kids with adhd tend to be experts at pulling their parents into the argument reasoning or negotiation vortex here's what i want you to understand your kid doesn't need to agree with your parenting decisions you don't need your kids approval for your parenting decisions going down the vortex makes you look less confident in your parenting decisions and that doesn't feel good to your kid when they recognize they can control you by pulling you into the vortex kids need to see their parents as capable and competent in order to feel emotionally safe kids with adhd and the argument reasoning and negotiation vortex i'm ryan otherwise known as adhd dude i'm a licensed clinical social worker school social worker certified adhd clinical services provider and i'm a father to a son with adhd and learning differences a note about the argument reasoning and negotiation vortex it is a common way parents try to deal with their child's inflexibility the problem with this is that you cannot argue reason or negotiate with somebody who is chronically inflexible which is very common with kids with adhd i have regularly seen parents get pulled into the vortex because they mistake their child's intellect or articulateness for emotional maturity i have a saying flexibility is cultivated inflexibility is accommodated the argument vortex it's parents getting pulled into an argument directed by their child that often goes off on tangents that are unrelated to the original topic it's a way kids try to avoid non-preferred tasks or having demands placed on them it's an effective way for kids to take control of a discussion and it's a very common pattern in families of kids with adhd that often last for years the negotiation vortex i want you to understand that some popular parenting approaches encourage parents to get pulled into the negotiation vortex as a result many parents misinterpret helping their kid feel heard as meaning they should negotiate everything getting pulled into the negotiation vortex can accommodate inflexibility causing inflexibility to get worse some things in life can be negotiated other things cannot and i want you to keep in mind no one else aside from you will be willing to get pulled into the negotiation vortex with your kid the reasoning vortex when parents try to use logic or reasoning because they want their child to understand or agree with their perspective or reason for something it's fine if you want your kid to understand your reason for something if you are trying to get them to agree with you or you want them to say hey you're right i'll listen to you from now on you're wasting your time getting pulled into the reasoning vortex because you want them to understand your rationale sends the message that you want their approval for your parenting decisions if your kid thinks that you want their approval that may be unsettling to them because they know parents are supposed to be in charge getting pulled into the vortex is a choice your kid does not control you your kid can feel heard and acknowledged without you getting pulled into the vortex making the choice to not get pulled into the vortex models what emotional regulation looks like it also models teaching how to not engage with someone who is being difficult choosing to not get pulled into the vortex helps your kid feel emotionally safe because they see that you are in control of the situation and again kids know parents are supposed to be in control in scaffolding better behavior and self-confidence my parent behavior training program and the first one designed specifically for parents of kids with adhd i teach strategies how to not get pulled into the vortex you can learn more about scaffolding better behavior at the adhd good membership site where you have access to all my webinars as well as twice monthly office hours where i answer your questions live learn more at adhddudecourses.com