look around scan the energy of the room like someone who belongs there let your eyes slowly sweep across the space not in a panicked way like you're looking for someone to cling to but in a calm composed way like a confident host checking on their guests notice the lighting the layout where the food and drinks are but most importantly who's already there that few seconds gives you the info you need to match the mood and move with purpose instead of walking in blind technique 73 make the first move at most events people stand around waiting hoping someone interesting will notice them but if you want to make real connections don't wait to be noticed make the first move instead of hanging around by the bar or sticking with someone you already know scan the room spot someone intriguing maybe they're laughing at a story or standing alone for a moment and walk over with confidence introduce yourself start the conversation this single shift changes how people see you and how you see yourself you're no longer a guest waiting for a chance you're the one creating it it shows presence confidence and quiet power and the person you're hoping to meet the one who could change your career become a mentor or turn into a lifelong friend they're not going to magically find you in the crowd you find them technique 74 stand open to be more inviting before you say a word your body's already doing the talking and at a party posture is either an invitation or a barrier if you want people to approach you your body needs to say "I'm open." That means arms relaxed at your sides palms visible chest open avoid crossing your arms hiding your hands in your pockets or holding your drink like a shield want to increase your chances of meeting people stand near the entrance everyone walks by eventually and your open posture will do the inviting for you technique 75 remember the little things that matter everyone wants to feel like they matter that's why remembering small details is such a big deal remember their dog's name their favorite wine the vacation they were excited about then bring it up the next time you see them it shows you listened it shows you cared enough to remember and that's what makes you stand out this is how politicians build loyalty they track small personal details and bring them up later like headline news even months later they'll say "Did you ever try that hiking trail?" You don't need a perfect memory just write it down in a notes app a contact card or wherever you'll find it again because when someone realizes you remembered what mattered to them you become unforgettable technique 76 record what matters you don't need a perfect memory you just need a smart system right after you meet someone take a few seconds to make a quick note of a personal detail on the back of their business card or in your notes app it could be anything their favorite restaurant a hobby they mentioned where they grew up a phrase or joke they told anything that stood out then next time you reach out whether by phone email or in person bring it up casually i finally tried that pizzeria you mentioned you were right it's incredible that small moment of recognition has a big impact most people are used to being forgotten so when you bring up something personal even after weeks or even months you stand out it's a simple habit a 5-second note today can turn a brief encounter into a lasting connection technique 77 end the conversation gracefully when you're chatting at an event it's easy to get caught up in your own words and sure people might smile and nod but their eyes tell the real story if you notice them glancing around the room fidgeting shifting their stance or breaking eye contact that's your signal they're distracted or ready to move on and that's okay it just means the moment is coming to a close instead of clinging to it wrap things up with grace give them an easy out say something like "I'll let you circulate it was great catching up." You preserve the connection and you leave on a high note so sometimes the most thoughtful move is knowing when to step away part nine little tricks of big winners sometimes it's the small social moves that leave the biggest impression like being the first to applaud bringing back a story that got interrupted or subtly giving someone credit in front of their boss in this final section you'll learn the low-key habits that build quiet authority earn lasting respect and shape how others respond to you without ever needing to dominate the room technique 78 handle awkward moments with class when someone messes up in public spills a drink drops their phone stumbles over a word here's what you do absolutely nothing keep talking keep smiling let the moment pass like it never happened because the fastest way to make someone feel small is to draw attention to their embarrassment even unintentionally your job let them save face if someone knocks over their coffee don't overreact keep chatting as you casually help clean it up if they mispronounce something let it slide and respond naturally the goal isn't to pretend you didn't see it it's to make them feel like it didn't matter that's social elegance that's grace under pressure and it's the kind of ease that makes people feel safe around you technique 79 keep the spotlight on the storyteller you're in a group conversation someone's telling a story they've got momentum everyone's engaged and then they get interrupted a server walks up the moment gets hijacked and the storyteller is left hanging mid-sentence most people let it drop but you don't this is your chance to shine once the interruption passes gently bring the spotlight back wait I want to hear how that story ended that small gesture makes a huge impact you're saying your story mattered i was listening and people remember that technique 80 always show what's in it for them whenever you ask for someone's time attention or help remember this they're not just hearing your words they're silently asking "What's in it for me?" Your job is to answer that question before they have to ask whether it's a coffee invite a pitch or a favor show them how it benefits them even if it's subtle try something like "I'd love your thoughts on this and it could be a great way to showcase your expertise." Be honest not sneaky it's hiding your motives that makes people suspicious so if there's something in it for you too say so being direct builds trust so next time you make an ask don't just focus on what you want show them what they get technique 81 give them time to feel good about helping when someone agrees to do you a favor don't jump on it immediately pause give them a moment to enjoy feeling generous because part of the satisfaction of helping someone comes before the help is even given it's in the anticipation the feeling of being useful and valued but if you jump in right after they agree the whole thing starts to feel like a transaction it takes the generosity out of it but if you wait the dynamic shifts it feels like a gift so how long should you wait at least 24 hours that small delay gives them time to feel good about saying yes and it makes the favor feel like something they wanted to do not something they had to do so next time someone says yes to helping you let them savor the favor before you make the next move technique 82 give wait then give back when someone does you a favor your instinct might be to repay it right away don't instant payback turns a generous gesture into a transaction like you're settling a debt not expressing real appreciation instead pause let some time pass let your gratitude sit and feel real then when the moment's right return the favor in a way that feels thoughtful not obligatory that's what builds long-term goodwill it feels generous not calculated and if you're the one doing the favor same rule as La Louns writes "When you do someone a favor and it's obvious that he owes you one wait a suitable amount of time before asking him to pay let him enjoy the fact or fiction that you did it out of friendship don't rush to collect the return favor technique 83 don't bring problems to a celebration when someone's celebrating a birthday a promotion or a big win that's their moment it's not the time to bring up complaints criticism or even a small request no matter how valid your point is bad timing can make you seem disconnected they won't hear your message they'll only remember that you ruined the moment this is what La Lounge calls a safe haven a social setting where even rivals keep things light they smile they nod and they save the serious stuff for another day so next time you're at someone's party or celebrating a win with them don't bring the clouds technique 84 don't bring tension to the table there's a time for tough conversations dinner isn't it when you sit down to eat with someone especially someone important keep it light brainstorm ideas share dreams explore possibilities but save the complaints negotiations and hard decisions for later breaking bread is a ritual it's about connection not confrontation technique 85 don't pitch during a random encounter run into someone by surprise keep it light bump into a client at the cafe spot a big contact at the gym don't bring up business don't make the moment about you random encounters aren't the time to pitch negotiate or ask for favors they're for a smile a kind word and moving on because trying to capitalize on a random encounter can make you seem opportunistic but showing warmth showing respect for their space that makes you memorable for the right reasons later when the timing is better they'll remember how you handled that moment and they'll be more open because you showed class when it counted technique 86 check in before you start working you're about to kick off a project with someone you're ready to go but they're not maybe they had a rough morning maybe something personal is distracting them or maybe they're just stressed and not mentally present if you ignore that and push forward they won't really be present for the work so before diving in check in hey you seem a bit off today want to talk about it for a second or simply all good before we dive in let them clear their mental space don't rush it just listen because once that emotional static is gone you'll have their full focus technique 87 start with empathy not logic imagine you're in a meeting a big proposal just got rejected and one of your teammates raises his voice why are we always the last to know anything around here now your instinct might be to calm things down with logic it's okay we'll figure something out but that won't land they're not ready for logic they're having an emotional reaction and until that energy is acknowledged they won't hear a word of your solution so instead of jumping to facts start with feelings yeah that's got to be incredibly frustrating you're not exaggerating you're not encouraging the outburst you're just showing that you get how they feel once someone feels heard the tension drops now they're open to thinking clearly and that's when you can step in with solutions this works in meetings it works in relationships it works with customers and kids anytime emotions are running high mirror the feeling before you offer facts that's what diffuses tension without confrontation technique 88 use mistakes to strengthen the relationship let's say you miss an important Zoom call with a client you forgot the time and now they've wasted 20 minutes staring at a blank screen a simple "So sorry about that," isn't enough you've just cost them time and trust but here's the move after your apology offer them something unexpected a free resource they'll value a shortcut you found a small upgrade even a helpful article they'd actually use now instead of walking away frustrated they walk away with more than they expected the goal isn't just to fix the mistake it's to turn it into something they're grateful for actually I'm kind of glad that happened small mistake small win big mistake big win when done right it doesn't just fix the relationship it actually makes it stronger technique 89 correct gracefully not publicly imagine you're working on a team project but in the meeting your colleague pitches your idea as their own you're angry rightfully so but instead of calling them out in front of everyone you choose not to react later you casually say "Hey I'm glad that idea landed well next time maybe we can pitch it together." You just gave them a smooth way out a way to save face without turning it into a public takedown this isn't weakness it's about strategy you're showing you're not petty impulsive and not easily provoked you protect your image while making your point and if the betrayal is serious you still walk away but with your dignity intact you don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset you stay calm and they never get another chance technique 90 don't just think "Help them get recognized." Picture this a receptionist goes out of their way to squeeze you into a packed schedule or a barista remembers your name and your exact order most people just say "Thanks." and move on but you're not most people you pause and ask "Hey who's your manager i'd love to let them know how great you were." Then you actually follow through with a quick email a message or even a handwritten note it's simple sincere and specific now here's the real move copy the person you're praising that one small detail makes all the difference they don't just hear about the compliment they see it so does their boss and suddenly you've done something most people never do you made them look good in front of the person who matters that kind of praise is rare it's generous and it makes you unforgettable technique 91 be the first to clap nod or cheer let's say you're sitting in a packed room a presentation a team meeting or even a toast at a wedding the speaker wraps up their point silence everyone's looking around unsure what to do you clap first you nod with approval you say "Well said." That one gesture shifts the room others follow the speaker relaxes the energy lifts because you let it great communicators guide the mood pace and response of the crowd even in casual settings and when you're the one speaking don't just talk guide how they feel use tone pacing and storytelling to bring people with you make them laugh make them pause make them lean in that's how great communicators lead the room not just fill it with words technique 92 be aware of your social score life is a game and everyone has an invisible score floating above their head not a real one but a social score a scoreboard that's constantly updating based on how people perceive you you walk into a room one person speaks and everyone listens that's the scorecard at work in Japan social rank is shown in the angle of a bow the higher your status the smaller your bow in other cultures it's more subtle it shows in how people greet you how closely they listen whether they wait or interrupt who takes the lead and who follows great communicators understand this before they speak text call or even shake someone's hand they ask themselves "Who has more to gain here who's in the higher position socially professionally or emotionally how do I raise my score?" That number above your head is always in motion every word every gesture every interaction nudges it up or down so play smart stay aware and when it matters most make the move that keeps you in control
do you struggle with storytelling I want to share with you seven storytelling secrets that's going to unlock the Storyteller in you I've been teaching communication skills and storytelling now for over a decade I've spoken on thousands of stages and I work with some of the biggest companies in the world this stuff has been tried and tested it works let's get into it so my question is I've been trying to tell my personal stories to my clients and they're coming to consult me to help them with their issues I'm imagining myself sharing a personal story okay and I'm just imagining the client just kind of like gazing at me and wondering what's why am I telling the this irrelevant story to them so pretend I'm one of your patients pretend I'm one of your patients and share a personal story and try to link it to me and let's just use this as a testing ground and we will Workshop it as we go and I think this is going to be very beneficial for everyone here because now you get to see how the sausage is made what kind of clients normally come to you what are they coming to you for what's the issue I'm a physical therapist so they come to me to solve our pains so say I've got uh I've got back pain tell your story link it best you can and then I'll uh then I'll start to put the sausage together with you I'll count you down so three two go for it all right so the story is in 2017 I went on a trip to New Zealand and um we were doing a road trip with another couple friends and on the third day I was starting to be really tired and cranky and it was actually a very special trip for me and my fiance at the time but I was so hangry and tired at the time that there's one night so I would have to specify that on that trip on the beginning of the trip my uh my fiance proposed to me and on the third day I was so tired and cranky that I started having an argument with him to the point of me throwing a flip-flop at his face so that my story I'd say um okay I have no idea how to link that to back pain okay okay got it got it got it I love it love it okay so I just I was typing a couple of quick thoughts okay so the thing is first of all before we find the link this story is amazing I love it there's so much drama so much intensity here uh one thing I want you to just take note of in the story is that uh when you were hungry give me a little bit of dialogue on what you were both saying before you threw the flip-flop at his face so he say I was angry I was tired right and all of a sudden you know he said this and then say what he said and then and then I said this and then say what you said and I was so I did you threw the flipflop and hit him in the face so I just want to say that that's a that's a main point CU that takes the story to another level of uh engagement and then the link I I really think the link here is really clear in that when you're not feeling your best you're not the best vers version of you that you can be whether it's hry whether you had sore feet you can add that you know we're doing a lot of walking I had sore feet I was hungry I was tired I was in pain and you at the end of the story you can say you can say VN the reason I'm telling you this story is because if we don't address some of the things that cause us pain whether it's hunger pains or whether it's pain that we feel in our feet it causes us to be going through life irritated sometimes treating the people we love most with a slap in the face with a thong so I want to help you improve upon the pains that you feel in your life because I know what that's going to do is is going to help you lead a happier and more fulfilling life so that you can be the best version of you sh up as the best version of you and that you don't throw thongs in people's faces wellin that's so good you're hired right yeah thank you thank you thank you very much indeed it would be it would be weird if I was uh be weird if I was at this but I think I think the most important thing is I want you to do that again and then just give it a try okay and just give it a try and you can add in there if you're in New Zealand were you doing hiking in New Zealand did you do some hiking yeah great so your feet are sore my feet was sore I had hunger pains and one of the most beautiful moments of my life but you know what we had an argument and then play the scene what did you say what did your husband say what did you say what did your husband say I need you to do your husband's voice he was like what's wrong baby I need you to do that okay cuz your husband doesn't sound like you Louise you be like what's wrong you know do that Dopey guys voice that guys do but we always sound like that what's wrong why don't you just sit on your hands in cuz that sounds even really annoying right and you be like Oh I'm I'm hungry and I need you to play it up the emotions I'm hungry I'm cold and and you haven't stopped when I wanted to have lunch and so build up that intensity a little more for me playful playfulness don't be afraid of it safe environment all right let's go round two in three don't think about it two give it the best you got bring the characters to life go for it on my trip to New Zealand on the first day my husband proposed to me we spend two great days hiking looking at the great scenery in New Zealand but on the third day I was starting to be really tired we walked a lot I didn't sleep well and I was getting hungry we weren't eating on time either so on that evening on the third day my husband asked me so Louise how are you feeling are you okay I said no I'm really tired he asked me well if you're tired just go to sleep then I said no actually I'm just it's not that I'm just tired I'm hungry I'm really hungry and I'm cold he said well if you're cold just put your hands under your lap then I went I don't like this so I I kick my foot flop one flew over his head I kick the other one that one landed on his face so the reason why I'm telling you this story is that don't ignore your hunger pay attention to your needs and take care of your body because when you don't then you don't show up the best version of yourself oh love it can we give her a big round of applause in chat big round of applause for Louise that was amazing Louise my only thought here to share with you is you you you crushed it almost immediately you you you did so well so coachable love that you applied the lessons we've learned I would only say in parting here don't be afraid to play more don't be afraid to play more right you took the playing from like a two to a 4 I'd love to see you take it up to an eight and I mean it right you because the most beautiful thing about storytelling is when we're playing with the dialogue like that we want people to feel like they're actually there with us and while you're playing the characters there give yourself the freedom to be even overly animated because it's okay it's not you you're just saying and that's what my husband said and I would tease him a little more you know and I play I'll play that part because that's so powerful and then now you see the link you can't unsee it so I would go through the linking process because the way I was able to do that was when I was listening to you tell the story I was like H what else does this story symbolize this story symbolizes feeling hunger pains pain in my feet and I was like that's it that's the link into the pain in my back you did great how good's that imagine you're sitting down with with with an expert and you're feeling back pain and they start with a story like that that deeply engages you that builds deep connection with you and then they link it to what you're going through and how you're going to help them lead a more healthy life as opposed to just coming in and then starting the process one creates connection creates Rapport creates depth then you go into helping them beautiful that was amazing well done did you see what we just did there l didn't just learn a new storytelling skill she immediately learned and then right after that took action and applied the lessons that she learned and she was immediately able to get results the problem with the world today is that we're so addicted to knowledge acquisition we just keep learning learning learning learning and we never apply anything that's why the majority of people in the world feel hopeless and they feel like oh I'm uninspired I can't get anywhere it's because inspiration comes from taking action and if you feel inspired from this video and you want to take things to the next level I'm running a free 2our Master Class titled unlock your voice unlock your potential come join me we won't only just learn in this session we'll also apply the lessons we learn just click the pin comment below save your spot back to the video how can I make storytelling more engaging and memorable all right Greg I think one of the most fun things we could do right now is do you have a story you can share I do software development and design and I also teach martial arts do you have a story around martial arts you can tell me I lived in China and studied shellin and taii wow okay was there a moment there that stands out to you probably I don't know okay well let let's try because your question is about how do we bring the story to life and make it more engaging why don't you tell me about a moment that stands out and we'll keep it as short as you possibly can share a moment that stood out while you were learning Shaolin we're in the middle of a forest and we got to teach chiong which is breathing exercises where we got to study um how to better breathe and Flow of energy in our bodies one of the best experiences I ever had was sort of after practicing for a while was when I actually really got to feel that that energy and that connection with nature when I was um practicing my breathing exercises in the morning in the middle of this peaceful quiet forest in the middle of China beautiful okay okay right so now now your question is Then Greg you asked how do I make the stories pop more how do I make it more Vivid and engaging right okay so a couple of questions for you first one what's the name of your teacher what was your teacher's name Master Ting Master Ting okay so Master Ting now you see one thing to make the story more engaging is specificity when you add more detail the story comes to life more so specificity is important so instead of just saying my teacher right Master Ting and describe Master Ting a little bit right so how if you had to describe him a little bit to give us an idea of what his stature was like and how he dressed what would you say he he was a uh not a very large large man but uh he was very old so short in stature he' uh kind of let himself go the picture of your quintessential martial arts master after they you know 30 or 40 years where they've kind of semi-retired you feel like it uh he's smok and drank a lot he also um was quite uh opinionated and sometimes if you ask too many questions would kind of sh you away and what what what would he say while he's Shing you away uh he would mutter sometimes under his breath and what would he mutter in ch he would normally mutter sort of uh you know just do what I what I showed you okay do you know any Chinese Greg um it was very long time ago my wind is very poor okay no no that's great that's good okay so you can so make the story come to life not only by describing mastering slightly because when you did all of a sudden you painted a picture for us right and then I could see people smile when you said you know he was you know he's a little bit he was let himself go a little bit he smokes he drinks and all of a sudden you're painting this picture now this person comes to life for us more whereas before it was just your master and when you said that I I was imagining Bruce Lee but now I'm kind of imagining like a different character forming right which is kind of interesting and like you said you know he mutter under his breath like oh just shut up right and you can give him some dialogue because the second thing you can do is now bring him to Life by giving him a little dialogue right so what would he say under his breath even if he said it in English what would he say like like he said normally he'd just say just do the technique I love that so you can feel free to play with the give him a little dialogue for fun and say you know and he would just say us to say to us just do the technique and shut up do it you know and you can kind of you can kind of play with it a bit and because then it brings his personality to life cuz that's the kind of attitude that I feel that that he's coming across with right so again specificity brings a story to life dialogue adds color to the story okay and just like in Louise's story when you've got that dialogue back and forth when a story has a little bit of dialogue back and forth back and forth back and forth that brings the story to life even more now here are some tips that are very important for storytelling you want to tell the story around a peak emotional moment or a peak action moment Steven Spielberg I think was the the person who said this he said a movie is just life without the boring bits and I think that gives us a really good indicator of what great stories are stories are you tell a story around a peak emotional moment or a peak action moment so during that story I didn't really notice a peak emotional or Peak action moment so I would think back to during that story was there a peak emotional moment that you had or a peak AC moment where he showed you some form of martial art that all of a sudden inspired you or he said something to that story The the peak part was the connection and feeling one with nature while practicing the breathing um the other part was the part that I didn't tell about master Ting um I guess uh believing himself like in about 5 m away from me in the middle of the forest while I'm trying to practice my breathing exercises he where he peed while you were that's a great moment that's a great moment right so that part links to links to the peak emotional moment of um being one with nature imagine telling that story you said like again you can you can you can bring it by bringing drama so you can use your delivery mechanisms being your voice to be able to increase the storytelling ability but imagine you did something like this and I'm going to get you to try it in a sec you can say use the word imagine the word imagine is very great really good for storytelling so you go imagine you're in the forest in in the east of China leaves are blowing just effortlessly through the wind and while I'm sitting there taking deep breaths oh I felt this sense of calm and and I've never heard the sounds of birds and and all of a sudden I could hear this beautiful stream that I didn't know was close to me and I was like wow the stream is what a strange stream it starts and it stops and it starts and it stops that's that's it's quite an interesting stream and then as I open my eyes to investigate Master Ting was peeing next to me it wasn't a stream he was taking he was taking a good old piss and you know and all of a sudden that story now just came to life because I was focusing on the peak moment and all of a sudden we're able to tease out these parts of a story right and then you could relate the story you you can almost end the story and you can say and you know what the the reason why I tell you about this moment in my life is that when you meet your Heroes and you realize they're human some people find it disappointing but for me I find it inspiring because it shows me that even the greatest people in this life the most amazing people they're human just like you and I all of a sudden now that story has this depth and this meaning so can I can I can I challenge you to give that a go sure all right so just give that a go so just you know I want you to take a breath right and even you can say master Ting was close to me and he said you know I want you to take a deep breath and then let it out and then do his voice a little bit have a bit of play do a little bit of be a little playful okay so we just try it again and then link it to meeting your Heroes Being Human Etc just give it a go in three two go for Imagine uh you're in this beautiful Forest uh with the wind blowing uh you can hear the nature sounds of birds chirping and uh little insects around Buzz around um you're relaxed you're trying to practice your chiong your breathing methods you're breathing in you're breathing out um you've starting to feel that sense of you know tingles running up the spine as you feel one with nature and uh all of a sudden you start to hear this flow of water and and you kind of Wonder I'm I'm not quite so close to the lake uh so what is that what is that sound and as as you open your eyes and turn over to my shoulder to the right I realize that Master Tings there relieving himself in the middle of the forest next to me while I'm trying to practice my chi my chiung so the reason why I was quite shocked but the reason I'm telling you this is um you know sometimes when you meet you know the people that you look up to or that are inspirational um it it it makes you understand and realize that uh these these people are human just just like us um and they have the exact same needs they need to relieve themselves sometimes they just do it next to you oh I love it you did amazing and I love the way you said it someone said it in the chat I'm going to call it out it's like as I was feeling the tingling in my hands someone was taking a tingle behind me master Ting was having a tingle by Catherine well done how did how did that feel Greg as you did that I it good it kind of um it actually kind of took took me back to the moment a little bit as I was kind of looking over my shoulder to you see okay so you just unlocked something there on your own and I'm so proud of you because when you act out part of the story it allows you to relive the story whereas a lot of people just report stories and that's the first iteration of you doing that you're reporting the story right meaning you're just giving us the list of historical things that happened whereas all of a sudden now what I'm encouraging you to do there is to relive the story right right and and then by you reliving the story for them you also feel it and I heard you laugh that time you tell it too you chuckled and when you feel it the audience will feel it so I got you to do that as well great because I wanted to show everybody else storytelling is one of those things where you have to give yourself permission to just start the process and start creating and while we're creating we create masterpieces but you have to start and most people don't start they'll go all right I'm going to go do storytelling and they go I don't know where to start you doesn't matter where just begin and then always start to focus where's the peak emotion where's the peak uh Peak emotion or Peak action moment and another one you can look for is you can also look for where lessons were learned usually there's like a peak moment where the lesson was learned you can tell the story just around where the lesson was learned just around the peak action moment or just around the peak emotional moment and those are great ways to tap into this massive pool of creativity and look if you want to learn more about communication skills then click this video up here and if you want to join me for a class and actually interact with me then click this link here to save your spot