are you on the verge of burnout and exhaustion from your career maybe you love what you do but are lacking peer support and professional connections then you need to come to the two-day social connections virtual Summit happening September 25th and September 26th this 2day social wellness and relationship building Summit is unlike any other you've ever seen when you join the social connection Summit your professional relationships are going to transform you will be inspired by our Dynamic speakers who will be sharing actionable steps to help you set boundaries to prevent burnouts schedule your time effectively restore your emotional and physical health and so much more you will have ample opportunities to connect with your peers develop new relationships and even Forge friendships with our curated networking sessions and there's more for those of you who want extra support and personalized guidance towards reaching your goals you may book a compliment one-on-one coaching session with a world class coach of your choice don't miss the social connections virtual Summit September 25th and September 26 get your tickets at patternsof possibility.com events early bird ticket sales end soon so get yours today go to patternsof possibility.com events that's patternsof possibility.com events hey what's going on my name is Coach Lee Hopkins my pronouns are he him his and you're listening to the patterns of possibility podcast this is the podcast dedicated to helping you replace harmful patterns with new possibilities in each episode we'll explore topics that inspire you to be yourself Live Your Truth and make lasting Connections in this episode we're going to talk about who you need to be to attract the friends that you want because it really isn't about going out there and finding your tribe it's more about attracting your Vibe are you ready let's [Music] go so for many years I had believed that you just need to find your tribe just just go out there and go look and you'll find those people you'll find people who care about you who understand you who appreciate you and accept you if you just look in the right place and for me that meant physically moving like picking up my stuff and moving from place to place to place and for maybe 15 years I moved out about every 15 months as after I became an adult I just felt that as soon as someone rejected me as soon as they gave me a hint that I wasn't an interesting cool person as soon as they showed me that I didn't have any value to them this is all the stuff that I perceived as soon as I felt that I curled up and I ran away I curled up until I could run away and that's what I've done for many many years and it was always the belief that you know I can't be in this place with these people my people are out there somewhere and so I moved from place to place to place trying to find those people but energetically emotionally spiritually um I was running away from I was running away from instead of moving towards something and there was a huge difference between those ideas you know I like to think of it as you know the scary movies where the Killer is chasing the person the victim in the in the forest and they keep looking back and they're panting like don't catch me no no don't catch me and they're they're running and they're panting and they constantly look back and they're looking back then you know what happens they trip they trip they fall and then the thing that they've been running away from catches up to them and I I think about that as if you're always looking backwards you're losing the focus of what you want to get to maybe if she just and I said she because I stereotyped all these uh these movies but she or they or he when they were running from the as salent they needed to keep their eyes forward and focused on what they were looking for they were really looking for an exit right this is what I think they were looking for an exit or a way out a car something but they would never see it if they were focused on the thing that's chasing them and the reason why I brought this up is because I done so much running and I was running from you know rejection that was the big that was the big key piece is that there's some people that aren't going to like me and it's going to be okay it's like finding out that that a salent who is chasing you it's just a plastic knife and it's a a friend playing a prank on you or something like that it seems very intense and scary but once you get to face that thing it's not so intense and it's not so scary it's it's more like ah I'm frustrated with you I can't believe you made me run frustrated with my friend you made me run why'd you do this and it is not nearly as as terrifying as you know the end of your life right so I'd like to think about this when we're running from or we're searching for people or we're doing anything of that nature the the first thing that I've noticed in my client and notice in me of course is that I was running and they were running from rejection or that thing that they fear the big intense emotion being alone whatever it is for you running away from that thing and really focused on the fact that we are going to be alone or we are going to be rejected and we don't get to know what it is that we really want what we're looking for we keep saying things like I don't want to be rejected well you know what funny about us and as humans and our brains is that what we think of we create we focus on so the rejection you say you don't want it well the brain doesn't understand the not it says rejection rejection and it brings you more rejection because you're focused on rejection rejection and there it is you trip and you fall and eventually eventually you're going to get the rejection and you're not going to know what to do with it it's hard it's hard but it's not impossible it's just a challenging thing to go through the main point that I wanted to bring up to share the point of that piece right there is to just focus on the thing that you do want the exit the light at the end of the tunnel and the wild thing is using me as an example again the wild thing is is that I would say that I want friends I'd say I want the end of the the tunnel I want to be connected and I had I just had no idea what that looked like I had no idea what that looked like so I wouldn't even be able to Envision it to run towards it and that's like that for a lot of us CU we don't get an opportunity to spend time by ourselves because if we do spend time by ourselves we focus on being rejected like well I'm home because the rest of the world is is a terrible place and people are so mean and they're so superficial and we sit home by ourselves and we think about how much we don't want to be rejected or we say things like I'm happy to be alone when in actuality you really want to be able to talk talk to somebody about how you feel you just don't know how to articulate that you just don't know what it is that was my reality for a long time I just didn't know didn't know but here's what I want you to understand right I keep harping on this the third time I'm going to say it keep looking backwards you keep focusing on the things that you don't want you're going to get a lot more of it what you really need to do is laser focus on what you do want and if you don't know what you want you really do have to spend time discovering what it is it's a whole process that you get to go through you get to discover what it is that you want instead of hate on the things that you don't you get to focus on the things that you love and attract those things because once you start doing that once you start knowing you start saying these are the characteristics of my friends these are the characteristics of the people that I want to hang out with these are the characteristics of the people that I love and I want you to notice that it's a not I don't say not it's always a positive it's a positive it's an affir affirmative like an affirmation it affirms what you are looking for in the person that you want to be friends with what are your hobbies what's fun and exciting and interesting to you how do they behave in certain situations you want to know all of that so you can can find the right person I don't even want to say find the right person anymore because when you get to that level you're only going to start doing the things that feel good to you if you're really focused on the things that feel good to you like if you know that you enjoy playing board games my favorite example because I love board games if you know that you enjoy playing board games and that's your jam you're not going to focus on those things that you do not want to do you won't be in places where people aren't doing the things that you want to do your friend is also going to play board games with you and so they're going to be you're going to be where your friends are so it's it's a little bit of not of a of like you're you're searching for them you're just doing things that feel the best to you and talking to people about the things that feel best to you in places where people are doing things that feel best to you the other people who were just as conscious and aware of the fact that they want a friend like you will not miss you you will find each other and that's the really that's really the way it works so you're not running from anything you're not running from rejection anymore you're done with that you know what you're looking for in your friends you know it you can say it and then you're in those places where there are people doing the things that you want to do just because you enjoy those things you can't miss you really can't miss hey patterns of possibility fam if you'd like a little more guidance and Hands-On support then I've got great news you can hire me as your own personal coach go to patternsof possibility.com coaching to apply for individual or group coaching in this 12-week program I'm going to help you make the meaningful connections that you deserve after this coaching program I promise you you'll be able to do three things one you'll be able to clearly identify Who belongs in your tribe and who doesn't say goodbye to those people who are wishy-washy you're unsure of no you will know for certain whether or not they deserve to be in the same space with you and second you are going to know that your thoughts and feelings are valid and worth expressing so if you do have feelings about your friends not holding up boundaries or not holding up space for you or not meeting your needs then you are not going to shy away from telling them you will be able to communicate your boundaries in a clear concise manner and advocate for yourself in your relationships and finally you are going to learn how to start and stop conversations with strangers and steer them towards topics that are interesting and important to you I don't know about you but I don't have weeks months years to discover whether or not me and my new friend have compatible values if you know what you're looking for you can discover if you're compatible in just a few conversations if all this sounds good to you and you're ready to make those meaningful connections go to patternsof possibility.com coaching to find out more information again go to patterns of possibility.com coaching to find out more information I look forward to working with you now it's time for your listener letters if you have burning questions about your friendships and your platonic relation ships with your co-workers and so forth let me know write me at patternsof possibility gmail.com and I might just read your letter out loud my sister and best friend are excluding me I've always had a very close relationship with my sister and my best friend has been my best friend since elementary school we are all in their 30s now so we spent lots of time together I'm not married but my sister and best friend are and their husbands get along really well and their kids are all the same age my best friend and I had a nickname for our friend group that we made up in our early 20s neither of us has said it in a long time and I didn't think anything of it until I saw an Instagram post where my sister commented and best friend responded calling them the nickname her she and I made up they all hang out weekly with each other and I rarely get included special occasions only and I brought it up a little while ago and my sister basically told me I was crazy but my best friend said it's because they're not married you're not married and we all are and on top of this I was both their maid of honor through all their baby showers for all of their kids treat them treat both of them out for their birthdays every year so I was good enough to plan and be a huge part of all the major Milestones but I can't come to Friday barbecues because I don't have a husband am I wrong for being upset by this would others be hurt or am I just being overly sensitive you know I really love when people say overly sensitive you're overly sensitive like there's in my humble opinion opion or my personal belief system is that there's no overly sensitive anything like you feel your feelings okay you feel your feelings and I think the more you can feel your feelings the the more you can get in touch with yourself and the better life can be for you because you can tune in and tune out your feelings if you want to it's just about being aware of your feelings and what they're going to do do for you so if you're super stoic and you're like I don't have any feelings well you might miss out on some of the really Grand events in life if you're super into your feelings and you can't control them or recognize them and just fly all over the place you're going to find yourself crying and screaming a whole lot like crying over little things or maybe if you're a man we usually go to masculinity and anger and stuff and you're going to findly yourself flying off the handle because you are sensitive so just putting that out there um overly sensitive usually when people say that you're overly sensitive it means that they don't want you to express your feelings because they don't know how to handle them they don't like them they want you to put them away and so you're overly sensitive and you're shamed put your feelings away nobody cares about them it's stupid and in this case I think that's exactly what's happening so your friend your best friend and your sister are just getting along really well because they also have this extra experience of having a man and kids and kids and you don't have that experience with them and so you can find them jelling together and you know I just want to say that it's really um it seems like there's a feeling of jealousy here and sure of course of course you would be jealous I mean you've been together for so long and it feels like you're being cut out it feels like you're being cut out that's frustrating that's upsetting of course I feel that way too I'd also feel underneath that there's a sense of loss impending loss that's happening it's like oh no they're growing closer together because they have more experiences that relate to each other they have similar experiences that just continue to relate to each other and you know they have kids and the Milestones with their kids and although you were there for part of the big occasions the little things that they do on the dayto day really creates the relationship it creates the Friendship um when you're when you're connecting with people the connection is the demonstration that they understand how you feel about your experiences so they demonstrate that they understand how they feel about having kids it's not hard to do that because they both have kids and they both have a husband and they're continue to have a lot of experiences based on those two things that don't include you it don't include you and so in this point I I'd like to recognize I know this is me talking out outside of this I'm not in this position but I've certainly had my friendships and relationships change and transform into something else and it was on a they were on a different path and the only reason why I was close to them is because I've known them for such a long time I mean I wasn't even close but remain remain connected to them because I've known them for a long time and it left a unsatisfying connection cuz I was looking for them to fill some kind of void to understand my exper expences rather to understand me um going out there having a single life you know meeting different people and traveling and coming back to tell them about it and they're just like I have kids I wish I could do that and they'd want to tell me about their kids in the first steps and um you know changing their diapers and school and things like that I'm just like I don't know what good for you good for you wow that's amazing you know it's it's hard to relate just happens to be hard to relate and it gets to the point where we're just not able to talk about anything satisfying we have to really really search and the only thing that we could talk about would be the things in the past like the history that's it that's all we could talk about remember those days when we had a similar experience we went to these college parties we had a couple of drinks and some guys looked at us and it was funny hahaa you remember that and that's it because we can't do anything for ourselves in in the present can't talk about anything those anything past college or anything our futures might look like together we can talk about that and I I brought this up because it seems like there's something missing from the relationship that you have with your best friend and your sister that experience that they're having I'm not gonna I'm not saying that you know go out there and get a husband and adopt some kids that they're all the same age that's really silly but it's recognizing the fact that you do have something different and you do have a different void that you want to feel you like you I I imagine that you would want to talk to somebody even about this specific instance like this instance right here you'd want to talk about how you felt to somebody who was single and didn't have kids right I mean you'd want to talk to somebody who could understand how you felt about it and that would make it a lot easier for you you can talk to your single friend about the fact that your married best friend and sister or always going on about how their husbands are doing XYZ or not doing XYZ you could talk about how their kids are always getting into this or always doing that or how you love to bring over little gifts for them and how you love their smiles and things like that find somebody who's single and also has friends with kids and you you'll be able to have some fun stuff to talk about but also you'll also be able to talk about things that aren't related to your your family your best friend and your sister you can talk about things that are related to you just things that are happening in your life and have somebody understand how you know you can get up at noon on Sunday because you don't have to take care of kids somebody who's on the same page somebody who can just randomly go for taco Tuesdays and stay out till 2: in the morning if that's your Vibe we're all looking for those people to connect with us and so I i' think so you didn't ask if you were wrong you didn't ask for any advice or anything like that but I'm just going to share that you know of course you would be hurt by this whole thing and at the same time recognize that you want something that is not being delivered to you and so instead of focusing back on the thing that you don't have looking at this uh dynamic between your best friend and your your sister looking back on looking at this Dynamic I said looking back at that at what you used to have you can just just look forward to create something new with the other person with the other friends that you can have in your life you can be close you can be close too you know they don't ever have to replace what you had back in the past CU that's never going to change you had that already but you can create something fun and exciting and vibrant for yourself in the future instead of looking at this three two all this these two friends your best friend and your sister instead of looking at them thinking man I don't have what they have and I'm missing out right hey thank you so much for listening if you like this podcast share with someone who you think could benefit from this information and follow me on social media you can find me at patterns of possibility on all social media and I go live on Mondays Wednesdays and Saturdays at 9:00 a.m. Central Standard Time you can catch me and learn more about these social connections and inter act with other people who are looking for the meaningful connections who share the same kind of stories and be in community and don't forget to sign up for my newsletter at patternsof possibility.com where you will get actionable steps delivered to your mailbox every week thanks again for listening until next time take care