[Music] Team Fortress are you getting nervous I haven't said to yet one of the most famous games not just in valve's library but all of video games games released as far back is TF2 rarely get a fraction of the support it gets today with player numbers reaching their Peak within the last year that's despite valve really not treating it that way guess what joke aged depressingly well I've said it before but if you have a game that plays like Team Fortress 2 you've got a pretty popular game but if you have a game that plays like this with characters like that you've got a cultural Landmark TF2 no doubt owes its longevity to its character in a time where shooter characters weren't really allowed to talk the colorful personalities of the nine mercenaries were a breath of fresh air there was only just released a featurelength horror film starring these guys and then 2 minutes later we're back in the conga line I've been stuck in this thing for seven years help me people are really attached to these characters so let's get even more attached which TF2 mark would make the best boyfriend but Jack isn't talking about dating all these dudes kind of gay well let me ask you this one Buster where's that kind of coming from so how do you determine which of these guys is going to make the best boyfriend or husband or eventual Widow well the system for figuring this out is pretty simple thankfully the most we're going to need to do when tackling gam play is look for voice lines where the most personality comes out thank God supplementary material is where large amounts of the merc's personalities are filled in so across Source Filmmaker shorts comics and other promotional material we'll be able to gather the information we need to declare Hot or Not There are some pieces of information we'll need to disregard however for instance Man versus machine implies that every class is a multi-billionaire due to being free to collect the money that grey man's robots run on that's not going to be how this works every MC is around the income level you'd expect someone like spy is incredibly well off someone like Soldier is incredibly well off now there is an element of subjectivity to all this the rules of Love are not as hard and fast as they are with war crimes though I mean there's probably some crossover uh no Napalm no shooting at the medic pay on the first date what one person finds attractive another might find repulsive some people like big muscles other people like them skinny some people like Garson other people don't you do you just do it behind bulletproof glass if that's okay with the admin out of the way it's time to solve once and for all which one of these guys is going to make the best boyfriend first up is of course Scout and we're starting in a good place since we have an entire sfm animation dedicated to this exact subject and in terms of Love Scout's hopeless the whole thing is about Scout wanting to go on a date with Miss Pauling and when he gets the chance to ask her out he just dies on the spot it takes a three-day Long training montage and the fear of death for him to work up the courage to fail even worse this time Scout has no game whatsoever he's able to pick up this demog gorg of an sfm model off the basis of them both having buckets of fried chicken but if that would work on you you have way more to evaluate than you realize but that's just an expiration date just a small vertical slice of Scout's life unfortunately though Miss Pauling agreeing to go on a date with him at the end might be the highlight of Scout's entire life he's got major unresolved issues surrounding his dad who just vanished Into Thin Air and either has a very poor education or no education at all he can't read looking at a book doesn't count as reading it he's also oddly clingy when it comes to his relationships it's probably because his dad abandoned him but when competitive mode got added to the game Scout got voice lines that made him sound incredibly needy hey I'll say it everybody else here's too scared to say it but I'll just say what everybody's thinking we're all best friends we are all dear dear friends birthday party party at my place this weekend by the way nobody showed up last weekend so I figured no big whoop I just have it again go team everybody six train Killers am I right best of the best and best friends we don't say it a lot or at all but we're all feeling it here in a Hots you know the F the Friendship this of course goes for a majority of the cast but Scout is also incredibly foulmouthed some of them like to include a bit of Flowery language or a nice bit of clever word play but Scout is among the more I am owning you you fat bald fatty fat fat fat blunt personality-wise it's hard to say that Scout has much of a soft side financially as well kind of in ruin he's one of the only classes whose living arrangements can't even be speculated on so it could be anywhere from the red team Barracks to an apartment to a trailer park to back at home what he has in the bank is even worse because it ain't money see Scout idolizes Tom Jones and dumped all the money he has into 12 cubic yards of Tom Jones memorabilia kind of odd to value your collection in Perimeter but far be it for me to judge comparing what's in the safe to its real world equivalent which is stupid there's some expensive stuff in here but not a lot of it however that's in our world and in the TF tun nerse Tom Jones is dead it's bound to start shooting up price sooner or later but as for immediate funds for things like dates and presents and water Scouts all but broke so that all has to sound pretty negative you may start thinking that dating a gun toing psychopath might be a bad choice but there are a few things that you can Levy in Scout's favor the top of the list is that he has the Mandate of Heaven God himself admits that he created Scout as his gift to all women but this is just a dying delusion right because why would God brag about having three foosball tables I don't really know if the heavenly father has space for a fourth foosball table well no because in the same sequence we can see Tom Jones is in heaven and since Scout doesn't know that he's dead that means that this is the actual factual Heaven Tom Jones is then killed again so he is actually the perfectly crafted man and that does reflect in him being incredibly physically fit he has one of the better physiques Among The Mercenaries is more conventionally attractive enjoys comic books that he can't read is the first non- Brazilian to discover how to do not just a double but triple jump really Scout's not the worst he ain't getting a good look at the podium but you could do worse than Scout and it just so happens worse than Scout is who's next Soldier oh oh God this is easy so the soldier real name Jane Doe is as far from a partner as you could ever hope to get Soldier is incredibly paranoid all of the time his home has not one but two fail safes to kill anybody who approaches the front door with either a shotgun blast or neck snap That Home by the way is most likely abandoned with solders squatting inside said insides are littered with nothing but survival tools discarded fast food containers and Army Surplus supplies that's not his only home though he does eventually trade up in the world and start buming around someone else's house that someone else is marasmus an ancient Wizard who's older than time and responsible for making Halloween a tf2 player's Christmas his problems don't just end at being paranoid though he's also incredibly quick to anger has no sense of decency and is jingoistic to the point of violence every single country on earth is lesser than America in the Soldier's eyes and that probably makes him the most racist class the fact that there's competition in that regard also should be a red flag but you're already In Too Deep at the same time though he's weirdly one of the softer characters in terms of his insults he can't really put into words what he hates about each country more so that he just hates them for not being American sure he's pretty venomous to demo man but that's just how friends talk you're like the claps of Greek myth except you are Scottish and I hate you don't let that fool you though he's going to do detailed research on your ethnic background so he can accurately tell you which country to go back to also if Scout has a poor education a soldier is actively forgetting things every day this is the guy whose main Innovative movement method involves impromptu double amputations well at least he found a way to do it safely the commi that invented gravity is going to pay that said I think he might actually be a more capable reader than Scout since he's able to read and determine the particulars of the man brother's will after they're both killed okay but what does the soldier have going for him I know it's hard to resist a man who knows his P's from his Q's but what else does he have well for starters he's kind of a jack of all trades literally all trades in a single comic we find out that he's a priest Exorcist and lawyer on top of stin as a public defender and the only job he's likely to keep after the first day a park ranger he's also a homeowner or is at least just squatting in a much more legal fashion as he stays in marasmus Castle after it's turned into a raccoon Sanctuary one of his positives is that he's a lawyer do you have any idea how many lawyers are in Hell Soldier leads the pack immediately as the worst of the worst there's no one in this entire ranking that is beating Soldier as the worst possible partner of all time is what I would say if it was not for one more thing he's not even an option that's right ladies this Prime Cut of All American beef is off the market in the TF2 Comics Soldier not only starts but maintains a relationship with one of Heavy's sisters aana it's an extremely loving one too Soldier thinks the world of zanana and in turn zanana loves everything about the soldier they fight robots naked well covered in Honey that's something called true love for as terrible as soldier is as a potential partner it can't be argued to begin with as he's taken pyro is next and don't worry I'll avoid getting things mixed up so pyo everything is kind of a mystery we know that he was recruited into the gravel Wars by Saxton hail but what he could have that she could possibly want is unknown all he seems to be concerned with is her fire and he's doing his best to spread the good word that's because pyro isn't really functioning on the same level as the rest of us pyro sees the world in pyro Vision which leaves her seeing the world as a techn coledylan by coding the world in as much fire as possible however it doesn't really matter so much what they think they're doing as what they're actually doing a pyro is by far the most brutal class out of the entire lineup with Meet the Pyro throwing in the Pyro land bits to try and distract you from how horrible what she's actually doing is he has the entire rest of the team terrified and these are hardened soldiers heavy is more than happy to recount a long and arduous torture of an engineer as the funny EST story he knows but pyro now they're [ __ ] man the saddest part is though that she needs fire to be happy in the comics pyro is seen in a life without fire and they're beyond miserable the happiness and color of pyol land is replaced with boring gray blocks and mumbled gibberish it's not until Soldier and Miss Pauling start a five alarm fire on the skyscraper next to her that he Springs back to life and is finally ready to start getting back into the swing of things the swing of things however without the fire pyro also proves to be a phenomenal business creature she ends up leading an engineering company all the way to their highest earning quarter in history and he's knowledgeable to some degree about craftsmanship lots of Pyro's weapons are homemade including a Lion's Share of her flamethrowers and melee weapons yeah he invented a new weapon by yanking her neighbor's mailbox out of the ground but the biggest thing holding back Pyro from potential partner status is the Pyromania the suit the indeterminate species yeah yeah yeah that stuff too but um the big one is uh that this one scene in the office building is the most that the Pyro gets across all the comics put together pyro is incredibly underdeveloped as far as the mercenaries go which makes sense when their most memorable quote is but compared to someone like heavy or demo or sniper or spy you're only left with the really bad stuff and none of the humanizing stuff that the other ones get pyro isn't even on the dating radar unlike soldier who at least has potential homes and Scout who we can throw darts in the direction of a guess of pyro is probably just wandering the American southwest setting things on fire and then walking away Miss Pauling talks to pyro during contracts like she's a child you can send pyro a Valentine's Day card but all he's going to do with it is Muse it is kindling it's going to be so much fun at TGI Fridays but as soon as someone lights the candles on a birthday cake the police will just have your teeth to identify You by next up is demoan and if you're a gold digger tavish mcot is loaded out the ears easily the most successful of the mercs demoan is pulling in $5 million a year across three different jobs and we know demolitions is one of them and you can probably say that legal demolition is the other but what's the third one maybe you don't need to know everything this allows him to Own a Mansion for himself his mother and his possessed head hunting Claymore living arrangements can be complicated he's also on the more put together end of the spectrum of the mercs seeing as he's able to hold down all those jobs on top of taking care of his mother and killing people demo man is on the Pyro side of the innate danger Spectrum though just like Soldier and to a lesser much more coping extent pyro demo has discovered that walking is a small price to pay for jumping if his choice of interview local and meet the Demo Man as anything to go off of there are at least a few rooms in his Mansion dedicated to explosives so open the wrong door and they would certainly be that way if his mother had her way that overbearing mother on top of being a more General buzz kill does start to lead into more of the problems with demoan he has a very complicated upbringing probably among the worst that we know of demoan spent a lot of his childhood in an orphanage before being adopted by his blood parents since they needed to wait to see if his demolitions expertise would manifest after that he was tempted by the Boman amicom into reading its Dark Secrets which resulted in him losing an eye and creating monoculus which attacks demo and the other mercenaries every Halloween demoan is very linked to Magic weirdly with the Boman namicon as well as the eylander which is again a possessed sword that hungers to turn NEX into vacant lots and as well we find out in the comics that the bom namicon and monoculus have permanently cursed the demo man's left eye socket so that if he ever tries to fill the void he'll get another monoculus all of this has manifested itself in into an intense self-loathing in the demo man which comes out when he's drunk enough which paints him as somebody who is incredibly embarrassed by his very existence he does not sound happy to be a black Scottish Cyclops on that topic yeah demo man's a drunk I'd say a drunken wreck but really it's only a problem when he runs out not that he gets violent or anything no that's going to happen scrumpy or not what I mean is that in the TF2 Comics after not getting any booze and having to drink water for a couple of hours Demo's body goes into a full-on shutdown you might be hearing all these negatives and think this is one of the good ones you know who we're talking about right demo man has certainly poisoned himself with booze Beyond repair and attracts magic to himself like golf balls attract clubs but he is on the good end of the spectrum what that says about the Spectrum itself is up for you to decide if you want someone who seems to leap frog the Spectrum Al together though that honor belongs to heavy yes tf2's mascot seems to have had special caregiv to show him as the most least crazy person on the team now in all fairness heavy has the deck stacked in his favor literally he's got a deck and everybody else is just scrapping for loose free realm cards heavy was one of the four characters picked to be in the first poker Knight of the inventory game made by Telltale seemingly out of a hat or by which employee could say a name the fastest heavy in this game has more characterization than pretty much any other Mark some of which is vital lore that you'd find out first in this game before it appeared in any official valve material heavy is a very learned man studying for years to get a degree in Russian literature he can read moreover he enjoys the Fine Arts like the music of huie Lewis and the News and movies like The Dirty Dozen and Rocky four don't try and watch past the first fight he calls that a feel-good ending that doesn't mean there isn't a lot of pain behind those big muscles he spent a lot of his young life in a Russian goog with his sisters and mother after they were sent there for his father's counterrevolutionary actions during the Russian Civil War of 1917 around 1940 to 1941 him and his family s's dad were forced to live in a goog for for 3 months until it burned to the ground all the prisoners escaped and the guards were murdered in Grizzly ways heavy really likes talking about this from there his family went to live in a mountain range in eastern Siberia where they would live in fear for years the majority of Heavy's salary going back to them so they could afford to live and stay hidden so the people that put them in the goog in the first place wouldn't come back the heavy as well seems to abhor senseless violence when the other people at the poker table ask to hear a story of his with it he tells a story about holding a dying bird in his hands after another boy killed it with a knife for no reason despite the stereotype heavy isn't stupid he's more so quiet and introspective he has nightmares of Medics he failed to protect has a fear of ghosts probably stemming from all the people he's killed and often thinks about the families he's left without a father and then he tells that godamn Angie story yep for all that kindness and gentle nature he's still part of a team brought together because of how unstable they are he may not like senseless violence but when he's revving up that minigun baby it all makes sense he takes a lot of enjoyment and fighting stemming from being forced to learn how to box as a young boy this may have developed into an unhealthy bond with his Weaponry now of course it's important to feel comfortable using a gun on the battlefield and to upkeep it properly but he's an overprotective father for a Minun then when he gets a new one he gives it a lady's name a redder flag couldn't exist imagine having to compete with a guy's affection and your competition is a gun now imagine if it wasn't even a contest then there are the more vain aspects like since how heavy sends back the money that he earns to his family he's probably not very wealthy and would live in a very utilitarian sort of Lifestyle just keep exactly as much as he needs to survive and not Ascent more even with that though it's hard to say that heavy still isn't the best option by far just don't mention ngie next up is enie oh no of all of his constituents he's among the most successful sure he doesn't make demoan money but he managed to invent turrets dispensers teleportation as well as improve on his old Family Recipe immortality machines those immort ality machines have led him and his family to work for the man brothers and administrator for years and that's likely to come with a healthy pay bonus NG can do all this thanks to his whopping 11 phds in hard science without a doubt he eclipses the rest of his team in terms of intellect and has 11 more phds than the team's doctor that doesn't mean he's a soft scientist though on top of building and designing all of his own Machinery he spent 10 years as a rough neck on Texan oil fields as well he's a southern gentleman while he may smack talk his enemies like the rest of the team there are only a few from menji that come off as especially mean strangely the most hateful ones are all directed towards heavy I'd hold back if I were him among the team he's also the most personable seeming to be on good terms with just about everyone sure spies are a sticking point but for spy the sticking point is his back when you manage to make friends with pyro and medic you're either very charismatic or a baboon on fire in fact despite being friends with a team of Maniacs it's hard to tell why NG's even lumped in with the rest of them on a team with eight other lunatics NG feels kind of out of place he's not much one for killing kind of why he built the robots to do it though sure the Rogue battle will drop in with his Widowmaker and Gunslinger to make you wonder I thought Scout was a lot faster than this but those are their own breed entirely yes sir en's about as safe a pick as you can get and does that work against him I don't know I feel like if you're setting out to date a mercenary you want a bit of danger a bit of mystery just the slight chance of dying from a random explosion going off and if out of that crop you pick the one guy with stability well then why did you show up in the first place besides enie has the problem of being just a touch Bland oh PE safe sure he's stoic loves barbecue and plays the guitar but a man who has spent more of his adult life behind a level three Century than he has talking to other people is going to want a nice simple safe life so go for enji if you want to play it safe but if you're playing it safe what do you even doing here ah now here's a guy where safe is the last word that comes to mind you know aside from where does he keep all of his exotic animal parts medic is a proud doctor okay already wrong medic's status as an actual doctor has been up for debate for a long time some pieces of info say he is one others say he had his medical license and then lost it and some say he was never One to begin with I think the meet the medic explanation where he used to be a licensed doctor is the best one if fits his whole affront to God Style he takes with his surgeries speaking of which is Medica a Nazi no it's not funny if he's a Nai what he is though is a sadistic sociopathic human butcher with a tendency to ignore any sense of morality medical obligation or human decency to further his research so I get the confusion medic is racing down to be an even worse Choice than pyro at the very least pyro doesn't know she's doing bad even if he's torching an orphanage as we speak medic got all the kids out of the orphanage but only to discover if being an orphan was somehow hereditary if you look at what medic's done to his own teammates it should be abundantly clear why you shouldn't let this guy know where you live he likes the heavy and not only blew up his heart and replaced it with the Loch Ness Monsters but broke one of his ribs and told him to n get over it the classic mercs he teams up with in the comics end up almost getting uteruses put into them luckily he just sewed three into one guy which seems to have placated him for a while it's only a few panels later he admits to considering the classic and TF2 Merks to be more experiments over comrades which extends way further than the physical damage he's done to them oh sure you can chalk up the scooping he's done of Demo's brain the bird he's stuck inside Scout's chest really just think of a problem with the mercs and then flip a coin heads they were born that way Tails medic did it all of this of course made him a first ballot pick for hell it's while he's in hell that he reveals that he medically grafted the other merc's souls to his own to make sure the devil didn't have a controlling share he booted Satan off the board of directors of his soul he then sold one of those souls to Satan for a pen medic is undoubtedly the worst of the worst when it comes to options for partners pyro at least has innocence work working for him there's only one thing medic has going for them and I'll be honest might be enough confidence medic totally believes everything he says they at least have the sense to be delightfully insane you're going to get at least a nervous chuckle in as he explains how he's going to replace your lungs with ad doberman's so you'll literally have that dog in you he'll be great to have as a friend to hear about what he's up to next but as someone with working knowled of your sleep schedule absolutely not how much does sniper piss so this experiment is based entirely around this scene from Meet the sniper in terms of canonical material this is the best Showcase of sniper pissing potential we know from the gerate ad comic that sniper takes special pills that have enlarged his kidneys to three times the size they normally are and that he regularly suffers from organ failure it is so sexy how your itic exploded so sniper made the crucial error in this scene of leaving a clock on the wall in the background that makes this very very easy his day starts at 4:00 a.m. and we get to observe him up until 7:15 a.m. when he takes his first shot unrealistic as a sniper man would have missed hundreds of shots in that time within the first 20 minutes of waiting he already has to pee and pisses around a fourth of a mason jar worth of piss then 20 minutes later at 4 40 he rounds it out to a nice third it takes until 5:30 for the next piss break to get the jar up halfway but then around 5:45 he's not only topped up the first one but gotten to work on a new jar before 6:00 he's already topped that one off to the very rim and has gotten to work on a new one and by the time he finally takes the shot at 7:15 he has stopped to pee eight times and has filled three and a half mason jars with his own piss and not all pisses are created equal the first time he pisses he barely has any fluid in him and makes it about a fourth of the way up the Mason jar piss number eight though manages to fill up an entire mason jar on its own but this doesn't really illustrate the point very well we're going to need to find a way to find the dimensions of a mason jar by bringing this into Photoshop making a line here a line here another line here a few more squiggly lines up here that's Goku that's not going to help us so you have to buy a real mason jar this is the average mason jar used for preserving pickling and the most Unholy Battlefield tactic known to man these mason jars helpfully denote how much volume they have filling three cups up to the fill line with the three filled mason jars as well as the halfway filled one accounting for any less than filled ones among the bunch it's safe to say that sniper pissed 10 cups worth of piss in a little over 3 hours in case you can't visualize that fill her up please that's all off a single pot of coffee too on average making 10 cups of coffee or 60 fluid ounces sniper managed to take 60 ounces and turn it into 80 with 10 cups of piss so he managed to break the law of equivalent exchange with his kidneys impressive so if you divide out the time sniper takes eight piss breaks over the course of 180 minutes which comes out to a piss break every 20 minutes sounds absurd what do you think the recharge time on the geran game is 20 seconds now let's say we take the average of each piss break and say that across the eight piss breaks sniper pees the average of 10 fluid ounces worth of piss on the very very high end of the spectrum the average man pisses 13 flu ounces every 4 hours that means that sniper is pissing the same amount of a man who has to piss like a racehorse every 20 minutes I tell you all this to say that any other trait the man has does not matter when he has to take a long piss every 20 minutes at any given movie he's getting up around five times to drain his dingo what on Earth could make you stick around for that and he's not modest about it he pisses in jars mid combat a fact he is very proud of declaring himself a yellow bu master of Gera he has a jar of piss on him at all times on his backpack the camper van that is his home no doubt stinks of piss that he's gone noseblind to and if you think he's stopping the car that is his house to piss you know he has built an apparatus it doesn't matter if he's one of the more conventionally attractive Ms there's just too much piss and if that wasn't enough he's not even Australian finally is Beni again listen you're just a bit Bland for me you're not even wearing a funny hat this time so why don't you just G up now to hell right France spy is our last eligible bachelor and what a perfect way to end things out like father like son spy is also a character with a lot of romance baked into his DNA he's the mentor for Scout and expiration date trying to help Scout as much as he can despite the forers inability to learn and unlike Scout spy provides evidence that he has experience on the matter yes spy has indeed beted Scouts mom but it's safe to say that it's not a committed relationship need proof go back to the first entry that isn't to say he's a user of women he is but he does look back on his time with Scout's mom fondly he even gave her a little pet name if someone called me their little cauliflower [ __ ] it I'd find a way to have their baby he's also a man of Exquisite tastes loving Fine Food and ,000 Suits this is a man wearing a $10,000 jacket into a job where hazards include bullets he's also fleshed out a lot in the comics he's a very reserved man finding the rest of the team rather annoying Scout especially despite that he does pull his weight and goes along with whatever's required of him he's merciful to miss Pauling when they get captured by the classic mercs and even offers to split a cyanide tablet with her he's also strangely one of the only people that refers to certain mercs by their real names rather than their class so that implies some level of fondness however that fondness does not extend to the battlefield spy is totally ruthless with his put Downs of the other classes he has no filter and is extremely personal when he sees an opening he also has a massive ego issue finding himself so far above the rest of the mercs that the only way he agrees to help out Scout is if he announces as such to everybody else and as mentioned before spy has a tendency to vanish spy is another simple class what you see is what you get he's dignified well put together respectful but also so high off his own fumes that air would probably be like poison to him so that's all the merc's laid bear their dateability explained but it's time to put it into plain English who's the best and who's the worst starting in reverse order and the best Merc boyfriend is heavy the perfect balance of responsibility stability and security heavy would make the perfect partner for anybody looking for a big strong bear just make peace that you're never ever going to beat the gun after him is NG like I said en's playing NG is room temperature water it's fine it's safe you need it but if you have the option of anything else you'd go with it he'll take you to Texas Roadhouse on dates so many times your head will Spin and having a century in the room while you B is going to really kill the mood but he's not going to kill you next is spy the obvious Allure of a man of mystery is strong but he also has the capabilities to be a real love he'll treat you right but as soon as you start revealing any of your flaws he'll be certain to keep a mental list of insulting nicknames after a substantial power Gap like realistically number four should be the sentry gun or sandit a distant next entry is scout scout makes it this high as he's the last Merc without a major psychological hiccup that keeps him from functioning in life let alone in a relationship Scout is cocky and Brash incapable of an honest conversation that doesn't end with him talking about how big his arms are but he's got his own charm about him some people will find his brand of confidence enticing these people are strange but to each their own okay another huge power Gap maybe you shouldn't date these people was that the message I was supposed to learn anyway demo man comes next and I don't know if you can enjoy him for the few hours a day he's Lucid you can probably get some enjoyment out of the relationship ship but this is someone who is in constant negotiation with his own organs to not give up on him he's going through a lot right now next up is sniper piss next up is Soldier taken all right that leaves just two and now's not the time to act like you can't guess second worst is pyro and worst is medic Now intent matters a lot it's the difference between manslaughter and murder both are extremely passionate about their fields of murder but if I had to pick between getting those things on a giraffe's head sewn onto mine to see if they give a giraffe psychic powers and getting set on fire baby I got the gasoline let's Light It [Music] [Music] Up