if you've ever been in love or got lost in a daydream of romance you may have gotten the idea in your head that those intense feelings of true love will last forever but real love is more than just the initial feelings of butterflies the strong attraction and the intense feelings that come with romantic love may fade in and out during a long-term relationship relationship specialist and psychologist Mark e sharp PhD explains that after those beginning feelings fade most couples are left with feelings of connection and affection even so most couples have to work to keep their relationship lasting even those who experience real love that lasts the test of time have to work at it so how do you find a love like this where do you even begin that love to give but to who love can take a lot of work even if it's for yourself relationship expert Margaret Paul PhD States in a mind-body green podcast and article that there is a big difference between trying to get love and actually sharing love we can't share love if we don't have love to share so does this mean you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself no but loving yourself sure does seem to make things easier in relationships insecurities and harsh judgments about yourself can hurt a relationship you may commonly look to only your partner to soothe these self-doubts and assure yourself and while most people love Assurance from their partner it could be unhealthy to rely on only them for those harsh insecurities To Be Tamed relationship expert Margaret Paul puts it into perspective by asking that people imagine their inner selves as a child she explains you will not be going around neighborhood trying to find somebody else to take care of your child right you take care of that child yourself perhaps figuring out the next steps as you go along apply that logic to yourself what would happen if you asked someone else to care for your inner self the love of your life may gladly help care for your inner child but feelings of rejection and abandonment men come into play from you in regards to yourself even if your partner loves your inner child that kid is still going to look up to you feeling a bit neglected Paul says that when you don't love yourself that's what happens on the inner level beware of these red flags if you want to find a love that's healthy and lasts then you should be aware of these common relationship red flags for starters a good relationship shouldn't revolve around needing to feel needed falling into emotional dependency early in the dating process with your partner can often be a bad idea people often want to feel needed and can go into relationships mainly looking for this type of satisfaction psychiatrist Abigail Brenner MD explains in Psychology today that the need may be that you my partner must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied or that you allow me your partner to feel needed by fulfilling your needs but she warns that this will often lead to a relationship with little or nowhere to grow on a first date it's also a good idea to look out for the big red flag of someone negatively ranting about their ex psychotherapist Katie Gillis explains in Psychology today that it shows an enormous lack of respect towards others in their life and ultimately speaks to their integrity there is an appropriate way and time to discuss concerns and issues with previous Partners so watch how this is done then there's some other classic red flags lying jealousy egocentrism controlling manners the list goes on but perhaps one red flag that people sometimes try to convince themselves out of is simply feeling uncomfortable around them what yes it's sometimes obvious that we as humans would turn away from what makes us uncomfortable but psychologically there's more at play here psychotherapist Katie Gillis explains that trauma survivors specifically those with a family origin of trauma have learned a coping mechanism to ignore or even deny their reality she goes on explaining that poor treatment is often normalized in their adult relationships due to them being taught as children that those who are supposed to provide love and comfort often end up hurting them a healthy loving relationship shouldn't be filled with ill treatment Gillis recommends to pay attention to the amount of time you spent trying to decipher untruths or lies when you catch yourself saying that just does not make any sense trust that feeling if you're often feeling uncomfortable but find yourself automatically dismissing it that is an important red flag that you shouldn't ignore the green flag that may lead to love Okay so we've talked about red flags but what about green flags common green flags in a relationship can be consistent kindness trustworthiness communication reliability and prioritizing each other but there is one green flag you can look out for to see if you found a partner that could truly love you or already does a 2006 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that how your partner reacts to your good news rather than just bad news can reveal a lot about your relationship 79 couples were videotaped discussing good news and bad news to their partner researchers observe the partner's behavior and response to hearing the good news and bad news the person giving the news rated how understood validated and cared for they felt during the reveal of news after two months the researchers checked in on those couples again and found that responses to positive event discussions were more closely related to relationship well-being and breakup than were responses to negative event discussions the results are discussed in terms of the recurrent but often overlooked role that positive emotional exchanges play in building relationship resources so if you want a clue into how your relationship is going reveal some good news to your partner do they passively approve or show genuine excitement Mutual Delight or are they a bit detached in response to your joy if you're mutually sharing the happiness this good news brings then that seems like a pretty green flag making your love last so perhaps you're thinking all is going pretty well love seems to be in the air but how do you make it last well there are a few things that may help for one a strong Foundation is vital in an article for psych Central licensed marriage and family therapist mudita rastogi PhD explains that your interests opinions and experiences can change as you grow but if you share the same core belief systems you will have a platform from which to build a strong relationship core beliefs and values can be very important in a long-term healthy relationship but what about the little things when one first starts dating perhaps indeed looking for love they may get too hung up on sharing similar interests the small ones but this doesn't always lead to a successful relationship similar interests and hobbies aren't as important as you may think initially licensed associate marriage and family therapist Sheila Tucker lamft explains to bustel that we're often led to believe that we need to be compatible in every area of our lives in order for a relationship to work however relationships often work best when you have the ability to do both things apart as well as together so while core values and beliefs seem to foster a loving and healthy long-term relationship varying hobbies and interests can as well you may just both take an interest in each other's interests as long as you get to know each other and if not some time doing your own thing is healthy too as long as you both spend quality time together during other moments but what about conflict you may ask well clinical psychologist Jana dubinski psyd has found in her research that conflict is bound to happen with all couples at some time the key here is how they handle and manage their conflict so instead of focusing on winning the fight listening to understand what your partner is trying to express seems more vital don't you think dubinsky continued to explain in an article from Psych Central that we don't have to agree but we must work to understand so once you found love it's best to not only enjoy it but to truly try to understand the source of it all as well who is it you love and what is it they're trying to say you love them after all so take a listen love is a magical thing and if you're searching for it we want to hear what it is you're looking out for give us the good news comment down below what it is you're looking for in a loving partner you can't always rely on signs to find Love sometimes things simply don't work out but rather use those signs and relationship Flags to find a partner that could just one day be your love hopefully one that lasts that test of time if you both put in that commitment and work often every long-term relationship needs we hope you've enjoyed this video if you did don't forget to click the like button 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