hi everyone and welcome back to another podcast episode my name is Alicia Goen the host of The Globe Secrets podcast where I help you expand your mind and become more self-aware so you can glow up into the best version of yourself hello how are we doing I hope everyone is doing good I feel so cozy and just like kind of like snuggled up right now because it's raining outside it's gloomy it is a holiday Monday here in Canada and I'm just really excited to be recording so listen this topic has been so requested truthfully I always get this question about how to become your own safe space how do you feel safe within your own life and how to really build a relationship with yourself so we're going to dive into it today and I want to read a comment that was left on one of my podcast episodes that really made me think about this needs to be a whole entire episode because I was going to respond to her and I'm like girl like I have way too many points now I think this is a girl regardless of whoever it is and whatever type of relationship ship that they are in they're in a relationship so they said I'm lost on how to build a relationship with myself and how to choose myself even when I realize I'm putting the spotlight on my relationship and not myself I don't know how to turn it back to myself and not obsessed and be anxious over the relationship so when we're talking about not having a relationship towards self usually it is in the context of relationships like you realize you don't have a relationship towards yourself when you're in a romantic relationship and you realize like you're losing yourself or you haven't been prioritizing yourself or you're usually you have like Tendencies to be anxiously attached or even maybe avoidant cuz sometimes avoidant people don't have the best relationship with themselves regardless usually that comes up a lot or it could even just be in a work environment or your goals like you just find that you're exerting yourself and you just you don't know how to have a relationship with yourself you don't have to spend time with yourself it feels weird Etc so in this episode I want to talk about why we tend to not have relationships with ourselves I also want to talk about my non-negotiables when it comes to building a relationship towards myself and this is what I do to keep myself on track I want to talk about mastering the art of your own life and of course I want to talk about how to be your own safe space and this is very very tied to when you usually are triggered and I think this episode will really resonate with people who struggle with anxious attachment Styles because usually when you feel like triggered emotionally whatever it's a lot of anxiety it's a lot of just not feeling safe it's a lot of like you trying to get people to like make you feel better or you just don't know really where to even feel safe so I want to talk about that as well because at the end of the day we need to know and be with ourselves continuously until the day we die okay so as much as sometimes it feels like work to do this this is imperative for a beautiful life I promise you it might feel hard sometimes I have friends actively in my life who ask me about these things and who struggle with these things and I'm not even just going to put my friends on this like oh my God they don't know how to have a relationship with themselves and I do but I will definitely say I have put in years of work to be able to say that I'm somebody who has that deep connection towards self and so I really do get a lot of friends like close people in my life are always asking coming to me for advice which is amazing and I love that because I love to be able to be that person for them but the the main like piece of wisdom that I'm always like thinking about every time I am showing up for my friends in this way when they need to hear this which again is totally fine is like there's no other way around this you have to do it you have to commit you have to go on this journey and it's not going to feel easy all the time but there's no easier way out of it really I'm not trying to set this up to be the hardest in the world cuz it doesn't need to be it can be a beautiful journey and it's still a journey for me I'm still connecting towards myself I'm going to talk about that um I am a recovering I guess quote unquote recovering anxious attached girl I still have anxious attached um tendencies in my relationships absolutely so I'm always always learning but what I have learned is you just you got to do it and you might as well do it now than to continue to drag it along and to play out these cycles that no longer serve you in regard if you are anxiously attached or you're not whatever if you just know that you don't have a relationship with yourself or you don't feel like you ever can spend time alone with yourself or you don't know what to do with yourself when you're feeling really triggered or emotional the time really is now for you to work on these things no one is really going to save you unfortunately no one is really really going to save you but that's fine because you can save yourself and I'm going to help you okay so let's talk about why you don't have a relationship with yourself and obviously disclaimer there's many reasons I'm not going to list them all and to each their own I I don't know you personally so if you resonate with anything I'm saying then that's probably your story and if you don't totally fine now on the surface level some of the reasons why maybe you don't know how to be your own safe space and have a relationship with yourself is mainly because you just don't have the resources and maybe you don't even really know the benefits enough as to why having certain practices in place which we will talk about is helpful for you even as you become in relation to other people which is life like life is relational so sometimes I feel like we just don't have the tools um we didn't grow up with like really like knowing how to be with ourselves and enjoying that process and things like that and what is really important and what is really not so we will talk about that in my non-negotiables and the Deep rooted one which is definitely tied to people who are like anxiously attached and when you're anxiously attached you're usually people pleasing you're a really good person and you're just trying to make everyone else like you or love you or you always think that you're the issue or you're not good enough this is a dee rooted worthiness issue this is a attachment style issue from childhood I grew up for sure for sure trying to please a parent that I was afraid of so I did everything that I possibly could to be the best kid ever and that relayed out into my romantic relationships with men it didn't necessarily do that with uh friendships I've talked about many times I have like an avoidant attachment sometimes and also anxious it definitely shows up in my romantic relationships and that is usually when we realize we have lost ourselves that is usually when we realize we don't have that solid relationship with ourselves because a lot of the times when you don't really commit to yourself and you are with yourself all the time you find yourself doing those those behaviors which we're going to talk about and something to see here is when you have low selfworth when you don't really feel worthy when you feel like you have to be that person that is overe explaining and trying to show people why they should choose you you really do take your energy and your power away from yourself you're no longer with yourself and the reason why you do some of these behaviors is actually because you're trying to feel safe but you're trying to feel safe in the wrong ways meaning I'll bring it to my child childhood the way that I learned how to be actually safe and like not die was to have my parent like me and love me and be happy with me but my parent was emotionally like he wasn't like that mature he was avoidant he was strict he was whatever and so I had to be a certain way in order to get his approval and love and validation I did that to feel safe because that's what you do as a child you don't know how to be safe within your own self you need your parents to teach you how to do that you need people to be there and and make you feel safe and it's also not to mean that you don't need that when you're an adult obviously connection is great but it's a different type of relationship that you have to have with yourself as an adult but what you tend to do as you're an adult is you're still doing those behaviors that you did in childhood of the oh my gosh okay I'm going to people please or I'm going to get anxious if you don't text me back because oh my gosh that means I'm not loved I'm not liked the same way that like you know my dad was acting or my mom was acting or whatever whoever it was it was acting and then that leads you into a deeper issue which is you end up getting the bare minimum from people because you have no standard you have no boundaries you become uneasy all of the time you're obsessive you are away from yourself which can lead us into some of the ways it looks like to not have a relationship with yourself and I just came up with a few things just to list to give you guys examples but there could be like a million of them one could be analyzing others behaviors and assuming things without clear communication with that person or with whatever it is that you are thinking about and also talking to your friends over and over again about the assumptions that you have that are negative that are based out of insecurity when you are somebody who is doing that you're not with yourself okay so this is just I really want you to see some of these examples how it's either them or you it's either that thing that's distressing you or you when you are overanalyzing somebody when you're watching them when you're checking up on them when you are talking about them when you are perpetuating the story you're not with yourself another example could just be arguing consistently with someone on the same type of thing when you are arguing a lot this is not to say that arguments are not allowed to be had but when you're constantly like always arguing on the same thing and like again always ruminating on the same thing it it shows to me for one and this is for me like myself too it shows for me that like I'm clearly not able to communicate my needs and I don't even know what I want so I need to like bring my attention back to my myself and figure out what I need and how to communicate with that person um because all I'm doing is arguing and I'm away from myself again I don't have a relationship with myself because if I did have a relationship with myself I would know my needs in this relationship or in this situation and I would be able to express my needs and hold those boundaries or whatever now last week's episode how to be more emotionally mature completely talks about that so please go listen to that I'll have it linked in the description another example and this is for people who maybe don't feel like they're losing themselves necessarily in a relationship cuz maybe you're not in one or maybe you you just don't really see that too much cuz you're in like maybe a longterm relationship and maybe relationships are not your thing right now that could just be choosing consumption and play over your self-care routines so maybe you're like getting lost a lot in your social networks or you know maybe it's drinking it's partying it's smoking it's overindulging in food doesn't serve you it's like those type of things versus your self-care routines when you're doing so much of that you don't have a relationship toward yourself because if you did you would know there's a set level of things that you need to kind of have in your life to make sure that you are healthy that you are whole that you are thriving the best that you can another one could be watching people's lives on social media and consuming people's content and what they are doing over your own this could look like every morning you're doing this type of thing or you could just see your year or your month and you can see how much time are you actually focusing on you and your life and your goals and your relationships and how much are you focusing on other people's and this kind of leads into comparing yourself or even gossiping about other people's lives now there's everyone gossips okay like let's just be for real but again it's like how much energy are you expanding on other other people or watching other people and not giving yourself that energy not giving your self that attention another thing could just be you're stretching yourself too thin whether that is because you're trying to hit goals or you're trying to have accomplishments in your life or maybe you just have so much fomo that you're constantly going out and you're constantly just like leaving yourself leaving yourself leaving yourself obviously that is going to really impact the relationship that you have towards yourself and that shows to me that you don't really have that solid relationship with yourself and I think the biggest indicator of you not having a relationship with yourself is when you are triggered in the moments of you know relationship anxiety you know your attachment style is flaring up right now or you're comparing yourself or you just have a low week or a low day or something's not really working out you leave yourself versus be with yourself so you go and go party and drink and smoke and do extracurricular activities that are not healthy for you or you binge or you become very avoidant you don't deal with your issues you don't deal with your problems that is all you leaving yourself and your energy and your honestly your inner child which just perpetuates the issue because what you actually need in those moments is to feel the most safe you've ever felt and that's why you're going to these things to make yourself feel better but none of these things actually really do it for you because obviously it just goes in a little bit of a cycle and then you realize okay none of that was helpful at all and you kind of are LED back to the same conclusion but maybe you just don't have the tools to get yourself back there or again maybe you don't really know the benefits of doing that or see how they correlate or you just don't have these non-negotiables put in place to combat how much you are leaving yourself and this is what I want to talk about next is like non-negotiables because in my early 20s for sure I left myself all the time I always left myself the moment that I like was in a relationship whether it was a text whether it was a call whether it was they want to do something or they want it this way or their timeline or whatever it was I just always left myself especially when I wasn't feeling good I would just then try to ease my emotions and my triggers with leaving myself and trying to get other people to make me feel good just never never never never never worked until I realized that there are going to be things that need to be put in place in my life in order to keep me stable and to keep me strong and to keep me with myself and the more times I did this I started to feel so at peace with my life so calm so not needing that person that was giving me the bare minimum so not needing to go out all the time so not needing the alcohol the food the whatever to make me feel something because I felt okay with myself okay quick Ally I just needed to take a quick break so if you're watching on YouTube I have my sweater on now okay so let's talk about my non-negotiables when it comes to building a relationship towards myself and I kind of want to talk about why these things are important so I'm going to try not to go on rant but I mean this is a long form podcast and you're going to get it so the first thing is daily mindset work and the way I need to stress this to you whoever it is that's listening to this podcast right now and you feel like you don't have a relationship with yourself this needs to be the top of your priority list honestly always with most things mainly everything in your life okay why I am so good at what I do when it comes to my podcast and how I have so much advice and knowledge and how I'm getting through things and I'm learning and I'm upleveling and I'm growing and I'm healing is because I have a commitment to working on my mindset and working on the beliefs that I hold and working on how I view myself in the world and I'm always committed to that I'm always learning I'm always listening to podcasts I'm always investing in myself I am a Seeker I am just that person now you don't have to be exactly like me you don't have to always be into self-development I think that there are balances in which you know sometimes you get a little bit too much into it and too much into mindset work but I find a big theme with the people who tend to always ask me the questions of how do I have a relationship with myself their main thing is they don't have a daily practice of working on their beliefs that they hold about themselves and their lives and the people around them and men and women and what they get to have in their lives whatever now what do I mean by daily mindset work this could be having a journal practice every single morning this could be listening to podcasts that get your mind right that could be you learning on a new topic to learn more about yourself and why I'm saying every day is because you think every day you think thoughts that create your belief system every day okay so if you have really shitty thoughts and really shitty belief systems which a lot of us do from childhood your anxious Detachment style the way you look at yourself the way you've been taught to be raised and look at the world and this that a lot of that stuff is not favorable but the problem is you're running on that you're running on a system every single day that tells you you're good enough or you're not good enough and a lot of people who don't have a relationship with themselves they're going to default back to the I'm not good enough because you don't spend time every single day reminding yourself I'm good enough you don't have that practice of redirecting your mind and it's challenging it's not necessarily the easiest thing but this is what I mean when I say that I find people like to try and like dance around actually doing the work um and uh we do this a lot because it's really hard like it's constantly like every day you have to combat your thoughts when you're feeling really anxious or triggered but that is really the work and now you don't always have to always think good thoughts I'm going to talk about that when it comes to being your own safe space but yeah the work does start daily on your mindset and why is that important it's important because you know when you're acting out of an anxious attachment style let's say you have not the best beliefs about yourself you don't feel like you're worthy deep down you really don't or you wouldn't be second guessing yourself you need to be telling yourself a new story about what gets to happen in your life or relationships but also you having a daily practice of working on your mindset and knowing yourself is going to allow you to be able to communicate better in relationships and in this world and for you to get the things that you want in your life for you to meet your needs in healthier ways in your life but what you do is you get into a relationship or you get into some sort of dynamic with people places or things and then you're crying about the fact that it's not the way that you want but you didn't show up the way that you actually wanted it to go you showed up in a way that was people pleasing you showed up in a way that was insecure you showed up in a way of not being able to communicate your needs and you're wondering why this shit's not working out you're wondering why you're not feeling safe well you didn't create safety within yourself but also you don't really have the best beliefs about yourself and that plays out when you don't have good beliefs about yourself you do behaviors that are not the best okay when you don't have a belief of I'm good enough enough I am one of one I'm chosen I can't be replaced I X Y and Z all of these things you could talk about a million beliefs all day long that you can have about yourself everyone has different ones when you don't have those beliefs about yourself that's when your attention goes on them all the time all day that's when you start checking who they're liking who they're following what they're getting up to why they responded to you in that way you are assuming that they don't like you you're assuming things based off of a tiny piece of evidence and you're coming to to conclusions and then you're acting on those conclusions and then you're ruining your entire day because you're not happy you are triggered all the time you don't even know how to communicate with yourself like all of that is stemming from all these things and all these stories and all these beliefs that are happening within your head how is that going to change you're going to need to have a practice every single day and it gets easier I don't have to like think about the fact that I have to do this like daily practice the same way I don't have to think about the fact that oh my God every single day I have to brush my teeth I just do it it's just something that I do and you want to find your flavor which I'm going to talk about the art of mastering your own life but at the end of the day you need to always be connected to yourself and your beliefs and your thoughts and if they're not good and they're not favorable you need to be the one to change them and you can go and seek help obviously you're listening to this podcast you can go to therapy you can go to your friends this that but you really need to commit to doing that because that dictates everything I think I saw a quote the other day on Pinterest where it said master your mind because one bad thought can ruin your entire day and it's so true the next thing that's a non-negotiable is daily movement and you might be thinking like it's surface level advice when it comes to having a relationship with yourself this that but no no no no no especially when you have an anxious attachment style but in general you just I don't know if you don't have relationship with yourself then you don't back yourself in some way you don't stand in your worth you don't have that power you're not holding your power okay so what can help you feel like you have more power and feel really good about yourself is moving your body why there's many reasons one moving your body in general needs to be done because you need to move stagnant energy within your your body system even if you don't see it or you don't necessarily connect to it or you don't necessarily feel it or whatever you need to move your body and you need to move that energy that is stuck within your body you could be walking every day you could be having a set routine in the mornings you can be going at night you can be tapping into when you need to actually move your body you need go in that direction that's something that I have learned the art of my body and my rhythm but every single day I'm moving okay every single day I'm honoring myself so obviously doing that helps with your mental Clarity you always feel better when you're moving your body it lowers stress anxiety things like that but it also makes you feel good about yourself okay if you're on your every single day you're going to be less likely to have have these insecure thoughts about yourself when real life things happen Okay because they will happen you're going to get triggered in your life you're going to get triggered in relationships but the way you stop spiraling into those things is you fall back on what you know to be true about yourself but the reason why you have nothing to fall back on is because you don't have that daily mindset practice and committing to the thoughts that you want to think that are actually good also moving your body and taking care of yourself and now yes we want to look at moving your body daily movement things like that as a way that's reducing stress mental health this that but you know we all have that side of us that like we want to physically look better and we kind of like want to be our best selves on the outside so yeah you can use that as a way to kind of boost up your ego a little bit like go ahead if you want to say that you go to the gym all the time and you look fit and you look hot and you look sexy do it obviously that makes you feel good like it makes me feel good knowing that I don't lead with that that is not what I where I get my confidence from fully but I would be lying to say that you know obviously I feel good about myself because I move my body and I have a great body because I'm taking care of myself and that obviously plays some sort of role in my relationship especially romantic obviously like especially if you're in a relation to well I mean I guess it depends on who you're dating it doesn't really matter but it's okay to care about looks it's not everything that actually should be the least important thing about yourself in my personal opinion but to say that it doesn't exist is I don't know I think it's a lie and it doesn't need to be uh a thing where we erase now that leads into the next thing which is basically daily Wellness daily meals and self-care okay why is this important it kind of leads back to what I was saying about working out you feel better about yourself when you're taking care of your body and you're sleeping and you're eating the right foods for yourself and that even goes beyond anything you can even change with your mindset and I mean your mindset in my personal opinion dictates a lot of things but there's some days where your mindset like you can't get yourself to think good thoughts or you just can't get there and that's fine and that's when you need to learn and master the art of of your life and know that you know what maybe that workout or maybe that good meal is going to be the thing that makes me feel good today and that's that and that's going to boost your self-esteem or that's going to make you feel like this and I think we would be really surprised to see how much we don't really realize how that actually impacts us and I know that we know that it's important to eat well move your body and wellness and this that but I always see and I say this with myself yes but I always see patterns in other people like obviously I observed people all the time I observe myself yes but I do observe other people and I'm going to use other people as an example but you could put me in that category okay when I see friends I'm saying friends because that's literally the only people that would really be talking to me or you guys but I don't really know you guys too much except for whatever you kind of tell me in the DMS or comments but I I can see a very big correlation from their self-care or lack of self-care with the anxiety-ridden thoughts and that's no shade and it's always apparent in my life too I'm not taking care of my body I'm not being consistent with myself I'm not committing to myself I'm not really having a joural practice I haven't really been eating well I I drank i x y and Zed things and I'm crying about the fact that I'm feeling anxiously attached right now or I'm doing behaviors that I don't want to be doing or oh my God why I don't have relationship with myself or oh my God I don't feel safe within myself sometimes it's actually as simple as that okay and on top of that you feel Elite in my personal opinion you feel Elite when you know you're on your okay ain't nobody tell me nothing when I am on my okay you can't tell me a single thing no avoidant man on planet Earth can make me feel any sort of way when I have my 9:30 hot yoga class booked on a Saturday morning and I didn't drink last night and I'm waking up and I'm doing my journal routine and taking my supplements and I'm feeling good AF ain't nobody can tell me not a thing okay so that is daily and it is a struggle trust me I have been there okay it it's taken me years to be able to even consistently focus on these things daily okay so I'm not saying like all of a sudden you're going to have to change your life in one day and everything needs to be daily read my book please ultimate glow guide will be linked down below if you really struggle with taking care of yourself and showing up and um getting out of self-sabotaging behaviors and Cycles because that will absolutely dive deeper into it for you because I totally get that but I'm telling you right now these are my non-negotiables I I'm 28 years old I'm moving into being 29 November every year that I get older I realize there's no way you can slice the goddamn pie okay you got to get these things done you need to focus on these things the same way you need to brush your teeth every single day and the last thing that I think actually is sometimes even bigger than the wellness and the mindset but not really cuz I I always put mindset like on the top and this is another thing that I see a direct correlation a direct cor correlation between and this is me too especially when I was earlier in my 20s is when people don't have goals or they don't have something that they're working towards bigger than themselves and their anxious attachment behaviors or they're not feeling good within themselves low self-esteem whatever you need to have something that you're working towards now this could literally be you just having a job okay some people literally don't have jobs like let me just tell you guys that um some people don't have jobs and I'm not throwing any shade for you if you listen to this and you don't have a job maybe you're too young to have a job maybe you're in school right now like maybe you are a mom and you're not working right now maybe you mental health issue chronic health issue and you can't work right now whatever the reason is there's absolutely no shade but when you do not have something that you're working towards in any sort of capacity it is no wonder sometimes where you don't feel good within yourself and I know the times when I had chronic illness and I could not work I had to take a leave of absence and I was struggling and you know what I did in those times again I talked about this in my book I got so clear with being positive about my future and thinking about the goals that I wanted to accomplish even as I was healing even though I couldn't do everything I wanted to do I had like all of like dream boards and mood Boards of all these things that I wanted to do I always had something that I was anchored in that I was hopeful for you need to have something like that and this honestly like adjacent if we want to think about it is more like being spiritually connected or even having some sort of like religion or like some sort of Faith or whatever I think that you need to be rooted in something and I I find that the times where I am losing myself I don't have a connection towards myself I don't have those things in place I'm not excited about something I don't have a passion I don't have a goal I don't have something I'm working towards I am not like maybe I just didn't have a job at that point or I wasn't making money or whatever it's no wonder you feel bad about yourself you know it's no wonder you have these behaviors that you know are not contributing to your well-being I think also having goals a job a you know vision for yourself in your life is going to help you in times where you feel low self-esteem and you're comparing yourself which is also helpful for those who might be anxiously attached because usually you don't have a lot of selfworth so especially in relationships if you know for some reason that person is like doing a behavior you don't want them to be doing or it makes you feel like crap you have nothing to really fall back on because you look in your life and you're like well I don't have goals I haven't accomplished anything I'm not moving my body I'm not taking care of myself and have shitty beliefs like it's actually no wonder that you feel like like honestly it makes sense to even be feeling like that so I think that making sure you have some sort of goals within your your life is important and if you don't know what that is right now seek go seek please stop spending time around people who don't have any goals stop wasting your life away thinking that one day it's just going to be sat on your lap go out in the world go learn something about yourself go listen stop caring about the that does not matter stop caring about how you look on Instagram or how to edit your photo or if this guy likes me when he literally is out here doing his own thing stop doing that please please please and I'm saying that with like as much love as I can obviously like I have been through it I still well I really don't do this with like goals and work stuff but in my early 20s I can say I definitely was kind of more like that I think that I learned this lesson very very early on I say this all the time because I had to grow up very very quickly and quite frankly nobody was holding my hand nobody was paying my bills no one was doing anything I was very very unsafe in my life so I really had to find something and I had to find it quick and I had to work my ass off and I had to do these things even if I didn't want to so I feel like I just learned learned this lesson very early in my life but there's definitely lessons um outside of that that I didn't learn like self-care and really taking care of myself um th those were things that kind of pulled me back when it came to self-esteem and confidence Within Myself and in relationships now there's many more things that you could do daily and you're going to figure that out for yourself but those four things I genuinely believe are the groundwork you need to lay for yourself if you don't have a relationship with yourself and you find that you're feeling very like unstable please do not come to me and I'm saying this like literally as a joke come to me whenever you want with all your problems even if you listen to this episode and you're still triggered because I totally get it cuz that's not how humans work but I'm just saying that like in passing right now don't come to me crying about the fact that your life is a mess or you don't feel good about yourself if those things are not in place okay and one last thing I want to say about this is those four things that I just listed those things heal your nervous system the more you're consistent with thinking good thoughts you're going to be at rest the more you move your body you're going to be at rest the more you honor your body the more you eat well and prioritize your self-care routines you're going to be at rest the more you have a goal and a passion and something that you're working towards and you're excited about doesn't mean you're going to be excited about it every single day but you have something you can ground yourself in you're going to be at rest when you're at rest you stop running away from yourself in your life you realize hm I can be with myself today even if I have the worst day it's not feeling the best you know what I can think about all the things that I've been working towards and all the things that I can ground myself in and all the tools that I can grab and use when I need to ground myself versus trying to get somebody to make me feel good or trying to run away from myself with using things that I know don't serve me now let's quickly talk about mastering the art of your own life and this could honestly be a separate podcast so I don't want to go too deep into it but those things that are non-negotiable like those are just things that like basically everyone should be doing right the same way you should just be brushing your teeth every day but there's just going to be things that are so your flavor and so unique to you that you need to start now understanding about yourself and what you need okay so when it comes to like social life and things that you're going to consume and places you're going to move in the world and environments you want to be around and your routines and your everything they're going to be so unique to you and this is where the real work is okay and this is something that I am still going through and guess what I'm going to be going through it until the day I die because I'm a human being and I go through seasons of life I go through different chapters I go through different experiences maybe this time I've healed something over here and now there's something new that comes up here I have anxious attachment maybe somebody else has avoidant I have this entire story of my life maybe you have a different thing okay so everyone is different so you're going to need to know yourself and I think this is where sometimes we either throw the information that you might hear about those four non-negotiables that I just listed because maybe it just seems like very vague and like oh doesn't work for you because you've tried it before you've tried mindset work or you've tried workouts every day or you've tried like wellness but did you try it your way though and this is what I mean there's certain ways that you can Journal there's self-concept there's affirmations there's just talking to yourself through your higher self or maybe connecting to yourself doesn't mean journaling and it means going out into nature and thinking in a meditative State and you're not having any sort of thing in your ear or anyone telling you anything and you're actually connecting to yourself that way or maybe it's going to therapy and it's this type of therapy versus that type of therapy maybe it's this style of content or podcaster versus the other there's going to be people who resonate with you and people who don't you need to find what works for you don't just sit here and be like Oh journaling doesn't work or listening to podcasts don't work or that doesn't work keep seeking out what works for you you will find something but I feel like what we do in our lives is we just give up oh like working out doesn't work for me okay well maybe like weightlifting didn't work for you but what about trying at home workouts that are free does that work for you uh what times of the day work for you when it comes to working out what type of field do you want to be working in and don't give me the excuse of being like oh well there's no jobs out there or I can't figure it out or um it's too hard or I don't have schooling for that okay so then what is your plan of action to be able to get yourself from a b to see you can do it you have time you're alive you might as well do it even when it comes to socializing what places do you like to move around what places don't feel good for you does clubbing work for you or does it not maybe you like concerts more maybe you like festivals maybe you want to do day things and you no longer want to do night things and if you know then you know what I'm talking about it CU that's literally me I am like super into day things and I am not drinking anymore because that just doesn't work for my lifestyle well the drinking thing the day things definitely do so there's just a flavor of life in which I like to move and be but in order for me to even know all those things I need to have those things in place those daily mindset Wellness working out moving my body having a goal in mind and being consistent with that and that opens up space for curiosity that opens up space for knowing huh when I put myself in a position over here socially with people at 2: a.m. at a club I don't feel good doing this but sometimes we put ourselves in these places over here where we don't feel good doing this but we don't know how to even get ourselves out because we don't spend time during the day or every single day connecting to what about this thing doesn't make me feel good is it the people is it just the fact that it's 2: a.m. is it the fact that it's the alcohol like what is it specifically within that thing is it the entirety of the whole thing then great I'm going to start to remove myself but you don't give yourself the chance to do that because you don't commit to yourself but you're crying about everyone else not committing to you you're wondering why you don't get consistent results in your life now I think there's two main reasons why we don't have our non-negotiables and just like a relationship towards ourself put in place one of them being we can't differentiate between having our non-negotiables and learning like what the flavor of our lives are and being able to balance the two which again this is why I say it's like mastering the art of your own life you you need to take a lot of time and a lot of reflection to see when you lose yourself right because like we could lose our daily negotiables simply by Falling too much in the category of having like not even too much fun in our lives but just you know going out and socializing a lot and not having certain things in place obviously to make it so that we're always like disconnected from ourselves so it's no wonder you don't feel like you have a relationship with with yourself or you don't feel safe within yourself it's because you really don't know how to balance the two and so getting good with being committed to those non-negotiables but also just being curious about actually what works for you and what doesn't because when you can go out into the world socially and find what works for you and what doesn't you will find yourself being able to balance the the wellness versus like social life a lot better but if you're not real with yourself about what you like and what you don't when you go out into the world you're not really going to know when to pull back like for me I know that drinking in late nights literally don't feel good to me in any sort of way and I don't get any benefit out of doing that so I'm going to remove myself any time where there's any social situation and it's kind of leading in that direction and I pull myself back it doesn't mean that I completely distance myself it means that I have a little bit of social interaction and however that looks and then I come back to myself and now I'm living a balanced life I know when I'm on my period there's certain phases that I go through that I need to pull my energy towards myself and there's sometimes where I can kind of exert more of that energy I know that about myself but the next thing that I think is the reason why we don't necessarily have this strong sense of being with ourselves is when we get triggered from real life things our default position usually is to feel safe and in order to feel safe we have learned to leave ourselves to go over here please like me please love me let me people please let me act out of scarcity because I believe I can't get I want whatever it is right versus coming inwards which is exactly what we need when we are feeling triggered that is the most important thing that we need when we're feeling triggered and that leads me into talking about being your own safe space what I listed when it came to the non-negotiables you will see if you actually be consistent with that that you feel safe within your own self you really will and I'm not saying that that is the most Flawless formula for a perfect sense of safety of course uh some of those things let's say like the mindset work part of that might be you having connection with other people to make you feel like your mindset is in a healthy place maybe that looks like also therapy things like that right but you will start to feel a lot more safe in your life because you're also regulating your nervous system when you're doing those things but also the thing that I missed for years beyond the non-negotiables and figuring out what works for me and all these habits and this that cuz that's great the thing I missed the most was realizing that all I really need in the moments that I am triggered is just to be with myself and stop running away from myself I don't even need to fix anything okay and what that looks like and again I'm going to link my episode from last week because you just need to go listen to that it's about reparenting and and and being with yourself and being emotionally mature you don't even need to try and change the way you feel about things so let's say even when you're anxious you're allowed to feel anxious it makes sense why you're triggered you're you're probably triggered from something that's like deep within your childhood and your automatic thing is to try and fix that and it's normal because you want to feel safe but the way you're doing that is usually from other people but even when you try and fix it from a place of tapping into your own habits your daily habits sometimes you don't even need to do that really all you really need to do first is connect with yourself and be like okay what do I need right now what do I need to tell myself who do I need to go to that's going to help me me feel really safe and not from a place of like like people pleasing like the anxious attachment behaviors that you know don't serve you actually being resourceful but really just being with yourself in those emotions or in this scarcity or whatever it is that you're feeling and acknowledge it and get so curious with yourself and not trying to rid yourself of these actual deep real things or feelings that you're feeling so here's a few reminders of becoming your own safe space when your attention is on them when your attention is on any negative circumstance you are no longer with yourself and the only thing you need in those moments is to be with yourself and being with yourself does not mean being in your room alone isolated being with yourself is connecting with yourself and saying what do I need in this moment do I need connection with people who are going to actually make me safe right now do I need to reach out to someone do I need to journal with myself do I have to self-reflect do I need to move my body do I need to take care of myself do I need to commit back to myself what I need but you are never going to find safety in something that triggered you into feeling unsafe which leads me into just another reminder of when you are not feeling safe you're feeling very triggered your nervous system is in fight or flight and your nervous system is in fight or flight because you are not with yourself bringing it back to those non-negotiables when you start to do that on a daily basis you will find you are not so stressed and consumed with other people other things other or anything because you have spent your time regulating your nervous system to bring that energy down and back to yourself another thing when you are triggered the only thing you should be thinking of is to go deeper into yourself and your habits versus going deeper into someone else's actions or going deeper into the circumstance that is distressing you and actually this weekend I would say was a great reflection or a great example of me keeping my relationship towards myself because I got triggered within my romantic life and um I already knew how it could go it could either go I go deeper in this person or I go deeper Within Myself and at first sometimes it feels really unstable it doesn't necessarily feel good and this is coming from somebody who works on her mindset daily who has been like literally like right now in my life I've been so good with my Wellness my self-care my everything I always have goals really and I'm you know I have my podcast things like that and I still of course got triggered so when I did get triggered the things that I did was I made sure that those non-negotiables were literally like extra solid so I did daily mindset work but like every single time that I had a shitty thought I would go into my journal or I would go into my notes app or I would speak out to myself out loud or I would like put on a podcast or affirmations that I needed to remind myself what I needed to in that moment pertaining to the thing that I was triggered about because I already knew what this was it was just a thing that was coming up from like you know an anxious attachment thing that it's not real those those beliefs are not real those things are not real and I know that if I keep spiraling in that my actions are going to follow that I already know how the game goes I've been doing it for a while so thankfully I knew and had all the resources that I needed which I think definitely go back to last week's episode because I talk about having an emotional self-care toolkit essentially so I I put those things in place and I made sure that those were the first things that I was focusing on my mindset which was all day for about a solid day and then kind of leading into the next day and to the next day but really that first day so I did exactly what I need to do and this was a moment to moment feeling this is what happens when you're triggered in your emotions it's like this inner child that comes online and wants to keep coming online keep coming online and keep going on this emotional roller coaster you have to keep bringing it down and wants to go back up and you got to keep bringing her down and that's what you have to do you have to commit to yourself when you're going through those times and I find I watch people who get super super triggered they don't do that they go to trying to have everyone else regulate themselves and then they usually go into like okay I'm going to go out and like party or drink or something like that which I totally understand because a lot of people don't understand how to even be with themselves on that emotional roller coaster but I'm just saying like that's usually what ends up happening I have learned over the years that that does not work it makes everything worse anyways and then you don't end up actually growing because you didn't really address the issue regardless bring it back to me I did my mindset work literally like every hour every single time I needed to and and it depending on the severity of the situation that you're in yeah maybe you need like a lot of mindset work that day maybe you don't need as much whatever you just need to tap into yourself and be like what do I need what do I need to hear and you go and you resource that out you you don't sit around and you wait you don't wait for someone else to make you feel good you don't do that so that's what I did and then I made sure that I was like really consistent on my my Wellness moving my body and I I find that like when I'm even if it's not like anxious triggered relationship thing it is um like a a mood thing sometimes I really struggle with my mood ludal phase issues things like that I make sure to make wellness and moving as least resistance as possible and the past weekend I just booked hot yoga classes like every single day I was like you know what I'm not even going to leave it up to chance of me having motivation to go to the gym and like being super motivated to like do like a weightlifting like gym session this that like I I was so okay with changing my um workout schedule which again coming back to like mastering the art of you in your life you just need to know yourself you need to know if you're really going to actually get up and go do that workout or not depending on your mood that day or depending on X Y and Z and and I know myself another thing that I did was to just think about the goals that I had and I mean I'm actively always like working towards them right now when it comes to like my podcast YouTube things like that so I didn't have to do too much of that because that didn't really like didn't do it for me which is fine like not every single negotiable non-negotiable sorry thing is going to make you feel at ease again you got to really just tap into what's going to make you feel the best but whatever like everything's going well with my work anyways but another thing that I did was I really connected to like my social life because I wanted that like there was no need for me to even be in a spiral or in this like anxious just like energy I didn't need that and and what helped me though get out of that and actually go socially connect was to make sure that I was doing the mindset work first because the day that I was like triggered I did the mindset work like literally all day I talked to my friend that knew my situation and like she really helped me like stabilize myself and like think about it rationally and I opened up to her and that's another thing like you really got to open up to people and you really got to go seek out that help you got to do it for yourself but once I was able to put myself at ease I was actually able to think clearly and be like you know what I have life to live I'm going out and I'm going to live my damn life and this is okay so I when I was triggered was the day after I went to the first thing that I did this weekend what I did this weekend was on Friday I went to party next door and Drake and it was so fun and I went with my friend Emily um I met her on this brand trip that I went on and it was so amazing like I'm literally in love with her I love it we just had such a good time we're like two Scorpios peas and a freaking pod but the reason why I'm bringing this up is I made plans that that were specific to what I knew I was going to feel good doing there was a few other things that I could have done this weekend that I just knew wouldn't lead me to feeling regulated in my nervous system whether it was just like putting myself around certain people or even consuming things like alcohol which I didn't I didn't drink um because I just knew that that was not going to be thing coming back to mastering your own life but also like I'll bring it to um another thing on the Saturday when I was actually triggered and I was talking to one of my friends my friend was like oh come to this barbecue is like a last minute thing it had nothing to do with anyone that was there and my best friend was there but I just knew myself and I knew if I didn't spend the time that I needed to do on like my mindset and like work on myself and like regulate myself this way I would have been not well if I went to this thing because I'd be first surrounded by people that I just like didn't really know and I just know myself and I need to hear like certain affirmations I need like Journal a million times like I just need to do that kind of stuff in order to keep me sane and I will say though like I I had to really like be real with myself and I said if I'm not going to go and and have human connection cuz human connection is great you really need to know when you need it and when you don't but I just knew this specific situation wasn't going to be it for me but I said if I'm going to stay home I'm going to commit to myself and I'm going to do this thing and I'm not going to sit here and be a lonely little mess and cry about my life and go into this spiral because I don't deserve it and I don't want it and I know this game and it's not happening and I can get out of this and it's and I can move past this and I can move through this and I can be with myself and I'm going to do that and when I made that decision like I said I did all my mindset work I turned around my entire day I ended up what did I end up doing I don't really know but the highlight of my day really was I I think I had a nap and then I woke up um I was just listening to like calming music all day I was listening to affirmations I was not listening or watching anything that was going to like trigger me I wasn't responding also to like the actual thing that was happening in my life when it came to like my relationship irrelevant like literally DEC compartmentalize put that over there it's actually so irrelevant not when I'm in this date thank you and I went out and I brought like a little blanket and I decided to go Journal outside it was like beautiful weather and I just had this like just this beautiful nervous system regulation come to Jesus moment and I journaled and I actually came up with this idea of having the podcast which is is something that I usually do and I don't even intend to do it but that's usually what happens and I felt so good to the point where I got home and I said you know what I'm saying yes to go to Val Music Festival because I know I'm going to be good because this is the thing me and my friend were thinking about going this that and then we didn't make any plans and we just didn't even get any tickets and I was thinking like H I don't want to put myself in places where I might be triggered with anything you know you sometimes when you go out you see people you hear music you do things and it triggers you I'm very very very like can't do that I'm not putting myself in that situation so it was kind of like didn't know if I wanted to even do that cuz I didn't know where I would be mentally but from that night I felt so freaking good that I ended up booking a hot yoga class on Sunday morning and I like had my whole day I felt so good from the day before to the point where I was like literally like I didn't react to anything it was so behind me I felt so good I felt so solid so much more of my power came back to myself and then me and my friend or my friend honestly she's a plug she ended up getting VIP wrist brands for free for free to go to B and we went and we had an amazing time and I did not drink I did have a little tiny bit of broccoli which honestly like I'm kind of like over even doing that like sometimes when I go out cuz sometimes when I go out to concerts depending on like if I depending on what I do honestly I'll have a little sum sum um but like I didn't even really need it but regardless it was amazing time and I felt so good and I was so happy that I was like getting the most out of summer because it's August right now and I'm like damn I'm this is where I should be right now I shouldn't be sad about anyone I shouldn't be crying about anything ain't nobody got time to do that okay but the truth is I'm a human being and I go through this and I got home I end up getting home so freaking late though because it's just it's val music festival like you get out late and you get home whatever but I had my boundaries this that and then I woke up and I was fine so I turned around my day based off of going deeper Within Myself and knowing what I needed versus leaving myself and I feel like sometimes we just search for like this thing that's going to make us feel good but it's like you are going to make yourself feel good I promise you it's you it's nobody else it's not especially the person that made you feel unsafe I promise you that I promise you that I promise you that and it is an art and it is a commitment and it is a journey please understand that but you have to learn how to do that and you need to show up as much as you can every single day and not every sing single day is going to be perfect but you need to be with yourself even on those imperfect days let yourself cry let yourself be messy remind yourself that you didn't ruin anything if you didn't do things perfectly or you didn't do your non-negotiables perfectly you keep going and you keep trying and you keep committing to yourself because you deserve it and that is what we are here to do and when you do that you find it gets reflected in your life I promise you that it's been reflected in my relationships even though sometimes I have a little bit of Tiff that this that and the third it gets reflected in my relation relationships and on top of that I get deeper into what exactly I want in my relationships but also in my life right my goals my uh Wellness I figure out what works for me what doesn't social situations this works for me this doesn't but I'm never going to know that unless I connect to myself I I'm never going to know if you know how many drinks that I need or not or like who I want to go out with on what days and and what type of environments that I want to go out in if I don't connect to myself and I don't have this relationship right and I just want to end on this quote from Pinterest it says be in your life just for two seconds stop rushing and thinking about what's next on the agenda and the to-do list and be where you are and I can really add in stop obsessing or focusing on that thing that's really distressing you okay to continue it says open your eyes to the world around you the magic is right there in front of you waiting for you to notice it don't blink or you'll miss it open your eyes be where your feet are be present in the conversation live in each moment notice it all don't miss what's folding right in front of you because you're too busy trying to get to what comes next and we can add in you're too busy focusing on the thing that is distressing you the negative beliefs the comparison the shitty thoughts it's all it's all trying to keep you safe it's all old programming that you have been living off of that you were trained on that you know no longer need that does not serve you I promise you does not serve you but you have to be the one to remind yourself of that okay and it goes on to say there's so much goodness moving all around you every day in people in things and those you love it all changes so quickly so don't miss it be awake to it all and that brings me to this weekend of deciding to go to V and you know on a whim saying yes to going to a concert last minute with my friend in those moments when I was making those decisions that's what I came to to that type of quote like in my head I was thinking like as much as you're triggered and anxious and you're sad or you're like whatever it is like that can all be fine and you don't even have to erase all that right now you can be with yourself and you can just let that be but there's also so much Beauty right now and you can go and do it nobody is stopping you from focusing on the great nobody is stopping you from deciding to detached from this shitty circumstance that's pissing you off right now or make making you anxiously attached and go and do the thing that you really wanted to do anyways let that person be let that person go live let that person that's strting you or making you feel unsafe or let that thing that's making you feel unsafe right now let it be what it is okay learn how to be with that thing and be with yourself and be in the present moment and it's a art okay that is what I'm going to say it's an art but it is a beautiful thing to master and it's something that you need to master and you're going to do it every single day until you die okay so anyways that's it for today's episode I hope you guys enjoyed please let me know in the comment section on YouTube if you liked it and what you want to hear next don't forget to subscribe and if you're listening to the episode on Spotify or apple make sure that you're following and you can leave a preferably five star review if you liked it that really helps the podcast be pushed out to more people you can also follow the podcast Instagram the globe secret podcast you can also follow me on my regular Instagram if you want to see what I'm getting up to all the fun summer things that I'm going to be doing and that'll be it I hope you guys enjoyed and I'll see you in the next one bye