hey hi everyone my name is Jerry wise and for over 45 years I've been helping people who grew up in narcissistic toxic and dysfunctional families get family dysfunction out of them and become the true selves they were never allowed to be today I want to talk about very regular phrases that are a threat to narcissistic toxic or dysfunctional families or dysfunctional parents in particular emotional enmeshment is the primary reason why these phrases are a threat to them and why they are a threat to you as well these phrases are ones that imply autonomy self differentiation being an individual not dependent on others and that's a big threat in a dysfunctional family and particular Nar with narcissistic parents self- differentiation is the answer self- differentiation is the skill of asserting your needs preferences and boundaries despite strong pressures to conform to harmful Norms harmful Norms harmful expectations harmful demands and behavior of your family in any relationship system self-differentiation will help you break free and recover the self you are never allowed to be the calm happy resilient and confident you whether you are in contact with your family or not I want to talk about some of these phrases one phrase that we would want to recognize would be a threat to a dysfunctional family or a narcissistic parent I did this on my own it indicates Independence which may threaten their per ception of being needed or Central in the child's life even if the child's an adult for sure uh again you go to your parent say you know I was really happy I did this on my own and see if that evokes something in other people observe that in other people even with your friends you can say you know I'm really happy I did this on my own see what they say because that's a phrase that would prompt some reaction about enmeshment well you know you got to have other people helping you you know it wasn't always all done all on your own etc etc let me give you another example of a phrase that would be a threat to a narcissistic parent no thank you even polite refusal can be seen as a rejection or Disobedience just saying No thank you is is a big problem how dare you say no and I don't care whether you're saying thank you or not you're wrong for saying it another phrase that would be and seen as a threat by a narcissistic parent is I disagree any form of disagreement may be interpreted as criticism or challenge to their Authority or their parenting or them knowing what's best for you if you say I disagree that means probably you're wrong and that they will need to do things to get you to change back another phrase that is threatening or can feel like a threat you know that's not how I remember it what this suggests that their memory or version of events is incorrect and might be perceived as calling them a liar or questioning their sanity just by simply saying that's not how I remember it and when you question a narcissist memory or facts or what they share as being reality they will feel threatened by that another phrase that would be a threat to narcissistic parent is I'm really happy with how this turned out I'm really happy that I was able to achieve that I'm really happy that this worked out the way I wanted it to work out expressing satisfaction or Joy independently of their influence might be seen as diminishing their role or value another phrase you might be wrong about that directly implies fallibility which can threaten their self-image how dare you actually confront them and said you might be wrong about that if they're talking about your spouse or something like that and saying oh I know that your wife doesn't like me well Mom you might be wrong about that and again threatens their self-image their fallibility another phrase that could be threatening for a narcissistic parent I've made plans already suggests autonomy and can be seen as a sign of not prioritizing the relation ship with them when you say a phrase like that you've just challenged the authority of our relationship and the importance of it because I've made plans already not that I've made plans because I don't like you or don't want to do that I've just already made plans and that others are valued in my circle of relationships but they will see it as a rejection of them and not prioritizing them another important phrase phrase that could be threatening I need some space and this can be interpreted as a rejection or an undermining of their importance in your life many who are uncertain about whether they want to go no contact or not or feel like they just need a break from a toxic narcissistic parent may give the the uh a reason as you know I just need some space but again this is interpreted as a rejection and you've just said they're not important in their mind and by the way I'm not saying you should not use these phrases I think these phrases are superb phrases and if they are said calmly matter of factly and without a lot of high anxiety often times it creates less of a problem another phrase that would be threatening to a narcissistic parent is I got help from friend or I got help from a counselor or a pastor a rabbi imom or whoever I was getting help from and I got help from them suggest Reliance on others besides them which can trigger feelings of jealousy or inadequacy narcissists don't like to share influence and I found that case the true often as a as when I was a pastor and then I was a counselor a marriage and family therapist and and when I was in those roles how many times pastors maybe did not want to share influence in other words they wanted to be the primary influence on their parishioner not that they shouldn't have a strong relationship with their parishioner I understand that but it was like I'm not sure I want to share this with the counselor because they might put Notions into their head that I'm not wouldn't be okay with and not realizing maybe a good counselor coach or therapist could would be a real benefit to the client and to the parishioner so sharing influence is important for all of us to be able to do another phrase that could be threatening I know what I'm doing that implies competence and confidence which could be seen as not needing their guidance or advice I've even told a friend not too long ago I know what I'm doing meaning I really do have this you know I I have done this before this is something I know about I know what I'm doing and again if they feel insecure then they're going to feel like I don't need them or or they don't matter and that's not of course what I'm intending at all but maybe in this instance I've got this and you know when you have a parent who is always nitpicking about everything well did you put in bleed peach in your water so you can wash the dishes and that would kill germs do you do this for that and it's like no I've got this you know I I I know what I'm doing and even if I'm not doing it your way I still know what I'm doing for what I want to do I don't have to do it your way another phrase could be threatening I'm okay with failing I'll be okay it shows acceptance of failure and self-sufficient potentially undermining their role as a protector and others wait a minute it it's my job to make sure you don't fail it's my job to make sure you're a success so I look like a success well no it's I'm okay with failing because I will learn a lot and I'll be okay a narcissist doesn't feel comfortable with that phrase another phrase that could be threatening also is I achieved this I achieve that you know I'm so happy that I was able to accomplish that that indicates success or happiness that doesn't attribute credit to them and they could feel very uncomfortable with that phrase you know I I got a bunch of subscribers on YouTube well that didn't have anything to do with any any narcissistic influence it was something I was working on and of course in these phrases we're not implying that they're not important or they're not valuable it's just it's okay if I affirm myself that's okay in a non huous or narcissistic way you know I'm glad I was able to achieve that and just just go and tell someone you know I am so glad that I was able to go to school and get that degree I I just feel so good about that and that I did that see how comfortable everybody is around you with you saying something like that you're not saying I'm better than anybody else you're not saying I'm smarter than everybody else I'm just so glad I accomplished that another phrase that could be threatening is can we talk about this later might be perceived as dismissive or as avoiding their input in other words you're kind of shutting them down in their perspective and maybe I do want to shut them down I maybe I don't want to talk about this right now either because they're too upset or I'm feeling a little uncomfortable whatever but you know can we talk about this later again it could be very threatening to a narcissistic parent or family member another phrase that's not what I want direct expression of personal preference or Choice can be seen as Defiance or ungratefulness that's not what I want well here let me get you some uh lemon mering pie well no no that's okay that that's not something I really would like to have but I appreciate that and they are all offended because you're being dismissive or avoiding how much they love lemon mering pie and you should too and so now I've just challenged their security about that I don't need your security I don't like that type of pie and there's nothing wrong with that I'm sure it's a great pie and it's delicious not for my taste it's not another phrase let's agree to disagree although a common way to diplomatically end a a disagreement it might be seen as a refusal to acknowledge that they are right because if you say let's agree not to agree that's a refusal that you're not going to agree that's a refusal that you will agree I I don't agree and I'm not going to agree so let's agree to disagree that is not welcomed no we have to fight this out until you come over to my side another phrase that could be threatening to a narcissistic parent is I decided to go with someone else's suggestion preferring another person's advice can trigger feelings of inadequacy or rivalry or even jealousy you know that hey I got lots of opinions got opinions from you narcissistic parents other friends other professionals and I've decided to go with this and again that can be very painful for them because you're not doing what they think you should be doing or thinking another phrase might be I I think this works better for me if I do this choosing a different method or preference might suggest there is advice or methods are not Superior or not right or not traditional or not the way we've always done it for example in saying well I know we always get together as a family as an extended family on Christmas Day or Christmas morning well I'd like to have my own family celebration of Christmas on Christmas Day so I'd prefer to have you know another time when we visit that night the following day Christmas Eve sometime using those kinds of holidays I think that would work better for me and I want to uh that would be my preference and again that could bring up a whole host of a hornet's nest about emotions and how they feel about that why are you rejecting them why isn't their way more Superior yeah but we've always done that why would you want to mess up something that's perfect or wonderful well because I have my own family now I might want to have something different going on so we'll come and visit you but not on Christmas Day because we'd like to have our own family tradition for kids waking up in the morning or whatever we do for that holiday so what are some self- differentiation tips let them be triggered by mature sentences and Communications if you say this thing these things let them be triggered they're going to be triggered let them be they have a right to be they can do that all they want you just want to work on standing firm that I understand what you're saying mom dad sister brother whomever it is but my bottom line is that I'd like to talk about this later or I'm going to go with a friend's advice or I need some space or that's I know what you told me just how everything went in your mind but that's not how I remember it so I can listen to you but that's not the bottom line of how I remember it secondly focus on reducing your reactivity to their response if you are mature they respond immaturely or reactively don't fuel the reactivity by you becoming reactive back with them it doesn't help it doesn't help you it doesn't keep you calm and it doesn't keep you centered and we want to be able to respond back I hear what you're saying that's just not how I remember it I hear exactly what you're saying I can even tell you what you're saying but I disagree thirdly be okay with disappointing them they are a part of self-differentiation and growing up and maturing involves disappointing other people you're becoming yourself if you want to continue to be them and them be you then don't mature don't self- dierentiate to only do what everybody thinks you are and everybody wants you to be with real maturity it's going to include disappointment of others and fourthly plan self-differentiation responses ahead of time in other words think about what would you say what would you anticipate them saying what then could you say anticipate what they're saying and then say what you're saying and keep the broken record going of just saying I understand what you're saying but this is my preference this is my preference but this is my preference and practicing those responses and I work with clients all the time about practicing and staying clear about those responses es and keeping their anxiety down and working on that because it feels so much different when we can improve in those areas if you want to learn how to calmly say these phrases without losing your peace and confidently navigate their responses join the free training that I have listed below build the true self you were never allowed to have check out the link below please subscribe like and comment to this video I want to thank you for joining me have a great day and be wise