Hello, I hope you are well. You are watching Roode. Thank you very much. This is the fourteenth episode of Roode, and in fact, it is the second episode in which we are talking about the topic of shame. I would like to say that if you have not seen the previous episode, the thirteenth episode, it is your fault. If you don't have the first part, you must see it. I recommend that you take a break for a few days, let the ideas and concepts of that part circulate in your mind for a week, and then come to this part, and actually see them in this order. We talked about it before. It had two main parts, which I will review very quickly. In one part, we talked about the different faces of shame . He wears different clothes, it is a feeling of deception, and we said that these different clothes, these different masks that shame puts on his face, what is it probably that in reality we see a behavior of our own, but when we follow his beard, we come to the experience of shame, we talked about this . We mentioned that the cause of shame, the root of shame itself, is abuse, and there are three types of abuse: sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical or physical abuse . We are going through a book written by Ms. Beverly Engel, who has a study of shame, clinical experience, academic experience, and lived experience. Her translators into Farsi, Ms. Sarveh Veisi and Ms. Khadijah Naderizadeh, and the honorable publishing house, also published this book very well, that is, with this In this book, we are traveling. In this part, we want to continue the discussion from here. When shame is experienced by a child in an accident or during a process, what feelings did the child experience in that process or in that moment, that is, the author wants take us by the hand and take us to our childhood and confront us with what we experienced at that time, maybe today we have numbed ourselves, maybe we tried to hide those experiences from ourselves because they were painful, complicated or forbidden, but the point is The author says that in order to meet ourselves, we must once again go to the heart of those feelings, to what happened to us, we must go back to those feelings and see again what was its roots, the author says that shame is a natural reaction to abuse and something that In fact, there is a common feeling that children experience at that moment in the process of abuse, the feeling of humiliation, the feeling of being attacked, and the feeling that the child thinks he has the right to be attacked. Let me give an example that is a little less discussed. Let's open this issue with each other. One thing that can be addressed in this matter is the issue of the paragraph, for example, when for decades in a society, the economic situation of people is not good despite the efforts they make, because the structures do not work well, because that society is not really a society. If the society is fertile or in a good economic condition, then many generations may experience the problem of poverty, which has many, many different harms, but one of the harms that is less talked about is, in a way, the birth of the story of the problem of poverty and the problem of shame in itself. Our society is very inclusive. In fact, let me put it simply, I want to say that you think that a child is actually growing up in a family that is not in a good economic situation for various reasons, and this child, as you can see in this picture, is the most innocent person in your life. This is the economic situation, that is, he has no sin, no fault in this, in fact, the bad economic conditions of this poverty, but what is his experience, but his experience of living with this poverty is a feeling of inferiority, it means that he has to hide who he is or his identity from others, as if This poverty is a kind of contamination, as if this poverty is somehow his own fault, and as if this poverty is somehow something that he must try to hide with all his might, in order to be approved by others, something that he has no fault for, for example, who is he? What makes a child is made by its father or mother. It is true that the child may try to hide his father or mother from others, and see how painful it is for the child to hide the roots of his identity, that which is the source of his identity and who he is, from others, like a disease, like an infection. Let 's think about what makes a child who he is. His daily experiences are the same as when he comes back from school in the evening until the next day, and you think that a child is forced to make up imaginary stories or false stories, that is, to tell things that never happened. He can't say that he is really experiencing it in his daily life and maybe he thinks it is valuable, but he has to hide it, he has to wear a mask, he has to hide it behind an identity. Or someone will lie to himself and see how painful this is, a child, and actually imagine that when everyone is talking about their travel experience, for example, he is the quietest member of Friday, and if he really wants to tell something about how he spent his summer, he probably won't. In the skirt of all kinds of stories, in order to hide the past, you can see what painful experience this child is going through . Let's feel how painful it was and is there anything more painful than when a child wants to protect and hide his identity from others and even from himself, so it's a feeling of humiliation that I tried a little with this example of poverty. Let me open it up. Another feeling that is mostly experienced in physical or sexual abuse of a child, and of course it exists emotionally in our society, is the feeling of being polluted. It means that after these abuses, the child has a feeling of being polluted towards his body. and that's why it's as if he's been unkind to this body all his life, as if that feeling of being contaminated is somehow in his being and that's why he treats his body badly for various reasons other than the issues that exist regarding sexual or physical abuse. The emotional side of the matter is how a culture helps people to relate to their bodies and accept their bodies in a transition period such as puberty . That girls are at the age of children when they actually see the changes in themselves and you can imagine a culture that when a girl is actually experiencing changes in her body, she is attracted to you because of what she is experiencing naturally. He tries to hide him, he tries to make him look infected, and you can imagine that a girl or a boy is vulnerable enough in these changes, and at that age, he is vulnerable enough, and it is as if this feeling of being infected is institutionalized in his being. It is possible and every time it is painfully evoked in different situations, it finds an echo in his mind. The author talks about the feeling that if others find out who I am, they will leave me alone or leave me alone, that is, he is talking about the fact that when the child He goes through the experience of abuse. Another thing that exists is that he considers himself contaminated and tries to hide himself and who he really is from others. In this process, the reason for this story is that he feels that if others find out the reality of his existence, they will leave him alone. And see, this will always stay with him. What is more important than giving a person his original and true self somewhere? What is more painful than this when a person wants his true self back ? don't even meet him, and we learn this as a child because of the experience of shame, we learn to hate ourselves and we can't live ourselves. The author explains in general that what a child experiences in the process of abuse and after that is the feeling of helplessness. The feeling of disconnection, the feeling of loneliness and the feeling of worthlessness, he is experiencing all these feelings together. There is no source of healing in the outside environment, so that he cannot share these feelings. These feelings are more complicated than he can resolve them in a painful way . Posto remains in his mind and casts a spell on him for the rest of his life. It's like a curse in all his life, except where he returns to his childhood, and now that he has muscles, now that he's built muscles, now that he's stronger, he'll face these feelings again, so you'll see. What it actually does in this episode is that it takes us to that childhood text, what we went through and we couldn't understand or explain or feel it at that moment, it actually reminds us once again that we are stronger this time. Let's feel it, in order to be freed from its grip, the author talks about the fact that shame is a deep feeling of inner helplessness and worthlessness, and he says that you can understand this even with body language. In general, all this makes you want to hide. Have you even seen hiding from your own eyes when, for example , a person talks about his experience of shame and says, "I wanted the earth to open its mouth, not me." It is invisible or for example even the body language when a person shrinks in the experience of shame, it means that he becomes as small as possible, he wants to occupy less space because he wants to not be seen at all, and the important thing that the author says is that you don't want to be seen, it is only in the face. with other No, you don't even want to be seen by yourself, that means you haven't seen yourself for years, that experience of shame is the first obstacle that has created between you and yourself for reasons that are not your fault. Shame is a lie that was told to you about yourself and you believed this lie. Pay attention to the example of poverty. Think of the experience of sexual assault or physical injury . Internal worthlessness , well, in fact, the author presents a questionnaire that I want to read. In fact, he says that with this questionnaire, he completely organizes the discussion so far, in my opinion, and leads us to the root of the problem that we may have in life and we did not know that we have. Well, an S questionnaire has 35 questions, which I said that Mrs. Beverly Engel, 35 years old, who is ashamed of, is actually researching in a way, perhaps unconsciously, that 35 years of experience on this subject has actually led to 35 questions that we Let's ask ourselves and the answer is yes or no. It's not one of these questionnaires. In the end, we want to add up a number or get an average. Only if you have a pen and paper near you and put a tick or a cross, or even answer the questions in your mind, and in the end, it's like an inner feeling tells a person that I wonder how serious this problem is, and I think this is a very, very important step, so I will actually read the questionnaire. Our heart hurts, but I read it calmly, in fact, feel it and face it fairly, and give yourself a yes or no answer, and after the end of the questionnaire, we will continue the discussion again . Have you been or not? In fact, this goal is the main result of the questionnaire. Question 1: Do you blame yourself for the abuse you experienced as a child? Two, do you believe that parents or other adults or older children would not have abused you if you had not forced them ? Three, do you believe that you were stubborn and selfish as a child and deserved the abuse they did to you, four, do you believe that you made it difficult for your parents or others to love you Question 5, do you believe that you have disappointed your parents or family ? Six, do you feel that your nature is not lovable? Seven, do you have an inner critic who looks for faults in your recent work? Eight, are you a perfectionist? No, do you believe you don't deserve the happiness of being loved or success? Ten, have you had a hard time believing that others love you? Eleven, do you push away those who treat you well ? Twelve, are you afraid that if people know your reality, they might not accept you or not like you? Do you feel like you are cunning? Thirteen, do you believe that all those who like your behavior or love you are lame? 14 Do you feel like a failure? Fifteen, do you hate yourself? 16 Do you think your appearance and interior are ugly? Seventeen, do you hate your body? 18 Do you believe that the only way to make others like you is to do whatever they want? Nineteen, looking for approval from others? 20 Do you hide parts of yourself when you talk to others and are always careful not to need them or hurt their feelings? Twenty-one, feel like all you have to offer others is your gender? 22 Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, shopping, gambling or stealing or other types of addiction? 23 Is it impossible to accept that you have said the wrong thing or done the wrong thing? Twenty-four, do you feel bad about the way you treat others ? Twenty-five, are you afraid of what you are capable of doing ? 26 Are you afraid of your tendency to abuse others verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually ? Twenty-seven, have you ever had a relationship or relationships in which you were verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually abused? 28 Have you ever felt that you deserved abuse in the past or now? Do you always blame yourself if something goes wrong in your relationship ? 30 Do you feel like you always fail and your efforts are worthless? 31 Do you spoil the joys of your relationships or successes ? 32 Do you self-destruct? Self-injurious actions such as careless driving, attempted suicide, etc. 33 Do you feel inferior or inferior to others? Thirty-four, do you lie to others about your accomplishments or life history to make yourself look better? And 35, you neglect your health or emotional needs, that is, food You don't eat, you don't sleep enough, you don't care about the health of doctors? And this is actually 35 questions that he asks, and there is no official scoring for this questionnaire, but if you answered yes to most of the questions, you can be sure that you are suffering from paralyzing shame, and I wrote below that I am Mojtaba and I am ashamed. I have a paralyzing disease , this questionnaire helps us to see behind our behavior, it helps us to see the main problem, something that maybe we didn't know until this moment that it was our main problem, I didn't know that this issue is such a shame Various things have affected my life. One thing that is present in this questionnaire is that in all these 35 cases that we may or may not have a part of, the thing that exists is the feeling of being worthless, feeling unacceptable, unacceptable. Being and feeling unlovable , and in a word, feeling bad, as if we are experiencing it. Think again about that definition of shame. Shame is a lie that you have been told about yourself. Shame is a lie that you have been told about yourself. Shame is a lie. that you were told about yourself and you actually believed this lie. Another important point is that this shame is an emotion that seems to affect all our other emotions. The feeling of love, the feeling of connection with another, all of these seem to have been poisoned under the shadow of this shame, and it is as if shame targets the foundation of a person's identity, as if shame is the foundation of a person's sense of his own identity, and in fact, the important thing is that even though we know this, we can still Let's take action in order to actually face this shame, friends. One thing the author says was very important and interesting for me. He says that facing shame is scary. There must be something that we haven't gone to until now. We didn't want to see that experience. or solve it, but the point is that what is waiting for us, if it is anger, if it is sadness, if it is going to be a bit difficult for us, it is not more severe than what we are experiencing now secretly with denial, it is very important to see the reality, to put aside denial no matter how much Hard as it is, it is not harder to bear than this situation , and sometimes we really have no idea what hidden pressure our body and mind are enduring under the burden of secrecy. With all the suffering we are going through, we should actually free ourselves from the prison of shame. The author says that people feel after facing shame, what they describe and narrate is that they feel like they have become a different person, see how important they feel, they feel that energy has returned to their lives. They can be in contact with life and the world, they feel that a stone or an obstacle has been removed from their path, and now they can enter the world and enter life, they feel the passion for life, the energy of life and the enthusiasm for life in different areas have returned to their lives, they feel the flavors again. They taste, they taste, they can see people again, they feel that they can fight for the things they love and they feel that they belong to themselves again, they can actually experience the whole path of treatment is compassionate treatment, that is, we are going to move forward with this, and the point is that there is treatment. The point is that we can reach healing bit by bit, we have to go along this path slowly with each other, first we have to accept that if we have paralyzing shame, we have paralyzing shame, we have to accept it and this a little bit in this coming week, maybe a series of sensory impulses for you. create, maybe sometimes you feel sad, maybe sometimes you go back to childhood, maybe sometimes you judge your parents harshly, maybe sometimes you exaggerate them, a feeling of all these seems to exist in you, let all these contradictory feelings flow in you, this is part of Please allow the pain to exist together and little by little actually feeling this seemingly unbearable thing helps us to let go . In fact, we examine the different layers of shame. In the first part of our training, we watched a movie called Goodwill Hunting, which I may not have said well. I will write it in the description of this episode. Let's see another movie and that movie is called Mahsakh Shab written and directed by Mr. Abbas Kia Rostamieh Mahsakh Shab. This movie was made in 1967. It is a documentary film that took the camera to a school during that period and it is actually a realistic cut of what happened there. In the name of education and training, it is important for us to see what happened if this Have you seen the movie or even Goodwill Hunting? Watch it again in this process because it will help you reach important clues. Thank you very much for taking the time . We will go through this suffering and come to compassion and then to liberation and then to a one-on-one hug with a child that we have forgotten for years. Shame has created a barrier between us and him. We are trying to remove this barrier so that we can see ourselves. Sincerely, I have the best wishes from my heart and we will come back very soon and continue the discussion from here, thank you very much