Transcript for:
Emotion Coaching vs Emotion Dismissing Parenting

i want to talk about emotion coaching parenting versus emotion dismissing parenting i'm dismissing this there will be the negative side so you can see how this relates to a lot of that authoritarian role uh that style the parents are going to view their role as as to deny ignore or change negative emotions these are the parents that the second you start to feel a little bit sad or a little bit angry they want you to not feel that way let's not express those negative emotions um let's ignore them let's deny that they exist or let's change them let's distract it and say oh you're not sad you're happy look at this they don't allow you to fall into negative emotions and it's typically because they freak them out the negative emotions freak them out it so it may be the authoritarian parent that just is uncomfortable with the child getting angry or getting sad or uh you know they just don't see the child's emotions is super important um that it's what matters is the parents emotions um or it may be the parent that's just super caring about their child you know but from the opposite end super caring about their child they don't want them to experience anything negative they don't want to see their baby cry and they don't want to see their baby angry they don't want them to they don't see them go through these hard emotions in life so they try to avoid them um and this ends up having some pretty big consequences um when we look at what ends up happening in adulthood they never learn how to identify emotions process emotions cope with emotions in healthy ways so they never really learn and we've alluded to this in different areas of this class never really learned to process um or just put identify process and cope with emotions in healthy ways and they can end up trying to as an adult numb out avoid those negative emotions we talked about the consequences with that especially if you watch the rene brown talks um if we you can't selectively numb emotion you numb one you numb them all you get rid of anger and sadness you get rid of happiness uh joy all of that kind of stuff um and so we want to be able to uh go there with our children so that's emotion coaching parenting they monitor their children's emotions viewing negative emotions especially but all emotions as opportunities for teaching assisting them in labeling emotions so they get to teach them hey how can we identify and label this emotion hey how can we feel through this emotion how can we act it out how can we process it how can we cope with it um what is a healthy way to manage these emotions so it's all a teaching opportunity so that one day when mom's gone or dad's gone or the primary caregiver is gone uh the child who's now an adult can deal with emotions in a healthy way they have high emotional intelligence we talked about how emotional intelligence is related to higher wellbeirs more related to lifetime well-being than things like academic success or career success emotional intelligence is incredibly important so these parents are going to react in a less rejecting manner you know the baby's sad it's oh come here what's going on tell me about why you're sad what are you thinking how are you feeling um if they're angry you know instead of just be like go sit in the corner you're not supposed to be angry that's inappropriate behavior um it's what's making you so angry why are you falling apart right now talk to me what's going on so they're going to use uh scaffolding and use praise and we talk about this uh some in cognitive development uh vygotsky's theory of development where he's saying that parents act like scaffolding so think about scaffolding on new york buildings that kind of support their temporary supports and they're there to support when they're needed but then they step away when they're not needed um and so to be a good parent is to be able to assess when and when not to step in when and when not to help um and so they're going to use that scaffolding and use praise to encourage proper behavior um they're more nurturing overall and they're really we're gonna have dialogue you know that working through uh the dialogue between the parent and the child words it's not gonna be really with the dismissing parents these children are better at soothing themselves when they get upset regulating their negative affect focus their attention better fewer and have fewer behavioral problems i am going to remember to post this cool ted talk for you guys about this girl that grew up kind of wondering in nature and when she would she'd go out with her dad like to go explore and whenever she would trip and fall he wouldn't turn around and pick her up he would just keep walking and you know for her it's like she has to figure out oh she just tripped and fell she needs to get herself back up she needs to keep going and you know she talks about it i know roy hasn't had been in class for a while but roy roy used to in the beginning of the class was talking about the importance of getting out in nature at one point i remember that discussion um and this ted talk addresses that that there's something special about nature that it teaches us limits it teaches us that we're not all powerful and that we need to adjust we need to adapt we need to soothe ourselves in a way that we you know can't change reality sometimes we're going to go through hard things we're going to go through negative emotions we need to self soothe we need to process um and we need to adapt ourselves into instead of trying to adapt to the world and so with nature you know if it starts raining and pouring it's not that you can make it stop raining and pouring no you wanted to go running you wanted to go camping you can't it teaches you limits or if you're out there in the middle and it starts raining and pouring you have to think about a way to protect yourself you have to problem solve you have to process through whereas a lot of other things in life we can control external reality whether it's uh you know something about you know technology we have so much control over technology and that instead we adapt technology to us as i've been adapting us to technology so there's something interesting that nature provides children in terms of development and it coaches them in a better way um okay so a jared saying but if you're too nurturing you don't truly set the child up for the future if you always cuddle them okay and so it's a good point here because this is the opposite of calling cuddling could be more than emotion dismissing parents we're talking about negative emotions here and that cuddling parent is going to try to erase the negative emotion so quick their child's upset you know maybe billy is being mean to their child well they're going to defend their children and fix the situation so their child's not upset they're going to you know it's it's it's fixing everything for them so that they're not exposed to any kind of difficulty so they don't have to self-suit i appreciate you making that comment because it's helping me to clarify that would actually be more dismissing um and so you have the emotion dismissing parent being kind of the bad mean uh authoritative parent that's just too uh strict and aggressive or you can have that cuddling parent that's just trying to control all the child's emotions and make them all good because they don't want to see their child suffer the motion coaching parent says go into the negativity let the child be criticized by others even if it's bad criticism even if it's destructive criticism expose the child to it let the child cry let the child be angry let them process these negative difficult things in life so that one day like you're saying jared when they grow up and the world does that crud to them they know how to handle it emotion coaching parenting and scaffolding knows when to step in and when not to and they're not going to try to change reality for the child to make it more uh it make it easier for them to go through instead it's no this is the real world but guess what i'm here for you i've got your back i'll hold your hand but we're gonna get through this let's identify how are you feeling right now why are you so angry at billy did billy do something wrong did you do something wrong maybe you need to adapt your behavior okay hopefully that makes sense um and and so it's a good point jared and avery hopefully that clarifies you have to learn to focus through the emotions and use them nice jared and that's absolutely yeah coaching them how to use emotion you know there's an oh we didn't get to talk about it but it's one of the things that i found notes for that and we may have hinted at it before the evolutionary side to emotions all of our emotions have a reason there is a purpose to all um and they're all different and we can look at how you know if you understand the difference between emotions we can then better the evolutionary difference between them we can then better understand why it is that we experience the emotions the way we do and why we struggle with certain ones um so we can look at kind of fight or flight as being something that we adapted to have um and it's and we talk about this in gen cycle like it's almost outdated software you know you have your iphone updates all the time and you're on constantly trying to update it so that it's most current to help you handle whatever you need to do right now in the best way possible with the most current technology um evolution doesn't work that way it's outdated software what aided our ancestors survival now we have those abilities but the world that our ancestors lived in was different than the world we live in now so we're utilizing their software in a modern world it's outdated so it helps us i don't want to get it needs to be confusing here you know uh nicole we talked about i think we talked about this class um it helps us but it's sometimes just doesn't work to our best um to aid us as best as possible so you can think about fight or flight um it's now activated by so many things and it used to be back in the day you're you encounter a bear and you either fight that bear or you run from that bear and both of those reactions involve these very physical reactions that so you have all this excess sugar and different things you know that are produced in your body so you have extra energy to meet the stressor out in the environment and then you're able to burn all of that now we're not able to burn all that and we're not able to shut down fight or flight because we don't take these very obvious actions because guess what if your boss is abusive to you maybe constantly harassing you or just putting you down or he's just he or she is just not a good boss um you can't walk into his office and punch him in the face or beat him up or run and never return you can do that but there's going to be consequences in our modern world it's not how things used to be you're going to lose that job i mean if you run you're not going to have an income how are you going to survive how are you going to pay for food all these different kinds of things so instead we just have to take it i don't know if anyone's ever felt that in life it's like someone keeps mistreating you and you just have to take it there's no other option and so you can stay with this almost activated stress response constantly going on underneath the surface you're always wanting to fight or flee or these different kinds of things and so it can be maladaptive for modern society um and there's also just tons of things triggering our stress response and it's not uh there's so many things we can be afraid of now um and we talked about this in in gen site you know there could be a terrorist attack at any moment i'm now you know coronavirus there could be a pandemic at any moment where your life is going to be in jeopardy if you leave the house you know you could die kind of thing um there could be um a nuclear bomb that could all of a sudden you just blow up the entire town these are scary things to talk about but that's the modern world with modern technology we have a million things we could fear um and so there's a ton to be stressed about there's a ton to be anxious about we also now if you look at what we study in social psychology we have a ton of time on our hands to just sit and think just sit and think in our fear and our worry about all the bad that could happen you know back way back in the day you had to work non-stop to make sure every individual had to work non-stop to make sure that we could survive that we had food in order to survive now we have an excess of resources not everyone has access to those the excess of resources but we have overall an excess which allows certain people to sit on their rears and just think about life we have so much time to sit and think and the idea of death the idea of everything is so overwhelming we talked about death um maybe we talked about some of this um that we can just become paralyzed um and we can constantly activate it and can't do anything about it because we're paralyzed so maybe then we bring up fight or flight or freeze or maybe we bring up a attend and befriend these different kind of uh stress responses but what i want to give to is emotionally we feel certain things intensely and we can call these hot emotions we feel them instantaneously and powerfully these are going to be like fear and anger and you know psychologically we're they're supposed to heighten our senses make help us make faster decisions um physically we get a shot of adrenaline our heart rate increases our blood flow is diverted to essential parts of the body we experience increased strength and stamina without these essential changes our primitive forebearers would have died so they needed anger and they needed fear to survive and it's something very powerful and very physical so whenever you are sitting there and you get angry at someone your body almost takes over and it's instantly it's like you see brad that idea you see red that's all you see and you just i don't know if anyone's ever felt that out of control anger that you just like oh my gosh i don't know what to do with this it's a survival response but we now don't we can't do anything about it so then we just have anger and we don't know how to process it and most of us have been learned to freak out about anger we can't feel it can't feel it so then it's like out of control and we don't know what to do um okay so we have these hot emotions that we experience and it's about survival we need to feel them or our ancestors needed to feel them this way in order to survive you can think you know a tap in then to the good side of anger you know we probably talked about this at another point if one of y'all is getting bullied by somebody i'm gonna get angry and that anger is going to inspire me to act to stand up for you know the person that's being harmed anger can cause some of the most wonderful movements in the history of our world because we want to stand up for what's right and we're angry when things are done wrong anger can can cause incredible movements think stand up for what is right and those that are being violated tap into that anger you should feel angry we should all feel angry and we should do something about it and our body guess what is going to prime us to do something about it um and so fear you know is kind of the same thing we need to fear certain things for our own survival um you talk about behaviorism and how once you touch the hot stove once you should already be programmed to never touch the hot stove again and it's about our survival um we should be afraid of that we should be afraid of pain we should be afraid of these different kinds of things and it helps us you can think about someone who doesn't have any uh ability to feel pain and how they don't survive long at all um you know most people it's a medical condition maybe nicole knows it i'm not sure um but where they can't feel anything so all of a sudden they're bleeding from their side they're bleeding from their side and they have no clue they have no clue that they they stab themselves in the side and then they they can die so in a really basic way we need pain we need fear we need these strong feelings and emotions and sensations okay now on the other hand what about cool emotions these typically take longer to be felt and are usually less intense they don't burn as bright maybe they burn longer stronger but not as bright i'm thinking again about psychological disorders here um there's some people who struggle with borderline personality disorder and i've heard them describe their relationships as burning bright for a very short period of time right and fast with with borderline we have the inconsistent the series of broken relationships and so you know they they have really intense um relationships and then they fizzle out that's how i think about hot emotions anger should have an end point it should be intense and then it should fizzle out fear should have an end point cool emotions are different so we can think about um love we think about joy our cool emotions so some of us struggle more with happiness and in a real kind of basic way happiness was not really needed as much for survival so we're not programmed to feel it intensely in fact maybe you know we're talking about a bipolar disorder maybe feeling too happy can be dangerous because then you're not afraid then maybe you don't get angry you know maybe happiness is just you know can put you at risk um in some ways it's just not the same thing as anger and fear we just don't need it as much our ancestors didn't need it as much yeah we do need an invasive way if you lose all happiness you fall into despair and then you don't want to live anymore you take your own life and we don't we we need it in that essential core kind of way we need some happiness um but we don't need it like anger and fear we don't need to be instant we don't need it to be strong and so it just takes longer to be felt and it's usually less intense love is an interesting one you know we do need you can reproduce without love we want to talk about in a real basic kind of sad way we don't need it to carry on the species you don't need it to stay alive except when we talk about that baby who needs love right but it's more of its ongoing slow thing that's there constantly there and i think that's the difference between these cool and hot emotions hot emotions burn bright they're intense and they're gone cool take longer to be felt less intense but i wonder are they do they linger longer because it takes longer it's almost like you work for it and it means more kind of thing and so it can linger it stays it doesn't just burn out all of a sudden um so love takes a while to build but once it's there it lasts and hopefully it lasts you know a lifetime uh you know joy hopefully it's the same thing um and so it's just interesting to kind of analyze different you know purposes to emotions why do we have love why do we have joy why do we have anger why do we have fear and how do we need to experience them to best aid our survival or more importantly how did our ancestors need to experience them to aid their survival because remember we're working with outdated software one day our and like the people that you know that we're ancestors of um they will uh need they will use our software but it'll be outdated for them and so he was saying like arranged marriages yeah and so then that's interesting because we can talk about when we get to the marriage and love uh lecture um can you almost oh like love is work and can you almost build it in any situation if you have the two right people with certain mindsets can you build love anywhere it just takes time um it's just an interesting ideas some of those arranged marriages last so long but then it could be because social reasons say that they can't get divorced they don't have free choice so they don't they didn't decide to get into the marriage they can't decide to get out of it maybe that's why they last so long but there's a lot of arranged marriages that they do end up loving each other and i think it's more than just love i think they go into it realizing we're gonna have to work at this whereas other people you know i think some of y'all said before or it was my other class you know marriages that you choose to get into it's like you work so hard you catch the person and then once you're in the marriage you stop thinking that it's work and you just think oh i already have the person i was talking to one of my best friends about this the other day um her husband doesn't do anything now to like to show that you know he wants to be with her to work to keep her work to show that he loves her he doesn't buy her flowers he doesn't plan dates he doesn't he doesn't do any of this stuff that he did when he was trying to capture and so i think there's something different about arranged marriages that they go in with expectation this is work this is working we're going to have to continually try to work on developing love whereas a lot of our marriages here we don't realize how much work it's going to be we think it's just saying you know we're in love and this is all going to work out and vanessa's reiterating it we feel it's uh not possible to live without being loved or to love and i think that's what you know we kind of covered in especially our uh attachment chapter and you know when it comes to erickson um we do need love i think for survival and i guess i need to clarify that it's just while we need it we don't need it in the same way as we may need anger and fear we don't need it to be as intense we just need it to be there we may need it to be long lasting um but it's not that we don't experience it or need it in the same way it would be a very sad life living without love i agree 100 it helps us understand why love is difficult it takes time why happiness is difficult and takes time um and also why it's difficult to deal with anger and fear because we feel them so intensely and physically but all of them serve purposes and to go back i think what jared was saying the beginnings tap into the positive side to use these emotions for our benefit and to teach children to use them for their benefit when they're angry get them to understand this is normal anger can be a good thing how can we use this anger for something better let's think about freud sublimation using like the desire to kill you're so angry you want to kill someone remember freud said that one of the most amazing things can be to channel that into something that's pro-social create that masterpiece um or do something create a movement to stand up for you know for example like the metoo movement stand up for all the people that were wronged when it comes to that because maybe you're angry about the person uh that wronged you um okay so that's the evolutionary perspective of emotions um there's a little bit that i wanted to i found some extra notes that i wrote about spanking last semester we talked about it a lot last time um i just wanted to say that the research shows from what i found that higher rates of um of rates of being slapped punched kicked uh spanked uh by parents by caretakers leads to higher rates of academic dishonesty um there's an issue that when someone is uh dealt these hard uh harsh physical uh disciplines um it can impede moral development and we talked about this how people are doing what's right out of fear of physical pain um out of fear of consequence when that's not there children instead are prompted to make moral decisions based off of other things um like even guilt or empathy for others so when there's physical punishment children are prompted to make moral decisions based off of fear um off of the fear of these potential consequences and so students who have internalized an ethic that cheating is inappropriate are more likely to refrain from cheating across different environments as compared to students who refrain from cheating as a function of believing that they may experience negative consequences from others if they are caught there's a link between parental discipline and the onset of antisocial behavior anti-social behavior being uh the psychopath students that are more anxious regarding their relationship are more interested in pleasing significant others and willing to resort to unethical means such as academic dishonesty in an attempt to be valued favorably that's interesting so they'll push certain moral ethical boundaries because they're just trying to do something that gets them some kind of reward they care about what the other person thinks about them not about what they're actually doing okay let's move on temperament okay do you get upset a lot these are questions you can ask yourself do you get upset a lot um does it take much to make you angry does it take a lot to make you laugh or do you um laugh very easily get angry very easily all of this can kind of tie into temperament so they're saying that at birth children can display different emotional styles one is cheerful and happy all the time and one cries constantly this is a little bit to say hey it's not all on the parent and sometimes good parents are just the reflection of easy children um it's very easy to appear that you're a good parent when your child is very easy um it's very hard to be a good parent when you have a difficult child and some children are just difficult it's just it's not like a judgmental kind of statement it's just how they are um it's just how you know they are um and so if you have a child who's constantly talking back to you constantly disobeying you constantly wanting to go against you know the majority or go against what's right they just constantly want to do this it's very easy to get angry at them you know think about how we have that instantaneous anger even when it comes to children um or it's very easy just to feel some of those frustrating emotions towards the child and then to react in a way that's not good that then exacerbates the problem so you have a difficult child who keeps poking you and pushing you um eventually you know you get angry and then maybe you spank them and then that's going to cause you know maybe their uh rebellious nature to be worse um and so it's very easy to be a bad parent to a bad child easy to be a good parent to a good child you know and even some children you don't have to do anything they just do what's right it's weird um okay so temperament is going to be that it's not all the parent the child comes out a certain way and it's part of the situation so there's going to be differences individual differences in behavior style emotions and characteristic ways of responding so they want to look at how quickly emotion is shown how strong it is how long it lasts quickly it fades away and we can really simply just look at chess chess and thomas's classifications these are super simple the easy child and this is going to be 40 of children is what they're arguing they are generally in positive moods they quickly establish regular you know this is a newborn it's very easy to get them on a feeding sleeping routine they adapt easily you know we talked about psychological age having to do with your ability to adapt and so it's almost like uh psychologically they just are a little bit more mature and they adapt easily to new experiences the next child is going to be your difficult child sounds so judgmental i know but it's just but it is some children are difficult 10 they tend to react negatively cry frequently engage in irregular routines irregular daily routines you can't get them on a normal routine they're not sleeping when they're supposed to sleep they're not wanting to eat when they're supposed to eat i engage in new regular daily routines and they are slow to accept change um and then the last one is going to be slow to warm up slow to warm up 15 and so this is going to be like they have low activity level they're somewhat negative they're going to display a low intensity of mood i think this individual is just a little bit just skeptical of a situation maybe they're a little bit more fearful um so they're just going to be a little maybe they're a little more conservative a little more hesitant and it's just going to take them a while to check out this situation um they're not going to be showing intense mood instead it's going to be like not so much mood just kind of sit and watch not do too much not super comfortable maybe a little bit negative but then once they're comfortable they warm up um it just takes these children some time to adjust to a situation but um you know they typically do they're not necessarily difficult um and you know i think about myself i was so shy that i'm sure i was a slow to warm up child although i know i was very sleepy and uh easy as a newborn okay so then we have uh 35 did not fit any category if we add those up and this screams something is wrong with these categories um the point of temperament though is that it almost uh taps into some of the genetic uh biological nature components of the parent-child relationship that sometimes a child is just born a certain way and that's going to affect the nurture situation the parenting style everything it's not all on mom in terms of the environment she's providing she's provided a certain child yeah it's her genetics partly but the child just comes out a certain way and it's going to in some way dictate part of the environment and part of the relationship okay it is time to go we actually went through a lot okay let me know if anyone needs anything i am here i'm going to turn off the recording bye bye bye