What's going on YouTube? Welcome back to the channel. I'm Coach Black, your internet, relationship, and breakup coach. Today's topic, how to improve your self-esteem when you're going through a breakup. This video is extremely important because some of the most important concepts that we talk about when it comes to no contact and being indifferent towards your ex and not chasing them and allowing them to come to you.
And, you know, whether your goal is to attract your ex back or get them back, the core of this message really starts with self-esteem. What's difficult, though, is a breakup is probably the hardest time to really value yourself at times. It's the hardest time to really see yourself as your best version.
You're in a very emotional place. You are vulnerable. And in most cases, you can't stop thinking about this person. So the most critical time where you need to work on self-esteem is when you are your most vulnerable.
So it doesn't matter if you are extremely successful, doesn't matter if you are wealthy, and it doesn't matter if you have good friends and family around you that remind you constantly how amazing you are. You have to consciously work on these things. So I'm going to give you five tenets and things that you should do or work on to improve your self-esteem so that When you start to have interactions with your ex, you are in the right frame of mind.
It's so important. This is where you start to come off as extremely attractive. This is where your ex starts to be more drawn to you because your energy is seductive and addictive. So without further ado, let's just jump in it. And one more thing, if you do appreciate this type of video, please do me a favor, hit the like button after you watch it.
It really does mean a lot and it helps the channel out. And also leave a comment and tell me. Coach, I like this type of video.
It's less focused on your ex, it's more focused on you. So like I said, without further ado, let's just jump into it. Number one, you need to recklessly cut off anyone and everyone who does not value you. This is very important and I'm going to explain to you why.
So one of the books I read years ago and... I haven't touched it in a little while, but it's a really great book. It's Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. Really good book.
If you haven't read it, read it, definitely check it out. So rule number one is stand up straight with your shoulders back. And essentially what that rule is talking about, not to spoil the whole book, is about confidence and self-esteem. And he gives the example of lobsters and how Lobsters, just like human beings, operate in what's called social hierarchies.
And so the higher up you are on that social hierarchy, the more benefits you get, the more access to mates, the more access to, you know, quality places to live. Basically, the better you're doing on that social hierarchy, the better your life is going to be. And this does apply to human beings as well.
And so the lower you are down that totem pole, the worst things are. But what's critical is that this is not just a financial concept. I want you to understand that because what he's really talking about is body language. Stand up straight with your shoulders back.
What happens is this. Because of social hierarchies, everyone has some kind of social concept or some kind of understanding of where you rank, even though you do not verbally communicate these things. Now, in certain social circles, it's more evident, right? So if you go to work, there's going to be a hierarchy.
There's a CEO, there's a manager, there's a VP. So the hierarchy is more clear. But on your average day-to-day, people are always looking for clues based on your body language, your vocal tonality, your clothes, different things.
And a simple way to start working on this is... However you came to be, wherever you are in life currently, it's important that you do not keep people around who don't make you feel good about yourself. Because your mind is always taking a subconscious journaling, if you will, of how you're being treated and how you're perceived. And based on that...
your mind is going to say, oh, I'm this kind of person or I am at this level. And then you start to act that way. So back to the book, the example about the lobster, what was interesting is, you know, lobsters compete for territory.
They compete for mates. And basically the male lobsters will fight each other. They'll fight each other.
And whoever wins was the more dominant and they will get all the perks and so on and so forth. What it shows is that even if a lobster was the dominant and was on a winning streak. And eventually that lobster ended up losing to another lobster.
There was a transformation that occurred in the brain of the lobster to where it started to behave. It started to be more timid. It started to act in ways that agreed with this new level or hierarchy that happened based on this fight. So I'm stressing this because how people around you treat you not only affects you in the moment, it affects your self-esteem because you start to buy in and you believe that I'm someone who deserves to be mistreated. And so however it came to be this way, your friends, your family, I don't care who they are.
You need to recklessly cut people off. Do not make you feel good about yourself. Now, in the meantime. You work on yourself and you try to make yourself better because at times there is a reason why they are treating you that way. One, it might be that they're projecting, right?
They all have their own issues and they're projecting that onto you. But a lot of times if many people are treating you poorly, it has more to do with the things you've tolerated. It has more to do with the self-esteem you've had based on your previous life and you're allowing people to treat you that way. So very important.
Make sure you cut those people off that are not serving you, that aren't lifting you up and building you up. Number two is I need you to shift your focus. During a breakup, most times you're going to be extremely focused on the other person. You're focused on your ex.
What are they doing? Who are they following on social media? Are they thinking about me? And I understand all those feelings.
But when you have a more External locus of control, meaning whatever your ex does starts to affect you. You no longer have any control over your own life. Imagine what your self-esteem would look like if your happiness was 100% dependent on another person. That person easily becomes a tyrant.
And also, when you're more focused on the outer world and how things are affecting you, you have no agency. You have no sense of control or ability to make things better. And so no matter how much your ex hurts you, and no matter how responsible they are for the breakup, I need you to shift your focus from them and put all of that energy and focus and attention on yourself. Okay?
Shift to a more internal locus of control. You get to decide how you're going to feel today. All right? You get to decide the actions that you're going to take today. And while you cannot control another person, you cannot tell your ex what to do, always remember, taking action leads to confidence, and not taking action or inaction breeds fear and doubt.
That's a quote from Dale Carnegie. Very important. So find the things in your life that you can work on, that you can improve today. Whether that's going to the gym, whether that's...
going for conferences, whether that's booking a trip to travel, to explore, whatever it is you need to do, I need you to focus all of that energy inward and it will help with your self-esteem because you're doing things and you're accomplishing things. Number three, this one is do not do things, do not do anything that your children will not be proud of. And this is for if you actually do have kids or if you don't.
So think about the actions you take on a day-to-day and this is not simple. It's not an easy thing. If your children were like front seat passenger of everything you were doing, would they be proud?
This more has to do with the things that we all do that we do in secrecy, in the dark, right? For a lot of men, you know, you have vices or addictions. Maybe that's alcohol, maybe that's cron, prawn, whatever you want to call it.
All of these things. they hurt your self-esteem because In your mind, on some level, if you're doing it in secret, you don't agree with the behavior or you're not proud of it. And so because you're taking inventory, you always are. You're always in the passenger taking inventory of the things that you're doing. Your perception of yourself is affected.
The more times you do things that you're not proud of, you don't even start to believe in your self-worth. You don't start to believe in what you deserve. So you can say all the things to your ex, and I deserve this.
But the more things you do that you're not proud of, the more promises you make to yourself that you don't keep, the more you start to believe that you deserve less. So work on this. It will take time.
If you have bad habits, try to put multiple days between each time you fall into the trap. doing those habits until you eventually can cut them off. The more things you do right, the less things you do wrong, the more good you're going to feel about yourself.
And this will help your self-esteem. Number four, I want you to pursue with full energy, your passions and things that you love. Here's the reason why. For most of us, you're going to spend a lot of time of your day. You're going to spend multiple hours at work.
So if you're doing something that you absolutely hate and detest, if you're surrounded by people you do not like and you don't enjoy working with, you're likely not going to put in the energy to be successful. You just not because you don't enjoy what you do. And this is not easy.
Again, this is another difficult thing, because at the end of the day, you have bills to pay. You have needs to take care of. Maybe you have children.
You have things you have to do. So I'm not telling you to quit your job. If you don't love your job, start to look for other opportunities.
Maybe start a passion project. You know, honestly, this YouTube channel that you're watching was born out of a passion, a deep, innate desire and love for people, relationships, attraction. It's literally an obsession.
So I... found an outlet for that passion, which was the internet. I just started posting videos and one thing led to another. So tangibly, if you're in a nine to five, whatever it is, you try to double down at work if you already enjoy what you do.
If you don't, you start looking for opportunities that align with that job because you have experience. And look, maybe you need to leave that company. But if it works for now, you're like, okay.
While I do this, let me put some energy towards my passions. Excuse me. We're going to leave that in.
We'll leave that in. Anyway, so very important. Work on your passions because you spend so much time, so much time at work, so much time at work, and that can 100% affect your self-esteem because if you don't love it, you're not going to work very hard, which is understandable.
And you're not going to be succeeding on the level which you have the potential for. You were put here for a reason. You have the skills, you have the mind and the brain because the creator made it so. And then if you're not succeeding, your peers maybe don't respect you, they don't support you, they don't help you grow. And all of these things affect your self-esteem.
Number five, take this time to improve your weaknesses. Now you have to Be strategic. You have to look at the weaknesses that matter. Okay. So for example, I, what's something I got a lot of things that I personally, you know, could probably do better at, but is it strategically aligned with my purpose and what I'm doing?
Right. So maybe a weakness is you don't eat healthy. Well, that's an important weakness to work on, right? You want to streamline your diet.
You want to improve those things. Go to the gym. Absolutely improve on those weaknesses.
But maybe a weakness of yours is that you aren't good at PowerPoint. Well, if your passion, your career, and your purpose doesn't need you to do PowerPoint presentations, then it shouldn't be a focus. So my point is be strategic and work on weaknesses that will make your life better, but are also aligned with where you want to go.
Anyway, I hope you find this video helpful. If you did, please do me a favor, hit the like button so we'll do more videos like this that are more focused on you and not your ex. And also subscribe to the channel so you don't miss any of the future videos that I put out. This is very important. Everything starts with your beliefs and your self-esteem.
And if you can work on this while you do no contact, I'm telling you, you get an instinctive radar for when your ex is testing you or treating you poorly, and you just don't accept those things. You don't accept those things any longer, and your ex starts to see you in a different light. They respect you more.
And then you can look at potentially fixing things. You don't have to. Remember, this journey is about you first and foremost.
But working on your self-esteem first is the most important thing. Anyway, thanks again for watching. I'll catch you in the next video. Peace.