what words does it do it labels start with it seems like it sounds like looks like feels like what else that's good no no how else could you start potentially start a label it seems it sounds it looks and feels let's talk about switching out the first word from it to what you yes exactly now here's what we need you guys to come to accept and it's taken us a while to come to accept this every single word has an emotional impact on the person on the other side when do words not have emotional impacts on the people on the other side or when they're dead right that's when words do not have an emotional impact limbic system which can controls this impact very much like the respiratory system when is your respiratory system no longer functioning when you dead how much control do you have over your breathing nine hold your breath can you hold your breath okay hold your breath now just keep it that way for a while [Laughter] so it's a great analogy that's how much control we have our over our limbic system pretty much the same amount tell yourself to calm down you keep yourself under control from about as long as you can hold your breath what's the point of why I'm saying this the word it has a different impact on the other person who Ward you does the word I has a different impact emotional impact on the other person in reward you has it you I we every single single word has an emotional impact give you a quick example to begin to graph the subtle nature of this because this is subtle it'll be invisible which means until you know what it is yourself it looks like your David Blaine you're working magic you actually have superpowers and as soon as we explain it it would be like if we explained to David Blaine magic trick to you that's obvious everybody can see that all right so when I became an FBI high when I when I was an FBI agent and wanted to be a hostage negotiator I knew that in order to be a hostage negotiator had to go down to Quantico and I wasn't really enthusiastic about going down to Quantico for two weeks let alone going down there at all because Quantico is a boring place it's so boring they got a bar there to keep being entertained but once I got down there I find myself in the middle of hostage negotiators from around not just around the country but around the world and I was suddenly a member of an international negotiation community that saved lives and then while I was there I started hearing about these men and women that flew all over the world working kidnappings and I found out these people on the scent team within the hostage negotiators of the FBI and by the time the training was over I knew I wanted me be a member of the scent team now tell you the same story when you're when you're an FBI agent you want to become a hostage negotiator you find out that you got to go down to Quantico for two weeks and you're not particularly enthusiastic about being down there because Quantico is a boring place it's so boring they got a bar and you don't want to be there over the weekend but you get down and suddenly find yourself in the middle of hostage negotiators not just from across the country but from around the world and then you start hearing about these men and women with the FBI who work international kidnapping and you find out that they're members of the scent team and they fly all over the world to save lives and by the time the training is over you know you want to be a member the scent team and I told you the exact same story twice and only changed out one word and they felt different and that's the ability when you begin to understand the simplicity of this but the impact of the words your reward choices you are going to be able to have those subtle differences with every single word you pick in a negotiation and so understanding the impact of the word I and the impact of the word you and the impact of the word it the entire process will begin to slow down for you and you will have a buffet of choices to make with everything and you will decide how you want the person to feel in the next moments and you'll only get your feel and be able to do it in an instant with practice with getting your reps in so stick with the structures of the labels now you have slides there where they are written out for you some of which there's a blank we want you to hand write in these both today and in the future but this is exactly what I was just talking about the it and the you the second story every time I use the word you I reached out and touch you ever so gently and got your attention in a different way every time I use the word I it interrupted your thinking a little bit and brought the attention back to me there's some times that you want it's context-driven no word no phrase is bad or good on its face it's when it's deployed its context-driven and beginning an understanding of how to deploy but the one thing we do not want you to do is a lot of people have used this act of listening if you will which that phrase we don't even use anymore and in a labeling process and want to say what I'm hearing is that's not good that's the improper pour deployment of an active listening skill what I'm hearing is there's a whole bunch of reasons why that structure is it's a poor structure and it's poor timing we want you to say it seems it sounds it looks you see me sound you look at some point in time you may come across with I know you're angry that's okay but that's for an additional amount a different emotional moment as Brandon continues to say we're creating emotional moments when both Brandon and I and Derek and Isaac are talking about emotional moments at the very beginning you're like I don't know what an emotional moment is but now we're beginning to describe to you in specificity what those are and when and how to create them [Music] [Applause]