you hello well look at us five seconds in and we've connected with each other five seconds in and you're already judging me no it's alright it's natural for you to do that because while you're paying careful attention to me your brain is also processing all that information from your senses so what you can see what you can hear and for the front row what you can smell all of that information is helping you to assess if I'm worthy of your attention it's an unconscious process well it was an unconscious process until I pointed out what was going on and now it's conscious because it's conscious I know what you're thinking but you can't hide it now it's there in plain sight there's a man in the fourth row who's thinking she's a bit chirpy for this time in the morning there's a lady just behind him thinking I wonder if she's getting paid for this and yeah the woman just behind her is going I wouldn't have put that jacket with those shoes it's it's what we do it's how we've done it since we were about this high because our brains are hard-wired to connect with other people we're social beings and that means that the more information we have the easier it is to decide whether we want to connect with those people or not and that means that our most successful interactions happen when we meet people face to face now this connection we've just made you and me that wouldn't have been nearly as effective if all I'd done is send you this message because we know that nonverbal communication is essential and yet with the exception of video calls we also know that we have to cope without you it's our only compensate how do we make every digital connection count well the truth is we can't it's not going to be perfect every time but what we can do is control the risk of making a mistake because communicating on digital media is essentially a risk management exercise so what we need to do is remember that we reply within seconds you know they gobble our response by not thinking it through that's not good because the speed at which we're able to connect with people I don't want to make it more effective or there but the fact is that misunderstandings are far more frequent than they were and it's partly because we don't engage our filter you know the thing is we perceive there to be less risk less of a threat when we're typing a message on a computer keyboard or on a mobile device it's like it's like shouting at other road users from the safety of the driving seat or even normally yell random things of people in the street but these filters don't apply to some people when they're behind the wheel or when they're composing an angry tweet and it's because they've created a safe distance between themselves and the person they're addressing so the perceived threat is reduced now because we make because we learn best by making mistakes that's what's happening none of us are perfect at communicating on digital formats yet we're all novices and from my work with people in all types of organization I know that most of us experienced a communication cock-up every single day so what we have to do is understand how to use digital platforms to best effect and then get it right more often because we're even expected to learn a whole new language to express our emotional state I mean if you want to connect with anybody under the age of 30 you need to know how to use and interpret emojis no I think I could have spent this into I talk spending out to use those effectively I'm not going to do that no I'm not life's too short and I think it's more interesting to talk about the science of behavior you know the things that can help us understand how to connect with people in a digital world because that is where psychology comes in and I think our knowledge of good and bad interactions when we meet people face-to-face can tell us a lot about how to connect with people you know over the internet so you think about the connections you've got with your family or friends even your co-workers now the very best of those are based on mutual trust and that is founded on a number of repeated successful interactions because when things go to plan we feel rewarded chemicals like dopamine are released in our brain we feel good so we behave in a certain way and when we feel happy we're motivated to maintain those connections when we feel disappointed or letdown or angry we're far more likely to cut off those ties and that's because our survival depends on our ability to recognize things that are good for us and then pursue them but it also depends on our ability to recognize the things that are bad for us and run a mile it's instinctive so what we're aiming for is a feel-good factor every time we connect with somebody else and I think that rather than relying on emojis to help us to do that we can generate a sense of satisfaction even trust simply by matching expectations because the need for familiarity predictability it's in our DNA when you match expectations you can be more productive helps you to build better relationships but fundamentally helps you it means that you can be trusted let's look at online shopping in example I mean if you order that you want to receive that right you don't want to receive that that or actually even that because when things don't match our expectations it feels really uncomfortable because you have to expend unnecessary energy in her brain figuring out what happened it's almost as if our brain hurts and let me show you what I mean with this you all seen one of these it's a Rubik's Cube now I know three ways of doing this the first way is to peel off all the sting you've done that only the second way is to move the bits like it shows you in the instructions and the third way which is the way I like best it's just to throw it in the air and it's done you see thank you now unless you were expecting me to solve that by throwing it in the air that will have come as a bit of a shock to most of you now you're all desperately trying to figure out how I did it yes your mind is in overdrive the same thing happens when someone doesn't match your expectations in a written communication I do some of you weren't expecting or they're more likely they don't say something you were expecting and it doesn't feel good and it's going to affect your opinion of them and how you behave with them from that point forward and I know that because when we just solve that Rubik's Cube search of chemicals in your brain prompted a physiological change it did your heart rate might have increased your pupils probably dilated you might have even clenched your buttocks how do I know all of that because we've put vibration sensors oh not really but you checked didn't you because what I said didn't match your expectations so neurotransmitters whizzing around in your brain prompted you to check to see if the senses were there or not you can't control it it's instinctive but I actually do know that's what happened because I recently work with a company who'd done extensive research in car dealerships what we were able to do was put heart monitors on genuine customers and then monitor them through the sales process and what we found was when things didn't match their expectations so say for example they'd booked a test-drive with a manual car when they got there the salesperson said you can actually drive an automatic because that's all we've got in that model their heart rate went through the roof and the more we found out about these mismatches and expectations for these customers we found the more likely they were to leave without having bought a car or even having booked a repeat visit even when they said coming today I'm desperate I need a car so now all the sales staff are trained in how to among other things match customer expectations and they're selling more cars but we wouldn't have got that information from the customer if we'd asked them when they left we know that because we did ask them what they said the reason for them to leave that dealership that day was I just didn't feel right I just felt a bit uncomfortable so we know that we can't actually pinpoint why we feel like that and we know that because it's an unconscious process and we found that out by scanning people's brains when they experience a mismatch in expectations and what we found was that these areas light up because of the increased activity and these are the areas of the brain that deal with stress and fear so that's why it's so important to avoid these mismatches and expectations because smooth interactions in our brain mean that we feel more comfortable and at ease more often so how's all this information going to translate to your day-to-day lives how no this is going to help you connect with people more effectively well I'm guessing that you're expecting to leave with some advice on how to do that so I'm going to finish by giving you my top three tips on how to communicate effectively in a digital world okay firstly the key to matching expectations is to do what you said you'd do I know it sounds simple doesn't it really straightforward but this is definitely something that individuals and businesses find really hard to grasp and now you know what happens to you physically when you experience a mismatch you're going to find it really hard to ignore so what you need to do is make sure that you manage your own expectations and the expectations of other people responsibly so if you need to change a deadline or an appointment do it but let people know so they expect what's happening if someone is making unreasonable demands on you tell them so that you can match their expectations the crucial thing is to avoid surprises to make sure that every connection you have is based on knowing what's expected and then doing it okay secondly if you want people to associate you with nice glowy feelings and that sense of reward then be liberal with your compliments yeah because if you can do that then when they connect with you their dopamine pathways are going to glow a little bit brighter for interesting I just conducted a mini experiment over the last couple of weeks on Twitter I sent a bunch of celebrities and famous people this tweet asking them to connect with me it contained one compliment I got nothing no responses not even from the Dalai Lama so I sent another bunch of celebrities and you know famous people this tweet it contained three compliments now I'm not gonna bore you with all the responses and the replies I got but one stands out for me because it's a particular favorite and it's from Miranda Hart now it's a favorite of mine because she points out that she hates social media and still took time to wish me luck for today they're nice Thank You Miranda but well the only thing I can conclude from this let's face it unscientific experiment is that three complements are probably better than one but you have to remember that we have an inbuilt radar for in sincere compliments so if you're gonna do this every time you do this make sure it's genuine and it's sincere practice on me if you like tweet me a message okay thirdly finally not yet finally there's three tips remember keep up so finally you have to treat every text-based communication as you would a face-to-face conversation ok don't write anything you wouldn't be prepared to say if the person was standing right in front of you engage your filter okay and if someone sends you a message and needs a response give it to them normal turn taking you know that applies as it would if you were standing in front of them don't leave people waiting for a reply even if it's just to acknowledge that you've got their message it's just rude not to do that and when you do make mistakes which you will remember to include this emoji or this emoji with any apology you send to anybody under the age of 30 okay you're gonna have to figure out for yourself what works and what doesn't work in your own network of people but what I know for certain for sure is that we can create great connections wherever they take place by managing our own expectations and the expectations of other people because when you do what you say you're going to do people will associate you with good times they'll feel good around you and when they interact with you their brain and their body will be in a happy place which is exactly how I'm feeling now because I've really enjoyed interacting with all of you thank you ever so much thank you you you