i want to talk to you about something really important today of course most of the things i talk about i think are really important but in this particular case this is something we really need to understand it's basic and foundational to every one of our relationships and that's the distinctions among being independent being codependent and being interdependent and i want to go into that in some detail today so that you really understand the differences and you can make better choices it's important for us to realize excuse me that we can get into a situation where there is no independence to begin with so we may have gone from being dependent on friends to being dependent on a partner and we have never been independent we may have thought we were independent but i'm speaking about emotional independence so emotional independence says i am a stand-alone person i'm happy with my own company i can't approve of myself i do not need other people to validate me constantly although now and again is nice but i'm good i'm good on my own well many people don't get to that place initially in their life before they get into romantic relationships so first of all we want to be independent now when people come to me and they say i'm in a relationship with a hijackal you know that's my term for the people who are relentlessly difficult the people who hijack relationships for their own purposes and then relentlessly scavenge them for power status and control if you're in relationship with a hijackal you are best to very first once you realize it do your own work people always say what should i do what should i do and i say if there's no physical or sexual abuse then do your own work first because you need to become that strong independent person that strong empowered person who can stand on his or her own before you leave that would be ideal so independent means i know who i am i live in alignment with my values i am not pushed and pulled by other people's opinion of me and too great a direction and i know where i'm going and what i want to do i know what i want to attract in my life i know what makes me happy i know what to avoid so it's a pretty healthy place to be is independent and then we decide we want someone in our life well if we're not independent we may very well be codependent meaning that i'm going to lean on somebody else i need the other person so that may be one person independent and the other codependent needing the other person for approval because the code dependent person doesn't know who they are unless the other person validates them so they're always looking for approval they're always needy they always need support they always need a reflection of who they are in the eyes of the other person in order to feel good enough now sometimes it happens that two codependent people come together when that happens oh my goodness we get an enmeshed a meshed relationship and when that is the case these two people are completely dependent on each other they are codepen they don't know who they are they're so enmeshed that they have this idea this romantic notion they think that we're supposed to become as one there's a better way to become as one than to be codependent that you need someone else to define you you can't imagine your life without that other person you absolutely need them you're desperate without them you would fall apart and shatter in small pieces and codependency is a not very pleasant way to live your life because what if that other person dies what if that other person leaves who are you how do you know what to do how do you know how to get up in the morning how do you know what pleases you how do you know what the next best steps for you are so codependency is unhealthy what we really want to be is interdependent two independent people who know who they are know what they want know what they want in a partner come together and choose to interact so their fine apart better together but find a part right do you see the distinction i don't need the other person i want the other person i'm good i can stand alone i can manage i feel more whole when i'm with the other person not i can't stand alone i can't manage and i need the other person it's a big difference and especially when we're going to get into the realm of hijackals because if you are in a situation where you are codependent a hijackal has radar for that they are looking for that they are looking for somebody they can mold they're looking for somebody who wants to please them in fact they prefer you not only wanted to please them but you would want to please them to the degree that you would become a doormat and they could walk all over you and they have radar for that just as i tell all my clients you need to have radar for hijackals hijackals have radar for codependents and people-pleasers and doormats then they can have ultimate power and control they can say or do anything they want to you and you'll take it if you happen to fall into that category or you'll take it for way too long so they're looking for that so what can you do now you know about my program seeing the cycles if you happen to be with a hijackal or you think you might be make sure that you look at that program get that program it's a home study program seeing the cycles you can get it on my website for relationshiphelp.com click on books and programs know what you're dealing with then do your own work get some help get some clarity maybe awful things happen to you when you were growing up we organically become codependent it's not something we decide to do it's something that happened to us and then there we are so when we wake up and we say oh you know i'm really thinking maybe i think i can't live without another human being a particular other human being then maybe i have some work to do and that would be a great starting point and i'd love to work with you on that because then you will become independent and when you are independent you are in a great place to see red flags and to decide what's going on and decide when something doesn't sit well with you and you're not about how can i please the other person how can i get the other person because the hijackal is out to get you and as quickly as possible so it's a very important distinction independent first standalone able to stand up not needy codependent or mutually codependent not healthy you don't feel good about yourself you you think that you are defined by the other person what do we want two independent people coming together and creating interdependence where you have equality and reciprocity and mutuality where you can talk about anything where you're safe to be vulnerable where there's mutual respect and trust this is what we want this is what we have to have and if you don't have it you can build it now if you're with a hijackal you can't build it in the relationship you have to build it within yourself so that you can see what will happen in the hijackal relationship once you become empowered and independent because there's no emotional intimacy in a relationship that's codependent you can't because you're both afraid somebody will find out you know and use the use the information against you they will weaponize your vulnerability if you're with a hijackal they will definitely weaponize your your vulnerability if you're with a hijackal a good example would be that one night you're feeling really really close to them and everything seems wonderful and you're opening yourself because as susan campbell says the word intimacy means into me see so you're opening yourself letting them see in and maybe you say something in the example i've used before like you know i'm really afraid of the dark and your hijackal partner says oh i didn't know that about you honey that's awful tell me about that and you tell them and you think oh we had a beautiful moment and then you're out in public somewhere maybe with a couple of other couples and all of a sudden out of your hijackal partner's mouth comes oh don't worry about her she's afraid of the dark there you are exposed vulnerable what you thought was closeness and intimacy turned into a weapon to be used against you and when there's no emotional intimacy we're never going to be happy in a relationship you know how it is if you've been with a hijackal you crave emotional intimacy you crave that person seeing you caring about who you are knowing what it is you want to need and the same coming from you that would be this but it isn't because when we're with a hijacker we get more and more like this because that's what they want us to do and so we then have to realize whoa i was an independent person before i got with this hijacker let me get back to that place so the three things today independence yay codependence no interdependence yes okay clear remember you can always contact me at for relationship help dot com come on over get my tips for relationships newsletter see all the things that are there for you get the seeing the cycles program or go to my youtube channel for relationship help lots there for you and if you want intimate conversation become a member at focus on forward you can do that at for relationshiphelp.com talk soon and let's move towards independence okay you got it great