yeah she's really U she's really angry with him uh she's telling the boys boys shouldn't want [Music] dolls what would dad say if he knew what he'd be so disappointed uh she's she's asking him how he could do such a thing and she's saying that she's she's very very disappointed in him she can't believe that he could do this and he oh he's so upset he's he's screaming he's screaming to her that he's sorry just screaming but she won't believe him she won't uh he's asking for a hug and she's she's she's just pushing her hand out to reject him oh he's so he feels crushed just he feels so bad he's upset his mom and he feels terrible about that he feels like he's a really really bad kid and he's just he's holding himself and he's crying and he's rocking it's just inconsolable it's awful BR k it is does this young boy part know that you're there yeah he knows he knows he knows I'm here with him there with him he's so unhappy ask him if he'd be interested in letting go of his unhappiness if it was possible he says yeah yeah he would really like to do that yes yeah so he's holding a lot so um just check with him to make sure that he's told you everything he has okay that's great all right so now we can help him out we can help him to get out of there um you get it right you get everything he's told you you do yeah good good all right all right lovely uh let's just check before we get him out of there are there any parts that are concerned about him releasing these burdens and not being stuck where he is any longer uh the part that um that likes to please Mom that likes to make Mom happy um that part saying what what's it going to do now all right so let this part that works so hard to please its mom know that it can still do that the difference is it won't be driven to do that by the shame that this other part feels it can just choose to do it okay yeah yeah it gets that yeah it's good with that good any other parts with concerns no they're all good all good I think okay so would this part like you to go there to help it release what it's is holding or would it like to come here uh it wants me to go back there he's so alone back there he wants me to go back and be with him all right so you're going to invite him now to take all of that stuff that he shared with you all these burdens he's been holding the beliefs about himself the feelings of being so sad and so scared all the time he's going to take all of that stuff bundle it all up and then he's going to send it away and he's going to send it away to Earth or fire or air or water or light or something else but he's going to send it away in such a way that it'll never come back to him okay just invite him to do that fire fire he says if it's burned it can never come back so he's building a building a big fire to put them all in great just let me know when that's done okay okay that's a big fire okay everything's burning all turning to Ash blowing away that's great now ask him what he' like to take into himself that will help him move into the future now that he's released these burdens he's been holding well he says love for himself he's just taking a big breath to fill up his whole body with that and now playfulness want to be playful and confidence okay okay he's showing me that he's skipping which um loves to do and it's okay for him to do it doesn't mean he's a girl that sounds like he's doing great where would he like to settle now in your system he says in in my heart he wants to live in my heart wants to remind me me to be playful that's cute okay is that okay with you that he settles there sure yeah yeah be good to have in there all right sounds like he's doing okay so uh let him know that for now you're going to withdraw the focused attention from him and just uh bring your attention back to your system what I'd like to do is issue an invitation to any and all parts that have ever known about this kid uh to notice that he's not there anymore he's not stuck back where he was he's in a very different place and uh see if there's any comments or concerns from any parts of the system about the work you've done today no they they all seem pretty good actually all right so bring your attention back to your boy boyfriend saying he doesn't want to go to your mother's birthday celebration and to the fight that you had okay what parts do you notice now well I don't know I think he's got every right to his feelings um I think I'll suggest to both of them that we go over maybe every other year so that they they they both get their say he should be okay with that she might get a bit Huffy but she'll come around and that feels okay now yeah yeah that feels right yeah thank you so notice how this session started with a complaint about the partner but that was just the trigger for the internal work and this is the value of the internal family systems model for couples as well when the partner your partner has triggered something in you the work actually goes back within your own system and has very little to do with what's going on with your partner and when you're able to do that healing work the part of you that's been affected your relationship with your partner will become also more harmonious now some people's systems do not want to open to this work there seems to be some I don't know psychological mindedness about it and that's okay if your system doesn't want to open to this it doesn't want to open to this that's fine this work is also more complex if you're if you have a highly polarized system so if you're working with addiction or you've got an um uh addicted part and then a critical manager part that may be something that you need more help with uh if you've experienced trauma in your life again it's going to be very difficult for your system to open up so the invitation there is to see if you can spend a couple of sessions with an ifs therapist just to um begin to see what what becomes possible for you um often people have impatient Parts I want to get this done I want to get it done faster and when you're working with your system you're really working with a team so that impatient part is when I want to climb the hill and put the flag on the top and that's great however because it's a team there's also parts that have uh their bums in the ground looking at the hill thinking I don't want to go up that hill and you got to work with the whole team uh the whole system when you're working parts often like to be spoken for once they know that you're around and so I've set up a Facebook page which is me and my parts if you want to talk to other people or uh post information about the parts that you're working with that's a good place to do it um you could email from a part you can journal to and from Parts there's various ways you can work with your parts uh there is a handout uh that accompanies this video and it's available on my website Blog Page and on the Facebook ifs me and my parts page uh it's called exploring the self uh if you get stuck consider one or two sessions with an ifs therapist the nice things about this work is you don't need to commit to years and years of therapy you can and many people do and that's very helpful you can also contract two or three sessions with a therapist to work on a specific part or issue um you can work with me if I'm available you can contact the center for self leadership and they have ifs therapists uh that they can recommend uh or I could recommend somebody for you finally a part of me would like to hear your feedback uh so if you found this video helpful I'd appreciate it if you could post a comment on YouTube just to say whatever if it's helpful it's helpful I'd like to hear back from you um good luck and have fun getting to know your system and your parts