you started doing some of this work at like 21 years old and clearly the depth of your work is it's really extraordinary what caused you to start doing this in the first place I was an addict I was addicted to opioids after a knee surgery just before I turned 15 soccer was my coping mechanism from a really chaotic childhood and when that got taken away I just really went down a terrible rabbit hole and I did Inpatient Rehab outpatient rehab AA meetings NA meetings nothing really worked for me I was in a site class and somebody said to me your conscious mind can't out will or overpower your subconscious mind when you're trying to get clean you tell yourself every day I'm going to not do this again this is going to be the last time this is going to be the last day and then you go back and you repeat the same patterns over and over I became obsessed with learning about the subconscious mind and the mind in general because I knew when somebody said the conscious mind can't outw the subconscious mind I was like this explains this daily fight that I have with myself that led me to sobriety after a lot of other things hadn't worked and I realized oh my gosh I'm running for myself the whole time that's what this is I think the application of her work is is very very Broad and understanding human beings and how to affect them and how to connect with them or understanding why you're not connected with somebody I was somebody who went through life and had all these really mean thought patterns towards myself beat myself up for everything so of course I don't feel confident in my life during that time so reprogramming those core ideas I'm not good enough I'm unworthy I'm unlovable that goes an extremely long way in terms of our self-confidence when we have these deeply unmet needs we Outsource them somebody's anxiously attached and they need validation and reassurance but they don't know how to validate or reassure themselves well what do they do they make that exclusively their partner's major responsibility when that happens somebody's not always going to be there and so then we ride the roller coaster then when somebody does fill the bucket of reassurance we're like oh I feel good and then when they don't or they withdraw we then feel terrible and we're on this self steam roller coaster with all the ups and downs because we have no focal point of control when we can actually learn what our needs are start meeting them in ourselves we fill our own cup halfway every day and we go out into the world from a more rooted grounded centered space and in combination of that we also recondition these painful old fears that we have and negative beliefs about ourselves it's like we clear the Sledge out and from that space I feel like our light can really shine as individuals where we're grounded and present and available for what the world has before for us this was so good this was so extraordinary so hey guys listen we're all trying to get more productive and the question is how do you find a way to get an edge I'm a big believer that if you're getting mentoring or you're in an environment that causes growth a growth-based environment that you're much more likely to grow and you're going to grow faster and that's why I love growth day growth day is an app that my friend Brendan brashard is created that I'm a big fan of write this down growth day.com sled so if you want to be more productive by the way he's asked me I post videos in there every single Monday that gets your day off to the right start he's got about $5,000 $110,000 worth of courses that are in there that come with the app also some of the top influencers in the world are all posting content in there on a regular basis like having the Avengers of personal development and business in one app and I'm honored that he asked me to be a part of it as well and contribute on a weekly basis and I do so go over there and get signed up you're going to get a free tuition free voucher to go to an event with Brendan and myself and a bunch of other influencers as well so you get a free event out of it also so go to growth day.com Ed that's growth.com Ed welcome back to the show everybody I was just telling this lady that off camera that her works really made a a profound impact on me even in the last few days of my life her name is taes Gibson number one I got to tell you that today's conversation will be different than most anyone we've ever had on the show before she is the co-founder of the personal development school but the reason she's here today is she's got a book out called learning love and we're going to talk about attachment Styles the theory behind that and a bunch of other stuff that I think is going to be new groundbreaking information for so many of you so taes welcome to the show thank you so much Ed for having me I'm really grateful to be here with you yeah I'm grateful too and learning Love Is An Awesome book everybody let's let's step back just for a second and because there's tell us what attachment style is we'll get into the four types in a minute and then also where it comes from I was really struck about this one parent thing that you talk about so what is an attachment style in general and where does it come from and then we'll talk about what the ones are perfect so so our attachment style is basically the subconscious set of rules that we've learned about how to give and receive love and really what to expect in relationships and I often give people the analogy that if you have a different attachment style than somebody else it's like sitting down to play a board game and you have the rules for Monopoly and I have the rules for Scrabble like even if we want to have fun and play game we're just going to have unnecessary friction and confusion because we have different rules so our attachment style which first of all every single person has one is the set of rules that we've had for love so when we have different rules it creates a lot of problems and challenges but also three of the four styles are insecurely attached and that makes for some difficult strategies and and points of communication so there's a lot that we can really improve there and become securely attached and that will help create a lot of transformation isn't there the theory or your theory is that it comes from some sort of dynamic with one of your parents primarily am I right about that am I getting exactly correct so so basically you learn how to give and receive love through your parents as a whole like those are our first subconscious programs we develop in regards to what love looks like how our needs are met how our emotions should be treated how we should be spoken to in relationships all of that is modeled to us at a very young age and the three ways we really pick up programming um from very young age are what we see repetitively or what's modeled to us what we hear repeatedly and what our firsthand experiences are so those relationships we have with our caregivers as children really form that strong foundation for exactly how we expect love and relationships to go in our adult life see I I told you off camera I think the reason your work is so profound and this conversation today will be everybody is self-awareness is such a powerful tool to have in your life and by the way my favorite people people that I like to have around me I think have a heightened self-awareness they've done some work on that but the reason this works contextually what we're about to cover everybody is you're really going to begin to understand yourself so well and why you feel or don't feel loved when you're in a relationship and it could be an intimate relationship or a friendship and and then also how to give it to the right person at the same time so that they can feel it I've often said on the show not often I've said a couple times that I think I'm and this is a confession that was I don't know painful to admit but in my case I think I'm pretty good at giving love to other people you know I I think in my life I've been pretty good to my friends and family but I have struggled to allow myself to gift of feeling it yeah and um I want two more and I think the last few years that's improved to some extent but you nodded when I said that do you hear that often or do you relate to that I knew the moment you shareed about your childhood so so as I had mentioned to you off camera I had seen some of your videos before doing speaker training and I actually on I listened to was a beautiful story about having a parent who is an alcoholic and basically that's most likely to create a fearful avoidant attachment style and fearful avoidance are renowned this is actually what I was as well before doing the work fearful avoidance are renowned for being very loving very giving show up 10 out of 10 for people in times of Crisis emergency really good at rolling with a punch is very resilient but also actually have a hard time truly being vulnerable about the things that are deeply vulnerable to them specifically relying on people letting people in deeply um feeling like they can really trust that somebody will always be there for them and so it's like you overg give and under receive and that's very fearful avoid so as soon as you said that I was like that probably would be part of the course so that's why I nodded no and you're right I started to read your work like yep that one's me and by the way one thing she is we're going to go through it now too that I love is this isn't necessarily a static thing either and so just it's so great so let's let's take our time on this because I think just this right here if someone could understand themselves or others is an invaluable lesson that will actually could alter the direction of your life and the Bliss that you feel in your life The Joy the love that you feel so what are the four attachment Styles and take your time on each one and if you want to um describe the behaviors that go with them because that's what helped me the style and then the behaviors I think is uh I think everybody right now if you're driving you're going to want to probably go back and listen to this again because you're going to you're going to want to write this down okay perfect so the first of four is our securely attached style and this is the one that we ideally want to become because as you just mentioned our attachment style it's not like a personality disorder or a diagnosis it's basically just a set of programs that you have about love so this is something we can change now the securely attached style gets a lot of what we call approach oriented behaviors in childhood and approach oriented behaviors psychologically means that when a child cries or expresses emotion caregivers go towards that child and they are very attuned very present they are able to try to sooe the child I know that sounds like it might be a small thing but it actually has a massive impact because what a child learns growing up in this kind of environment is it's safe to express emotion it's safe to rely on other people my needs are worthy of being met and listened to and I can really trust other individuals to look out for me to take care of me so securely attached individuals grow up to essentially have really healthy modeling and skills for relationships and as a result statistically they report being in the longest lasting relationships but I'm sure we can both agree that that's not what we would call a thriving relationship per se securely attached individuals also report being happiest in their relationships they report actually feeling really happy and fulfilled by the Romantic partner okay so that's our securely attached style there are three insecurely attached Styles at one end of the Continuum in a sense there's the anxious attachment style now the anxious individual grows up with a lot of inconsistency in childhood but often loving and fairly present caregivers when they are with that parent okay so generally what you'll see is an anxious attachment style may have love and and very caring parents but perhaps they work a lot so it's like love is there love is taken away love is there love is taken away now neoplastically we get conditioned through repetition and emotion so this will fire and wire these deep rooted fears of okay love keeps getting taken away am I going to be abandoned does this happen with divorced parents too where you go to one loving parent to another loving parent or would that be different that would be an exact example so I'm just giving it one example but that could be one it could also be that we have a very loving parent but another parent who's much more inconsistent or a little bit withdrawn so the a position of Love there not really there in the same way all of those things would create the consistency of inconsistency which is that overarching theme that will create an anxious attachment style so anxious attachment Styles then grow up to have these big core wounds in relationships they fear being abandoned alone rejected disliked excluded and they basically cope with these fears by trying to maintain proximity so your anxious attacher is often the person who who will call repeatedly text many many times move very fast in relationships really derive a lot of their sense of self-esteem and self-confidence through their relationships rather than through a relationship with self and they often will get caught people pleasing a lot sometimes be boundar list in relationships and of course unfortunately a lot of these things become self-fulfilling prophecies so because they hold on so tightly they often accidentally push people away and exactly what they're afraid of usually comes to fruition I can hear uh millions of people nodding their heads right now thinking about themselves starting to explain yourself to you didn't if you were in that category everybody okay please keep going I I just think this is just so good thank you and and at the other end of the Continuum is the dismissible boyant attachment style so they're very much the opposite of the anxious in many different ways the dismissive avoidance overarching theme from childhood is childhood emotional neglect now I think when a lot of us think of neglect we think of like the child's left in the corner there's no food on the table often times I would say 95% plus of the time it's very covert neglect it's things like having you know parents in the household there's structure there's stability food's on the table kids are at school on time but if you express an emotion go in the other room come back when you're done crying or don't be a crybaby or that's embarrassing don't cry in front of other people hold it together and the constant messaging which creates that programming that repetition and emotion that fires and wires those narrow Pathways that constant programming or messaging the child receives is your emotions they're dysfunctional they're defective we don't really want them here because a child is wired for Attunement all of us biologically are wired for Attunement and closeness a child doesn't know how to make sense of that experience and they don't go oh my parents emotionally unavailable because they can't con of that yet so they go there must be something wrong with me this part of me must be defective and shameful and wrong at the core because it just constantly gets rejected so they cope or adapt to that kind of experience by going okay I am literally going to just keep myself very distant from people emotionally never open up never allow myself to get seen or feel too much or feel anything too real now as adults the dismissible avoidant ends up often being in a Rel relationship things are good early on and as things as as soon as things feel too serious they often drop out leave very abruptly sometimes you know Blindside somebody and their big core fears in relationships are I'm defective something's wrong with me at my core so they're very sensitive to criticism even though they're very stoic and most people would never know and they also feel afraid of being unsafe emotionally if they're too open afraid of being weak disrespected um not capable if they're they're vulnerable they have a lot of these de wounds and so they often are individuals who struggle a lot with commitment with settling into relationships and with wanting to really let people in and allow themselves to be seen much at all so hey guys I want to jump in here for a second and talk about change and growth and you know by the way it's no secret how people get ahead in Life or how they grow and also taking a look at the future if you want to change your future you got to change the things you're doing if you continue to do the same things you're probably going to produce the same results but if you get into a new environment where you're learning new things and you're around other people that are growth oriented you're much more likely to do that yourself and that's why I love growth Day write this down for a second growth day.com sled my friend Brenda brushard has created the most incredible personal development and business app that I've ever seen in my life everything from goal setting software to personal accountability journaling courses thousands of dollars worth of courses in there as well I create content in there on Mondays where I contribute as do a whole bunch of other influencers like the Avengers of influencers and business Minds in there it's the Netflix for high achievers or people that want to be high Achievers so go check it out my friend Brennan's made it very affordable very easy to get involved go to growth.com sled that's growth day.com Ed so good I'm just thinking of somebody that I know very well right now so what great about the way you describe the attachment Styles is that everybody right now is either so far thought of themselves or a very close friend they know that fit one of these attachment Styles I just want to say one thing too before we get to the the last one or the next one I uh I know that the nature of your work everybody listening to this is sort of romantic relationships but I have to tell you all when I read this I actually have thought about friendships that I've had I actually think about business and leading people and understanding the way in which they respond or won't respond um I think the application of her work is is very very Broad and understanding human beings and how to affect them and how to connect with them or understanding why you're not connecting with somebody so but anyway continue please and to your point I couldn't agree more this is because our relationships it's a primarily first a relationship to ourselves so that goes with us everywhere but you'll see these patterns popping up absolutely in the workplace with friendships family everything so so the last attachment style this is what I was and and I'm sure this is probably what you are from the sound of it or were but basically the last attachment style is called fearful avoidant and sometimes it's referred to as disorganized attachment style and basically um often the example I actually give for what will form a disorganized attachment style would be an example of somebody having a parent who's who's an addict or an alcoholic it can also be things like having a really bad divorce and being parentified that was a lot of my experience parents went through this sort of 15year divorce I was always in the middle of it at a young age lots of chaos lots of really big fights happening my my whole childhood but basically what this is creating in terms of programming is I never know what I'm going to get some sometimes I have these positive experiences with love where sometimes love is safe and it's okay and I yearn for it and and so I I care about love and I want to connect but other times love is scary unpredictable has moments of Cruelty perhaps and so what happens with a fearful ofoen in their childhood is they learn to have these basically extreme competing associations about love that are on opposite ends of the spectrum I want love and it can be really scary love can be beautiful sometimes terrifying others and so what happens for a fearful avoidant attachment style is growing up in an environment that's really unstable unpredictable chaotic they basically learn I have this anxious side and they share in the feelings of the an anxious attachment style they can fear abandonment they can fear being rejected or not good enough but they also share in the avoidance side they fear being too close being trapped helpless powerless in the wrong situation and so fearful avoidance basically are very hot and cold in relationships they're kind of pinballing back and forth and for me as an example I grew up feeling like I wanted to be close to people I would be very loving and generous and giving and then when people would get too close I would be like get back yeah and often times the fearful avoid flip-flops back and forth and a lot of this is because of those deep inner wired programs from childhood of okay love is good but love is also scary and it can create a lot of that sort of internal Push Pull and confusion which of course often shows up in external relationships as a result it's so great I have you know everybody we're talking a lot about childhood here and the more and more I've been doing the work I do the last 25 or 30 years the more I realize like the vast majority of the work we're all doing is connected to our childhood like just the vast majority of our work is those I don't know those years were you know are from infancy to 10 12 15 years old and Beyond even to teenage years and I think the more you dive into that work the more you are going to be an effective parent an effective human an effective friend effective business person you say in the book um 95% of your thoughts and behaviors originate in your subconscious mind and so basically our lives are sort of on this Auto kind of pilot program and then you also talk about the subconscious reality lens I'm just curious as to what that term I think I know but I not everyone's read the book so what does that mean and why does it matter that we have an appreciation understanding of that yeah that's a great question question so we all see reality through a filter of our past right so I often give the example that somebody could have the exact same external experience we could take for example an anxious attachment style and a dismissive who's the more avoidant one and they could both be dating let's say somebody who doesn't call them back well the anxious attachment style because we see through the filter of our past programming it's really the lens that we see and interact with the world through they're probably going to make it mean I'm about to be abandoned because that's their path experience those are the conclusions the mind will jump to whereas a dismissive avoid an attachment style they're probably going to make it mean I'm free I don't have to talk on the phone because they often fear too much vulnerability too much closeness so you know we never really have these objective points of view we're all living through this subjective worldview that's first being conditioned by and wired in by our pre-existing programs from childhood now one thing that's really important to recognize is that our mind is also ired from a emotionally because we think that by holding on we then have a better chance to protect ourselves from them which is why we hold on to our negative experiences from childhood and then to keep ourselves safe although it doesn't happen emotionally we constantly reproject them back out onto our external World we'll jump to those conclusions we'll assume those same patterns will happen with other people in relationships and that's often the actual place that we end up sabotaging relationships from if we have un resolved childhood attachment challenges from a younger age I think you also um repeat those patterns to stay consistent with yourself in other words if I don't consistently do this I'm somehow not being the me that I'm familiar with and that's a scary change in and of itself do you agree with that there's a lot of research to back this I actually talk about this all the time I couldn't agree more our subconscious mind works very hard to maintain its comfort zone because to your to your point it says well what's familiar is safe and thus I'm more likely to survive and something that's so interesting is you'll see when people meet each other so our conscious mind takes up to about 40 to 60 bits per second of data and our subconscious and unconscious collectively take up to a billion bits per second of data so we may meet somebody and be like you know we're picking up all this web of information about their micro Expressions their body language their tone of voice how long they M maintain eye contact for and people are often choosing people who will mirror back to them their childhood as well because that's what's most familiar so if you look at an anxious attachment style they're so externally focused they're so people pleasing everybody else they're dismissing and avoiding themselves so guess who we often choose people who mirror back to us the relationship to self first because that's what's most familiar and thus most safe and so anxious attachment cells will often choose emotionally unavailable people hence that cycle will continue for their likelihood of being abandoned outstanding I'm thinking of one of the other applications want to ask you about so I obviously you're in a a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody one of the things I was thinking about this reading this yesterday one of the main questions I get and I bet you get too is people that are in relationships together um trying to they'll say how do I get my spouse my boyfriend or my girlfriend to support my dream or this change I want to make and I started reading these different attachment Styles and I'm like well if you could really have an understanding of the attachment style of your partner that would certainly help you understand how to help them support your dream help them support this business you want to start do you agree with that like if you've got an abandonment issue and somebody says I'm going to start a business or start to pursue a dream I have to think part of their thinking is if you if you're successful you're going to leave me if we just stay the way that we are you'll never leave me and so one of their their real fears is well if you start to win and change and grow you're you're going to leave me and so if I knew that I would think if I was in a relationship with that person I would want to be overly reassuring that I'm going to stay that I'm GNA be here that we're going to build this dream together that I'm doing this for us do you do you see what I'm saying do you agree with that 100% so a big part of what we focus on actually in this work and and people will hear it in the book too is is again to your point it's that each attachment cell not only has these core fears but they also have these core needs and if you imagine you know if you've ever heard of the the work of Dr Dr Gary Chapman Dr Gary Chapman talks about the five love languages and he says okay they are um words of affirmation physical touch quality time acts of service and gifts now I would make a very strong argument that our needs are much more impactful than Love Languages because for me I for example have a huge um Quality Time need or love language but if I sit down and I watch Netflix with somebody for an hour that's going to be way different than having like a deep conversation with somebody because that me the need for emotional connection for authenticity and so you know our needs in my opinion have a much greater impact on the ways that we give and receive love in relationships and what happens is each unique attachment style has different needs so you know an anxious attachment cells they need exactly like you said they need more reassurance they need more validation encouragement certainty consistency dismissible voidance they need more freedom autonomy Independence but they also actually really need empathy support and acceptance as well as appreciation about small things and fearful avoidance tend to need a lot of depth they need novelty exploration they need growth um they also want you know this this intimate connection and closeness but they also want their freedom and Independence because they sort of share in both sides of that attachment Continuum so I always tell people like if if we had like a prescription for relationships it would be know each other's needs and relationships and then when we go through these big life changes or transformation like you're building something you're creating something rather than somebody having to be like oh no I want to stay familiar and safe and accidentally sabotaging the relationship as a result or having these protest behaviors or ways of acting out it's like well if you know your partner's needs when we go through big change just pour into each other's needs during those times and it will strengthen the relationship and also ensure that you're growing together rather than growing apart so good I was thinking I'm thinking about a lot of different things but one of them is you know when you're understanding these attachments Styles your own and that of your partner helps you understand where resistance can be coming from often times what's what's the resistance that I'm getting from them why don't they want me to start this business why are why is that they don't want me to go do this and now you might have a deeper understanding of of the reasoning behind you know not only their behaviors but if you understand their behaviors and their needs you understand where this resistance coming from I wrote a term down just because I didn't understand if it was different than what I was reading so I this is just for my edification what is integrated attachment Theory hey guys your metabolism is so critical because your metabolism is at the center of everything going on in your body optimal metabolic health is critical because it's involved in everything you do it improves your energy levels it has weight loss and management benefits better Fitness results better sleep so metabolism matters so much that's why I love Lumen it's a device that can help measure your metabolism through your breath and on the app it'll let you know it'll detect whether you're burning for fat or carbs in that moment gives you tailored guidance to improve improve your nutrition your workouts your sleep and even Stress Management it's really a brilliant idea and now I don't know what I 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experienced before you your body believes it's fasting and conducts itself as if it were fasting Right Now prolon is offering the edet show listeners 15% off their 5-day nutrition program so go to prolong life.com myet so that's prolong p r n life.com slm myet for this special offer that's prolong life.com slm these statements and products have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration these products are not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any diseases or condition so integrated attachment theory is the science of how we can actually change to become securely attach we're not stuck with our attachment style so it's actually the study of these these five major places that we can do the work at a subconscious level so that we can become secure and have like the the strengths that came out of having an insecure attachment cell because there are strengths we become resilient resourceful more empathetic more compassionate in a lot of ways but also have wired in those healthy patterns of secure attachment can you elaborate on what some of those places are yes so the first one is we have to reprogram core fears so we all have these core fears like we T talk we've talked about the abandonment or the fear of being trapped or defective or criticized and so we can actually that we're not born with those fears we can recondition them through leveraging the signs of neuroplasticity so repetition and emotion fires and wires new ideas and it's not through something like affirmations I I'll sort of go down a rabbit hole here just for but a lot of people will try to do affirmations so let's say somebody for example has a core fear I'm not good enough you're not going to really help yourself by saying I'm good enough I'm good enough I'm good enough I think it's a little bit futile and the reason is because your conscious mind speaks language if I say to you Ed whatever you do do not think of a chocolate chip cookie right how did that go so so what happens is your conscious mind Hees do not but your subconscious actually speaks in emotion and in images so nobody's waking up intentionally having these core fears nobody's saying oh I'm going to tell myself I'm not good enough 47 times today and hope that I feel good what's actually happening is these are subconscious pre-existing programs so we have to speak to the subconscious mind to solve for them so what I give people as an original tool to recondition these core fears that really are the big sabots of our relationships I'll be abandoned I'm not good enough I'll be alone forever these huge things that wreak havoc on our life and relationships is we start by number one identifying the core fear and its opposite very simple I'm not good enough I am good enough number two we need 10 pieces of memory of times we did feel good enough and the reason we have memory and the reason we picked 10 is because we need repetition for firing and wiring and memory is just container for emotions and images if somebody recounts their favorite childhood memory maybe it's them playing on the playground what do you see the images of the slide as you tell the story you smile your body language shifts and changes so now we're using our conscious mind to speak to our subconscious mind step three we record it for 20 and listen back to it for 21 days because it takes about 21 days to Fire and wire these new strong neurop Pathways and as long as we have like 10 pieces of proof for how we feel good enough or why we're worthy of connection instead of Abandonment or we're lovable instead of unlovable or whatever the core wound is that we're targeting 10 pieces of evidence listen back for 21 days we will actually rewire these ideas that we've carried about ourselves in relationships for very long periods of time so that's the first one so is reprogramming these core fears and I'm sure anybody listening if they're like oh 21 days it feels like a lot I would really encourage anybody listening to think of how many times that core fear has actually sabotaged your relationships and it will always be more work not to do the work it's it's a lot to have to live like that yeah you built those neurop Pathways probably doing it for 21 years you can spend 21 days trying to un it exactly exactly and it only takes like five minutes as a morning routine or something it's very simple so so the second one is we need to learn our own needs and so you know I mentioned those earlier you know for some people they need the reassurance the validation the certainty for other people they need the autonomy the acknowledgement the independence so when we can go back and and actually see what our our needs are according to our attachment style we actually first have to learn to meet them ourselves there's there's a great quote from Dr gabber mate and he says trauma are the things that happen that shouldn't have happened okay so let's say verbal abuse for example which would maybe cause somebody to feel I'm not good enough and we have those core fears but it's also the things that didn't happen that should have happened so this could be if somebody gets neglected growing up we wired for Attunement so we will have these deeply unmet needs that come from trauma whether it's small tea trauma or big tea trauma and because of the subconscious comfort zone because we want to keep that subconscious comfort zone alive in the relationship to self we keep those needs unmet in our own lives first wow that's good yeah so you'll see like dismiss of avoidance they're neglected and what do they do they grow up and they neglect their own emotions and so you know we see this time and time again for each person so our step two is after we reprogram core fears number two we learn to meet our own needs in doing this if we can show up and meet a need that's deeply unmet every day for 21 days we actually will change that within ourselves and then what will happen is we will be attracted to the right people who will mirror that back to us because our point of familiarity our own subconscious comfort zone has now shifted so we don't keep attracting that those old patterns those old people who will keep you know that self-fulfilling prophecy alive so that's really step two identify your deeply unmet needs meet them in relationship to self for 21 days step three very simple a little nervous system regulation because every insecure attachment Style is often sitting too much in fight or flight or parasympathetic nervous system mode so a little breath work in the evening or a little meditation on a daily basis just something for 20 minutes a day to help recondition our body so it follows our subconscious mind into feeling like it is safe to be in our body it is safe to be more present with ourselves and again it tends to come full circle in giving to ourselves those deeply unmet needs now those first three steps I like to think of as being in relationship to self okay I'm doing the work on me first I'm removing my core fears I'm meeting my own needs I'm regulating my nervous system the second ones are out into relationship with others because healthy interdependency means I'm a master of the relationship to myself and I am a master at being able to relate to rely on and be vulnerable with others it's not one or the other okay and so our second two steps are communicating our needs to others and allowing ourselves to receive them and having healthy boundaries so we can show and share our true selves with other people I often say to people when it comes to boundaries you know when people don't set boundaries they're like No Boundaries are off they're they're going to they're like a separation instead of a joining but a boundary is you sharing the nose in your life you know if you're not connecting fully or truthfully by Just sh sharing all the things you do like or that are great you also have to say hey I don't like when this happens hey I don't like these things because that's you sharing without your mask and so if we can do these five major things and really connect in a real honest way with ourselves first and then with others that's how we move the needle from insecure to securely attached in a fairly short period of time and it will transform the relationship we have to ourselves and the relationships in all aspects of our lives this is so good um a basic question you cover it in the book by the way thank you for this it's just thank you I love real work that really makes a difference and really changes people how do um our emotions affect our actions I know that's a general question but it's actually part of the book as well and I don't think most people step back and look at that that not only the state you're in but the emotional state you're in and how it's impacting the AC I know that's a broad question compared to the very specific place we just went but I think when we get really granular like we just did it's time to kind of go to concept for a second as well to understand why that matters so how do emotions affect Behavior amazing question so a neuroscientist named Antonio deasio I believe it was in 2008 actually discovered conclusively that every single action we take or decision we make is based on our emotional state so some people are very quick to rationalize or Justify through logic they're like I'm a logical thinker I only make logical decisions but the reality is at the Tipping Point you're making an emotionally based decision and then you're just quick to then rationalize it through logic and so if we are not in control of how we feel then we are not in control of decisions that we're making and I would make a really strong argument that we that when we go back to this topic of core fears I often give people This Acronym of btea which is our belief patterns we'll create patterns of thought which then will create emotions and then actions will follow so so if I for example let's pretend have this core wound I'm not good enough well that may I might start thinking thoughts like I'm not interesting enough I'm not smart enough I'm not pretty enough whatever it is fill in the blanks enough and then what will happen is how will I feel or emote according to that will all feel insecure or afraid or sad and then we all go into our actions or coping mechanisms right we're not even in charge when somebody's feeling that way what do they do do they go to their fridge and eat a whole bunch of junk food do they withdraw from the world and go into their shell do they become really big and tell everybody how amazing they are to try to overcompensate but it feels arrogant so really if we're not being able to reprogram and identify these Cor beliefs or these old fears or wounds then we're going to have Havoc raked on our thought patterns throughout the day our emotional state we're not in charge of and then our actions were not even charge of either and when we go and change and recondition these old stories or belief patterns everything else will follow how we think how we feel about ourselves and even our actions and behaviors will become healthier so good this show is sponsored by betterhelp and I'm grateful that it is I got to tell you you know I get asked all the time what's the one thing that most most of the guests that have been on this show have in common I can tell you they're all from different backgrounds some of them are tall some of them are short some of them are from the us some of them are from abroad different ethnic backgrounds religious backgrounds you name it but I got to tell you most of them been to therapy and I'm a big believer in therapy I think that whether you've got some real trauma you got to work through in your life or you know you just got a problem you want to work on right now maybe just want to talk out loud about some issues you got or find a better quality of emotions big believer in therapy and I love better help I love better help because number one it's done online number two if you get a th therapist you don't Vibe with them you can switch at any given time that you want to it's a wonderful way to go to therapy and I really believe it can help you if you have things that you want help with so decide today you're going to give betterhelp a shot and stop comparing and start focusing with betterhelp visit betterhelp.com edow today to get 10% off your first month that's betterhelp hp.com edow you're um I think of energy when you say that and you talk about I never heard this before Black Cat versus golden retriever energy right what what is I know what that is now but just share what that means for everybody because I think also how we feel is our ability to sense and give energy and the energy that we put out as well yeah so this was like a trending I actually spoke about this because it was trending all over Tik Tok and the internet and and my take on it honestly was neither right you know people were saying don't be the golden retriever the golden retriever is sort of the one that's like oh always open always trying always giving making the effort sort of the anxious attacher right the people pleaser and the black p is like the avoidance stay away kind of mysterious withdrawn and and the whole internet's going don't be the golden retriever be the Black Cat and I was saying well this is just reinforcing telling people they should be a dismissible void and attachment style you know what we actually want to do is be interdependent which means I can show up for myself in relationship to myself and I can be there for other people too and when we Master both sides of it that's secure attachment and secure connection and that's when we have thriving relationships there's also a lot of information out there in the world too which I respect where it's coming from but it's like you know people women should only ever have their full feminine energy men should only be fully in their masculine energy poolarity in dating is really meaningful okay there's three things that drive attraction at the subconscious level these are like actually how we become attracted to people besides like physical features and biology right so we have number one somebody who meets meets your deeply unmet needs from childhood let's say that somebody felt very unseen as a child and then somebody is like you know really present with them that's going to cause us to feel like wow I really want to be connected to this person the second is somebody who expresses your repressed trait okay if somebody's really assertive and I'm not assertive that might be really attractive for example right so so that's a big part of of what creates attraction the third is subconscious comfort zone and relationship to self that's what you'll invest in the most so we have this idea that like okay polarity is ATT traction but have you ever noticed this before let's say and this happened to me I'll share a personal example so my husband super assertive very and and I was kind of like overgiving and and not as assertive when I first met him and I thought it was so attractive in the dating stage of relationships we have multiple stages of relationships dating honeymoon power struggle stability commitment Bliss what we're attracted to in terms of polarity in the dating stage when we get to the power struggle stage will be the exact thing that often ruins or disrupts the relationship so dating stage is like oh he's so assertive that's so attractive power struggle stage it's like he never makes compromises this is so frustrating and so what we're supposed to be doing and and you'll see this all the time somebody's like oh they're so easy going that's so attractive the power struggle stage comes along and they're like they never make plans this is so frustrating so so what we're supposed to be doing is actually integrating those traits and being whole it's not supposed to be that that person's one way and I'm the exact opposite that's attractive at the beginning but as progress for a relationship to work we're actually supposed to take on sides of one another to become home and so this idea that like masculine energy only and feminine energy only no men need to also have that emotional side be able to express have that sort of connection in relationship to their own emotions and women also need to have that ability to be assertive sometimes and set boundaries and have some of those masculine energy traits in the wholeness relationships last can you go through those six stages again just quickly because you went through that really really quickly the six stages again no I think everybody heard it and they're like can ask her that again so I got excited for a moment to share that awesome so there's the dating stage um which is sort of the vetting stage of relationships it's the first zero to four months it's like you know we're getting to know if we're fit for each other asking the right questions um if we make a commitment to each other after that first few months we move into the honeymoon stage where there's some sort of there's the right of passage into commitment and then in the honeymoon stage we have the elevated neurochemistry of oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine and attraction neurochemicals that lasts for about a year to two years after the dating stage ends then as we start to get comfortable and we adapt to each other the mask comes off and it's the right of passage going into the power struggle stage unfortunately people often don't know that this exists so the mass comes off and we start sharing our fears our flaws our frustrations more easily with our partner and often this is where relationships break down this is statistically where most relationships end the right of passage of the power struggle stage is to be more vulnerable and to share our fears and flaws with people and to accept and work through them together and when we do this we have the capacity to move the needle from more conditionally based love to more unconditionally based love because we're showing ourselves finally without condition dating in honeymoon we usually are like on our best behavior a little bit still power struggle it's like this is the real me these are the the innermost things that are going on when we learn to navigate those with each other and take each other's fears or or challenges into consideration we move out of the power struggle into the stability stage eventually the the commitment stage and the bless stage which is like the honeymoon stage but we know each other much more deeply and in that power struggle stage you know for example I know in in the power struggle stage just as an analogy with my husband you know he shared a lot about how he was sensitive to criticism he was more dismissible avoidant when when we first started dating and I was able to just be mindful and considerate of that right it's not like oh I have to be perfect all the time but I would phrase things differently instead of saying hey you didn't do this I'd be like oh hey do you mind doing this and these little tiny things we can consider each other more support each other in that and those are the ways that we deepen that connection but unfortunately most people constantly go through dating honeymoon power struggle breakup dating honeymoon power struggle breakup and so they think that relationships are either in this intoxicating love space or in this space of like oh everything's fighting and it's terrible and we'll break up and it just wasn't meant to be but relationships in their life cycle are far beyond that and when we deepen that connection and know each other more we can really move the needle ahead what's a perceptual shift a perceptual shift is when we are able to really look outside of our own perspective to really Challenge and question things that we've been believing or attaching to his concepts for a long time okay I used to personally for example think that everybody's going to betray you eventually so relationships just you know what's the point of investing in them but what I try to get people to do is be like like can I really know that that's true like can I 100% know that and to question these longstanding ideas and to to poke at them right so so I learned well actually people may make mistakes but real trust isn't earned through people being perfect real trust is earned through me when there's a mistake made advocating for myself letting somebody know that they hurt me and what I need for reparation and that's strengthening the connection as a result so our perceptual shift is really when we go from attaching to one original idea to being able to poke at it try and do something differently and really see a lot of that progress as a result I'm just listening to you I got two more questions by the way I I'm enjoying this thoroughly and I and I and when I say that I have two more questions please like take your time on both these because I'm interested I want to step out of your work for a minute and talk about you so I learned a little bit about you as we were getting ready that you started doing some of this work at like 21 years old and you're still a very young woman and clearly you know the the depth of your work is it's really extraordinary what what caused you to do this I because the reason I asked it is that I think Anytime You observe somebody who's great at something and you want to be great in your life I think success leaves Clues like how is it that she became so great at this so young what caused you to start doing this in the first place yeah thank you um I was an addict um I was addicted to opioids after a nie surgery at just before I turned 15 um I was a soccer player played D1 in University but really just hung on by a thread there but that soccer was my coping mechanism from a really chaotic childhood and when that got taken away I just really went down a terrible Rabbit Hole um and I did Inpatient Rehab outpatient rehab AA meetings NA meetings nothing really worked for me and I was like hanging on by a thread I was still somewhat in school I would go to rehab during the Summers and and um I was in a site class and somebody said to me your conscious mind can't out willll or overpower your subconscious mind and as somebody if anybody's had this experience like when you're trying to get clean you tell yourself every day I'm going to not do this again this is going to be the last time this is going to be the last day and then you go back and you repeat the same patterns over and over and it's it's horrible it's it's that to me was like one of the hardest things that I ever went through and it wasn't even like the thing the traumas that caused the the addiction to begin with and so um for me I became obsessed with learning about the subconscious mind and the mind in general because I knew when somebody said the conscious mind can't outw the subconscious mind I was like this explains this daily fight that I have with myself so I got really into when I turned about 20 um I got really into I think it might have been right before I turned 20 obsessing over the subconscious mind that led me to sobriety after a lot of other things hadn't worked um and I did a lot of work work on my core wounds my my big core fears that were causing me to have really negative and often really cruel thoughts towards myself and to feel badly and then I would numb right with opioids that was like and I realized oh my gosh I'm running for myself the whole time that's what this is so I did a ton of reconditioning of my subconscious wounds learned my needs learned to emotionally regulate um and just did a whole bunch of work deeply in myself and then this is what like 13 years ago and nobody was talking about this stuff then right at least in my experience it was very rare so I started giving workshops for free and started you know sharing and opening up and just telling people like look you can change your subconscious mind and then eventually Revisited relationships and attachment Theory um and learned okay these things are very much interconnected in a very real way I'm fascinated you know on my show not everybody I can't say that this is everybody but a lot of people struggle with finding their purpose and I've been talking about this a lot like on my stage speaking as well and uh it's not everyone but the vast majority of people that I've had on my show or that I know personally in my private life that have extraordinary work they do comes from some form of pain their purpose came through something painful and I think that's just the reason I asked you this was I didn't know why and I think if you're listening to this or watching it today and you're say I'm not even found my purpose yet you might want to take a peek at painful parts of your life you might want to take a peak there because somewhere in there there was a lesson a gift a relationship an emotion or maybe a purpose that has come through that you know I say all the time that and it wasn't my saying but oftentimes you're most qualified in life to help the person you used to be and you're you you were a bit broken and you appear to me to be so extraordinary at helping people that are a little bit feel broken at least or broken relationships and so just um really fascinated by that so everybody just hearing her story I hope you all you know relate to that if you don't have your purpose yet look somewhere maybe where there's been pain in your life okay having said all that last question it kind of steps a little bit out of the work but you do talk about it in your work and that is that I think most people in our culture today are struggling with their self-esteem overall just their self-worth and they bring that into these relationships in addition to their attachment Styles and it affects every area of their life lack of self-esteem or and even the reverse an increase in self-esteem changes your external life changes your emot so often and your work is so good so I thought I don't want to finish there by not asking you do you have a hack a strategy I know you have multiple ones but that you would share with us today to help somebody who says I need to feel better about myself I need to have more esteem absolutely I I think it really boils down to these first two things is always where I would start I don't think that true self-esteem is like arrogance I think it's the absence of all these core wounds the absence of all of this negative internal dialogue that beats ourselves up I don't think I think when we have the absence of those things we are naturally more present we're naturally able to feel confident and believe in ourselves for what we're going to do and so I find that there's really two things that have a massive impact on our self-esteem as a whole number one and this was Big Time my experience is reprogramming those those core fears using that tool we talked about that that auto suggestion to speak to your subconscious because I was somebody who went through life and had all these really mean thought patterns towards myself beat myself up for everything so of course I don't feel confident in my life during that time and so reprogramming those core ideas I'm not good enough I'm unworthy I'm unlovable I'll be disliked rejected all these things that goes an extremely long way in terms of our self-confidence and the second one is when we learn to meet our unmet needs because when we have these deeply unmet needs and the subconscious mind is in a state of learn helplessness because we don't realize what they are consciously or how to meet them what we do from learn helplessness is we Outsource them so let's say for example that you know somebody's anxiously attached and they need validation and reassurance but they don't know how to validate or reassure themselves well what do they do they make that exclusively their partner's major responsibility and when that happens somebody's not always going to be there and so then we ride the roller coaster then when somebody does fill the the bucket of reassurance we're like oh I feel good and then when they don't or they withdraw we then feel terrible and we're on this self-esteem roller coaster with all the ups and downs because we have no focal point of control and so when we actually learn what our needs are start meeting them in ourselves we fill our own cup halfway every day and we go out into the world from a more rooted grounded centered centered space and if in combination of that we also recondition these painful old fears that we have and negative beliefs about ourselves it's like we clear the Sledge out and from that space I feel like our light can really shine as individuals where we're grounded and present and available for what the world has before us this was so good was so extraordinary this is Ty Gibson everybody number one her book is learning love and I am really grateful that we did this today I am really grateful I I just think your work's awesome I think it's Unique and I think it's needed so very very grateful for today thank you so much thank you so much for having me I'm so grateful to be here with you you're an absolute Legend So I'm I'm so grateful that we got to have this conversation we're gonna we're g to do your stage speaking we're going to work on that together so I'm excited excited all right everybody heyy share today's episode this is one that I know is going to reverberate through the internet today all right God bless you everybody max out [Music] he