Hello friends Chris Cory here president of Thrive today and I want to welcome you to the relational skills in Real Life podcast friends today's focus is on what we call skill five family bonds group bonds these are our community bonds we actually call the skill form family bonds before we've talked about two-way bonds two-way bonds are where everything begins Joy starts with one other person we bond with one other person learn relational skills and practice Joy with one other person and when we start to build security with that one other person then what happens is we begin to notice there's a third face here there's a third face here in the house and this is a third face that's kind of been in the background up to this point because we were bonded for only one other mind and the Brain could only bond with one other mind developmentally so growing security with one mind leads to Growing security security with a group with that third phase and we talked about this before whereas tracks one two and three of and three tracks one two and three sorry um focus on bonds with one other person so we practice skills with one other person and we grow relational skills with one other person this is fast training this is intense training but yet it's incredibly healing and impactful as people build Joy with one other person whereas in our true identity track our Flex track we're growing Joy within Triads with three way bonds these are all family bonds these are group bonds and what happens here is this actually uh family bonds create the safety uh to be able to correct problems when that arise in the two-way bonds and so we have a third phase that now um in a sense disarms some of the challenges we might have with one other person there's no accident Matthew 18 talks about bringing others into the ruptured relationship when you just can't work something out with one other person because what happens with bonds for two we can't see out of ourselves outside of ourselves very well it's my reality and your reality we need someone outside of us that can say hey here's what I see here's what I hear and so this neutralizes conflicts between two people we get that third phase and this is why counselors therapists and even pastors can be that third face at times when there's a conflict so security with one face creates the security and the freedom to bond with that new Faith so we learn that there's more joy and we can invite other people into the relationship so when things go well with bonds for two then we're ready for bonds for three right and so this means hey let's get other people into this and let's build some more joy however when there's fear and insecurity an uncertainty then what happens is that third face feels threatening that if you come into this Bond um my needs aren't going to be met there's only so much to go around and and now I have to share resources with someone else and we actually feel threatened by um the advancement of that third phase so we see this a lot in grade school when there's clicks we're very threatened by by new faces coming into the relationships because at some level we fear uh that there's just not going to be enough to go around and I'm going to be neglected and so that's uh simply a disorganized attachment an insecure attachment where we we are afraid and threatened by the the approaching third phase because I feel like my needs won't be met and we fear the response to our needs so what happens is with insecurity we fear that something's going to be taken away rather than given to us but in reality community grows our capacity so the advancement of that third face grows our joy grows our capacity so that we can now Bond as a community and so we form relationships and we build Joy with a small group or with this with with community in some way a spiritual family we now belong to a tribe we belong to a people we are part of a people and that's what's happening here at at the family bond level and so I can remember when I first went into Ministry and I I started learning the life model uh my colleagues and I really recognized the need for Community bonds so I was part of a Redemptive community of people who were trying to learn and live the life model and and many of these these precious folks were in their own healing uh Journeys they were they were trying to heal and grow and what they lacked was a community they often couldn't sit through a church service they had a hard time making their relationships work so they were isolated and often felt uh abandoned or rejected and so we recognize the need for a community of people right and so what happened is the people who had Community who had family bonds they actually could do a lot more in their healing Journeys the people who lacked Community could only get so far before they ran out of capacity and healing without capacity just doesn't end well we need a community we need relationships with people we need need that tribe uh that we are a part of that actually grows joy and builds capacity so this is where people start sharing joy as part of a small group uh in a church or a community where we have a people and our our identity is now part of a people so as Jim Wilder would say we go from me to we so you know infant child maturity It's All About Me adult maturity which happens around 13 years of life then now our brains wired for a group and I can see this in my sons who are 12 and 14 I I I can see clearly when their brains started to make the shift from me to we when their peer group was more important than even themselves and their own needs they wanted to belong they wanted that tribe that people their peers and so they started to make that transition to a Wei and the we is more important my my part in a group uh that family bond structure is now more important so they wanted to fit in they wanted to belong which is also why bullying can be so toxic because you know the brain is wired to fit in with a community and a group at 13 12 13 years old we need to fit in your brain wants to belong and so bullying and ostracizing others just creates so much pain and heartache because children are shifting into that adult maturity where my group becomes more important than even my well-being the well-being of my group is is foundational so having that third phase is often the solution as I said earlier when there is a rupture between two faces so two-way bonds need that third face to neutralize some of the Dynamics to see outside of ourselves so that Joy can be restored so Groupons are where we develop that safety and that security to make repairs in some of our two-way bonds so we look to others outside of ourselves who can guide us and Coach us along as we try to repair uh the inevitable ruptures that happen in our two-way bonds so the group provides security and stability to be able to grow Joy at a whole new level this is why spiritual family and Community is so important we need to belong as part of a people and I don't think it's any accident that scripture often in the New Testament we see this relation in Paul's writings especially of you know um Timothy my son or referring to people as my brother my mother my sister so you see these family familial terms uh often in the New Testament it's because yeah like we are now part of a people in the Old Testament you had the 12 tribes and so identity was based on those tribes God often had Israel move in the desert in the wilderness in their group identity so they were so and so son of so and so from the tribe of so and so so our identity is anchored in our group so not having a group um makes it really hard to grow and very hard to grow capacity and so part of a healing Journey means that we need to belong as part of a people and in an Ideal World churches would be providing that group identity and as the body of Christ that that we have a people a spiritual family that we're a part of so friends um the nice thing about the family bonds here is that you can share Joy with more than one other person this means actually look looking for opportunities to bring others into uh the relationships and to bring in those third faces to create that Community around you whether it is a small group um or a spiritual family whatever you have it's being able to share with others and and invite others and I often hear from adults how meaningful it was that they had other homes maybe their home was difficult there wasn't a lot of Joy but they had a friend whose family welcomed them and invited them into that home and that felt like their family right they had another set of parents right they had siblings so to speak in this other family and how lifegiving it can be when our home or our family is is toxic or there's not a lot of joy that we actually we need many mothers and many fathers and we need uh that family bond structure that group identity that we can be part of a people and it's here that you know children who become adults now have a people with whom they belong these are my people and this is where maturity grows this is where relational skills grow and I start learning how to take care of others outside of myself and I learn how to build satisfying relationships as a people so lots of good stuff here you can learn more at thoday do org go to skill five my transforming Fellowship book uh even our Thrive trainings provide lots of of practice on our community bonds our family bonds our group bonds so that you can start practicing relational skills with your people and watching the good stuff grow as you continue to spread Joy relational skills into that Community framework and Network