this is audible [Music] brilliance audio presents the unabridged recording of how to talk to anyone 92 little tricks for big success in relationships by leo lones performed by joyce bean introduction read by the author there are two kinds of people in this life those who walk into a room and say well here i am and those who walk in and say ah there you are introduction how to get anything you want from anybody well at least have the best crack at it have you ever admired those successful people who seem to have it all you see them chatting confidently at business meetings or comfortably at social parties they're the ones with the best jobs the nicest spouses the finest friends the biggest bank accounts or the most fashionable zip codes but wait a minute a lot of them aren't smarter than you they're not more educated than you they're not even better looking so what is it some people suspect they inherited it others say they married it or were just plain lucky tell them to think again what it boils down to is their more skillful way of dealing with fellow human beings you see nobody gets to the top alone over the years people who seem to have it all have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them rung by rung to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose wannabes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and growls that the big boys and big girls at the top are snobs when big players don't give them their friendship love or business they call them cliquish or accuse them of belonging to an old boy network some grumbled that they hit their heads against a glass ceiling the complaining little leaguers never realized the rejection was their own fault they'll never know they blew the affair the friendship or the deal because of their own communications fumbles it's as though well-liked people have a bag of tricks a magic or a midas touch that turns everything they do into success what's in their bag of tricks you'll find a lot of things a substance that solidifies friendship a wizardry that wins minds and a magic that makes people fall in love with them they also possess a quality that makes bosses higher and then promote a characteristic that keeps clients coming back and an asset that makes customers buy from them and not the competition we all have a few of those tricks in our bags some more than others those with a whole lot of them are big winners in life how to talk to anyone gives you 92 of these little tricks that they use every day so you too can play the game to perfection and get whatever you want in life how the little tricks were unveiled many years ago a drama teacher exasperated at my bad acting in a college place shouted no no your body is belonging your words every tiny movement every body position he held divulges your private thoughts your face can make seven thousand different expressions and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment then he said something i'll never forget and your body the way you move is your autobiography in motion how right he was on the stage of real life every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life dogs hear sounds our ears can't detect bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes and people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel every smile every frown every syllable you utter or every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips can draw others toward you or make them want to run away men did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal women did your women's intuition make you accept or reject and offer on a conscious level we may not be aware of what the hunch is but like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat the elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real imagine please two humans in a complex box wired with circuits to record all the signals flowing between the two as many as ten thousand units of information flow per second probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adult population of the united states would be required to sort the units in one hour's interaction between two subjects a university of pennsylvania communications authority estimates with the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth between two human beings can we come up with concrete techniques to make our every communication clear confident credible and charismatic determined to find the answer i read practically every book written on communication skills on charisma and chemistry between people i explored hundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to find the formula for example optimistic chinese researchers hoping charisma might be in the diet went so far as to compare the relationship of personality type to the catecholamine level in subjects urine needless to say their thesis was soon shelved bill carnegie was great for the 20th century but this is the 21st most studies simply confirmed dale carnegie's 1936 classic how to win friends and influence people his wisdom for the ages said success lay in smiling showing interest in other people and making them feel good about themselves that's no surprise i thought it's as true today as it was more than 70 years ago so if dale carnegie and hundreds of others since have offered the same astute advice why do we need another book telling us how to win friends and influence people to mammoth reasons reason one suppose a sage told you when in china speak chinese but gave you no language lessons bill carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage they tell us what to do but not how to do it in today's sophisticated world it's not enough to say smile or give sincere compliments cynical business people today see more subtleties in your smile more complexities in your compliment accomplished or attractive people are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them prospects are tired of sales people who say oh that suit looks great on you when your fingers are caressing cash register keys women are wary of suitors saying you are beautiful when the bedroom door is in view reason 2 the world is a very different place than it was in 1936 and we need a new formula for success to find it i observed the superstars of today i explored the techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale speakers to convince clergy to convert performers to engross sex symbols to seduce and athletes to win i found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success then i broke them down into easily digestible news you can use techniques i gave each a name that will quickly come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conundrum as i developed the techniques i began sharing them with audiences around the country participants in my communication seminars gave me their ideas my clients many of them ceos of fortune 500 companies enthusiastically offered their observations when i was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders i analyzed their body language and their facial expressions i listened carefully to their casual conversations their timing and their choice of words i watched as they dealt with their families friends associates and adversaries every time i detected a little nip of magic in there communicating i asked them to plug it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness we analyzed it together and then i turned it into an easy to do little trick others could duplicate and profit from my findings and the strokes of some of those very effective folks are in this book some are subtle some are surprising but all are achievable when you master them everyone from new acquaintances to family friends and business associates will happily open their hearts homes companies and even wallets to give you whatever they can there's a bonus as you sail through life with your new communication skills you will look back and see some very happy givers smiling in your wake part one how to intrigue everyone without saying a word you only have ten seconds to show you're a somebody the exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency the first side of you is a brilliant holograph it burns its way into your new acquaintance's eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever artists are sometimes able to capture this quick silver fleeting emotional response my friend robert grossman is an accomplished caricature artist who draws regularly for forbes newsweek sports illustrated rolling stone and other popular publications bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects but for zeroing in on the essence of their personalities the bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad one glance at his caricatures of famous people and you can actually see their personalities sometimes at a party bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of a guest hovering over bob's shoulder the onlookers gasp as they watch their friends image and essence materialize before their eyes when he's finished drawing he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject often a puzzled look comes over the subject's face he or she usually mumbles some politeness like well that's great but it really isn't me the crowd's convincing crescendo of oh yes it is drowns the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt the confused subject is left to stare back at the world's view of himself or herself in the napkin once when i was visiting bob's studio i asked him how he could capture people's personalities so well he said it's simple i just look at them no i asked how do you capture their personalities don't you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle their history no i told you leo just look at them huh he went on to explain almost every facet of people's personalities is evident from their appearance their posture the way they move for instance he said calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures of political figures see bob said pointing to angles on various presidential body parts here's the boyishness of clinton showing me his half-smile the awkwardness of the elder george bush pointing to his shoulder angle the charm of reagan noting the ex-president's smiling eyes the shiftiness of nixon pointing to the furtive tilt of his head digging a little deeper into his file he pulled out franklin delano roosevelt and pointing to the nose high in the air here's the pride of fdr it's all in the face and the body first impressions are indelible why because in our fast-paced information overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every second people's heads are spinning they must form quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do so whenever people meet you they take an instant mental snapshot that image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time your body shrieks before your lips can speak are there data accurate amazingly enough yes even before your lips part and the first syllable escapes the essence of you has already axed its way into their brains the way you look and the way you move is more than eighty percent of someone's first impression of you not one word need be spoken i've lived and worked in countries where i didn't speak the native language yet without one understandable syllable spoken between us the years proved my first impressions were on target whenever i met new colleagues i could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me how confident they were and approximately how much stature they had in the company i could sense just from seeing them move who the heavyweights were and who were the welterweights i have no extra sensory skill you'd know too how because before you have had time to process a rational thought you get a sixth sense about someone studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the brain is at time to register what's causing their reaction thus the moment someone looks at you he or she experiences a massive hit the impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship bob told me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures deciding to pursue my own agenda for how to talk to anyone i asked bob if you wanted to portray somebody really cool you know intelligent strong charismatic principled fascinating caring interested in other people easy bob interrupted he knew precisely what i was getting at just give him great posture a heads up look a confident smile and a direct gaze it's the ideal image for somebody who's a somebody how to look like a somebody my friend karen is a highly respected professional in the home furnishings business her husband is an equally big name in the communications field they have two small sons whenever karen is at a home furnishings industry event everyone pays deference to her she's a very important person in that world her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and they hope be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like home furnishings executive and furniture world yet karen complains when she accompanies her husband to communications functions she might as well be a nobody when she takes her kids to school functions she's just another mom she once asked me leo how can i stand out from the crowd so people who don't know me will approach me and at least assume i'm an interesting person the techniques in this section accomplish precisely that when you use the next nine techniques you will come across as a special person to everyone you meet you will stand out as a somebody in whatever crowd you find yourself in even if it's not your crowd let's start with your smile one how to make your smile magically different in 1936 one of dale carnegie's six musts in how to win friends and influence people was smile his edict has been echoed each decade by practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone however at the turn of the millennium it's high time we re-examine the role of the smile in high-level human relations when you dig deeper into dale's dictum you'll find a 1936 quick smile doesn't always work especially nowadays the old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today's sophisticated crowd look at world leaders negotiators and corporate giants not a smiling sycophant among them key players in all walks of life enrich their smiles so when it does erupt it has more potency and the world smiles with them researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles they range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant some smiles are warm while others are cold there are real smiles and fake smiles you've seen plenty of those plastered on the faces of friends who say they're delighted you decided to drop by and presidential candidates visiting your city who say they're thrilled to be in um uh big winners know their smile is one of their most powerful weapons so they've fine-tuned it for maximum impact how to fine tune your smile just last year my old college friend missy took over her family business a midwestern company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers one day she called saying she was coming to new york to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with several of her prospects i was looking forward to once again seeing my friends quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh missy was an incurable giggler and that was part of her charm when her dad passed away last year she told me she was taking over the business i thought missy's personality was a little bubbly to be a ceo in a tough business but hey what do i know about the corrugated box biz she three of her potential clients and i met in the cocktail lounge of a midtown restaurant and as we led them into the dining room missy whispered in my ear please call me melissa tonight of course i winked back not many company presidents are called missy soon after the metro deceded us i began noticing melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl i'd known in college she was just as charming she smiled as much as ever yet something was different i couldn't quite put my finger on it although she was still effervescent i had the distinct impression everything melissa said was more insightful and sincere she was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients and i could tell they liked her too i was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout that night by the end of the evening melissa had three big new clients afterward alone with her in the cab i said missy you've really come a long way since you took over the company your whole personality has developed well a really cool sharp corporate edge only one thing has changed she said what's that my smile she said you're what i asked incredulously my smile she repeated as though i hadn't heard her you see she said with a distant look coming into her eyes when dad got sick and knew in a few years i'd have to take over the business he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me i'll never forget his words dad said missy honey remember that old song i love you honey but your feet's too big well if you're gonna make it big in the box business let me say i love you honey but your smile's too quick he then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a study he'd been saving to show me when the time was right it concerned women in business the study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible as missy talked i began to think about history-making women like margaret thatcher indira gandhi golda meir madeleine albright and other powerful women of their ilk not one was known for her quick smile missy continued the study went on to say a big warm smile is an asset but only when it comes a little slower because then it has more credibility from that moment on missy explained she gave clients and business associates her big smile however she trained her lips to erupt more slowly thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient that was it missy's slower smile gave her personality a richer deeper more sincere cachet though the delay was less than a second the recipients of her big beautiful smile felt it was special and just for them i decided to do more research on the smile when you're in the market for shoes you begin to look at everyone's feet when you decide to change your hair style you look at everyone's haircut well for several months i became a steady smile watcher i watched smiles on the street i watched smiles on tv i watched the smiles of politicians the clergy corporate giants and world leaders my findings amid the sea of flashing teeth and parting lips i discovered the people perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever so slower to smile then when they did their smiles seem to seep into every crevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood thus i call the following technique the flooding smile technique number one the flooding smile don't flash an immediate smile when you greet someone as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary instead look at the other person's face for a second pause soak in their persona then let a big warm responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes it will engulf the recipient like a warm wave the split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerful communications tools you possess your eyes 2. how to strike everyone as intelligent and insightful by using your eyes it's only a slight exaggeration to say helen of troy could launch ships with her eyes and davy crockett could stare down a bear your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate people's emotions just as martial arts masters register their fists as lethal weapons you can register your eyes as psychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye contact techniques beloved people in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that teaches keep good eye contact for one they understand that to certain suspicious or insecure people intense eye contact can be a virulent intrusion when i was growing up my family had a haitian housekeeper whose fantasies were filled with witches warlocks and black magic zola refused to be left alone in a room with louie my siamese cat louie looks right through me sees my soul she'd whisper to me fearfully in some cultures intense eye contact is sorcery in others staring at someone can be threatening or disrespectful realizing this big players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cultural body language differences in their carry-on rather than a berlitz phrase book in our culture however big winners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous especially between the sexes in business even when romance is not in the picture strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men and women a boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect the researchers asked opposite sex individuals to have a two-minute casual conversation they tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked they gave the other half of the subjects no special eye contact directions for the chat when they questioned the subjects afterward the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who unbeknownst to them had simply been counting their blinks i've experienced the closeness intense eye contact in genders with a stranger first hand once when giving a seminar to several hundred people one woman's face in the crowd caught my attention the participant's appearance was not particularly unique yet she became the focus of my attention throughout my talk why because not for one moment did she take her eyes off my face even when i finished making a point and was silent her eyes stayed hungrily on my face i sensed she couldn't wait to savor the next insight to spout from my lips i loved it her concentration and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make important points i had long forgotten right after my talk i resolved to seek out this new friend who was so enthralled by my speech as people were leaving the hall i quickly settled up behind my big fan excuse me i said my fan kept walking excuse me i repeated a tad louder my admirer didn't vary her pace as she continued out the door i followed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently this time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face i mumbled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my talk and wanting to ask her a few questions did you uh get much out of the seminar i ventured well not really she answered candidly i had difficulty understanding what you were saying because you were walking around on the platform facing different directions in a heartbeat i understood the woman was hearing impaired i did not captivate her as i had suspected she was not intrigued by my talk as i had hoped the only reason she kept her eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my lips nevertheless her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration during my talk that tired as i was i asked her to join me for coffee i spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar just for her powerful stuff this eye contact make your eyes look even more intelligent there is yet another argument for intense eye contact in addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data more easily than concrete thinkers they can continue looking into someone's eyes even during the silences their thought processes are not distracted by peering into their partner's papers back to our valiant psychologists yale researchers thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye contact conducted another study that they assumed would confirm the more eye contact the more positive feelings this time they directed subjects to deliver a personally revealing monologue they asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their partners talked the results all went as expected when women told their personal stories to women increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy but whoops it wasn't so with the men some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man other men felt threatened some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him your partner's emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological base when you look intently at someone it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenaline-like substance gushing through their veins this is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love and when you consciously increase your eye contact even during normal business or social interaction people will feel they have captivated you men talking to women and women talking to men or women use the following technique which i call sticky eyes for the joy of the recipient and for your own advantage guys i'll have a man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment technique number two sticky eyes pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partners with sticky warm taffy don't break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking when you must look away do it ever so slowly reluctantly stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks what about guys eyes now gentlemen when talking to men you too can use sticky eyes just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions but do increase your eye contact slightly more than normal with men on day-to-day communications and a lot more when talking to women it broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect i have a friend sami a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap he doesn't mean to but sometimes his brusque manner makes it look like he's running roughshod over people's feelings once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant i told him about the sticky eyes technique i guess he took it to heart when the waiter came over sammy uncharacteristically instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu looked at the waiter he smiled gave his order for the appetizer and kept his eyes on the waiters for an extra second before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish i can't tell you how different sammy seemed to me just then he came across as a sensitive and caring man and all it took was two extra seconds of eye contact i saw the effect it had on the waiter too we received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening a week later sammy called me and said leo's sticky eyes has changed my life i've been following it to a t with women i make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky and now everybody's treating me with such deference i think it's part of the reason i made more sales this week than all last month if you deal with customers or clients in your professional life sticky eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line to most people in our culture profound eye contact signals trust knowledge and i'm here for you attitude let's carry sticky eyes one step further like a potent medicine that has the power to kill or cure the next eye contact technique has the potential to captivate or annihilate three how to use your eyes to make someone fall in love with you now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery very sticky eyes or super glue eyes let's call them epoxy eyes big bosses use epoxy eyes to evaluate employees police investigators use epoxy eyes to intimidate suspected criminals and clever romeos use epoxy eyes to make women fall in love with them if romance is your goal epoxy eyes is a proven aphrodisiac the epoxy eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off you your target and one other person here's how it works usually when you're chatting with two or more people you gaze at the person who is speaking however the epoxy eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener your target rather than the speaker this slightly disorients the target and he or she silently asks why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions this can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener human resources professionals often use epoxy eyes not as a technique but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employees reaction to certain ideas being presented attorneys bosses police investigators psychologists and others who must examine subjects reactions also use epoxy eyes for analytical purposes when you use epoxy eyes it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself but because epoxy eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else you must be careful don't overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen technique number three epoxy eyes this brazen technique packs a powerful punch watch your target person even when someone else is talking no matter who is speaking keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact sometimes using full epoxy eyes is too potent so here is a gentler yet effective form watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point this way mr or ms target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions yet there is relief from the intensity use epoxy eyes to push their erotic button if romance is on the horizon epoxy eyes transmits yet another message it says i can't take my eyes off you or i only have eyes for you anthropologists have dubbed eyes the initial organ of romance because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat it also releases a drug-like substance into our nervous system called phenylethylamine since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement intense eye contact can be a turn on men epoxy eyes is extremely effective on women if they find you attractive the lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation if she does not like you however your epoxy eyes is downright obnoxious never use epoxy eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested for how to look like a big winner wherever you go do you remember the lyrics to the old shirley bassy song the minute you walked in the joint i could see you were a man of distinction a real big spender good looking so refined say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind the goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big somebody the moment people lay eyes on you to that end we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a very important person when the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer your foot jerks forward thus the phrase knee jerk reaction your body has another instinctive reaction when a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a winner your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back a smile frames your lips and softens your eyes this is the look winners have constantly they stand with assurance they move with confidence they smile softly with pride no doubt about it good posture symbolizes that you are a man or woman who is used to being on top obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids shoulder blades and trillions of teachers telling students stand up straight hasn't done the trick we are a nation of slouchers we need a technique more stern than teachers and more persuasive than parents to make a stand like a somebody in one profession perfect posture perfect equilibrium perfect balance is not only desirable it's a matter of life and death one false move one slump of the shoulders one hang dog look can mean curtains for the high wire acrobat i'll never forget the first time mama took me to the circus when seven men and women raced into the center ring the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips they cheered with one thunderous voice mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the great wallendas the only troop in the world to perform the seven person pyramid without a net in an instant the crowd became hushed not a cough or soda slurp was heard in the big top as carl and herman wallenda shouted cues in german to their trusting relatives the family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid they then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death the vision was unforgettable to me equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows each perfectly aligned head high shoulders back standing so tall it still didn't seem like their feet were touching the ground every muscle in their bodies to find pride success and their joy of being alive still here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride success and joy of being alive your posture is your biggest success barometer imagine you are a world renowned acrobat master of the iron jaw act waiting in the wings of the ringling brothers and barnum bailey circus soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body before walking through any door the door to your office a party a meeting even your kitchen picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame it is swinging just an inch higher than your head as you pass through the door throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up as you ascend high above the gasping crowd your body is stretched into perfect alignment head high shoulders back torso out of hips feet weightless at the zenith of the tent you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you now you look like a somebody one day to test hang by your teeth i decided to count how many times i walked through a doorway sixty times even at home you calculate twice out your front door twice in six times to the bathroom eight times to the kitchen and through countless doors at your office it adds up visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit habitual good posture is the first mark of a big winner you are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sail or maybe just settle for looking like the most important somebody in the room you now have all the basics bob the artist needs to portray you as a big winner like he said great posture a heads up look a confident smile and a direct gaze the ideal image for somebody who's a somebody technique number four hang by your teeth visualize a circus iron jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through take a bite and with it firmly between your teeth let it swoop you to the peak of the big top when you hang by your teeth every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position now let's put the whole act into motion it's time to turn your attention outward to your conversation partner use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million five how to win their heart by responding to their inner infant remember the old joke the comic comes on stage and the first words out of his mouth are well how do you like me so far the audience always cracks up why because we all silently ask that question whenever we meet someone we know consciously or subconsciously how they're reacting to us do they look at us do they smile do they lean toward us do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are we like those people they have good taste or do they turn away obviously unimpressed by our magnificence the cretans two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out we don't have tails that wag or hair that bristles but we do have eyes that narrow or widen and hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms up i submit position we have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness attorneys conducting var dire are exquisitely aware of this they pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions they watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you're leaning while answering their questions they check out your hands are they softly open palms up signifying acceptance of the ideas they're expressing or are you making a slight fist knuckles out signaling rejection they scrutinize your face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or the death penalty sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget an interesting aside trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch and turn spying job because traditionally females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males women more sensitive to emotions than men often ask their husbands is something bothering you honey these super sensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn't notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears the attorney and the assistant then review your score on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed depending on their tally you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror's waiting room trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that in the 1960s during the famous trial of the chicago seven defense attorney william kunsler actually made a legal objection to judge julius hoffman's posture during the summation by the prosecution judge hoffman leaned forward which accused consular sent a message to the jury of attention and interest during his defense summation complained counselor judge hoffman leaned back sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest you're on trial and you only have ten seconds like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives they base their verdict greatly on the same signals your body language answered to their unspoken question well how do you like me so far the first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out if you ever want anything from the new acquaintance your unspoken answer to their unspoken question how do you like me so far must be wow i really like you when a little four-year-old feels bashful he slumps puts his arms up in front of his chest steps back and hides behind mommy's skirt however when little johnny sees daddy come home he runs up to him he smiles his eyes get wide and he opens his arms for a hug a loving child's body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine 20 30 40 50 years of life on earth make little difference when 40 year old johnny is feeling timid he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest when he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague he turns away and closes them off with a myriad of body signals however when welcoming his loved one home after an absence big johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm treat people like big babies once i was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive recently divorced friend of mine carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which like so many companies then had downsized my girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship at this particular party the pickings for carla were good both personally and professionally several times as carla and i stood talking one good-looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us more often than not one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at carla she sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder but then she'd turn back to our mundane conversation as though she were hanging on my every word i knew she was trying not to look anxious but inside carla was crying out why doesn't he come speak to us right after one prize corporate big cat smiled but because of carla's minimal reaction wandered back into the social jungle i had to say carla do you know who that was he's the head of the young and rubicam in paris they're looking for copywriters willing to relocate and he's single carla moaned just then we heard a little voice down by carla's left knee hello we looked down simultaneously little five-year-old willy the hostess's adorable young son was tugging on carla's skirt obviously craving attention well well well carla cried out a big smile erupting all over her face carla turned toward him carla kneeled down touched little willy's elbow and crooned well hello there willy how are you enjoying mommy's nice party little willy beamed when little willy finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers carla and i returned to our grown-up conversing during our chat corporate beasts continued to stop carla with their eyes and she continued casting half smiles at them she was obviously disappointed none of them was making a further approach i had to bite my tongue finally when i felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth i said carla have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you yes carla whispered her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us and you've been giving them little half smiles i continued yes she murmured now confused at my question remember when little willy came up and tugged on your skirt do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours turned toward him and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation yes she answered haltingly well i have a request carla i want you to give the next man who smiles at you that same big smile you gave willy i want you to turn toward him just like you did then maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did willy's and then welcome him into our conversation oh leo i couldn't do that carla do it sure enough within a few minutes another attractive man wandered our way and smiled carla played her role to perfection she flashed her beautiful teeth turned fully toward him and said hello come join us he wasted no time accepting carla's invitation after a few moments i excused myself neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation the last glimpse i had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend just then the technique i call the big baby pivot was born it is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle technique number five the big baby pivot give everyone you meet the big baby pivot the instant the two of you are introduced reward your new acquaintance give the warm smile the total body turn and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tike who crawled up to your feet turned a precious face up to yours and beamed a big toothless grin pivoting one hundred percent toward the new person shouts i think you are very very special remember buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is rattling the crib wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is the following technique reinforces the big baby's suspicion that he or she is indeed the center of the universe how to make someone feel like an old friend at once a very wise man with the funny name of zig once told me people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care about them zig ziglar is right the secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them your body is a 24-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eye shot precisely how you feel at any given moment even if your hang by your teeth posture is gaining their respect your flooding smile and the big baby pivot are making them feel special and your sticky eyes are capturing their hearts and minds the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence every inch from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet must give a command performance if you want to effectively present and i care about you attitude unfortunately when meeting someone our brains are in overdrive remember shakespeare's julius caesar he said of cassius he has a lean and hungry look he thinks too much such men are dangerous so it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance our brains become lean some of us are fighting off shyness others are frantically sizing up the situation and hungry we're deciding what if anything we want from this potential relationship so we think too much instead of responding with candid unself-conscious friendliness such actions are dangerous to impending friendship love or commerce when our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of stimuli every second a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility we need a technique to ensure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject we need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly to find it let's explore the only time we don't need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language it's when we feel none that happens when we're chatting with close friends when we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought our lips part happily we step closer our arms reach out our eyes become soft and wide even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend how to trick your body into doing everything right here's a visualization technique that accomplishes all that it guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth i call it hello old friend when meeting someone play a mental trick on yourself in your mind's eye see him or her as an old friend someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago but somehow you lost track of your friend you tried so hard to find your good buddy but there was no listing in the phone book no information online none of your mutual friends had a clue suddenly wow what a surprise after all those years the two of you are reunited you are so happy that's where the pretending stops obviously you are not going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are really old friends you are not going to hug and kiss and say great to see you again or how have you been all these years you merely say hello how do you do i am pleased to meet you but inside it's a very different story you will amaze yourself the delight of rediscovery fills your face and boys up your body language i sometimes jokingly say if you were a light you'd beam on the other person if you were a dog you'd be wagging your tail you make this new person feel very special indeed technique number six hello old friend when meeting someone imagine he or she is an old friend an old customer an old beloved or someone else you had great affection for how sad the vicissitudes of life tore you to asunder but holy mackerel now the party the meeting the convention has reunited you with your long lost old friend the joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes and everything between in my seminars i first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they've learned the hello old friend technique the group chats as though at a pleasant semi-formal gathering later i asked them to introduce themselves to another stranger imagining they are old friends the difference is extraordinary when they're using hello old friend the room comes alive the atmosphere is charged with good feeling the air sparkles with happier high-energy people they are standing closer laughing more sincerely and reaching out to one another i feel like i'm attending a terrific bash that's been going on for hours not a word need be spoken the hello old friend technique even supersedes language whenever you're traveling in countries where you don't speak the native tongue be sure to use it if you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you just imagine them to be a group of your old friends everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak english in spite of the fact you won't understand a word your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance i've used the hello old friend technique while traveling in europe sometimes my english-speaking friends who live there tell me their european colleagues say i am the friendliest american they've ever met yet we'd never spoken a word between us a self-fulfilling prophecy an added benefit to the hello old friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when you act as though you like someone you start to really like them an adelphi university study called appropriately believing another likes or dislikes you behaviors making the beliefs come true proved it researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they like them when surveyed later the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects the unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed these respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them what it boils down to is love begets love like begets like respect begets respect use the hello old friend technique and you will soon have many new old friends who wind up genuinely liking you you now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a somebody a friendly somebody but your job isn't over yet in addition to being liked you want to appear credible intelligent and sure of yourself each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals seven how to come across as 100 credible to everyone my friend helen is a highly respected headhunter she makes terrific hires for her clients and i once asked her the secret of her success helen replied probably because i can almost always tell when an applicant is lying how can you tell she said well just last week i was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm throughout the interview the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me i asked her salary without swerving her eyes from mine she told me i asked if she enjoyed her work still looking directly at me she said yes then i asked her why she left her previous job at that point her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me helen continued then while answering my question she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg over her left at one point she put her hands up to her mouth helen said that's all i needed with her words she was telling me she felt her growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm but her body told me she was not being entirely forthright helen went on to explain the young woman's fidgeting alone wouldn't prove she was lying nevertheless it was enough she said that she wanted to pursue the subject further so i tested it helen explained i changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory i asked her about her goals for the future again the girl stopped fidgeting she folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she'd always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project then i repeated my earlier question i asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position sure enough once again the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact as she continued talking about her last job she started rubbing her forearm helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth the applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagreement with the marketing director for whom she worked human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies they know specifically what signals to look for the rest of us although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in-house booking agent after interviewing one fellow she said to me i don't know i don't really think he has the success he claims you think he's lying to you i asked absolutely and the funny thing is i can't tell why he looked right at me he answered all my questions directly there was just something that didn't seem right employers often feel this way they have a gut feeling about someone but they can't put their finger on it because of that many large companies turn to the polygraph or lie detector a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying banks drug stores and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre-employment screening the fbi justice department and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects interestingly the polygraph is not a lie detector at all all the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system changes in breathing patterns sweating flushing heart rate blood pressure and other signs of emotional arousal so is it accurate well yes often it is why because when the average person tells a lie he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place when that happens the individual might fidget experienced or trained liars however can fool the polygraph beware of the appearance of lying even when you're telling the truth problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking a young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight a woman talking about her company's track record to an important client could rub her neck more problems arise out of the atmosphere a businessman who doesn't feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot a politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty even though erroneous these fidgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn't right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying professional communicators alert to this hazard consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness they fix a constant gaze on the listener they never put their hands on their faces they don't massage their arm when it tingles or rub their nose when it itches they don't loosen their collar when it's hot or blink because it's sandy they don't wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun they suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility consider the infamous september twenty fifth nineteen sixty televised presidential debate between richard milhous nixon and john fitzgerald kennedy political pundits speculate nixon's lack of makeup his fidgeting and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election if you want to come across as an entirely credible somebody try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts i call the technique limit the fidget technique number seven limit the fidget whenever your conversation really counts let your nose itch your ear tingle or your foot prickle do not fidget twitch wiggle squirm or scratch and above all keep your paws away from your puss hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you're fibbing now let's tackle intelligence what you ask can people come across as more intelligent than they really are well did you ever hear of hans the counting horse hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history and he used the technique i'm about to suggest eight how to read people like you have esp hans a very clever horse inspires this next technique hans was owned by hair von austen a berliner who had trained hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof so prodigious was han's ability that the horse's fame quickly spread throughout europe in the early 1900s he became known as clever hans the counting horse here von austin taught hans to do more than just add soon the horse could subtract and divide in time clever hans even mastered the multiplication tables the horse became quite a phenomenon without his owner uttering a single word hans could count out the size of his audience tap the number wearing glasses or respond to any counting question they asked him finally hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal language hans learned the alphabet by tapping out hoof beats for each letter he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio he could even answer common questions about history geography and human biology hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout europe the human horse quickly attracted the attention of scientists psychology professors veterinarians even cavalry officers naturally they were skeptical so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius whatever their suspicions it was obvious to all hans was a very smart horse compared to other horses hans was a somebody cut to today why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people that they are a somebody often they're not discussing high falutin subjects or using two dollar words nevertheless everybody knows people say she's smart as a whip he doesn't miss a trick she picks up on everything he's got the right stuff she's got horse sense which brings us back to hans the day of the big test arrived everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by hair von austen hansa's owner it was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists reporters clairvoyants psychics and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer the canny commission members were confident this was the day they would expose hans as chicanery because they too had a trick up their sleeves they were going to bar von austin from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone when the crowd was assembled they told von austen he must leave the auditorium the surprised owner departed and hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience the confident commission leader asked hans the first mathematical question he tapped out the right answer a second he got it right then a third then the language questions followed he got them all right the commission was befuddled the critics were silenced however the public wasn't with a great outcry they insisted on a new commission the world waited while once again the authorities gathered scientists professors veterinarians cavalry officers and reporters from around the world only after this second commission put hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out commission number two started the end query per functorially with a simple addition problem this time however instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear one researcher whispered a number in hanz's ear and a second researcher whispered another everyone expected hans to quickly tap out the sum but hans remained dumb aha the researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world can you guess what that was here's a hint when the audience or researcher knew the answer hans did too now can you guess people gave off very subtle body language signals the moment hans's hoof gave the right number of taps when han started tapping the answer to a question the audience would show subtle signs of tension then when hans reached the right number they responded by an expulsion of breath or a slight relaxation of muscles bon austin had trained hans to stop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right answer hans was using the technique i call hans's horse sense he watched his audience's reactions very carefully and planned his responses accordingly if a horse can do it so can you have you ever been watching tv when the phone rings someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk because there's no sound now you watch the tv action more carefully you see performers smiling scowling smirking squinting and scores of other expressions you don't miss a bit of the story because just from their expressions you can tell what they're thinking hans's horse sense is just that watching people seeing how they are reacting and then making your moves accordingly even while you're talking keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they're responding to what you're saying don't miss a trick are they smiling are they nodding are their palms up they like what they're hearing are they frowning are they looking away are their knuckles clenched maybe they don't are they rubbing their necks are they stepping back are their feet pointing toward the door maybe they want to get away you don't need a complete course in body language here already your life's experience has given you a good grounding in that most people know if their conversation partners step back or look away they're not interested in what you're saying when they think you're a pain in the neck they rub theirs when they feel superior to you they steeple their hands we'll explore more body language specifics in technique number 77 eyeball selling for the moment all you need to do is tune to the silent channel being broadcast by the speaker technique number eight hanza's horse sense make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking express yourself but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you're saying then plan your moves accordingly if a horse can do it so can a human people will say you pick up on everything you never miss a trick you've got horse sense you now have eight techniques to help you come across as a confident credible and charismatic person who makes everyone he or she comes in contact with feel like a million let's explore one last technique in this section to put it all together and make sure you don't miss a beat nine how to make sure you don't miss a single beat you've seen professional skiing on television the athlete at the top of the piste every muscle primed and poised waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory look deeply into his eyes and you'll see he is having an out of body experience in his mind's eye the skier is swooshing down the slope zapping back and forth between the poles and sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought possible the athlete is visualizing all athletes do it divers runners jumpers javelin throwers losers swimmers skaters acrobats they visualize their magic before performing it they see their own bodies bending twisting flipping or flying through the air they hear the sound of the wind the splash in the water the horror of the javelin the thought of its landing they smell the grass the cement the pool the dust before they move a muscle professional athletes watch the whole movie which of course ends in their own victory sport psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top level competitive athletes studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf their tennis their running whatever their favorite activity experts agree if you see the pictures hear the sounds and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity the effect is powerful 26 miles on my mattress psychological mumbo jumbo absolutely not my friend richard runs marathons once several years ago a scant three weeks before the big new york marathon an out-of-control car crashed into richards and he was taken to the hospital he was not badly injured nevertheless his friends felt sorry for him because being laid up two weeks in bed would naturally knock him out of the big event what a surprise when on that crisp november marathon morning in central park richard showed up in his little shorts and big running shoes richard are you crazy you're in no shape to run you've been in bed these past few weeks we all cried out my body may have been in bed he replied but i've been running what we asked in unison yep every day 26 miles 385 yards right there on my mattress richard explained that in his imagination he saw himself traversing every step of the course he saw the sights heard the sounds and felt the twitching movements in his muscles he visualized himself racing in the marathon richard didn't do as well as he had the year before but the miracle is he finished the marathon without injury without excessive fatigue thanks to his visualization it works in just about any endeavor you apply it to including being a terrific communicator visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear vivid images do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party the convention or the big deal meeting see it all in your mind's eye ahead of time technique number nine watch the scene before you make the scene rehearse being the super somebody you want to be ahead of time see yourself walking around with hang by your teeth posture shaking hands smiling the flooding smile and making sticky eyes hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you visualize yourself a super somebody then it all happens automatically you now have the skills necessary to get you started on the right foot with any new person in your life think of yourself in these first moments like a rocket taking off when the folks at cape kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon a mistake in the millionth of a degree at the beginning when the craft is still on the ground means missing the moon by thousands of miles likewise a tiny body language blooper at the outside of a relationship may mean you will never make a hit with that person but with the flooding smile sticky eyes epoxy eyes hang by your teeth the big baby pivot hello old friend limit the fidget hans's horse sense and watch the scene before you make the scene you'll be right on course to get whatever you eventually want from anybody be it business friendship or love we now move from the silent world to the spoken word part two how to know what to say after you say hi just as the first glimpse should please their eyes your first word should delight their ears your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with either welcome or go away to make your conversation partner feel welcome you must master small talk small talk can you hear the shutter those two little words drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls invite them to a party where they don't know anyone and it mainlines queasiness into their veins if this sounds familiar take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual the more he or she detests small talk when consulting for fortune 500 companies i was astounded top executives completely comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing their stockholders confessed they felt like little lost children at parties where the prater was less than prodigious small talk haters take further consolation from the fact that you are in star-studded company fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing the butterflies you feel in your stomach when you're in a room full of strangers flutter round the tummies of top performers pablo casales complained of lifelong stage fright carly simon curtailed live performances because of it a friend of mine who worked with neil diamond said he insisted the words to song sung blue a tune he'd been crooning for 40 years be displayed on his teleprompter lest fear frees him into forgetfulness is small talk a phobia curable someday scientists say communication spheres may be treatable with drugs they're already experimenting with prozac to change people's personalities but some fear disastrous side effects the good news is that when human beings think and genuinely feel certain emotions like confidence that they have specific techniques to fall back on the brain manufactures its own antidotes if fear and distaste of small talk is the disease knowing solid techniques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure incidentally science is beginning to recognize it's not chance or even upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and another doesn't in our brains neurons communicate through chemicals called neurotransmitters some people have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine a chemical cousin of adrenaline for some children just walking into a kindergarten room makes them want to run and hide under a table as a tot i spent a lot of time under the table as a preteen in an all girls boarding school my legs turned to linguini every time i had to converse with a male in eighth grade i once had to invite a boy to our school prom the entire selection of dancing males lived in the dormitory of our brother's school and i only knew one resident eugene i had met eugene at summer camp the year before mustering all my courage i decided to call him two weeks before the dance i felt the onset of sweaty palms i put the call off one week before rapid heartbeat set in i put the call off finally three days before the big bash breathing became difficult time was running out the critical moment i rationalized would be easier if i read from a script i wrote out the following hi this is leel we met at camp last summer remember i programmed in a pause where i hoped he would say yes well national cathedral schools prom is this saturday night and i'd like you to be my date i programmed in another pause where i prayed he'd say yes on thursday before the dance i could no longer delay the inevitable i picked up the receiver and dialed clutching the phone waiting for eugene to answer my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow a small salty puddle was forming around my feet hello a sexy deep male voice answered the dorm phone in faster than a speeding bullet voice like a nervous novice telemarketer i shot out hi this is leo we met at camp last summer remember forgetting to pause for his ascent i raced on well national cathedral schools promised this saturday night and i'd like you to be my date to my relief and delight i heard a big cheerful oh that's great i'd love to i exhaled my first normal breath all day he continued i'll pick you up at the girls dorm at 7 30. i'll have a pink carnation for you will that go with your dress and my name is donnie donnie donnie who said anything about donny well donny turned out to be the best date i had that decade donnie had buck teeth a head full of tousled red hair and communication skills that immediately put me at ease on saturday night donnie greeted me at the door carnation in hand and grin on face he joked self-deprecatingly about how he was dying to go to the prom so knowing it was a case of mistaken identity he accepted anyway he told me he was thrilled when the girl with the lovely voice called and he took full responsibility for tricking me into an invitation donnie made me comfortable and confident as we chatted first we made small talk and then he gradually led me into subjects i was interested in i flipped over donny and he became my very first boyfriend donnie instinctively had the small talk skills that we are now going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife through butter when you master them you will be able like donny to melt the heart of everyone you touch the goal of how to talk to anyone is not of course to make you a small talk quiz and stop there the aim is to make you a dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator however small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal 10. how to start great small talk you've been there you're introduced to someone at a party or business meeting you shake hands your eyes meet and suddenly your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes come to a screeching halt you fish for a topic to fill the awkward silence failing your new contact slips away in the direction of the cheese tray we want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling witty and insightful we want our listeners to immediately recognize how riveting we are i was once at a gathering where everybody was sparkling witty insightful and riveting it drove me berserk because most of these same everybody's felt they had to prove it in their first 10 words or less several years ago the mensa organization a social group of extremely bright individuals who score in the country's top two percent in intelligence invited me to be a keynote speaker at their annual convention their cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby of the hotel as i arrived after checking in i hauled my bags through the horde of happy hour mansions to the elevator the doors separated and i stepped into an elevator packed with party goers as we began the journey up to our respective floors the elevator gave several sleepy jerks hmm i remarked in response to the elevator's sluggishness the elevator seems a little flaky suddenly each elevator occupant feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132 plus iq pounced forth with a thunderous explanation it's obviously got poor railguide alignment announced one the relay contact is not made up declared another suddenly i felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereo speaker i couldn't wait to escape the attack of the mental giants afterward in the solitude of my room i thought back and reflected that the men's answers were indeed interesting why then did i have an adverse reaction i realized it was too much too soon i was tired their high energy and intensity jarred my sluggish state you see small talk is not about facts or words it's about music about melody small talk is about putting people at ease it's about making comforting noises together like cats purring children humming or groups chanting you must first match your listeners mood like repeating the note on the music teacher's harmonica top communicators pick up on their listeners tone of voice and duplicate it instead of jumping in with such intensity the mansons could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying yes it is slow isn't it had they then prefaced their information with have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow i would have responded with a sincere yes i have after a moment of equalized energy levels i would have welcomed their explanations about the rail guard alignment or whatever the heck it was and friendships might have started i'm sure you've suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch have you ever been relaxing when some over excited hot breath colleague starts pounding you with questions or the reverse you're late rushing to a meeting when an associate stops you and starts lazily narrating a long languous story no matter how interesting the tale you don't want to hear it now the first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to match your listeners mood if only for a sentence or two when it comes to small talk think music not words is your listener adagio or allegro match that pace i call it make a mood match matching their mood can make or break the sale matching customers moods is crucial for salespeople some years ago i decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend stella it was going to be a triple whammy party because she was celebrating three events one it was stella's birthday two she was newly engaged and three stella had just landed her dream job she had been my buddy since grade school and i was floating on air over her birthday engagement congratulations bash i had heard one of the best french restaurants in town had an attractive back room for parties about five pm one afternoon i walked it happily into the restaurant and found the seated metra d languidly looking over his reservation book i began excitedly babbling about stella's triple whammy celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room i'd heard so much about without a smile or moving a muscle he said zero means back you can go see it if you like crash what a party pooper his morose mood kicked all the party spirit out of me and i no longer wanted to rent his stupid space before i even looked at the room he lost the rental i left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion every mother knows this instinctively to quiet a whimpering infant mama doesn't just shake her finger and shout quiet down no mama picks baby up mama cries sympathetically matching baby's misery for a few moments mama then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy sounds your listeners are all big babies match their mood if you want them to stop crying start buying or otherwise come round to your way of thinking technique number 10 make a mood match before opening your mouth take a voice sample of your listener to detect his or her state of mind take a psychic photograph of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant bored if you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts you must match their mood and voice tone if only for a moment eleven how to sound like you've got a super personality no matter what you're saying once while at a party i spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of avid listeners the chap was smiling gesticulating and obviously enthralling his audience i went over to hearken to this fascinating speaker i joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two suddenly it dawned on me the fellow was saying the most banal things his script was dull dull dull ah but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion and therefore he held the group spellbound it convinced me that it's not all what you say it's how you say it what's a good opening line when i meet people i am often asked this question and i give them the same answer a woman who once worked in my office always gave me dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch sometimes as i was leaving for the sandwich shop i'd ask her hey dottie what can i bring you back for lunch toddy trying to be obliging would say oh anything is fine with me no dotty i wanted to scream tell me what you want ham and cheese on rye bologna on whole wheat hold the mayo peanut butter and jelly with sliced bananas be specific anything is a hassle frustrating though it may be my answer to the opening line question is anything because almost anything you say really is okay as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate how do you put people at ease by convincing them they are okay and that the two of you are similar when you do that you break down walls of fear suspicion and mistrust why banal makes a bond samuel i hayakawa was a college president u.s senator and brilliant linguistic analyst of japanese origin he tells us this story that shows the value of as he says unoriginal remarks in early 1943 after the attack on pearl harbor at a time when there were rumors of japanese spies hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in oshkosh wisconsin he noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously because of the war they were apprehensive about his presence he later wrote one couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other so what did hayakawa do he made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease he said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on so cold a night the man agreed i went on hayakawa wrote to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules were so uncertain again the husband agreed i then asked the child's age and remarked that their child looked very big and strong for his age again agreement this time with a slight smile the tension was relaxing after two or three more exchanges the man asked hayakawa i hope you don't mind my bringing it up but you're japanese aren't you do you think the japs have any chance of winning this war well hayakawa replied your guess is as good as mine i don't know any more than i read in the papers but the way i figure it i don't see how the japanese with their lack of coal and steel and oil can never beat a powerfully industrialized nation like the united states hayakawa went on my remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed hundreds of radio commentators were saying much the same thing during those weeks but just because they were the remarks sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with the wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine relief his next remark was say i hope your folks aren't over there while the war is going on yes they are hayakawa replied my father and mother and two young sisters are over there do you ever hear from them the man asked how can i hayakawa answered both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic do you mean you won't be able to see them or hear from them until after the war is over there was more to the conversation but the result was within 10 minutes they had invited hayakawa whom they initially may have suspected was a japanese spy to visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in their home and all because of this brilliant scholars admittedly common and unoriginal small talk top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first word should be like senator hayakawa's unoriginal even banal but not indifferent hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sincerity and passion ascent from banality it is not necessary of course to stay with mundane remarks if you find your company displays cleverness or wit you match that the conversation then escalates naturally compatibly don't rush it or like the mansions you seem like you're showing off the bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness because remember people tune into your tone more than your text technique number 11 prosaic with passion worried about your first words fear not because eighty percent of your listeners impression has nothing to do with your words anyway almost anything you say at first is fine no matter how prosaic the text an empathetic mood a positive demeanor and passionate delivery make you sound exciting anything except liverwurst back to dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk sometimes as i walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to bring her she'd call after me anything except liverwurst that is thanks dottie that's a little bit of help here's my anything except liverwurst on smalltalk anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining rude or unpleasant if the first words out of your mouth are a complaint plan people label you a complainer why because that complaint is your new acquaintance's 100 percent sampling of you so far you could be the happiest pollyanna ever but how will they know if your first comment is a complaint you're a griper if your first words are rude you're a creep if your first words are unpleasant you're a stinker open and shut other than these downers anything goes ask them where they're from how they know the host of the party where they bought the lovely suit they're wearing or hundreds of etc the trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers let's take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating i'll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties then nine more to make small talk not so small twelve how to make people want to start a conversation with you singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the benefit of introduction in the vernacular making a pickup have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally well for social or corporate networking purposes the technique requires no exceptional skill on your part only the courage to sport a simple visual prop called a whatsit what's a what's it a what's it is anything you wear or carry that is unusual a unique pin an interesting purse a strange tie or an amusing hat a whatsit is any object that draws people's attention and inspires them to approach you and ask uh what's that your what's it can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit i wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resembles a double monocle often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked what's it i explain it's a lornette left to me by my grandmother which of course paves the way to discuss hatred of glasses aging eyes love or loss of grandmothers adoration of antique jewelry anywhere the inquisitor wants to take it perhaps unknowingly you have fallen prey to this soon-to-be legendary technique at a gathering have you ever noticed someone you would like to talk to then you've wracked your brain to conjure an excuse to make the approach what a bounty it was to discover that he or she was wearing some weird wild or wonderful something you could comment on the what's it way to love your what's it is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or new romance my friend alexander carries greek worry beads with him wherever he goes he's not worried he knows any woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say what's that think about it gentlemen suppose you're at a party an attractive woman spots you across the room she wants to talk to you but she's thinking well mister you're attractive but golly what can i say to you you just ain't got no what's it be a what's it seeker to likewise become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish to approach why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon's vest pocket the brooch on the bosom of the rich divorcee or the school ring on the finger of the ceo whose company you want to work for the big spender who you suspect might buy a hundred of your widgets has a tiny golf club lapel pin say excuse me i couldn't help but notice your attractive lapel pin are you a golfer me too what courses have you played your business cards and your whatsit are crucial socializing artifacts whether you are riding in the elevator climbing the doorstep or traversing the path to the party make sure your whatsit is hanging out for all to see technique number 12 always wear a what's it whenever you go to a gathering wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach excuse me i couldn't help but notice your what is that the next quickie technique was originated by doggedly determined politicians who don't let one party go or escape if they think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns i call it the who's that technique 13. how to meet the people you want to meet say you have scrutinized the body of the important business contact you want to meet you've searched in vain from the tip of his cowlick to the toes of his boots he's not sporting a single what's it if you strike out on finding something to comment on resort to the who's that technique like a persistent politician go to the party giver and say that man or woman over there looks interesting who is he or she then ask for an introduction don't be hesitant the party giver will be pleased you find one of the guests interesting if however you are loath to pull the party giver away from his or her other guests you can still perform who's at this time don't ask for a formal introduction simply pump the party giver for just enough information to launch you find out about the stranger's jobs interests and hobbies suppose the partygiver says oh that's joe smith i'm not sure what his job is but i know he loves to ski you've just been given the icebreaker you need now you make a beeline for joe smith hi you're joe smith aren't you susan was just telling me what a great skier you are where do you ski you get the idea technique number 13 who's that who's that is the most effective least used by non-politicians meeting people device ever contrived simply ask the party giver to make the introduction or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers now the third in our little trio of meeting who you want tricks 14. how to break into a tight crowd the woman you've decided you must meet is wearing no what's it can't find the host for the who's that technique to make matters worse she's deep in conversation with a group of her friends seems quite hopeless that you will maneuver a meeting doesn't it you can't just say excuse me i just thought i'd eavesdrop in and say hello no obstacle blocks the resolute politician who always has a trick or ten up his or her sleeve a politico would resort to the eavesdrop in technique eavesdropping of course conjures images of clandestine activities wiretapping watergate break-ins or spies skulking around in the murky shadows eavesdropping has historical precedent with politicians so in a pinch it naturally comes to mind at parties stand near the group of people you wish to infiltrate then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break into the group excuse me i couldn't help overhearing that you and then whatever is relevant here for example i couldn't help overhearing your discussion of bermuda i'm going there next month for the first time any suggestions now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to your intended technique number 14 eavesdrop in no whatsit no host for who's at no problem just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with excuse me i couldn't help it over here will they be taken aback momentarily will they get over it momentarily will you be in the conversation absolutely let us now hop back on the train that first explored small talk city and travel to the land of meaningful communicating fifteen how to make where are you from sound exciting you wouldn't dream of going to a party naked and i hope you wouldn't dream of letting your conversation be exposed naked and defenseless against the two inevitable assaults where are you from and what do you do asked these questions most people like clunking a frozen steak on a china platter drop a brick of frozen geography or baffling job title on the asker's conversational platter then they slap on the muzzle you're at a convention everyone you meet will of course ask and where are you from when you give them the short form naked city answer oh i'm from muscatine iowa or anywhere they haven't heard of what can you expect except a blank stare even if you're a relatively big city slicker from denver colorado detroit michigan or san diego california you'll receive a panicked look from all but american history professors they're rapidly racking their brains thinking what do i say next even the names of world-class birds like new york chicago washington and los angeles inspire less than riveting responses when i tell people i'm from new york city what are they expected to say does seen any good muggings lately do humanity and yourself a favor never ever give just a one sentence response to the question where are you from give the asker some fuel for his tank some fodder for his trough give the hungry communicator something to conversationally nibble on all it takes is an extra sentence or two about your city some interesting fact some witty observation to hook the asker into the conversation several months ago a trade association invited me to be its keynote speaker on networking and teaching people to be better conversationalists just before my speech i was introduced to mrs devlin who was the head of the association how do you do she asked how do you do i replied then mrs devlin smiled anxiously awaiting a sample of my stimulating conversational expertise i asked her where she was from she plunked a frozen columbus ohio and a big expectant grin on my platter i had to quickly thaw her answer into digestible conversation my mind thrashed into action leo's thought pattern gulp columbus ohio i've never been there hmm criminy what do i know about columbus i know a fellow named jeff a successful speaker who lives there but columbus is too big to ask if she knows him and besides only kids play the do you know so and so game my panicked silent search continued i think it's named after christopher columbus but i'm not sure so i better keep my mouth shut on that one four or five other possibilities raced through my mind but i rejected them all as too obvious too adolescent or too off the wall i realized by now that seconds had passed and mrs devlin was still standing there with a slowly dissipating smile on her face she was waiting for me the expert who within the hour was expected to teach her trade association lessons on scintillating conversation to spew forth words of wit or wisdom oh columbus gee i mumbled in desperation watching her face fall into the worried expression of a patient being asked by the surgeon knife poised in hand where's your appendix i never came up with stimulating conversation on columbus but just then under the knife i created the following technique for posterity i call it never the naked city technique number 15 never the naked city whenever someone asks you the inevitable and where are you from never ever unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on then when they say something clever in response to your bait they think you're a great conversationalist different bait for shrimp or sharks a fisherman uses different bait to bag bass or bluefish and you will obviously throw out different conversational bait to snag simple shrimp or sophisticated sharks your hook should relate to the type of person you're speaking with i'm originally from washington dc if someone at say an art gallery asked me where i was from i might answer washington dc design you know by the same city planner who designed paris this opens the conversational possibilities to the artistry of city planning paris other cities plans european travel and so forth at a social party of singles i'd opt for another answer i'm from washington dc the reason i left is there were seven women to every man when i was growing up now the conversation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of being single the perceived lack of desirable men everywhere or even flirtatious possibilities in a political group i'd cast a current fact from the constantly evolving political face of washington no need to speculate on the multitude of conversational possibilities that unlocks where do you get your conversational bait start by phoning the chamber of commerce or historical society of your town search the world wide web and click on your town or open an old fashioned encyclopedia all rich sources for future stimulating conversations learn some history geography business statistics or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends funny bones the devlin debacle inspired further research the minute i got home i called the columbus chamber of commerce and the historical society say you too are from columbus ohio and your new acquaintance lays it on you where are you from when you are talking with a business person your answer could be i'm from columbus ohio you know many major corporations do their product testing in columbus because it's so commercially typical in fact it's been called the most american city in america they say if it booms or bombs in columbus it booms or bombs nationally talking with someone with a german last name tell her about columbus's historic german village with the brick streets and the wonderful 1850s style little houses it's bound to inspire stories of the old country your conversation partner's surname is italian tell him genoa italy is columbus's sister city talking with an american history buff tell him that columbus was indeed named after christopher columbus and that a replica of the santa maria is anchored in the sciota river talking with a student tell her about the five universities in columbus the possibilities continue you suspect your conversation partner has an artistic bent ah you throw out casually columbus is the home of artist george bellows columbusites prepare some tasty snacks for askers even if you know nothing about them here's a goodie tell them you always have to say columbus ohio because there is also a columbus arkansas columbus georgia columbus indiana columbus kansas columbus kentucky columbus mississippi columbus montana columbus nebraska columbus new jersey columbus new mexico columbus north carolina columbus north dakota columbus pennsylvania columbus texas and columbus wisconsin that spreads the conversational possibilities to 15 other states remember as a quotable notable once said no man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next a post script to the hellish experience i had with columbus months later i mentioned the trauma to my speaker friend from columbus jeff jeff explained his house was really in a smaller town just minutes outside columbus what town jeff gehenna ohio gehenna means hell in hebrew he said and then went on to explain why he thought ancient hebrew historians were clairvoyant thanks jeff i knew you'd never lay a naked city on any of your listeners 16. how to come out a winner every time they ask and what do you do third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance will soon chirp and what do you do is it fitting and proper they should make that query we'll pick up that sticky wicket later for the moment these few defensive moves help you keep your crackerjack communicator credentials when asked the inevitable question first like never the naked city don't toss a short shrift answer in response to the asker's breathless inquiry you leave the poor fish flopping on the deck when you just say your title i'm an actuary an auditor an author an astrophysicist have mercy so he or she doesn't feel like a nincompoop outsider asking what uh kind of actualizing auditing authoring or astrophysicizing do you do you're an attorney don't leave it to layman to try to figure out what you really do flesh it out tell a little story your conversation partner can get a handle on for example if you're talking with a young mother say i'm an attorney our firm specializes in employment law in fact now i'm involved in a case where a company actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave that was a medical necessity a mother can relate to that talking with a business owner say i'm an attorney our firm specializes in employment law my current case concerns an employer who is being sued by one of her staff for asking personal questions during the initial job interview a business owner can relate to that technique number 16 never the naked job when asked the inevitable and what do you do you may think i'm an economist an educator an engineer is giving enough information to engender good conversation however to one who is not an economist educator or an engineer you might as well be saying i'm a paleontologist psychoanalyst pornographer flesh it out throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on otherwise they'll soon excuse themselves preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray painful memories of naked job flashers i still harbor painful recollections of being tongue-tied when confronted by naked job flashers like the time a fellow at a dinner party told me i'm a nuclear scientist my weak oh that must be fascinating reduced me to a mental molecule in his eyes the chap on my other side announced i'm in industrial abrasives and then paused waiting for me to be impressed my well uh golly you must have to be a shrewd judge of character to be in industrial abrasives didn't fly either we three sat in silence the rest of the meal just last month a new acquaintance bragged i'm planning to teach tibetan buddhism at truckee meadows community college and then clammed up i knew less about truckee meadows than i did about tibetan buddhism whenever people ask you what you do give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they can catch their breath and say something 17. how to introduce people like the hostess with the mostest it is important to help newly mets through their first nervous moments susan i'd like you to meet john smith john this is susan jones duh what do you expect john and susan to say smith um that's s-m-i-t-h isn't it uh golly susan well now that's an interesting name nice try forget it don't blame john or susan for being less than scintillating the fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most people introduce their friends to each other with naked names they cast out a line with no bait for people to sink their teeth into big winners may not talk a lot but conversation never dies unwillingly in their midst they make sure of it with techniques like never the naked introduction when they introduce people they buy an insurance policy on the conversation with a few simple add-ons susan i'd like you to meet john john has a wonderful boat we took a trip on last summer john this is susan smith susan is editor-in-chief of shoestring gourmet magazine padding the introduction gives susan the opportunity to ask what kind of boat john has or where the group went it gives john an opening to discuss his love of writing or of cooking or a food the conversation can then naturally expand to travel in general life on boats past vacations favorite recipes restaurants budgets diets magazines editorial policy to infinity if you're not comfortable mentioning someone's job during the introduction mention their hobby or even a talent the other day at a gathering the hostess introduced a man named gilbert she said leo i'd like you to meet gilbert gilbert's gift is sculpting he makes beautiful wax carvings i remember thinking gift now that's a lovely way to introduce someone and induce conversation technique number 17 never the naked introduction when introducing people don't throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam leaving the newly mets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things then you're free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity armed with these two personality enhancers three conversation igniters and three small extenders it is time to take a step up the communications ladder let us now rise from small talk and seek the path to more meaningful dialogue the next technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your conversation partner 18. how to resuscitate a dying conversation even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while making love is it good for you too honey knows not to ask a colleague is the conversation good for you too yet he wonders we all do but the following technique set your mind at rest you can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone with whom you speak like my prom date donnie you will miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners be a sleuth on their slips of the tongue no matter how elusive the clue sherlock holmes is confident he'll soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass like the unerring detective big winners know no matter how elusive the clue they'll find the right topic how they become word detectives i have a young friend nancy who works in a nursing home nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are she laments she has difficulty relating to them nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman named mrs otis whom she could never get to open up to her one day nancy confided right after all those rainstorms we had last week just to make conversation i remarked to mrs otis terrible storms we had last week don't you think well nancy continued mrs otis practically jumped on my throat she said in a snippy voice it's been good for the plants i asked nancy how she responded to that what could i say nancy answered the woman was obviously cutting me off did you ever think to ask mrs otis if she liked plants plants nancy asked well yes i suggested mrs otis brought the subject up i asked nancy to do me a favor ask her i begged nancy resisted but i persisted just to quiet me down nancy promised to ask cantankerous old mrs otis if she liked plants the next day a flabbergasted nancy called me from work leo how did you know not only did mrs otis love plants but she told me she'd been married to a gardener today i had a different problem with mrs otis i couldn't shut her up she went on and on about her garden her husband top communicators know ideas don't come out of nowhere if mrs otis thought to bring up plants then she must have some relationship with them furthermore by mentioning the word it meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants suppose for example instead of responding to nancy's comment about the rain with it's good for the plants mrs otis had said because of the rain my dog couldn't go out nancy could then ask about her dog or suppose she grumbled it's bad for my arthritis can you guess what old mrs otis wants to talk about now when talking with anyone keep your ears open and like a good detective listen for clues be on the lookout for any unusual references any anomaly deviation digression or invocation of another place time person ask about it because it's the clue to what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing if two people have something in common when the shared interest comes up they jump on it naturally for example if someone mentions playing squash bird watching or stamp collecting and the listener shares that passion he or she pipes up oh you're a squasher or birder or philatelist too here's the trick there's no need to be a squasher birder or philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm you can simply be a word detective when you pick up on the reference as though it excites you too it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to the subject may put your feet to sleep but that's another story technique number 18 be a word detective like a good gum shoe listen to your conversation partner's every word for clues to his or her preferred topic the evidence is bound to slip out then spring on that subject like a sleuth onto a slip of the tongue like sherlock holmes you have the clue to the subject that's hot for the other person now that you've ignited stimulating conversation let's explore a technique to keep it hot 19. how to enthrall them with your choice of topic them several years ago a girlfriend and i attended a party saturated with a hodgepodge of swelligant folks everyone we talked to seemed to lead a nifty life discussing the party afterward i asked my friend diane of all the exciting people at the party who did you enjoy talking to most without hesitation she said oh by far dan smith what does dan do i asked her um well i'm not sure she answered where does he live uh i don't know diane responded well what is he interested in well we really didn't talk about his interests diane i asked what did you talk about well i guess we talked mostly about me aha i thought diane has just rubbed noses with a winner as it turns out i had the pleasure of meeting big winner dan several months later diane's ignorance about his life piqued my curiosity so i grilled him for details as it turns out dan lives in paris has a beach home in the south of france and a mountain home in the alps he travels around the world producing sound and light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins and he is an avid hang glider and scuba diver does this man have an interesting life or what yet dan when meeting diane said nothing about himself i told dan about how pleased diane was to meet him yet how little she learned about his life dan simply replied well when i meet someone i learn so much more if i ask about their life i always try to turn the spotlight on the other person truly confident people often do this they know they grow more by listening than talking obviously they also captivate the talker sell yourself with a top sales technique several months ago at a speaker's convention i was talking with a colleague brian tracy brian does a brilliant job of training top salespeople he tells his students of a giant spotlight that when shining on their product is not as interesting to the prospect when they shine the spotlight on the prospect they make the sale sales people this technique is especially crucial for you keep your swiveling spotlight aimed away from you only lightly on your product and most brightly on your buyer you'll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product technique number 19 the swiveling spotlight when you meet someone imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you when you're talking the spotlight is on you when the new person is speaking it's shining on him or her if you shine it brightly enough the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself the longer you keep it shining away from you the more interesting he or she finds you 20. how to never need to wonder what do i say next moments arise of course when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit the wall some folks monosyllabic grunts leave slim pickings even for masters of the be a word detective technique if you find yourself feudally fanning the embers of a dying conversation and if you feel for political reasons or human compassion that the conversation should continue here's a foolproof trick to get the fire blazing again i call it parroting after that beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone's heart simply by repeating other people's words have you ever puttering around the house had the tv in the background tuned to a tennis game you hear the ball going back and forth over the net clunk clink clunk clink this time you don't hear the clunk the ball didn't hit the court what happened you immediately look up at the set likewise in conversation the conversational ball goes back and forth first you speak then your partner speaks you speak and so it goes back and forth each time through a series of nods and comforting grunts like you let your conversation partner know the ball has landed in your court it's your i got it signal such is the rhythm of conversation what do i say next back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank don't panic instead of signaling verbally or non-verbally that you got it simply repeat or parrot the last two or three words your companion said in a sympathetic questioning tone that throws the conversational ball right back in your partner's court my friend phil sometimes picks me up at the airport usually i am so exhausted that i rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat relegating phil to nothing more than a chauffeur after one especially exhausting trip some years ago i flung my bags in his trunk and flopped onto the front seat as i was dozing off he mentioned he'd gone to the theater in the night before usually i would have just grunted and walked it into unconsciousness however on this particular trip i had learned the parroting technique and was eager to try it theater i parroted quizzically yes it was a great show he replied fully expecting it to be the last word on the subject before i fell into my usual sleepy stupor great show i parroted pleasantly surprised by my interest he said yes it's a new show by stephen sondheim called sweeney todd sweeney todd i again parroted now phil was getting fired up yeah great music and an unbelievably bizarre story bizarre story i parroted well that's all phil needed for the next half an hour phil told me the show's story about a london barber who went around murdering people i half dozed but soon decided his tale of sweeney todd's cutting off people's heads was disturbing my sleepy reverie so i simply backed up and parroted one of his previous phrases to get him on another track you said it had great music that did the trick for the rest of the 45-minute trip to my home phil sang me pretty women the best pies in london and other songs from sweeney todd much better accompaniment for my demi nap i'm sure to this day phil thinks of that trip as one of the best conversations we ever had and all i did was parrot a few of his phrases technique number 20 parroting never be left speechless again like a parrot simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says that puts the ball right back in his or her court and then all you need to do is listen salespeople why go on a wild goose chase for a customer's real objections when it's so easy to shake them out of the trees with parroting parroting your way to profits parroting is also a can opener to pry open people's real feelings star salespeople use it to get to their prospects emotional objections which they often don't even articulate to themselves a friend of mine paul a used car salesman told me he credits a recent sale of a lamborghini to parroting paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife who had expressed interest in a sensible car he was showing them every sensible chevy and ford on the lot as they were looking at one very sensible family car paul asked the husband what he thought of it well he mused i'm not sure this car is right for me instead of moving on to the next sensible car paul right for you paul's questioning inflection signaled the prospect that he needed to say more well yeah the prospect mumbled i'm not sure it fits my personality fits your personality paul again parroted you know maybe i need something a little more sporty a little more sporty paul parrotted well those cars over there look a little more sporty aha paul's parrot had ferreted out which cars to show the customer as they walked over toward a lamborghini on the lot paul saw the prospect's eyes light up an hour later paul had pocketed a fat commission want to take a rest from talking to save your throat this next technique gets your conversation partner off and running so all you have to do is listen or even sneak off unnoticed as he or she chats congenially away 21. how to get them happily chatting so you can slip away if you want to every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime daddy daddy tell me the story again of the three little pigs or the dancing princesses or how you and mommy met daddy knows junior enjoyed the story so much the first time he wants to hear it again and again junior inspires the following technique called encore which serves two purposes encore makes a colleague feel like a happy dad and it's a great way to give dying conversation a heart transplant i once worked on a ship that had italian officers and mostly american passengers each week the deck officers were required to attend the captain's cocktail party after the captain's address in charmingly broken english the officers invariably clumped together yakking it up in italian needless to say most of the passengers grasp of italian ended at macaroni spaghetti salami and pizza as cruise director it fell on my shoulders to get the officers to mingle with the passengers my not so subtle tactic was to grab one of the officer's arms and literally drag him over to a smiling throng of expectant passengers i would then introduce the officer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue or a passenger would come up with a more original question than gee if all you officers are here who is driving the boat never happened i dreaded the weekly captain's cocktail party one night sleeping in my cabin i was awakened by the ship rocking violently from side to side i listened and the engines were off a bad sign i grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck through the dense fog i could barely discern another ship not half a mile from us five or six officers were grasping the starboard guard rail and leaning overboard i rushed over just in time to see a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling up our violently rocking ladder the officers immediately whisked him off to our ship's hospital the engine started again and we were on our way the next morning i got the full story a laborer on the other ship a freighter had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder while he was working a sharp needle-thin piece of metal shot like a missile into his right eye the freighter had no doctor on board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal international sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must respond our ship came to the rescue and the seamen clutching his bleeding eye was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him to our ship dr rossi our ship's doctor was successfully able to remove the needle from the workman's eye thus saving his eyesight tell him about the time you cut to the next captain's cocktail party once again i was faced with the familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle and make small talk with the passengers i made my weekly trek to the laconic officer's throng to drag one or two away and this time my hand fell on the arm of the ship's doctor i hauled him over to the nearest group of grinning passengers and introduced him i then said just last week dr rosie saved the eyesight of a sea man on another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue dr rosie i'm sure these folks would love to hear about it it was like a magic wand to my amazement it was as though dr rosie was blessed instantly with the tongues of angels his previously monosyllabic broken english became thickly accented eloquence he recounted the entire story for the growing group of passengers gathering around him i left the throng that dr rosie enraptured to pull another officer over to an awaiting audience i grabbed the captain's stripe covered arm dragged him over to another pack of smiling passengers and said captain caferro why don't you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week the cat released cafero's tongue and he was off and running back to the throng to get the first officer for the next group by now i knew i had a winner senor silvago why don't you tell these folks how you awakened the captain at midnight last week for the dramatic midnight rescue by then it was time to go back to extract the ship's doctor from the first bevy and take him to his next pack of passengers it worked even better the second time he happily commenced his encore for the second audience as he chatted away i raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng i felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on sticks just as i got one conversation spinning i had to race back to the first speaker to give him a whirl at another audience the captain's cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest of the season the three officers loved telling the same story of their heroism to new people every cruise the only problem was i noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time i had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat performance for the next audience play it again sam encore is what appreciative audiences chant when they want another song from the singer another dance from the dancer another poem from the poet and in my case another storytelling from the officers encore is the technique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect potential employer or valued acquaintance while the two of you are chatting with a group of people simply turn to him and say john i bet everyone would love to hear about the time you caught that thirty pound striped bass or susan tell everyone that story you just told me of how you rescued the kitten from the tree he or she will of course demur insist your conversation partner is secretly loving it the subtext of your request is that story of yours was so terrific i want my other friends to hear it after all only crowd pleasers are asked to do an encore technique number 21 encore the sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is encore encore let's hear it again the sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you're talking with a group of people is tell them about the time you whenever you're at a meeting or party with someone important to you think of some stories he or she told you choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance the added benefit of this technique is that once you've got them up and running with their conversation you can sneak off and find more interesting company one word of warning make sure the story you request is one in which the teller shines no one wants to retell the time they lost the sale cracked up the car or broke up the bar and spent the night in jail make sure your requested encore is a positive story where they come out the big winner not the buffoon the full beauty of this technique will hit you like a happy thunderbolt the first time you use it with someone who is telling a long and we're some tale you simply tiptoe away and let the boar spin the story on and on with your friend of course your friend may never speak to you again but that's not germaine to this chapter the next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of your life 22 how to come across as a positive person often people think when they meet someone they like they should share a secret reveal an intimacy or make a confession of sorts to show they are human too airing your youthful battle with bedwetting teeth grinding or thumb sucking or your present struggle with gout or a goiter supposedly endears you to the masses well sometimes it does one study showed that if someone is above you in stature their revealing a foible brings them closer to you the holes in the bottom of presidential candidate adelaide stevenson's shoes charmed a nation as did george h.w bush's shocking admission that he couldn't stomach broccoli if you're on shore footing say a superstar who wants to become friends with a fan go ahead and tell your devotees about the time you were out of work and penniless but if you're not a superstar better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later people don't know you well enough to put your foible in context later in a relationship telling your new friend you've been thrice married you got caught shoplifting as a teenager and you got turned down for a big job maybe no big deal and that may be the extent of what could be construed as black marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships no misdemeanors and an impressive professional record but very early in a relationship the instinctive reaction is what else is coming if he shares that with me so quickly what else is he hiding a closet full of ex-spouses a criminal record walls papered with rejection letters your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession was a generous act a well-intentioned revelation on your part technique number 22 accentuate the positive when first meeting someone lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later you and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out have a good laugh and dance over their bones later in the relationship but now's the time as the old song says to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative so far in this section you have found assertive methods for meeting people and mastering small talk the next is both an assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about twenty three how to always have something interesting to say you've heard folks whine i can't go to the party i haven't got a thing to wear when was the last time you heard i can't go to the party i haven't got a thing to say when going to a gathering with great networking possibilities you naturally plan your outfit and make sure your shoes will match and of course you must have just the right tie or correct color lipstick you puff your hair pack your business cards and you're off whoa wait a minute didn't you forget the most important thing what about the right conversation to enhance your image are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind or doesn't at the moment you wouldn't don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet so you shouldn't leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant smiling faces you will of course follow your instincts in conversation but at least be prepared in case inspiration doesn't hit the best way to ensure your conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave what's happening right now in the world all the fires floods air disasters toppled governments and stock market crashes pulverizes into great conversational fodder no matter what crowd you're circulating in it is with some embarrassment that i must attribute the following technique to a businesswoman in the world's oldest profession for a magazine article i was writing i interviewed one of the savviest operators in her field sydney biddle barrows the famed mayflower madam sydney told me she had a house rule when she was in business all of her female independent contractors were directed to keep up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists with their clients this was not just sydney's whim feedback from her employees had revealed that 60 percent of her girls work hour was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the customer's needs thus she instructed them to read the daily newspaper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an appointment sydney told me when she initiated this rule her business increased significantly reports came back from her clients complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for her the consummate businesswoman ms barrows always strove to exceed her customers expectations technique number 23 the latest news don't leave home without it the last move to make before leaving for the party even after you've given yourself final approval in the mirror is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper anything that happened today is good material knowing the big deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody's talking about foot in mouth is not very tasty in public especially when it's surrounded by egg on face ready for the big leagues of conversation let's go part three how to talk like a vip welcome to the human jungle when two tigers prowling through the jungle chants upon one another in a clearing they look at each other they freeze instinctively they calculate if our staring came to hissing came to scratching came to clawing who would win which of us has the stronger survival skills tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright animals inhabiting the corporate jungle or singles jungle or social jungle humans start the process by looking at each other and talking in the business world while smiling and uttering how do you do hello howdy or hi they are like tigers instinctively instantaneously sizing each other up they're not calculating the length of each other's claws or the sharpness of their teeth they're judging each other on a weapon far more powerful to survival as they have defined it humans are judging each other's communication skills although they may not know the names of the specific studies first proving it they sense the truth eighty-five percent of one's success in life is directly due to communication skills they may not be familiar with the us census bureau's recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communication skills and attitude way over education experience and training but they know communication skills get people to the top thus by observing each other carefully during casual conversing it becomes almost immediately evident to both which is the bigger cat in the human jungle it doesn't take long for people to recognize who is an important person one cliche one insensitive remark one over anxious reaction and you can be professionally or personally demoted you can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact one stupid move and you can tumble off the corporate or social ladder the techniques in this section will help ensure that you make all the right moves so this doesn't happen the following communication skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top of any ladder you choose 24. how to find out what they do without even asking to size each other up the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask each other is and what do you do then they crouch there quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses with an obvious i'm going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you answer look on their pusses big cats never ask outright what do you do oh they find out all right in a much more subtle manner by not asking the question the big boys and big girls come across as more principled even spiritual after all their silence says a man or woman is far more than his or her job resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity with so much downsizing right sizing and capsizing of corporations these days the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness the job question is not just unpleasant for those who are between engagements i have several gainfully employed friends who hate being asked and what do you do one of these folks cuts cadavers for autopsies the other is an irs collection agent additionally millions of talented and accomplished women have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood when the cruel corporate question is thrust at them they feel guilty the rude interrogation belittles their commitment to their families no matter how the women answer they fear the asker is only going to hear a humble i'm just a housewife big boys and big girls should avoid asking what do you do for another reason their abstinence from the question leads listeners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a high flying crowd recently i attended a posh party on easy street i suspect they invited me as their token working class person i noticed no one was asking anyone what they did because these swells didn't do anything oh some might have a ticker tape on the bed table of their mansion to track investments but they definitely did not work for a living the final benefit to not asking what do you do is it throws people off guard it convinces them that you are enjoying their company for who they are not for any crass networking reason technique number 24 what do you do not sure sign you're a somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question what do you do you determine this of course but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker a social climber a gold digging husband or wife hunter or someone who's never strolled along easy street the right way to find out so how do you find out what someone does for a living i thought you'd never ask you simply practice the following eight words all together now how do you spend most of your time how do you spend most of your time is the gracious way to let a cadaver cutter a tax collector or a capsized employee off the hook it's the way to reinforce an accomplished mother's choice it's the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner beauty it's a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on easy street too now suppose you've just made the acquaintance of someone who does like to talk about his or her work asking how do you spend most of your time also opens the door for workaholics to spout off oh golly they mock moan i just spend all my time working that of course is your invitation to grill them for details then they'll talk your ear off yet the new wording of your question gives those who are somewhere between at leisure and work addicted the choice of telling you about their job or not finally asking how do you spend most of your time instead of and what do you do gives you your big cat stripes right off twenty five how to know what to say when they ask what do you do now ninety nine percent of the people you meet will of course ask and what do you do big winners realizing someone will always ask are fully prepared for the interrogation many folks have one written resume for job seeking they type it up and then trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospective employers the resume lists their previous positions dates of employment and education then at the bottom they might as well have scribbled well that's me take it or leave it and usually they get left why because prospective employers do not find enough specific points in the resume that relate directly to what their firm is seeking boys and girls in the big leagues however have bits and bytes of their entire work experience tucked away in their computers when applying for a job they punch up only the appropriate data and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer my friend roberto was out of work last year he applied for two positions a sales manager of an ice cream company and head of strategic planning for a fast food chain he did extensive research and found the ice cream company had deep sales difficulties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations did he send the same resume to each absolutely not his resume never deviated one iota from the truth of his background however for the ice cream company he highlighted his experience turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three years for the food chain he underscored his experience working in europe and his knowledge of foreign markets both firms offered roberto the job now he could play them off against each other he went to each explaining he'd like to work for them but another firm was offering a higher salary or more perks the two firms started bidding against each other for roberto he finally chose the food chain at almost double the salary they originally offered him to make the most of every encounter personalize your verbal resume with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae instead of having one answer to the omnipresent what do you do prepare a dozen or so variations depending on who's asking for optimum networking every time someone asks about your job give a calculated oral resume in a nutshell before you submit your answer consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work here's how my life can benefit yours top salespeople talk extensively of the benefit statement they know when talking with a potential client they should open their conversation with a benefit statement when my colleague brian makes cold calls instead of saying hello my name is brian tracy i'm a sales trainer he says hello my name is brian tracy from the institute for executive development would you be interested in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 percent over the next 12 months that is his benefit statement he highlights the specific benefits of what he has to offer to his prospect my hairdresser gloria i discovered gives a terrific benefit statement to everyone she meets that's probably why she has so many clients in fact that's how she got me as a client when i met gloria at a convention she told me she was a hairdresser who specialized in flexible hair styles for the business woman she casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine style for social situations hey that's me i said to myself fingering my stringy little ponytail i asked for her card and gloria became my hairdresser then several months later i happened to see gloria at another event i overheard her chatting with a stylish gray-haired woman at the buffet table gloria was saying and we specialize in a wonderful array of blue rinses now that was news to me i didn't remember seeing one gray head in her salon as i was leaving the party gloria was out on the lawn talking animatedly with the host's teenage daughters oh yeah she was saying like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute styles good for you gloria like gloria the hairdresser give your response a once over before answering the inevitable what do you do when someone asks never give just a one word answer that's for forms if business networking is on your mind ask yourself how could my professional experience benefit this person's life for example here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return real estate agent financial planner martial arts instructor cosmetic surgeon hairdresser any practitioner of the above profession should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind every job has some benefit or you wouldn't get paid to do it the advice to these folks is don't say real estate agents say i help people moving into our area find the right home don't say financial planner say i help people plan their financial future don't say martial arts instructor say i help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts don't say cosmetic surgeon say i reconstruct people's faces after disfiguring accidents or if you're talking with a woman of a certain age as the french so gracefully say tell her i help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery don't say hairdresser say i help a woman find the right hair style for her particular face go gloria putting the benefit statement in your verbal nutshell resume brings your job to life and makes it memorable even if your new acquaintance can't use your services the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area wanting to plan their financial future thinking of self-defense considering cosmetic surgery or needing a new hairstyle who comes to mind not the unimaginative people who gave the tax return description of their jobs but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs a nutshell resume for your private life the nutshell resume works in non-business situations too since the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself prepare a few exciting stock answers when meeting a potential friend or loved one make your life sound like you will be a fun person to know as a young girl i wrote novels in my mind about my life leel squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour bravely reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane big deal mama asked me to close the windows when it started to rain still marching toward the open window i fancied myself the family's brave savior you don't need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated technique number 25 the nutshell resume just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written resume off their printers for each position they're applying for let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener before responding to what do you do ask yourself what possible interest could this person have in my answer could he refer business to me buy from me hire me marry my sister become my buddy wherever you go pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks 26 how to sound even smarter than you are did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn big for his tongue by the smile on the speaker's face and the gleam in his eye as the word limped off his lips you knew he was really proud of it to make matters worse he probably used the word incorrectly inappropriately and maybe even mispronounced it ouch the world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative more intelligent people with larger vocabularies get hired quicker promoted faster and listened to a whole lot more so big winners use rich full words but they never sound inappropriate the phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their conversation the words fit with the care that they choose their tie or their blouse big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points the startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words you don't need much to sound like a big winner a mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind acquiring this super vocabulary is easy you needn't pour over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible british accents you don't need to learn two dollar words that your grandmother if she heard would wash out of your mouth with soap all you need to do is think of a few tired overworked words you use every day words like smart nice pretty or good then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day examine your long list of alternatives for example if you turned the word smart you'll find dozens of synonyms some words are colorful and rich like ingenious resourceful adroit shrewd and many more run down the list and say each out loud which ones fit your personality which ones seem right for you try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary the next time you want to compliment someone say on being smart you'll be purring oh that's so clever of you my how resourceful that was ingenious or maybe how astute of you and now for men only gentlemen we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror as if you didn't know when i was in college it used to take me a full 15 minutes to fix myself up for a date every year since i've had to add a few minutes i'm now up to an hour and a half gusting myself up for an evening out gentlemen when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up for a night out or you pick a lady up for dinner what do you say if you make no comment except well are you ready to go how do you think that makes the lady feel my friend gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes me to dinner i met him about 12 years ago and i'll never forget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date he said leel you look great i adored his reaction i saw gary a month or so later on my doorstep again leo you look great the precise same words as the first time but i still appreciated it it's been 12 long years now that this gentleman and i have been friends i see him about once every two months and every darn time it's the same old comment leo you look great i think i'll show up one evening in a flannel night shirt and a mud pack on my face i swear gary will say leel you look great during my seminars to help men avoid gary's mistake i ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great then i bring up one woman and several men i ask each to pretend he is her husband she has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner i ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment darla one says you look elegant every woman in the room sighs darla says another taking her hand you look stunning every woman in the room swoons darla says the third putting her hand between his you look ravishing by now every woman in the room has gone limp pay attention men words work on us women more unisex suggestions suppose you've been at a party and it was wonderful don't tell the hosts it was wonderful everybody says that tell them it was a splendid party a superb party an extraordinary party hug the hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time a remarkable time a glorious time the first few times you say a word like glorious it may not roll comfortably off your tongue yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful hmm glorious doesn't have any more syllables than wonderful neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity use your new favorite words a few times and just like breaking in a new pair of shoes you'll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words technique number 26 your personal thesaurus look up some common words you use every day in a thesaurus then like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit if you like them start making permanent replacements remember only 50 words makes the difference between a rich creative vocabulary and an average middle of the road one substitute a word a day for two months and you'll be in the verbally elite 27 how to not sound anxious let them discover your similarity tigers prowl with tigers lions lurk with lions and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats similarity breeds attraction but in the human jungle big cats know a secret when you delay revealing your similarity or let them discover it it has much more punch above all you don't want to sound anxious to have rapport whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience instead of jumping in with a breathless hey me too i do that too or i know all about that let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it let her go on about the country club before you tell her you're a member too let him go on analyzing the golf swing of arnold palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats greg jack tiger and arnie let her tell you how many tennis games she's won before you just happened to mention your usta ranking several years ago i was telling a new acquaintance how much i love to ski he listened with interest as i indulged in a detailed travelogue of places i had skied i raved about the various resorts i analyzed the various conditions i discussed artificial versus natural snow it wasn't until near the end of my monologue that i finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied he replied yes i keep a little apartment in aspen cool if he had jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after i first told him how much i liked skiing i'd have been impressed mildly however waiting until the end of our conversation and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept an aspen ski pad made it unforgettable here's the technique i call kill the quick me too whenever people mention an activity or interest you share let them enjoy discussing their passion then when the time is right casually mention you share their interest oh i must have been boring you i waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out finally the moment presented itself at a convention a new contact began telling me about her recent trip to washington dc she had no idea that washington was where i grew up she told me all about the capital the washington monument the kennedy center and how she and her husband went bicycling in rock creek park momentarily i forgot i was keeping my mouth shut to practice my new technique i was genuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitor's perspective i asked her where she stayed where she dined and if she had a chance to get into any of the beautiful maryland or virginia suburbs at one point obviously pleased by my interest in her trip she said you sound like you know a lot about washington yes i replied it's my hometown but i haven't been back there in ages your hometown she squealed my goodness why didn't you tell me i must have been boring you oh not at all i replied honestly i was enjoying hearing about your trip so much i was afraid you'd stop if i told you her big smile and barely audible oh gosh let me know i had won a new friend when someone starts telling you about an activity he has done a trip she has made a club he belongs to an interest she has anything that you share bite your tongue let the teller relish his or her own monologue relax and enjoy it too secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience then when the moment is right casually disclose your similarity and be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest technique number 27 kill the quick me too whenever you have something in common with someone the longer you wait to reveal it the more moved and impressed he or she will be you emerge as a confident big cat not a lonely little stray hungry for quick connection with a stranger ps don't wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you're being tricky 28 how to be a you firsty to gain their respect and affection sex now that i have your attention two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a four-square meal however big winners know there's a three-letter word more potent than sex to get people's attention that word is you why is you such a powerful word because when we were infants we thought we were the center of the universe nothing mattered but me myself and i the rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us which we later learned were other people existed solely for what they could do for us self-centered little tikes that we were our tiny brains translated every action every word into how does that affect me big winners know we haven't changed a bit adults camouflage their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness yet the human brain still immediately instinctively and unfailingly translates everything into terms of how does that affect me for example suppose gentlemen you want to ask a colleague jill if she would like to join you for dinner so you say to her there's a really good new indian restaurant in town will you join me there for dinner tonight before answering jill is thinking to herself by good does he mean the food or the atmosphere or both her reverie continues indian cuisine i'm not sure he says it's good however will i like it while thinking jill hesitates you probably take her hesitation personally and the joy of the exchange diminishes suppose instead you had said to her jill you will really love this new indian restaurant will you join me there this evening for dinner phrasing it that way you've already subliminally answered jill's questions and she's more apt to give you a quick yes the pleasure pain principle is a guiding force in life psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful for many people thinking is painful so big winners when they wish to control inspire be loved by sell to people or get them to go to dinner do the thinking for them they translate everything into the other person's terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word you thus i call the technique communication communicate when you want a favor putting you first gets a much better response especially when you're asking a favor because it pushes the asker's pride button suppose you want to take a long weekend you decide to ask your boss if you can take friday off which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively can i take friday off boss or this one boss can you do without me friday in the first case boss has to translate your can i take friday off into can i do without this employee friday that's an extra thought process and you know how some bosses hate to think however in the second case boss can you do without me friday you did boss's thinking for her your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for boss of course she said to herself i can manage without your help friday communicate your compliments communication also enriches your social conversation gentlemen say a lady likes your suit which woman gives you warmer feelings the woman who says i like your suit or the one who says you look great in that suit big players who make business presentations use communication to excellent advantage suppose you're giving a talk and a participant asks a question he likes to hear you say that's a good question however consider how much better he feels when you tell him you've asked a good question sales people don't just tell your prospects it's important that convince them by informing them you'll see the importance of when negotiating instead of the result will be let them know you'll see the result when you starting sentences with you even works when talking to strangers on the street once driving around san francisco hopelessly lost i asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get to the golden gate bridge i stopped a couple trudging up a hill excuse me i called out the window i can't find the golden gate bridge the pair looked at each other and shrugged with that how stupid can these tourists get look on their faces that direction the husband mumbled pointing straight ahead still lost i called out to the next couple i encountered excuse me where's the golden gate bridge without smiling they pointed in the opposite direction then i decided to try communication when i came upon the next strolling couple i called out the window excuse me could you tell me where the golden gate bridge is of course they said answering my question literally you see by phrasing the question that way it was a subtle challenge i was asking in essence are you able to give me directions this hits them in the pride button they walked over to my car and gave me explicit instructions hey i thought this you stuff really works to test my hypothesis i tried it a few more times i kept asking passersby my three forms of the question sure enough whenever i asked could you tell me where people were more pleasant and helpful than when i started the question with i or where i'm sure when they recover the flight box from the fall of man under a fig leaf in the garden of eden it will convince the world of the power of the word you eve did not ask adam to eat the apple she did not command him to eat the apple she didn't even say adam i want you to eat this apple she phrased it as all big winners would you will love this apple that's why he bit communication is a sign of sanity therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say i and me twelve times more often than residents of the outside world as patients conditions improve the number of times they use the personal pronouns also diminishes continuing up the sanity scale the fewer times you use i the more sane you seem to your listeners if you eavesdrop on big winners talking with each other you'll notice a lot more you than i in their conversation technique number 28 communication start every appropriate sentence with you it immediately grabs your listeners attention it gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into me terms when you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation your listeners find it an irresistible spice the next technique concerns a way big winners are silently you oriented 29. how to make them feel you don't smile at just anybody have you ever seen those low budget mail order fashion catalogs that use the same model throughout whether she is engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini her face sports the same plastic smile looking at her you get the feeling if you wrapped on her forehead a tiny voice would come back saying nobody's in here whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have mastered a myriad of different expressions a flirtatious i've got a secret smile on one page a quizzical i think i'd like to get to know you but i'm not sure smile on the next and a mysterious mona lisa smile on the third you feel there's a brain running the operation somewhere inside that beautiful head i once stood in the receiving line of the ship i worked on along with the captain his wife and several other officers one passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our line when he got to me he flashed a shimmering smile revealing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano i was transfixed it was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim ballroom i wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charming gentleman later then he was introduced to the next person out of the corner of my eye i saw his identical glistening grin a third person the same grin my interest began to dwindle when he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next person he started to resemble a cheshire cat by the time he was introduced to the fifth person his consistent smile felt like a strobe light disturbing the ambience of the ballroom strobe man went on flashing everybody the same smile down the line i had no further interest in talking with him why did this man's stock shoot high in my ticker one minute and plummet the next because his smile although charming reflected no special reaction to me obviously he gave the same smile to everybody and by that it lost all its specialness if strobe man had given each of us a slightly different smile he would have appeared sensitive and insightful of course if his smile had been just a tad bigger for me than for the others i couldn't have waited for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded ballroom review your repertoire of smiles if your job required you to carry a gun you would of course learn all about the moving parts before firing it and before taking aim you would carefully consider whether it would murder maim or merely wound your target since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target set aside five minutes lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn't think you've gone off the deep end now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles discover the subtle differences in your repertoire just as you would alternate saying hello how do you do and i am pleased to meet you when being introduced to a group of people very your smile don't use the same on each let each of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the recipient technique number 29 the exclusive smile if you flash everybody the same smile like a confederate dollar it loses value when meeting groups of people grace each with a distinct smile let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face if one person in a group is more important to you than the others reserve an especially big flooding smile just for him or her in defense of the quickie there are times i discovered when the quick put on smile works for example when you want to engineer the acquaintance of someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be introduced in the vernacular that's pick them up the smiles pick up power was proven for posterity by solemn researchers at the university of missouri they conducted a highly controlled study titled giving men the come on effect of eye contact and smiling in a bar environment i kid you not to prove their hypothesis female researchers made eye contact with unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local drinking establishment sometimes the female researchers followed their glance with a smile in other cases no smile the results i quote the study the highest approach behavior 60 percent was observed in the condition in which there was smiling that translates into layman's english the guy came over sixty percent of the time when the lady smiled without the smile he made the approach only twenty percent of the time so yes a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up however in situations where the stakes are higher try the flooding smile from the first section and now the exclusive smile thirty how to avoid sounding like a jerk you remember that scene from the movie classic annie hall where diane keaton is first meeting woody allen as she's chatting with him we hear her private thoughts she's musing to herself oh i hope he's not a jerk like all the others one of the quickest ways to make a big winner think you are well a jerk is to use a cliche if you're chatting with a top communicator and even innocently remark yes i was tired as a dog or she was cute as a button you've unknowingly laid a linguistic bomb big winners silently moan when they hear someone mow the trite overworn phrase oh sure just like the rest of us big winners find themselves feeling fit as a fiddle happy as a lark or high as a kite like the rest of humanity they consider some of their acquaintances crazy as a loon nutty as a fruitcake or blind as a bat because many of them work hard many of them are as busy as a bee and get rich as creases yet would any of them describe themselves in those words not in a coon's age why because when a big winner hears your cliche you might as well be saying my powers of imagination are impoverished i can't think of anything original to say so i must fall back on these trite overworn phrases mouthing a common cliche around uncommonly successful people brands you as uncommonly common technique number 30 don't touch a cliche with a 10-foot pole be on guard don't use any cliches when chatting with big winners don't even touch one with a 10-foot pole never not even when hell freezes over not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob instead of coughing up a cliche roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique 31. how to use motivational speakers techniques to enhance your conversation they say the pen is muddier than the sword it is but the tongue is even mightier than the pen our tongues can bring crowds to laughter to tears and often to their feet in shouting appreciation orators have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to god and what is their equipment the same eyes ears hands legs arms and vocal cords you and i have perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a professional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than the one we were doled out but the professional speaker starts out with the same equipment we all have the difference is these jaw smiths use it all they use their hands they use their bodies and they use specific gestures with heavy impact they think about the space they're talking in they employ many different tones of voice they invoke various expressions they vary the speed with which they speak and they make effective use of silence you may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon but chances are sometime probably very soon you're going to want people to see things your way whether it's persuading your family to spend their next vacation at grandma's or convincing the stockholders in your multi-million dollar corporation that it's time to do a takeover do it like a pro get a book or two on public speaking and learn some of the tricks of the trade then put some of that drama into your everyday conversation a gem for every occasion if stirring words help make your point ponder the impact of powerful phrases they've helped politicians get elected read my lips no new taxes and defendants get acquitted if it doesn't fit you must acquit if george h.w bush had said i promise not to raise taxes or johnny cochran during o.j simpson's criminal trial had said if the glove doesn't fit he must be innocent their bulky sentences would have slipped in and out of the voters or jurors consciousness as every politician and trial lawyer knows neat phrases make powerful weapons if you're not careful your enemies will later use them against you read my lips one of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named barry farber who brightens up late night radio with sparkling similes barry would never use a cliche like nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof he described being nervous about losing his job as i felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman he'd say my eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve when i first met him i asked mr farber how do you come up with these phrases my daddies mr farber i'm barry he chided his way of saying call me barry he then candidly admitted although some of his phrases are original many are borrowed elvis presley used to say my daddy's mr presley call me elvis like all professional speakers barry spends several hours a week leaning through books of quotations and humor all professional speakers do they collect bone mo they can use in a variety of situations most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unexpected happens many speakers use authors and speakers agent lilly walters face saver lines from her book what to say when you're dying on the platform if you tell a joke and no one laughs try that joke was designed to get a silent laugh and it worked if the microphone lets out an agonizing howl look at it and say i don't understand i brushed my teeth this morning if someone asks you a question you don't want to answer could you save that question until i'm finished and well on my way home all pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines you can do the same look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations instead of happy as a lark try happy as a lottery winner or happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone instead of bald as an eagle try bald as a new marine or bald as a bullfrog's belly instead of quiet as a mouse try quiet as an eel swimming in oil or quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster find phrases that have visual impact instead of a cliche like sure as death and taxes try as certain as beach traffic in july or as sure as your shadow will follow you your listeners can't see death or taxes but they sure can see beach traffic in july or their shadow following them down the street try to make your similes relate to the situation if you're riding in a taxi with someone as sure as that taxi meter will rise has immediate impact if you're talking with a man walking his dog as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree adds a touch of humor make them laugh make them laugh make them laugh humor enriches any conversation but not jokes starting with hey did you hear the one about plan your humor and make it relevant for example if you're going to a meeting on the budget look up money in a quotation book in an uptight business situation a little levity shows you're at ease once during an oppressive financial meeting i heard a top executive say don't worry this company has enough money to stay in business for years unless we pay our creditors he broke the tension and won the appreciation of all later i saw a similar quote in a humor book attributed to jackie mason the comedian so what the exact still came across as a cool communicator with his clever comment big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press will pick up a michigan veterinarian named timothy a heavy hitter in his own field but completely unknown outside of it made national headlines when he planned to attach a pair of feet to a rooster who lost his to frostbite why because he called it a drumstick transplant i don't know if a french woman jean coleman then officially the world's oldest person was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday but she made international headlines when she told the media i've only ever had one wrinkle and i'm sitting on it mark victor hansen a big player in his own field but once relatively unknown outside of it was propelled into national prominence when he came up with a catchy name for his book co-authored with jack canfield chicken soup for the soul he told me his original title was 101 pretty stories how far would that have gone soon the world was lapping up among others his chicken soup for the woman's soul chicken soup for the teenage soul chicken soup for the mother's soul chicken soup for the christian soul plus second third and fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover paperback audio video and calendars technique number 31 use jaw smith's jive whether you're standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family you'll move amuse and motivate with the same skills read speakers books to call quotations pull pearls of wisdom and get gems to tickle their funny bones find a few bone mo casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions if you want to be notable dream up a crazy quotable make them rhyme make them clever or make them funny above all make them relevant a word of warning no matter how good your material is it bombs if it doesn't fit the situation i learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days on a cruise to england i decided to give my passengers a reading of the english love poems of elizabeth barrett and robert browning you know how do i love thee let me count the ways it was a big hit the passengers loved it and raved for days i couldn't walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionately echoing how do i love thee naturally i got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied myself an eminent poetry reader i decided to reward the passengers on the next cruise which was a cruise to the caribbean and didn't go anywhere in the neighborhood of england with my spectacular reading of the english love poems what a bomb passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest of the cruise how did you bore me let me count the ways 32. how to banter like the big shots do big winners tell it like it is if you stepped into an elevator full of people speaking hungarian you might not recognize they were hungarian unless you spoke their language however the minute you opened your mouth they'd recognize you're not hungarian it's the same with the big cats if you overhear several of them speaking you might not recognize their big cats however the minute you opened your mouth they'd recognize you're not a big cat unless you spoke their lingo what are some differences between a big cat's growl and a little cat's insignificant hiss one of the most blatant is euphemisms big cats aren't afraid of real words they call a spade a spade words like toilet paper don't scare them little cats hide behind bathroom tissue if somebody is rich big cats call it rich little cats also embarrassed at the concept of talking about money and polite company substitute the word wealthy when little cats use a substitute word or euphemism they might as well be saying whoops you are better than i am i'm in polite company now and so i'll use the nicey nice word big cats are anatomically correct no cutesy words for body parts they'll say breasts when they mean breasts when they say knockers they mean decorative structures that hang on the front door and family jewels are in the safe on the wall if a big cat is ever in doubt about a word he or she simply resorts to french if they feel the word buttocks is debatable derriere will do quite nicely thank you technique number 32 call a spade a spade don't hide behind euphemisms call a spade a spade that doesn't mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five and six-letter ones exist they've simply learned the king's english and they speak it here's another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation 33 how to avoid the world's worst conversational habit once i was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertising agency lewis and his wife lillian the evening started with cocktails followed by a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines the conversation had been convivial the cuisine delicious and the wine very fine and very plentiful at the end of the evening lewis raised his glass to make a toast a few wine droplets sloshed out of his glass onto the tablecloth a pretty young woman who was the date of a new art director named bob giggled and said i can tell you're feeling no pain shock waves went around the table everyone froze the host was indeed a bit inebriated however alluding to lewis being a little looped even in chest was as though the woman had suddenly smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner plate one guest quickly covered the girl's horrifying calf by lifting her glass and saying none of us is no one in the company of lewis and lillian could ever feel any pain here's to a truly wonderful evening lewis then continued with his toast to the wonderful company and no one was feeling pain any longer except bob he knew his date's innocent teasing was a black mark if not in his personnel file on his personal file the next sure sign of a little cat hood is teasing little cats go around patting their friends punches and saying enjoying that cheesecake huh or looking at their balding heads and saying hey hair today gone tomorrow huh they think it's hilarious to make a quip at someone else's expense and say you don't have an inferiority complex you are inferior hardy har har technique number 33 trash the teasing a dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease an innocent joke at someone else's expense may get you a cheap laugh nevertheless the big cats will have the last one because you'll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws never ever make a joke at anyone else's expense you'll wind up paying for it dearly 34. how to give them the bad news and have them like you all the more in ancient egypt the pharaoh treated the humblest message runner like a prince when he arrived at the palace if he brought good news however if the exhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh on happy news his head was chopped off shades of that spirit pervade today's conversations once a friend and i packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for an outing as we waltzed happily out the door picnic basket in hand a smiling neighbor rocking away on his porch looked up at the sky and said oh boy bad day for a picnic the newscast says it's going to rain i wanted to rub his face in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich not for his gloomy weather report for his smile several months ago i was racing to catch a bus as i breathlessly shoved my hand full of cash across the greyhound counter the grinning sales agent gushed oh that bus left five minutes ago dreams of decapitation it's not the news that makes someone angry it's the unsympathetic attitude with which it's delivered everyone must give bad news from time to time and winning professionals do it with the proper attitude a doctor advising a patient she needs an operation does it with compassion a boss informing an employee he didn't get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor grief counselors at airports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentiment of relatives big winners know when delivering any bad news they should share the sentiment of the receiver unfortunately many people are not aware of this sensitivity when you're weary from a long flight has a hotel clerk cheerfully chirped that your room isn't ready yet when you had your heart set on the roast beef has your waiter merrily warbled that he just served the last piece when you needed cash for the weekend has your bank teller gleefully told you your account is overdrawn it makes you as a traveler diner or a depositor want to put your fist right through their insensitive grins had my neighbor told me of the impending rainstorm with sympathy i would have appreciated his warning at the greyhound sales clerk sympathetically informed me that my bus had already left i probably would have said oh that's all right i'll catch the next one big winners when they bear bad news deliver bombs with the emotion the bombarded person is sure to have technique number 34 it's the receiver's ball a football player wouldn't last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes a pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind before throwing out any news keep your receiver in mind then deliver it with a smile a sigh or a sob not according to how you feel about the news but how the receiver will take it big winners know how to give bad news to people they also know how to give any news to anyone even when people are pressuring them let's explore that next thirty five how to respond when you don't want to answer and wish they'd shut the heck up one of my clients barbara a mini star in the furniture business recently separated from her husband and business partner frank a mega star in the furniture business they suffered a long and messy divorce that resulted in them keeping the business jointly but not having to deal with each other soon after the divorce i was at an industry convention with barbara since she and frank were both beloved in the industry people were curious about what had happened and how it affected their company but of course no one dared ask outright and barbara was offering no explanations i was seated next to barbara at the gala farewell dinner apparently one of her colleagues at the table couldn't contain her curiosity any longer during dessert she leaned over to barbara and in a hushed voice asked barbara what happened with you and frank barbara unruffled by the rude question simply took a spoonful of her cherries jubilee and said we've separated but the company is unaffected not satisfied with that answer the woman pumped harder are you still working together barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in precisely the same tone of voice we've separated but the company is unaffected the frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily are you both still working in the company barbara appearing not the least disturbed by the woman's incontinent insistence scooped the last cherry out of her dish smiled looked directly at her and said in the identical tone of voice we've separated but the company is unaffected that shut her up barbara had shown her big winners badge by using the broken record technique the most effective way to curtail an unwelcome cross examination technique number 35 the broken record whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject simply repeat your original response use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice hearing it again usually quiets them down if your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech your next repetition never fails to flick them off thirty six how to talk to a celebrity suppose you've just settled in for dinner at a nice restaurant you look over at the next table and who do you see is it really he could it possibly be it's got to be a look-alike no it isn't it really is woody allen substitute any celebrity here your favorite movie star politician broadcaster boss who owns the company that owns the company you work for and there the celestial body is in the flesh sitting not ten feet from you what should you do nothing big shots don't slobber over stars let the luminary enjoy a brief moment of anonymity if he or she should cast a glance in your direction give a smile and a knot then waft your gaze back to your dining companion you will be a lot cooler in the eyes of your dinner partner if you take it all in your stride now if you just can't resist this once in a lifetime opportunity to press the flesh of the megastar and tell him or her of your admiration here's how to do it with grace wait until you or the luminary are leaving the restaurant after the check has been paid and you will obviously not be taking much of his or her time you may make your approach say something like mr allen i just want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have given me over the years thank you so much did you pick up the subtlety here you are not complimenting his work after all he might well ask himself who are you to judge whether i am a great filmmaker or not you can only speak from your own perspective you do this by telling him how much pleasure his work has given you if it's your boss's boss's boss's boss whom the fates have sent to bask in your adulation do the same do not say bill or mr gates you really run a great company lowly geek he thinks who are you to judge instead tell him what an honor it is to work for him obviously this is not the moment to detail the intricacies of your improvements on image editing software for digitizing photographs then let your body language express that if woody or bill or the other megastar wants to leave it at that you are happy with the exchange if however the mega star is captivated by you auras had so much liquid merriment that he or she has decided to mingle with the masses tonight then all bets are off you're on your own enjoy until you pick up the first body language sign that they would like to end it think of yourself as a ballroom dance student waltzing with your teacher he leads you follow and he tells you when the waltz is over incidentally if the mega star is with a companion and your conversation goes on for more than a few moments direct some comments at the companion if the satellite is in such stellar company he or she is probably also an accomplished person felicia a friend of mine is a talented trial lawyer who is married to a local tv show host because tom is on television people recognize him wherever they go and felicia gets ignored felicia tells me how frustrating it is even for tom whenever they go to a party people gush all over tom and felicia's fascinating work hardly ever gets mentioned she and tom used to love going out to dinner but now they hide out at home in the evenings why because they can't stand the interruptions of overly effervescent fans i love what you used to be you has been another sensitivity the film star is probably obsessed with his last film the politician with her last election a corporate mogul with his last takeover an author with her last novel and so forth so when discussing the stars the politicians the moguls the authors or any vips work try to keep your comments to current or recent work telling woody allen how much you loved his 1980 film stardust memories would not endear you to him what about all my wonderful films since thinks he stick to the present or very recent past if possible technique number 36 big shots don't slobber people who are vips in their own right don't slobber over celebrities when you are chatting with one don't compliment her work simply say how much pleasure or insight it's given you if you do single out any one of the star's accomplishments make sure it's a recent one not a memory that's getting yellow in her scrapbook if the queen bee has a drone sitting with her find a way to involve him in the conversation a final celebrity codicil suppose you are fortunate enough to have one at your party to shine some starlight on your party don't ask the tv host to say a few words don't ask the singer to sing a song what looks effortless to the rest of us because they seem so comfortable performing is work for them you wouldn't ask an accountant guest to look over your books or a dentist to check out your third left molar let the dignitary drink let the luminary laugh celebrities are people too and they like their time off 37 how to make them want to thank you to wrap up our section on sounding like the big boys and big girls here is a simple and gracious little maneuver it not only signals people you're a top communicator but it encourages them to keep doing nice things for you or complimenting you or doing business with you or loving you it is very short it is very sweet it is very simple you can use it with everyone in your life when it becomes instinctive you'll find yourself using it every day very simply never let the phrase thank you stand naked and alone always make it thank you for something people use the bear exposed thank you so often the people don't even hear it anymore when we buy the morning newspaper we flash a naked thank you at the vendor when he gives us our nickels change is that the same thank you you want to give a valued customer who makes a big purchase in your store or a loved one who cooks you a delicious dinner whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious acknowledgement dress up your thank you with the reason thank you for coming thank you for being so understanding thank you for waiting thank you for being such a good customer thank you for being so loving often when i disembark an airplane the captain and first officer are standing by the cockpit door to bid the passengers farewell i say thanks for getting us here admittedly that's carrying never the naked thank you technique to extremes but it has a surprising effect if all over themselves with oh thanks for flying with us technique number 37 never the naked thank you never let the phrase thank you stand alone from a to z always follow it with four from thank you for asking to thank you for zipping me up thank you for listening to this section of how to talk to anyone now let us move on to another conversation challenge how to talk knowledgeably with everyone from groups of accountants to zen buddhists no matter how little you might have in common part 4 how to be an insider in any crowd what are they all talking about has it ever happened to you everyone at the party is speaking gobbledygook they're all discussing faulty audits code constraints or the library market and you have no idea what they're talking about it's because everybody at the party is an accountant an architect or a publisher and you're not so you stand there with a pasty smile on your face not opening your mouth if you do you fear the wrong thing will come out paranoia sets in everybody will snicker at you you're an outsider so you suffer in silence in high school i suffered a massive case of silent outsider syndrome especially around males all they wanted to talk about was cars i knew nothing about cars the only time i'd ever set foot in a body shop was to get a suntan well one fateful day mama came home with a gift for me that transformed my teenage existence from shy to sociable it was a book on all the current model cars and their differences over and under the hood one reading and i became fluent in fords chevys and buicks i no longer hyperventilated when boys said words like carburetor alternator camshaft or exhaust manifold i didn't need to learn a lot just enough to ask the right questions to get the guys talking when i'd learned to speak car with the boys it worked wonders for my social life cut to today we grown-up boys and girls also have our favorite topics that usually involve our work or our hobbies when we're with people in our own field or who share our interests we open up like small town gossips even engineers who have a constant case of cat got their tongue start gabbing about greasy turbines and various projects when they're together to outsiders our conversation sounds like gobbledygook but we know precisely what it's about it's our own jobless or hobbitygook you fear you'll find yourself in a party of squash players when you're the type of person who'd rather be in court than on court don't panic hearing words like lobbing and hitting rails roll off the squash player's tongues so what if the only experience you've ever had with squash was the mashed acorn variety on your plate next to the turkey last thanksgiving all you need is the few techniques that follow just as anglers throw out a dragonfly to get the fish to bite all you have to do is throw out the right questions to get people to open up dale carnegie's adage show sincere interest and people will talk only go so far as they say in poker it takes jacks or better to open and in conversation it takes cursory knowledge or better about their field to get them to really open up you must have knowledgeable curiosity the kind that makes you sound like you're worth talking to in this section we explore techniques that are open sesames to get people gabbing with you like an insider 38 how to be a modern day renaissance man or woman whenever friends visit my hometown new york city i warned them never ask anyone riding in the subway for directions because i'll get mugged they fearfully ask no just because you'll never get where you're going most big apple subway riders know only two things about the subway where they get on and where they get off they know nothing about the rest of the system most people are like nyc strap hangers when it comes to their hobbies and interests they know their own pastimes but all the others are like unvisited stations my unmarried and wishing she weren't friend rita has a bad case of bowler's thumb every wednesday night she's bowling up a storm with her friends she is forever discussing her scores her averages and her high game another single and searching friend walter is into white water rafting he talks endlessly with his paddling friends about which rivers he's run which outfitters he's gone with and which class rapids he prefers thinking my two single friends might hit it off i introduced walter the paddler to rita the bowler and mention their respective passions oh you're a bowler said walter yes rita smiled merely awaiting more questions about her big bowling turn on walter was silent masking her disappointment rita said um leo tells me you're into water rafting alter smiled proudly awaiting further friendly interrogation on paddling uh that must be exciting isn't it dangerous was the best rita could do no it's not dangerous walter patronizingly responded to her typical outsider's question then the conversation died during the deafening silence i remember thinking if rita had run just one river if walter had bowled just one game their lives might be different now conversation could have flowed and who knows what else might have flowered go fly a kite the scramble therapy technique is salvation from such disappointing encounters it will transform you into a modern day renaissance man or woman who comfortably can discuss a variety of interests scramble therapy is quite simply scrambling up your life and participating in an activity you'd never think of indulging in just one out of every four weekends do something totally out of your pattern do you usually play tennis on weekends this weekend go hiking do you usually go hiking this weekend take a tennis lesson do you bowl leave that to your buddies this time instead go whitewater rafting oh you were planning on running some rapids like you do every warm weekend forget it go bowling go to a stamp exhibition go to a chess lecture go ballooning go bird watching go to a pool hall go kayaking go fly a kite why because it will give you conversational fodder for the rest of your life from that weekend on you'll sound like an insider with all the hikers stamp collectors ballooners birders billiards players kayakers and kitests you ever meet just by doing their activity once if you take a piece of blue litmus paper and dip it in a huge bat of acid the tip turns pink if you take another blue litmus paper and dip it into just one minuscule drop of acid on a glass slide the tip turns just as pink compare this to participating in an activity just one time a sampling gives you eighty percent of the conversational value you learn the insider's questions to ask you start using the right terms you'll never be at a loss again when the subject of extracurricular interests comes up which it always does do you speak scuba i'm not a certified scuba diver however six years ago in bermuda i saw a sign resort dives 25 no scuba experience necessary in just three hours i received the best crash course in talking with scuba divers the world offers first i was given a quick lesson in the pool then struggling to stay erect under the weight of my oxygen tank regulator buoyancy compensator and weight belt i went clumping out to the dive boat sitting there on the rocking dinghy fondling my mask and fins like worry beads i overheard the certified divers asking each other insider questions where were you certified where have you dived do you prefer wrecks or reefs ever done any night diving are you into underwater photography do you dive on a computer what's your longest bottom time did you ever get the benz this is scuba lingo i now speak scuba to this day whenever i meet divers i have the right questions to ask and subjects to discuss and the right ones to avoid like how much i like seafood that's like telling a cat lover how much you love tender barbecued kitten i can now ask my new friends which of the scuba hot spots they've been to cozumel cayman cancun then if i want to really show off i ask if they've been to truck lagoon in the far pacific the great barrier reef in australia or the red sea all the insider terms now roll comfortably off my tongue before my scramble therapy experience i'd be calling their beloved wrecks and reefs sunken ships and coral understandable words but not scuba words not insider words upon meeting a scuba diver i probably would have asked oh scuba diving that must be interesting um aren't you afraid of sharks not a good way to get off on the right fin with a diver think about it suppose at a dinner party the table conversation turns to scuba diving if you too had done your one time only dive you'd ask your diving dinner companion if he likes night diving or whether he prefers diving on wrecks or reefs he'll never believe it when you tell him the deepest water you've ever submerged yourself in is your own bathtub then you turn to the bungee jumper seated on your left and ask him do you prefer chest waist jumps or ankle jumps if the conversation then changes to tennis or martial arts or chess or coin collecting or even bird watching you can keep up and keep the conversation going what a guy what a gal technique number 38 scramble therapy once a month scramble your life do something you'd never dream of doing participate in a sport go to an exhibition hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience you get eighty percent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure thirty nine how to sound like you know all about their job or hobby even more insidious than hobby talk is job speak or jubilee i still harbor social nightmares of the evening i attended a party thrown by a couple who worked in computer database management as i walked in the door i overheard one chap saying to another when the domain relational calculus is restricted to safe expressions it's equivalent to the turpo relational that's all i stayed around for i knew i wasn't going to understand one bit or bite of conversation the rest of the evening it made me long for the days when a mouse meant the furry little fellow who loves cheese windows were the kind you bought drapes for and the web was something spiders trapped flies in i knew i was going to need some technical support if i was going to be compatible with this crowd i decided then and there to learn some of the opening questions database management types ask each other which i did now i can't wait for a second chance at that crowd because i'm armed with questions like what raid level are you using and what data warehousing product do you use all you need are a few insider opening questions to get you started with any group you ask questions listen to the responses and indulge in elementary on target conversation with them for a moment or two about their field then change the subject asap you don't want to fake you are more knowledgeable about their field than you really are it's all in the opening question a tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your opening serve how good a player you are is it going to be great playing with you or a real bore it's the same in communicating just from your verbal opening serve someone knows if it's going to be interesting talking with you about their life or interests or for example suppose i'm introduced to someone and the first words out of her mouth are oh you're a writer when are you going to write the great american novel yikes i know i'm talking with someone who is unfamiliar with my world we'll chat but i prefer to change the subject and soon my conversation partner if however my new acquaintance says oh you're a writer do you write fiction or non-fiction bingo now i know i'm with a person who knows about my world why because that is the first question all writers ask each other i enjoy talking to this inquisitor because i presume she has more insights into the writing world even if we quickly get off the subject of writing she has come across as a well informed individual every job every sport every interest has insider opening questions that everybody in the same field asks and it's dumb outsider questions that they never ask each other when an astronaut meets another astronaut he asks what missions have you been on never how do you go to the bathroom up there a dentist asks another dentist are you in general practice or do you have a specialty never heard any good pain jokes lately the good news is beginning jobless is an easy language you don't need to master buzz words only a few opening questions to make you sound like an insider then here's the fun part when you tell them you're not connected to their field they're all the more impressed what a knowledgeable person they say to themselves help everybody there will be an artist it's not hard to harvest good jobbletycook let's say you've been invited to a gallery opening where you'll be meeting many artists if you don't speak artists go through your rolodex to see if you have an artist friend or two aha you found one well sort of your friend sally attended art school you call her up and ask sally i know this sounds silly but i've been invited to an event where i'm bound to be talking with a lot of artists could you give me a few good questions to ask sally might find your query a tad unusual but your diligence should impress her maybe she'll say well ask artists what medium they work in medium you ask sure she'll tell you that's the insider's way to ask if they work with acrylics oil charcoal pen and so forth oh don't ask artists to describe their work she warns they feel theirs is a visual medium that can't be described oh and don't ask them if their work is in a gallery oh that could be a sore point instead ask is there any place i might see your work they'll love that because even if they're not represented by a gallery they can invite you to their studio to possibly buy their work technique number thirty-nine learn a little jobless big winners speak jabaldi cook as a second language what is jobbledygook it's the language of other professions why speak it it makes you sound like an insider how do you learn it you'll find no jobless discs in the language section of your bookstore but the lingo is easy to pick up simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you'll be with to teach you a few opening questions the words are few and the rewards are manifold that's all you need to get started two good opening art questions and a warning against the most asked dumb outsider question let's say you've given a great opening serve with the right question on their job you've slammed a swift ball dead center into their conversational court happily thinking there with an ace player they answer your question then they put a little spin on the ball and send it lobbing right back into your court and it's time for a follow-up question whoops what to do now if you don't want to come out of the bluffer's closet just yet you must master the next technique bearing their hot button 40. how to bear their hot button elementary doc talk my friend john a physician recently married a charming japanese woman yamika john told me the first time they were invited to a party to meet many of john's colleagues yamika was panic-stricken she wanted to make a good impression yet she was tense about talking to american doctors john was the only one she'd ever met and during their romance they didn't spend a whole lot of time discussing medicine john told her don't worry about it yami they all ask each other the same old questions when you meet them just ask what's your specialty and are you affiliated with a hospital then to get into deeper conversation he continued throw out questions like how's your relationship with your hospital or how's the current medical environment affecting you these are hot issues with doctors because everything's changing in health care john said yamiche delivered the lines verbatim she circulated the party asking the various doctors specialties and inquiring about their affiliations and relationships with their hospitals as a result she was the hit of the party many of john's colleagues later congratulated him on having found such a charming and insightful woman getting the real grabber it's not just doctors every profession has concerns that are all the buzz within the industry the rest of the world however knows little about these fixations for example independent booksellers constantly complain that big superstore chains are taking over the industry accountants lie awake nights worrying about liability insurance for faulty audits and dentists grind their teeth over osha and epa regulations oh us riders too we're always bellyaching about magazines not paying us for electronic rights to our precious words suppose some hapless soul were unlucky enough to find himself in a party of writers making conversation with these folks who seldom know what they think until they see what they say is no easy task for one who is accustomed to communicating in the spoken word however if before the party the non-writer had called just one writer acquaintance and asked about the burning issues he'd have had hot conversation with the wordsmiths all evening i call the technique bearing their hot button back to the art show you're about to attend you can't let sally hang up yet she's given you the two best opening questions for artists but don't let her go until you get the real conversational grabber ask her the hottest issues going on in the art world she might think a minute and then say well there's always art prices art prices you ask yes she explains for example in the 1980s the art world was very market driven prices went sky high because some investors and status seekers paid exorbitant amounts we feel that kind of took art away from the masses wow now you're really armed with some good insider art talk technique number 40 bearing their hot button before jumping blindly into a bevy of book binders or a drove of dentists find out what the hot issues are in their fields every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about ask your informant to bear the industry buzz then to heat the conversation up push those buttons see you at the big one while you're at it don't forget to grill your informant for special insider greetings to use when you're with their gang for example actresses cringe if they hear good luck before a show but they smile at well-wishers who say break a leg break a leg however is not appropriate for runners before a marathon that's the last thought they want to have the only thing they want to break is their personal record try have a personal best firefighters who work on shift seldom see each other except of course at the biggest blazes thus the firefighters greeting see ya at the big one once driving in a sleepy town you'd have to work at getting lost in i succeeded i was hopelessly turned around happily i spotted the firehouse and a couple of board firefighters lounging out front excuse me can you tell me the way back to route 50 i called out the window i could tell from their attitude they thought i was an idiot nevertheless they lethargically pointed me in the right direction as i drove off i called out thanks guys see you at the big one in the rear view mirror i saw huge smiles break out on their faces as they stood up in unison and waved goodbye the disoriented dizzy blonde driving off had won their respect with their insider salute 41. how to secretly learn about their lives let's say your paper carrier has just hurled the newspaper from his bike to your front door you pour a cup of coffee and get comfortable to catch up on what's happening in the world your world that is do you flip first to the international news the fashion section the sports page the entertainment section maybe the comics whichever section you usually flip to first tomorrow don't turn to any other section preferably one you hardly ever read why because it will familiarize you with other worlds so that you can soon discuss anything with anybody no matter how little you have in common how about the real estate section yawn maybe you don't find real estate especially engrossing however sooner or later you're going to find yourself with a group of people who are discussing properties deals and today's market scanning the real estate section just once every few weeks will keep you occurring with their conversation the advertising column maybe you think the world would be a far far better place without madison avenue but your bottom line won't be better off if you can't hold your own discussing matters with the marketing maven you've just contracted to advertise your company's widgets just a few peeks at the advertising news section and you'll soon be chatting about campaigns and creative people and doing print or tv instead of saying words you'll be saying copy instead of the agency you'll be banning about real insider terms like the shop using outsider words is one of the biggest giveaways that you are not in the know on the ship if a passenger asked any of my staff how long have you been working on the boat they'd squelch a groan cruise staffers proudly worked on a ship and the word boat revealed the passenger as a real land lover the right word can perform conversational miracles in the receiving line whenever passengers asked our laconic captain when did you first become a master or what was your first command he would hold up the entire line of people snaking around the ballroom waiting to shake his hand captain caffeiro would enthusiastically recount his naval history to the savvy enquirer who might have just learned the words master or command last week in the newspaper shipping notices if the passenger had simply said how long have you been a captain or what was your first boat he or she would have gotten the captain's usual italian gentleman's version of the bums rush soon you'll become addicted to the high that establishing rapport with so many people gives you all it takes is reading different sections of the newspaper pump their pulp for even more fuel then when you crave a bigger hit of insider lingo start reading trade journals those are the closed circulation magazines that go to members of various industries ask your friends in different jobs to lend you one so you'll have even more fuel for the conversational fire all industries have one or two you'll see big glossy rags with names like automotive news restaurant business pool and spa news trucking industry and even hogs today for people in the pig business excuse me they call themselves swine practitioners hey you never know when to make your next big sale it will help to speak pig any one issue will give you a sample of their lingo and inform you of the hottest issues in that field when it comes to people's hobbies and interests browse through magazines on running working out bicycling skiing swimming and surfing large magazine stores carry biker rags boxer rags bowler rags even bull riding rags you'll find thousands of special interest magazines published every month several years ago i got hooked on buying a different one each week it paid off quickly when a potential consulting client invited me to dinner at her home she had a beautiful garden and thanks to flower and garden magazine i could throw out insider terms like ornamentals annuals and perennials i could even keep up when the discussion turned to the advantages of growing from seeds or bulbs because i was so fluent in flower she invited me to take a longer walk with her to see her private back gardens as we strolled i gradually changed the subject from chrysanthemums to the consulting work i could do for her company who was leading whom down the garden path technique number 41 read their rags is your next big client a golfer runner swimmer surfer or skier are you attending a social function filled with accountants or zen buddhists or anything in between there are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest you can dish up more information than you'll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket have you read your latest copy of zoo news yet is the world getting smaller or are we getting bigger today's renaissance man or woman is comfortable and confident anywhere the next technique helps you be an insider wherever you find yourself on the planet and it saves you from fulfilling the world's fantasy of the ugly american 42 how to talk when you're in other countries say you're traveling abroad on business and you want to be a global insider what's the first thing on your to-do list get a passport and a phrase book right after all who wants to wander around rome not knowing how to ask for a restroom or be thirsty in kuala lumpur not knowing how to ask for a soda however there's something most of us forget to pack often with dire consequences a book on international customs a friend of mine a fellow speaker named geraldine was excited about her first speech in japan to be comfy on her long flight to tokyo she donned her favorite designer jeans and a casual jacket fourteen hours and six thousand seven hundred thirty seven miles later four impeccably dressed japanese gentlemen greeted her at narita airport smiling and bowing low they handed her their business cards with her carry-on bag in one hand jerry took their cards with the other she thanked them glanced briefly at the cards and packed them safely into her back pocket she then pulled one of her business cards out of her purse and sensitive to the fact that they might have difficulty pronouncing geraldine wrote her nickname jerry above her printed name the gentleman hovered over her card turning it over to examine it a few times before one of them put it in his briefcase when the five of them arrived at the hotel they invited jerry for tea in the lobby while sipping tea the gentleman presented her with a small gift which she eagerly opened one of jerry's most charming qualities is her instinctive warmth and effusiveness she was thrilled with the gift and in typical jerry style she squealed oh it's beautiful as she gave each of the gentlemen a little hug at this point the four japanese gentlemen stood up in unison like four frowning siamese twins and bowing only very slightly mumbled sayonara and promptly left poor jerry was flabbergasted what did she do wrong everything first the jeans even if you're coming off a bicycle in asia you do not meet clients casually dressed the second mistake was jerry's vulgar handling of their business cards in asia the business card is one of the most important protocol tools it is always presented and accepted reverently with both hands except in muslim asia where the left hand is considered unclean jerry then put their cards away much too quickly in asia people use business cards as a conversation starter you chat about each other's cards and work and do not put theirs away until they gently and respectfully place yours in safe keeping shoving it into her back jeans pocket was the ultimate disrespect jerry didn't discover her fourth gaff until she returned home one of her colleagues bill a seasoned business traveler analyzed the fiasco for her bill told her the reason the gentleman had turned geraldine's card over and over when she gave it to them at the airport was to find her name title and company printed in japanese on the other side the flip side of jerry's card was of course blank then fifth horror of horrors jerry should not have written on the card cards in asia are not exactly sacred but one should never deface them with messy handwriting the sad tale of jerry and the japanese gets worse bill broke the bad news to her she should not have opened the gift in front of her clients why because in a land where saving face is critical it would be embarrassing to discover the gift they gave was not as nice as the one they received yikes jerry hadn't even given them a gift gaff number seven jerry's little squeal when receiving the gift was also a boo-boo in asia the lower the tone of voice the higher the rank the final flub was of course giving the gentleman a thank you hug hugging highly revered in certain parts of the world is in japan absolutely unacceptable with a new client needless to say jerry has not been invited back to japan however she does have a gig coming up in el salvador this time she's smart she's studying up on the customs there happily she's finding she can hug to her heart's content however she shouldn't use her or anybody else's first name oh and she must not introduce herself as an american after all salvadorans are americans too the differences around the world go on and on whenever i travel i have to hit myself over the head and realize i'm not in the anything goes old usa i love to travel in jeans i'm an incurable hugger and i can't wait to see what's in a gift box anybody gives me however whenever i plan to leave uncle sam shores i check on foreign customs to see how much of myself i can be technique number 42 clear customs before putting one toe on foreign soil get a book on do's and taboos around the world before you shake hands give a gift make gestures or even compliment anyone's possessions check it out your gaff could gum up your entire gig there are some excellent books on international customs don't be like another hapless colleague of mine who almost blew a big business deal with a brazilian just before signing the contract he gave the okay sign with his thumb and forefinger little did he know he was telling his new business partner to go have intercourse with himself you never know until it's too late now we come to where being an insider shows immediate tangible and calculable rewards and where being an outsider really hurts right in your pocket or purse 43. how to talk them into getting the insider's price on practically anything you buy never underestimate human ingenuity when it comes to getting what you want many people expand the adage all's fair in love and war to all is fair in love war and buying what i want to get a table at a posh restaurant on a busy night using a celebrity name is an old ploy my favorite metra d told me he gets a lot of robert de niro's phoning in a reservation when their party of six or eight arrives he hears i'm so sorry rob wasn't feeling well this evening one woman frustrated when her fake celebrity name didn't work shouted at him look who the hell do i have to be to get a table i'll be anyone you want me to be goldie hawn steffi graf fergie just tell me some people try a last minute approach they simply walk up to the metro d at an overbooked restaurant point to any name on the reservation book and say that's us you'll witness the same cunning at overbooked hotels several months ago i was checking into a popular hotel for which fortunately i had a confirmed reservation a loud-mouthed man in front of me in line shouted at the desk clerk what do you mean no room i'm staying in this hotel tonight if you don't have a room i'm sleeping right here on the floor his temper tantrum was not working and i warn you he continued i sleep in the nude he got a room these crafty childish tactics are not recommended rather i suggest a more principled technique called bluffing for bargains it was born one afternoon sitting with an insurance broker mr carson he was trying to sell me a homeowner's policy of course i wanted the most coverage for the least cash carson was a smooth operator and he was patiently explaining to me in layman's terms the benefits of certain riders he was pushing just as he started discussing disasters like wars and hurricanes his phone rang with apologies he picked up the receiver it was one of his colleagues suddenly a metamorphosis took place before my eyes the sophisticated salesman became a palsy while the regular down-home kind of guy chatting it up with his old buddy about umbrellas i thought they were discussing the weather then the conversation turned to floaters i now assume they were talking about an eye problem it took a while for me to realize that umbrella policies and floaters were part of the insurance ease they were speaking a few minutes later carson said yeah okay so long buddy and put the phone down he cleared his throat and again transmogrified back into the formal sales agent patiently defining damages and deductibles to a naive client sitting there listening to baffle gab like subrogation and pro rada liability i began to ponder if carson's colleague who just called wanted to buy insurance he would have gotten a much better policy much cheaper in practically every industry vendors give two prices on goods or services one two insiders and one to you and me before i let myself get angry about this i thought it through is it unfair not really if the vendor doesn't have to spend time being salesman or psychologist answering the endless stream of novice questions he can afford to give his best price carson wouldn't have had to take 20 minutes explaining to his colleague as he did to me why if a tornado takes your house it's considered an act of god therefore you lose when knowledgeable associates buy products the vendor is happily reduced to nothing more than a purchasing agent for very little work he makes a small profit and is satisfied a little bit of knowledge goes a long way when you're buying something if you have insight into your real estate broker's bottom line he's more apt to give you the better price if you are facile with the insider words caterers and car salesmen use to pad their profits if you're savvy two techniques moving companies and mechanics use to build the unsuspecting if you are on the lookout for lawyers methods of fattening fees in short if you know the ropes you will not get ripped off you don't need to know a lot just a few insider terms the pro assumes since you are conversant in some esoteric industry terms you also know the best deal and rock bottom price no one put it better than my house painter iggy sure he told me you gotta know how to talk to a painter not me but a lot of them other guys they're gonna get whatever they can it's only human nature especially if you're a woman and you deal with them smart like i'm gonna tell you how their hair will stand on end they'll say to themselves hey this is no babe in the woods i better deal straight okay iggy how he said tell them guys look the walls need very little prepping you're not gonna have to spend much time scraping and spackling it's a clean job iggy told me these few sentences alone can save you hundreds of dollars why right away the painter knows you know the score and that the most time-consuming part for him is preparing the surface prepping in painter ease therefore it's his biggest markup item then iggy continued when you tell them there'll be no cutting in painting two colors next to each other your price goes down again be sure and tell them not to leave any holidays unpainted or sparsely painted spots and you get a more careful job i'm only sorry i don't have an iggy in every field to give me a crash course in how to deal how to deal when there's no iggy in your life here's how to get the best price and the best deal from anyone find your iggy informer if you have a friend in the business get the lingo from him if not instead of going straight to the vendor you want to buy from visit several others first talk with them learn a little lingo from each for instance suppose you want to buy a diamond instead of going right to your favorite jewelry shop and asking dumbbell diamond questions go to the competition make friends with the sales clerk and pick up a few gems of diamond d's you'll learn jewelers say stones not diamonds when you're talking about the top of the stone they say table the widest part is the girdle the bottom is the cutlet if the stone looks yellow don't say yellow say cape if you see flaws don't say flaws say inclusions or gluts if you still don't like the stone don't say i'd like to see something better say finer don't ask me why that's just the way the diamond crowd talks then when you've got your lingo down go to where you want to buy because you now speak diamond you get a much better price soon you'll be asking furriers where the skins were dressed moving companies for their icc performance record and lawyers the hourly rate of paralegals and associates then these folks like iggy the painter will say to themselves hey this is no babe in the woods i better deal straight technique number 43 bluffing for bargains the haggling skills used in ancient arab markets are alive and well in contemporary america for big ticket items your price is much lower when you know how to deal before every big purchase find several vendors a few to learn from and one to buy from armed with a few words of industry ease you're ready to head for the store where you're going to buy let us now delve deeper into the world of being an insider this time we explore how to give your conversation partner the sense that you share not only experiences but the heavy stuff you share beliefs and values in life part five how to sound like your peas in a pod why we're just alike if you squint your eyes and look up carefully at a flight of birds you'll see finches flying with finches swallows soaring with swallows and yellow birds winging it with yellow birds the avian apartheid escalates you'll never see a barn swallow with a bank swallow or even a yellow bird hanging out with a yellow finch somebody said it shorter birds of a feather flock together happily humans are smarter than birds in one respect at least we have brains capable of overcoming bias really smart human beings work together play together and break bread together does that mean their comfort level is high well that depends on the human being our purpose here is not to examine the absurdity of apartheid it is to leave no stone unturned in making sure people are completely comfortable doing business or pleasure with you it has been proven beyond a doubt people are most receptive to those they feel have the same values in life in one study individuals were first given a personality and beliefs test they were then paired off with a partner and told to go spend time together before meeting half the couples were told that they were very similar in beliefs to their partner the other half were told they were dissimilar neither statement was true however when quizzed afterward on how much they liked each other partners who believed they were similar liked each other a lot more than the couples who thought themselves to be dissimilar demonstrating we have a predisposition toward people we believe are just like us we are most comfortable giving our business and friendship to those we feel share our values and beliefs in life to that end i offer six techniques to create sensations of similarity with everyone you wish along with making more profound rapport with customers friends and associates using the following techniques develops a deeper understanding and empathy with people of all races and backgrounds it also opens doors that might otherwise be closed to you 44. how to make them feel you're of the same class just like the finch flaps its wings faster than the gliding eagle people of different backgrounds move differently for example westerners used to the wide open planes stand farther from each other easterners systematically sardined into subways and crowded buses stand closer asian americans make modest movements italian americans make massive ones at t time the finishing school set genuflex and gracefully lowers derrieres onto the sofa when the ladies reach for a cup they hold the saucer in one hand and the cup in the other pinky ever so slightly extended folks who never finished any manners school make a fanny dive in the middle of the sofa and clutch the cup with both hands is one right is the other wrong no however top communicators know when doing business with a derriere dipping pinky extender or a fanny plopping two-fisted mug grabber they darn well should do the same people feel comfortable around people who move just like they do i have a friend who travels the country giving an outrageous seminar called how to marry the rich genie was once in a las vegas casino when a television reporter asked if she could tell the real rich from the great pretenders of course genie answered all right challenge the reporter who is the wealthiest man in this room convened at the next table were three men in tailored suits hayward of mayfair london no doubt handmade shirts charvet of place vandom in paris no doubt and sipping scotch single malt laphroaig from the scottish island of isla no doubt the reporter naturally assumed genie would choose one of these likely candidates instead with the scrutiny of a hunting dog genie's eyes scanned the room like a trained basset hound she instinctively pointed a long red fingernail at a fellow in torn jeans at a corner table she murmured he's very rich flabbergasted the reporter asked genie how can you tell he moves like old money she said you see jeannie went on to explain there's moving like old money there's moving like new money and there's moving like no money genie could tell the unlikely chap in the corner was obviously sitting on big assets and all because of the way he moved technique number 44 be a copy class watch people look at the way they move small movements big movements fast slow jerky fluid old young classy trashy pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor is he a jazzy mover is she a balletic mover watch his or her body then imitate the style of movement that makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you they're buying you too if you're in sales copy not only your customers class but the class of your product as well i live in a section of new york city called soho which is a few blocks above the famous for being trashy canal street often clutching my purse tightly and dodging the crowds on canal street i'll pass a pickpocket turned salesman for the day he furtively looks around and flashes a greasy handkerchief at me with a piece of jewelry on it wanna buy a gold chain his nervous thief's demeanor alone could get him arrested now about sixty blocks uptown you'll find the fashionable and very expensive tiffany's jewelry store occasionally clutching my fantasies of being able to afford something therein i stroll through the huge gilt doors imagine one of the impeccably dressed sales professionals behind the beveled glass counters furtively looking around and saying to me wanna buy a diamond no sale match your personality to your product selling handmade suits a little decorum please selling jeans a little cool please selling sweatsuits a little sporty please and so on for whatever you're selling remember you are your customers buying experience therefore you are part of the product they're buying 45. how to make them feel that you're like family you ever been gabbing with a new acquaintance and after a few moments you've said to yourself this person and i think alike we're on the same wavelength it's a fabulous feeling almost like falling in love lovers call it chemistry new friends talk of instant rapport and business people say a meeting of mines yet it's the same magic that sudden sense of warmth and closeness that strange sensation of wow we were old friends at once when we were children making friends was easier most of the kids we met grew up in the same town and so they were on our wavelength then the years went by we grew older we moved away our backgrounds our experiences our goals our lifestyles became diverse thus we fell off each other's wavelengths wouldn't it be great to have a magic surfboard to help you hop right back on everybody's wavelength whenever you wanted here it is a linguistic device that gets you riding on high rapport with everyone you meet if you stand on a mountain cliff and shout hello across the valley your identical hello thunders back at you i call the technique echoing because like the mountain you echo your conversation partners precise words it all started across the ocean in many european countries you'll hear five ten or more languages within the language for example in italy the sicilians from the south speak a dialect that seems like gobbledygook to northern italians in an italian restaurant i once overheard a diner discover his waiter was also from udina a town in northeastern italy where they speak the friulano dialect the diner stood up and hugged the waiter like he was a long lost brother they started babbling in a tongue that left the other italian waiter shrugging in america we have dialects too we just aren't conscious of them in fact we have thousands of different words depending on our region our job our interests and our upbringing once when traveling across the country i tried to order a soda like a coke or seven up in a highway diner it took some explaining before the waitress understood i wanted what she called a pop perhaps because the english-speaking world is so large americans have a wider choice of words for the same old stuff than any language i've encountered family members find themselves speaking alike friends use the same words and associates in a company or members in a club talk alike everyone you meet will have his or her own language that subliminally distinguishes them from outsiders the words are all english but they vary from area to area industry to industry and even family to family the linguistic device that says we're on the same wavelength when you want to give someone the subliminal feeling you're just alike use their words not yours suppose you are selling a car to a young mother who tells you she is concerned about safety because she has a young toddler when explaining the safety features of the car use her word don't use whatever word you call your kids don't even say child protection lock which was in your sales manual tell your prospect no toddler can open the window because of the driver's control device even call it a toddler protection lock when mom hears toddler coming from your lips she feels you are family because that's how all her relatives refer to her little tyke suppose your prospect had said kid or infant fine echo any word she used well almost any word if she'd said my brat you might want to pass on echoing this time echoing at parties let's say you were at a party it's a huge bash with many different types of people you were first chatting with a lawyer who tells you her profession is often maligned when it comes your turn to speak say profession to if you say job it puts a subconscious barrier between you next you meet a construction worker who starts talking about his job now you're in trouble if you say well in my profession he'd think you were being hoity toity after the lawyer and the construction worker you talked to several freelancers first a model then a professional speaker finally a pop musician all three of these folks will use different words for their work the model brags about her bookings the professional speaker might say bookings but he is more apt to boast of his speaking engagements a pop musician might say yeah man i get a lot of gigs it's tough to memorize what they all call their work just keep your ears open and echo their word after they say it echoing goes beyond job names for example if you are chatting with a boat owner and you call his boat an it he labels you a real landlubber he reverently refers to his beloved boat of course as a she if you listen carefully you hear language subtleties you never dreamed existed would you believe using the wrong synonym for a seemingly uncomplicated word like have labels you and know nothing in somebody else's world for example cat lovers purr about having cats but horse people would say owning horses and fish folk don't own fish they talk about keeping fish hey no big deal but if you use the wrong word your conversation partner will assume correctly that you are a stranger in his or her hobby land the peril of not echoing sometimes you lose out by not echoing my friend phil and i were talking with several guests at a party one woman proudly told the group about the wonderful new ski chalet she had just purchased she was looking forward to inviting her friends up to her little chalet in the mountains that's wonderful said phil secretly hoping for an invitation where exactly is your cabin kerplunk there went phil's chances for an invitation to the ladies chalet i couldn't resist after the conversation i whispered to my friend phil why did you insult that woman by calling her chalet a cabin phil scratched his head and said what do you mean insult her cabin is a beautiful word my family has a cabin in cape cod and i grew up loving the word the associations the joy of a cabin in other words the connotations of cabin well fine phil the word cabin may be beautiful to you but obviously the skier preferred the word chalet professional echoing in today's sales environment customers expect sales people to be problem solvers not just vendors they feel you don't grasp their industry's problems if you don't speak their language i have a friend penny who sells office furniture people in publishing advertising broadcasting and a few lawyers are among her clients penny's sales manual says office furniture however she told me if she used the word office with all of her clients they'd assume she knew nothing about their respective industries she told me her client the purchasing officer in advertising talks about his advertising agency penny's publishing client says publishing house the lawyers talk about furniture for their firm and her radio clients use the word station instead of office hey penny says it's their salt mine they can call it whatever the heck they please and she added if i want to make the sale i'd better call it the same thing echoing is politically correct insurance here's a quiz you're talking with a pharmacist and you ask her how long have you worked at the drugstore what's wrong with that question give up it's the word drugstore pharmacists abhor the word because it conjures up many industry problems they're used to hearing it from outsiders but it's a tip-off that they are unaware of or insensitive to their professional problems they prefer pharmacy recently at a reception i introduced one of my friends susan as a daycare worker afterwards susan begged leo please do not call me a daycare worker we are child care workers whoops time and recent history quickly make certain terms archaic a group's intense preference for one word is not arbitrary certain jobs minorities and special interest groups often have a history the public is not sensitive to when that history has too much pain attached to it people invent another word that doesn't have bitter connotations i have a dear friend leslie who is in a wheelchair she says whenever anyone says the word handicapped she cringes leslie says it makes her feel less than whole we prefer you say person with a disability she then gave a moving explanation we people with disabilities are the same as every other able-bodied person we say a b she added abs go through life with all the same baggage we do we just carry one extra piece a disability it's simple it's effective to show respect and make people feel close to you echo their words it makes you a more sensitive communicator and keeps you out of trouble every time technique number 45 echoing echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop listen to the speaker's arbitrary choice of nouns verbs prepositions adjectives and echo them back hearing their words come out of your mouth create subliminal rapport it makes them feel you share their values their attitudes their interests their experiences this audiobook has been broken into multiple parts to make the download faster you have reached the end of a part but not the end of the complete book so please check your library for the next part of this audiobook audible hopes you have enjoyed this program and maybe even mispronounced it ouch the world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative more intelligent people with larger vocabularies get hired quicker promoted faster and listen to a whole lot more so big winners use rich full words but they never sound inappropriate the phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their conversation the words fit with the care that they choose their tie or their blouse big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points the startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about 50 words you don't need much to sound like a big winner a mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind acquiring this super vocabulary is easy you needn't pour over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible british accents you don't need to learn two dollar words that your grandmother if she heard would wash out of your mouth with soap all you need to do is think of a few tired overworked words you use every day words like smart nice pretty or good then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day examine your long list of alternatives for example if you turned the word smart you'll find dozens of synonyms some words are colorful and rich like ingenious resourceful adroit shrewd and many more run down the list and say each out loud which ones fit your personality which ones seem right for you try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary the next time you want to compliment someone say on being smart you'll be purring oh that's so clever of you my how resourceful that was ingenious or maybe how astute of you and now for men only gentlemen we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror as if you didn't know when i was in college it used to take me a full 15 minutes to fix myself up for a date every year since i've had to add a few minutes i'm now up to an hour and a half gussing myself up for an evening out gentlemen when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up for a night out or you pick a lady up for dinner what do you say if you make no comment except well are you ready to go how do you think that makes the lady feel my friend gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes me to dinner i met him about 12 years ago and i'll never forget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date he said leel you look great i adored his reaction i saw gary a month or so later on my doorstep again leel you look great the precise same words as the first time but i still appreciated it it's been 12 long years now that this gentleman and i have been friends i see him about once every two months and every darn time it's the same old comment leo you look great i think i'll show up one evening in a flannel night shirt and a mud pack on my face i swear gary will say leel you look great during my seminars to help men avoid gary's mistake i ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great then i bring up one woman and several men i ask each to pretend he is her husband she has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner i ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment darla one says you look elegant every woman in the room sighs darla says another taking her hand you look stunning every woman in the room swoons darla says the third putting her hand between his you look ravishing by now every woman in the room has gone limp pay attention men words work on us women more unisex suggestions suppose you've been at a party and it was wonderful don't tell the hosts it was wonderful everybody says that tell them it was a splendid party a superb party an extraordinary party hug the hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time a remarkable time a glorious time the first few times you say a word like glorious it may not roll comfortably off your tongue yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful hmm glorious doesn't have any more syllables than wonderful neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity use your new favorite words a few times and just like breaking in a new pair of shoes you'll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words technique number 26 your personal thesaurus look up some common words you use every day in a thesaurus then like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit if you like them start making permanent replacements remember only 50 words makes the difference between a rich creative vocabulary and an average middle of the road one substitute a word a day for two months and you'll be in the verbally elite 27 how to not sound anxious let them discover your similarity tigers prowl with tigers lions lurk with lions and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats similarity breeds attraction but in the human jungle big cats know a secret when you delay revealing your similarity or let them discover it it has much more punch above all you don't want to sound anxious to have rapport whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience instead of jumping in with a breathless hey me too i do that too or i know all about that let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it let her go on about the country club before you tell her you're a member too let him go on analyzing the golf swing of arnold palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats greg jack tiger and arnie let her tell you how many tennis games she's won before you just happen to mention your usta ranking several years ago i was telling a new acquaintance how much i love to ski he listened with interest as i indulged in a detailed travelogue of places i had skied i raved about the various resorts i analyzed the various conditions i discussed artificial versus natural snow it wasn't until near the end of my monologue that i finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied he replied yes i keep a little apartment in aspen cool if he had jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after i first told him how much i liked skiing i'd have been impressed mildly however waiting until the end of our conversation and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept an aspen ski pad made it unforgettable here's the technique i call kill the quick me too whenever people mention an activity or interest you share let them enjoy discussing their passion then when the time is right casually mention you share their interest oh i must have been boring you i waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out finally the moment presented itself at a convention a new contact began telling me about her recent trip to washington dc she had no idea that washington was where i grew up she told me all about the capital the washington monument the kennedy center and how she and her husband went bicycling in rock creek park momentarily i forgot i was keeping my mouth shut to practice my new technique i was genuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitors perspective i asked her where she stayed where she dined and if she had a chance to get into any of the beautiful maryland or virginia suburbs at one point obviously pleased by my interest in her trip she said you sound like you know a lot about washington yes i replied it's my hometown but i haven't been back there in ages your hometown she squealed my goodness why didn't you tell me i must have been boring you oh not at all i replied honestly i was enjoying hearing about your trip so much i was afraid you'd stop if i told you her big smile and barely audible oh gosh let me know i had won a new friend when someone starts telling you about an activity he has done a trip she has made a club he belongs to an interest she has anything that you share bite your tongue let the teller relish his or her own monologue relax and enjoy it too secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience then when the moment is right casually disclose your similarity and be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest technique number 27 kill the quick me too whenever you have something in common with someone the longer you wait to reveal it the more moved and impressed he or she will be you emerge as a confident big cat not a lonely little stray hungry for quick connection with a stranger ps don't wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you're being tricky 28. how to be a you firstie to gain their respect and affection now that i have your attention two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a four-square meal however big winners know there's a three-letter word more potent than sex to get people's attention that word is you why is you such a powerful word because when we were infants we thought we were the center of the universe nothing mattered but me myself and i the rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us which we later learned were other people existed solely for what they could do for us self-centered little tikes that we were our tiny brains translated every action every word into how does that affect me big winners know we haven't changed a bit adults camouflage their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness yet the human brain still immediately instinctively and unfailingly translates everything into terms of how does that affect me for example suppose gentlemen you want to ask a colleague jill if she would like to join you for dinner so you say to her there's a really good new indian restaurant in town will you join me there for dinner tonight before answering jill is thinking to herself by good does he mean the food or the atmosphere or both her reverie continues indian cuisine i'm not sure he says it's good however will i like it while thinking jill hesitates you probably take her hesitation personally and the joy of the exchange diminishes suppose instead you had said to her jill you will really love this new indian restaurant will you join me there this evening for dinner phrasing it that way you've already subliminally answered jill's questions and she's more apt to give you a quick yes the pleasure pain principle is a guiding force in life psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful for many people thinking is painful so big winners when they wish to control inspire be loved by sell to people or get them to go to dinner do the thinking for them they translate everything into the other person's terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word you thus i call the technique communication communicate when you want a favor putting you first gets a much better response especially when you are asking a favor because it pushes the asker's pride button suppose you want to take a long weekend you decide to ask your boss if you can take friday off which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively can i take friday off boss or this one boss can you do without me friday in the first case boss has to translate your can i take friday off into can i do without this employee friday that's an extra thought process and you know how some bosses hate to think however in the second case boss can you do without me friday you did boss's thinking for her your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for boss of course she said to herself i can manage without your help friday communicate your compliments communication also enriches your social conversation gentlemen say a lady likes your suit which woman gives you warmer feelings the woman who says i like your suit or the one who says you look great in that suit big players who make business presentations use communication to excellent advantage suppose you're giving a talk and a participant asks a question he likes to hear you say that's a good question however consider how much better he feels when you tell him you've asked a good question sales people don't just tell your prospects it's important that convince them by informing them you'll see the importance of when negotiating instead of the result will be let them know you'll see the result when you starting sentences with you even works when talking to strangers on the street once driving around san francisco hopelessly lost i asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get to the golden gate bridge i stopped a couple trudging up a hill excuse me i called out the window i can't find the golden gate bridge the pair looked at each other and shrugged with that how stupid can these tourists get look on their faces that direction the husband mumbled pointing straight ahead still lost i called out to the next couple i encountered excuse me where's the golden gate bridge without smiling they pointed in the opposite direction then i decided to try communication when i came upon the next strolling couple i called out the window excuse me could you tell me where the golden gate bridge is of course they said answering my question literally you see by phrasing the question that way it was a subtle challenge i was asking in essence are you able to give me directions this hits them in the pride button they walked over to my car and gave me explicit instructions hey i thought this you stuff really works to test my hypothesis i tried it a few more times i kept asking passers-by my three forms of the question sure enough whenever i asked could you tell me where people were more pleasant and helpful than when i started the question with i or where i'm sure when they recover the flight box from the fall of man under a fig leaf in the garden of eden it will convince the world of the power of the word you eve did not ask adam to eat the apple she did not command him to eat the apple she didn't even say adam i want you to eat this apple she phrased it as all big winners would you will love this apple that's why he bit communication is a sign of sanity therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say i and me twelve times more often than residents of the outside world as patients conditions improve the number of times they use the personal pronouns also diminishes continuing up the sanity scale the fewer times you use i the more sane you seem to your listeners if you eavesdrop on big winners talking with each other you'll notice a lot more you than i in their conversation technique number 28 communication start every appropriate sentence with you it immediately grabs your listeners attention it gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into me terms when you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation your listeners find it an irresistible spice the next technique concerns a way big winners are silently you oriented 29 how to make them feel you don't smile at just anybody have you ever seen those low budget mail order fashion catalogs that use the same model throughout whether she is engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini her face sports the same plastic smile looking at her you get the feeling if you wrapped on her forehead a tiny voice would come back saying nobody's in here whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have mastered a myriad of different expressions a flirtatious i've got a secret smile on one page a quizzical i think i'd like to get to know you but i'm not sure smile on the next and a mysterious mona lisa smile on the third you feel there's a brain running the operation somewhere inside that beautiful head i once stood in the receiving line of the ship i worked on along with the captain his wife and several other officers one passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our line when he got to me he flashed a shimmering smile revealing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano i was transfixed it was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim ballroom i wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charming gentleman later then he was introduced to the next person out of the corner of my eye i saw his identical glistening grin a third person the same grin my interest began to dwindle when he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next person he started to resemble a cheshire cat by the time he was introduced to the fifth person his consistent smile felt like a strobe light disturbing the ambience of the ballroom strobe man went on flashing everybody the same smile down the line i had no further interest in talking with him why did this man's stock shoot high in my ticker one minute and plummet the next because his smile although charming reflected no special reaction to me obviously he gave the same smile to everybody and by that it lost all its specialness if strobe man had given each of us a slightly different smile he would have appeared sensitive and insightful of course if his smile had been just a tad bigger for me than for the others i couldn't have waited for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded ballroom review your repertoire of smiles if your job required you to carry a gun you would of course learn all about the moving parts before firing it and before taking aim you would carefully consider whether it would murder maim or merely wound your target since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target set aside five minutes lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn't think you've gone off the deep end now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles discover the subtle differences in your repertoire just as you would alternate saying hello how do you do and i am pleased to meet you when being introduced to a group of people very your smile don't use the same on each let each of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the recipient technique number 29 the exclusive smile if you flash everybody the same smile like a confederate dollar it loses value when meeting groups of people grace each with a distinct smile let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face if one person in a group is more important to you than the others reserve an especially big flooding smile just for him or her in defense of the quickie there are times i discovered when the quick put on smile works for example when you want to engineer the acquaintance of someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be introduced in the vernacular that's pick them up the smiles pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn researchers at the university of missouri they conducted a highly controlled study titled giving men the come on effect of eye contact and smiling in a bar environment i kid you not to prove their hypothesis female researchers made eye contact with unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local drinking establishment sometimes the female researchers followed their glance with a smile in other cases no smile the results i quote the study the highest approach behavior 60 was observed in the condition in which there was smiling that translates into layman's english the guy came over sixty percent of the time when the lady smiled without the smile he made the approach only twenty percent of the time so yes a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up however in situations where the stakes are higher try the flooding smile from the first section and now the exclusive smile thirty how to avoid sounding like a jerk do you remember that scene from the movie classic annie hall where diane keaton is first meeting woody allen as she's chatting with him we hear her private thoughts she's musing to herself oh i hope he's not a jerk like all the others one of the quickest ways to make a big winner think you are well a jerk is to use a cliche if you're chatting with a top communicator and even innocently remark yes i was tired as a dog or she was cute as a button you've unknowingly laid a linguistic bomb big winners silently moan when they hear someone mow the trite overworn phrase oh sure just like the rest of us big winners find themselves feeling fit as a fiddle happy as a lark or high as a kite like the rest of humanity they consider some of their acquaintances crazy as a loon nutty as a fruitcake or blind as a bat because many of them work hard many of them are as busy as a bee and get rich as crisis yet would any of them describe themselves in those words not in a coons age why because when a big winner hears your cliche you might as well be saying my powers of imagination are impoverished i can't think of anything original to say so i must fall back on these trite overworn phrases mouthing a common cliche around uncommonly successful people brands you as uncommonly common technique number 30 don't touch a cliche with a 10-foot pole be on guard don't use any cliches when chatting with big winners don't even touch one with a 10-foot pole never not even when hell freezes over not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob instead of coughing up a cliche roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique 31 how to use motivational speakers techniques to enhance your conversation they say the pen is muddier than the sword it is but the tongue is even mightier than the pen our tongues can bring crowds to laughter to tears and often to their feet in shouting appreciation orders have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to god and what is their equipment the same eyes ears hands legs arms and vocal cords you and i have perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a professional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than the one we were doled out but the professional speaker starts out with the same equipment we all have the difference is these jawsmiths use it all they use their hands they use their bodies and they use specific gestures with heavy impact they think about the space they're talking in they employ many different tones of voice they invoke various expressions they vary the speed with which they speak and they make effective use of silence you may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon but chances are sometime probably very soon you're going to want people to see things your way whether it's persuading your family to spend their next vacation at grandma's or convincing the stockholders in your multi-million dollar corporation that it's time to do a takeover do it like a pro get a book or two on public speaking and learn some of the tricks of the trade then put some of that drama into your everyday conversation a gem for every occasion stirring words help make your point ponder the impact of powerful phrases they've helped politicians get elected read my lips no new taxes and defendants get acquitted if it doesn't fit you must acquit if george h w bush had said i promise not to raise taxes or johnny cochran during o.j simpson's criminal trial had said if the glove doesn't fit he must be innocent their bulky sentences would have slipped in and out of the voters or jurors consciousness as every politician and trial lawyer knows neat phrases make powerful weapons if you're not careful your enemies will later use them against you read my lips one of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named barry farber who brightens up late night radio with sparkling similes barry would never use a cliche like nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof he described being nervous about losing his job as i felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman he'd say my eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve when i first met him i asked mr farber how do you come up with these phrases my daddy's mr farber i'm barry he chided his way of saying call me barry he then candidly admitted although some of his phrases are original many are borrowed elvis presley used to say my daddy's mr presley call me elvis like all professional speakers barry spends several hours a week cleaning through books of quotations and humor all professional speakers do they collect bone mo they can use in a variety of situations most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unexpected happens many speakers use authors and speakers agent lilly walters face saver lines from her book what to say when you're dying on the platform if you tell a joke and no one laughs try that joke was designed to get a silent laugh and it worked if the microphone lets out an agonizing howl look at it and say i don't understand i brushed my teeth this morning if someone asks you a question you don't want to answer could you save that question until i'm finished and well on my way home all pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines you can do the same look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations instead of happy as a lark try happy as a lottery winner or happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone instead of bald as an eagle try bald as a new marine or bald as a bullfrog's belly instead of quiet as a mouse try quiet as an eel swimming in oil or quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster find phrases that have visual impact instead of a cliche like sure as death and taxes try as certain as beach traffic in july or as sure as your shadow will follow you your listeners can't see death or taxes but they sure can see beach traffic in july or their shadow following them down the street try to make your similes relate to the situation if you're riding in a taxi with someone as sure as that taxi meter will rise has immediate impact if you're talking with a man walking his dog as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree adds a touch of humor make them laugh make them laugh make them laugh humor enriches any conversation but not jokes starting with hey did you hear the one about plan your humor and make it relevant for example if you're going to a meeting on the budget look up money in a quotation book in an uptight business situation a little levity shows you're at ease once during an oppressive financial meeting i heard a top executive say don't worry this company has enough money to stay in business for years unless we pay our creditors he broke the tension and won the appreciation of all later i saw a similar quote in a humor book attributed to jackie mason the comedian so what the exact still came across as a cool communicator with his clever comment big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press will pick up a michigan veterinarian named timothy a heavy hitter in his own field but completely unknown outside of it made national headlines when he planned to attach a pair of feet to a rooster who lost his to frostbite why because he called it a drumstick transplant i don't know if a french woman jean coleman then officially the world's oldest person was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday but she made international headlines when she told the media i've only ever had one wrinkle and i'm sitting on it mark victor hansen a big player in his own field but once relatively unknown outside of it was propelled into national prominence when he came up with a catchy name for his book co-authored with jack canfield chicken soup for the soul he told me his original title was 101 pretty stories how far would that have gone soon the world was lapping up among others his chicken soup for the woman's soul chicken soup for the teenage soul chicken soup for the mother's soul chicken soup for the christian soul plus second third and fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover paperback audio video and calendars technique number 31 use jaw smith's jive whether you're standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family you'll move amuse and motivate with the same skills read speakers books to call quotations pull pearls of wisdom and get gems to tickle their funny bones find a few bone mo to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions if you want to be notable dream up a crazy quotable make them rhyme make them clever or make them funny above all make them relevant a word of warning no matter how good your material is it bombs if it doesn't fit the situation i learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days on a cruise to england i decided to give my passengers a reading of the english love poems of elizabeth barrett and robert browning you know how do i love thee let me count the ways it was a big hit the passengers loved it and raved for days i couldn't walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionately echoing how do i love thee naturally i got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied myself an eminent poetry reader i decided to reward the passengers on the next cruise which was a cruise to the caribbean and didn't go anywhere in the neighborhood of england with my spectacular reading of the english love poems what a bomb passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest of the cruise how did you bore me let me count the ways 32 how to banter like the big shots do big winners tell it like it is if you stepped into an elevator full of people speaking hungarian you might not recognize they were hungarian unless you spoke their language however the minute you opened your mouth they'd recognize you're not hungarian it's the same with the big cats if you overhear several of them speaking you might not recognize their big cats however the minute you opened your mouth they'd recognize you're not a big cat unless you spoke their lingo what are some differences between a big cat's growl and a little cat's insignificant hiss one of the most blatant is euphemisms big cats aren't afraid of real words they call a spade a spade words like toilet paper don't scare them little cats hide behind bathroom tissue if somebody is rich big cats call it rich little cats also embarrassed at the concept of talking about money in polite company substitute the word wealthy when little cats use a substitute word or euphemism they might as well be saying whoops you are better than i am i'm in polite company now and so i'll use the nicey nice word big cats are anatomically correct no cutesy words for body parts they'll say breasts when they mean breasts when they say knockers they mean decorative structures that hang on the front door and family jewels are in the safe on the wall if a big cat is ever in doubt about a word he or she simply resorts to french if they feel the word buttocks is debatable derriere will do quite nicely thank you technique number 32 call a spade a spade don't hide behind euphemisms call a spade a spade that doesn't mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five and six-letter ones exist they've simply learned the king's english and they speak it here's another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation 33 how to avoid the world's worst conversational habit once i was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertising agency lewis and his wife lillian the evening started with cocktails followed by a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines the conversation had been convivial the cuisine delicious and the wine very fine and very plentiful at the end of the evening lewis raised his glass to make a toast a few wine droplets sloshed out of his glass onto the tablecloth a pretty young woman who was the date of a new art director named bob giggled and said i can tell you're feeling no pain shock waves went around the table everyone froze the host was indeed a bit inebriated however alluding to lewis being a little looped even in chest was as though the woman had suddenly smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner plate one guest quickly covered the girl's horrifying calf by lifting her glass and saying none of us is no one in the company of lewis and lillian could ever feel any pain here's to a truly wonderful evening lewis then continued with his toast to the wonderful company and no one was feeling pain any longer except bob he knew his date's innocent teasing was a black mark if not in his personnel file on his personal file the next sure sign of a little cat hood is teasing little cats go around patting their friends punches and saying enjoying that cheesecake huh or looking at their balding heads and saying hey hair today gone tomorrow huh they think it's hilarious to make a quip at someone else's expense and say you don't have an inferiority complex you are inferior hardy har har technique number 33 trash the teasing a dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease an innocent joke at someone else's expense may get you a cheap laugh nevertheless the big cats will have the last one because you'll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws never ever make a joke at anyone else's expense you'll wind up paying for it dearly 34. how to give them the bad news and have them like you all the more in ancient egypt the pharaoh treated the humblest message runner like a prince when he arrived at the palace if he brought good news however if the exhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh on happy news his head was chopped off shades of that spirit pervade today's conversations once a friend and i packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for an outing as we waltzed happily out the door picnic basket in hand a smiling neighbor rocking away on his porch looked up at the sky and said oh boy bad day for a picnic the newscast says it's gonna rain i wanted to rub his face in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich not for his gloomy weather report for his smile several months ago i was racing to catch a bus as i breathlessly shoved my hand full of cash across the greyhound counter the grinning sales agent gushed oh that bus left five minutes ago dreams of decapitation it's not the news that makes someone angry it's the unsympathetic attitude with which it's delivered everyone must give bad news from time to time and winning professionals do it with the proper attitude a doctor advising a patient she needs an operation does it with compassion a boss informing an employee he didn't get the job takes on a sympathetic this is audible [Music] brilliance audio presents the unabridged recording of how to talk to anyone 92 little tricks for big success in relationships by leo lones performed by joyce bean introduction read by the author there are two kinds of people in this life those who walk into a room and say well here i am and those who walk in and say ah there you are introduction how to get anything you want from anybody well at least have the best crack at it have you ever admired those successful people who seem to have it all you see them chatting confidently at business meetings or comfortably at social parties they're the ones with the best jobs the nicest spouses the finest friends the biggest bank accounts or the most fashionable zip codes but wait a minute a lot of them aren't smarter than you they're not more educated than you they're not even better looking so what is it some people suspect they inherited it others say they married it or were just plain lucky tell them to think again what it boils down to is their more skillful way of dealing with fellow human beings you see nobody gets to the top alone over the years people who seem to have it all have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them rung by rung to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose wannabes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and growls that the big boys and big girls at the top are snobs when big players don't give them their friendship love or business they call them cliquish or accuse them of belonging to an old boy network some grumbled that they hit their heads against a glass ceiling the complaining little leaguers never realized the rejection was their own fault they'll never know they blew the affair the friendship or the deal because of their own communications fumbles it's as though well-liked people have a bag of tricks a magic or a midas touch that turns everything they do into success what's in their bag of tricks you'll find a lot of things a substance that solidifies friendship a wizardry that wins minds and a magic that makes people fall in love with them they also possess a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote a characteristic that keeps clients coming back and an asset that makes customers buy from them and not the competition we all have a few of those tricks in our bags some more than others those with a whole lot of them are big winners in life how to talk to anyone gives you 92 of these little tricks that they use every day so you too can play the game to perfection and get whatever you want in life how the little tricks were unveiled many years ago a drama teacher exasperated at my bad acting in a college place shouted no no your body is belonging your words every tiny movement every body position he held divulges your private thoughts your face can make seven thousand different expressions and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment then he said something i'll never forget and your body the way you move is your autobiography in motion how right he was on the stage of real life every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life dogs hear sounds our ears can't detect bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes and people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel every smile every frown every syllable you utter or every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips can draw others toward you or make them want to run away men did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal women did your women's intuition make you accept or reject and offer on a conscious level we may not be aware of what the hunch is but like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat the elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real imagine please two humans in a complex box wired with circuits to record all the signals flowing between the two as many as ten thousand units of information flow per second probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adult population of the united states would be required to sort the units in one hour's interaction between two subjects a university of pennsylvania communications authority estimates with the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth between two human beings can we come up with concrete techniques to make our every communication clear confident credible and charismatic determined to find the answer i read practically every book written on communication skills on charisma and chemistry between people i explored hundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to find the formula for example optimistic chinese researchers hoping charisma might be in the diet went so far as to compare the relationship of personality type to the catecholamine level in subjects urine needless to say their thesis was soon shelved bill carnegie was great for the 20th century but this is the 21st most studies simply confirm dale carnegie's 1936 classic how to win friends and influence people his wisdom for the ages said success lay in smiling showing interest in other people and making them feel good about themselves that's no surprise i thought it's as true today as it was more than 70 years ago so if dale carnegie and hundreds of others since have offered the same astute advice why do we need another book telling us how to win friends and influence people two mammoth reasons reason one suppose a sage told you when in china speak chinese but gave you no language lessons bill carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage they tell us what to do but not how to do it in today's sophisticated world it's not enough to say smile or give sincere compliments cynical business people today see more subtleties in your smile more complexities in your compliment accomplished or attractive people are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them prospects are tired of sales people who say oh that suit looks great on you when their fingers are caressing cash register keys women are wary of suitors saying you are beautiful when the bedroom door is in view reason 2 the world is a very different place than it was in 1936 and we need a new formula for success to find it i observed the superstars of today i explored the techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale speakers to convince clergy to convert performers to engross sex symbols to seduce and athletes to win i found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success then i broke them down into easily digestible news you can use techniques i gave each a name that will quickly come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conundrum as i developed the techniques i began sharing them with audiences around the country participants in my communication seminars gave me their ideas my clients many of them ceos of fortune 500 companies enthusiastically offered their observations when i was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders i analyzed their body language and their facial expressions i listened carefully to their casual conversations their timing and their choice of words i watched as they dealt with their families friends associates and adversaries every time i detected a little nip of magic in there communicating i asked them to plug it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness we analyzed it together and then i turned it into an easy to do little trick others could duplicate and profit from my findings and the strokes of some of those very effective folks are in this book some are subtle some are surprising but all are achievable when you master them everyone from new acquaintances to family friends and business associates will happily open their hearts homes companies and even wallets to give you whatever they can there's a bonus as you sail through life with your new communication skills you will look back and see some very happy givers smiling in your wake part 1 how to intrigue everyone without saying a word you only have 10 seconds to show you're a somebody the exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency the first side of you is a brilliant holograph it burns its way into your new acquaintance's eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever artists are sometimes able to capture this quick silver fleeting emotional response my friend robert grossman is an accomplished caricature artist who draws regularly for forbes newsweek sports illustrated rolling stone and other popular publications bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects but for zeroing in on the essence of their personalities the bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad one glance at his caricatures of famous people and you can actually see their personalities sometimes at a party bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of a guest hovering over bob's shoulder the onlookers gasp as they watch their friends image and essence materialize before their eyes when he's finished drawing he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject often a puzzled look comes over the subject's face he or she usually mumbles some politeness like well that's great but it really isn't me the crowds convincing crescendo of oh yes it is drowns the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt the confused subject is left to stare back at the world's view of himself or herself in the napkin once when i was visiting bob's studio i asked him how he could capture people's personalities so well he said it's simple i just look at them no i asked how do you capture their personalities don't you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle their history no i told you leo just look at them huh he went on to explain almost every facet of people's personalities is evident from their appearance their posture the way they move for instance he said calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures of political figures see bob said pointing to angles on various presidential body parts here's the boyishness of clinton showing me his half-smile the awkwardness of the elder george bush pointing to his shoulder angle the charm of reagan noting the ex-president's smiling eyes the shiftiness of nixon pointing to the furtive tilt of his head digging a little deeper into his file he pulled out franklin delano roosevelt and pointing to the nose high in the air here's the pride of fdr it's all in the face and the body first impressions are indelible why because in our fast-paced information overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every second people's heads are spinning they must form quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do so whenever people meet you they take an instant mental snapshot that image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time your body shrieks before your lips can speak are there data accurate amazingly enough yes even before your lips part and the first syllable escapes the essence of you has already axed its way into their brains the way you look and the way you move is more than eighty percent of someone's first impression of you not one word need be spoken i've lived and worked in countries where i didn't speak the native language yet without one understandable syllable spoken between us the years proved my first impressions were on target whenever i met new colleagues i could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me how confident they were and approximately how much stature they had in the company i could sense just from seeing them move who the heavyweights were and who were the welterweights i have no extra sensory skill you'd know too how because before you have had time to process a rational thought you get a sixth sense about someone studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the brain is at time to register what's causing their reaction thus the moment someone looks at you he or she experiences a massive hit the impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship bob told me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures deciding to pursue my own agenda for how to talk to anyone i asked bob if you wanted to portray somebody really cool you know intelligent strong charismatic principled fascinating caring interested in other people easy bob interrupted he knew precisely what i was getting at just give him great posture a heads up look a confident smile and a direct gaze it's the ideal image for somebody who's a somebody to look like a somebody my friend karen is a highly respected professional in the home furnishings business her husband is an equally big name in the communications field they have two small sons whenever karen is at a home furnishings industry event everyone pays deference to her she's a very important person in that world her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and they hope be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like home furnishings executive and furniture world yet karen complains when she accompanies her husband to communications functions she might as well be a nobody when she takes her kids to school functions she's just another mom she once asked me leo how can i stand out from the crowd so people who don't know me will approach me and at least assume i'm an interesting person the techniques in this section accomplish precisely that when you use the next nine techniques you will come across as a special person to everyone you meet you will stand out as a somebody in whatever crowd you find yourself in even if it's not your crowd let's start with your smile one how to make your smile magically different in 1936 one of dale carnegie's six musts in how to win friends and influence people was smile his edict has been echoed each decade by practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone however at the turn of the millennium it's high time we re-examine the role of the smile in high-level human relations when you dig deeper into dale's dictum you'll find a 1936 quick smile doesn't always work especially nowadays the old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today's sophisticated crowd look at world leaders negotiators and corporate giants not a smiling sycophant among them key players in all walks of life enrich their smiles so when it does erupt it has more potency and the world smiles with them researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles they range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant some smiles are warm while others are cold there are real smiles and fake smiles you've seen plenty of those plastered on the faces of friends who say they're delighted you decided to drop by and presidential candidates visiting your city who say they're thrilled to be in um uh big winners know their smile is one of their most powerful weapons so they've fine-tuned it for maximum impact how to fine tune your smile just last year my old college friend missy took over her family business a midwestern company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers one day she called saying she was coming to new york to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with several of her prospects i was looking forward to once again seeing my friends quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh missy was an incurable giggler and that was part of her charm when her dad passed away last year she told me she was taking over the business i thought missy's personality was a little bubbly to be a ceo in a tough business but hey what do i know about the corrugated box biz she three of her potential clients and i met in the cocktail lounge of a midtown restaurant and as we led them into the dining room missy whispered in my ear please call me melissa tonight of course i winked back not many company presidents are called missy soon after the metro deceded us i began noticing melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl i'd known in college she was just as charming she smiled as much as ever yet something was different i couldn't quite put my finger on it although she was still effervescent i had the distinct impression everything melissa said was more insightful and sincere she was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients and i could tell they liked her too i was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout that night by the end of the evening melissa had three big new clients afterward alone with her in the cab i said missy you've really come a long way since you took over the company your whole personality has developed well a really cool sharp corporate edge uh only one thing has changed she said what's that my smile she said your what i asked incredulously my smile she repeated as though i hadn't heard her you see she said with a distant look coming into her eyes when dad got sick and knew in a few years i'd have to take over the business he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me i'll never forget his words dad said missy honey remember that old song i love you honey but your feet's too big well if you're gonna make it big in the box business let me say i love you honey but your smile's too quick he then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a study he'd been saving to show me when the time was right it concerned women in business the study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible as missy talked i began to think about history-making women like margaret thatcher indira gandhi golda meir madeleine albright and other powerful women of their ilk not one was known for her quick smile missy continued the study went on to say a big warm smile is an asset but only when it comes a little slower because then it has more credibility from that moment on missy explained she gave clients and business associates her big smile however she trained her lips to erupt more slowly thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient that was it missy's slower smile gave her personality a richer deeper more sincere cachet though the delay was less than a second the recipients of her big beautiful smile felt it was special and just for them i decided to do more research on the smile when you're in the market for shoes you begin to look at everyone's feet when you decide to change your hair style you look at everyone's haircut well for several months i became a steady smile watcher i watched smiles on the street i watched smiles on tv i watched the smiles of politicians the clergy corporate giants and world leaders my findings amid the sea of flashing teeth and parting lips i discovered the people perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever so slower to smile then when they did their smiles seem to seep into every crevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood thus i call the following technique the flooding smile technique number one the flooding smile don't flash an immediate smile when you greet someone as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary instead look at the other person's face for a second pause soak in their persona then let a big warm responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes it will engulf the recipient like a warm wave the split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerful communications tools you possess your eyes two how to strike everyone as intelligent and insightful by using your eyes it's only a slight exaggeration to say helen of troy could launch ships with her eyes and davy crockett could stare down a bear your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate people's emotions just as martial arts masters register their fists as lethal weapons you can register your eyes as psychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye contact techniques beloved people in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that teaches keep good eye contact for one they understand that to certain suspicious or insecure people intense eye contact can be a virulent intrusion when i was growing up my family had a haitian housekeeper whose fantasies were filled with witches warlocks and black magic zola refused to be left alone in a room with louie my siamese cat louie looks right through me sees my soul she'd whisper to me fearfully in some cultures intense eye contact is sorcery in others staring at someone can be threatening or disrespectful realizing this big players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cultural body language differences in their carry-on rather than a berlitz phrase book in our culture however big winners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous especially between the sexes in business even when romance is not in the picture strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men and women a boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect the researchers asked opposite sex individuals to have a two-minute casual conversation they tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked they gave the other half of the subjects no special eye contact directions for the chat when they questioned the subjects afterward the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who unbeknownst to them had simply been counting their blinks i've experienced the closeness intense eye contact in genders with a stranger first hand once when giving a seminar to several hundred people one woman's face in the crowd caught my attention the participant's appearance was not particularly unique yet she became the focus of my attention throughout my talk why because not for one moment did she take her eyes off my face even when i finished making a point and was silent her eyes stayed hungrily on my face i sensed she couldn't wait to savor the next insight to spout from my lips i loved it her concentration and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make important points i had long forgotten right after my talk i resolved to seek out this new friend who was so enthralled by my speech as people were leaving the hall i quickly sidled up behind my big fan excuse me i said my fan kept walking excuse me i repeated a tad louder my admirer didn't vary her pace as she continued out the door i followed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently this time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face i mumbled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my talk and wanting to ask her a few questions did you uh get much out of the seminar i ventured well not really she answered candidly i had difficulty understanding what you were saying because you were walking around on the platform facing different directions in a heartbeat i understood the woman was hearing impaired i did not captivate her as i had suspected she was not intrigued by my talk as i had hoped the only reason she kept her eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my lips nevertheless her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration during my talk that tired as i was i asked her to join me for coffee i spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar just for her powerful stuff this eye contact make your eyes look even more intelligent there is yet another argument for intense eye contact in addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data more easily than concrete thinkers they can continue looking into someone's eyes even during the silences their thought processes are not distracted by peering into their partner's papers back to our valiant psychologists yale researchers thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye contact conducted another study that they assumed would confirm the more eye contact the more positive feelings this time they directed subjects to deliver a personally revealing monologue they asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their partners talked the results all went as expected when women told their personal stories to women increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy but whoops it wasn't so with the men some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man other men felt threatened some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him your partner's emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological base when you look intently at someone it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenaline-like substance gushing through their veins this is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love and when you consciously increase your eye contact even during normal business or social interaction people will feel they have captivated you men talking to women and women talking to men or women use the following technique which i call sticky eyes for the joy of the recipient and for your own advantage guys i'll have a man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment technique number two sticky eyes pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partners with sticky warm taffy don't break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking when you must look away do it ever so slowly reluctantly stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks what about guys eyes now gentlemen when talking to men you too can use sticky eyes just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions but do increase your eye contact slightly more than normal with men on day-to-day communications and a lot more when talking to women it broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect i have a friend sami a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap he doesn't mean to but sometimes his brusque manner makes it look like he's running rough shot over people's feelings once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant i told him about the sticky eyes technique i guess he took it to heart when the waiter came over sammy uncharacteristically instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu looked at the waiter he smiled gave his order for the appetizer and kept his eyes on the waiters for an extra second before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish i can't tell you how different sammy seemed to me just then he came across as a sensitive and caring man and all it took was two extra seconds of eye contact i saw the effect it had on the waiter too we received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening a week later sammy called me and said leo's sticky eyes has changed my life i've been following it to a t with women i make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky and now everybody's treating me with such deference i think it's part of the reason i've made more sales this week than all last month if you deal with customers or clients in your professional life sticky eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line to most people in our culture profound eye contact signals trust knowledge and i'm here for you attitude let's carry sticky eyes one step further like a potent medicine that has the power to kill or cure the next eye contact technique has the potential to captivate or annihilate three how to use your eyes to make someone fall in love with you now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery very sticky eyes or super glue eyes let's call them epoxy eyes big bosses use epoxy eyes to evaluate employees police investigators use epoxy eyes to intimidate suspected criminals and clever romeos use epoxy eyes to make women fall in love with them if romance is your goal epoxy eyes is a proven aphrodisiac the epoxy eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off you your target and one other person here's how it works usually when you're chatting with two or more people you gaze at the person who is speaking however the epoxy eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener your target rather than the speaker this slightly disorients the target and he or she silently asks why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions this can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener human resources professionals often use epoxy eyes not as a technique but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employees reaction to certain ideas being presented attorneys bosses police investigators psychologists and others who must examine subjects reactions also use epoxy eyes for analytical purposes when you use epoxy eyes it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself but because epoxy eyes put you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else you must be careful don't overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen technique number three epoxy eyes this brazen technique packs a powerful punch watch your target person even when someone else is talking no matter who is speaking keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact sometimes using full epoxy eyes is too potent so here is a gentler yet effective form watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point this way mr or ms target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions yet there is relief from the intensity use epoxy eyes to push their erotic button if romance is on the horizon epoxy eyes transmits yet another message it says i can't take my eyes off you or i only have eyes for you anthropologists have dubbed eyes the initial organ of romance because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat it also releases a drug-like substance into our nervous system called phenylethylamine since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement intense eye contact can be a turn on men epoxy eyes is extremely effective on women if they find you attractive the lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation if she does not like you however your epoxy eyes is downright obnoxious never use epoxy eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested for how to look like a big winner wherever you go do you remember the lyrics to the old shirley bassy song the minute you walked in the joint i could see you were a man of distinction a real big spender good looking so refined say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind the goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big somebody the moment people lay eyes on you to that end we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a very important person when the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer your foot jerks forward thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction your body has another instinctive reaction when a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a winner your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back a smile frames your lips and softens your eyes this is the look winners have constantly they stand with assurance they move with confidence they smile softly with pride no doubt about it good posture symbolizes that you are a man or woman who is used to being on top obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids shoulder blades and trillions of teachers telling students stand up straight hasn't done the trick we are a nation of slouchers we need a technique more stern than teachers and more persuasive than parents to make a stand like a somebody in one profession perfect posture perfect equilibrium perfect balance is not only desirable it's a matter of life and death one false move one slump of the shoulders one hang dog look can mean curtains for the high wire acrobat i'll never forget the first time mama took me to the circus when seven men and women raced into the center ring the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips they cheered with one thunderous voice mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the great wallendas the only troop in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net in an instant the crowd became hushed not a cough or soda slurp was heard in the big top as carl and herman wallenda shouted cues in german to their trusting relatives the family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid they then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death the vision was unforgettable to me equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows each perfectly aligned head high shoulders back standing so tall it still didn't seem like their feet were touching the ground every muscle in their bodies to find pride success and their joy of being alive still here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride success and joy of being alive your posture is your biggest success barometer imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat master of the iron jaw act waiting in the wings of the ringling brothers and barnum bailey circus soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body before walking through any door the door to your office a party a meeting even your kitchen picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame it is swinging just an inch higher than your head as you pass through the door throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up as you ascend high above the gasping crowd your body is stretched into perfect alignment head high shoulders back torso out of hips feet weightless at the zenith of the tent you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you now you look like a somebody one day to test hang by your teeth i decided to count how many times i walked through a doorway sixty times even at home you calculate twice out your front door twice in six times to the bathroom eight times to the kitchen and through countless doors at your office it adds up visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit habitual good posture is the first mark of a big winner you are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sail or maybe just settle for looking like the most important somebody in the room you now have all the basics bob the artist needs to portray you as a big winner like he said great posture a heads up look a confident smile and a direct gaze the ideal image for somebody who's a somebody technique number four hang by your teeth visualize a circus iron jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through take a bite and with it firmly between your teeth let it swoop you to the peak of the big top when you hang by your teeth every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position now let's put the whole act into motion it's time to turn your attention outward to your conversation partner use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million five how to win their heart by responding to their inner infant remember the old joke the comic comes on stage and the first words out of his mouth are well how do you like me so far the audience always cracks up why because we all silently ask that question whenever we meet someone we know consciously or subconsciously how they're reacting to us do they look at us do they smile do they lean toward us do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are we like those people they have good taste or do they turn away obviously unimpressed by our magnificence the cretans two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out we don't have tails that wag or hair that bristles but we do have eyes that narrow or widen and hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms up i submit position we have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness attorneys conducting vardhir are exquisitely aware of this they pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions they watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you're leaning while answering their questions they check out your hands are they softly open palms up signifying acceptance of the ideas they're expressing or are you making a slight fist knuckles out signaling rejection they scrutinize your face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or the death penalty sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget an interesting aside trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch and turn spying job because traditionally females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males women more sensitive to emotions than men often ask their husbands is something bothering you honey these super sensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn't notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears the attorney and the assistant then review your score on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed depending on their tally you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror's waiting room trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that in the 1960s during the famous trial of the chicago seven defense attorney william kunsler actually made a legal objection to judge julius hoffman's posture during the summation by the prosecution judge hoffman leaned forward which accused kunstler sent a message to the jury of attention and interest during his defense summation complained counselor judge hoffman leaned back sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest you're on trial and you only have ten seconds like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives they base their verdict greatly on the same signals your body language answered to their unspoken question well how do you like me so far the first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out if you ever want anything from the new acquaintance your unspoken answer to their unspoken question how do you like me so far must be wow i really like you when a little four-year-old feels bashful he slumps puts his arms up in front of his chest steps back and hides behind mommy's skirt however when little johnny sees daddy come home he runs up to him he smiles his eyes get wide and he opens his arms for a hug a loving child's body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine 20 30 40 50 years of life on earth make little difference when 40 year old johnny is feeling timid he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest when he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague he turns away and closes them off with a myriad of body signals however when welcoming his loved one home after an absence big johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm treat people like big babies once i was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive recently divorced friend of mine carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which like so many companies then had downsized my girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship at this particular party the pickings for carla were good both personally and professionally several times as carla and i stood talking one good looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us more often than not one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at carla she sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder but then she'd turn back to our mundane conversation as though she were hanging on my every word i knew she was trying not to look anxious but inside carla was crying out why doesn't he come speak to us right after one prize corporate big cat smiled but because of carla's minimal reaction wandered back into the social jungle i had to say carla do you know who that was he's the head of the young and rubicam in paris they're looking for copywriters willing to relocate and he's single carla moaned just then we heard a little voice down by carla's left knee hello we looked down simultaneously little five-year-old willie the hostess's adorable young son was tugging on carla's skirt obviously craving attention well well carla cried out a big smile erupting all over her face carla turned toward him carla kneeled down touched little willy's elbow and crooned well hello there willy how are you enjoying mommy's nice party little willy beamed when little willy finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers carla and i returned to our grown-up conversing during our chat corporate beasts continued to stalk carla with their eyes and she continued casting half smiles at them she was obviously disappointed none of them was making a further approach i had to bite my tongue finally when i felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth i said carla have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you yes carla whispered her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us and you've been giving them little half smiles i continued yes she murmured now confused at my question remember when little willy came up and tugged on your skirt do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours turned toward him and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation yes she answered haltingly well i have a request carla i want you to give the next man who smiles at you that same big smile you gave willy i want you to turn toward him just like you did then maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did willy's and then welcome him into our conversation oh leel i couldn't do that carla do it sure enough within a few minutes another attractive man wandered our way and smiled carla played her role to perfection she flashed her beautiful teeth turned fully toward him and said hello come join us he wasted no time accepting carla's invitation after a few moments i excused myself neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation the last glimpse i had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend just then the technique i call the big baby pivot was born it is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle technique number five the big baby pivot give everyone you meet the big baby pivot the instant the two of you are introduced reward your new acquaintance give the warm smile the total body turn and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tike who crawled up to your feet turned a precious face up to yours and beamed a big toothless grin pivoting one hundred percent toward the new person shouts i think you are very very special remember buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is rattling the crib wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is the following technique reinforces the big baby's suspicion that he or she is indeed the center of the universe six how to make someone feel like an old friend at once a very wise man with the funny name of zig once told me people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care about them zig ziglar is right the secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them your body is a 24-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eye shot precisely how you feel at any given moment even if your hang by your teeth posture is gaining their respect your flooding smile and the big baby pivot are making them feel special and your sticky eyes are capturing their hearts and minds the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence every inch from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet must give a command performance if you want to effectively present and i care about you attitude unfortunately when meeting someone our brains are in overdrive remember shakespeare's julius caesar he said of cassius he has a lean and hungry look he thinks too much such men are dangerous so it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance our brains become lean some of us are fighting off shyness others are frantically sizing up the situation and hungry we're deciding what if anything we want from this potential relationship so we think too much instead of responding with candid unself-conscious friendliness such actions are dangerous to impending friendship love or commerce when our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of stimuli every second a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility we need a technique to ensure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject we need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly to find it let's explore the only time we don't need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language it's when we feel none that happens when we're chatting with close friends when we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought our lips part happily we step closer our arms reach out our eyes become soft and wide even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend how to trick your body into doing everything right here's a visualization technique that accomplishes all that it guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth i call it hello old friend when meeting someone play a mental trick on yourself in your mind's eye see him or her as an old friend someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago but somehow you lost track of your friend you tried so hard to find your good buddy but there was no listing in the phone book no information online none of your mutual friends had a clue suddenly wow what a surprise after all those years the two of you are reunited you are so happy that's where the pretending stops obviously you are not going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are really old friends you are not going to hug and kiss and say great to see you again or how have you been all these years you merely say hello how do you do i am pleased to meet you but inside it's a very different story you will amaze yourself the delight of rediscovery fills your face and boys up your body language i sometimes jokingly say if you were a light you'd beam on the other person if you were a dog you'd be wagging your tail you make this new person feel very special indeed technique number six hello old friend when meeting someone imagine he or she is an old friend an old customer an old beloved or someone else you had great affection for how sad the vicissitudes of life tore you to asunder but holy mackerel now the party the meeting the convention has reunited you with your long lost old friend the joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes and everything between in my seminars i first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they've learned the hello old friend technique the group chats as though at a pleasant semi-formal gathering later i asked them to introduce themselves to another stranger imagining they are old friends the difference is extraordinary when they're using hello old friend the room comes alive the atmosphere is charged with good feeling the air sparkles with happier high-energy people they are standing closer laughing more sincerely and reaching out to one another i feel like i'm attending a terrific bash that's been going on for hours not a word need be spoken the hello old friend technique even supersedes language whenever you're traveling in countries where you don't speak the native tongue be sure to use it if you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you just imagine them to be a group of your old friends everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak english in spite of the fact you won't understand a word your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance i've used the hello old friend technique while traveling in europe sometimes my english speaking friends who live there tell me their european colleagues say i am the friendliest american they've ever met yet we've never spoken a word between us a self-fulfilling prophecy an added benefit to the hello old friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when you act as though you like someone you start to really like them an adelphi university study called appropriately believing another likes or dislikes you behaviors making the beliefs come true proved it researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they like them when surveyed later the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects the unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed these respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them what it boils down to is love begets love like begets like respect begets respect use the hello old friend technique and you will soon have many new old friends who wind up genuinely liking you you now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a somebody a friendly somebody but your job isn't over yet in addition to being liked you want to appear credible intelligent and sure of yourself each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals seven how to come across as one hundred percent credible to everyone my friend helen is a highly respected head hunter she makes terrific hires for her clients and i once asked her the secret of her success helen replied probably because i can almost always tell when an applicant is lying how can you tell she said well just last week i was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm throughout the interview the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me i asked her salary without swerving her eyes from mine she told me i asked if she enjoyed her work still looking directly at me she said yes then i asked her why she left her previous job at that point her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me helen continued then while answering my question she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg over her left at one point she put her hands up to her mouth helen said that's all i needed with her words she was telling me she felt her growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm but her body told me she was not being entirely forthright helen went on to explain the young woman's fidgeting alone wouldn't prove she was lying nevertheless it was enough she said that she wanted to pursue the subject further so i tested it helen explained i changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory i asked her about her goals for the future again the girl stopped fidgeting she folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she'd always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project then i repeated my earlier question i asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position sure enough once again the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact as she continued talking about her last job she started rubbing her forearm helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth the applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagreement with the marketing director for whom she worked human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies they know specifically what signals to look for the rest of us although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in-house booking agent after interviewing one fellow she said to me i don't know i don't really think he has the success he claims you think he's lying to you i asked absolutely and the funny thing is i can't tell why he looked right at me he answered all my questions directly there was just something that didn't seem right employers often feel this way they have a gut feeling about someone but they can't put their finger on it because of that many large companies turn to the polygraph or lie detector a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying banks drug stores and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre-employment screening the fbi justice department and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects interestingly the polygraph is not a lie detector at all all the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system changes in breathing patterns sweating flushing heart rate blood pressure and other signs of emotional arousal so is it accurate well yes often it is why because when the average person tells a lie he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place when that happens the individual might fidget experienced or trained liars however can fool the polygraph beware of the appearance of lying even when you're telling the truth problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking a young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight a woman talking about her company's track record to an important client could rub her neck more problems arise out of the atmosphere a businessman who doesn't feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot a politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty even though erroneous these fidgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn't right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying professional communicators alert to this hazard consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness they fix a constant gaze on the listener they never put their hands on their faces they don't massage their arm when it tingles or rub their nose when it itches they don't loosen their collar when it's hot or blink because it's sandy they don't wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun they suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility consider the infamous september 25th 1960 televised presidential debate between richard milhouse nixon and john fitzgerald kennedy political pundits speculate nixon's lack of makeup his fidgeting and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election if you want to come across as an entirely credible somebody try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts i call the technique limit the fidget technique number seven limit the fidget whenever your conversation really counts let your nose itch your ear tingle or your foot prickle do not fidget twitch wiggle squirm or scratch and above all keep your paws away from your puss hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you're fibbing now let's tackle intelligence what you ask can people come across as more intelligent than they really are well did you ever hear of hans the counting horse hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history and he used the technique i'm about to suggest eight how to read people like you have esp hans a very clever horse inspires this next technique hans was owned by hair von austen a berliner who had trained hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof so prodigious was hans's ability that the horse's fame quickly spread throughout europe in the early 1900s he became known as clever hans the counting horse here von austin taught hans to do more than just add soon the horse could subtract and divide in time clever hans even mastered the multiplication tables the horse became quite a phenomenon without his owner uttering a single word hans could count out the size of his audience tap the number wearing glasses or respond to any counting question they asked him finally hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal language hans learned the alphabet by tapping out hoof beats for each letter he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio he could even answer common questions about history geography and human biology hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout europe the human horse quickly attracted the attention of scientists psychology professors veterinarians even cavalry officers naturally they were skeptical so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius whatever their suspicions it was obvious to all hans was a very smart horse compared to other horses hans was a somebody cut to today why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people that they are a somebody often they're not discussing high falutin subjects or using two dollar words nevertheless everybody knows people say she's smart as a whip he doesn't miss a trick she picks up on everything he's got the right stuff she's got horse sense which brings us back to hans the day of the big test arrived everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by hair von austen hans's owner it was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists reporters clairvoyants psychics and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer the county commission members were confident this was the day they would expose hans as chicanery because they too had a trick up their sleeves they were going to bar von austin from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone when the crowd was assembled they told von austen he must leave the auditorium the surprised owner departed and hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience the confident commission leader asked hans the first mathematical question he tapped out the right answer a second he got it right then a third then the language questions followed he got them all right the commission was befuddled the critics were silenced however the public wasn't with a great outcry they insisted on a new commission the world waited while once again the authorities gathered scientists professors veterinarians cavalry officers and reporters from around the world only after this second commission put hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out commission number two started the end query perfunctorially with a simple addition problem this time however instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear one researcher whispered a number in hans's ear and a second researcher whispered another everyone expected hans to quickly tap out the sum but hans remained dumb aha the researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world can you guess what that was here's a hint when the audience or researcher knew the answer hans did too now can you guess people gave off very subtle body language signals the moment hans's hoof gave the right number of taps when han started tapping the answer to a question the audience would show subtle signs of tension then when hans reach the right number they responded by an expulsion of breath or a slight relaxation of muscles bon austin had trained hans to stop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right answer hans was using the technique i call hans's horse sense he watched his audience's reactions very carefully and planned his responses accordingly if a horse can do it so can you have you ever been watching tv when the phone rings someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk because there's no sound now you watch the tv action more carefully you see performers smiling scowling smirking squinting and scores of other expressions you don't miss a bit of the story because just from their expressions you can tell what they're thinking hans's horse sense is just that watching people seeing how they're reacting and then making your moves accordingly even while you're talking keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they're responding to what you're saying don't miss a trick are they smiling are they nodding are their palms up they like what they're hearing are they frowning are they looking away are their knuckles clenched maybe they don't are they rubbing their necks are they stepping back are their feet pointing toward the door maybe they want to get away you don't need a complete course in body language here already your life's experience has given you a good grounding in that most people know if their conversation partners step back or look away they're not interested in what you're saying when they think you're a pain in the neck they rub theirs when they feel superior to you they steeple their hands we'll explore more body language specifics in technique number 77 eyeball selling for the moment all you need to do is tune to the silent channel being broadcast by the speaker technique number eight hanza's horse sense make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking express yourself but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you're saying then plan your moves accordingly if a horse can do it so can a human people will say you pick up on everything you never miss a trick you've got horse sense you now have eight techniques to help you come across as a confident credible and charismatic person who makes everyone he or she comes in contact with feel like a million let's explore one last technique in this section to put it all together and make sure you don't miss a beat nine how to make sure you don't miss a single beat you've seen professional skiing on television the athlete at the top of the piste every muscle primed and poised waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory look deeply into his eyes and you'll see he is having an out of body experience in his mind's eye the skier is swooshing down the slope zapping back and forth between the poles and sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought possible the athlete is visualizing all athletes do it divers runners jumpers javelin throwers losers swimmers skaters acrobats they visualize their magic before performing it they see their own bodies bending twisting flipping or flying through the air they hear the sound of the wind the splash in the water the horror of the javelin the thought of its landing they smell the grass the cement the pool the dust before they move a muscle professional athletes watch the whole movie which of course ends in their own victory sport psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top level competitive athletes studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf their tennis their running whatever their favorite activity experts agree if you see the pictures hear the sounds and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity the effect is powerful 26 miles on my mattress psychological mumbo jumbo absolutely not my friend richard runs marathons once several years ago a scant three weeks before the big new york marathon an out-of-control car crashed into richards and he was taken to the hospital he was not badly injured nevertheless his friends felt sorry for him because being laid up two weeks in bed would naturally knock him out of the big event what a surprise when on that crisp november marathon morning in central park richard showed up in his little shorts and big running shoes richard are you crazy you're in no shape to run you've been in bed these past few weeks we all cried out my body may have been in bed he replied but i've been running what we asked in unison yep every day 26 miles 385 yards right there on my mattress richard explained that in his imagination he saw himself traversing every step of the course he saw the sights heard the sounds and felt the twitching movements in his muscles he visualized himself racing in the marathon richard didn't do as well as he had the year before but the miracle is he finished the marathon without injury without excessive fatigue thanks to his visualization it works in just about any endeavor you apply it to including being a terrific communicator visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear vivid images do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party the convention or the big deal meeting see it all in your mind's eye ahead of time technique number nine watch the scene before you make the scene rehearse being the super somebody you want to be ahead of time see yourself walking around with hang by your teeth posture shaking hands smiling the flooding smile and making sticky eyes hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you visualize yourself a super somebody then it all happens automatically you now have the skills necessary to get you started on the right foot with any new person in your life think of yourself in these first moments like a rocket taking off when the folks at cape kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon a mistake in the millionth of a degree at the beginning when the craft is still on the ground means missing the moon by thousands of miles likewise a tiny body language blooper at the outside of a relationship may mean you will never make a hit with that person but with the flooding smile sticky eyes epoxy eyes hang by your teeth the big baby pivot hello old friend limit the fidget hans's horse sense and watch the scene before you make the scene you'll be right on course to get whatever you eventually want from anybody be it business friendship or love we now move from the silent world to the spoken word part two how to know what to say after you say hi just as the first glimpse should please their eyes your first word should delight their ears your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with either welcome or go away to make your conversation partner feel welcome you must master small talk small talk can you hear the shutter those two little words drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls invite them to a party where they don't know anyone and it mainlines queasiness into their veins if this sounds familiar take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual the more he or she detests small talk when consulting for fortune 500 companies i was astounded top executives completely comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing their stockholders confessed they felt like little lost children at parties where the prater was less than prodigious small talk haters take further consolation from the fact that you are in star-studded company fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing the butterflies you feel in your stomach when you're in a room full of strangers flutter round the tummies of top performers pablo casales complained of lifelong stage fright carly simon curtailed live performances because of it a friend of mine who worked with neil diamond said he insisted the words to song sung blue a tune he'd been crooning for 40 years be displayed on his teleprompter lest fear frees him into forgetfulness is small talk a phobia curable someday scientists say communication spheres may be treatable with drugs they're already experimenting with prozac to change people's personalities but some fear disastrous side effects the good news is that when human beings think and genuinely feel certain emotions like confidence that they have specific techniques to fall back on the brain manufactures its own antidotes if fear and distaste of small talk is the disease knowing solid techniques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure incidentally science is beginning to recognize it's not chance or even upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and another doesn't in our brains neurons communicate through chemicals called neurotransmitters some people have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine a chemical cousin of adrenaline for some children just walking into a kindergarten room makes them want to run and hide under a table as a tot i spent a lot of time under the table as a preteen in an all girls boarding school my legs turned to linguini every time i had to converse with a male in eighth grade i once had to invite a boy to our school prom the entire selection of dancing males lived in the dormitory of our brother's school and i only knew one resident eugene i had met eugene at summer camp the year before mustering all my courage i decided to call him two weeks before the dance i felt the onset of sweaty palms i put the call off one week before rapid heartbeat set in i put the call off finally three days before the big bash breathing became difficult time was running out the critical moment i rationalized would be easier if i read from a script i wrote out the following hi this is leel we met at camp last summer remember i programmed in a pause where i hoped he would say yes well national cathedral schools prom is this saturday night and i'd like you to be my date i programmed in another pause where i prayed he'd say yes on thursday before the dance i could no longer delay the inevitable i picked up the receiver and dialed clutching the phone waiting for eugene to answer my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow a small salty puddle was forming around my feet hello but i persisted just to quiet me down nancy promised to ask cantankerous old mrs otis if she liked plants the next day a flabbergasted nancy called me from work leo how did you know not only did mrs otis love plants but she told me she'd been married to a gardener today i had a different problem with mrs otis i couldn't shut her up she went on and on about her garden her husband top communicators know ideas don't come out of nowhere if mrs otis thought to bring up plants then she must have some relationship with them furthermore by mentioning the word it meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants suppose for example instead of responding to nancy's comment about the rain with it's good for the plants mrs otis had said because of the rain my dog couldn't go out nancy could then ask about her dog or suppose she grumbled it's bad for my arthritis can you guess what old mrs otis wants to talk about now when talking with anyone keep your ears open and like a good detective listen for clues be on the lookout for any unusual references any anomaly deviation digression or invocation of another place time person ask about it because it's the clue to what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing if two people have something in common when the shared interest comes up they jump on it naturally for example if someone mentions playing squash bird watching or stamp collecting and the listener shares that passion he or she pipes up oh you're a squasher or birder or philatelist too here's the trick there's no need to be a squasher birder or philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm you can simply be a word detective when you pick up on the reference as though it excites you too it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to the subject may put your feet to sleep but that's another story technique number 18 be a word detective like a good gum shoe listen to your conversation partners every word for clues to his or her preferred topic the evidence is bound to slip out then spring on that subject like a sleuth onto a slip of the tongue like sherlock holmes you have the clue to the subject that's hot for the other person now that you've ignited stimulating conversation let's explore a technique to keep it hot 19. how to enthrall them with your choice of topic them several years ago a girlfriend and i attended a party saturated with a hodgepodge of swelegant folks everyone we talked to seemed to lead a nifty life discussing the party afterward i asked my friend diane of all the exciting people at the party who did you enjoy talking to most without hesitation she said oh by far dan smith what does dan do i asked her um well i'm not sure she answered where does he live uh i don't know diane responded well what is he interested in well we really didn't talk about his interests diane i asked what did you talk about well i guess we talked mostly about me aha i thought diane has just rubbed noses with a winner as it turns out i had the pleasure of meeting big winner dan several months later diane's ignorance about his life piqued my curiosity so i grilled him for details as it turns out dan lives in paris has a beach home in the south of france and a mountain home in the alps he travels around the world producing sound and light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins and he is an avid hang glider and scuba diver does this man have an interesting life or what yet dan when meeting diane said nothing about himself i told dan about how pleased diane was to meet him yet how little she learned about his life dan simply replied well when i meet someone i learn so much more if i ask about their life i always try to turn the spotlight on the other person truly confident people often do this they know they grow more by listening than talking obviously they also captivate the talker sell yourself with a top sales technique several months ago at a speaker's convention i was talking with a colleague brian tracy brian does a brilliant job of training top salespeople he tells his students of a giant spotlight that when shining on their product is not as interesting to the prospect when they shine the spotlight on the prospect they make the sale people this technique is especially crucial for you keep your swiveling spotlight aimed away from you only lightly on your product and most brightly on your buyer you'll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product technique number 19 the swiveling spotlight when you meet someone imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you when you're talking the spotlight is on you when the new person is speaking it's shining on him or her if you shine it brightly enough the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself the longer you keep it shining away from you the more interesting he or she finds you 20. how to never need to wonder what do i say next moments arise of course when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit the wall some folks monosyllabic grunts leave slim pickings even for masters of the be a word detective technique if you find yourself feudally fanning the embers of a dying conversation and if you feel for political reasons or human compassion that the conversation should continue here's a foolproof trick to get the fire blazing again i call it parroting after that beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone's heart simply by repeating other people's words have you ever puttering around the house had the tv in the background tuned to a tennis game you hear the ball going back and forth over the net clunk clink plunk clink this time you don't hear the clunk the ball didn't hit the court what happened you immediately look up at the set likewise in conversation the conversational ball goes back and forth first you speak then your partner speaks you speak and so it goes back and forth each time through a series of nods and comforting grunts like or um you let your conversation partner know the ball has landed in your court it's your i got it signal such is the rhythm of conversation what do i say next back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank don't panic instead of signaling verbally or non-verbally that you got it simply repeat or parrot the last two or three words your companion said in a sympathetic questioning tone that throws the conversational ball right back in your partner's court my friend phil sometimes picks me up at the airport usually i am so exhausted that i rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat relegating phil to nothing more than a chauffeur after one especially exhausting trip some years ago i flung my bags in his trunk and flopped onto the front seat as i was dozing off he mentioned he'd gone to the theater in the night before usually i would have just grunted and walked it into unconsciousness however on this particular trip i had learned the parroting technique and was eager to try it theater i parroted quizzically yes it was a great show he replied fully expecting it to be the last word on the subject before i fell into my usual sleepy stupor great show i parroted pleasantly surprised by my interest he said yes it's a new show by stephen sondheim called sweeney todd sweeney todd i again parrot it now phil was getting fired up yeah great music and an unbelievably bizarre story bizarre story i parroted well that's all phil needed for the next half an hour phil told me the show's story about a london barber who went around murdering people i half dozed but soon decided his tale of sweeney todd's cutting off people's heads was disturbing my sleepy reverie so i simply backed up and parroted one of his previous phrases to get him on another track you said it had great music that did the trick for the rest of the 45 minute trip to my home phil sang me pretty women the best pies in london and other songs from sweeney todd much better accompaniment for my demi nap i'm sure to this day phil thinks of that trip as one of the best conversations we ever had and all i did was parrot a few of his phrases technique number 20 parroting never be left speechless again like a parrot simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says that puts the ball right back in his or her court and then all you need to do is listen salespeople why go on a wild goose chase for a customer's real objections when it's so easy to shake them out of the trees with parroting parroting your way to profits parroting is also a can opener to pry open people's real feelings star people use it to get to their prospects emotional objections which they often don't even articulate to themselves a friend of mine paul a used car salesman told me he credits a recent sale of a lamborghini to parroting paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife who had expressed interest in a sensible car he was showing them every sensible chevy and ford on the lot as they were looking at one very sensible family car paul asked the husband what he thought of it well he mused i'm not sure this car is right for me instead of moving on to the next sensible car paul parrotted right for you paul's questioning inflection signaled the prospect that he needed to say more well yeah the prospect mumbled i'm not sure it fits my personality fits your personality paul again parroted you know maybe i need something a little more sporty a little more sporty paul parrotted well those cars over there look a little more sporty aha paul's parrot had fared it out which cars to show the customer as they walked over toward a lamborghini on the lot paul saw the prospect's eyes light up an hour later paul had pocketed a fat commission want to take a rest from talking to save your throat this next technique gets your conversation partner off and running so all you have to do is listen or even sneak off unnoticed as he or she chats congenially away 21. how to get them happily chatting so you can slip away if you want to every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime daddy daddy tell me the story again of the three little pigs or the dancing princesses or how you and mommy met daddy knows junior enjoyed the story so much the first time he wants to hear it again and again junior inspires the following technique called encore which serves two purposes encore makes a colleague feel like a happy dad and it's a great way to give dying conversation a heart transplant i once worked on a ship that had italian officers and mostly american passengers each week the deck officers were required to attend the captain's cocktail party after the captain's address in charmingly broken english the officers invariably clumped together yakking it up in italian needless to say most of the passengers grasp of italian ended at macaroni spaghetti salami and pizza as cruise director it fell on my shoulders to get the officers to mingle with the passengers my not so subtle tactic was to grab one of the officer's arms and literally drag him over to a smiling throng of expectant passengers i would then introduce the officer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue or a passenger would come up with a more original question than gee if all you officers are here who is driving the boat never happened i dreaded the weekly captain's cocktail party one night sleeping in my cabin i was awakened by the ship rocking violently from side to side i listened and the engines were off a bad sign i grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck through the dense fog i could barely discern another ship not half a mile from us five or six officers were grasping the starboard guard rail and leaning overboard i rushed over just in time to see a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling up our violently rocking ladder the officers immediately whisked him off to our ship's hospital the engine started again and we were on our way the next morning i got the full story a laborer on the other ship a freighter had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder while he was working a sharp needle-thin piece of metal shot like a missile into his right eye the freighter had no doctor on board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal international sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must respond our ship came to the rescue and the seamen clutching his bleeding eye was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him to our ship dr rosie our ship's doctor was successfully able to remove the needle from the workman's eye thus saving his eyesight tell him about the time you cut to the next captain's cocktail party once again i was faced with the familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle and make small talk with the passengers i made my weekly trek to the laconic officer's throng to drag one or two away and this time my hand fell on the arm of the ship's doctor i hauled him over to the nearest group of grinning passengers and introduced him i then said just last week dr rosie saved the eyesight of a sea man on another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue dr rosie i'm sure these folks would love to hear about it it was like a magic wand to my amazement it was as though dr rosie was blessed instantly with the tongues of angels his previously monosyllabic broken english became thickly accented eloquence he recounted the entire story for the growing group of passengers gathering around him i left the throng that dr rosie enraptured to pull another officer over to an awaiting audience i grabbed the captain's stripe covered arm dragged him over to another pack of smiling passengers and said captain caffiero why don't you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week the cat released cafero's tongue and he was off and running back to the throng to get the first officer for the next group by now i knew i had a winner senor silvago why don't you tell these folks how you awaken the captain at midnight last week for the dramatic midnight rescue by then it was time to go back to extract the ship's doctor from the first bevy and take him to his next pack of passengers it worked even better the second time he happily commenced his encore for the second audience as he chatted away i raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng i felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on sticks just as i got one conversation spinning i had to race back to the first speaker to give him a whirl at another audience the captain's cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest of the season the three officers loved telling the same story of their heroism to new people every cruise the only problem was i noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time i had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat performance for the next audience play it again sam encore is what appreciative audiences chant when they want another song from the singer another dance from the dancer another poem from the poet and in my case another storytelling from the officers encore is the technique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect potential employer or valued acquaintance while the two of you are chatting with a group of people simply turn to him and say john i bet everyone would love to hear about the time you caught that thirty pound striped bass or susan tell everyone that story you just told me of how you rescued the kitten from the tree he or she will of course demur insist your conversation partner is secretly loving it the subtext of your request is that story of yours was so terrific i want my other friends to hear it after all only crowd pleasers are asked to do an encore technique number 21 encore the sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is encore encore let's hear it again the sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you're talking with a group of people is tell them about the time you whenever you're at a meeting or party with someone important to you think of some stories he or she told you choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance added benefit of this technique is that once you've got them up and running with their conversation you can sneak off and find more interesting company one word of warning make sure the story you request is one in which the teller shines no one wants to retell the time they lost the sale cracked up the car or broke up the bar and spent the night in jail make sure your requested encore is a positive story where they come out the big winner not the buffoon the full beauty of this technique will hit you like a happy thunderbolt the first time you use it with someone who is telling a long and we're some tale you simply tiptoe away and let the boar spin the story on and on with your friend of course your friend may never speak to you again but that's not germaine to this chapter the next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of your life twenty two how to come across as a positive person often people think when they meet someone they like they should share a secret reveal an intimacy or make a confession of sorts to show they are human too airing your youthful battle with bedwetting teeth grinding or thumb sucking or your present struggle with gout or a goiter supposedly endears you to the masses well sometimes it does one study showed that if someone is above you in stature their revealing a foible brings them closer to you the holes in the bottom of presidential candidate adelaide stevenson's shoes charmed a nation as did george h.w bush's shocking admission that he couldn't stomach broccoli if you're on shore footing say a superstar who wants to become friends with a fan go ahead and tell your devotees about the time you were out of work and penniless but if you're not a superstar better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later people don't know you well enough to put your foible in context later in a relationship telling your new friend you've been thrice married you got caught shoplifting as a teenager and you got turned down for a big job may be no big deal and that may be the extent of what could be construed as black marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships no misdemeanors and an impressive professional record but very early in a relationship the instinctive reaction is what else is coming if he shares that with me so quickly what else is he hiding a closet full of ex-spouses a criminal record walls papered with rejection letters your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession was a generous act a well-intentioned revelation on your part technique number 22 accentuate the positive when first meeting someone lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later you and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out have a good laugh and dance over their bones later in the relationship but now's the time as the old song says to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative so far in this section you have found assertive methods for meeting people and mastering small talk the next is both an assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about twenty three how to always have something interesting to say you've heard folks whine i can't go to the party i haven't got a thing to wear when was the last time you heard i can't go to the party i haven't got a thing to say when going to a gathering with great networking possibilities you naturally plan your outfit and make sure your shoes will match and of course you must have just the right tie or correct color lipstick you puff your hair pack your business cards and you're off whoa wait a minute didn't you forget the most important thing what about the right conversation to enhance your image are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind or doesn't at the moment you wouldn't don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet so you shouldn't leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant smiling faces you will of course follow your instincts in conversation but at least be prepared in case inspiration doesn't hit the best way to ensure your conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave what's happening right now in the world all the fires floods air disasters toppled governments and stock market crashes pulverizes into great conversational fodder no matter what crowd you're circulating in it is with some embarrassment that i must attribute the following technique to a business woman in the world's oldest profession for a magazine article i was writing i interviewed one of the savviest operators in her field sydney biddle barrows the famed mayflower madam sydney told me she had a house rule when she was in business all of her female independent contractors were directed to keep up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists with their clients this was not just sydney's whim feedback from her employees had revealed that sixty percent of her girls work hour was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the customer's needs thus she instructed them to read the daily newspaper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an appointment sydney told me when she initiated this rule her business increased significantly reports came back from her clients complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for her the consummate businesswoman ms barrows always strove to exceed her customers expectations technique number 23 the latest news don't leave home without it the last move to make before leaving for the party even after you've given yourself final approval in the mirror is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper anything that happened today is good material knowing the big deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody's talking about foot in mouth is not very tasty in public especially when it's surrounded by egg on face ready for the big leagues of conversation let's go part three how to talk like a vip welcome to the human jungle when two tigers prowling through the jungle chants upon one another in a clearing they look at each other they freeze instinctively they calculate if our staring came to hissing came to scratching came to clawing who would win which of us has the stronger survival skills tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright animals inhabiting the corporate jungle or singles jungle or social jungle humans start the process by looking at each other and talking in the business world while smiling and uttering how do you do hello howdy or hi they are like tigers instinctively instantaneously sizing each other up they're not calculating the length of each other's claws or the sharpness of their teeth they're judging each other on a weapon far more powerful to survival as they have defined it humans are judging each other's communication skills although they may not know the names of the specific studies first proving it they sense the truth 85 percent of one's success in life is directly due to communication skills they may not be familiar with the us census bureau's recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communication skills and attitude way over education experience and training but they know communication skills get people to the top thus by observing each other carefully during casual conversing it becomes almost immediately evident to both which is the bigger cat in the human jungle it doesn't take long for people to recognize who is an important person one cliche one insensitive remark one over anxious reaction and you can be professionally or personally demoted you can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact one stupid move and you can tumble off the corporate or social ladder the techniques in this section will help ensure that you make all the right moves so this doesn't happen the following communication skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top of any ladder you choose 24. how to find out what they do without even asking to size each other up the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask each other is and what do you do hmm then they crouch there quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses with an obvious i'm going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you answer look on their pusses big cats never ask outright what do you do oh they find out all right in a much more subtle manner by not asking the question the big boys and big girls come across as more principled even spiritual after all their silence says a man or woman is far more than his or her job resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity with so much downsizing right sizing and capsizing of corporations these days the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness the job question is not just unpleasant for those who are between engagements i have several gainfully employed friends who hate being asked and what do you do one of these folks cuts cadavers for autopsies the other is an irs collection agent additionally millions of talented and accomplished women have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood when the cruel corporate question is thrust at them they feel guilty the rude interrogation belittles their commitment to their families no matter how the women answer they fear the asker is only going to hear a humble i'm just a housewife big boys and big girls should avoid asking what do you do for another reason their abstinence from the question leads listeners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a high flying crowd recently i attended a posh party on easy street i suspect they invited me as their token working class person i noticed no one was asking anyone what they did because these swells didn't do anything oh some might have a ticker tape on the bed table of their mansion to track investments but they definitely did not work for a living the final benefit to not asking what do you do is it throws people off guard it convinces them that you are enjoying their company for who they are not for any crass networking reason technique number 24 what do you do not a sure sign you're a somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question what do you do you determine this of course but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker a social climber a gold digging husband or wife hunter or someone who's never strolled along easy street the right way to find out so how do you find out what someone does for a living i thought you'd never ask you simply practice the following eight words all together now how do you spend most of your time how do you spend most of your time is the gracious way to let a cadaver cutter a tax collector or a capsized employee off the hook it's the way to reinforce an accomplished mother's choice it's the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner beauty it's a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on easy street too now suppose you've just made the acquaintance of someone who does like to talk about his or her work asking how do you spend most of your time also opens the door for workaholics to spout off oh golly they mock moan i just spend all my time working that of course is your invitation to grill them for details then they'll talk your ear off yet the new wording of your question gives those who are somewhere between at leisure and work addicted the choice of telling you about their job or not finally asking how do you spend most of your time instead of and what do you do gives you your big cat stripes right off twenty five how to know what to say when they ask what do you do now ninety nine percent of the people you meet will of course ask and what do you do big winners realizing someone will always ask are fully prepared for the interrogation many folks have one written resume for job seeking they type it up and then trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospective employers the resume lists their previous positions dates of employment and education then at the bottom they might as well have scribbled well that's me take it or leave it and usually they get left why because prospective employers do not find enough specific points in the resume that relate directly to what their firm is seeking boys and girls in the big leagues however have bits and bytes of their entire work experience tucked away in their computers when applying for a job they punch up only the appropriate data and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer my friend roberto was out of work last year he applied for two positions a sales manager of an ice cream company and head of strategic planning for a fast food chain he did extensive research and found the ice cream company had deep sales difficulties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations did he send the same resume to each absolutely not his resume never deviated one iota from the truth of his background however for the ice cream company he highlighted his experience turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three years for the food chain he underscored his experience working in europe and his knowledge of foreign markets both firms offered roberto the job now he could play them off against each other he went to each explaining he'd like to work for them but another firm was offering a higher salary or more perks the two firms started bidding against each other for roberto he finally chose the food chain at almost double the salary they originally offered him to make the most of every encounter personalize your verbal resume with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae instead of having one answer to the omnipresent what do you do prepare a dozen or so variations depending on who's asking for optimum networking every time someone asks about your job give a calculated oral resume in a nutshell before you submit your answer consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work here's how my life can benefit yours top salespeople talk extensively of the benefit statement they know when talking with a potential client they should open their conversation with a benefit statement when my colleague brian makes cold calls instead of saying hello my name is brian tracy i'm a sales trainer he says hello my name is brian tracy from the institute for executive development would you be interested in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 percent over the next 12 months that is his benefit statement he highlights the specific benefits of what he has to offer to his prospect my hairdresser gloria i discovered gives a terrific benefit statement to everyone she meets that's probably why she has so many clients in fact that's how she got me as a client when i met gloria at a convention she told me she was a hairdresser who specialized in flexible hair styles for the business woman she casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine style for social situations hey that's me i said to myself fingering my stringy little ponytail i asked for her card and gloria became my hairdresser then several months later i happened to see gloria at another event i overheard her chatting with a stylish gray-haired woman at the buffet table gloria was saying and we specialize in a wonderful array of blue rinses now that was news to me i didn't remember seeing one gray head in her salon as i was leaving the party gloria was out on the lawn talking animatedly with the host's teenage daughters oh yeah she was saying like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute styles good for you gloria like gloria the hairdresser give your response a once over before answering the inevitable what do you do when someone asks never give just a one word answer that's for forms if business networking is on your mind ask yourself how could my professional experience benefit this person's life for example here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return real estate agent financial planner martial arts instructor cosmetic surgeon hairdresser any practitioner of the above profession should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind every job has some benefit or you wouldn't get paid to do it the advice to these folks is don't say real estate agents say i help people moving into our area find the right home don't say financial planner say i help people plan their financial future don't say martial arts instructor say i help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts don't say cosmetic surgeon say i reconstruct people's faces after disfiguring accidents or if you're talking with a woman of a certain age as the french so gracefully say tell her i help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery don't say hairdresser say i help a woman find the right hair style for her particular face go gloria putting the benefit statement in your verbal nutshell resume brings your job to life and makes it memorable even if your new acquaintance can't use your services the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area wanting to plan their financial future thinking of self-defense considering cosmetic surgery or needing a new hairstyle who comes to mind not the unimaginative people who gave the tax return description of their jobs but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs a nutshell resume for your private life the nutshell resume works in non-business situations too since the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself prepare a few exciting stock answers when meeting a potential friend or loved one make your life sound like you will be a fun person to know as a young girl i wrote novels in my mind about my life leel squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour bravely reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane big deal mama asked me to close the windows when it started to rain still marching toward the open window i fancied myself the family's brave savior you don't need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated technique number 25 the nutshell resume just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written resume off their printers for each position they're applying for let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener before responding to what do you do ask yourself what possible interest could this person have in my answer could he refer business to me buy from me hire me marry my sister become my buddy wherever you go pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks 26 how to sound even smarter than you are did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn big for his tongue by the smile on the speaker's face and the gleam in his eye as the word limped off his lips you knew he was really proud of it to make matters worse he probably used the word incorrectly inappropriate a sexy deep male voice answered the dorm phone in faster than a speeding bullet voice like a nervous novice telemarketer i shot out hi this is leo we met at camp last summer remember forgetting to pause for his ascent i raced on well national cathedral schools promised this saturday night and i'd like you to be my date to my relief and delight i heard a big cheerful oh that's great i'd love to i exhaled my first normal breath all day he continued i'll pick you up at the girls dorm at 7 30. i'll have a pink carnation for you will that go with your dress and my name is donnie donnie donnie who said anything about donny well donny turned out to be the best date i had that decade donnie had buck teeth a head full of tousled red hair and communication skills that immediately put me at ease on saturday night donnie greeted me at the door carnation in hand and grin on face he joked self-deprecatingly about how he was dying to go to the prom so knowing it was a case of mistaken identity he accepted anyway he told me he was thrilled when the girl with the lovely voice called and he took full responsibility for tricking me into an invitation donnie made me comfortable and confident as we chatted first we made small talk and then he gradually led me into subjects i was interested in i flipped over donny and he became my very first boyfriend donnie instinctively had the small talk skills that we are now going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife through butter when you master them you will be able like donnie to melt the heart of everyone you touch the goal of how to talk to anyone is not of course to make you a small talk quiz and stop there the aim is to make you a dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator however small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal 10 how to start great small talk you've been there you're introduced to someone at a party or business meeting you shake hands your eyes meet and suddenly your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes come to a screeching halt you fish for a topic to fill the awkward silence failing your new contact slips away in the direction of the cheese tray we want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling witty and insightful we want our listeners to immediately recognize how riveting we are i was once at a gathering where everybody was sparkling witty insightful and riveting it drove me berserk because most of these same everybody's felt they had to prove it in their first 10 words or less several years ago the mensa organization a social group of extremely bright individuals who score in the country's top two percent in intelligence invited me to be a keynote speaker at their annual convention their cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby of the hotel as i arrived after checking in i hauled my bags through the horde of happy hour mansions to the elevator the doors separated and i stepped into an elevator packed with party goers as we began the journey up to our respective floors the elevator gave several sleepy jerks hmm i remarked in response to the elevator's sluggishness the elevator seems a little flaky suddenly each elevator occupant feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132 plus iq pounced forth with a thunderous explanation it's obviously got poor railguide alignment announced one the relay contact is not made up declared another suddenly i felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereo speaker i couldn't wait to escape the attack of the mental giants afterward in the solitude of my room i thought back and reflected that the men's answers were indeed interesting why then did i have an adverse reaction i realized it was too much too soon i was tired their high energy and intensity jarred my sluggish state you see small talk is not about facts or words it's about music about melody small talk is about putting people at ease it's about making comforting noises together like cats purring children humming or groups chanting you must first match your listeners mood like repeating the note on the music teacher's harmonica top communicators pick up on their listeners tone of voice and duplicate it instead of jumping in with such intensity the manson's could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying yes it is slow isn't it had they then prefaced their information with have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow i would have responded with a sincere yes i have after a moment of equalized energy levels i would have welcomed their explanations about the rail guard alignment or whatever the heck it was and friendships might have started i'm sure you've suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch have you ever been relaxing when some over excited hot breath colleague starts pounding you with questions or the reverse you're late rushing to a meeting when an associate stops you and starts lazily narrating a long languous story no matter how interesting the tale you don't want to hear it now the first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to match your listeners mood if only for a sentence or two when it comes to small talk think music not words is your listener adagio or allegro match that pace i call it make a mood match matching their mood can make or break the sale matching customers moods is crucial for salespeople some years ago i decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend stella it was going to be a triple whammy party because she was celebrating three events one it was stella's birthday two she was newly engaged and three stella had just landed her dream job she had been my buddy since grade school and i was floating on air over her birthday engagement congratulations bash i had heard one of the best french restaurants in town had an attractive back room for parties about 5 p.m one afternoon i walked it happily into the restaurant and found the seated metra d languidly looking over his reservation book i began excitedly babbling about stella's triple whammy celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room i'd heard so much about without a smile or moving a muscle he said zero means back you can go see it if you like crash what a party pooper his morose mood kicked all the party spirit out of me and i no longer wanted to rent his stupid space before i even looked at the room he lost the rental i left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion every mother knows this instinctively to quiet a whimpering infant mama doesn't just shake her finger and shout quiet down no mama picks baby up mama cries sympathetically matching baby's misery for a few moments mama then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy sounds your listeners are all big babies match their mood if you want them to stop crying start buying or otherwise come round to your way of thinking technique number 10 make a mood match before opening your mouth take a voice sample of your listener to detect his or her state of mind take a psychic photograph of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant bored or blitzed if you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts you must match their mood and voice tone if only for a moment eleven how to sound like you've got a super personality no matter what you're saying once while at a party i spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of avid listeners the chap was smiling gesticulating and obviously enthralling his audience i went over to hearken to this fascinating speaker i joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two suddenly it dawned on me the fellow was saying the most banal things his script was dull dull dull ah but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion and therefore he held the group spellbound it convinced me that it's not all what you say it's how you say it what's a good opening line when i meet people i am often asked this question and i give them the same answer a woman who once worked in my office always gave me dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch sometimes as i was leaving for the sandwich shop i'd ask her hey dottie what can i bring you back for lunch toddy trying to be obliging would say oh anything is fine with me no dotty i wanted to scream tell me what you want ham and cheese on rye bologna on whole wheat hold the mayo peanut butter and jelly with sliced bananas be specific anything is a hassle frustrating though it may be my answer to the opening line question is anything because almost anything you say really is okay as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate how do you put people at ease by convincing them they are okay and that the two of you are similar when you do that you break down walls of fear suspicion and mistrust why banal makes a bond samuel i hayakawa was a college president u.s senator and brilliant linguistic analyst of japanese origin he tells us this story that shows the value of as he says unoriginal remarks in early 1943 after the attack on pearl harbor at a time when there were rumors of japanese spies hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in oshkosh wisconsin he noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously because of the war they were apprehensive about his presence he later wrote one couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other so what did hayakawa do he made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease he said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on so cold a night the man agreed i went on hayakawa wrote to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules were so uncertain again the husband agreed i then asked the child's age and remarked that their child looked very big and strong for his age again agreement this time with a slight smile the tension was relaxing after two or three more exchanges the man asked hayakawa i hope you don't mind my bringing it up but you're japanese aren't you do you think the japs have any chance of winning this war well hayakawa replied your guess is as good as mine i don't know any more than i read in the papers but the way i figure it i don't see how the japanese with their lack of coal and steel and oil can never beat a powerfully industrialized nation like the united states hayakawa went on my remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed hundreds of radio commentators were saying much the same thing during those weeks but just because they were the remarks sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with the wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine relief his next remark was say i hope your folks aren't over there while the war is going on yes they are hayakawa replied my father and mother and two young sisters are over there do you ever hear from them the man asked how can i hayakawa answered both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic do you mean you won't be able to see them or hear from them until after the war is over there was more to the conversation but the result was within 10 minutes they had invited hayakawa whom they initially may have suspected was a japanese spy to visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in their home and all because of this brilliant scholars admittedly common and unoriginal small talk top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first word should be like senator hayakawa's unoriginal even banal but not indifferent hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sincerity and passion ascent from banality it is not necessary of course to stay with mundane remarks if you find your company displays cleverness or wit you match that the conversation then escalates naturally compatibly don't rush it or like the mentions you seem like you're showing off the bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness because remember people tune into your tone more than your text technique number 11 prosaic with passion worried about your first words fear not because eighty percent of your listeners impression has nothing to do with your words anyway almost anything you say at first is fine no matter how prosaic the text an empathetic mood a positive demeanor and passionate delivery make you sound exciting anything except liverwurst back to dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk sometimes as i walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to bring her she'd call after me anything except liverwurst that is thanks dottie that's a little bit of help here's my anything except liverwurst on smalltalk anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining rude or unpleasant if the first words out of your mouth are a complaint plan people label you a complainer why because that complaint is your new acquaintance's 100 percent sampling of you so far you could be the happiest pollyanna ever but how will they know if your first comment is a complaint you're a griper if your first words are rude you're a creep if your first words are unpleasant you're a stinker open and shut other than these downers anything goes ask them where they're from how they know the host of the party where they bought the lovely suit they're wearing or hundreds of etc the trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers let's take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating i'll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties then nine more to make small talk not so small 12. how to make people want to start a conversation with you singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the benefit of introduction in the vernacular making a pickup have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally well for social or corporate networking purposes the technique requires no exceptional skill on your part only the courage to sport a simple visual prop called a what's it what's a what's it a what's it is anything you wear or carry that is unusual a unique pin an interesting purse a strange tie or an amusing hat a whatsit is any object that draws people's attention and inspires them to approach you and ask what's that your whatsit can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit i wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resembles a double monocle often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked what's it i explain it's a lornette left to me by my grandmother which of course paves the way to discuss hatred of glasses aging eyes love or loss of grandmother's adoration of antique jewelry anywhere the inquisitor wants to take it perhaps unknowingly you have fallen prey to this soon-to-be legendary technique at a gathering have you ever noticed someone you would like to talk to then you've wracked your brain to conjure an excuse to make the approach what a bounty it was to discover that he or she was wearing some weird wild or wonderful something you could comment on the what's it way to love your what's it is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or new romance my friend alexander carries greek worry beads with him wherever he goes he's not worried he knows any woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say what's that think about it gentlemen suppose you're at a party an attractive woman spots you across the room she wants to talk to you but she's thinking well mister you're attractive but golly what can i say to you you just ain't got no what's it be a what's it seeker to likewise become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish to approach why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon's vest pocket the brooch on the bosom of the rich divorcee or the school ring on the finger of the ceo whose company you want to work for the big spender who you suspect might buy a hundred of your widgets has a tiny golf club lapel pin say excuse me i couldn't help but notice your attractive lapel pin are you a golfer me too what courses have you played your business cards and your whatsit are crucial socializing artifacts whether you are riding in the elevator climbing the doorstep or traversing the path to the party make sure your whatsit is hanging out for all to see technique number 12 always wear a what's it whenever you go to a gathering wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach excuse me i couldn't help but notice your what is that the next quickie technique was originated by doggedly determined politicians who don't let one party go or escape if they think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns i call it the who's that technique 13. how to meet the people you want to meet say you have scrutinized the body of the important business contact you want to meet you searched in vain from the tip of his cowlick to the toes of his boots he's not sporting a single what's it if you strike out on finding something to comment on resort to the who's that technique like a persistent politician go to the party giver and say that man or woman over there looks interesting who is he or she then ask for an introduction don't be hesitant the party giver will be pleased you find one of the guests interesting if however you are loath to pull the party giver away from his or her other guests you can still perform who's at this time don't ask for a formal introduction simply pump the party giver for just enough information to launch you find out about the stranger's jobs interests and hobbies suppose the party giver says oh that's joe smith i'm not sure what his job is but i know he loves to ski you've just been given the icebreaker you need now you make a beeline for joe smith hi you're joe smith aren't you susan was just telling me what a great skier you are where do you ski you get the idea technique number thirteen who's at who's that is the most effective least used by non-politicians meeting people device ever contrived simply ask the party giver to make the introduction or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers now the third in our little trio of meeting who you want tricks 14. how to break into a tight crowd the woman you've decided you must meet is wearing know what's it can't find the host for the who's that technique to make matters worse she's deep in conversation with a group of her friends seems quite hopeless that you will maneuver a meeting doesn't it you can't just say excuse me i just thought i'd eavesdrop in and say hello no obstacle blocks the resolute politician who always has a trick or ten up his or her sleeve a politico would resort to the eavesdrop in technique eavesdropping of course conjures images of clandestine activities wiretapping watergate break-ins or spies skulking around in the murky shadows eavesdropping has historical precedent with politicians so in a pinch it naturally comes to mind at parties stand near the group of people you wish to infiltrate then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break into the group excuse me i couldn't help overhearing that you and then whatever is relevant here for example i couldn't help overhearing your discussion of bermuda i'm going there next month for the first time any suggestions now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to your intended technique number 14 eavesdrop in no whatsit no host for who's that no problem just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with excuse me i couldn't help it over here will they be taken aback momentarily will they get over it momentarily will you be in the conversation absolutely let us now hop back on the train that first explored small talk city and travel to the land of meaningful communicating fifteen how to make where are you from sound exciting you wouldn't dream of going to a party naked and i hope you wouldn't dream of letting your conversation be exposed naked and defenseless against the two inevitable assaults where are you from and what do you do when asked these questions most people like clunking a frozen steak on a china platter drop a brick of frozen geography or battling job title on the asker's conversational platter then they slap on the muzzle you're at a convention everyone you meet will of course ask and where are you from when you give them the short form naked city answer oh i'm from muscatine iowa or millinocket maine winnemucca nevada or anywhere they haven't heard of what can you expect except a blank stare even if you're a relatively big city slicker from denver colorado detroit michigan or san diego california you'll receive a panicked look from all but american history professors they're rapidly racking their brains thinking what do i say next even the names of world-class birds like new york chicago washington and los angeles inspire less than riveting responses when i tell people i'm from new york city what are they expected to say does seen any good muggings lately do humanity and yourself a favor never ever give just a one sentence response to the question where are you from give the asker some fuel for his tank some fodder for his trough give the hungry communicator something to conversationally nibble on all it takes is an extra sentence or two about your city some interesting fact some witty observation to hook the asker into the conversation several months ago a trade association invited me to be its keynote speaker on networking and teaching people to be better conversationalists just before my speech i was introduced to mrs devlin who was the head of the association how do you do she asked how do you do i replied then mrs devlin smiled anxiously awaiting a sample of my stimulating conversational expertise i asked her where she was from she plunked a frozen columbus ohio and a big expectant grin on my platter i had to quickly thaw her answer into digestible conversation my mind thrashed into action leo's thought pattern gulp columbus ohio i've never been there hmm criminy what do i know about columbus i know a fellow named jeff a successful speaker who lives there but columbus is too big to ask if she knows him and besides only kids play the do you know so and so game my panicked silent search continued i think it's named after christopher columbus but i'm not sure so i better keep my mouth shut on that one four or five other possibilities raced through my mind but i rejected them all as too obvious too adolescent or too off the wall i realized by now that seconds had passed and mrs devlin was still standing there with a slowly dissipating smile on her face she was waiting for me the expert who within the hour was expected to teach her trade association lessons on scintillating conversation to spew forth words of wit or wisdom oh columbus gee i mumbled in desperation watching her face fall into the worried expression of a patient being asked by the surgeon knife poised in hand where's your appendix i never came up with stimulating conversation on columbus but just then under the knife i created the following technique for posterity i call it never the naked city technique number 15 never the naked city whenever someone asks you the inevitable and where are you from never ever unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on then when they say something clever in response to your bait they think you're a great conversationalist different bait for shrimp or sharks a fisherman uses different bait to bag bass or bluefish and you will obviously throw out different conversational bait to snag simple shrimp or sophisticated sharks your hook should relate to the type of person you're speaking with i'm originally from washington dc if someone at say an art gallery asked me where i was from i might answer washington dc design you know by the same city planner who designed paris this opens the conversational possibilities to the artistry of city planning paris other cities plans european travel and so forth at a social party of singles i'd opt for another answer i'm from washington dc the reason i left is there were seven women to every man when i was growing up now the conversation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of being single the perceived lack of desirable men everywhere or even flirtatious possibilities in a political group i'd cast a current fact from the constantly evolving political face of washington no need to speculate on the multitude of conversational possibilities that unlocks where do you get your conversational bait start by phoning the chamber of commerce or historical society of your town search the world wide web and click on your town or open an old fashioned encyclopedia all rich sources for future stimulating conversations learn some history geography business statistics or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends funny bones the devlin debacle inspired further research the minute i got home i called the columbus chamber of commerce and the historical society say you too are from columbus ohio and your new acquaintance lays it on you where are you from when you are talking with a business person your answer could be i'm from columbus ohio you know many major corporations do their product testing in columbus because it's so commercially typical in fact it's been called the most american city in america they say if it booms or bombs in columbus it booms or bombs nationally talking with someone with a german last name tell her about columbus's historic german village with the brick streets and the wonderful 1850s style little houses it's bound to inspire stories of the old country your conversation partners surname is italian tell him genoa italy is columbus's sister city talking with an american history buff tell him that columbus was indeed named after christopher columbus and that a replica of the santa maria is anchored in the sciota river talking with a student tell her about the five universities in columbus the possibilities continue you suspect your conversation partner has an artistic bent ah you throw out casually columbus is the home of artist george bellows columbusites prepare some tasty snacks for askers even if you know nothing about them here's a goodie tell them you always have to say columbus ohio because there is also a columbus arkansas columbus georgia columbus indiana columbus kansas columbus kentucky columbus mississippi columbus montana columbus nebraska columbus new jersey columbus new mexico columbus north carolina columbus north dakota columbus pennsylvania columbus texas and columbus wisconsin that spreads the conversational possibilities to 15 other states remember as a quotable notable once said no man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next a post script to the hellish experience i had with columbus months later i mentioned the trauma to my speaker friend from columbus jeff jeff explained his house was really in a smaller town just minutes outside columbus what town jeff gehenna ohio gehenna means hell in hebrew he said and then went on to explain why he thought ancient hebrew historians were clairvoyant thanks jeff i knew you'd never lay a naked city on any of your listeners 16. how to come out a winner every time they ask and what do you do third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance will soon chirp and what do you do is it fitting and proper they should make that query we'll pick up that sticky wicket later for the moment these few defensive moves help you keep your crackerjack communicator credentials when asked the inevitable question first like never the naked city don't toss a short shrift answer in response to the asker's breathless inquiry you leave the poor fish flopping on the deck when you just say your title i'm an actuary an auditor an author an astrophysicist have mercy so he or she doesn't feel like a nincompoop outsider asking what uh kind of actualizing auditing authoring or astrophysicizing do you do you're an attorney don't leave it to layman to try to figure out what you really do flesh it out tell a little story your conversation partner can get a handle on for example if you're talking with a young mother say i'm an attorney our firm specializes in employment law in fact now i'm involved in a case where a company actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave that was a medical necessity a mother can relate to that talking with a business owner say i'm an attorney our firm specializes in employment law my current case concerns an employer who is being sued by one of her staff for asking personal questions during the initial job interview a business owner can relate to that technique number 16 never the naked job when asked the inevitable and what do you do you may think i'm an economist an educator an engineer is giving enough information to engender good conversation however to one who is not an economist educator or an engineer you might as well be saying i'm a paleontologist psychoanalyst pornographer flesh it out throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on otherwise they'll soon excuse themselves preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray painful memories of naked job flashers i still harbor painful recollections of being tongue-tied when confronted by naked job flashers like the time a fellow at a dinner party told me i'm a nuclear scientist my week oh that must be fascinating reduced me to a mental molecule in his eyes the chap on my other side announced i'm in industrial abrasives and then paused waiting for me to be impressed my well uh golly you must have to be a shrewd judge of character to be in industrial abrasives didn't fly either we three sat in silence the rest of the meal just last month a new acquaintance bragged i'm planning to teach tibetan buddhism at truckee meadows community college and then clammed up i knew less about trucking meadows than i did about tibetan buddhism whenever people ask you what you do give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they can catch their breath and say something seventeen how to introduce people like the hostess with the mostest it is important to help newly mets through their first nervous moments susan i'd like you to meet john smith john this is susan jones duh what do you expect john and susan to say smith um that's s-m-i-t-h isn't it uh golly susan well now that's an interesting name nice try forget it don't blame john or susan for being less than scintillating the fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most people introduce their friends to each other with naked names they cast out a line with no bait for people to sink their teeth into big winners may not talk a lot but conversation never dies unwillingly in their midst they make sure of it with techniques like never the naked introduction when they introduce people they buy an insurance policy on the conversation with a few simple add-ons susan i'd like you to meet john john has a wonderful boat we took a trip on last summer john this is susan smith susan is editor-in-chief of shoestring gourmet magazine padding the introduction gives susan the opportunity to ask what kind of boat john has or where the group went it gives john an opening to discuss his love of writing or of cooking or a food the conversation can then naturally expand to travel in general life on boats past vacations favorite recipes restaurants budgets diets magazines editorial policy to infinity if you're not comfortable mentioning someone's job during the introduction mention their hobby or even a talent the other day at a gathering the hostess introduced a man named gilbert she said leo i'd like you to meet gilbert gilbert's gift is sculpting he makes beautiful wax carvings i remember thinking gift now that's a lovely way to introduce someone and induce conversation technique number 17 never the naked introduction when introducing people don't throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam leaving the newly mets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things then you're free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity armed with these two personality enhancers three conversation igniters and three small extenders it is time to take a step up the communications ladder let us now rise from small talk and seek the path to more meaningful dialogue the next technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your conversation partner 18 how to resuscitate a dying conversation even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while making love is it good for you too honey knows not to ask a colleague is the conversation good for you too yet he wonders we all do but the following technique set your mind at rest you can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone with whom you speak like my prom date donnie you will miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners be a sleuth on their slips of the tongue no matter how elusive the clue sherlock holmes is confident he'll soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass like the unerring detective big winners know no matter how elusive the clue they'll find the right topic how they become word detectives i have a young friend nancy who works in a nursing home nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are she laments she has difficulty relating to them nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman named mrs otis whom she could never get to open up to her one day nancy confided right after all those rainstorms we had last week just to make conversation i remarked to mrs otis terrible storms we had last week don't you think well nancy continued mrs otis practically jumped down my throat she said in a snippy voice it's been good for the plants i asked nancy how she responded to that what could i say nancy answered the woman was obviously cutting me off did you ever think to ask mrs otis if she liked plants plants nancy asked well yes i suggested mrs otis brought the subject up i asked nancy to do me a favor ask her i begged nancy resisted