Transcript for:
Friendship and 'Ketchup Friends'

this friendship is just like pointless it's like every 3 Monon comedic relief they are slowly becoming catchup friends and I have been quite scared every 3 months that you end up meeting up you are talking about the same thing I have this friend right she stole my eggs I think nothing WR are you just a ketchup friend this is your daily ketchup friends than hey J have you heard about revolute revolute what's that only the most Innovative Finance super app out there with revolute you can handle so many Money Matters using just one app exchange currencies send money domestically or abroad get cash back and rewards when you spend and much more ooh but I'm always hesitant about using my cut abroad because of those unfavorable exchange rate and additional fees You Know M but not anymore revolute offers great exchange rates and lets you spend in over 150 currencies you can easily exchange currencies within the app anytime anywhere damn and if you need to send money abroad revolute also lets you send more than 83 currencies swiftly with extremely low fees time to up your money game with revolute and here's the best part sign up to revolute for free spend $20 SGD and get $10 SGD cash back THS and conditions apply it's free to download so there are no downsides to downloading and trying it out it's great so I really recommend it revolute money Methods made simpler okay welcome back everybody weow a long time we are talking about the topic of friendships and this is interesting because it's a Tik tocker that sham sent to me actually so she talks about the concept of a ketchup friend very problem guys okay so the concept is that these are friends right that whenever you meet you meet like once every 3 to six months maybe and then whenever you meet up right it's just like a cliff notes version or like a debrief of what happened throughout the time that you were apart and then you say person say anything it's almost like an interview that time to go home ready and so like she's this person is kind of sharing like her grievance because she feels like a lot of her friendships has devolved into catchup friends like so people that in uni when they will hang out day by day right then she says like these people are the people that do life with me they Journey with me through like my ups and downs right and then they can see the intricacies of what makes me a person and then that's what forms that Bond but now as an adult and everybody's working it's just unrealistic to like keep the same uh closeness and I just don't have as much time to spend with somebody in school I go to classes every day with the same person so she's saying that like there is this thing that she noticed is happening and then she's going to share some tips to try to help you overcome if you realize that you also are a ketchup friend or have ketchup friends I'm trying to audit my friendships now I think yes and no way because I I I also took a look at the video and she was saying that with ketchup friends right because you don't meet for three to six months and you only talk about on the surface stuff like oh how's the house or how's like the wife or how's the do and all that that you don't get to talk about certain things and I think she list like like philosophy or like politics or issues I don't like to talk about that though yeah like to me I think it depends on the objective of like the meetups at the end of the day like if you're all going out clubbing and having a good time then it's like hey by the way I really want to talk about racism like I really want to talk about poverty like right now it's like is that really the time and place or so no but I think it's not just that it's about like things that you are constant about and are thinking about right but you will not bring up to a ketchup because you are busy trying to catch up so I actually I don't I want to save it for later but actually it's the complete opposite for me because I have friends that I meet like regularly and in my life stage now regularly means once every two weeks I friend I thought so too uh it's almost like sex uh and then uh I that's not that's very good that's double A lot of people thank you thank you very much and then I have like a couple of friends either because of work or because of GE geographical reasons like we meet like once every 6 months or once a year almost right and the friends that I actually meet very rarely once a year once every 6 months we will have like five to six hour like conversations and that's the conversation that we get really deep about and it's the ones that I meet every two weeks where it's not deep because it's like you're doing this on a weekday night sometimes but like like see what time you come to work okay okay no as as in this long long 6our conversation but it depends on the the objective and cuz like I also might not want to like hang out with you every two weeks and suddenly get into super deep conversations like I already spend so much time stressing over like work or like life and all this like I just want to hang out and distress decompress I I think I'm a bit opposite okay I okay if catch our friends cuz I feel CU I feel like already have a close circle of friends right which I if I share something with them right I don't have to go into like a full context of why I feel like this it's like I already tell them like every like week right how I'm feeling really you do yeah like I just how like what like like how this how but I don't have to like explain like oh what I've been through before I can just say I said for example and they were like ah yeah it's they know what happened and these are your ketchup friends no no these are my close friends yeah so katchup friends feel like a little like like if when you eat a sweet that kind like suddenly Sugar Rush right cuz y were like yeah I haven't made a long while then you just talk about random then you can just be like la la la la they go home you don't have to talk about like R deep things about your life or whatever it's just like have fun but I think the random is what they're talking about that random doesn't need to be deep it can it doesn't it doesn't have to be philosophical in that sense it could be like a what if then just sit down there and imagine the what if together like what if we when we both graduated we started a company what if I didn't start a company what if I joined the zoo like I wanted to be a zookeeper then how my life would have been different then we just imagine then we just crack jokes I feel like that is already higher that a catchup no but you thing is like you go there you la la after you move on you for kind of forget about it right and then it's just like this friendship is just like pointless it's like every three Monon comedic relief great that's a great friendship no no but I I forget 99% of things say to me I think depends because there's some catchup friendships right where you every 3 months that you end up meeting up you are talking about the same thing supposed to actually evolving the conversation so saying 3 months ago you said this did anything change or not or actually act on it or whatever then that takes active friendship to be able to listen remember as opposed to like hey what happened and then you're thinking wait you ask me this same thing again okay I'll just tell you the story maybe I forgot and that kind of thing I feel like it's the housework that I just like yeah okay where do I begin that I try to recap yeah but I I think one thing that I found right that was actually quite um CTIC for me or like therapeutic in some way right is that when I have friends that I meet like once every 6 months and then I realize that need to kind of tell them that something maybe happened to me 3 months ago but I've actually overcome it already but now as I'm telling them the full story right I'm talking about the initial like maybe trauma incident or whatever and now that I've healed from it I feel myself talking about it and go wow I've actually healed from it and it's almost quite nice to be able to go through that whole like Journey again to to walk them through but these are these are two different types of friends though I feel like I need a friend right that will go through that process with me versus another friend like at the end of everything I can be more reflective about it yeah but it depends also when you're meeting them and when the the the traumatic events I think what she's saying here is the friends through that process right they were with you for a while and then now that you graduated moved on with your life and everything then um when you come back together right she missed that part she miss that part like like being able to share everything anything under the sun with that person you know just because we are always we work together or we like school together you know I don't think I have this friend at sh is talking about a ketchup friend neither do I feel I need it huh you press everything yourself yeah saying you don't need a friend to Journey with you oh no or rather I don't have okay but I don't feel like I'm lacking it yeah and I feel like I might be a ketchup friend but I'm very happy to hear their ketchup but when you ask me like so what's going on with my life right I would think very hard right then I'll be like nothing much and if let's say something did happen right then because I I processed it and then I healed from it or whatever not right I would think back then because I heal from it right the trauma doesn't stay with me I I just feel that yeah turns out it's a nothing Burger you know when I save game right when the whole story is saved into my head right and then the conclusion is just oh back to neutral position or positive position right or small bum right to me it's just not worth not worth telling you cuz like over like you're going to ask me about it then I'm like no but it's nothing you know I mean like everything I say but I'm okay now you know then I'm still feel like so many cavas then no point no I think because I feel closer to the person right when I hear their their fears their what excites them and all that you know like versus they tell me oh now I I got a promotion at work that's it and congratulations that's it but I want to know like why how hard that person work towards that promotion or like what were you think they remember yes like if you ask me I have no CL okay like I want to Journey with that person I want to be part of that process so that I can no but you want to be part of this for every friend not every friend you see most friends I mean close friends and I hope that I they can do that with me also but you think your closeup friends now are catchup friends I think they are slowly becoming catchup friends and I have been quite scared I think no no no so I think from I'm just defining myself because I feel like people just catch up to me and I have a great time no but don't you think it's cuz you're attached no no because also attached what do you mean you feel bed at 1:00 a.m. to say hey I need a chat or like come over no I feel like you feel very secure in your relationship so you don't feel like if I have no friend mind yeah I cannot say this the last time I said this I canot okay I'm surrounded by very wonderful people that I call my my good friends half half okay so to me if I put your in a scenario I'm I'm being called to the boss's office right in my H is that I'm I'm scared but it's happening now so I'm going to go in and then I'm going to make a story out the conclusion that there my hit right so I I will call and then I might text a friend and then catch up the whole story what happened I was like no conclusion what you going because I already know I going to say you going to tell me don't scare I know you know like sh you try your best I know you know but you you don't really know if I tried my best you know what I mean but this the going to tell me anyway so to me it's just what's interesting for me as input to you is that if I tell you what my boss actually s to me if tell let's say I get promoted so then my entire story was yo got promoted you know I skip the yeah the process the middle part yeah we just read but I have this get your friendship which is very interesting in that that like I'm a very recap person but being a content creator as a profession then I'm forced to always tell stories and be in the moment when I tell a story and not tell a story after it has happened no but I feel like there like I'm now realizing that your friendship concept is so different because it's like say when you meet up with other people sorry when you meet up with friends and then you realize that there's nothing much to catch them up about right and then you are just talking about this hypothetical what if and then you just having fun in that moment how do you then connect on like each other's lives like what's happening in each other's lives and then like supporting that friend how does that part come in don't you feel like katchup FR is like very superficial is like not all the time but at sometime when you keep like it house life are you okay or not that's no but then it means that you're not putting in the effort correct correct I feel like it's only catchup if you also catchup yeah yeah because you know like at one point right on the internet like we were glamorizing like oh low maintenance friendship and all that so to me I always thought my best friends right we are all just low maintenance and that's chill cuz we are chill like that right after by the way after that right I start to feel very lonely and I start to I realize this this comment that I read right they talk about how she has something that something big that she want to tell someone a a close friend but she realized that she needs to go through the catchup fa face face first before telling them the good stuff or the bad stuff that she's facing but that's her them fault why because she never catch them up there nobody's up to date true you you don't say you want people keep asking you what's up what's up what's up correct correct so so I when I read the comment I felt like oh is that what is that what's happening to me and my friends so now I'm putting a lot more effort with my friends so I'll will text them random things like hey you tell me about your life can just drop me random messages so that have you gotten any of this i hav n clear know where we stand oh get get happy Monday today is a happy Monday okay no it's like the week like a convo starter because I have a friend who puts a lot of effort into her friendships so like every day right she'll text different groups of friends she's not propping out the friendships in Singapore so like even she in the car she'll like show like she going somewhere on Day wish me like kind of I feel like because of that right then I also try to get the habit of if I think of something and I want to tell someone I just like text straight away like yesterday I was listening to this like 9 song then I randomly text this friend who I never text for them long about it then we had a great like five minute conversation about it and then like and actually that that is something that I I look out for whenever there are certain like references like maybe like a billboard or like a picture or like something like that happens and I know actually this person would really love it if I would send to them like I do make a conscious effort to like just take a picture and then like send to that person and I think that really starts the the conversation again but I I I think the one thing that is quite painful and maybe it's a little bit closer to what you're talking about like suddenly realizing that loneliness is when you do have a friend or had a friend that you were really really close to and would be very open and share about a lot of things and you actually notice the evolution of splitting apart or getting further and further away sometimes I think about it I cry to sleep yeah it's it's quite sad because like you know that you are still leaving your heart open for that friendship but that person's heart is closing uh for for for many different reasons might not even be personal for your own but then you are like trying and trying and realize that you're not getting it back and then you don't know what do I do now do why like the fair thing to do is to go okay if this person is not putting in effort for whatever reason then maybe I shouldn't also be investing so much of my time in this friendship but you also know that maybe this is just a phase and then how long do you wait for um to put it there because maybe the friendship just means more to you than the other some people give back a Revenge distance cuz you distance from me I will Revenge distance you but really it was just face yeah yeah but I think the difficulty with trying to how to say like catch everyone up with my life cuz I'm thinking like is it I am the best friend like I am lacking updates like I should have reached out more I should have maybe shared about my life more when this person asked me oh how it's work you know then but I'm thinking like there are also a lot of times for example I mean I cannot be close to multiple people at the same time we understand in fact you literally can't I think that's a like psychological Circle right where it's like acquaintances is like 150 then it goes down to like 50 10 to 50 and then you have five close friends standard deviation of 5% yeah so I remember seeing this diagram somewhere but then so I'm thinking right if say I have these two people that are from college or what that I'm very close to last time but then as life moves on then they all enter different stages of their life maybe they all get attached and that I'm still single right and then they put their focus on different things be it work on like different people they don't invest as much effort into me already right then I will start feeling that drift or so and then like it gets a bit awkward like difficult to text this person and then that's when the rift just starts being like it grows wider and wider yeah so then is then why why is it awkward to text this person why don't you just begin and say hey being a w yeah we used to text all the time h no but then right when the be a become like three times in a row right you know I text it kind of dies then it text kind of dies you know then it's like I feel bad for like not replying as much or so and then that person reply as much then we just imp yeah this conversation is terrible for me no but you see you seem like the kind like even if I never talk to you for a while I meet you they feel like we we often yeah so I I when the whole face of the low maintenance friendship coming right I was like wow finally 20 I'm low maintenance I low maintenance no I think you are the genuine low maintenance I'm like a ecosphere you know what I mean you just to about water and there then you're like yes I live forever life yeah but I think also what what you want from the Friendship so like for me right I always thought that I can live with low maintenance friends and I'm starting to realized that I I want more than low maintenance friends the loneliness I had a friend recently that tell me I won't say the name right but this person just recently recounted they were very close to this other person but they have since drifted so my friend understands that the other friend is busy and with new things now but it feels like the effort is missing and that is what's impacting their friendship and so we were having a conversation about like how do you measure your quality of friendship like what is the love language of your friendship because it may not be the same love language as with your romantic partner and my that friend then said that oh it's I think it's the effort that you put into the Friendship but it's also subjective though because someone could be putting a my I'm like whoo I'm [Music] right they were trying to tell you something with to do this lucky like today with you know because that person just pouring out to you right now but like actually you also give enough effort but to me that is my effort consistency not intensity yeah no so the problem with low maintenance friendship is that it end up right one person is the one that is always putting in the effort to even keep it at a low maintenance level so that's where the problem not to say that there is a friend that I don't want to like yeah I love that friend very much like you know it's just like when when when that friend said it's it's it's about the effort oh it really is to me eort right I very angry cuz I feel like no matter what Rel ship friendship your romantic relationship your relationship the parents everything need effort I feel like as long as there's insufficient effort on either side right that relationship just but how you count as effort though I feel like in many of my friendships that lost right in those friendships I think I put Max effort Max effort and not in the way that Saturday Sunday I show you out Saturday Sunday I show you why you're doing why you doing doing let's go let's go let's go let's go cuz like I got my family then I got P then very kny face and all that stuff right so which is pass great um and and so it's like cannot you know but at the Times where you are in trouble at 1: a.m. 2: a.m. a text and I'm I'm downstairs your house kind of vibe right to me is Max effort you know you you you never you ever need anything I I got you you need to be connected to someone or whatever like a job or whatever like I will bend over backwards to make a connection that I believe your other friends can never make happen even if they want to give you time so to me I feel like Max effort so to me I got two feedback one of which was that I feel like they feel like I drew a wall around myself M you remember I got their feedback before no no but but you the one initiating because no one one not with the but but no one sees that like like I also feel like I'm the kind that if you call me I'm like I'm there I'm like I'm always the friend that always I think I'm very reliable right but it may not be the case for a lot of people because they don't see it on con like basis that's something that they activate like once every six months as a oppos to the other friend who's always saying hey like like let's hang out and to some of them that's effort you know and this this thing that I recently read about that is called bits for connection or bits of connection one of those but essentially it kills relationships so I wonder whether it's the case that like they feel like oh like only when I need help that I can go to then but then actually not very interested in building a personal relationship with me so whenever like say I send you a meme or whatever right that's my bit for connection right and then it's just like hahaa then it just ends there you know five friends that I do this on Instagram yeah exactly that no but I feel like effort is also very very like subtle because you can clearly see the effort when someone tries to ask for someone to open up or ask to go out but there's also the other side of effort which is that the recognizing that someone is trying to get you to open up and you don't and I feel like I have a very specific moment in my friendship group where I didn't open up and I think that created a bit of a rift that I still see today so like I remember being it was very early on in my relationship with net and I was on holiday with my my guy friend and I was clearly very distraught throughout the holiday I wasn't very present and so they kept saying like hey what's wrong like come come and talk to us and then like the the the one that I was closest to would like come and meet me in my room cuz I was just like hold up and he said talk to the guys come on like we talk about everything and because it was so early in my relationship I didn't want to set a bad impression so then I just said NOA it's nothing it's it's really nothing but obviously I just wasn't a active member in the entire holiday group and so then I think from the more onwards it became very weird for me to open up about anything after that cuz it feels like I don't know yeah I don't know it was like 6 years ago seven years ago but but yeah because I feel like maybe it's just in my head right but I feel a perception towards me as oh then doesn't open up our stuff anymore I think right what would have been perceived as effort in that case right would have been if you just say oh like just something I'm thinking about with like my new relationship yeah no no it was that so I think like ever since that moment like no no one ask like you know like but I also try not to like make it seem like I I think my my problem and this is a bigger wider problem is that I never like to burn like any friends so I would never ask them out for like anything cuz I feel like I don't want to waste your time to hang out with me kind of that's my mental very exhausting you know the way you carry that around is very exhausting when you clearly need help and support yeah and when it's offered to you they like no is them exhausting exhausting for friend for the friend yeah it's exting for me so but it's just something I just can't maybe I need a lot of therapy but like I I can't get that out of my head that at the end of day my problem is my problem and I'll fix it myself and it's like then did you get that feeling on your wedding day that I describe I I realized we never had this conversation go what no no is nothing it's a bit dumb actually I I remember on my wedding day at church early in the morning where everyone started streaming in and the groomsman and the bridesma come in right and then for me my was very early right M was like 9:00 a.m. or something like that my first feeling was it's sorry you have to wake up and come here for this did you did you get that Vibe on your wedding day like bur like you feel like thankfully his wedding was in the afternoon oh afternoon I see I thought was no but I I think I I did feel and like my my gr would think I'm stupid for feeling this but I did always feel bad like that they have to help me out with everything I was so exhausted Le my wedding cuz I tried to do all the work that need to do for them so that they had like the least amount of stuff to do which which is not a good tip by the way for to plan for your wedding you should delegate I mean do most of the heavy lifting right your friends are not paid to help you do most of the heavy lifting but really involve your friends in the process so that they they make themsel Envision that night correct yeah if not when things go up on that day I literally don't know how to help yeah yeah so on the note of trying to fix ketchup friendships do you have any advice or anything that yall have realized worked for you so for example what the Tik tocker which is actually called Bianca sorry I haven't mentioned her name so far so Bianca actually was sharing that like what she does is she sends voice notes to her friends cuz sometimes it's just like the story so damn long right it's so difficult to type and I need to type for 15 minutes and then after that I'm so and then I need to repeat this story to fight groups of friends and then it's just impossible so she'll just like record a voice not and then oh you know this it's almost like last time people just get on the phone and talk voice notes are damn refle for me I hate voice notes especially when we started text we start text text halfway then you voice note me right I'm you assume driving you you assume that that that I have I'm in a space I blast your yeah yeah for her context is like if I know that someone is telling me their life story that I just listen when I can no but then if there's no like this is my life story then okay okay so I have to then hello you like a thumbnail yeah at least effort you never effort never me then about me that I don't like when I have to reply the voice note with a voice note right then let's say I laugh it I like I Let Go was a great story I think that's the best story ever told always kill moment oh I always mean as a compliment everyone always offense like it's just like I Wasing day there's no good there's no nice way to say good for you nobody I I never think too much say I'm for youen good for you no that was terrible that sounda pointed Okay I uh I'm happy for you you must say for good for you then you know good for you you know clap good then I got promoted at work good for you oh not bad that's not bad that's not bad no I see there no there's no way there's no way to do it just sounds so sarcastic okay anyway sarcastic I I want to say that um as a way to like kind of break the cycle of like um catchup friendships and something that work for me I think if you are part of a big large group right it's very hard to get everybody to hang out all together all at once and it becomes like further and further AP part the catchup so what work for my friendship group is that we unintentionally just happened to form smaller groups based on certain interest like CCA yeah yeah yeah exactly that so like so like within the bigger friendship group there's like the gaming group that will game every single night and then um there's also the football watch along so now it's gotten to a point every weekend right we're on Discord watching football in our own homes but we're like commenting together and so we like and and that's actually where we do catch up about random things you should stream it no one will watch like so lame and like we're quite offensive um a lot of people will watch exactly part is this private exactly and like whether it's like it could be gyming it could be golfing it could be all this random stuff and then like you just I'm definitely not part of the D group as you can tell no way God that's the most honest thing you've ever seen good good good for good for you thanks man I took no offense in any of that no wait let me try again then tonight's no okay I have a tip I have a tip because I realized I was thinking of some friendships of which what kind of conversations do we actually have right and I realized I I I feel like I don't have catchup friendships but maybe I'm the CCH friend maybe all your friendship are catch up friendship no I think I maybe no catch up you CU you don't say anything no they catch up at me cuz I don't say anything but I don't I got nothing to say back okay yeah so I it's me it's me interview it's me daily catch uping them yeah but they don't catch up me cuz either they always saw it on Instagram or what not then they already comment on it then we had a little mini sidebar at the at the DM section so like we're done or like they will see something then they will text me then we're done so when we meet right me saying it then feels a bit flaunty cuz if I post about it by virtue is usually a good thing right yeah and I think with many Rel I think John Paul brought this up before there are certain group of friends and he didn't like it but to be honest I I rather enjoy this with my group of that particular girlfriends which is that because we are bonded by a sh trauma of an experience right be NS or be in your first company for me and all that stuff we always meet up and the jokes always go back to our the same few moments that we relieve over and over again but it'sing been a decade yeah but we we will still relieve those jokes until our partners get really sick because they were not there yeah yeah um but I mean I I I'm okay with it I think yeah is good I love to like gossip about the past yeah you remember the time honestly the story changes over time they have different memories of you what might be a very set story right you might suddenly as as you say over the years it becomes a very funny story right then you start adding insults right then you start imagining yourself right when that thing happen actually Ro I you did not roll but whatever I just run you no it's true yeah but conversation is so draining for me no but what not exciting anymore like why why am I keep talking about why do I keep talking about the past like it this happened this fact happened yes okay move on but is that not what you want in your friendship you want to tell them everything about now I want to tell them my top process like the process of things not the last week I did this sure last week I did this but then during that I was thinking about this no but I think he's saying that it's like for example that is the shed memory that yall have yeah is the reason why you're friends Almost yeah yeah but there sure but there like a not every time me you every time we say the same no when I see sat and with shea you know Shea when when I see sa I remember the time she throw my sat on the floor yeah and and I will give her for it until I die yeah so I have this friend right she stole my eggs we roommate so she stole my eggs every time we meet right I'm kidding okay no no she stole my eggs to cook and then I like no eggs then I was like from then I was damn angry at her then that's the only time I angry at her then from there on every time we meet she always say sorry sorry about the egg sorry about the EG every time we like hey you eat more okay you eat but this is the little things of doing life and this little moment like it's been like 10 years we still joke about the egg yeah yeah yeah she like okay next time I eat your egg yeah okay I actually feel like it's easier to talk about thought process and things like that with people that you're not super close to or maybe not your closest friends because then you're actually more into aging into like that conversation I feel like with the closer friends you just want to have fun and be idiots I feel like I have this particular friend right last time we grew up right we deviant together and you know we like we were no no no like we we we make our own P rock bands that kind of stuff so we like hang out with people that take drugs and all that stuff and then we hang out with people dead right so like that kind of seen one SE and I remember I I always sometimes like when he's in a dark place and what not be like why don't you come to church with me see like smart for religion kind of VI you know like it does not make sense it does not add up kind of if God exist why he's there and then he suddenly had a very Monumental period in his life and then he pivot and then he went to the ultra light side like if I say everybody know who I'm talking about like you know ter yeah I'm just going to say so his name is Josh yeah so he he's now a pastor oh yeah and he he really found God he speaks to God and now when we meet right he will leave and say John can I pray for you wow you know that kind of stuff and like really switch but the weird thing is that we no longer connect at that level that bonded us yeah you know but I'm so happy for him seeing him good for him you know yeah really good it really is so good for him that's how you say you got we can only say in can only say in person and now you see him really turn over the leaf right so when we meet and we catch up once in a year now cuz it's based in Australia right we don't have the same conversations or Bond the way we used to Born because I'm still somewhat in the the ghetto yeah I'm still in the ghetto you know and it's with this particular friendship right where I recognize that my success and accomplishments or the things that I'm interested or I think is funny may not be as appealing to him mhm right it does not matter to him oh you know I exited from the company you know like to him is like imator you know I'm man of Christ now you know and for him is if he's going to tell me about his faster stuff he might he's worried that I don't care yeah which genuinely I'm not that interested in but I'm genuinely interested in how do you train to be a pastor house life living in Australia that kind of stuff right and so when we meet right I realize we don't talk about our life cuz I'm I'm afraid I bought him he's afraid he BS me do you miss that do you miss that old friendship no because I think something always comes into field that M you have different friends right in different seasons at different phases of your life and they here to give you want take away and if you get the takeaways that you're supposed to take away right that season must change if not you cease to grow as a person my God this you must internalize this that no one is meant everybody that comes into your life was sent to your life but not everybody was meant to stay for everyone some of them supposed to come here and hurt you are then they will leave if not another person will be sent to hurt you until you learn the lesson so like whenever happens right you must figure out why is the lesson I'm supposed to learn here then am I cing on to my friendship slightly I don't know that I don't know I don't know your friendships oh yeah but I think it's recognizing like like so something that I mean cuz I talked about losing friends and all that it may not necessarily be about the same group but like I think something that I'm consciously trying to tell myself and some weeks I'm great some weeks I'm not great is is recognizing which are the friendships that that still give you Joy like you you put in a certain effort and you see it back in this phase of my life I don't make friends easily and the ones that I decide like hey you know what I want this person to be my friend I really put 110% effort and when I feel I don't get even close to half of that back it gets very exhausting and I'm trying to audit my life and go is this fair for me is this fair for me is this fair for me there's nothing offensive there's nothing negative about it it's just me looking out for me because I cannot be putting there's only a finite amount of resources of social energy or whatever that you can put in M what is so appealing about that friendship that does not please your soul right that makes you want to go back for more pain I think it's because it's very easy when you look at it hindsight oh yeah that friendship pass and you naturally just but I feel like I am in that moment of it splitting and then it becomes very real and then you try to hold on because you remember what the Friendship used to be like 6 months ago a year ago and you go those were amazing like just moments like that just and you took for granted and you maybe wish that you were there in a good old days and so like then you're trying to hold on and you're in that dilemma where you go the crossroads where you go should I really give this one last push or should I just let it go and with the one last one last push there's also like expectations sending disappointments I mean it's so complicated and I don't want to Dag this on but then it's also realizing is this just a face for that person also and and and realizing and I think like one thing that helps is obviously conversing about it and understanding from that person's point of view but it's also like looking at that actions and looking at how that person is with other people and stuff like that and you just realize that maybe again it's nothing malicious it's just the way how friendships work L and I do think that like you need to be able to recognize the moment you want to let go right so that you can more consciously invest in other relationships like you mentioned so for example for shs right like if even if you had these close friends that you feel very hard to let go off because they have been your friends for like 10 years like since like last time that you're close and like now you're still now and then try try try right but then so that is difficult to let go off and then because of that then you don't recognize right that they actually more so called beneficial friendships right that you could have been building yeah I think it's also the fact that I I find it very difficult to it's easy for me to make friends but it's very difficult for me to keep friends I don't have that energy so like say I choose you to be my friend right I like what like what he said I want to give you 100% And if I don't get it back right it's very hard for me to move on yeah because I'm only choose you really don't no but what does 100% what does you give me 100% if let's say you want to try and befriend me what does you giving me 100% look like like I'm very like sensitive to your uh maybe your emotions and all that your the day to your achievements small small things I want you congratulate me and you check I will text you I'll check in on you I'm like hey how's today today uh like I will do a lot of I'll ask you to hang out with us you in very invested in their happiness like you remember that these are the things that they worri about that's what I want to do I want to choose a friend I want to celebrate that friend but you not worry that they feel like you are suffocating them especially if that person in their life right yeah that that person's I'm not saying this is this is beautiful okay and I hope you never change okay but I think sometimes when you do it with someone that already has a shs yeah I understand then and they have invested in their shs and now your second shs right and it feels like I need to be present for two shs now and now second shs is exhausting no I think that's why it's so it's so precious like when you find like that person that yeah I didn't I thought about that and I thought I told my one of my best friends I say I told her very straight up like um it's okay if I want let you know know that you are very important to me and you're my best friend um but if you don't feel the same right I'm totally fine but just so you know that I want to put in effort in this friendship but yeah but if she feels uncomfortable then she can tell me or like she he know like she ghost me or whatever but she hasn't last so God no but then how to say like in you telling her that that does she then reciprocate the level of friendship that you are looking for or like if she doesn't it really doesn't matter to you cuz just now what you are saying right it sounds like you're putting in it 100% and then you're not getting that back and that's what's making you feel lonely but you're telling them that it's okay so at the start that was me so at the start I was telling her that right then at first it was still okay we were both busy with our own lives um but recently I have been feeling lonely and all that right so I did try to put in effort I made it obvious so now we're going on a trip together soon okay okay okay sheit yeah she's excited yeah that's what I want to do I want to make sure that we have more things that we can look back and talk about you know what's what's crazy to me is the idea of a uh a best friend label I think if two people find themselves to be best friends even if for a season I don't think it needs to be sa because I feel like the first person that say it puts pressure on the other person is you're saying that if she says best friend then a friend might feel pressure because it's like oh if I don't give you this back now then you will have no other friends that you're as close to oh I feel like I need to make a choice right am I leading you on because it's like a relationship now right I feel like manipulated my friend but she was she didn't reciate going on the trip oh my God no she didn't reciprocate at the start like not like immediately she we were close friends but she also has many other close friends and uh and she never told me that at at the start she never told me that oh you are my best friend too never and I was okay with that I think friendship like dating right yeah has a some some irony to it in dating we always talk about how we want someone that's genuine and true and be yourself with each other all that stuff yeah the same at the same time you also know that every relationship that come together got play game one I think the reason why friendships are so difficult and at times actually has brought me a lot of pain sometimes more often than my relationship is that relationships are exclusive and the the expectations are so so when you know becomes exclusive it's very clearcut that there's a problem but with best friendships right it's not exclusive like I can tell you I think for more often in all the scenes of my life more often than not someone who has chosen my best friend does not choose me as their best friend so then you always feel second best you always feel like how come no one's trying to be like as close to as I want to be as close to them and like I think eventually you realize that it's easier to just have a group of great close friends than to put the pleasure in yourself to try and find a best friend because you're never going to get to a stage where hey State I I you know like they're not going to say okay we exclusively best friends I think my definition of best friend a bit different like I have a few best friends doesn't make sense no so you should included the one off in your message because it's true to you as well but she knows like I have I have two best friends yeah I think like my main take away from the conversation that we've had right is it's two things so one is the bits for connection thing that I talk about so even if you feel like this person check in with you say like all house work then you like I and this is like the fifth time that like we are having this same conversation without that is very superficial then I think like you can give them like a small summary to let them know that okay like something is going on I still kind of want to involve you in my life right but I'm just not in the mood to like not yet pour my heart out to you at this moment yeah then maybe like okay we catch a date then I'll share with you more then the second thing is like to create new anchor moments so I realized that like you are probably able to identify an anchor moment in each of your relationships or friendships right where it's like ah there's a moment that like I'll always remember with that person to go on activities like a trip or like say John like somehow always planning activities followed by full I don't any thank you like creating activities that will give you memories right instead of just like oh every time I want to catch up with this person's life right it's just like all over the phone like get get on the phone talk for 45 minutes or like we just go and catch a quick me for 2 hours then we just par for another 6 months yeah like do things really do things and not not everything will create a memory but you you you will do once a month and then one of it is something that you talk about for the next 5 Years thank you for watching today's episode we hope that you have had some form of takeaway and comment down below uh the name of your friend that you want catch up with okay see you in the next episode byebye sh them with them I think share this video with the friend that you want to catch up with if you have a lot to talk about okay wow it's so easy for me I tell you this go friend I love I just say hey guys I feel like ESC Jun show uping V this doesn't feel like a friendship you see but yeah I ini you know I give ideas I'm the ideas guy you're all like when they Ty breaker Tye breaker then I just I don't care I'll just pick the first one you know then we'll do it again we'll do number two next man okay but you know we cannot um ignore the person in the group it says yes to everything that person also a lot effort a lot eff yes yes shout outs to that friend