Lecture Notes: Handling Narcissistic and Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

Introduction

• Speaker: Jerry Wise
• Experience: Over 45 years helping people from narcissistic, toxic, and dysfunctional families.
• Focus: How family dysfunction impedes self-development and the threats posed by self-differentiation.

Key Concepts

Emotional Enmeshment

• Definition: Lack of autonomy, excessive emotional involvement in family.
• Impact: Threatens self-expression and independence.

Self-Differentiation

• Definition: Asserting personal needs, preferences, and boundaries despite pressures.
• Benefits: Helps recover the self and become calm, happy, and resilient.

Threatening Phrases to Narcissistic/Toxic Families

1. "I did this on my own"

   • Implies Independence, threatening their perceived necessity.

2. "No thank you"

   • Seen as rejection or disobedience, even when polite.

3. "I disagree"

   • Interpreted as criticism or challenge to authority.

4. "That's not how I remember it"

   • Questions their memory, seen as calling them a liar.

5. "I'm really happy with how this turned out"

   • Expresses joy independently, diminishing their role.

6. "You might be wrong about that"

   • Confronts fallibility, threatens self-image.

7. "I've made plans already"

   • Suggests autonomy, seen as not prioritizing them.

8. "I need some space"

   • Interpreted as rejection, undermining their importance.

9. "I got help from a friend"

   • Suggests reliance on others, triggering jealousy.

10. "I know what I'm doing"

    • Implies competence, seen as not needing guidance.

11. "I'm okay with failing"

    • Shows acceptance of failure, undermining their protector role.

12. "I achieved this"

    • Indicates success without attributing credit to them.

13. "Can we talk about this later"

    • Perceived as dismissive, avoiding their input.

14. "That's not what I want"

    • Seen as defiance or ungratefulness.

15. "Let's agree to disagree"

    • Refusal to acknowledge their correctness.

16. "I decided to go with someone else's suggestion"

    • Preferring others' advice, triggering inadequacy.

17. "I think this works better for me"

    • Choosing different methods, challenging their approach.

Self-Differentiation Tips

• Let them be triggered: Allow them to react; focus on maintaining your stance.
• Reduce reactivity: Respond maturely to their responses.
• Be okay with disappointing them: Maturing involves disappointing others.
• Plan responses: Anticipate their reactions and plan your responses to maintain calm.

Conclusion

• Encouragement: Practice the discussed phrases calmly for self-affirmation.
• Further Learning: Join free training for building the true self.
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