I know what it's like to experience a heartache that runs so deep that you can't even think about anything else. That when you're in a crowded room surrounded by your favourite people, your mind still wanders to that person. All you want to do is tell your good news to them, text them, find out how they're doing.
You wonder if they're doing okay, if they're still thinking about you and if the love was even worth it. Listen, loving someone is never a waste and if you are now left hurt, broken and having lost who you once were, we're about to make this breakup worse. well worth it with the transformation you are about to experience. So this is how you get over him for good, move on and create a new version of yourself. As always here are the video chapters with all of the timestamps.
Don't forget you can listen to all of my YouTube videos in audio format through my podcast which is on Apple and Spotify, linked to the description. And did you know I recently opened up a second YouTube channel? You can see how I live my life through all my vlogs which is also linked down below. And before we jump right into the video, I wanted to give a quick shout out to LilySilk who are kindly sponsoring this video. So one of the things we're going to mention throughout this video is the importance of upgrading your lifestyle and yourself when recreating yourself after the breakup.
So I wanted to share one of my favorite brands that's going to help you out. actually achieved that and that is LilySilk. I'm actually wearing one of their tops right now and look how bougie.
So if you're in that phase of your post-breakup where you want to reinvent yourself, buy yourself a new wardrobe and engage in a little bit of retail therapy to make yourself feel better. Aside from LilySilk's clothing my favourite and most unexpected part of this brand that I discovered was their silk pillowcases. All of the silk pillowcases on my bed right now are from LilySilk.
They used to be from Amazon, but oh my god, LilySilk's quality is out of this world. It does not compare. They are anti-allergy.
Z-Silk pillowcases are completely hypoallergenic, meaning they're not going to cause eczema flare-ups or skin rashes or stuffy noses. They are also skin-friendly. Because they're so soft to the touch, it's going to cause less friction when you're sleeping at night.
meaning your skin isn't going to keep having this constant rubbing service against it, which can actually cause acne in a lot of people. This has been such an easy change to incorporate into my glow up routine. It's something that makes me feel good about myself. It's something that's so effortless and easy to do and impacts my beauty rituals every single day.
And if that's not enough to convince you, all of LilySilk's products are completely sustainable and will help you live an eco-friendly life. Make sure you check them out. The link and my discount code are all in the description down below.
Make sure you check them out. But for now, let's get right into the video. Chapter number one, the grieving stage.
This is when the breakup is still fresh. You're fully sad. You don't want to talk to anyone. You're resisting the urge to text them every day.
I get it, okay? And if you're experiencing this right now, then I need you to carry out the following six steps which are gonna help you through it. Let's go.
Number one, feel your feelings. When the breakup is still fresh, and if your ex was hella toxic, and all of your friends are badmouthing him, saying just get over it, he wasn't even worth it, I don't even know when you dated him, don't listen to them. Because that person was significant to you and you cared about them and you lost them and you need to mourn that loss no matter how long it takes, whether it's a week, a month or six months, let it be that. Eat that Ben and Jerry's, listen to Adele, watch sad movies all day if you have to, it's okay, that's a completely natural process and you need to get it out of your system in order to heal. This is literally about prioritizing having no tears left to cry and that way you can get on with the rest of this transformation and healing process by having minor relapses.
If you act like a man in this situation, do you know what's going to happen? Do you know how much information there is on the internet that's going to back me up here? Okay, listen.
Women experience more emotional and physical pain after the breakup. That's been reported in studies. Men report less. However, women, after no matter how many months it takes, fully recover from the breakup.
whereas men go the rest of their lives having never fully recovered. If that isn't motivational enough to cry and eat some dumb ice cream, I don't know what is. Because as much of a hit to your ego it might be to be stressing all day about someone who mistreated you, that's okay, you need to honour your own feelings so they're not stuck in the back of your mind for the rest of your life.
ew. Step number two, write a letter. This can be in your notes app, on a piece of paper, in your journal, via email, anything that floats your boat.
And the format of this is going to be dear, your ex's name, and then you are going to write out, no matter how long it is, okay, as long as that has detail everything you want to say to this person you can be aggressive you can swear you can get every emotion off your chest but the catch is you're not allowed to send it to them okay if you are doing this on email you are going to address that email back to yourself if you are doing it in your journal you are keeping it to yourself you are locking it away if you want to write a letter you can burn it straight afterwards the purpose of this is to write in full detail every emotion you feel about this situation the relationship itself the person how you're doing now how you're doing in the relationship where they messed up, what you wish you could have said, anything you feel that is gonna get you closure without actually having to speak to them. And basically this is the best form of emotional release so you're not suppressing any. emotions because that's just going to prolong the entire healing process for you and it's going to make sure you don't pick up your phone to text them again because you've already gotten everything off your chest so many people say that oh i just want to send that last paragraph to them to tell them how badly they hurt me or where they went wrong or we could have been better if they did x y and z literally why you are disrespecting yourself so much when you even engage with the thought of doing that If this person actually cared about you, they would have texted you first, chased you, and they would not have let it get to this point.
So why do you think sending this last text message is going to fix everything? All it does is make you look like a fool. Their mistreatment of you is your closure. So as tempting as it should be, you need to close all forms of communication with them right now. This leads me to step number three, which is by far my favorite method.
It has a hundred percent success rate and I use this with all of my exes. It's called the ick list. This is where you're going to write down in your notes app everything that was wrong with them, their red flags, what was wrong with the relationship, why you're not compatible, why you could never be together and so on.
Write out all the details of the worst fights, what they said about you, the mistreatment, how they were acting after the breakup, why it wouldn't work out long term, if you didn't like their friends, even write that down. Once you finish writing that and please don't forget anything, spend your time and put in some detail. After that you're going to write something called the dream list. And in this list, you are going to note down every single thing that you expect from a relationship that they never gave you.
AKA, what does your ideal relationship look like? And how is that so far from what your ex actually gave you? This list is going to illustrate why it's actually a good thing that you guys broke up and that better things are coming. Write out your dream person in every single detail. Write down everything you want that your ex was never capable of giving to you.
And this is my favorite step for a couple of reasons. One, every time you miss your ex, you're going to want to pick up the phone. You're going to want to text them, okay?
I get it because I- I almost made that mistake many times, like hundreds of times. And before I did, I would double check this list, okay? Because the thing about breakups is the nostalgia starts to mask every red flag that was wrong with the relationship. You start to forget the fights, you start to forget why you weren't compatible, all the problems, and all you do is remember the good times. This list keeps you in check, okay?
So you're gonna read this list and it's gonna give you the ick so badly that you're gonna be put off texting them. And if that does not work, then you scroll down and you find your dream list and you're like if i text them i am pushing away the opportunity to get everything i've written in my dream list 100 success rate i'm telling you number four move out and yes the supplies to those of you who'd never lived with your ex i mean move out emotionally this is when you finally remove yourself out of the fantasy land you've been living in your head where you're thinking about your ex with the what ifs what you could have been cut it out You're going to move out of this relationship by deleting the number, blocking them on every single social platform, throwing away the memory box and anything else you have of them. And if you are sat there thinking, no it's too hard, I can't do it, but like I spent so much time with them, how can I throw that all away? Can you hear yourself? Were you not okay and happy and living life before you met them?
Yes. So you're also going to be able to now after the breakup. All of this needing to like hold on to the ghost of them is prolonging the entire process and your suffering. You need to start taking yourself more seriously.
You are prioritizing your ex over growing into the next version of yourself and entering a new era of your life. So what's it gonna be? On top of this, holding on to things like pictures and teddy bears on their clothes keeps you in this trap of nostalgia.
This is extra important if you were in a toxic relationship because even the slightest sight of one of these things in your phone, in your bedroom, wherever, keeps you in a cycle of romanticizing a relationship that was actually dangerous for you to be in. I get so many messages from people saying, oh my god, my ex texted me, what do I even do, it's so annoying. Why are they not blocked? Like you're actually asking for it.
Them trying to wiggle their way back into your life, you are the one that's responsible for that. And when you don't block them, you're not taking yourself too seriously. When they're not blocked, you're literally asking for it. I have my exes blocked on email, you know? why because I don't play about my future I have no interest in my past or allowing it to come back so when you do this removal you are proving to yourself your commitment to yourself love and to your future and making space for so much more fulfillment to come into your life and eventually someone new and better and you're even signaling to the universe that you have let go for good which allows space for you to attract new beginnings number five have boundaries As comforting as it is to lay around all day feeling sorry for yourself, aka step number one, you need to hold yourself accountable for your future.
This means giving yourself a predetermined timeline of how long you have to be sad before you start taking tiny little steps every day to start getting better. And if you need motivation, Beyonce herself said that she She only gives herself one day to feel sorry for herself and in those 24 hours she allows herself to fully feel and experience that sadness and then she moves on from it because she doesn't want to sit around and dwell on it. Step number six stop focusing on him and what he's doing after the breakup.
It's none of your business Oh my god, his Instagram following has gone up. Oh my god. It's one of these Instagram models.
Oh my god He's already talking to somebody new. Did you hear what you did on the weekend? Why is he not thinking about me? He's already moved on while I'm heartbroken. You are literally digging yourself a deeper hole I did this with one of my exes and I damaged my self-esteem so much over the course of six months because I equated his actions after the breakup as to how much he actually cared about me and therefore how much I was worth.
What? What a man does after the breakup has nothing to do with you, what your value is. whether or whether or not you were a good girlfriend, whether or whether or not they were in love with you. But instead, it has everything to do with how they feel about themselves.
A man could be head over heels in love with you and he will move on after the breakup like that because he simply doesn't wanna deal with the feelings of heartbreak or missing you. And you should leave him to it, okay? He can continue in that damaging little cycle because that speaks volumes about his insecurity and his inability to be alone.
Don't start feeding yourself narratives where you're not worthy enough or attractive enough. It literally makes no sense. Chapter two, the healing stage. So let's say you've done all of the necessary measures to remove yourself from your ex.
Now comes in the necessary work to make sure that you accept this breakup and move on for good. Before we get into these eight steps to heal, I just want to mention healing is not a linear process. And if it's been six months and maybe sometimes they randomly pop into your mind, that's okay.
There are going to be down days where you might get nostalgic and remember them, but it's important to know that you can keep carrying on and improving. The first step to healing is realizing your own toxic traits. Unfortunately, it took me a very long chain of bad relationships to realize, drum roll please, I'm the problem. I found out I had an avoidant attachment style which means I was low-key addicted to unhealthy relationships and I kept accepting bonds from emotionally unavailable men, I was addicted to the highs and lows of a relationship, I didn't have very high standards, I was also a commitment phobe, loads of problems here.
I also realized that I was trying to replicate the kind of love and affection I received in my childhood which I wasn't happy with then but I was trying to recreate that chaos in my adult life and that clearly was not working. If you can relate to this, and you feel like you might have an insecure attachment style then i have an entire video on how to heal this ask yourself how are you holding yourself back is it yourself down in insecurities do you constantly feel the need to settle because real love just simply doesn't exist anymore do you feel like you're not worth the hassle that finding someone that actually likes you is rare and that you should be lucky to have even found one person so you should just stick it out with them Do you feel like finding someone who won't cheat is good enough? You need to check yourself, okay?
Write down all of your standards, dream as big as possible, stop limiting yourself by being realistic and don't hold yourself back in this process. Then you need to start trying to understand what are your toxic traits when you are dating. Do you have an attitude?
Do you have patience problems? Can't commit? Always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side?
Are your trust issues impacting your relationship and the way you show up for your partner? Working on these problems first is the only way to move forward and actually fully heal. Shadow work journal prompts are my favorite way to do this. It takes a quick Google search and you'll find a bunch of questions to answer.
Basically, see where things went wrong so you can avoid making these mistakes in the future. Step number two, reassure yourself throughout this process by remembering the following. Somebody else's love isn't yours to lose.
A lot of people come into your life for a season so that you can take the lesson and leave. You started as strangers. You were okay before and you will be just as okay after.
Just because it didn't last forever doesn't make it any less significant. You can find comfort in mourning the loss while knowing something better is on its way. Your life cannot revolve around another person. We only ever have ourselves.
lastly the memories and the experience are almost always worth the pain so forgive them and forgive yourself consider those your breakup affirmations step number three hold yourself accountable by recognizing what it is that you act actually miss because a lot of the times we feel like we miss the person and in a lot of situations our ex is no longer that person maybe they treated us better in the beginning maybe it's been a year since the breakup and we've lived our separate lives and we've grown into different people and that's okay maybe it's that we think we miss them but really we just miss the feeling of being in love we miss being in a relationship having a partner someone to text someone to care for the nostalgia someone to make memories with and dream up a future with But the thing is your ex isn't that all of those things that you fantasize about are possible with anybody I spent longer than necessary missing my ex because I was in love with the version of him I created in my head. I was holding on to a few positive experiences experiences we had together while ignoring all of the bad and a lot of us do that post breakup we hold on to the nostalgia and This is where the it list really helps you out I realized that I didn't have the right logical judgment of my past relationship Which is why I stopped missing him ASAP because I was holding myself accountable By remembering the red flags and where things went wrong and that actually I was missing something that I was dreaming up all on my own Step number four, everything happens for a reason. The universe or God, whatever you believe in, wouldn't have given that to you if they didn't want that for you.
You were meant to have this experience. No matter how much it hurts now, you are gonna look back one day and be like, wow, I actually had to go through that in order to get where I am now. You need to have full trust in the process and in your life path that everything is happening in your best interest at all times. I remember being 17 through to about 20 years old and I just had a chain of unhealthy relationships, bad breakups, nothing was working out for me.
And I remember just crying and being upset and feeling sorry for myself and thinking, why is this happening to me? My other friends were either in long lasting relationships that were working out or they hadn't had dating experiences at all yet. So why did I have this unfair thing where I was being heartbroken over and over and over again?
I am now 22 and I look back and I laugh at that version of me and I thank the universe for giving me that experience because I'll tell you what I wouldn't be on YouTube right now I wouldn't have built this platform or had this job had I not had that very pivotal experience of dating multiple people of having my heart broken I wouldn't have learned anything about relationships I wouldn't have learned anything about myself I wouldn't have even known what healing meant what it was like to recreate yourself go through a glow-up go through a transformation that was my why. That is why it had to happen to me. And for that reason, every bad thing that comes into my life now, I'm like, thank you.
This is, I don't know what it is yet, but this is gonna lead to something great. And you need to start acting like that about your own life. Step number five, change the narrative, aka go laugh in the places you once cried.
If you and your ex have a super significant place and you don't even wanna go there because it's just gonna remind you of them, you're going to force yourself to go there and you're going to do something else. You can bring your friends there. You need to create more positive experiences by yourself in those places, in that city, in that restaurant to erase the memory of them and to stop attaching yourself to them and that relationship and allowing literal locations to be defined by a relationship that is no longer serving you.
And that way you're not constantly stuck in this torturous trap of not being able to go certain places because you don't want to be reminded of them. Okay. We are here to get to the place where you can be reminded of them. and feel nothing. Step number six, create a new routine.
The purpose of this is to separate yourself from being that person's ex. that's not you anymore. You are an entirely different person. You are on an upwards trajectory.
You have so much opportunity coming to you right now. It's time to level up. You can change your environment, change your life, your habits, your appearance. Essentially, this is changing everything in your life so it no longer reminds you of them. And also knowing that you have changed and up-leveled so much that one, you're super proud of yourself because you're like, look how much I've grown and come a long way.
And two, my ex doesn't even know me anymore. because I'm not stuck in that place. Best feeling ever. This links into step number seven.
What is your purpose slash mission? Because it can't be romantic love anymore. Some people say, I don't miss my ex, I just miss being loved.
Okay, why can't you love yourself? I don't get it. Life isn't just about finding your soulmate.
In fact, that should be your last priority because so much happiness and fulfillment comes before that. But I don't even blame you for having that desire because many of us women have been conditioned that finding a husband should be our priority. primary goal. I spent majority of my life thinking in that way until I eventually broke free and I wrote out a list of where I saw myself in five years, what my goals were.
I allowed myself to dream so big, I created my vision board, I held myself accountable, I packed out my calendar so I'd actually be achieving these goals every single day and immediately my focus shifted from I wonder if that boy likes me, what if I meet my soulmate today, when am I gonna get a boyfriend to I am becoming more financially independent, I am ticking off all of my goals, I am making my younger self proud every single day, my purpose is to educate and inspire as many young women I can on the internet, the last thing I am worried about is impressing a man, missing my ex, please. That is the power of finding something you're passionate about and pouring all of your energy into that because then you don't have any time or energy to complain about being single, not having a crush, being bored because you're not in a relationship, oh my god everybody else is doing this and getting married and I'm not. You don't even realise it.
And the last step of the healing process, the glow up. The best part of a breakup is leveling up to the point where you are no longer in your ex's league. But the key to this step is that you have to be intrinsically motivated for it to work.
What does that mean? That means not doing it for anybody else's benefit. I know it can be so fun to get wrapped up in the anger and your ego and like outdoing your ex, getting revenge, making them regret that they ever lost you because you're doing so well now. Nuh-uh.
That is the complete wrong way to look at it and you're just gonna burn out in the end. Being intrinsically motivated, meaning that you're doing this for you. Outdo who you were yesterday. You are at the center of this glow up. It's got nothing to do with anyone else.
You're gonna- to get to the point that you are so unbelievably hot and confident that you look back and start to laugh at the fact that you even associated yourself with that person the fact that you even called them your ex and this is the place I'm at right now but the people are I used to cry over. I'm like, look at me. I make it happen.
I'm responsible. I'm smart. I'm intelligent. I'm independent.
I'm emotionally mature. I'm kind. I set goals and I achieve them.
I am destined for so much. A man is the least of my worries. And this entire thought process and daily peace I experienced as a result was only came about by becoming the woman of my dreams.
So you're going to script it out. Who is she? What does she do on a daily basis?
What are her hobbies? What are her career? What does she think like? What does she act like? What does she say?
Who does she hang around with? Script it out, then do it. And if you need more guidance on how to do this, then check out all the other videos on my channel because that's what I'm here for.
Chapter three, living. This is an absolutely essential chapter and it's something that not a lot of people ever discuss. Essentially, this is once you have grieved, you've healed, you've moved on, and now this is how you're gonna start living your daily life so you don't end up in this torture ever again.
Listen, you will probably get your heart broken once again. But it doesn't have to ruin your life. The next time it happens, you'll be sad, you'll cry, you'll grieve, but you won't lose yourself.
You won't want to keep going back to them. You won't revolve your entire life around them. And that's due to the following pieces of advice that are going to ensure you actually live a fulfilling life and grow yourself love. Let's go.
Step number one, regular solo dating when in and out of dating. That's right. Even if you do eventually get a boyfriend, okay, this is all about the living chapter, okay? You got over your ex, now you're in a new relationship, you are still going to take yourself on solo dates.
I spent longer than I should have in really bad relationships because I feared being alone and being without that person. After my self-love journey, if I went on a couple of dates with someone and I saw even one red flag, I'm walking because I'm fully content with life on my own. So why would I settle for any less?
I don't need your company. I need you to meet my high standards. Step number two, live detached. This is about constantly releasing control and being separated from the outcome. AKA, if you are interested in someone, you're not attaching to the end goal of, oh my God.
we're gonna get married and we're gonna stay together forever and all of that. All of those expectations break your heart, keep you in this loop of suffering and once again you're focusing all of your attention into romantic love. When you live detached you focus on all of the things you can control which is your own life, your own endeavors, your goals, your career, your happiness, your friends, your relationship with your family and you are living in the present moment when you do start to date and when you are in relationships and you know if this person were to leave me tomorrow I'm going to be absolutely okay and if you want to know how to absolutely master detachment i have an entire video on this step number three don't beat yourself up for having flashbacks it's only natural you experience life with this person for however long your love is never wasted And like I said before, deleting pictures of a person in your phone is okay because the memory of them in your head will live on forever.
And that's a beautiful thing. Whether it ended on bad terms or not, you really cared for that person at one point. And that in itself makes the experience worth it. So when you do get flashbacks of your ex, use that as an opportunity to forgive. We can't keep holding on to grudges and doing the whole he said, she said anger thing for years.
Because when we hold these grudges, it sabotages our future relationships. It only breeds our trust issues. when you forgive them only then can you fully let go and move on into the next phase of your life step number four focus on your career or your hobbies like i said before this is about driving your mission what are you the most passionate about it could be doing art on the side it could be turning your hobby into your career it could be taking care of your family essentially this gives you drive and purpose outside of how other people feel about you and outside of your relationships step number five practice self love This is the process of becoming your best friend and giving yourself everything that you would expect from a relationship and then some. You know why?
Because when you start spoiling yourself, taking yourself out on dates, providing for yourself, being an independent boss bitch, you will never settle for the bare minimum again. Because then when you start to date, it's like, okay, but I can pay my bills and I can take myself out to eat and I spoil myself in X, Y, and Z. So if you can't give me all of that and more, why would I date you?
And step number six, join a club or start a new hobby. Oh my god, this is my favorite step and it's the most exciting, okay? Imagine when you watch like a rom-com or a movie where a woman at the beginning has like got her heart shattered and then she like moves to the big city and starts a new job and becomes this whole new person and she starts trying out all of these new different things, okay?
This is that, basically. This is a chance to change and discover who you really are outside of other people. Try doing things you never would have done before. Go on a hike, try pilates, go to an art class.
And finally that brings us to the last chapter, number four, the homework chapter. If you're new here we end every single video with a homework chapter so I can give you guys actionable steps to start healing ASAP. Let's get into it.
Now step number one is you are about to build your own breakup playlist okay and I put this as step number one because I want you to listen to this playlist when you are about to carry out all of the other steps I'm about to give you, okay? But if you're too lazy and you don't want to make a breakup playlist, guess what? I already did it for you right before I made this video.
You can go on my Spotify. The link is in the description. I've made a playlist called Get Over Him.
He Doesn't Even Deserve You. You can go and give that a listen. And this is filled with not sad breakup songs, but empowering breakup songs.
that make you feel like that girl that make you grateful for the fact that you're even in a breakup right now homework task number two remember to move out if you haven't already delete their number in your phone remove them from socials remove any presence they have in your physical environment in your emotional environment get rid homework task number three identify your toxic traits girl do some shadow work write a list out in your journal where did you go wrong because at the end of the day that's the only thing you can control and in order to reach a better future we gotta work on ourselves so then we can open the doors to better opportunities in our dating life homework task number four write down your breakup affirmations you can make your own you can copy the ones that i said in this video you can even go on pinterest type in like breakup quotes okay and figure out what your motto is set it as your phone wallpaper write it down somewhere you're gonna see every day but basically an empowering saying that keeps you on track to remember that this entire process is worth it and there is light at the end of the tunnel and your life and you are about to get a whole lot better as a result Homework task number five, do one thing for your future self this week. It could be reading a self-help book, book that flight, research that business idea, invest your first bit of money, learn a new skill, join the gym, shoot your friendship shot, go out and create your life. Homework task number six, create your new routine.
Remember this is about creating separation from the you that was your ex's girlfriend to the new you. Build a new life for yourself so your ex doesn't know anything about you anymore. Homework task number seven, script out your dream woman. Okay, write a list of everything she does, how she spends her time, who she is.
And then I want you to take that list and then put those bullet points into calendar format. I want you to literally schedule time throughout this month of August and literally turn that list into an actionable schedule where you're actually going to commit to becoming that dream woman. Homework task number eight, solo date.
I had this homework task a few videos back, I think. The amount of you that DMed your solo dates to me, I am so proud of you guys and in case you're new here and you're watching this because you're going through a breakup, trust me when I say a solo date is going to save you, it's going to open up your horizons, it's going to make you feel so much better about yourself. If you're feeling uncomfortable about it, I have an entire video on my channel on solo date advice if you're feeling nervous, I highly recommend you watch that. And lastly, hermic task number nine, schedule time for yourself and a loved one. Whether it be a sibling, a parent, a friend, a co-worker, a new acquaintance.
You're going to spend time with this person and grow that bond with them to remind yourself that life is still very much full of love And the different forms of love that you can experience through all of these different relationships will continue to grow and flourish. And that brings us to the end of this video. I hope you guys enjoyed it. If you did, comment down below and let me know how it helped you.
Give this video a thumbs up and subscribe because I make videos every week here on Fridays. Don't forget, I also have a second channel that you can check out, which is linked in the description, as well as a podcast. And if you guys loved the advice that I gave in this video, then you should go out and check my TikTok, also linked down below. where I kind of give tin bits of information every single day with dating and relationships and self-love and all of that good stuff.
So you can keep up with me every single day. Thank you so much for watching. I appreciate you and I'll see you in the next one.
Bye.