New York City August 9th there are still some tickets available August 10th is sold out except for a couple seats but August 9th has actual seats available for real American human beings and Iden economy so make sure you go buy those right now ticketmaster.com killtony live from Madison Square Garden August 9th and August 10th [Music] [Music] [Music] w [Music] hey this is redit coming you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of kill Dy give me up for Tony it's [Music] CL who's ready for literally the best [ __ ] night of their lives tonight [Applause] huh oh my goodness We Made It Make some noise for Brian Red Band ladies and gentlemen [ __ ] yeah we are here kill Tony live at the mothership brought to you by Connect Mobile Health how exciting you guys uh pumped to be here tonight I love it we have an absolutely ridiculously diabolical show ready for y'all tonight before we get started here's a little bit more from The Amazing sponsors that made it all possible [Music] are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what you know we've been doing this a very very long time and I book this show personally myself every single week and I myself cannot believe who tonight's guest is ladies and gentlemen I present to you the current truly the real president of the United States of America this is Joe [Music] Biden you can do better than that make some goddamn for your president no Joe this way this is it over here Joe Joe no Joe over [Music] [Applause] [Music] here wow [Applause] oh my God unbelievable this my fellow Americans I want to I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president to run this country quick shout out to the moderators and the back for keeping this debate going there's no moderators Joe you're on kill Tony huh has anybody told you where you're at [Laughter] [Applause] tonight ran redband Brian redband everybody how the hell do you know who Brian Redban is I follow him on Facebook post a lot of butthole pictures all right so oh my [Music] God okay oh here we go how are we America we feeling good how we feeling America Mr President Joe Biden here doing some damage control right now obviously [ __ ] is wild out there for you right now coming off of wild wild times we're doing it we're doing it though we're doing we we we do we we what we did what we did when we and we for the co what we did for Co that's right and we did for we beat we beat and that's why we do it and that's what that's what we we be Medicare wow we took down Medicare bu and Megatron and the rest of the GI Joe Bangarang hook look I'll tell you something I was when I was 10 years old I used to ride a bike we had all sorts of bikes back then we had Wheels get this liquid death away you already have enough Death Around you Mr President we're going to yeah I can't have water after 400 p.m. oh hey hey hey all right how many times you going to do that tonight a [ __ ] so Mr President I don't know I don't know if you know where you are how the show works but I'm going to give you a little rundown over 250 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket huh 250 comedians signed up for a if I if I pull their name out they get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear sounds like sounds like [Applause] Kamala all right [ __ ] huh no [ __ ] you too late too [ __ ] late it's America you got yeah yeah hey all right so I'm going to preo a name we're going to Wrangle them from the bar next door here we go so while we go and grab them we have someone who's going to get tonight's show started for us it's one of our esteemed regulars ladies and gentlemen this guy has not been on the show in quite a while he's been out headlining uh absolutely killing it all around the road um he is a superstar he's a freak of nature ladies and gentlemen Make some noise for the Great and Powerful the one and only this is casy [Applause] [Music] rocket yeah I've been waiting all day for Sunday night all right cool hell yeah NFL on what KT all right cool God it's funny you bring that up Tony I um a lot of people have been asking me titty boy lacroy and I say speaking and they say who are you really and I tell them the truth ladies and gentlemen in many ways I'm an oil man I I buy oil I sell o oil I drink [Applause] oil I go to the hospital cuz I drink too much oil I sneak out of the hospital in the dead of night and the staff starts freaking out cuz the oil man's loose and I sneak back into the hospital dressed as Heath Ledger dressed as the Joker double costume and I burn it to [Music] Smither oh what's this yes more oil absolutely thank you I'm Casey rocket have a good night [Music] wow thank you that was wild thank you an unorthodox performance by Casey rocket um very very interesting a lot of oil Mr President what did you think about that here's the deal folks you look like if somebody [ __ ] a lint trap without a condom thank you Mr Biden I'm a big fan oh [Laughter] that's how I picked the candidate like The Bachelor at I moros am I supposed to suck your dick now or what do I do what do I do whatever you want you're the president of the United States I'll give it to my wife you know my wife Jill love her yeah she's one of the best don't you [ __ ] lie to me right now I love her know I love her man you're funny you're funny you did you did the thing you did the you did what we all did you get up here you go for it you you do it you did it Hey Hey Hey Hey where's your shirt good one Mr Biden President Biden I liked it I liked it hey it was good it was good how old are you 29 okay how old are you 81 81 move strong hey hey you want to fight you want to fight titty boy lacroy where does such a name come from where does any name come from really my parents I guess my parents were the yin-yang Twins and they're not biological twins it was a stage name um and I fell in love on the road Durling laaloa and I was there yeah you opened for Alice and chains I did yeah that was cool I was there as a roie for young for young so it's cool it's one of my favorite bands wow and the oil business this is a new thing we haven't heard of lucrative um good money in oil um sold a lot of it drank a lot of it why are you drinking the oil why does anyone do anything I because you're an American I'm an American and you have to you have to you got to it's the best country on planet Earth nobody can legally no one can stop you from drinking oil and I've true Taken full advantage of that what does it taste like slick slick what that's an adjective [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] that's an adjective where'd you go to school that's a trick question I know you didn't high school or college you pick um first method to this First Methodist all right perfect that's not how you say that but all right First Methodist then I went to Second Methodist for college so it's kind of a what's the difference second methodus is much bigger so oh titty boy lacroy AKA Casey rocket no better way to get the show started than with your unbelievable St thank you thank you for having me back have fun the return of Casey rocket no you don't have to stand up Mr President Casey will you take that glass with you thank you so much one more time for Casey [Music] [Applause] rocket we're having fun so you get it Mr President you see how this works here's the deal folks every every we we wake up we get it we get it going we we what do we do what do we do we get up we get it go and what do we and we get it going right cuz you got to get it and when you when you're going gets tough you get you if your dick's full of blood you stay with me we got a we got to vote look here's a deal folks there's so much going on go ahead Tony no go ahead what were you going to say about the about the voting thing well I just feel like nobody can stop me right now I feel Unstoppable I feel good I got a rose from a muppet I never met a real puppet without the guy inside of him that was insane right there I feel good right now the band's here give it up for the kill Tony Band everybody let's [ __ ] go it's one of the big biggest moments of my life I'm feeling good right now I had a shitty time on the debate and I came to kill Tony to turn things around I'm going to [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] up tonight if that's all right with you guys you mind if I [ __ ] [ __ ] up tonight look how quick I got up I got a golden ticket I'm feeling good right now I got Brian redband to my left I got Tony hinchcliff to my other left you guys excited to be here tonight my wife Jill is at home right now giving herself a dutch oven you guys excited to be here tonight I can't be stopped I can't be stopped I love this country and I love what I do I'm telling you I ain't going anywhere no one's taking me down I'm going stay here forever I'm going go I'm going to go for four more year I'm going go I'm going say it right now Tony I'm going for four more years I'm going for four more years say with me four more years four more years say with me four more years four more years no one's going to stop wait in the world what's that try us it is our responsibility and our duty to confront this danger together every step you take down this dark path increases the [Music] power what in the world is going on here wait a second oh my god wow oh my God ladies and gentlemen the real president of the United States is here oh my God wait you guys [Applause] this is an unbelievable moment you do not look good Jo B sit out sit out so scared Tony what an unbelievable experience it is what a great show this could be instead we've got an absolute idiot here running the show this is a moment we will never forget this is incredible what a shocking surprise no one more shocked than President Joe Biden it seems he looked look so scar who just [ __ ] my [Applause] pants oh oh my God this is an incredible moment in the history of the show indeed I can smell the president has [ __ ] his pants this is absolutely incredible we're going to watch some comedians tonight President Biden seems extremely frightened right now I got to go to bed so president Trump I believe you know how the show works right of course I do [Applause] what a great crowd what an amazing crowd this is a lot of beautiful women here great [Applause] women lot of beautiful women a lot of great guys too all great Americans so it's going to be President Joe Biden and president Donald Trump for the remainder of the show it appears we have an entire uh lineup and bucket to get through this is one of those moments we will never forget oh there's the lovely Heidi everybody oh hey what a great lady I talked to her backstage and wonderful woman the tits are real excuse me excuse me a lot of people are saying her tits are fake they're not fake I touched them and great tits wonderful tits American tits and that's that's the thing that we've lost under this Administration where are the American tits anymore four years ago they were American tits now there's no American tits Mexican tits Mexican tits are streaming up the board no one's stopping it fentanyl tits fentol okay one shot in you're dead can you believe this this would never unimaginable what's happened to this country we're fine we're fine hey I I smelled her tits too they're great everything's great we're fine now we were fine then we're fine hey you're the sucker I bet I can I bet I can smell her I bet I I bet I can do it first Joe you're an idiot please stop hey hey Sage my face come on huh come on you want to race up some stairs come on Joe everybody seen you race you can't race so we're going to watch ComEd do 60 seconds oh God this is unbelievable this is unbelievable we're going to try to stick to this format tonight we're going to try to do an episode of kill Tony even though I could watch you two talk about smelling fentanyl tits all night let's get to it 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket pool tonight mind you these guys have no idea who's on panel here they get wrangled from a bar across the street they come out so keep a lookout for their reactions your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight makes a noise for Matt Sturm everybody Matt Sturm here we [Applause] go I'm not from Texas it's [ __ ] hot here all right I'm from Vermont it's cold there when I first got here I wasn't used to it I you step step outside you feel like Arnold in Total Recall when he's dying on Mars just you know I'll have to [ __ ] pull VA crackheads and rattlesnakes just to go to Whole Foods I don't even get to shop at Whole Foods I just look in the window like a [ __ ] hot food section pervert looking at the mac and cheese just like [ __ ] bring out the rotisserie chicken you [ __ ] [ __ ] no man I'm too poor I shop at Target it's weird yeah it's the only place you could get like a Spider-Man graphic tea and like 6 PB of bris kit it's a weird it's a weird combo yeah yeah um I've been coming different guys guys we usually come like three types of ways there's the pathetic way that's the way I usually do when you're kind of like H you know they go like I'm sorry like that's a weird you know it's embarrassing I don't know uh then there's the other way for some reason like we do the opposite we turn into like Thanos from The Avengers [ __ ] you know what I'm saying like dud Thanos is not [ __ ] he's more like a rap energy there's like a a better purple thing to [ __ ] you can [ __ ] like Grimace or something hell yeah all right Matt Sturm going over his time at a minute 15 seconds uh a lot of references there how do you feel like that went Matt it was okay Tony I think it was okay according to you it was not it was [Applause] frankly you should be embarrassed about it I would not good not good yeah this's the first thing we agree on that was dog [ __ ] oh man it pulled them in pulled him in with the handshake holy [ __ ] okay Matt Sturm how long youve been doing standup comedy uh about 8 years about 8 years oh my God I should say less [Music] wow damn where's your dad right now he died who you said where's your dad right now he died from what he didn't no he's alive he's he's he's good he he's in the city in New York he's in New York City yeah he's in New York okay yeah he's what a wonderful City that great City now homeless this guy's dad ruining it ruining New York there's a lot there's a lot of fake dead dads right now what do you mean by that he say his dad died and he goes he's alive yeah so there's a lot of fake Dead red band hit me with something love you okay you don't yeah per perfect red B Jesus Christ you're like Dr fouchy over here so Matt Sturm you've been doing stand up for eight years what do you do for a living how do you support yourself well I recently got a job at Maggie ma across the street working the door over there okay and I'll I'll do some sets over there and get to do a little stand up and work the door work in the door and Maggie M I used to work at Carolines in New York before it closed and [ __ ] that was fun for a little bit okay that was cool all types of small businesses it is true that did close during the Biden Administration whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I got tons of I got tons of black friends one over there there's one over there it matter and the the business the business is all the business the [ __ ] is on the business what I say the [ __ ] is on the business there it is you got it yeah okay Matt Sturm what else do you do with yourself when you're not doing uh your door job door uh well I like to you know look at bugs and lizards and [ __ ] outside I like uh build terrarium sometimes Jesus Christ you find a lizard or a [ __ ] cricket and there's not much to do you know wow yeah you have a lot of work to do you should stop collecting bugs and get a job I mean what are you doing we got plenty of job what are you really doing we got the most job jobs right now we got the most jobs you can work here you can work outside you can work inside you can work upstairs or downstairs I don't keep the bugs I don't like the bugs in my house what do you do with the bugs I just inspect them I'll I'll view them from like a a safe distance and kind of observe what kind of bug it is are you [ __ ] why you do that why do you do that I maybe I'm trying to figure that out it's fine we got jobs for retards too we got every job we got upstairs jobs [ __ ] downstairs jobs y'all got sure hell yeah all right what's your love life like Matt Sturm uh pretty non-existent last uh last hookup you had where was that how long ago was that uh [ __ ] Connecticut wow it was like a five months ago or something it was it was long time ago yeah how so you got [ __ ] five months ago you could say that for a guy who collects bugs frankly that's not bad [Laughter] [Applause] honestly a a sad woman in Connecticut [ __ ] the Bug Guy and now she's watching this right now she's at home going I [ __ ] that guy and he collects bugs in a jar [Music] do you make the Bugs watch when you [ __ ] her I do I'm asking for a friend I have I it's it's better that way did you hear that red band Matt Sturm congratulations you got pulled out of the bucket and you caught it with my chin there wow you caught it with the side of your neck look at that fat neck folds there he goes Matt Sturm ladies and gentlemen and like that the show has begun as you see we're having fun here appears as though the only slow moments tonight are going to be the 60c sets that these people across the street are dying and hoping for hey y'all this podcast is sponsored by expressvpn going online without expressvpn is like leaving your kids with a nearest stranger while you go to the restroom sure they're probably not a kidnapper or a serial killer but why would you ever take that risk every time you connect to an unencrypted Network in cafes hotels airports Etc your online data is not secure anyhow hack ER on the same network and gain access and steal your personal data like passwords Bank logins or credit card details it doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack someone just some cheap Hardware is needed a smart 12-year-old could do it plus your data is valuable did you know hackers can make up to $11,000 per person selling personal info on the dark web expressvpn stops Hackers from stealing your data by creating a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet redband Tony it would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past expressvpn's encryption plus it works on all devices phones laptops tablets and more so you can stay secure on the go and we are on the go I personally use expressvpn when I travel like when we're going to Madison Square Garden very soon I love knowing my data is safe and secure in every different state and Country I visit while on tour so secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com killtony that's expressvpn.com Tony and you can get an extra 3 months free expressvpn.com killtony ladies and gentlemen you need a straw Mr President is that what you said I need a straw [ __ ] the turtles am I right absolutely okay your next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Bruce mcelder everybody Bruce mcelder here we go here comes Bruce everybody [Applause] [Laughter] what do the Chinese call the Japanese as a racial slur huh what do the Japanese call the Chinese as a racial slur [ __ ] short Chinese [Laughter] [Applause] I'm trans socioeconomic I was born poor but now I self-identify as rich I'm so white trash I call my only pair of long pants my fancy pants all right Bruce hold on hold on to that microphone Bruce first of all let's just jump right into it you started talking with a microphone 4 feet away from your face and then you proceeded to when did you write those jokes exactly did you lose a bet was this a you last place in the fantasy football league or something you had to come on kill Tony what what what made you come here today I've been a huge fan for the last two three years watched every episode you ever do stand up before no you decided to make your debut here tonight have you watched the show how did you think this was going to go you've seen the show that's a good question how did you think it was going to go mediocre do you have more jokes that you didn't get to Mr President Joe Biden one more white trash joke okay let's hear it I'm so white trash I take naps at Walmart should have opened with that one that's the one you look like you the bugs to the last [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] guy Bruce where do you live uh Austin Austin Texas you're born and raised here no no from the Midwest Wisconsin okay Wisconsin and what do you do for work um somewhat retired okay what did you do to before you retired software development did you develop some software that made you enough money to retire I mean just enough to be a poor retiree wow and what is the software like business St nothing anybody would know who was the president when you sold this software company it was still Trump of course it was we used to be able to develop things and create things we can't anymore is this why you retired I was in regulatory I was fired immediately after Trump got out wow we love regulatory big regulatory under my Administration there was plenty of regulatory and now where's the regulatory everybody looks around and says there's no more regulatory wait wait hold on hold on hold on hey hey hey hey hey President Biden would you like to would you like to respond to the claims that uh you we're we're we're we're playing regular we got it all we got it hey hey how when's the last time you take a [ __ ] huh what's your name again Bruce Bruce mcelder melder you always dress like this you wear you want any pants I I have I have one pair of when do you wear them when I'm like super special occasions well like like what like when I get married [ __ ] that was sad all right have okay he's saving his pants for marriage and I think that's extremely [Applause] American who are you saluting Mr Biden you just saluted the whole audience okay okay uh Bruce Will you say that you're saving these pants for marriage do you have a girlfriend I got married again oh you did you got married again so you've been married twice three three times You' got married honestly that's not that [Applause] [Laughter] bad yeah coming from a guy who likes to watch women change wait what who doesn't want to watch women CH I saw I saw it on the internet sorry I love to watch them change who doesn't your wife changed into the Afterlife hey hey you want a knuckle sandwich give me a punch sound effect Red [Laughter] Man perfect take take that your your Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer what' you stick your dick in a bucket of Mountain Dew listen to this guy listen to this guy Joe you could do nothing to me I would hurt you severely and everyone here knows it I would beat Joe's ass so badly [Laughter] frankly oh yeah hit me right man [Music] I got him okay so Bruce let's go through some of these marriages how old were you your first marriage um 17 and how long wow Jesus that's a great age for getting your high school diploma you can do it if you want to do it or for showering with your dad the way his daughter did look it up you're going to be very very surprised that this guy this man showered with his daughter do you believe this till she was 13 I love my family so you got married at 17 Bruce and how long did that marriage last how old was the girl that you married she was like 19 she was 19 so technically you were being statutory raped for a couple it was awesome couple years it was awesome he says wow where did you meet her at high school but you were both in high she was in the parking lot wait so you said a couple years before you got married Biden what do you think about this oh it's great I just can't so what's her name where's she now what she doing she have a job she works at a bank so she a real Illinois I think you just made that up where's that at oh wait know I've been there I campaigned there you never went there men menius Illinois Joe you've never visited the Midwest everyone knows it Illinois loves Donald Trump that is I wish I had a joke there but I'm getting into character too much oh that's [Applause] great that's you one of the old that's what you want of the that's you that's who you want so Bruce how long did that first marriage last one year and how did it end she's a [ __ ] right I had a feeling I had a feeling that the 19-year-old woman marrying a 17-year-old she cheated on you yeah who did she cheat on you with exactly do you know a couple people that I did not know at the time how did you find out that she cheated on you inter the the the computer right you're a [ __ ] software engineer yeah that'll make your Hardware turn into software real quick finding out that the woman that you're married to is [ __ ] everything in midal how many of them were black here the real question here that was my next question were any of them black no M no okay so how old were you when you got married for the second time take a dball park would be fine here uh Bruce 24 24 and how old was the girl that you married when when you were 24 around 24 24 okay and how long did that marriage last maybe 5 years 5 years how did it end she's a [ __ ] no no no she was very nice she's very nice how did it end just Mutual yeah yeah long yeah mutual differences I don't believe one of different things she wanted kids I was like yeah kids are great when they turn 13 you can shower with them so she wanted kids you didn't you liked pulling out and spraying where on her f it it's your answer it's your answer where did you come on this woman why didn't you want to come inside Bruce where did you prefer to come I would come in her mouth I would come in your ex-wife's mouth of course you would you're coming in America's mouth right now you're exactly right Joe I'm coming on their back like an American you're coming in their mouth like some okay so you're a sucker wait no timy red band no oh an elbow there's more elbow there's more elbow for you okay all right so Bruce the third marriage how old were you when when you got married the third time three more times than people are getting married nowadays how was the how old were you for the third one last year last year yeah your trademark not speaking I've got a good feeling this one's going to work I have hopes I'm joking no chance now is this one wanting to settle down too does she want kids okay I'm going to give you a small joke book Bruce and uh congratulations you got pulled out of the bucket You Were Here on kill Tony you were here Bruce You Were Here There Goes Bruce M eldery everybody we got a real little lot of bombs tonight so far with the two US presidents I guess that's fitting a country that uh that oh there's a straw whoa Mr President what are you doing with the straw oh is that how you use it oh no you want me to pull that closer there you go okay ah all right comma usually does that for me your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Canon Miller everybody Canon Miller is next who knows could be a [Music] star so why is it that mentally disabled guys just love getting naked you I don't know what that's about but they just love taking their clothes off and I say that because I was at a Boy Scout camp when I was a kid and uh we we had this mentally disabled kid in our cabin this albino kid he was super sweet but anyway he goes to the shower and we hear him yell for help and we're like oh oh God like you know let's go he probably fell we got to go help him out we open the stall door to the shower and then there he is just you know handling his package right in front of us just really going at it and I'll never be able to look at a white snake the same ever again but anyway we like you know I'm not equipped to handle this so we go and I tell the Master you know go make sure see if he needs any like actual help and I sat there and I thought about it I was like just left a scoutm alone with a naked Miner and so that's the story of my first threesome and that's my [Applause] time okay he's done 55 seconds in throwing the mic into the mic stand Canon Miller one more time for Canon everybody Canon grab that microphone put it up to your mouth got you sorry Hi Canon how are you first time doing stand up yeah about 60 seconds in my career so the answer was yes yes sir there you go hi Canon how are you I'm doing well how are you how far did you drive to get here today 13 hours uh I'm actually in for the week my brother's getting married here on Friday okay wow hey hey yeah real a real Patriot huh yes sir 13 hours now this [ __ ] boy [ __ ] how big was it would you say good question good question that big folded in half so this [ __ ] boy you had a black [ __ ] how did this happen how could this happen here say again how is it possible that a [ __ ] boy had a giant black hawk and you saw it you know that's a really good question I I didn't really think about it that hard I just saw it and I don't think I'll ever forget it unfortunately well you're not going to cuz he's here tonight let's bring him out when you said you'll never be able to look at a white snake the same again what what exactly do you mean how many white snakes do you see uh not many as far as I know just the one but I mean it was an albino guy with you know like I said he was he was packing some heat so if I ever see a white snake again I don't know I may get PTSD I'm not sure have you ever seen a white snake no just listen to the band right absolutely okay none of this makes sense what you're say is you're incoherent like this guy right here Canon what do you do for work uh I'm a college student but I work at a golf course like maintenance how old are you 21 years old 21 years old work in maintenance at a golf course yes sir okay what do you exactly do you do at the the a Chasta Golf Community ooh have you heard of this president president Trump of course I have I've played there I am the club champion there at the aasta golf course CA yeah they have his picture up in the showers they say don't let this guy in so Canon you're 21 years old what do you do for fun just whatever play a lot of basketball I'm no good but I play a lot of it where do you live 13 hours away to where you're the basketball player in the city I'm from n in Georgia but I live in dela currently I go to school at the University of North Georgia are there black people around there not a lot at the school but there are some president Trump I noticed you grabbed your micophone say it whatever you're thinking say it what a great Institution [Applause] so Kon what's like the most interactions with black people that you've had in your life you do seem ridiculously white your t-shirt is tucked into your jeans right now tucked deeply into your jeans so give me an example how many black friends do you think you have take a guess first number the pops in your head go close friends probably about three close friends okay name them name their first names go ahead uh Ben go ahead Canon name your three black friends I see you thinking I see the wheels turning probably about taan Bryson and CJ taan Bryson and what CJ okay a black named Bryson what's the cool what's the cool president what's the coolest high five they let you do just the standard da up what does that what does that look like show show uh show me what it looks like I'm a black guy ready oh President Biden getting up this takes a easy here he goes all right oh that's occasionally the little snap after oh that was racist you would know Canon very fun what what else do you like to do when you're not working at the golf course you're not doing comedy uh play a little golf play basketball play video game just hang out with my friends I got hang out with my girlfriend either way your parents still together no okay how long have they been separated for almost 10 years probably so that affected you deeply when you were about 11 years old something like that not really too bad how did they break the news to you that they were separated they just called us out to the back porch one by one and let us know the back porch it was a nice moment it wasn't nothing I'll be your dad Don you be his mom let's recreate it get out here little man come here we got something to you're a piece of [ __ ] father have something to say yeah you been you you're you're not you're not you're not doing it what did I tell you as a young boy you got to do it they broke up they broke up because of you it turns out K it was all my fault what did I not do I don't know you you're always golfing if you're gay just tell us it's fine we've known you're gay you are gay we know you're gay we saw the way you look at John the Taylor Thomas you being gay has shattered this family frankly broke us apart we can't eat dinner in the house anymore your father and I are disgusted because you are gay why can't you why can't you meet some nice girl that Hawk to is all over your [Laughter] [ __ ] she's obviously voting for me that is what a patriot that is very true there is no doubt about that so you were gay and your parents split up then what then what happened Canon and then I lived the rest 10 years of my life that's all just being gay just being super gay what's the gayest thing you ever did Canon good question Tony you could tell us uh uh played gay chicken one time what's gay chicken exactly tell explain to us you and a buddy Clos your eyes and you you Puck your lips like you're going to kiss and you both walk towards each other until one of you chicken's out and moves away that's very funny Joe Biden did that with Big Mike they played gay chicken every day she'd say Joe this is a chocolate cone he would go whoa this is a dick you've got a dick a huge dick a white snake a black snake Michelle Obama has a giant black dick hey hey hey hey hey hey hey so what well uh Canon congratulations you're leaving here with a little jokebook you're 21 years old you're way ahead of your time uh it's a great time to [ __ ] start stand up thank you very much congratulations Canon we have a special treat for you audience fans of the Kil Tony Universe we have the return of one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show happening right now ladies and gentlemen you just saw Canon who started when he was 21 when you met this guy he was living in a van unable to sell any tickets whatsoever now he's adding shows to his soldout weekends all around the world sing the words if you know them this is Hans [Music] Kim what's [Music] up it's good to be here good to see Trump and Biden going at it locking horns battling for Supremacy it's uh Kendrick versus Drake for white people Trump is obviously Kendrick because he's a winner and he's actually black and Biden is obviously Drake because he's a sleepy pedophile [Laughter] our leader uh I bought a gun recently thank you let's go shoot each other later and uh love having a gun I know I'm supposed to use it to defend against the government but it's so much easier just to shoot people they're everywhere and they keep cutting me off in traffic um love the ladies I feel like uh ladies can be a little bit ungrateful everything men invented was for the approval of women and women they still aren't happy probably because of all the sexual assaults we keep doing when they like hey could you please stop raping us and man are like the best I can do is the internal combustion engine all right that's my time thank you very much Kim with a new minute 20 and a special very presidential joke you did um so you have have a gun yes AR-15 I'm going to get a another one a little concealed carry so I can walk around 6th Street I do firmly believe every autistic man should own let's get this guy a bump St why not is that your first gun in AR-15 it's my second I have a shadow systems mr920 L Jesus Christ when they say it like that you know they mean business and if you're at the pitch Bo [Applause] [ __ ] shut the shut the [ __ ] up I had a few Bud Lights I'm going to turn into sleepy Joe in a minute we're both we're both going to be doing a Joe Biden impression I like to see it turn into me hit me Red Band go God damn it red B red B you are a [ __ ] [Laughter] [Applause] idiot what we at Dave and Busters what was that hey congrats you got the high score in ski ball again what the [ __ ] I've never played ski ball I have never once played ski ball oh that's what you want a guy who's never played ski ball and American treasure you even know who Harrison Ford is oh please so Hans who are you voting for in this upcoming election everybody here wants to know that both of the candidates are right here you're a Fearless Fearless person are you going to admit who you're voting for I would love to vote for Kim Jong-un or or our dear leader but I guess I'm in America so I I think uh Trump is the most Kim Jong-un type of type of guy that I could vote for I respect him in my Korean soul is that what you are I was trying to figure it out I'm uh yeah I'm Korean all right South Korean thank you for [Laughter] [Applause] gross ew took the words right out of my mouth [Laughter] oh oh my god wow Hans what else has been going on in your world I uh recently went over to Brian red band's house I took a [ __ ] in a whoa house all right okay and I owe him $10,000 and more than that uh you've had like three parking tickets since you got my car with my license plates on I'm not going to pay it back uh classic Korean this is incredible so you sold Hans Kim your one of your cars and he's been getting parking tickets and you didn't transfer anything over no cuz I thought I could wait two weeks to transfer the title I'm like don't get any tickets and literally he's had like three or four in two weeks what a shitty story what a dumb boring story you brought us here you're going to talk about parking tickets of course he's getting parking tickets he is very Asian it's a great Point president Trump uh do you always get a lot of parking tickets Hans [Music] yes hey hey let him finish let him finish yes all right Tony thank you thank you uh well Hans it was great to have you back is there anything else you want to talk about you have the um I hurt my back falling off a paddle board I have nunchucks now of course you do nunchucks yes where are these nunchucks at they're right backstage let me go get them real quick wow oh my goodness that this might be the most Asian thing ever ladies and gentlemen he parked his nunchucks backstage he's grabbing them whoa oh my goodness gracious what kind are they they're Asian Asian nunchucks yeah but what brand Eddie Bower Amazon they're just Amazon nunchuck this this seems like a very wow that seems super easy that seems easy that seems easy that's easy that's definitely easy is this what you do anybody could do that I uh I just got it but uh white people will let me hit them with it cuz I'm Asian so not for long not in a few more months we will take this country back the Asians keep hitting us with sticks this never happened when I now Asians are hitting us with sticks what's the blacks are fighting back against the Asians in the inner cities and no one's giving them credit all right Hans we love it the return of Hans Kim lady and gentlemen and on to the next bucket pool we go there he goes hey y'all this podcast is indeed sponsored by Shopify okay 10 seconds on the clock how many things can you name that are always growing your relationships your skills your customer base how about businesses on Shopify Shopify is the global Commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business from the launch here online shop stage to the first real life store stage all the way to the did we just hit a million ORD stage Shopify is there to help you grow whether you're selling scented soap or offering outdoor out fits Shopify helps you sell everywhere from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system wherever and whatever you're selling shopify's got you covered Shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout up to 36% better compared to other leading Commerce platforms and sell more with less effort thanks to Shopify magic your AI powered Allstar Red Band Tony I love Shopify no matter how big you want to grow Shopify gives you everything you need to take control and take your business to the next level it's a truly incredible service no doubt about it Shopify Powers 10% of all e-commerce in the US and Shopify is the global force behind all birds roties and Brook linen and millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across 175 countries plus shopify's extensive help resources are there to support your success every step of the way because businesses that grow grow with Shopify sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify /kill Tony all lowercase go to shopify.com killtony now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in shopify.com Tony ladies and gentlemen your next comedian out of the bucket 60 seconds going to make some noise for Nate Barnard everybody Nate Barnard here's [Music] Nate the real estate business in Cairo Egypt is an absolute pyramid scheme my uncle's lgbtq but he thinks the Q is for questioning the Holocaust black guys can watch anime and still [ __ ] white guys not so [Music] much white guys discover nuto and it's over it's a v celibacy sometimes I check in on my white anime friends and uh I asked them about [ __ ] and they're like [ __ ] was good until the show caught up with the books and now it's trash anime is destructive to the White Community um Brian Redban a minute trying to bring another woman in my relationship uh not for anything sexual just for someone to fight her out on Sixth [Music] Street okay Nate Barnard welcome Nate you've been on this show before right yeah you have a look I can remember your face because of what it looks like sorry yes uh your chin and your neck are one yep there's nothing wrong with that a lot of women like that thank you Mr President I love that um Nate remind us how long you've been doing standup comedy about seven years years seven years and what do you do for a living uh I work Dairy at Whole Foods ooh Dairy at Whole Foods ladies all right there you go is that the dream what was the American dream for you whole milk at a reasonable prices that is whole milk very expensive the why is it so it's actually going down the price of whole milk's going down just like you this November giveit me Red Band no it's it's definitely there it is it's definitely gone up what do you have to say about the price of milk skyrocketing under your presidency here's the deal folks milk is milk is just a milk you know what it is there's milk there's water you know why don't you take off the classes and look the American people in their eyes [Laughter] you can go to the store you can buy milk you can call your mom she can bring milk over what do you want to do come on you know what it is when's the last year time you bought milk from the store two weeks ago that's what I'm talking about milk's at the store you can get it the prices are high they're low yeah it's America baby yeah Nate who do you plan on voting for come this November think about your career right now done take your time what you should do is go on the record and say you will vote for Donald Trump got to vote for the winner I'll give you a ballot that's going to help your career in comedy for sure what you give me I'll give you a ballot you fill it out right now right now a what a ballot a a ballot a ballot oh you're going to give him a ballot in July that is I didn't think this through what's your favorite color um green all right sorry I like that Biden gets it I like that Nate you took a shot at Brian redband during your set what's your love life like uh empty as uh previously established on the show oh we've talked about this that sounds about right no one remembers no one remembers sorry no one does won't bring it up you watch a lot of porn Nate yeah what type of porn do you like to watch what's your favorite category favorite category of porn I'm kind of going back to softcore now softcore porn what is is it about softcore porn I like to see how they're like you know they're like putting that [ __ ] on YouTube now they're like trying to get past the sensors how what do you mean by like hand jobs what is it they do like oh this is a see-through uh clothing try out this is what this is what's happening in this country the men now are going back to soft core can you believe soft core porn can you believe this well it's better it's better 4 years ago we were into [ __ ] porn we were doing the men this country we're being men we watched gay porn we had gay sex we had gay sex and now [ __ ] are watching s cour now we've got a [ __ ] epidemic in this country hey hey hey hey hey you believe it when I was in hey that [ __ ] got rights he can watch whatever he wants hand job soft job in the car job in a hot air balloon job I love [ __ ] porn what do you love about it Mr President what exactly is it about [ __ ] porn that you like so much I I don't know all of it Joe I'll help you out here it's one of the guys they both have tits that's what it is there's some for everybody now there's four tits before there were only two tits now we've got four you get penises and tits in the same boat I couldn't what's your what's your dad do for work uh he's a banker where I don't know somewhere is he still working for the banks I have no idea you don't talk to him yeah I stopped talking to my dad when why did you stop talking to your dad he's kind of crazy but why how is he crazy did he say stop working at a [ __ ] grocery store stop doing comedy get a real job I'm a millionaire banker and my son is a [ __ ] anime [ __ ] hey [Music] [Applause] wow I'm in character that's true it is President Trump saying this what what was so crazy about your dad that you would stop talking to him he's just like uh like he was kind of scream on the highway type of Dad yeah explain to us exactly like what was so it seems like he was successful right he so he's sure but I mean what what was the craziest thing you've ever seen him do yell on the highway I mean there's some terrible drivers out there um yeah would you had cut people off and say like hey [ __ ] you Jew or what would he do like he'd be like pull over the car pull over the car and then you just start walking the highway like scream are you a shitty driver no like this was like to my mom is she a shitty driver probably probably so maybe he wasn't wrong what's the second craziest thing you've ever seen him do it's kind of hard it's kind of hard to say um you stopped talking to him or did he stop talking to you I just you're playing hard to get now yeah yeah okay uh I'm sorry it's very complex it's kind of hard to how is it complex normally if somebody stops talking to the Father the man that made them with his balls mhm you would have like a good reason or something like that well just like like their whole marriage was just like like it was all them fighting the whole time and you sided with your mother like a gay guy if my father treated my mother like [ __ ] I would side with him like a real man is it true do you talk with your mom yeah okay there you go president Trump nailing it uh unbelievable and are they still together no oh okay that makes sense you think your dad's moved on oh yeah he moved on in like six months right who you with now uh some other woman Jenny Jenny Jenny that sound that sounds like she's might be younger than your mom is that correct ah they're about the same age oh okay there you go Jenny had AIDS red man oh I now I get that reference yes yeah a little too soon on that Jenny that your M your sound effect was so good I didn't even think it made sense that was good for yes col started an Applause break for you Colt works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club starting an Applause break for his boss someone's looking to get higher than minimum wage over here Forest Gump was a real American his girlfriend had HIV still [ __ ] her and then she died it's beautiful that's why this country is great that's why that's why uh so Nate Bernard you already have a joke but correct yep okay well there you go Nate Bernard everybody moving on um let's go with this inside name real quick we have someone pulled out of the bucket from the inside ladies and gentlemen this usually doesn't go that great but we're going to see how it goes tonight this person is representing you the audience they had the courage to sign up and now they will be pulled out of the bucket in real time Make some noise for the kill Tony debut of Britney Martinez oh my God here she is in real life real time Brittney Martinez by the sounds of this name sounds like she could have come here during your time President Biden I can't wait to smell her head and here she comes she's streaming right up to the stage and nobody's going to stop her no one's going to stop her here she is ladies and gentlemen Britney Martinez my husband's in Army Ranger um people try and compliment me with the you're so strong you you're with someone who's fighting for our country and I just agree and say yeah thanks um but I don't tell them that I just binged 12 seasons of Supernatural masturbated three times and ate some slices of pizza in between so you're welcome for my service just doing my job um my husband's a tattoo artist now he um sometimes tattoos these tiny little [ __ ] and they go ooh that's spicy when he's tattooing them and I'm like nah you know what's [ __ ] spicy [ __ ] when your husband just pounds two lounds of freaking buffalo wings and plays thumb war with your [ __ ] [ __ ] without washing his hands that's [ __ ] spicy okay that's what I got okay Britney Martinez so you're saying that he thumbs your [ __ ] without washing his hands abely absolutely we're dirty as [ __ ] like that wow and you're you like that they're sending their worst holy [ __ ] under the Biden Administration we welcome all Mexican clits thank you thank you that's right that's right and Mexican American titties too right are they American half okay yeah Britney you talked about your husband the whole set Army Ranger tattoo artist what do you do um so we own a tattoo shop up in Tacoma Washington we actually just moved here to Austin for transitioning our lives but right now I'm working at Trader Joe's okay what are you doing at Trader Joe's uh just like Trader Joe that's what we call this guy he's sold out this [Applause] [Music] country yes oh yeah look at look at look at this guy over here huh no you just you just got [ __ ] up Mr President he just he just got you real good there I feel like I just tripped up some stairs after that one uh wow so Britain tell us more about you um he was deployed for a long time um he did so Army Rangers do three to four kind of months at a time fullon infantry no contact kind of thing but he did that for a few years and yeah okay and what made you want to sign up here tonight is that your first time doing standup right absolutely is what made you want to try it here I am just a big fan of the show um my husband got me into it a couple years ago um honestly we have bonded Overkill Tony this is our [ __ ] and we're super into it we look forward to this [ __ ] every Monday I love it this is our [ __ ] and you moved from Tacoma to here we did yeah how recently um in March so we did 10 years in Tacoma and then we're originally from Southern California and this is the first one you've been to live uh we came last June when Theo Von was on I don't know what date yep did you sign up then no my husband was a little too chicken to sign up with me so did he sign up tonight he absolutely did he did what's his name his name is Giovani Martinez why don't you stay up here take a put the mic in the mic stand ladies and gentlemen I think it's only right an American hero an Army Ranger most importantly a kill Tony man make some noise for the debut of giovan Martinez [Applause] here he is everybody make some noise for [Music] him one more time for Giovani Martinez uh growing up brown I've uh unfortunately deal with a lot of racism uh and one of the things that pissed me off about racism was um how black people get compared to monkeys all the time I think it's horrible I think it's [ __ ] uh I think uh I think they're I think they're more like dogs hear me out hear me out um not and not in every way not in every way um uh for instance you know if you get a bunch of if you get a bunch of them together um the dogs won't try killing you each other um you can't count on a black man for emotional support but in ways that they're alike um you can't understand them when they're trying to [Music] talk uh the female ones are [ __ ] and it really sucks when you have to hit one it's horrible what a great [ __ ] what [Applause] [Applause] an absolutely perfect how long have you been doing this it must be 20 30 years at this point that was some of the finest standup I've ever heard oh my God can you do that whole set again in Spanish Tony I think that's the first time that didn't work bringing the husband up like that was no I thought it was [ __ ] unbelievably hilarious uh you know for a first timer he took massive risks um I mean I was looking at hopefully hopefully he understood the risk and wasn't being totally [Laughter] honest this might be the first episode where I literally pass out in the middle of the show The Blood rushing to my head welcome to my world I should be in bed right now with a melatonin and a book but I'm staying awake for kill Tony baby oh my God Giovani Martinez you got called up here you look like a Mexican jelly roll of jelly Taquito or something like that this is absolutely I've never seen a man make a big belt buckle look small like you do that is incredible uh Giovani I you have a teardrop tattoo uh what is that uh it's a nail I got a tooth and a nail tattoo you got a tooth and a nail but they're both shaped like teardrops which means that you killed somebody have you ever killed anybody I plead the fifth oh he pleads the fifth president Trump what do you think about I also plead the fifth a lot and what a Witch Hunt why are they attacking you down you look like the security guard for the Ninja Turtles damn so now you own a tattoo shop is there anything you miss about Tacoma they're coming up through the sewers as [Laughter] [Applause] well oh [ __ ] oh my God I'm going to take a nap Tony don't take a nap don't take a nap Joe don't take a nap okay so the black people not being like monkeys but more like dogs where were you when this idea came into your head what is your writing process Giovani Martinez were you sitting at a desk were you driving were you in the shower like where exactly did were you like this obviously he was driving we're at a 24-hour fitness where where were you where was it ell Fitness yeah was it really yeah there's a they just talk on their phone on speakr phone in the gym all the time was that true that inspired me to like write that yeah okay we were joking we didn't know you had more uh Giovani would you say that black people are your least favorite race not at all no no no who okay it sounds like you have a clear answer who your least favorite race is what is the answer to that question if you had to pick one race to be your least favorite uh Afghanistan people oh Afghanistan people that is the great answer of a true Army Ranger and you've been to Afghanistan yeah three times three times and uh did you ever have to kill any of those uh people over there I don't worry about it dude oh I love it okay yeah you don't get done let's bring that up right now let's bring up some drama get this guy real fired up maybe he'll freak out he was just racist why not bring up horrific things well president Trump I must say you know no one gives you credit but you're the one that got us out of Afghanistan I wanted out of there and then what Joe did what an absolute disgrace this was horrible horrible you can say it right you so bad friends are piss your friends were mad my friends were mad well we killed hey we killed we killed Bin Laden we killed bin lad we went back there we got all the weapons we got all their Connect Four boards had a bunch of butt PL what Giovanni you were you were born in America right yeah yeah yeah I was the first one born here you're the first one in your family born here absolutely and you vote I probably will this year yeah yeah I did vote last last time yeah I did and who are you voting for come this November I voted for Trump I'm going to vote for Trump again yeah there you go wow you're a sucker that's your right and I respect it but you're a sucker he's he's a good American guy President Biden relax and how about you uh Britney Martinez are you also voting Trump giving her the micophone who are you voting for for this beautiful redheaded man right here wow that would be presidential wait wait maybe I can change your mind with a back rub oh oh Joe watch out this guy will [ __ ] kill you he's aiming an imaginary gun suck my dick [Applause] [Music] Pedro Giovani and Britney even though you're both making your debut today you said the magic words you guys are Die Hard kill Tony fans here's a couple big joke books for you guys being Fearless people put that mic back in that mic stand just like that absolutely perfect thank you how about one more time for Giovani and Britney everybody absolutely adorable and now it is that moment that you just absolutely got to love ladies and gentlemen one of the elite regulars in the history of the show here with a brand new minute let's see how loud this place can get for the Great and Powerful cam [Applause] [Music] Patterson what the [ __ ] did that last guy say why did it keep getting worse they not monkey They dogs they dirty [ __ ] dog that's crazy dog all right I'll get into the minute what the [ __ ] that's crazy I uh I went I went back home I went back home this weekend and I I wrode on Spirit to get home I don't know if y Noti this or not it's not funny [ __ ] I'm I'm I'm ethical with my money i r on Spirit to get home I don't know if y noo but Spirit got like these the two big seats like in the front so you can feel like you in first class but in spirit and I and I did that I rode on a big seat but I think it's [ __ ] stupid dog cuz like I rode on the buying a buying a big first class seat on spirit is like buying a a a a a Courtside seat to a WNBA game like [ __ ] I can see they deos [ __ ] they still erect she just dropped her on the floor that's crazy and my my whole I want to take my whole family the universal cuz know I'm getting a little money now I'm still ethical I getting a little money you feel me I told I told my Universal and I wanted to get fast pass Tak to my whole family right so I went hey let me get five Fastpass tickets and lady was like that's going to be $872 like let me get one fast pass ticket we patting that [ __ ] around like a blunt [ __ ] that [ __ ] that's it fantastic minute by cam Patterson incredible passing around the fast pass like a blunt but let's talk about uh let's talk about Giovani calling you a dog yeah that was [ __ ] crazy that wasn't crazy that was crazy Trump you you you agree with this [ __ ] [ __ ] for that there's a there's good people on both sides of this and we need to get to the bottom of this you said it was a great set I heard you say it was a great set you enjoyed that set fake and the Liberals they keep lying to the blacks and they tell you I'm a bad guy I'm not a bad guy I'm a good guy what's a Lial a liberal uh gays the gays are people too okay gay chicken going to be the Olympics next year you just wait hit me red man thank you little gay chicken noise for you absolutely incredible cam you really went to Universal Studios with your family yeah amazing what you guys do we just rode on roller Co I like roller coaster and [ __ ] roller coaster I love roller coasters you you know you [ __ ] you 89 years old right you want to be the third [ __ ] guy I punch tonight I love the up and down it's what America is it's up and it's down yeah good talk hell yeah throw that [ __ ] uh cam you are up here with the two candidates for the president of the United States do you vote cam my guess is absolutely [ __ ] not I be voting but I be voting what are you exactly are you voting for American Idol AGT what are we talking about here my mama tell me who to vote for and I just do that cam can I tell you something I'm good friends with Kodak Black and he comes tomorrow logo he has a great time and what do you think of that oh yeah n you free codette free Kodak free ASAP I'm over TR [ __ ] hey wait wait wait wait wait wait hey I know the guy who plays Steve URL come on give me some come on absolutely [ __ ] for to die you are a little fun fact I've done the road with Cam uh we've been all around the country together and I know for a fact that you are a huge Kodak Black fan that my dog here y look kodette he the president of Florida he what he the president of Florida that is my nephew that is my Gemini twin Gemini twin shout out to snipe a huge shout out to Young snipe absolutely incredible references being thrown around by can you do some [ __ ] like that [ __ ] [ __ ] old ass [ __ ] [ __ ] they my dog they my twin right here my slime why are you tougher to understand than [Laughter] me you f to die up here old ass [ __ ] didn't get that either absolutely incredible Showdown here cam Patterson one of the uh I like your energy where do you get all that youthful energy huh you just you came up here you're you're young you're you're a young guy right yeah yeah yeah how old are you 25y how do you what do you wake up you you you attack the day what do you do how do you do it [ __ ] are we talking about [ __ ] you're you're you love life yeah what you what you what do you do you wake up you go here we go what do you do how do you do it I think he wants you to teach him how to be awake thanks Tony how do you do how you get so much energy for the day know I'm saying I just wake up I'll be excited you feel me I do feel you hell yeah didn't even start drinking coffee until this year N I didn't y'all got me on coffee bro y that be hard I like coffee a lot it's cool I be [ __ ] a lot D yeah I be [ __ ] a lot I ain't know it made you [ __ ] like that it's true why coffee make you [ __ ] like that yeah I don't it's a it's a great [ __ ] some of the biggest shits some of the best red ban oh my God absolutely incredible his one fart noise per episode cam you did it again another fantastic minute from your life this weekend cam Patterson ladies and gentlemen we're flying through it tonight this looks like a new name I love names Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket JK Spindler JK spinler here he [Applause] is how D what's up guys what's up I've had terrible luck lately my car is recently stolen cops didn't do [ __ ] it's crazy now calling 911 nowadays it's just a dude showing up an hour later going damn that's wild and just leaves as a good news though I am down 50 pounds this year yeah yeah don't clap Don't Clap I just were taking ader all that's all I did yo so it's all your problems I always say adderal you still get it done today if you make today 36 hours long turns out also great for ref finances I'm making 20 30% more money each year it's really easy anyone can do it all I got to do is just take ader all then I'll pay taxes that's it yeah f [ __ ] the IRS yeah we don't like them you're with them we don't want you around here bro we don't we are done absolutely with the IRS no more income tax dude no more income tax that was a minute from JK Spindler hi JK how are you Fant I'm doing good I'm doing good bro why do you look like that are you one of the kids from the Nickelodeon documentary [Laughter] Clarissa Explains It All huh you look like the kleenex box and your face looks like the tissue that's hanging out of the top of it it's incredible the shirt says Kleenex box and the face says crumbled up tissue where are you from JK I'm from Spring it's a suburb in a north Houston area a North Houston so I'm from Texas I'm one of the cool ones what Rel very cool what relatives [ __ ] to make you JK I do have some losing an occasion in me is probably that part uh-huh and you did lose 50 lbs recently I can tell because your pants are bundled up you have the old pants on when you lean over it makes your shirt DW but if you lift up that shirt a little bit Yeah you see that the belt is holding on for dear life that's so the button is below the belt cuz those are fat man's pants that's true you still have your fat pants yeah well clothes are expensive now bro well they are now aren't they they certainly are yes they are dude dude President Biden would you like to talk about how Black Friday used to mean something man what Black Friday used to mean something now it's just what does it mean now presidents what does Black Friday mean to you oh it's a great holiday it's a time when black people can buy TVs and printers we can cut this [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] out hey why do you look like the guy who hired all the midgets for Wonka's factory J what do you do for a JK the I'm a video guy I do video editing all sorts of people all sort types of videos youed all sorts of people what what types of videos are we talking about out there the I we were School District construction real estate I do a lot of video for standup I do a lot of promos for shows for big laugh comedy shows around Austin it's been a lot of fun like I only started shooting video for stand up like a year ago and I can want to do it forever dude I love it so much WoW incredible looks like you found a passion in life what's your uh you have any special skills or talents JK anything other than editing and standup comedy you see like you have some interesting hobbies the on stage the hob I like to shoot guns I'm big on guns yeah yeah dude I got AR where do you shoot them yeah I just go to Rifle Range I really like getting a sniper rifle and try to go as long as possible yeah that's what Austin needs is another great sniper yeah we've got a tower here you're not going to believe how how wonderful the tower is you could get dozens of people before the author JK Spindler I feel like there's something you're we're we're not finding out about you that you're hiding what's a secret tell us a secret JK tell us a secret JK only thing I'm guilty of not paying taxes the only thing I'm guilty of so are you making money I made more money this year than video I can possibly imagine like I only graduated college like a year and a half ago that's crazy I thought you were 75 years old yeah the but yeah I'm still I'm still a dumbass 23y old bro JK do you think anyone that works for the IRS listens to the show yes that is correct yes I do you are correct uh I once met some secret service members uh I won't say under whose presidency because I don't want to get anybody in trouble so you know it's not Biden's but they told me that they listen to every episode of Kil Tony in their little ear pieces and they probably report to the IRS and you're going to get charged with tax evasion Donald Trump can you pardon me if they lock me up no JK I'm going to give you a little joke book congratulations you got pulled out of the bucket drop the book he dropped the book ater all affects your hand eye coordination I don't recommend ader all at all get a haircut get a job believe in yourself learn the [Music] trumpet it looks like he manages the animals in the Chuck-E-Cheese band Make Some Noise if you think jk just bombed you know what we have a special guy that we bring out sometimes when somebody bombs on the show ladies and gentlemen Make Some Noise this is a brand new minute from true nickens [Applause] all right uh so I got sober three years ago when I walked into a Dollar General and I saw these white chocolate macadamia nuts when I tasted them it it felt like a Yu-Gi-Oh card I got pulled was the best one and I F get to tasted redel it was amazing but then I realized I had one package and I got so productive it was like I was on meth I came in I ran a 5k of blue jeans I mow my lawn I even did all 12 steps of AA now I was feeding when I came back payback to the Dollar General I was ready and then $15 generals and $6 Dollar Trees later I couldn't find them it was like they were my qus and then I looked on Google and when I looked on Google I found out this the company had been out of business for 3 years dog it was crazy it was like they were right next to a Chinese nuclear plant I didn't know if I was just hurting my brain more or I was becoming a ninja turtle thank you all so much Drew nickens ladies and gentlemen with another high energy brand new minute barely understandable very very interesting Drew how do you feel right now I feel great I'm with the two presidential candidates let's talk to them about Drew nickens here president Trump I see the wheels turning in your head um what do you think about uh Young Drew nickens here I thought he did a great job I thought everybody in this room was totally captivated and everyone understood exactly what he was saying and he didn't scare anyone no one was scared and everyone knew exactly what you were saying saying I think you're a great American he loves you drew are you voting for Trump in November I voted for RFK Jr I thought his set was absolutely terrible what a complete mess that set was what an embarrassment truly everyone was scared no one understood him he frankly came off worse than anyone yet including the racist Mexican OT [Applause] [Laughter] I'm sorry Trump sorry Trump I'm [Music] sorry chill President Joe Biden what do you think about this young whipper snapper here's the deal folks sometimes you wake up and you look like this and you go I got to make the best of it I got to wake up I got to do what I I got to do what I got to do there's the bottom and there's the top how do you get to the top by voting for Biden okay we got to change your voice okay Drew where are you from I'm from Washington State sir uh Why'd You Come here what are you doing uh I'm trying to be a professional comedian look you have a day job uh not anymore I'm full time comedy did you get fired from somewhere what are you doing no no no no I uh I'm I'm trying to be a professional comedian I left my job I'm just doing this the best I can do you're doing the if this is the best then we might need to come up with a plan B Drew that's a joke see I can try comedy too yeah what are your hobbies what do you like to do for work I I like to dance uh I also like to play I would imagine you're an incredible dancer yeah have we ever seen you dance before have I ever made you dance country dancing but not hip-hop let's do some hip-hop dancing let's go oneop dance three four oh [ __ ] y oh oh [ __ ] wa hey yep hey oh my goodness what was that hey who hey uhoh hey hey let's see you do that oh [ __ ] did you just challenge Joe Biden to a dance off yes I did oh my God that sounds crazy [Applause] [Music] oh [ __ ] oh he hey [Music] hey oh my [Music] god wow oh my God wow oh [ __ ] it's shooting shoting wow that was take that without a doubt take that you sucker that's a hand job from a Sesame Street character that was the craziest game of Gay Chicken I've ever seen in my entire life tired I'm tired you must be exhausted after I'm exhausted uh Drew thank you so much another fun appearance by Drew [Applause] nickens all right dony how many more [ __ ] guys do you have back anything can happen this crowd is hungry for more [ __ ] guys and frankly I don't think we've seen enough [ __ ] guys how about a [ __ ] racist would you like to see this next person could be one I pulled it out of the bucket it is the kill Tony debut I do believe of Jacob bar everybody Jacob bar oh my God holy [ __ ] thank you well well well oh my God okay careful what you wish for okay hold on we're going to reset this jacob going to give you a nice clean slate in a full 60 seconds we weren't expecting that holy [ __ ] [ __ ] man ladies and gentlemen genten one more time for Jacob bar thank you thank you what's up everybody I had sex today thank you thank you thank you all right who wants to smell my nub thank you no no no I used my dick the first time a girl ever saw it her reaction was oh thank God it was my beautiful fiance she's up in Michigan she's a beautiful woman she's a scientist she's trapped she's a beautiful woman whenever she tells everybody she's a scientist I'm always like and I'm her experiment that went horribly wrong all right shut the [ __ ] up I'm very anxious shut the [ __ ] up all right I was born without an [ __ ] now the hands don't seem like [ __ ] anymore um that's not even that un common of a thing I can guarantee you one of you was Bor out but your parents were just nice enough not to tell you about it um the fun thing is uh I have one now and people are always like how big was the drill and I'm like huge I'm gaped as [ __ ] down there um there's a funny thing when you're born without [ __ ] and you got a new one uh your muscles don't work good down there so this I have to sit when I pee uh because the muscle that uses the piss also shits so so if you're in the bathroom you ever see me standing up to pee I'm either living on the edge or you're about to get [ __ ] pranked all right good night thank you I'm very scar oh well Jacob bar ladies and gentlemen holy [ __ ] this is absolutely an incredible moment Absolut you turned this place much like yourself inside out uh this is I didn't realize the letter W could be so hilarious I give it I don't know what you said I can't hear oh my God Jacob welcome to the show the show was built for you thank you I'm very happy to be here thank you for having me everybody thank you great hi God almighty this is absolutely incredible I give your set two thumbs up and two hands in oh [ __ ] look at that ABS Joe I think we found somebody you can actually beat up all right wait wait hit me red B who who whoa oh he can kick damn whoa whoa who red band is not even on the right page of sound effects not even close to we are hours away oh there oh he's already sitting back down good job Red Band so Jacob let's talk about it how long youve been doing standup about 10 years 10 years where at uh Michigan oh that makes sense you've been drinking the Flint water huh oh yeah nice and metallic absolutely incredible now what would we call that condition exactly what is I have voral syndrome it is an acronym for seven birth effects most people only have the limb one which is this one I got all of them so that's cool so you have that what so what the [ __ ] just point at my body something's [ __ ] up just point at it uh the seven deadly symptoms and you've got them you've got all of them but for a guy with mangled arms you talk very articulate I it is very good yeah you're very good very bright guy it didn't affect your brain good brain great brains it is incredible Jacob what did what did you say about your [ __ ] being broken or something oh yeah yeah so I was I was born with an [ __ ] I have cron so I got a lot of [ __ ] and stuff so wait you were born without an [ __ ] did they make you one what is they made you one yeah yeah they used a surgical hole punch you know one of those right under under my Administration Tony so how old are you Jacob I'm 26 26 and you've been doing it for 10 years you started at 16 started young you've always had a good sense of humor yeah it's it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do it's the only thing I've ever been good at so amazing I love it do you live here now Jacob no um I'm just down here for for the summer um just just down here hanging out with my buddy we're hanging out I love it I love it um and where do you live I'm from Michigan I'm from Ant Arbor specifically I'm not cool I'm not from Detroit I'm just from an arbor I'm Sor that's what it is you're a Wolverines fan oh that's what they look like everybody just a reminder yeah I didn't go to the school I flipped Burgers there though that's fun can you show us yeah oh yeah oh that's the Buckeye fight Dr all of them I love it so Jacob let's talk about it 26 years old born without an [ __ ] so when you were they give you just as God intended men should not have [ __ ] that is gay having an [ __ ] is gay frankly under my Administration no men will have [ __ ] you can have whatever you want if I get reelected okay we'll make a new butt we'll put a [ __ ] in your butt how about that yeah dude you'll have the first ever [ __ ] butt you can [ __ ] it yourself he hey come stretch me out Joe come stretch me out no that's a hard pass but we'll make you a [ __ ] butt [ __ ] butt is on the table for you Jacob bar there's going to be [ __ ] butts can you imagine can you better my main one I used to have a colostomy bag yeah that's before I had a real [ __ ] I had a bag extremely sad scar you can see it oh [ __ ] wow there it is absolutely incredible a giant scar being one of the least creepy things about you Jacob it's amazing what's your now when Dr Grant Stood Still why couldn't you see him it's a Jurassic Park joke that was so good you stupid [ __ ] didn't get it you see that's what you're going to get with Trump movie references from before 1995 1997 great year for Jurassic Park no one saw the second one Don so Jacob uh what is your love life like exactly I'm engaged wow clever girl did you say clever girl another great reference from the Smash Hit film Jurassic [Music] Park never seen it wait wait yeah let's wait do a scene say hey say hey is that a real Velociraptor ah wait what was that that was Oh I thought you said do an impression I didn't say you be the dinosaur all right I guess that would have been the obvious choice though oh [ __ ] uh-uh that's not it uh uh uh that's not it uh uh uh that's not it hey there you go I know one that's the only one I know hey I'll be Samuel Jackson ready huh wait he's not in that movie no it's just going to pay off trust me ready okay I don't want to [ __ ] it up I go you you be the you be Laura dur I'll be Samuel Jackson okay who's Laura dur God damn it I don't know man ready what's his line what should he say he say hey are you sure we should go out there are you you sure we should go out there hold on to you [ __ ] [Applause] butts hey wow absolutely incredible I told you it'd be kind of worth it so where did you meet the girl that you're engaged to oh I met her on the internet uh we started dating on Tinder we met on Tinder it was the first uh person either of us had met on Tinder and now we're engaged wow now did you catfish each other or or was it just you with a singlehanded if you want to call it that catfish my my uh hands were in my bio I made sure to be clear don't want to surprise the hose with the hands you know right absolutely of course all hands on deck um how far have you been up in her like like what's your water line oh actually I just figured out fingering within the past two years I figured it out it's backwards I got to go backwards cuz my oh look at that wow I'll make all of you come every one of you you're coming you're coming you're all coming he is threatening to make everyone in the audience come you want to be my vice president I'll finger blast them all there we go absolutely incredible and your penis works fine yeah that's yeah it's pretty nice actually isn't that amazing God has a funny sense of humor yeah God going to God God had to give me something you know I had to get one good shot you know yeah actually do do you shower do you have a white snake huh I heard of a guy earlier with a giant giant giant special need that's a true White Snake reference by the band White Snake for those of you missing it uh incredible uh do your hands get cold easily yeah I'm getting some questions from my mother back in Ohio do do you need special mittens for your hands my fiance makes me special hand warmers um is that true yeah yeah but if I'm cold like right now I just kind of stand like this and I shake a lot but no jo no B oh he's giving him the jacket Biden becoming more easily mobile as The Show Goes On oh he snipped up upit he just did a line of that guy and the punch noise what is that L'Oreal what are you wearing hey well now I smell like [ __ ] Mr President all right give me my jacket back good you're good stay warm Jacob bar b a r r any relation to Rosanne no I can't watch you do no no shut the [ __ ] get the [ __ ] away from me man I got this watch me struggle I got this you got it baby that's an American putting their mind and their heart together to make something happen that's a true American right there wow there we go halfway he did it halfway just like an American there you go absolutely incredible he's got the right arm in and the left hand out and he's shaking it all about ladies and gentlemen this is abs absolutely incredible he is doing the Hokey pokei and that's what it's all about everybody is John with the actual instrument for those of you wondering where that noise is coming from I do believe he bought the instrument for this comedian specifically can you play that again incredible uh Jacob how is this condition affected you in uh positive ways um so I work with the homeless and uh the homeless always try to pray for my hands to get better so we got a good relationship yeah that makes sense were you bullied in school at all no actually I I was the bully I'm going to be honest I oh I love that so you would attack them before they could attack attack you the American way strong offense is the best defense I was I was mean to some some pretty special needs kids in school I'll be honest I you it was all that was left you know can you give us an example of who like what you would say about them or anything that you did when you were younger to bully them a lot of mean Facebook comments going to be honest just do you think that the bullying of special needs people perhaps in some way was uh Karma you think that God knew that you were going to make fun of special needs kids so he's like I'm gonna [ __ ] this I think if it is more like justice like God sent me here to punish the freaks you know I don't know this is [ __ ] dark I'm sorry yeah I think you took the words right out of Trump's mouth on that one I'm going to sit this one out you guys are doing terrible now you know uh president Trump I've always noticed that everybody everybody in the left uh fake news media has always said that you have tiny hands and that Jacob bar has normal hands that joke didn't do what I thought it was going to do unfortunately I actually have very small hands so please don't bring that up Tony put them up but compared to Jacobs they are absolutely massive okay herey are we are we just going to skip over the fact that he got the jacket all the way on I got I did it that's a real American right there heyy that's a cold blooded American that getting that jacket on is a true feet speaking of feet I do not want to see yours Jacob I want to show you guys my [ __ ] up thumb I got a I got a dislocated thumb if you want to touch your thumb hell yeah you want to touch it it's pretty cool oh yeah I'd love to get uh my hands on that thumb [Applause] oh my God what it doesn't even do anything yeah you can feel the bone you can literally pick the [Applause] bone oh God no oh [ __ ] I'm GNA [ __ ] throw up that's what my girlfriend deals with a lot of the time and she makes to she gives it to head she tries she tries her best she sucks that and then it gets slightly hard and I say I'm ready I put it in there and turns out I wasn't ready I'm not hard guess what if you vote for me this November you'll be able to put that Thumb in your very own [ __ ] butt you count on it unbelievable Jacob um normally I throw the joke books at people can you catch this all right here we go I'm a good thrower so I'm going to get her right in the middle there y Jacob real quick step back up to that mic you live in Michigan you live in Michigan full time well how about this from now on every time that I do a theater or perhaps who knows what the future holds a bigger venue in Michigan you're going to do a guest spot on those shows Jacob bar everybody there he goes he caught the big joke book he's in Michigan and I'm sending him out on stage I don't have anything on the books in Michigan thank God but when I do never going to Michigan speaking of Jacob There She is again what an angel what an absolute Angel yeah in memory of Jacob bar how about a little hand for Heidi everybody [Music] Heidi absolutely incredible and believe it or not we have one more special treat for you guys I know the show is running long this is an incredible time that we're having but what better night to have uh kill Tony Hall of Fame one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show famous for his incredible roasting skills ladies and gentlemen this is indeed the long awaited return of David [Applause] Lucas [Music] yeah hey it's so crazy I got handcuffed the other night and uh uh believe it or not Tony was there to save my ass uh but when I was handcuffed it was so weird because my girlfriend was there and she's like baby uh give me the code to your phone so I could call your lawyer and I was like officer uh take me to [Applause] jail I'm not going to let you have fun in my phone [ __ ] and block off my my hoes what the [ __ ] wrong I don't know bro I got a [ __ ] go see somebody bro because a lot of bad [ __ ] been following me lately I was at uh la like s weeks ago and the Muslim Community tried to come for me uh because this fat 400 lb Muslim lady was in the front row at my show in LA and uh she you know had on the biggest hijab I've ever seen in my life uh it was like king size you know what I'm saying king bed size but she was on her phone texting the whole time I was on stage and I'm like hey [ __ ] the [ __ ] what are you doing and she's like be funny and I'm like oh really so I'm like uh good thing you're not a terrorist because if you were it would take three phone calls to blow you up and that [ __ ] ran out of the room and I'm like a little more of that and you'll be all right but that's my time thank you David Lucas I can attest to the fact that everything in his set is true yeah it is totally indeed I got a call from a a popular Muslim comedian about about the uh very big Muslim girl that you made fun of that is true and indeed after a long day and night the other night I got called as soon as I got home couldn't wait to call it an early night at about 12:30 that's an early night to me 1:00 a.m. yeah your boyfriend told you bed what your boyfriend told you to go to bed he like we don't pop fireworks I lit a bottle rocket out of your ass I wish no it was quite the opposite it was a call from Brian redband who uh never calls me and so I knew it was an emergency in the middle of the night and indeed you were arrested yes I had to stupidest [ __ ] come up here within minutes I was here yes were within I think three or four minutes with no underwear that you don't tell everybody actually funny enough I don't think I was wearing underwear I had a bathing suit on and yeah it had been on the river all day yeah and I got you out of being arrested I got you did Tony I I don't even know if I can roast him anymore he saved me from a night in jail bro I didn't want to go to jail that's true and to be a true true hero I had the night in jail in his place and I dropped the soap as often as I could um let's cut to a clip Joe Biden and Trump man this is crazy to be around you two [ __ ] bro it's the future hey Trump I got a question you on your debate the other day you said illegal immigrants are taking black jobs what the [ __ ] black jobs the illegal immigrants are being Extremely Loud on buses they are all types of stuff that we said this used to be blacks remember when this was blacks and we liked it when they were black cuz they could dance and they were fun and now the people that are Mexican are not fun watching y'all [ __ ] all night is crazy bro I've been up there laughing my ass all it is unbelievable David believe it or not is uh very much involved in politics what are you about to say well that's just what I say what's your stance on abortion uh ask Tony he's had two wait what does that mean I don't know you mean I had babies pumped inside of me you one of them men that think they can get pregnant like Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger yeah like that movie right there remember that remember that Jurassic Park 5 or whatever the [ __ ] you said earlier trust me that was a great joke and the internet is going to prove that I made a great joke and that this room is tired and dumb a fun fact about David Lucas he's so black and fat that he eats gay chicken what again these jokes really maybe they are dumb and tired they are Fu they've been here for 3 hours Tony that's kind of like you know the [ __ ] you whole hostage they ready to get out ah this the [ __ ] up it's [ __ ] 10:40 at night I don't know the longest show in theill toony history the the guitarist Matt muing who never speaks just said everybody's bombing right now yeah everybody is [ __ ] you Matt muing yeah too fire that [ __ ] David you're like me I lost the debate but you're winning the buffet all right thought on the way up here yeah I don't even know what to say to this [ __ ] I love you D and they killed Tony Hall of Fame now that's a big deal yes sir thank you congratulations did you celebrate what' you do did you go out to Red Robin or what' you do did you Red Robin I you buy another coat what' you do I got a white girl pregnant that's what I did is white is white better than black be honest uh yeah it is uh yeah yeah it is a little bit now that's the type of talk that's going to get me a vote from a black guy I love racist blacks against their own people what David the election is right around the corner who are you hoping gets nom nom nom nom nominated hey Trump because he was giving us that money during the pandemic that's my sugar daddy hell yeah oh yeah Trump 2024 hey I was sending everyone 15 bucks on venmo you just didn't have the internet that's on you yeah [ __ ] that bro I'm I'm I'm voting for Trump y'all know who I'm voting for it's not a secret all right yeah not you sleepy Joe that's coming from a diabetic that sleeps 14 hours a day hey you should you should vote for me I I stood for BLM black large [ __ ] [Music] that's [ __ ] [Music] dumb I don't know v no nobody you can't get my vote [ __ ] that all right well that's your opinion this is so weird bro bro Shane is am I supposed to say that I don't know bro this is crazy it really looks like young Trump from home alone too bro it's so crazy bro I'm up you all got a Home Alone 2 reference and no one knew Jurassic Park what a a few years ago excuse me excuse me a few years ago everyone would have got the Jurassic Park bro this is so crazy it was a Jurassic world under my Administration David Lucas is a so realistic David Lucas is a Jurassic dark um [Music] thank you thank you so much what is that that's not even Jurassic Park music it is it's a theme of Jurassic Park from John Williams oh my bad from back when you were a kid eating Froot loots you ate boot Loops okay all right booty Loops n some kids are born without an [ __ ] yo bro what is this show turned into a [ __ ] that was crazy let the record show that Donald Trump said were pulling out a bunch of retards and then for and then I brought out a guy that looked like he spent his whole life in a straight jacket bro when you when you birth a child with no [ __ ] and [ __ ] pterodactyl arms you supposed to put that [ __ ] on the grill he ain't even supposed to live just go ahead and eat that [ __ ] bro he he's not a productive member to society oh my the [ __ ] what can that [ __ ] change in life nothing he can't even L he can't even put lotion on his kneecap that neither can you no I don't believe it no that's CGI that's I got good Bas look at that CGI Biden put it on for me you know he you know Joe Biden likes to sniff [ __ ] he Tony he'll probably sniff your seat after you're done be like was a woman sitting here oh my God smells like a pH imbalance oh how dare you there's nothing fishy about my squishy don't you dare say that David you're a [ __ ] Legend you're a beast we love you thank you there he goes the great David Lucas ladies and gentlemen all right God damn it we're in super duper overtime we're going to get this last comedian up they're going to do one minute and then we're going to finish this thing Mak for your final bucket B of the night she's been on this show before very funny Sher vedi everybody It's the Return of Sherry vedi it's long thank you um you know one thing I don't understand is why do guys announce their climax dude we know oh I'm going to come I'm going to come I'm going to come I'm going to come we know we know we know we know dude you guilty you guilty guilty guilty guilty your fingerprints are all over the body your DNA is all over the crime scene the writing is on the interior walls oh oh baby oh baby I'm going to come I'm going to come okay okay stop stop stop wh what you need to focus dude you do this 25 times a day in front of the mirror in the bathroom like you guys sound like a ghost when you come you sound like you sound like a cold engine that won't start thank you very much my name is Sherry vegi Sherry thei talking about guys coming uh incredible um president Trump what do you say when you're about to come I say I'm about to come I say I'm going to come I say hold on watch out cuz there's going to be a lot of it and if there was ever a nasty woman like you underneath it I'd say move get out of the way there's a lot of come headed your way [ __ ] here's my here's my impression of you getting ready to come ready oh yeah ohy oh hey have you seen Jurassic Park 3 yeah the one with Jeff Goldblum yeah yeah no the second president piden what do you say when you're about to come he says hi I'm Dr Phil see me on the [Applause] road it is a good time for me to mention that uh Joe Biden wanted me to say that I uh that Adam Ray's new special is out on YouTube it's called like And subscribe on Adam Ray's YouTube Sounds uh sounds sounds jewy I don't know sounds good to check it out wait I want to know why so that guy who was that guy that you were impersonating who was the guy oh every guy how many is that not one guy came like a normal guy uh that was normal oh all right well what's what what but you keep going back to it yeah because even the next one sounds the same and the next one sounds the same yeah you guys can't get creative do you mostly hook up with Middle Eastern men no white tall white younger men o vegan hello remember if I were to come I would go [Laughter] that's different you should meet my son Hunter he's uh he can [ __ ] for hours non-stop lot lot of lot of capric on Sherry we've had a long show we got to put a ribbon on this thank you so much Sherry everybody there goes Sherry everyone she's got the joke books she's done at all before we leave I mean there's only one more person that could possibly end an episode like this you guys know it I'm very excited to see him tonight Make some noise for the Big Red Machine this is indeed William Montgomery [Applause] [Applause] everybody we built this city on rock and roll bad news folks do not enter This City extreme safety hazards are everywhere Biden is ignoring everyone telling him not to run earlier today he said hey pal I was the first black female to spend time in a concentration camp we can beat Adolf Hitler is it just me or if the dragons and ALS of dragons gotten sexier back in the 90s I actually stumbled upon a famous running back murdering his ex-wife and I pulled out a cigarette to take the edge off and he said hey don't smoke kid and I said don't I know you from somewhere and he takes his little glove off and says I'm OJ zinsen a Zen joke okay that's my time thought the Zen joke might go a little better what a shitty crowd Tonight Tony I've been listening to you [ __ ] [ __ ] for [ __ ] 3 hours or whatever it's been I mean they're pretty beat up we've had along it's been an absolute chaotic insane show uh I don't really think it's their fault I don't think there's many audiences that could uh handle this type of show with full energy this is one for the books they will say um William this must have been kind of crazy you were planning what's it like to be up here with the I mean it's actually really cool I'm actually a huge fan of Donald Trump so it's so weird you are here tonight sir oh my gosh how are you I thought you did a great job I thought the Zin joke was incredible thank you yeah no that was a hell of a Zen joke I thought it would at least get something in the house of dragons being sexier I thought that was at least going to get something and so you were smoking a cigarette while OJ was killing his wife and then he's OJ zinsen yes I asked he said his name and it's OJ zensen right so Simpson is hard to say that's where I messed up a little bit I've he's zining that's why he told you to quit smoking he tells me he said he tells me I need to start doing Zen don't smoke right that's where I was getting out with the joke but it obviously didn't really work out and I have like 10 more of the Zen jokes I've been holding back so this scares me I have a bunch of Zen jokes in the chamber right now Tony they actually fixed our air conditioner but it's a horrible problem now because now it sounds like an airport in our apartment it sounds like a jet engine going off in our apartment now so it's really cold luckily but it's just so loud in there now wow so what are you doing to block out the sound I'm not doing [ __ ] man I'm [ __ ] that's why I was a little on edge tonight again House of dragas joke I thought was Far funnier and it got no [ __ ] love so it almost makes me feel a little weird Tony even to be in front of these [ __ ] idiots tonight I swear to God I wasn't even feeling it it's loud as [ __ ] in my apartment and it's like all these [ __ ] in the [ __ ] audience well at least you got to enjoy some uh peace and silence during your 602nd set tonight are you going to clap at that you nasty looking [ __ ] oh my God is that really your [ __ ] wife dude yikes holy [ __ ] that is so mean William it's like she wasn't clapping at any of my jokes and now she claps at the silence thing it's [ __ ] what is that dinosaur on your arm a [ __ ] stegosaurus a lot of dinosaur talk tonight and you would think with all this talk they would understand Jurassic Park nobody understood Jurassic Park I know that's history will look kindly on that joke I have no doubt thank you President Joe Biden what do you think about William Montgomery oh I love it I love it I I love it did you were at January 6 right yes I was there I took a private jet with my family my parents yes good for you good for you family is important what's your favorite thing about this country William I know you're a patriot oh my God probably just the good people over at Kelloggs I recently tried something other than all B and Bud Stony it's the kind that look like little shreds and it's almost I think it's even better and has a little less sugar because last time redband was telling me aubre and buds has a little too much sugar and oh my gosh Redban is that a haircut it looks like I could see that [ __ ] fat roll on the back of your neck even better now you nasty [ __ ] wow God do your head back a little bit let see that you got him to straighten his head do your head back a little bit yeah it's so sick it does look a little bit like a [ __ ] butt red B [ __ ] it's a hot it's it's I like it though yeah it is there you go what are you talking about no till your head back oh yeah there it is oh yeah you dirty [ __ ] oh God thanks [Music] William so William you're trying new cereal the AC is working it is cold and loud in your place um you're not doing anything to block the sound you're on a low sugar cereal diet what else is going on William anything else that you're passionate about right now God stay at the night IST uh Hotel there's some hotel called Hotel Cecilia I had to stay there this past week it was a wonderful uh pleasure there's a table of women laughing and you seem mad at the laughter now seems like you seems like a weird place to laugh cuz obviously nobody else is laughing I shouldn't have even started telling that story and it's like why did you [ __ ] why would you start oh look at those girl is that what it's coming from right there God how long have you two been together are you are you implying that they're lesbians yeah it looks like it are you not about dikes is that what's going on there it looks like a couple dkes at that [ __ ] table Tony I can't even sleep at night it's so loud in the [ __ ] apartment dude I'm really horribly on edge right now I swear to God and it's been a long episode I'm just not feeling it and it's like you got a couple [ __ ] dikes [ __ ] look at those [ __ ] if you need help sleeping perhaps Joe Biden can give you some good advice uh Joe sure any time I try I have a tough time falling asleep which is just about never I lay in bed and I think of uh I think of this set so Joe Biden I've been curious who's [ __ ] calling the shots we know you're the one not calling the shots who's calling the shots who's the Puppet Master behind the disaster this [ __ ] Joe Biden right now seriously let me know who's [ __ ] controlling you right now cuz we know it's not not you are you done I thought I broke my tooth I did you break your tooth that would be pretty awesome if you did we would pay for it thank you if it happened on the show we would pay for it we would well I mean yeah we would take it out of the overall budget of the show y'all heard it he's going to fix my teeth well when I get reelected William what are you going to what are you going to do with all the money cuz there's a lot more Co money coming your way maybe some monkey pox money oh my gosh what would I do with that what would you do with 50 bucks tonight 50 bucks tonight other than pay for them to [ __ ] scissor in a hammock yeah are you guys really lesbians no no you're not all right well we have suck the energy out of the room million dooll question William I don't know probably get some earplugs I have to get some sort of good earplugs or some I don't know noise cancelling headphones so I'd probably do that I mean it's literally it's not good right now now so million dooll question William both candidates up here whoy who are you voting for coming this November well actually when RFK Jr was at the shows in Los Angeles he said I could be the press secretary so I'm RFK Jr all the way said I could literally be on his cabinet so that's who I'm voting for wow that is incredible that's who I'm voting for so and I'm probably never going to talk about here you go okay we're going to V on it one of the longest episodes ever my bad what a great show what an amazing show a lot of people say this is one of the best shows that's ever happened probably the best show I'm not tired or have to piss incredibly bad I'll tell you what when you have to pee and that guy's [ __ ] screaming it really hurts so wrap it up please we grew [Applause] uh how about a hand for the president of the United States Donald Trump everybody watch tires on Netflix Shaya mat secr pod patreon all of it one more time for Joe Biden ladies and gentlemen the new for the record I can hold my pee for another 15 minutes the new special and my come the new special on you Adam Ray's YouTube It's called like And subscribe speaking of which like And subscribe this show right now on this YouTube our views outweigh our subscribers so why not subscribe to the show are you okay you joking are you actually joking and that's not a character move he's actually joking right now the drawing from Ryan J Bel is in let's see the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers oh that is indeed Shane's Trump that is Shane Gillis as Donald Trump so surprise it was Adam Ray and shanee Gillis tonight how about a hand for them one more time for the best stand band the land that's Matt muing John de D Madness Charles Reed on the drums tonight we love you guys Red Band love you guys thank you so much thank you everybody good night everyone see you soon bye [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Music] [Music] [Applause] that's episode [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin Texas is now open check out Red Band Secret show every Thursday go to sunsetstrip atx.com for tickets [Music] a [Music]