what's going on YouTube Welcome Back to the channel I'm coach black your internet relationship and breakup coach today's topic this is why your ex might miss you terribly but still be silent now this is one of those difficult situations where no contact might be working on your ex and they might be starting to feel the loss of the relationship they might be starting to feel the pain and they want you back they want to fix the relationship but they're still not making any moves and it's very triggering and confusing because you know a lot of the things you cannot see your ex is not saying anything and all you have is assumptions and so it might feel like you're grasping at straws maybe you're ex post to certain things and you're like okay is this about me do they want me to reach out to them and so you're confused I want to explain to you certain scenarios which does happen where your ex will miss you but they will still not reach out they will still not say a word they are still being stubborn and how you can potentially overcome those things scenario number one is you know human beings have a desire and they want to be consistent if I say something if I say I am the type of person who does this you know we have a strong desire and inclination to want to stick to the promises and to the commitments that we've made and so if at the time of the breakup your ex is telling you they don't love you I'm never coming back I want to live my life without you see your ex in that moment that is how they feel but a lot of times people underestimate how much love and emotion that they have that is still buried beneath the surface because breakups I say this time and time again they're never just black and white it's never 100% love to zero it's usually on some kind of spectrum and your ex likely underestimated the fact that they still had feelings or they still cared about you and it's only until you go no contact where they actually start to feel the emotional pain of losing you that they start to question their decision but remember a part of them wants to stick to this and what's worse in some scenarios your ex may have talked to their friends and family and said you know and wanted to justify their decision because if you're a good and kind person and the relationship was meaningful you probably met some of your ex's friends their sister their parents and those people are going to ask them hey what what happened what went wrong I I thought you guys were great together and sometimes your ex may have exaggerated the issues to justify why they broke up with you remember a lot of times breakups aren't made because of logical choices it's just how your ex is feeling at the time but now they have to justify their decision to friends and family and sometimes they make a mountain out of a mole hill they make it bigger than what it was and so to now come back all right after telling their friend and family and loved ones all of these negative things that you supposedly did it's very difficult all right it takes your ex you know a lot to swallow their pride and come back to you and apologize and still have to go face their loved ones and say hey we're back together okay so it can be a very difficult and challenging things that some people underestimate how hard that is for your ex number two two has a lot to do with the relationship history and the relationship quality okay was the relationship actually strong did this person deeply love and care about you and this is where you have to be honest because there are some relationships that are toxic that did deserve to run their course so you have to evaluate that I cannot evaluate that without talking to you so this is where you have to be honest and sometimes It's tricky because you know the relationship might have felt perfect for you but what was it like for your ex let's say your ex is an avoidant and you're a very anxious person but you're loving you're a caring person so while you doed on them you showed them love and affection when they were triggered by the level of intimacy and closeness let's say they pulled back from you you know how did you handle those things if you're anxious maybe you started chasing you started started overp pursuing and trying to communicate which is fine okay I'm not trying to blame you for for this but from your ex's perspective that can be a very uncomfortable Dynamic if you are constantly seeking reassurance and a lot of times they don't have the emotional bandwidth to support those feelings now you're clashing so while the relationship might have been good in certain aspect if your avoidant ex was in a place of being constantly triggered the relationship quality may not be as high as it was for you for them it might not have been that great so this is where you have to do some you know deep diving and thinking deeply as to what was the quality of the relationship okay now if your ex is looking back and the quality was negative all right you were a great person as an individual and they liked you and your values and your morals and your principles but being with you was toxic or extremely emotionally draining that can be a place where your ex misses you they think about you but they say they weigh the odds like the relationship just was not something worth fighting for okay so that's a that's a very important thing that people neglect number three has more to do with how did you handle the breakup okay what happened after your ex says I don't want to be here did you put up a fight which is natural it's okay to say hey I love you I want to be here I want to work on the relationship but some people take that to the extreme you chase down your ex you call them from fake numbers you reach out to their friends and their family and tell them how badly they've hurt you maybe you showed up at their job or you were extremely inconsiderate I I'll see some people do that you know let's say you break up with your ex and you live together and you just kicked them out without any notice you weren't gracious you didn't come up with a plan like okay how can we do this in a respectful way to where you know you get to leave the relationship unscathed but I still maintain my boundaries okay some people just go into straight trying to hurt their acts and all of these things will be weighed against you in the future especially if you want to fix things I always say no contact is definitely about having boundaries and self-respect but it's not about being an emotionally abusive person it's not about being controlling it's not about exerting dominance okay and some people unfortunately handle breakups this way you are frustrated you Tred to cause pain you just try to get your ex to feel what you're feeling and sometimes even if the your ex looks back on the relationship and it was positive you did truly love each other there was a lot of care and affection there how you handled the breakup can now be that barrier to where your ex is thinking well you know I do love her or I do love him but if I give this another chance what is she going to do if this doesn't work out is she going to call my job is she going to try to get me fired there's some cases I he where the police was called when it was not warranted of course if you're being affected being hurt you have to take action to protect yourself but sometimes it was more a vindictive thing and these things will be weighed against you and so even though your ex is feeling the emotions their logical mind their therapist their friends are that barrier to the relationship no remember what she did remember you know what he did these things can can be very difficult to overcome not not impossible but very very difficult all right the other thing is you know let's say your ex is a kind affectionate caring person cuz a lot of exes are it's not like your ex is evil and they just want to see you in pain and sometimes they are thinking about the fact that they are still unsure yes they underestimated how much they care about you and yes they're starting to feel feelings for you again but they don't want to just play with your heart they don't want to just come back and then change their mind again they're really considering is this for the best I do not want to break her I do not want to give her false hope get back into a relationship and change my mind two weeks later okay so sometimes your ex might be in that place where they're starting to feel the right things they can feel the loss they're starting to miss you but they are really being considerate of your feelings and that's actually a good person that's the type of person that you want to be with um at the end of the day but you still need to respect the boundaries and the principles of a breakup do not negate this do not try to solve and fix these problems for for your ex because when you're you're doing that you're interfering with your ex's breakup journey and breakup process see the big thing you have to understand is that human beings are emotional cre prach first and foremost I'm sure you've talked to people uh maybe they have a completely different political mindset that you do right one person's Republican one person's Democrat but if you allow each person to articulate their reasons sometimes you'll see they'll list them out very logically yet these two beliefs are completely opposed how is it possible that this person has logical reasons while they're right and this person has the same thing is because emotionally they have already decided there's certain values or principles that they attached to emotionally and then we go find some logical reasons to justify it and articulate it in such a way it makes sense and that's what applies to a lot of the choices that we make human beings are emotions first logic and reason second so all this means is that your ex currently has way too many logical reasons why they shouldn't be with you and that is a thing but in the battle between emotions and logic when it comes to human beings either for good or bad I would always put my money on emotional um uh choices winning out okay I'm not saying it's for the best because we know sometimes you act out of high emotions and you make mistakes but again understand your ex is an emotional creature emotions first so the moment you get on the phone and you start listing out reasons why you can make the relationship work and you start fighting for the relationship you're appealing to their logic you're using the wrong tool you're using the wrong language these reasons are Justified and they do exist I've talked to a lot of people who left their ex but they want to come back and they're struggling with it some people misapply the theories of no contact so I've seen I've been in conversations with those people when they're two days away from calling 3 days away from calling and they're still battling with their choices internally the problem is you are interfering all right you know how you know police people say you know anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law it's really how no contact works it's like you never know the thing that you're going to say that is going to push your ex in the wrong direction diretion cuz sometimes it's you're being affectionate thinking that that's going to help but that's emotionally repulsive because now they feel like you're trying to manipulate them you're trying to control them it's always better if your ex's emotions overcome whatever logical reason that they may have and a lot of times they will you just haven't giving them enough time but again what was the quality of the relationship like did this person truly love you and care about you and if they did if you're a good person I promise you just stick with the principles stick with the principles stay no contact stay the course and a lot of times you'll start to see that shift in perspective okay because emotions are very difficult to suppress so they're going to find some channel to come out of maybe that's in the first call that you get from your ex or that first text message understand their moving in the right direction whatever battle they might be fighting internally they're moving and so once those emotions start to come out however they manifest phone calls text messages you know stalking you on Instagram all of a sudden there's a fake profile watching your stories these are your ex's emotions starting to manifest out into the physical world and so stay the course do not fold do not break okay this reasons may sound logic and a lot of times they are but it's not an excuse for you to try to help because most times that that's what ends up causing your ex to be lost forever anyway if you have any thoughts comments go ahead and drop them down in the comment section below if you want to talk to me want to one the quickest way to do so is to book a coaching call it's going to be the first link in description we can talk about your situation if you haven't already please go ahead and like this video it truly does mean a lot and it helps the channel I thank you for doing so subscribe so you don't miss future videos and I'll catch you in the next one peace