TF2 Character Analysis: Best Boyfriend

Introduction

• Analysis of which TF2 mercenary would make the best boyfriend.
• Personality, financial stability, and characteristics analyzed.
• Subjectivity in attractiveness is acknowledged.

Scout

• Hopeless in Love: Struggles to ask Miss Pauling out, lacks game. Clingy and needy.
• Foulmouthed: Blunt and often rude in speech.
• Financial Ruin: Poorly educated, idolizes Tom Jones, spends money on memorabilia.
• Positives:
  • Physically fit, conventionally attractive.
  • Comic book enthusiast.
  • Mandate of Heaven: Heaven itself considers him a gift to women.

Soldier

• Paranoid and Violent: Quick to anger, jingoistic, squats in abandoned homes.
• Soft Side: Not very good at insulting, maintains a loving relationship with Heavy’s sister, zhanna.
• Qualified: Priest, exorcist, lawyer, public defender.
• Drawbacks: Paranoia, violent tendencies, racist comments.
• Not an Option: Already in a committed relationship.

Pyro

• Mystery: Gender ambiguous, obsessed with fire.
• Pyro Vision: Sees the world in a colorful, delusional way.
• Dangerous: Most brutal and feared by team members.
• Undeveloped: Little character development; most interactions are negative.

Demoman

• Wealthy: Makes $5 million a year across three jobs.
• Complicated Upbringing: Traumatic past, alcoholic, linked to magic curses.
• Mixed Positives and Negatives:
  • Responsible for his mother, mansion owner.
  • Struggles with self-loathing, dependent on alcohol.

Heavy

• Educated and Cultural: Degree in Russian literature, enjoys fine arts.
• Traumatic History: Prisoner in Russian gulag, supports family financially.
• Gentle Giant: Kind, introspective, abhors senseless violence.
• Strong Bonds with Weapons: Protective of his guns.
• Financial Stability: Money sent to family, modest lifestyle.
• Best Option: Balanced between responsibility and security.

Engineer (Engie)

• Inventive: Creates turrets, dispensers, and teleporters; holds 11 PhDs.
• Charismatic and Personable: Generally well-liked among the team.
• Stable and Safe: Personifies a safe, simple lifestyle.
• Minor Drawback: Stoic, potentially seen as bland.

Medic

• Morally Ambiguous: Questionable medical ethics, lost or never had medical license.
• Sadistic and Sociopathic: Frequently brutal experiments on teammates.
• Least Recommended: Highly dangerous and unpredictable, worst option.

Sniper

• Kidney Enlarged: Regular organ issues, frequent urination.
• Practical: Pisses in jars to avoid leaving position.
• Drawbacks: Frequent urination disrupts normal life.

Spy

• Romantic and Dignified: Enjoys fine food and suits, has romantic past.
• Complex Character: Keeps emotional distance, maintains high ego.

Final Ranking

1. Heavy - Balanced security and responsibility.
2. Engineer - Safe and resourceful.
3. Spy - Mysterious and charming.
4. Scout - Brash but harmless.
5. Demoman - Wealthy but troubled.
6. Sniper - Frequent urination issue.
7. Soldier - Committed relationship.
8. Pyro - Mysterious but dangerous.
9. Medic - Unsafe and sadistic, worst option.