we're good to go for the brothers who want to pray I just want because we're going to start this one so that's really going to bother you so if you could move way to the front then that'll be easier for you inshallah yeah yeah we're good to go right okay alul so today's session inshallah is a continuation of last week's session part two to the explanation of Hadith uh 31 marriage and love where the messenger said there is nothing like marriage for two who love each other that is if two are in love with each other the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said there is nothing like marriage for both of them that this is the uh medicine that this is the natural and logical and emotional and satisfactory end to such a love everything else will fail and will bring misery so we started talking about that this Hadith and what it includes and um topics around it right related to it and we'll continue inshallah to talk about these today because this is one of the most important aspects of love that we encounter but we are ill equipped to deal with and that is because we don't understand what love is not in not really in a full sense and we don't understand how all of that relates to the love of Allah so last time I told you that perhaps the first thing we will talk about today is that there is a difference between love before marriage and love after marriage and whatever you want to call that you want to call it attraction you want to call it love you want to call it love with quates the person feels attracted to so and so they want to be with so and so they worry about so and so if something happens to them so there is this uh emotion that they share but what you feel before marriage is not what you're going to feel after marriage and the reason being is before marriage how much do you know about the person to really love them right especially if you follow the Islamic guidelines right and it is something in inection that is happening from afar from a distance how much do you know about them to really love them a lot of time when we are falling in love with somebody even if you're talking to them on the phone all the time or you see them all the time but you're not living with them you're loving an idea you're loving an ideal and you're loving a fantasy so there are two things that are coming together the little that you know about that person and your projection your ideas your fantasies your wishes so you marry the both or marry both together and you produce a fantasy of who that person is and you fall in love with that thing that's not reality on your part that's not reality because you don't know the person yet and you're projecting the ideal that you have which we'll talk about an ideal that you either had inherited from movies and novels or you constructed on your own you hope that person to be so that becomes your ideal so you're falling in love with that ideal and you expect that person to be that ideal of course after marriage is going to be different so that's on your part that's what you're loving at that moment on the part of the other person there's always that element of pretense presenting the best that you have and the best that you are it's a mask that all of us put when we meet other people and and that is a natural um approach to meeting people like when you come to the Masid do you behave as the worst person you are do you behave as you are naturally or do you put on the best appearance and best behavior the best it has to be the best and there's nothing wrong with it because this is how you want to be and this is how you want people to see you plus you tolerate other people in the mid or at work or what have you because you're not that close to them you're not going to spend a lot of time with them they don't irritate you as much and you want to maintain an image at home you can't do this you can't keep pretending you can't keep uh holding back what you want to say who you really are so if you are attracted to someone and they're attracted to you and you're talking to them and they're talking to you those minutes or those hours that you're talking to each other or you're out with each other and we're just I'm not saying this is Islamic but while that is happening you're presenting the best of you and he's presenting the best of him right you're not really revealing and it's not Sinister no but you're not really revealing the worst of you until you actually are married and when you marry all of these pretenses fall because you don't have to pretend anymore this is the person who is at home with you all the time who supposedly you'll spend the rest of your life with so there is no reason to pretend anymore so when you upset you'll show them that you're upset when you are frustrated when you're sad they'll see all of that you're no longer what masking who you are so if that person is presenting the best of them you're presenting the best of you and the in between the missing parts that you don't know about them you're filling them in with your own fantasies and ideals then that love after marriage becomes a constructed fantasy when you marry reality will show itself you will be your own self he or she will be their own self there's no pretense anymore and now you will live under pressure which is the pressure of normal life right so some days are good and some days are bad uh sometimes you fight sometimes you Clash cuz you're always next to each other now you'll see how he or how she will deal with frustration sadness anger then you'll discover who that person is then and only then so there is no amount of time that you can spend before marriage that will reveal to you who that person is no amount even if you're engaged for a year or two it's very different and there is a consultant right and he's speaking from practice and from people coming and talking to him about their experience and he's saying and this is a female who has married the one that she loves and she's saying that I know I knew him for a long time one 2 3 years we were constantly talking constantly on the phone we go out he pays for the meals etc etc again I'm not saying that this is Islamic I'm just narrating what she said so I knew him enough to think and believe that I know who that person is long enough to believe that I know who that person is she said the day we got married I discovered that he was very different he changed his behavior changed before he would pay for everything now he doesn't pay for anything before he would do this and that now he doesn't want to do anything now he settled into what he perceives to be his role and her role his reality his nature now reveals itself again I'm not saying that this is Sinister I'm not saying that somebody is playing you I'm just simply saying that this is how a person is before marriage and this is how a person is after marriage so love before marriage is not a predicting factor or a good predictor of your happiness after marriage you could fall in love with someone marry based on that love lack compatibility you just have those emotions lack compatibility after a few months or few years as a married couple you lose that love and then people divorce so as love can come love can go it's not the only thing that sustains a marriage and somebody may say okay well why not I live with someone like actually live with someone have sexual relations with them sleep with them for 1 2 3 years boyfriend girlfriend only then will I know if we are compatible right it's like a test drive like you test drive test drive a car only then would you know if you like it or not I'll test drive a human being and the answer to this is what is that if you pursue this don't imagine that Allah is going to bless your union because what are you doing as we said last time if the Shan is the third the Shan will bleed the Bara out of your marriage or Union or your companion or that love that you have so if you really love someone and you want to live with them guaranteed you're going to lose that love or will be tainted and contaminated or if you try to marry that person after some time it's not going to be successful so that's not the way right to preserve love and to preserve marriage but rather as we said to follow what pleases Allah and follow the of Muhammad and you want to say really that again addressing that issue before and after marriage that Love Actually grows stronger after marriage because when you marry someone and you are committed to them and you stay with them you are facing life together you have common experiences your hopes your expectations converge they become one you lean on her she leans on you so in addition to the attraction that you have physical and emotional yeah have you have other elements that strengthen that love and bring you closer together so as the years pass the love grows it doesn't diminish it may be expressed differently right it will definitely not be expressed in ways that you see in Hollywood and Bollywood so that's how we develop ideas about romance how a husband's supposed to act how a wife is supposed to act so when you go into a marriage before marriage or at at the cusp of marriage expecting your life to look like a Hollywood movie or a Bollywood movie you're going to be severely disappointed because what they present to you what is Hollywood present to you reality and I'm including Bollywood here because a lot of people watch Bollywood right so what are they presenting to you reality this is how people actually live so think about it are these actors living that life no then the writers right are they living that life the director anyone who's involved in that movie is he living that type of life no so what are they writing what are they producing it's a fantasy why are they producing a fantasy because it sells so they know that everybody is looking for love that's this whole book is about that everybody is seeking love so he says if I can sell them that product where this person is finally finds love conquers everything to be loved and to find love dies for the sake of his or her beloved it will sell people are going to come and they're going to watch it and and they'll keep watching it and if it sells I'm going to do more and more of it and until I find out that it doesn't sell anymore I'll switch to something else so love in Hollywood and Bollywood is not supposed to resemble reality it's not supposed to heal it's not supposed to guide it's not supposed to satisfy but basically what it does is confuse and damage and there are people and it's not only Hollywood and Bollywood there are also some Muslim countries and we're coming to Ramadan right and when you come to Ramadan Muslim countries they produce the best series you know about this right the best series the best TV is found in Ramadan right so people are going to be watching more TV in Ramadan than before or after and one main focus and not saying I have not kept up with whatever they're producing but very popular series are about love and there are people who are actually divorced divorce their husbands or divorce their wives because their life doesn't match what they see on the screen look how gentle he is look how caring he is he brings her flowers and uh chocolate and this and this and look how she how compassionate she is and you consider that you consider your life you find that there's a lot missing from your life say I'm looking going I look for somebody else so families break up because the reality does not match that fantasy and he must understand that it's just simply nothing else but a fantasy and if you understand that you're not going to learn from it how you're supposed to be a husband or how supposed to be a wife but rather you consult you ask and you go to the Quran you go to the Sunnah and you also moderate your expectations based on what you can give as well so something interesting about marriage and this is something that we need to explain is that not all marriages are based on love and not all marriages are sustained by love or get sustained by love right meaning in the beginning there might be some love but it's not the thing that sustains them or keeps them together and this is a saying from on page 330 he said he says the fewest of all homes are built on love but people live together with Islam and kindness meaning they build a home and they sustain a home with Islam and kindness so what he's saying here is something important he saying how many homes are built on on love and by love he means what that intense attraction that husband and wife have for each other that romantic IC love that we all know how many homes were are built on that they married because of it or continue to stay because of it it's saying reality is that's not the thing that keeps people together because as I said this thing can come but it can go it can subside it declines and it has to decline with time that type of emotion that type of sentiment it has to decline with time but something else takes its place so it's saying what they lift together they continue to sustain each other they continue to build that home with Islam and withan with kindness to each other meaning I received kindness from them and I give them kindness so there is that respect and that love because of that kindness and they also maintain that home because of Islam you I owe them something and they owe me something and they're also were taking care of the kids and the family and what have you but if you're only going to sustain a home or a relationship based on love and nothing else but love even if you lack compatibility you got to understand that that may not sustain that relationship it may end up killing it right and we will talk about that intense love but love can make relationships and people miserable love that intense love it can bring misery to people if there is nothing else to guard against that intense fluctuations or intense extremes of that love so you have a story in the Quran of the wife of aliz that loved whom yfam and it's mentioned in the Quran so the people right in in the city they're gossiping and talking about the wife of al-aziz and they say that the wife of al-aziz is trying to seduce her servant she truly loves him meaning her love his love has penetrated her heart meaning it went inside meaning as if the heart if it has a thin layer around it and so his heart penetrated that layer mean it's way deep inside so she loves him what did she do with him she accused him tried to frame him and eventually was the cause behind his imprisonment right because when she was caught and her husband found her she said what is the uh punishment for someone who wants ill for your family so what do you expect that the husband will do to someone who wants to harm his family he could kill him she to save herself right although she loves him she was willing to do that and eventually he spent years in prison because of that so don't think that simply because one loves another right that that is going to end in a you know in a happily ever marriage no they could he could kill her or she could kill him she could turn against him and he can turn against her love needs other things as well so said if you're going to wait till you love someone to get married or you will only stay with them if you still continue to have that feeling a lot of people will get divorced but what else is there he's saying there is Islam and there isan kindness right to other people Mercy that both of you have common goals both of you are taking care of each other both of you are um protecting each other companionship right companionship so there are reasons why people do things just not just love right so how many people and I don't know if really this is a good example or not maybe it's not but how many people love their jobs I'm not equating marriage to a job but I'm just want to kind of convey a message how many people love their jobs few how many people go to their jobs everybody so why do you go to your job is it because you love it because it serves other purposes as well right there are other things that you love and because of that you stay in this thing otherwise you wouldn't so I'm saying I'm not saying that marriage is a trap like you're trapped with your job I'm not saying that but I'm saying that no marriage is blissful but you don't just stay there simply because I'm madly in love with so and so I can't wait to see her see her or see him because I'm constantly daily a romantic person you can't do this no one can do that right so if you are realistic about it your marriage will be successful by the will of Allah right now there is something here that I address which is a love that turns into a disease love that turns into a disease so anything too much of anything right if you eat too much it becomes an illness right although food nourishes you but too much of it is damaging if love becomes excessive too intense without restraint it becomes an illness and that is what is called in um Islam okay and other languages right borrow this uh this phrase or this word from Islam and they use it right which is intense love very intense love and it kind of can equate with the idea of a soulmate and everybody is aware of the idea of the soulmate so what is a soulmate soulmate is the one and only that you have to find and if you don't find you're always always lacking and you're always searching but once you find them you're completely satisfied right so your soul has a mate and you're not complete you're always incomplete until you find your soulmate and your soulmate is not just any random person right there has to be one so you keep looking and looking and looking until you find this person and that idea resonates I want to say with all of us because its bases meaning we're looking for something we're looking for love is sound that's true but you're not looking for a human being you're looking for who looking for Allah okay but then because you don't know you think that you're supposed to look for a human being who is going to satisfy this big gap in your heart so this person that you're going to find that soulmate will be everything for you everything right that you're going to be miserable but once you find them they'll be um the person who will take care of you the person who will save you the person who will listen to you the person who will solve your problems the person who will Empower you the person who will take you and Propel you into unimaginable Heights and the problem with this of course it's absolutely unrealistic no one single person can be that for you do you believe that right no one single person can do that to you cuz if you think about it could you be that person to somebody else that they can come and give you all of their problems all of their insecurities all of the gaps that they have and you say you fulfill all of this fulfill all of my expectations be everything that I want to be the Perfection that I want to be can they no so that's not only unrealistic it's misguided because what you're looking for is Allah as you're looking for perfection ction and that Gap will always be there even when you find a human being cuz when you find that human being and you say that's it when I find him when I find her she'll be he'll be everything to me but then you discover that they are imperfect sometimes they don't want to talk to you they're angry sometimes they're busy with their own problems sometimes they have no Solutions sometimes they're the cause of your problems now now wet that wasn't the soulmate you want to look for somebody else go you look you find somebody else they might be better but still flawed you want to look for somebody else go and every human being that you find you'll discover that they are flawed and so on and so on and so on who is perfect cuz you're looking for Perfection who is perfect Allah right but some of us um don't realize this right so we think and we still believe that humans can satisfy that and they can be our soulmates and that is this the idea of is where you love someone with all of your heart a human being with all of your heart and that love dominates to the degree that it eclipses all other types of love and it becomes sickening because you can't be with them there's a distance so it makes you sick spiritually sick and in fact physically sick and it can kill a human being can kill right they can't eat they can't drink unless they are next to so and so cuz the only thing they want from life is to be next to to them not nothing else and that type of Love is an illness and that is what they call it or the love of beautiful imagery or beautiful images or beautiful fa faces and physiques you look at someone beautiful face beautiful this beautiful that you fall in love with that image and you give it all and you become trapped by it and he said this is a disease this is on page 331 to 332 he says this is a disease of the diseases of the heart and before before I begin this is a greater disease I contend a greater disease today than it was in the past because how many women or how many wom could you see in front of you in the past you're restricted huh restricted to few women here few men over there and that's it and you may fall in love with them and may not but how many could you see today not just around you but through the media pictures and videos or what have how many could you see people who are not in the same geographical area living on other continents are paraded and selected right and groomed with makeup stylists uh Photoshop this and that until they don't resemble a real human being they don't look like themselves anymore but they become as close or they become as close as you can to human Perfection no flaws so when you see that it's easy for you to fall in love with that image that actress that actor that famous person who in reality if you were to be next to them you would not like them you would not be attracted to them but now through those all of those filters they are the image of perfection so you love fall in love with them and you only want to be with with them and you only want people who are like them and when you want to get married you say I want a person who looks like her or a man that looks like him and that again is what fake but anyway he says that type of dominating love he says is a disease and he said he continues and he says that is of those images is only the Affliction of hearts that are empty of the love of Allah the ones that have turned away from him and the ones that have have found a replacement for the love of the Divine but he says if the heart is filled with Allah's love and longing to see him that will repel the is of images and that's why Allah said about YF so we did so that we would protect him from Evil and indecency he is of our Ser our sinc sinere servants so he says that indicates that sincerity is a cause to repel and all the consequence that come from it which is what evil and indecency so he said some of the Sal have said he says loving someone to that degree to that intensity is a movement or the movement of an empty heart meaning it's empty of anything else but loving that person and it also means that it's empty of loving Allah so because it was empty of loving Allah it's vacant so when it saw this thing it loved it and it loved it with such intensity that it was the thing that it loves the most so he's saying that if it loved Allah the most it's impossible for it to fall victim to that type of excessive love does that make sense to you it's impossible cuz the Love Is is already occupied right if you're already full you ate your meal already you're not going to desire another thing it's full you're full I'm done but if you're hungry you're going to eat anything you'll consume anything good or bad so if the heart is empty okay the heart cannot remain empty it has to have something so if it doesn't have Allah's love I have to put something else inside so what do I love anyone or anything and it becomes the dominant love and the problem with this of course is that the greater you love someone the greater that you surrender to them until you reach a point when you become their slave internally and externally so he said here uh he said and it's it's important to remember this he says the human is a slave to whom they love love no matter who they are right so when you love someone and let's say it's just natural love you are you in part you will surrender to them in part he says can you give me this can you buy me that can you take care of this he'll say fine they say why why did you accept that request because you love them right you accept that request because you love them the greater the love the greater the surrender right the greater the love the greater the surrender till you reach a point where if they asked you for anything you will do it and you will not risk upsetting them at even if you upset Allah when you reach that level when the love that matters the most is loving them that the love of Allah obeying them or listening to them or fulfilling their desire but not Allah then you ask yourself am I a servant of Allah or their servant right am I a servant of Allah or their servant cuz no matter how much you love them okay there has to be a ceiling there has to be a limit there has to be a point where you say oh not this I love Allah more because every human being right will have that tendency to ask for more and more and unless they put a limit on themselves somebody else has to put that limit cuz otherwise they'll take advantage so you will always surrender to the people that you love it's just you have to ask yourself do I have a limit or not otherwise they will make you their servant and if they are um if they like ethics if they like manners if they like sympathy and they know that you love them to that extent they'll abuse you and they'll abuse that love and they'll take advantage of you and that's that's the problem with that type of intense love which is you don't think you can't think anymore you're not rational and people can take advantage of you even though they don't like you or they are not in love with you so a person who loves Allah is free is free to say this love is harmful he could stay stay away from this love is excessive I will restrain it I will accept these requests but I'll reject these requests now now so the point here is that as we said the heart is always looking for the Eternal which is Allah and no human being can take its place and every torment every love is a tormenting love without Allah everything that you love so we said you're a slave to whomever you love right and we say also that every love and everything that you love will torment you with that love except the love of Allah except the love of Allah why will it torment you not intentionally some people will torment you intentionally but why is every love tormenting because you could lose it and that's tormenting right you could lose it so something if they become sick that's tormenting the idea that they could stop loving you that's tormenting the idea that they could hurt you that's tormenting so any love has that element to it but of course if you love Allah at the same time he protects you from that element but the love of Allah is never tormenting because you can never lose him he'll never turn his back on you he'll never betray you he'll never love you less unless you love him less it has to come from you but he never love you less he'll always love you more than you love him so the love of Allah is that love that you're looking for that once you found once you find you'll be secure but not love of humanity so again and I'll just translate it he says it's impossible for the heart to have love the love of Allah whom he called the highest beloved so you love love love love and then reach a point Allah is the highest of all beloveds so he said impossible that you will have the love of the highest beloveds and having is for images they are opposites they cannot come together because um loving Allah will dismiss or expel any type of um uh false love and if you love something other than Allah you love it because it lead you to Allah it's a path to him it sustains that love or protects you from harmful elements that block Allah's love basically he's saying what when you love Allah everything else that you love could melt into the love of Allah so you love your wife not just because her she's the wife but also what she sustains you right she protects you she leads you to Allah so she also becomes part of loving Allah and that intensifies that love sustains it protects it you love your children why not only because you had them and Allah gave them to you but because you are building something with them that pleases Allah so if everything that you love becomes part of loving Allah it gets protected that way and you increase that love and you strengthen it and it doesn't compete with Allah's love it becomes part of it now there I included on page uh 335 to uh 336 uh steps or recommendations that if someone is suffering from that excessive intense love right what can they do to be able to overcome it and they're basically kind of divided into two parts one is is increasing your love for Allah and the second is steps for weakening let me go through them a little bit right inshallah with some brevity so increasing your love for Allah so get to know Allah better and worship him more uh read the Quran more and contemplate what it means make a lot of Dua make a lot of Dua because the more Dua that you make and plead with Allah you say Ya Allah have been Afflicted with this and I know it's damaging protect me from it and rescue me from a a a b and c so make a lot of Dua and when something is addictive something had possessed the heart don't expect that's just going to leave you in a day or two it will take some time so be persistent in that Dua and Allah this is addiction it's a type of addiction so any anyone who has a habit that is bad an addiction that is bad be engaged in Dua daily and Allah will heal that addiction it may take some time but Allah will take that addiction away but it's important to be persistent and to be sincere remind yourself of the only love that you need is the love of Allah and that's the thing that truly can make you happy read about the biographies of other Muslims and how they devoted their lives to Allah and how much they have sacrificed so that you see that life is not simply about loving so and so but things that are much bigger and more satisfying and keep the company of Pious Muslims who will remind you that there are more important things that simply loving so and so or being shunned by so and so steps for weakening if you love someone marry them if you're in love with someone marry them right if they are a good potential spouse right and if not start thinking about marrying somebody else so if you're in love and you've been burned and you're still feeling all of that and what should I do should I keep longing for so and so he said no look for somebody else because she will have or he will have what that person had and more so that would be your own new concern the new love that you're going to have so don't stay trapped in the past so either marry the object of your love if there are potential good spouse or if not marry somebody else also distance yourself from the object of your love if they are not suitable for you you love them but they're not good for you don't stay around them don't keep looking at them don't keep checking their social media don't read their previous emails delete all of that because you need distance and with enough distance you'll start thinking less and less about them does that make sense so you need distance right keep yourself busy with useful work lower your gaze and do not look at the Haram because that weakens you even other types of Haram that weakens you so in order for your heart to be strong enough it needs to stay away from sin so you need to fill it with IM not with Haram ask Allah to assist you stop listening to music and stop watching movies because that will weaken you as well music is about what even even if there's no lyrics to It music inflames the desire so if you're already suffering don't listen to sad music about loved ones who have left you and that doesn't work that defeats the whole healing process stop listening to it and don't watch movies about lovers and romance and that doesn't help so you have to stop stop this and you have to stop that and then you can start healing right Ponder the fact that each human being is flawed and will Decay and die so kind of bring that Ideal Image that you have of so and so to real life they will age that beautiful skin will not continue to be beautiful that Radiance will not continue to radiate right they will Decay they will die they'll turn into sand and Ashes that's the eventuality of every human being so if you think about them in that way think about their flaws you can't see them but think about their flaws as human beings ask about their flaws as human beings and you will love them less right and also remember that no matter whom you love and how intense your love is you're going to leave them or they will leave you with death they'll have to die what will you do so assume that they've died already what will you do okay so you have to decrease your attachment on a human being who's going to leave you and attached to Allah and there's a Hadith here on page 337 which is going to be actually the last Hadith um in this series Hadith 42 which I'll just translated but the explanation inshallah will come later he says alhi wasallam he said jel came to me and he said yeah Muhammad oh Muhammad live as long as you wish you're going to die and love love whomever you want to love you're going to leave them and do whatever you're going to do whatever you wish to do you will find it on the day of judgment you'll be requited by that and know that the believer's dignity is his night prayer and his honor is in not needing people we'll discuss this Hadith inshallah later but the relevant part is what what did jel tell Muhammad from him to him to us love whomever you want you're going to leave him so if you have people around you that you love and you do and now you see them through that filter of you're going to leave them you're attachment to them your Reliance on them must decrease just with that because there's GNA come a day when I'm not going to have them around then what will that devastate me can I move forward can I can I can I that decreases your attachment on any human being the last part of the the book I that chapter is about forbidden attraction and that is an attraction to someone that you cannot marry right so somebody is attracted to a member of the opposite sex but he cannot marry her she cannot marry him for whatever reason right so if we say somebody is attracted to a married woman right is in love with a married woman do we tell them go and pursue your love and break up that uh family cuz uh love is all that matters no right we tell them what they tell them she's married off limits doesn't matter what you feel love doesn't justify any action so again and again and again I'm saying love is not an absolute good meaning as long as you love ex be with them that's okay that's wrong right so love is not an absolute good love needs directions guidance from Allah then it becomes good or bad so love can be bad so loving that woman and pursuing her and trying to have her divorce her husband to marry her is an isn't is an absolute evil so that's not love that Allah loves but he hates it so that's if you're attracted to someone from the opposite sex if you're attracted to someone from the same sex that's also forbid an attraction right because can you marry them no islamically and so that attraction or even if you say I'm in love with so and so woman with another woman man with another man they say well just go ahead and be with them just because you love them you say no just like with the first case that I presented to you this would be Haram to pursue but I love them but it doesn't matter Allah now is testing you with that love and attraction right can we can not can we not be attracted to things that are sinful alcohol or have addiction to alcohol drugs and have addiction to them does that mean that we're supposed to just drink and cons assume these things no we stay away from them and we say that's your and my test so if you have an attraction to somebody from the same sex what should you do know that it's wrong stop and all the things that we talked about the treatment of apply here strengthen your IM distance yourself from them you know how you lower your gaze when you see somebody from the opposite sex if you're attracted to someone from the same sex right you lower your gaze and it doesn't make you a thing and that islamically it doesn't make you a homosexual it doesn't make you gay when you attracted to someone from the same sex it just happens that I'm attracted to so and so it can can happen but it doesn't Define you oh now I'm this but not that it doesn't Define you it just simply said means Allah tested me with this stay away from it Allah hates it stay away from her Allah hates it and that is test and sometimes love empowers and sometimes love is our test and so when the love of Allah is superior you can say no to these things and know that Allah will compensate you in the next life just like a lot of people today they cannot get married they cannot I don't have the money I don't have the means right I didn't find the right person they cannot get married and what does what do they say to themselves when I meet Allah in the next life Allah compensates me there will be marriage there will be love then in Jenna so this is not the whole story so you could just stay away from it until Allah allows it if he allows it in the D in halal ways alhamdulillah if not that's not the end of your story you don't have to lament and regret and say woe to me and everybody got it and I didn't get there is a afterlife where you're going to get everything that you want from Allah Asel right so this is it and let me know if you have questions and I have one question that I was asked so let me answer that and also giving you inshallah the chance to ask or think about more questions so one question is um related to what we said last week it says if I want to choose a spouse and why I going to determine religious compatibility so we have common understanding and when it comes to religious practice it's mostly okay mostly good 70% 80% good but there is this last 25 to 20% that it's still not okay in terms of how he she dresses how he she behaves some habits some focus in life whatever it is so most of it is good but not all of it how do you address this do I have to look for a complete perfect match or if there is something missing it's okay and if it's okay what are the parameters for it to be okay how do I deal with it so ideally of course you want a per 100% match whenever that is possible we see eye to eye everything is fine alhamdulillah so in terms of character in terms of religious practice you have no reservations and she has no reservations but suppose that there are some missing elements right and you want him or you want her to adjust to change sooner or later you bring this up right you bring this up as you are conversing as you are talking as you are deciding well I expect from my husband not to do these things I want from my husband to do these things that's the kind of husband that I want to have I expect from my wife not to dress this way not to behave this way so this is what I want from you and the other says this is what I want from you and to see then the response for instance this this sister is perfect in every way but she doesn't have she doesn't wear the hijab it came to this right you say what I expect what I want from my wife it has she has to wear the hijab would you be be willing to and if you find not only enthusiasm for it but acceptance of that and she does wear the hijab and changes or he does the same thing changes then that Isel increase compatibility between you and you can advance you could pred if you find reluctance right if you find resistance and this is something that is a must and not doing it is Haram or doing it is Haram sometimes it's a major sin he cannot proceed until this is resolved because convincing someone to change and having them agree to that change before marriage is easier easier than after marriage before marriage right it's easier because the person is eager to enter into that Union and they're eager to also what I mean they may be more willing to change because it's a new life but once you marry and there is this pressure on both of you daily pressure and you begin to get on each other's nerves right irritate each other a little bit and you have to human beings right so you're going to stop listening to her a little bit and she's going to stop listening to you a little bit because oh you're annoying and she's annoying and he's annoying right so you're not going to listen to each other as well as before marriage so if you tell her after marriage well you promise you're going to wear the hijab when will this happen he says stop nagging me I'll do it whenever right she is she's not going to be as willing as accommodating but if you say all of this before before and you have a commitment and you have a change in practice then yes but should I marry her even though she's not wearing the hijab no should I marry him even though he smokes pot no he one day he will stop no do I marry him even though he go goes out with his friends and smokes shisha and what have no he has to let go of all of these things all these bad habits he has to say no to them he has to commit to that and then it depends on your relig religious observance cuz you may be at a level of religious observance and commitment that you're not going to even consider someone who has that in public you're not someone a sister who's not does not yet wear the hijab he says no it's too much work for me I'm at this level I need somebody to match for other people it's fine as long as she has that commitment and she starts it's fine so people are a different level of religious practice and observance and as long as that person is maintaining the minimum of the Halal andam no major sins no visible major sins then you say fine so uncovering or not wearing the hijab is what a major sin or a minor sin it's a major sin right you know so if you're engaged in a major sin no that's a red flag you cannot proceed so when you cleanse that when you take care of it then you can proceed and again you match your religious observance so that both of you are supportive of each other right so I'm going to check inshallah to see if there are any online questions but think about questions you may have yeah go ahead of objects things so is every love tormenting does that apply to loving objects and things definitely because if you love something too much and you worry about it so much you'll be afraid that you're going to lose it it'll be damaged and when it's actually lost and is damaged it leaves you with sorrow right so that's what it is so it is tormenting too so the less that you love things especially things more than people the less you're attached to things the better you are because you could lose them and if they go they go Allah could replace them right yeah so people could love money so much that you know if they lose it it kills them like literally kills them right so it's tormenting in that way um so how to know whether a person is compatible with you for marriage how to get to know someone you're are seeking for marriage for character since some people may put up a Persona definitely they could put up a Persona and the reason that they do this as as we explained some of it is natural some of it they could be be trying to uh they fake their way into a relationship or a um a marriage but how do you know um you talk to them and you ask questions and you inquire about them about their friends about their habits and you if you do this you're more slight to find out whether they are compatible or not so it's not just simply what he says about himself okay so if you say that you are religious what does that mean and if you remember last time we kind of I broke that down into what it means to be religious so what does it mean that you are religious and again it depends on your level so religious what do you go to the Masjid yeah what Masjid right Masjid X or who knows you there so you ask you ask the IM you ask the people around do you know so and so male or female do you know so and so okay uh you say that you are religious um do you um pray do you fast do you do okay who are your friends a b and c so you investigate ab and C you investigate them on social media you investigate this person on social media you'll understand their connections and their priorities um you ask about the family they must have a reputation he he must have a reputation of some sort nobody is a Hermit right concealed so fully concealed no one knows them even if they try to lie okay so now you have a little better idea okay um religious do you attend lectures do you listen to Scholars to do you have read Islamic books yes what and who so they list and you can tell who's honest and who's faking it who really knows because one two three questions deep enough you'll know whether a person is listening in or not what they know and what they don't know how knowledgeable they are and not how observant they are and what not you'll know one two three questions if you are young if you are a bit naive if you don't know yet and know bring in somebody who knows right a parent an elder right somebody else or at least that they provide you with the questions ask about a b c and d so if you inquire if you investigate you'll know who they are and they not going to stay hidden from you and by the way also so we all know what is you pray and it's I want to say even though it's recommended I want to say it's almost a must when you are proceeding to choose someone that you don't fully know 100% just like getting a job just like accepting an offer flying somewhere I you don't know this good for me or not you investigate but there's always that element a hidden element that you don't fully know a 10% at 20% at 30% Allah knows but it's just hidden from you right so like just like last week somebody asked me he says like how do I know that she is who she says she is like how do I know even if she tells me it say well well how are you going to know unless you know you hire a private investigator who follows her all the time or you install a camera that is monitoring her all the time how will you know you have to accept what she says she could be lying yes but you investigate and that uncovers that lie and the is there also to protect you so to think that everybody is lying or to think everybody is hiding something that's excessive right so investigate and ask Allah and Allah will not disappoint you Allah will not disappoint you if you want if what you want is the Halal and you're seeking it Allah will not disappoint you so how do you prepare yourself for marriage what are some green flags to look out for while getting to know someone for marriage so how to get yourself ready for marriage if you know the UH responsibilities and rights of a of a husband and of a wife how you're supposed to act how the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam was how the wives of the Prophet Alat wasam were so if you understand that and if you understand in general the Quran the Sunnah um you will be better qualified to be a good companion so it's religious knowledge it's character adab and I must emphasize adab it's not just simply I know but there's an adab so humility not being argumentative male or female right leaving Al Jal so you're not arguing all the time you don't have to be right all the time uh forgiveness and learning to forgive learning to control your anger all of these are part of the adab that you'll find in the Quran and the Sunnah so if you absorb that you'll be a better husband and you'll be a better wife you'll know how to control your tongue you have to control your temper all of these things are essential so if you learn them you'll be a better uh you'll have a better marriage and you know the flags that you're looking for that you call the green flags are how obedient are they to Allah um how do they talk talk about Allah how do they talk about the prophet when they imagine their future what do they imagine I want to accomplish this and this and this does it match yours or not what do they want to why do they want to have kids what do they want to do with those kids does it match your own perspective or not is it pleasing to Allah or not so if you find that they are fulfilling all of these uh prerequisites of who a Pious person is then those are the flags that you're looking for and you'll know more of that when when you know more when you're educated right and a lot of us are not educated our education Islamic education is very superficial you just know a little bit a layer on a thin layer on the surface that's it but the real deep layer we don't really know Islam and we don't know Muhammad wasam deep enough we just do a little bit on the top so if you know more then you will understand more right how to live in a healthy way in a marriage I think you know I've described some of it but you have ad and Allah says is beautiful take as much as people can give and don't ask for more and that is a very beautiful thing take as much as people can give and don't ask for more so imagine people are walking and they are tanks just like you know a tank of a car that carries fuel so this person person is walking and they are filled up to a 50% imagine you could see this this person up to a 75% this person up to a 10% so they can only give you what they have so this person who has 10% you can only ask for 10% beyond that what they stop I don't have I don't have the energy I'm not I'm not full I'm missing 90% so if you know that a person is unable to give you beyond that don't ask for more okay so that's kind of Mercy but also wisdom in dealing with people like this person can't be generous I'm talking in general not about husband and wife this person is difficult for them to be generous they're strong in other areas but they're not really generous with money so I'm not going to expect them to be generous that's who they are unless you want to fix them that's something else but what to expect from people right this person is gets angry very quickly I know that's that's their limit then I understand how to deal deal with them right I'm not going to push them this person for instance can't listen to a complicated story I'm not going to tell them complicated stories that's hard so don't put on them what they can't carry Allah doesn't put on you what you cannot carry so don't expect from people what they can't carry that's that's an in Islam by the way right so don't burden a person and and that's and what I'm going to describe next is difficult to apply it as the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam applied it but you can what in let it inspire you uh don't let it be about yourself and your needs all the time me me me right but also let it be about the other person and the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam he said he would never personally avenge himself like avenge himself for a personal injury or insult I'm going to say that's imp possible to do today like he gets insulted for a personal reason not Islamic reason personal reason he doesn't avenge himself he doesn't reply he doesn't attack even if he wanted something right so an again this is one of the things that Pro to you that he's a prophet of Allah he says he says I sered the prophet sallallah alaihi wasallam for 10 years he never told me if I did something wrong why did you do it that way he never corrected me meaning in household things right like let's say for instance he put it here instead of there a vas here instead of there made the bed this way but not in that way he didn't say why did you do it this way 10 years he never asked he never complained whatever you do and if the family of the Prophet were to complain about him he says he says let let him be if Allah had wanted it to be this way it would have happened let him be see see how detached he is from his own ego let it be let it be he would come to his wife again who can do this passes by the wife but they don't have money they're not wealthy passes by the one household what do you have for lunch today he says we have nothing he says okay I'll fast I'll fast this how it is if it's there he eats it if not he'll fast if they give a gift because he didn't have anything if they give a gift and it's there right some food he'll eat it if not heal fast so again there is no ego so we want to understand how right this is this is how the prophet Sall alaihi wasallam can inspire you and that's why I'm saying when you want to really learn it has to be more than listening to lectures Lex and lectures is great but the lecturer is will be unable especially if that lecture that lecture is kind of superficial and you know just for the general masses it's doesn't educate well un be unable to feed you all the things that you have you have to read you have to read right especially the primary text the Quran and the Sunnah right okay okay yeah yeah insh let me see okay me see I don't know if I answered these before or not um if we've seen the worst of our other half and it affects how we treat them we become less respectful what habit is helpful write her his goodness to appreciate him her be grateful um think about all the other good things that they have I don't know what the worst have that they have what bad habits that they have but you also kind of balance it with thinking about of thinking about the other good things that they have so appreciate the good okay and don't exaggerate the bad and work on the bad with them so that they could be healed they could get rid of it so that's it's just it's a balanced approach this is when you're already married so there's something bad about them and everybody has bad things so don't exaggerate the worst about them put it in perspective in context think about the other good things and think about the potential also they have these these these these things that are good about them and maybe this way inshallah we'll be able to overcome them together so have that conversation with them how can you know what is a test versus what is our there's no difference between them your is a decreed thing and it could be a test so there's no difference between them I think what you I'm not really sure how you distinguish between and test meaning is something to be satisfied with and done versus a test that you need to struggle with maybe that's what you mean but even if something is decreed uh it doesn't mean if something is wrong with it that you don't try to fix it so your is not like surrender if you can fix something wrong fix it if you can improve something fix it if you can't maybe maybe maybe right eventually you decide I have to live with this and as long as it's not so displeasing to Allah you just simply live with that and you tolerate it and that's your test right so I hope that I've captured the difference between them as you understand it how do we protect our children from the unrealistic expectations of Love marriage and besides discourage them from watching movies do open discussions we do weekly daily tesia with family yeah you do everything that you can I mean stop the poison stop those movies Stop Those series stop this music stop feeding them all these wrong fantasies and actually as you said talk to them openly about it and have this daily weekly T and bring them to the Masjid and if the Masjid where you live is not doing this job or not fulfilling that particular part then at home because you're responsible for your own children so you feed them what you want them to have how you want them to grow how you want them to think so you feed them all of that and then you would have done your job so it's not enough for you to earn money and feed them physically the spiritual feeding the spiritual growth is much more important so yes okay do Tes at home so if you were in a Haram relationship and you tried to make it Hal it won't work I didn't say that if you are in Haram relationship you quit immediately you repent from it and if the other person repents you can get married but is predicated on repentance that's the condition you repent and they repent you stay away from each other until you are secure in your and their repentance and then you can get married and it can work okay does it uh or is it worth it to get married against experienced Muslim parents who know better I heard men don't need parents permission it's not about this it depends on who your parents are how wise they are and why they may be rejecting or accepting a of a person so your parents sometimes are wiser and they know better and sometimes they're human beings right and they don't know better and they have their own bias if you're confused about that you consult someone around you or you go to your local IM and you say this is my condition my situation tell me who's right and who's wrong okay because that's the easiest way inshah to do it um uh how about a parent love for a child uh you mean is it tormenting as well that is intense until example the mother is so heartbroken with her son because Becomes of certain things because of certain things don't her son until she falls sick I mean yeah the love of children is intense and can become so intense that it could make you sick I don't necessarily say that that is a type of dominant love that Allah hates it could be a type of love that you just simply love them a lot that their loss cannot be tolerated and it can make you sick or it can kill you it's not necessarily competing with Allah's love but it can but it can how so you find them doing something that they like that displeases Allah and you let them you know poor them they're still young they're you know he's in his 30s and he's still young right um so when you do this it means that you favor their approval to Allah's approval that is a what an imbalance I'm not saying that that that's disbelief that's kufur but that's an balance and you've gone beyond the acceptable limits of love no Allah should come first for also for their own benefit you want them to be the best that they can right so if you Reign them with Allah's love with what Allah loves they'll be the best if you let them loose run loose do whatever you want you are ruining them and you're not going to be and think about this you're not going to be better to them than Allah Allah is the one who made them you didn't make them Allah made them and he wants them to live this way and you think you're going to be better to them than Allah is no you should be an agent of whatever Allah Asel loves right okay any book series recommendation to learn more about the prophets wives the righteous women of the past I can't think of any at this moment there's one book and I know it probably is translated uh woman around the prophet woman around the prophet but if anyone is aware of any book inshallah let me know but women around the prophet that was that's a book in Arabic and maybe in English um the biographies if there's any biography of the daughters of the Prophet or anything about mean the mother of Isa am all of those inshallah but um if I think of any inshallah I will I will let you know I'll try to uh have a couple of recommendations inshallah I think I've answered all the questions here let me see this one see we're done online I think um I've been trying to get married but nothing is working is um I'm starting to get frustrated and lose hope even though I know I shouldn't what can I do different so and that that's your your your condition your situation here is a is a common one you want to get married but it's not working and you're starting to lose hope what should I do differently so let's say on the religious side and then on the Practical Human Side on the religious side uh increase your Devotion to Allah Asel because you simply want something from Allah right and if you want something from Allah what do you do it's Dua and the better you are as a Muslim the more likely that you Dua will be accepted so find out the times when Dua will be accepted and do a lot of Dua then daily right because you want something really important from Allah so you can't say I'm going to make Dua for a week and then stop so Dua between Dua um at the last third of the night Dua in your Dua at the last hour on Friday between and right these are the times when Dua is accepted so you sit and you make a lot of Dua and you pray and you make a lot of Dua so the more righteous you are the more likely that Allah will grant you all of this so don't lose hope even if it takes time and understand that Allah will give you what is good for you at the right time so don't lose hope keep making that Dua and you're not losing anything when you're making Dua each Dua that you make is a good deed and it brings you closer inshallah to your objective so trust him subhanahu wa'ta'ala on the Practical Human Side maybe the way that you were pursuing it maybe it was not working so try kind of to expand your search have a network of people who will be able to be helpful I don't know what you've tried so far ask this person that person ask for advice ask for insights expand your search and don't be so shy so reluctant and hesitant ask and the more that you ask advice uh for assistance it doesn't demean you when you're pursuing Hal and Allah you know had promised on the tongue of the Prophet someone who is pursuing Halal that Allah will assist them so just simply ask don't sit back and wait ask and inshallah you'll find that the more people know about this the more likely that you will get insights into possible POS Mees right they're okay so so I'll try to answer just a little few more and we're done inshallah should a wife tolerate a husband who sleeps after Sal and does not work um if he's not working and he not spending on the household like is that what you mean like he's not working at all then obviously you don't have to tolerate that cuz one of his main responsibilities if not the main responsibility is to earn a living to be able to sustain and provide for the family if he's not working at all so you don't have to tolerate that if you mean something else inshallah let me know maybe I'll be able to answer it next week inshallah but just simply sleeping after F that's not a sin right um it's not healthy to try to change our spouse right we'll become frustrated if it doesn't work but we can just create the environment that helps them change right I mean you could try to change them I don't see I mean yes it's frustrating but it doesn't always have to be frustrating and you will get to know your spouse and you'll know what works for them and what doesn't how to change them sometimes it's good to be oblique like indirect so indirect advice indirect inspiration indirect lectures indirect these are the things that work it's not always helpful to listen to you telling them do ABC but if it comes from somebody else it' be more helpful so it could be indirect right but no it doesn't mean that just create the environment and sit back no not not if it's something that they really need so it depends on the gravity of the change and how needed it is so sometimes you have to be upfront about it no this can't continue this is Haram and sometimes you just simply inspire you do the right thing and hope that that thing will rub on them so it depends right on what that thing is and your relationship with them and who that person is but no you should you should change if it's possible to change um what is an ingredient that helps alleviate uh alleviate or alleviate a marriage which we would be surprised to know about uh like elevate a marriage which we surprised to know about I don't know if it will surprise you I know nothing that would surprise you but the things maybe that we uh talked about and maybe the thing and I don't think that's a surprise but that maybe is something that relates to that last question is that the best way to change a person is to change yourself the best thing the best way to change a person is not to Simply say everything that is wrong in this marriage is you so you have to change if you want them to change you change and you be better and you be closer to Allah and you make the Dua that you know is needed and that will bring on their change so maybe that is something that may not surprise you but it's uh highly influential so be the change you know like be the change that you want to see kind of thing so you want to you want them to be a certain way you change and be that thing and be better than that thing and they will match it because you have Allah also on your side so let me stop here inshallah if there's anything more please do actually uh send it my way and I'll try to answer it inshallah next week uh we conclude by saying subh