What's going on YouTube? Welcome back to the channel. I'm Coach Black, your internet, relationship, and breakup coach. Today's topic, reject your ex properly and they will obsess about you constantly. I know what you're thinking.
Coach, the last thing I want to do is reject my ex. I just want to fix things. I just want to be with them. I want to return to the way things were in the past. I love them.
Now, I understand that feeling, but before you get to that place with your ex, you have to re-establish your value, okay? Attraction must always come before love. And the fact that your ex left in the first place tells us that their attraction was extremely low.
A part of them felt like the grass was greener. They could find a better opportunity outside of the relationship. So it's very important that you do not return back to love. You must first engage their emotions, make them desire and want you first before you ever return to a place of that intimate, safe and constant stream of flowing love.
Now, let's explain to you how we get here. I want to start with a scientific principle called Zahavian signaling theory. And what this theory says is that in order for a signal to be honest and true, it has to be costly.
Okay, now what does this have to do with your ex in the first place? Let's start with in nature, right? When we look at the signaling theory in nature, if you look at the male peacock, and you see the tails with all the bright colors and the feathers, just how magnificent it looks. If you think about it from a mating perspective, obviously it's there to attract the female peacock.
The more extravagant, the more colors in the patterns, the larger it is, the more seductive it is to the female. So obviously this gives the male more opportunities to have baby peacocks. But one of the side effects of that large flamboyant tail is that it attracts predators because the more colors, right, it's going to be noticed by predators. So it makes the peacock vulnerable. And also, since it's so large and heavy, it makes it difficult for the peacock to fly.
So it's a very costly signal. But what that cost shows is that The mere fact that the peacock is here in the first place means that the peacock must be very fast, maybe very, very agile or quick or strong enough to still fly even with this heavy tail, which makes it even more valuable as a mate. It's an honest signal. It makes the peacock vulnerable, but the peacock still has it, which means, again, it must have are the qualities that enable its survival. Because survival always comes first with living creatures.
And so put that in the context of your relationship with your ex. And the fact that they left and dumped you means that they have evaluated you as lesser than them and that they can do better or find better. Now, no contact is a very strong and powerful signal as well.
What you're communicating... with your ex in a subtle way is that I will not beg for scraps. I am attractive enough to find someone else that will appreciate and value me.
And I am a catch. I am amazing. I am awesome. So no contact is a very powerful signal.
But remember, your ex has already established a pattern with you in the past. This is how the human mind works. To conserve energy, we make assumptions.
We learn and figure out patterns. So we're not constantly thinking about every single task that we do. Think about the last time that you thought about, oh, how does a fork work?
Or how do scissors work? You experience these things so many times that you put it in your filing cabinet of your mind and you know how these things work and then you never have to think about it again. Well, it's the same thing that we do with people and it's what your ex did with you to evaluate and determine that they can find better, at least in their mind. So no contact starts to change that perspective. You're no longer unattractive because an unattractive person will chase.
It's only someone who has options. It's only someone of high quality will not chase, that is not desperate, because you know that there will be more opportunities in the future. So here's what your ex does.
They want to confirm that their estimations and their judgments about you was true. This is called confirmation bias. So they start with the little breadcrumbs. They like your post or maybe they told someone that told someone that they were talking about you. All of this is to assess if you're still desperate enough to fall for the bait.
And if you do, they say, I knew it. She's desperate. He's desperate. He really wants this relationship badly.
That's why he's willing to accept anything. But when you ignore the breadcrumbs, this is your first honest signal, your Zahavian signal that you're showing breadcrumbs aren't good enough to move me. Right.
And keep in mind, it's costing you something, at least in your ex's mind, because At the end of the relationship, you really wanted to fix things. You wanted to be with them. So the mere fact that you can ignore them to any capacity is an honest signal that you know your worth.
It's your honest signal that you are attractive and that you have options in the dating world. It's extremely powerful. And what your ex is likely to do from here is that they will escalate. Maybe you'll get that first text or the first call, but now it comes at 2 a.m. in the morning, 3 a.m.
in the morning, and so you ignore that as well. You'll get back to them the next day, but you're showing a lot of restraint. You're showing a lack of desperation, and this makes you way more attractive, okay?
There's a saying that goes, rejection breeds obsession. And the more you reject your ex in subtle ways, I'm not saying you ignore them completely, but the more unwilling you are to give them all of your time and attention, this will feel like a rejection because the old you would chase them. The old you had them on a pedestal and this starts to mess with their psyche and it makes them want to chase you more.
It makes them want to fix the relationship more. These are the mistakes that people make so often. Anytime I'm having coaching clients or I get DMs from people. The issue is that as soon as the ex does anything, you give the relationship back to your ex instantly. You're already buying gifts.
You're already sleeping with them. You're still trying to prove yourself to your ex when it's the last thing you should be doing. What you should be showing your ex is that I'm not afraid of losing.
That's the ultimate thing you want to convey. with your energy, not just with your words, with your actions and with your energy. This is why people say be indifferent. It's so powerful. You're conveying and you truthfully do have to, on some level internally, overcome the fear of losing them because that's what's going to put you in the strongest position.
And all of a sudden the roles reverse and now your ex is afraid of losing you because you're rejecting them. in the right way. It doesn't mean you're not talking to them. Maybe now you go on that first date and they're saying, oh, I don't know if we should fix things.
I don't know if we should get back together. And you say, hey, hey, hey, a relationship between us right now is not on the table. I have to see so many things and so much changes, not only for myself, but from you to know if this is something worth pursuing.
Think about it critically. Who would do this? Someone who has options. Someone who believes that your ex is not the best thing since sliced bread. Someone who knows they can get someone just as great or even someone better.
That's how you need to start to act with your ex. If you can do this properly, reject them in the right way, they will start to pursue you more and you'll have a lot more power and leverage. And you can evaluate if this is something you actually want to pursue from the driver's seat, right? Because you'll have a lot more power and flexibility. Anyway, if you have any thoughts, comments, go ahead and drop them down in the comment section below.
If you want to talk to me one-on-one, the quickest way to do so is to click the first link in description, and we can talk about your situation. If you haven't already, go ahead and like this video. I really appreciate you for doing so. Subscribe to the channel and I'll catch you in the next one.
Peace.