Hi there I'm coach Craig Kenneth and in today's
video I'm going to be talking to you guys about the best strategy to get an ex back ok so what
I'm going to do is I'm going to start off by giving you an overview of things and how we work
so you can understand why this strategy works ok human beings are very social we form bonds and
become attached to others and we're biologically wired to do that now in relationships we can feel
abandoned or we can feel smothered it's a struggle and I talk about that in great detail in my video
the struggle of intimacy so depending upon our needs at a certain time and our partners behavior
we might feel abandoned by them or smothered by them okay if we come on too strong and we're
being needy and clingy and controlling we're going to make our partner feel trapped now when
we do that their instinct is to push us away in many cases they break up with us so let's say
that we're trying to be controlling or we keep telling them how much we need them and they start
to feel trapped they break up with us now we feel disconnected from them when we feel disconnected
from someone that were attached to we start to feel anxiety and all anxiety is separation anxiety
it literally causes us pain physical pain so in an effort to pull them back close to us weeping we
begin to cry and beg plead and and you know ask for another chance but you have to remember
they were already feeling trapped so that's a big reason they broke up with us to begin with
was they were feeling trapped and now your brain is you know not thinking straight because of the
anxiety and your idea is to try and trap them even more okay so it's not gonna work so if someone
breaks up with you you have to simply agree with the break-up you don't have to like it you don't
have to you know say oh this is great I'm happy about this right and you know of course not but
you're just going to be like okay you know if that's what you want I understand I love you I
want to be with you I want to work this out so give me a call if you change your mind that is
a position of strength and it shows that you are secure and confident even if you're not feeling
that way it's okay if you don't feel that way as long as your behaviors present in that way nobody
knows what you're feeling so here's the strategy if someone breaks up with you don't contact them
for any reason ever again now your brain might be thinking what because it's the exact opposite
of what you want to do but that's what makes it work it's very counterintuitive and a lot of
the things that we do in our relationships that cause attraction are counterintuitive there's a
ton of bad advice online telling you to do all these stupid things from people that have no idea
no kind of education no kind of understanding of relationships anxiety any of that stuff trust me
it's garbage writing them a handwritten letter three days after they broke up with you is I'm
going to get them back they're already feeling trapped so and just say that again somebody
breaks up with you don't contact them for any reason now you're not trying to be a jerk you're
just you're gonna understand why in a minute see if you were acting needy and clingy and you pushed
your partner away any form of contact that you do is going to push them away even more what they
need to feel is separation anxiety from you and that's only going to happen this is the only way
it happens is if you don't contact them for any reason I cannot stress this enough most you guys
are going to try and look for some stupid excuse to contact them some kind of nonsense reason and
they're going to see right through it just like I do when you tell me about it now what happens
is when you use your stupid reason and in your mind you're like oh this is a great reason no
you're just trying to relieve your own anxiety what happens is you contact them and any kind
of anxiety they felt over losing you vanishes because now they know they still have you so don't
contact them for any reason because they must feel separation anxiety now you're going to understand
why and this is huge this is absolutely huge okay very few therapists even understand or know about
what I'm about to tell you okay anxiety leads to the beginnings of desire I'm going to say that
again because this is really big anxiety leads to the beginnings of desire the things that we
are anxious about are the things that we desire like the opposite side of a coin the anxiety
and desire go hand in hand let me just give a quick example for example in your childhood if
your parents had financial stress at some point and it was really felt in the family you're going
to have some anxiety about money and as an adult you're probably going to desire money because
it makes you feel safer okay so anxiety leads to desire so another way to look at it is some
what someone desires is what they were anxious about here's a great example this is awesome I
was just talking about this with one eye like really good female friends her boyfriend lives
out of the country so he recently told her that he wasn't sure about things anymore and what
happened her attraction level shot through the roof to the point where on a whim she flew out of
the country to go see him and she told me she was like instantly she was like oh my god I'm so in
love with him I'm crazy in love with him I can't take it I have to be with him I love this guy so
much because he said he wasn't sure the anxiety in her triggered her desire and it just shot
up instantly and believe me if you know what she paid for that flight you could drop your jaw
with drop but the second she became anxious about losing him her interest level shot up and this
is one of my favorite female friends to talk to about relationships because she's very good at
understanding herself when things like this happen and I use her in other examples too um but if you
think about the picture that I always describe to sum up attraction I always talk about that image
of he loves me he loves me not picking the daisies well if you think about it that image is rooted
in anxiety the anxiety he loves me he loves me not that's the anxiety the separation anxiety and
what is it doing it's fueling her desire so I got an email here from Eric that discusses the success
of the strategy from somebody who I did a coaching with recently he said hey Craig I cannot believe
it but your advice worked ayuh dated a girl for a year I had no idea she needed space I was clueless
she broke up with me and I was absolutely crushed we've been there right we've all been there
thankfully I did a coaching with you and you told me do not contact her for any reason the funny
thing is that I felt great after our coaching and was gonna stick with the no-contact but here's
the crazy part my good friend was going through a breakup too only he got dumped about three weeks
before I did I told him what we had talked about and he said I was going to lose her forever if I
stuck with your ideas I panicked and I got anxious that anxiety is going to cause you to screw it
up you gotta watch my video have discipline or fail and sign up for a coaching when you guys
need me that's what I'm here for go to ask Craig dotnet and sign up for that coaching guys I
don't want you guys to screw this up because your behavior is very critical and I want to know
your story I've been a therapist since 2002 I can help you so he goes on to say he told me he
had planned a grand gesture and it sounded great I pictured in my head and it seemed so romantic
the grand gestures only work in the movies I have done them they do not work they they
do the opposite of what you want to happen I tried it okay my advice works so he says so
my friend actually went to her house to do the grand gesture and another guy answered the door
oh that's awful think about that for a minute this dude's been planning some grand gesture
for probably weeks we don't know what as he doesn't say what it is I don't even want to know
it is I probably cry for the guy and another dude answers the door meanwhile she it she told him
she didn't want a relationship yeah let me tell you something all that means is that she didn't
want a relationship with your buddy he says I felt awful I love my friend but he gives terrible
advice I'm just ticking with you Craig yeah your uh your anxiety causes your thinking to be cloudy
and let me tell you something that's just the way anxiety works is when you have this anxiety it
just messes with your brain and it's like puts you in a fog and you can't think clearly when
you get to this point all of the thinking and the ideas that you're gonna have are just going
to mess it up contact me immediately guys I can help I've been there I know what I'm talking about
I'm here to help you I want to see you guys have successful relationships I want to be able to
help you get your ex back but whatever you're thinking and that anxious state is only gonna
push them away further I've done it believe me so he goes on to say so as hard as it was I
didn't call her Oh finally it's thinking in now huh that almost cost you your ex that almost
cost you getting your relationship back going with your friend's advice because when I tell you
guys no contact I'm talking about no contact for any reason no calling texting no social media no
likes on their Instagram no retweeting anything you can think of I don't know what social media
is going to be out there next week don't do it for any reason you must stop all forward movement
your attitude is going to be you're moving on with your life and you're not looking back they have to
feel they have to understand that if they don't do something they are going to lose you forever the
reason you want this to happen is because they must feel separation anxiety remember what I said
earlier anxiety is the beginnings of desire so let me go on with this email he says sure enough after
a few months she sent me a text message saying she missed me she texted me in the evening around 8:30
so I waited until after work the next day yes he's getting it you've been listening remember when
somebody breaks up with you they are no longer a priority in your life they left you they treated
you like you were on sale you were on clearance and they were on there getting rid of you they you
you want them to understand if they break up with you you're moving on you're not hanging around
you're gonna go out on dates and they might lose you forget good so what you did here was great you
waited into the next day so after she was anxious about sending me that text message so now what
happened you didn't text her back right away so now she had anxiety all night when she woke up in
the morning she looked at her phone she just saw you didn't text back she had more anxiety all day
long looking at her phone more anxiety wanting to hear from you more and more as the day goes on but
you wait until a reasonable time after work and then you texted her back that's great people have
to have a consequence if they leave you otherwise they're just going to do it again they can't
think that they're just going to get you back after breaking up with you and breaking your heart
so he says I did as you instructed and told her to come over to my place with a bottle of wine she
came over and we cooked dinner I kept reminding myself of what you say that women are attracted
to men whose feelings are unclear I didn't tell her I missed her or any of my feelings I just
laughed with her and was playful awesome he's doing a great job and what happened we hooked up
that night I'm gonna do what you said and wait for her to call me or contact me again yes I know you
say she has to come to me at least two more times to start earning me back and I'm going to make
her do it that is an awesome success story I'm so glad and unfortunately for your friend he is he
just cost himself his relationship and he almost cost you yours but I'm pumped for you you have
to let her do 100% of the contacting for the next probably a few months then you could cut it back
to 80% you always want a woman to be contacting you like 80% of the time why because if a woman
is chasing you she's not going to be getting rid of you I have a second email here from Charles he
says hey Craig what do I do after a girl breaks up with me and wants to stay friends my girlfriend
broke up with me a few weeks ago she said she still wants to be friends but she doesn't want
to be in a relationship right now all that means is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship
with you right now now she may not want to hurt your feelings but the truth will out of this is
is that if her attraction level was high enough she wouldn't break up with you for any reason
that's the way women are if their attraction is super high and they love you enough they won't
leave you for anything or anybody now I always hear stories about guys that are getting dumped
and the girl says well I just don't want to be in a relationship right now which is true because
like I tell you guys all the time when a woman is telling you something it's how she's feeling in
that moment yes in that moment she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but three days
from now when you hear she's texting someone new that's cos how that's how she's feeling in that
moment that's why women are they're wired very differently than us guys they go by how they're
feeling in the moment and that's why you have to have real strength and security as a guy and
I talked about this in my other videos where no matter what her interest level is you have
to be confident so even if her interest level drops to a zero you have to be fine with it you
always have to be fine with whatever her interest level is so he asks do you think I should try to
spend time with her as free tends to try and get her back absolutely not no no no no no no no
she might want to date other people and keep you as backup if someone breaks up with you a
lot of times it means they have someone lined up someone that they're thinking about considering
some replacement what for you a good friend once told me a man doesn't throw away his only pair
of shoes think about it so you have to understand that a girl putting you in friendzone is basically
cushioning the pain of the break-up for her so now they've got somebody new lined up and now they've
got you as backup in the friendzone so here's it's a win-win for them they've got somebody new
to think about and fantasize about this new guy and now they're keeping you hanging in the
background because she knows you don't want to just be friends and if you settle for that you're
never gonna get what you want so you're gonna be sitting there thinking oh if I'm just friends with
her long enough we'll work it out meanwhile she's going out with other dates on other dates hooking
up with other guys let's be realistic that's what adults do you don't want them to keep you in
friendzone so they can take you back if they want right I don't know why put that in quotations
they have to feel the anxiety of losing you that only happens if you cut off contact 100% and I
mean 100% because I talked to female friends all the time if a an ex texts them even once every
two three weeks every few months she knows she still has them there's no anxiety there they know
they got you and remember anxiety triggers desire so if a woman breaks up with you and they say they
want to be friends you want to be sweet kind and sincere with them and just say you know you don't
want to be friends you're moving on with your life you you love them you still desire them you want
to be intimate with them you want romance with them you can't just be friends you won't just
be friends and to call you if they change their mind just leave the door open for them but at
that point you have to walk and never look back now if she starts dating someone new she might
even get serious with something that somebody new you have to remember that most guys don't
know how to make a relationship work she might go on three dates with some new dude and be
like oh my god what am i doing this guy is a loser maybe he's just trying to get in her pants
he probably doesn't even care about her and then she's going to be like well you know Charles was
always there for me he was a great guy for me I got to get him back and she's got to work to get
you back right uh you have to remember that they have to work to get you back let them sit there
and think about you let them have anxiety over losing you and they will wonder about you now
when she contacts you this is important guys pay attention here when she contacts you assume
she wants to see you now because she's got a work to get you back she must come you at least three
times come to your place cook dinner have wine hang out have a good time together but she must
come to you you can't be taking a girl out on some great expensive evening when she just left
you and started dating somebody else what does that say about your value it says you have a low
value of yourself and that's not what I'm teaching you guys like I said don't go to her she must
initiate 100% of the contacting and come to you oh if you guys liked this video make sure you
put a like on that and subscribe to my channel I post videos Monday through Friday understand
every situation is different every breakup is different and when you want to get my help
personally go to ask Craig net and sign up for the coaching option that works best for you
I'm here for you guys I want to know your story I can help you out so just go to the website
and I'm Craig Kenneth I will talk with you soon